Random Thoughts

I think I have mentioned this problem before, but if my hands aren't freezing cold, they may swell and get real red and hot. Lately it's been occurring a little more and now I get tingling in my fingers when it happens, like they are about to go to sleep, but never do. I also keep getting intermittent ringing in the ears. Thank god my better medical kicks in after midnight.

My coworkers were really fucking annoying today. And at one point, my FWA decides to go on a 20+ minute rant about her mother-in-law and how evil she is. I was ready to punch her in the face after about 5 minutes. And I got up at one point to go throw something in the recycling bins and my manager was walking by and she asked me what was the matter (guess I had a LOOK on my face) and I didn't care, I pointed to the center. She took me in her office and said "[insert FWA's name] makes drama out of nothing" and then went on a rant. I was really surprised to hear my manager say that. It's totally the truth. But did she do anything about all of the talking? No.

And my FWA's friend and the girl that didn't work there when I worked there before would not shut the fuck up all day. Well, when the latter wasn't playing on her phone or playing on Pinterest. I watched her play on her phone for over 15 minutes. I wanted to ask her if she was planning on working some time today or was I going to get stuck doing her job another day. Between all of the talking and the awful radio station with it's awful repetitiveness of awful music, I was ready to shank a bitch (or two or three) by lunch time. Oh, and I'd like to take a swing at Mario Lopez as well. My God, is he fucking annoying. Such a fucking celeb kiss ass.

And of course the day wasn't complete without everyone bitching about not being allowed to leave early. I was pissed off as well, because I seriously needed to get out of there STAT on account of my increasingly wanting to shank some people, but they just complained about the company in general and how we're only corporate when they need us to be (whatever the FUCK that is supposed to mean). I get so tired of hearing everyone bitch about how the company is ran. For the love of God, quit if you're that unhappy! And good freaking luck trying to find a company that doesn't run like this one or puts up with your shit!

Oh, and we were allowed to leave a half hour early anyway. And I needed to use a Coke coupon that expired today and when I stopped in the market at a little after 4, it was loaded with old people. It looked like a goddamn retirement home. What in the hell did they do all day?

At the risk of sounding like a angsty teen, I am so annoyed with my parents right now. My mother has just been off the freaking wall for like the past month or so. Earlier we went to the local diner for dinner and twice when I was in the midst of telling a story, my father interrupted me. And then no one even bothered trying to finish my conversation, just went ahead with their own, so needless to say I was pretty pissed when we were leaving.

Also, I have to laugh how a lot of times we go out to eat anymore, my father can't fit into a booth. And then he complains that booths shouldn't be made that small. Did you ever stop and think that, maybe, oh I don't know, humans shouldn't have such MASSIVE BELLIES?

God, I hate New Year's Eve. I don't want the holiday season to end. I'm depressed, miserable, and wishing I could take a long walk off of a short bridge. I should just go get drunk.

Random Thoughts

I don't post often on Facebook, but when I do, I may post something wishing a happy whatever holiday, asking for help in making a decision, or suggestions to do something. And often, I don't receive many, if any, responses and/or likes. But then I see people post stupid shit like "just made myself a [insert type] sandwich" or some shitty vague-booking post (looking at you, FWA) and it will get like 15 likes and about 7 responses. What the hell?

Speaking of my FWA and Facebook, earlier she posted lyrics and when I googled them, it was another Katy Perry song. SO DEEP. Also, I got the mail on Christmas Eve and there was my invitation to her baby shower. I emitted a groan not unlike Homer Simpson. I want to scream. I so do not want to go, but I just know I will feel guilty if I don't.

I had to be blessed with the guilt gene, didn't I?

I'm getting a knot in my stomach about New Year's Eve coming up, because I know when the ball drops at midnight, it's going to be like every other year- with the exception of 2010 when I was apparently going through some kind of hypomanic phase- where I get incredibly depressed and think about how much I wish I had the guts to kill myself. I am not looking forward to it.

I am not looking forward to the holidays ending. I know I am a miserable shit the whole holiday season, but I do genuinely like Christmas time. I love the decorations and the lights and everything. And once every thing disappears, then it's just several months of cold dreariness. And then spring appears, as does severe weather. We lucked out this past spring and summer. It almost makes me afraid what this upcoming spring and summer will be like.

Whatever. Here is a gif and here is another gif of Will. Damn him with that new hair style. You know, this absolutely pains me to say, but I am honestly starting to wish my celebrity crush on Andrew would come to an end already. Like I still think he the most gorgeous man in existence right now and talented as hell and I'd still let him do all kinds of things to me, but it's been over two and a half years. I'm bored! And the funny thing is, a year ago, he came very close to losing reign. I mean, he still would have been there, just not top spot. But then something happened that prevented that from happening.

If it happens, though, all I ask is that my love for MGMT increases.

Song Of The Day

Damn, catchy songs are just coming out of the woodwork and filling my ears this weekend (well, I knew "Hell and Back" for quite a while; just finally remembered to honor it):

Song Of The Day

 CATCHY CATCHY CATCHY



Last night, Youtube was recommending more videos of Andrew's girlfriend to me. Also, it keeps recommending me these videos of people dressing up like MGMT and covering their songs. STAHP, YOUTUBE. I don't want to hear people's shitty covers of their songs!

Random Thoughts

Wow, I didn't realize just how much of a bad mood I was in when I wrote my last post. Damn. It didn't get any better after I finished it, either. I was in such a bad mood Christmas night. When everyone wanted me to open my gifts, I kept trying to put it off. I love gifts, but I loathe having to open gifts in front of people. I feel so embarrassed. And I hate sounding like a complete selfish bitch, but when I opened some of my gifts, I was not happy. I certainly appreciate my gifts, but why is it so hard to comprehend how much I hate clutter? It's like nobody goddamn listens to me.

Oh, that is until I complain about something. Then everyone hears me.

I slept terribly when I went to bed on Christmas night. When my alarm blared at 7 the following morning, I was beside myself with misery. I don't know who thinks it's a good idea to make people work the day after Christmas, but they need to rethink it big time.

I am so damn depressed that Christmas is over. I dread this feeling every year. I don't know why I feel so damn depressed when it's over. And I feel like shit physically, my digestive system mostly. It has been a fucking wreck. It's working, but it is leaving me incredibly uncomfortable and bloated. I have really bad heartburn and I finally broke down and took Prilosec earlier and it relieved it quite a bit....for a few hours. Now it's back and I feel like shit again.

I am also a little angry at myself because I did something I haven't done since I had that enormous piece of heavenly carrot cake- I made myself throw up [a little] on Christmas. UGH.

And speaking of feeling like shit, I cannot wait to have blood work done. My list keeps growing. Last I ran through it, I was planning on asking for the normal CBC/metabolic panel, as well as my B12 and magnesium levels. Sure my doctor will throw in a TSH check as well, even though I have had my thyroid checked a bazillion times. I'd also to like have my vitamin D levels checked. And I am trying so hard to resist asking to have my FSH levels checked.

On a positive note, I got an iPad mini for Christmas! And unfortunately, I finally had to be dragged screaming into updating my version of iTunes (I was still on iTunes 7, because I didn't want to lose the option to not include album work; I have no idea how I am going to update my iPod nano now). I have to say it's pretty cool. And the new iTunes visualizer is freaking mind-blowing.

Random Thoughts

Merry Christmas, everyone! Hope everyone's is going better than mine. Not that mine was bad, but I'm bloated and feeling shitty and I feel like screaming at everyone to go home. Also, I don't understand why it is so difficult for people to not just walk into a 30 year-old woman's bedroom uninvited. I have nothing to hide, but I do appreciate privacy.

You know, I know my aunt cares about my sister and me, but I am so fucking glad it took a great nephew to bring her around more. We wouldn't be seeing her this much if it wasn't for the baby. Kind of pisses me off. I will never forget being in the hospital and talking to her almost every night and hearing "we'll hang out more, I promise" and then never fulfilling that promise. Ever. And that is NOT something someone like me will ever forget.

Can't wait to see all of the gifts she bought the baby. God forbid she make an attempt to not make the baby's actual aunt look like an ass. It's not like I would not have bought him a ton of gifts, it's just unlike her, I know where to draw the line in spending money.

My birthday dinner should be a blast. Whenever that ends up happening.

SOON

Random Thoughts

I was just reading an article on how to handle discrimination if you are pregnant and job seeking. With the way so many pregnant women act nowadays with their "I'm special because I am fulfilling biology and the whole world should stop and cater to me because I bred" attitudes, I don't think if I were a business owner, I'd be too keen on hiring a pregnant woman. 

Oh boy, I can't wait a few months from now when my FWA goes out on maternity leave. My work is nowhere near up to par to pull a good deal of weight while she is out. I feel like blowing my brains out. And I can't wait when I have to bear the brunt of work after she shits out her illegitimate brat, because she'll be the type that will use her brat every single chance to get out of doing shit. I'll be the only person in the place without kids, so why not throw everything at me?

By the way, she is having a girl. And apparently the day she and her boyfriend found out, the alien had her legs cross either at the ankle or the knee or something and what does Daddy say? Oh look she's already got her legs crossed; that makes me happy! Keep it classy, man.

As I said before, I was having a shitty day on Friday. I think part of it was due to PMS. I am not sure if that is why I was having such a difficult day in work or what. It just seemed like every chart I picked up was difficult. And it was frustrating the shit out of me, because all I keep thinking is, why do I feel like I am never going to get this? What did everyone else do that they got it? Oh and I got an email from my manager telling me I need to put on my out of office message on my email when I am out (I had a day and a half of PTO this past week). I forgot, alright? And knowing me, I'll probably forget to put it on when we leave for the holiday tomorrow. And then I'll get some random email from my manager bitching me out for not putting it on.

And she also told me I need to set up my voice mail for when I am out. Why?! Why is it such a BIG FUCKING DEAL? If I dealt with our sister company or clients, then yeah, I can see it being a big deal. But I don't deal with clients! And I never get any calls! And I SWEAR she just randomly decides to call people's lines to see if they have their messages up. Doesn't she have more important things to worry about? Oh, wait. I forget who I am talking about here.

And something occurred to me on Friday that really pissed me off. With the exception of one person, when I worked there before, I had seniority over every single person I currently work with. Now they have all been there longer than me, thanks to being laid off in 2011.

And speaking of laid off, everyone in work is trying to scare me into thinking it's not a matter of if, but when the company will close. And they are all desperate for that to happen. Well, can I at least get enough time in to qualify for unemployment before that happens????

ETA 12/23 5:13PM: FRICK FRICK FRICK I KNEW I'D FORGET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Video Of The Day

One of the best scenes from the newer Futurama episodes:



It's funny because I just thought of this scene earlier and was going to look for it on Youtube. Then I got distracted watching another video and completely forgot about looking for it. Then I just went on and it was under "Recommended Videos".

Also, there was a video recommended to me for a behind the scenes photo-shoot....for Andrew's girlfriend. Really, Youtube? Are you TRYING to make me feel worse about myself?

(I'm kidding, folks. No one can make me feel bad about myself but me. And damn, do I do a fine job of that. But ugh, she's just so....cute and perfect.)

COME ALREADY!

If my period does not come on soon, I am going to hurt someone.

I heard about that Target breach on Wednesday. Didn't think anything of it. Didn't think anything of it the whole day Thursday. Out of nowhere Thursday night, I am SLAMMED with terrible anxiety over whether my checking account was okay. Bad enough to the point that I was ready to hop into my car at almost 11PM just to go check on it. I finally decide to call the 24 hour hotline despite not being happy about having to enter my SSN. I get past that point and the automated voice reads off my user ID number to use the next time I call. And they give you no warning whatsoever, no "you have exactly one minute to grab a pen, as we are about to read you off a long ass number ID that we will not repeat or give you the option to repeat at the end". So now I can call and access my account, but I have no user ID number! FML.

And then today I just had a shitty day in work. Every chart I picked up SUCKED. And I was getting frustrated and I didn't feel good and I am tired of not feeling good and I am tired of worrying about my health and I am tired of worrying that I am going through early menopause and I am tired of worrying in general and I am tired of never feeling good enough and I am tired of over-thinking things and I am tired of being too hard on myself and I am tired of feeling like I am never going to "get" my job and I am tired of people telling me I am being too hard on myself or that there is nothing wrong with me or that I will get my job one day and they are sure I am doing just fine. Yes, I understand they are trying to be positive and give me some encouragement, but it's like.....hm....I know there is a saying, it just won't come to me. But anyway, I was not in a good mood on my way home from work and frankly, all I wanted to do was run my car into a tree.

Also, at dinner, I went to take a pill before I ate and when I was drinking water, this horrible sharp pain shot across my whole stomach, like a knife was plunged into it. I've had that before in the morning, usually after a bad night of heartburn or something, but never in the evening. One of these days I am going to end up in the hospital, be it the nuthouse or something in my body is finally going to give out from my horrible stress levels and my atrocious diet.

ETA 12/21: OH THANK GOD. But now I exchanged extreme mental instability for pain in various places. There is no win, although to be honest, I will take the latter.

LOLing Forever

I saw something on Tartlr again yesterday where apparently a bunch of MGMT fans and a bunch of One Direction fans were tearing each other new assholes over Harry and Andrew comparisons. Something to do with Harry wearing headbands or something. I don't know. I don't think they really look alike, but there is just something about the two of them that seems so similar. And I have felt this way long before the headband came along. Either way, 1D fans need to have seat, MGMT "fans" need to have a seat, EVERYBODY needs to have a fucking seat.

Last Friday, I had to sit at the front desk since someone who always feels absolutely fantastic and never calls out or leaves early decided she didn't feel good and left early and I had the radio on that goes into the waiting room and I thought damn, we have no patients, I wish I had my MGMT CD's with me. And then I thought of "Your Life is a Lie" coming on and someone walking into the office while it was on. And I snickered loudly in my head. Not sure why I found that so funny.

Yeah. Okay.

Just seen this reblogged on a Tartlr page:

mgmt shouldn't play kids live anymore so we can wean out the weak this is natural selection of the concert world

I have a better idea- why don't we also weed out all of the people who are only in the MGMT fanbase because they all have boners for Andrew? It's kind of funny this was reblogged by someone who had just recently reblogged a photo-shopped picture of Ben and Andrew in bed together. I'm sorry, how is that any better than people who show up to concerts just because they like a song?

I get the annoyance with it, I really do. Every so often I read reviews of their latter albums and it's "this doesn't sound like kids" this and that and I feel like saying JFC enough about "Kids" already. But again, it the person's loss if they don't listen to any of their other music. Honestly, I do love "Time to Pretend", but I am not really THAT big of a fan of it (I think it's the hypocrisy in the song, the whole hahah let's make fun of that lifestyle oh oops we're suddenly living it). But you don't hear me whining every time they play it. These brats need to have a seat. Have several, in fact. They make it really hard to stan for MGMT. Then again, I think it would be difficult to find any band fanbase that doesn't contain at least a little of this obnoxiousness.

And speaking of MGMT, we did a mini girl's shopping trip last night and went to Longhorn for dinner. When we were being seated, the hostess saw my shirt and she had been at the Electric Factory show as well. So we talked about them for a few minutes (and briefly discussed Andrew's beauty). She also asked me how old I was and after I told her I was turning 30 in a week, she said she was only asking because she finds they have a really diverse base when it comes to the ages of fans. I beg to differ; I felt like an old fart compared to a good majority of the fans there, but I did see a lot of older people so whatever. It was pretty cool. All I ever want to do is meet fans (minus ones like above) and talk about how great the band is. God, my life is sad.

Also, I keep trying to write a post about them, specifically Andrew, that is just downright embarrassing, but every time I try to write it, I can't bring myself to ever finish it.

One of the 24 hour Christmas stations in my neck of the woods plays "Linus and Lucy" during the holidays. I never could understand why that was. To me, it has always been the Peanuts theme song. So tonight I decided to google what other people thought of it. Apparently a lot of people agree it is a Christmas song. The reason most given was they think of the Christmas episode when they hear it. Really? Every time I hear it, this is what I think of:

The WTF Of The Day

Judge Says Drunk Teen Is Too Rich to Pay the Price for Killing Four People

I.....I don't even know where to begin with this. Actually, yes I do:

According to news reports, a psychologist hired by 16-year-old Ethan Couch said the teenager was a victim of “affluenza,” a condition caused by the sort of absurdly permissive home life that comes with being wealthy.

This is a prime example of what is wrong with mental health care. Affluenza? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Equating a rich spoiled brat with mental illness is nothing short of an insult.

And it is absolutely true that if a poor kid or a minority did this, they'd have the book thrown at them. This little rich shit doesn't deserve to go to jail. He deserves to be struck down and killed by a stray bolt of lightening, as does the judge and his poor rotten excuse for parents. Also, was there a jury? Because if there was, they should all be ashamed of themselves as well.

Random Thoughts

I was getting ready for bed last night so when I got off of the computer I could hop right into bed and "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)" by John Lennon came on the radio. I swear, that song gets me every time. And while I was listening to it, I thought about the Sandy Hook shooting and don't ask me why like a year later this is finally occurring to me, but I thought, JFC these people lost their babies right before Christmas. Ugh, I am super hormonal right now.

When I was driving to work Friday morning, "Alien Days" came on my shuffle mix. And I thought about that ignorant bitch that blocked my view during the show and I started to feel really angry and was gripping my steering wheel and all I kept thinking about was how much I missed and how I wish I had had the balls to say something. It's such a pain not having a backbone.

And speaking of the concert, my mother (yes she was my guest to the show again) was talking about it a lot the following day. And she was telling my brother-in-law, who plays the drums, about it and then she said something about if he had been there and something went wrong with the drummer, then they could have pulled him up to play the drums. I laughed silently, then said "nah, they would have just had someone else in the band play them, since they all play several instruments". I wasn't trying to be obnoxious or anything, but it's the truth. Andrew can play them and I think James actually used to be their drummer before Will joined. Or Will was their drummer originally, then left, then rejoined, I don't know I can't remember the story. Wikipedia has him listed as 2005, then 2008 to present. But it's Wikipedia, so take what you want from that. Then again, he was in the video for "Destrokk", so maybe it's right.

I don't think I have ever mentioned it before, by Andrew's fingers freak me the fuck out. They're so so long and bony and....finger-gy. I bet his pinkies are the length of my middle fingers. Don't get me wrong, I'd let those fingers do all kinds of things to me. They'd certainly hold my boobs well, although with the length of those digits, one hand could probably hold them both. But still.

*sniffs* He's so pretty in that picture. And Will needs to keep his hair the way it is because....damn.

I don't understand why every I make any mention of having hypochondria, people are like oh well I do that! (meaning they diagnose themselves with stuff, etc). Do tell- does that self-diagnosis instill such a fear in you that it interferes with your whole life? You can't concentrate for anything because you are so preoccupied with fearing you have this illness? Spending the whole day doing things to convince yourself you don't have it? Yeah. Read anywhere from October 2011 on in here. Or better yet, click on the "Addison's Disease" tag. Sorry, not one part of any of that is a normal fear of disease or having an illness.

I got on the scale today and was really surprised to see it settle at 119 pounds. I have not been doing anything to lose weight. And you would think I'd be happy, since I have the horrible mindset that I can always be thinner, but already I am starting to worry about it. It may just be because I am more active since becoming employed again. An office job isn't extremely active, but I do try and do as much walking as possible. And some days I do a lot of walking back and forth. But already I am tempted to google "unintentional weight loss", which will lead to nothing good.

I was in JC Penney's last week and I needed to buy dress pants, so while I was in the dressing room, I stopped for a second to analyze my body. I thought about how people strive for a thigh gap and although I don't care if I have one or not, I did notice that I do have a bit of one. I think if I had less loose skin on my legs, there would be a more prominent one. I don't understand why a thigh gap is something to strive for, but whatever. I also looked at higher up on my thighs and was disgusted. Again, if I didn't have loose skin, my thighs would look a hell of a lot thinner.

Ugh, reading through the above paragraph sounds like some 15 year old girl on Tumblr, not someone who is about to turn 30 in a little over a week.

The WTF Of The Day

I guess the guinea worm story wasn't nightmare inducing enough for me this week:

VIDEO: 40-Year-Old Fetus Found Inside Elderly Woman

Random Thoughts

Today was one of those days where if I could have beat the shit out of someone and got away with it, I would have. First of all, it's cold as fuck in my neck of the woods. Currently, it is 19 degrees Farenheit out. Which is no fun when you are constantly cold. This morning, my car doors and locks were frozen. I couldn't get them open for anything. When I finally could get in to start my car, I put the heater and defroster on full blast. Very little was coming off so I had to scrape what was on my windows off. By the time I left for work, I was running late. When I get near work, traffic was backed up beyond belief. An accident had occurred at the street after where I turn. I ended up five minutes late to work. I was having a heart attack. I am never late to work! Ever!

Then I decided what the hell I am going to try to do a bigger chart than usual today. It didn't look bad, either. One record into it and I was thinking oh boy I made a big mistake. And every record got worse, so needless to say that didn't help my aggravation. And then my coworkers WOULD NOT SHUT UP. They just kept talking and talking and I couldn't concentrate and I was getting really pissed off and I wanted to scream at them to shut the fuck up.

I don't think I have mentioned anything about her yet, but one of my coworkers....don't know where she gets her work ethics from, but they suck. She started before I was rehired. She sits next to me and nearly every time I look over at her, she's playing on her phone. Or playing on the internet. Today I saw her on Facebook for over 15 minutes. Then she gets off and was playing on her phone. She's either talking, playing on the internet, playing on her phone, or taking 300 smoke breaks. Pretty sure she never comes in on time, either.

I had a pile of charts for her yesterday sitting on my desk. I mentioned they were ready to go to her yesterday. She tells me she needs to clean off her desk and then she'll get them. They were still sitting on my desk today. They were still sitting on my desk when I left. They need to go to the doctor tomorrow. If I go in tomorrow and they are still on my desk, I am going to scream.

I mentioned something about being upset about being late to work to my FWA and she started complaining about how she gets in trouble for being late. Well, I can't imagine why that would be when you are late to work constantly! And then the best part- one day last week she tells me she didn't start coming to work late until she got pregnant. She's too tired to get out of bed! I wanted to laugh my ass off. Sometimes I wonder if she is delusion or a pathological liar. Bitch, please. She was always late long before she got knocked up! Just read some of my 2011 entries!

Anyway, enough about my coworkers. I called the radiology place I had my ultrasound done at and requested a report (and scheduled my follow-up US for Monday) and I got the report today. Quite interesting to read! It lists the measurements of all of my female organs. My ooterus is 9.3 x 3.5 x 5.3 cm. My right ovary is 4..0 x 3.2 x 3.7 cm and had simple follicular cyst measuring 2.4 x 1.9 x 2.1 cm. My left ovary is 3.3 x 1.7 x 1.7 cm. Don't know why I felt the need to share that; I just found it interesting. I'm curious to see what shows on my next US.

Mind! Stahp!

I don't know how much more of this obsessing over my menstrual cycle I can take. Every goddamn month, after it ends, I worry I am going to spot or get it early. Once I pass the spotting mark, then it's only worrying I am going to get it early. If I don't get it early and it comes on time, then I am fine. If I pass the expected mark, then I start to worry it's not going to come at all. All because I am worried I am going through premature menopause. And every little thing puts me on edge. If I have vaginal itching, it's a sign. If I get hot, it's hot flashes. I'm on day 18 in my cycle and I'm sick with worry that it's going to come early. I'm fucking tired of it. It's exhausting!

There have been many times in the past where I have had suicidal ideation, but no active plans, or any plans at all, and I have considered calling a suicidal hotline. Unfortunately, I am too scared to call that someone will trace my phone number, find my location, and take me to the hospital.

I recently started talking with someone through private messaging on another site and I haven't chatted with someone so much like me (poor girl) since that guy Sam I used to talk with (God, I miss talking with him so much). I haven't heard from her since Friday and while I know she has been busy, naturally the paranoia in me is making me worry I said something to scare her off.

I'm just beside myself right now. I feel so low and hideous and worthless, I wish I could physically escape my mind. Or just start screaming and never stop.

Screw This

What was supposed to be an inch to two inches of snow eventually changing over to rain yesterday turned into more than half a foot of snow and ice. Our annual girl's shopping day ended up being canceled. Now there is call for almost a half a foot tomorrow. I want to scream.

And while over on the Weather Channel's website, I read an article about diseases threatening humanity. And went to a link discussing the guinea worm. Just.....this:

Of all the many remarkable things about the guinea worm, here is something particularly remarkable: this journey causes its victim no pain. It’s not a fleeting infection, either. It takes the guinea worms three to four months to become sexually mature. The males only get to be 4 centimeters long; the females reach 25 times that length. Most of that extra space in their bodies is taken up by their uterus. If people have both males and females in their body, they can find each other and mate. After this internal congress, the male guinea worm creeps off to some corner of the body and dies. The female, meanwhile, swells with progeny. Three million embryos begin to grow inside her.

It takes months for the multitudes she contains to grow to the point when they’re ready to leave their mother–and their human world. She begins her journey to ground, slithering through the connective tissue until she reaches her host’s leg and creeping down further towards the foot. Only now, over a year after taking in the guinea worms, does a person become aware of what’s been happening. The guinea worm mother pierces the skin from the inside and releases an irritant that creates a painful blister–”burning without cease” as one tropical disease expert once put it.

There is only one balm for this pain: water. When people splash water on the blister, the guinea worm responds by twisting into a contraction and vomiting embryos from her mouth. The pain subsides for a while, but the blister swells again until another splash of water delivers another batch of guinea worm babies. The pain lasts, off and on, for months–until the parasite’s entire uterus has emptied its millions of embryos. Some of them may be lucky enough to end up in a pond full of hungry water fleas, where they can continue the cycle. (from Nat Geo)

 












Also, I am half tempted to research why I have been craving bananas so much lately, but I am afraid I may bring on my next hypochondriac meltdown.

ETA 12/14: I just Googled pictures of guinea worms and OH GOD WHY

Yeah. Okay.

And, The Nominees Are....

Random Thoughts

Yesterday we had our holiday luncheon in work. I honestly hate those things so much. When I have worked for bigger companies, we weren't obligated to attend it all at once. Here, we are. And thanks to my obsession with my weight, I am always too afraid to eat anything. And everyone jumps down my throat about not eating. It already annoys me that I am so afraid to eat anything for fear of gaining weight, and people pestering me really pisses me off. It's like I already know my eating habits are seriously disordered. Get off my back, folks.

Look, I wouldn't mind the get togethers, if I didn't know that I work with such a bunch of back stabbing bitches. Besides, except for the desserts, there was nothing there for me to eat.

On  Thursday, we received an email asking to help a girl at our sister company with her reports. So I did two. Yesterday, my boss's boss was in and she was sitting behind me and I happened to look over at her computer and she had an email up from my boss, thanking my FWA and one of our at home workers for helping out with the reports. I wanted to explode. I only did two small ones, but fuck, that is two less the worker had to do herself. I am still livid.

Another thing annoying me with the party was my FWA. She is always belching and it always sounds so forced and "OMG look at me I can belch I am so cool". She'll do it at the front desk with a waiting room full of people. And then she'll always go "ooo excuse me!" like tee hee oh I totally did not do that on purpose! Now I belch a lot. And I can let some pretty good ones rip, too. But do you know where I do it? Not in public*. And she was actually doing it yesterday at the party. Even with my boss's boss there. I wanted to punch her. Like stop being so fucking uncouth.

*okay, a few times 

I went to the mall on Thursday and I saw this bumper sticker that said "My baby is a SIDS angel". Does that disturb anyone else or just me?

I am bummed and sad that the concert is over. Especially because I was not looking forward to it beforehand. God knows how long it will be before I can see them again. I want to win the lottery so I can quit working full time and become a full-blown stan. If it were up to me, I'd catch the train to NYC next Friday and go see them at the Barclays Center, although somehow I suspect those fans would probably be worse than Philly. I'm still shaking my damn head at the rudeness of people. Especially that dumb bitch who was in my way during "Alien Days". A normal person would have said something to her. I wish I would have had the guts to, although I would have rather have said nothing and just yanked her by her hair or shoved her off the stool, because I am pretty sure the stupid cow knew she was in my way and just didn't give a fuck.

And some of the girls at the show were ridiculous. Most of them just looked like oh tee hee look at me dressed like a hippie* omg I just love "Kids", "Electric Feel", and "Time to Pretend" I don't even know what else they sing but I'll pretend that I like it tee hee tee hee Andrew is just so cute and one day I will marry him but in the meantime I will just create Tumblr and Twitter accounts with his last name as mine and then I will harass him on Twitter with "I love you" comments. Seriously- go read the comments on their Twitter page sometime. Their "fans" are so fucking annoying. These bitches are more parched than the Atacama Desert.

*I don't know what most of them define as a hippie, but it wasn't what they were wearing

They started off with "Flash Delirium" and once again, Andrew sang the last part kind of mellow. Not as mellow as Musikfest, but he didn't screech like he did in the studio version. And I wanted to giggle so bad during my second favorite part of "Siberian Breaks" (5:55 through 8:20), because this appeared on the screen behind the band:

Also, they posted the set list a couple days later on Facebook. "The Handshake" was on there. ONCE AGAIN they did not play it when they were supposed to. I wanted to roundhouse kick my monitor. Will I ever get to hear that song live? Ugh, I am so ready to see them again!

And another thing- WHY AM I NOT A FAN CLUB MEMBER?? I should totally join!

Video Of The Day

Why you so stupid, stupid?! One of the best Futurama scenes ever:

Yay....?

It's the big day, folks! After roughly 1.25 years, I am finally seeing MGMT live again!

Ugh, why am I so fucking anxious? Like I haven't been having enough palpitations! And I am starting to physically shake inside from nervousness. And dear God, please let a good chunk of the audience be under 21 so the damn bar area will not be so crowded!

ETA 1:17AM: Well, it was definitely not nearly as crowded or as bad as I thought it would be in the Electric Factory. The show was good, although I don't think they sounded as good as at Musikfest. Andrew sounded kind of funny when he was singing. I don't know what it was. And I finally see what people mean in the recent complaints about the band hardly interacting with the crowd. I don't really care, but for someone who didn't seem like he was ever going to shut up at Musikfest, Andrew was pretty silent tonight. I think he spoke to the crowd maybe three times at the most.

The only thing I was disappointed in was once again I did not get to hear "The Handshake". I want to hear that song live, dammit! Oh and they didn't play "I Found A Whistle", either. That made me sad. I really like that song live. But they did play "Kids", so I can scratch that off of my list! And the instrumental part that starts at about 3:00....I swore at one point it was never going to end. And from what I could see, the kid who got to play the giant cowbell looked like he was really cute! Word of advice for anyone who wants to play it- there is a pad or something on the bottom of it that lights up every time you are supposed to hit it.

The only other complaints I had were there was so much weed smoking going on; I had such a headache by the end of the night. I can't get the smell of weed out of my nose! And I know people claim you really cannot get a contact high, but I remained mysteriously calm most of the night.

Oh, and their fans are really fucking obnoxious. Oh. My. God. Rude as hell. I had three guys sitting next to me during the show and pretty much all three them insisted on leaning on the railing, blocking some of my view (oh man, for being pretty far away, I had a really good view of Andrew; what I could see, he was looking FOINE, even though he was wearing a shirt that is like 3 years old; my ovaries were weeping). And then they finally leave. And not even five seconds after they leave, when the band is getting ready to play "Alien Days", this group of girls sits on the stools next to us and the one decides she is going to lean on the railing and have her arm up in the air, completely blocking my view. I was already pretty pissed from the idiot men before, so needless to say I was beyond livid when she did that. I was ready to grab her ratty ass pony tail and yank her back and yell "get the fuck out of my way you stupid cow!".

Oh, and it's fucking December and I cannot tell you how many girls were there in short-shorts, tank tops, and/or their bellies exposed. Many of who shouldn't have been doing either. Who are they trying to impress? Andrew? Uh, he has a girlfriend? And she is a hell of a lot cuter than any of the girls that were there.

And the biggest disappointment of all? I still did not get to meet the band. One of these days....

Random Thoughts

Well, that four day weekend flew by. I wish I could have enjoyed it more. Instead, I had to have the anxiety from hell from not feeling well. It all started on Thanksgiving when my sister told me to distract the baby while they took a picture, so I started to dance around like an idiot to make him laugh and not even five seconds after I started, my heart started racing and my chest felt funny.

And since then, it has not stopped racing. My legs are burning, especially when I bend over, and I feel weak overall. Even just typing this is killing my arms. I have been nauseous all day. My head hurts and I have occasional dizziness. Noises make me jump. I feel like my brain is being zapped every so often. I feel shaky. My hands feel like they want to go to sleep. And because the littlest sign of abnormality sets off the alarms, I have been anxious as hell and the Addison's disease has been semi-resurrected and being so anxious is making my heart race even more. I feel horrible.

If it wouldn't cost so much money, I would go to the ER right now and demand testing. I do actually have medical now (it kicked in yesterday), but it would still cost me a pretty penny to go. I want to go get blood work done, but I really would rather hold off until my better healthcare plan kicks in come January, and hell I have waited this long, but I hate to put it off any longer.

And what does my family say when I complain? "It's just anxiety!". If I get blood work done and something does show, I am going to be a raging bitch. I'm starting to get real tired of everyone brushing off my concerns. Why is it impossible that there could be something wrong? I won't argue that anxiety does play a role in my feeling shitty, but I also do not think it's the sole player.

And now because I feel so shitty, I am looking even less forward to tomorrow. I am so disgusted. All I have wanted is to see MGMT live again. Now I have the chance and I am not even excited.

Song Of The Day

"Staring at the ceiling in the dark, same old empty feeling in your heart"


 
ETA 1/15/14: GOD I HATE THIS SONG SO FUCKING MUCH NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SMDH

Viral Video of Walmart Fight Will Make You Want to Stay in This Black Friday

But saying "Happy Holidays" is what is ruining the meaning of Christmas, right?

Random Thoughts

The other day in work, one of my coworkers was talking about smoking. And it turned into a discussion about how no one can smoke anywhere anymore and blah blah blah and my FWA's friend starts talking about why is it such a big deal it's not like anyone is shooting up or something. Um, because some of us chose to not pollute our lungs with nicotine and God knows what else?

I had a wonderful surprise when I stepped on the scale this morning- I was 121 pounds! I was so happy, especially since my digestive system issues seemed to have calmed down. I am sure Thanksgiving dinner just completely ruined that.

I have not felt good all day. My muscles are burning and I keep getting palpitations with not much exertion. And of course, some little bastard that just for the love of all that is holy cannot go away, the fear of having Addison's disease, crept back in today. Which gave me really bad anxiety, which in turn is making me feel even worse. I have taken my blood pressure a couple times already. I can't stand that this will not go away. I don't know what it will take for it to leave my life completely. Every time it comes back into my life, I just want to rip my brain out of my head and put a bullet through it. And all I keep thinking is, see, you stopped worrying about it, now you may have jinxed yourself. I'm so over this.

As if I wasn't feeling depressed enough, now I feel even more depressed due to not feeling good and worrying why I don't feel good. Everything is making me sad. I saw an article on acid reflux earlier and it showed this cartoon drawing of a stomach surrounded by flames and it had tears in its eyes and I thought omg am I doing that do my stomach and then I felt really horrible and depressed. I am frustrated because I feel like I am never going to "get" my job. I don't want to go to the concert on Tuesday, which frustrates me because all I have wanted for the past year is to see them live again. And I still do....just under different circumstances.

I am hoping that maybe, just maybe, I will end up enjoying it like last time I saw them. I am not expecting another Musikfest, because frankly, I don't think anything will ever hold a candle to that show, but if I end up enjoying it more, then great! I certainly won't complain!

All I want to do is tell someone how terrible I feel. How I feel like my head is stuck in a horrible black hole and all I ever think about is how much I want to be dead and how I feel guilty about everything, even over things that make no sense (see above with the acid reflux story) or are out of my control. How inadequate and undeserving of happiness I feel. How I feel dead inside and incapable of loving anyone properly. Like I have no heart whatsoever. How I am tired of snapping out on people (which oddly enough is always the people I am closest to or care the most about that bear the brunt of my wrath). And how I am sick of worrying that I have a disease or something to the point it starts to take over my whole life and how I am sick of being anxious about EVERYTHING, but if I don't worry then I am jinxing myself.

I love the internet and all of the information it can give me. At the same time I feel like life was better when much of this information wasn't at my fingertips. Sometimes I feel like just pulling the plug on it. I think I'd be much happier when it comes to certain things.

I think I need to just go to bed.

W.T.F.

Boy, as if I haven't felt shitty enough today. I left work earlier and was at the traffic intersection outside of my work complex and waiting for the light to turn green. I started fiddling around on my iPod because it's a long light. Then I happen to look up and noticed the light had turned green. So I start to take my foot off of the brake to go when all of a sudden this car comes flying through the red light on the main road. Had I been paying attention and gone maybe five seconds sooner, I would have gotten nailed on the driver's side. I was so upset and shook up the whole way home and pretty much the entire night. And all I could think is, see, this is what you get for not leaving at your normal time (I left maybe a little over five minutes later than I normally do).

Not that this matters, but just for the record, I would have gotten nailed with "Time To Pretend" blasting. I don't think I would ever have listened to that song again if I had gotten hit. Then again, if I had gotten into an accident today, I probably would never leave the house again.

I feel crappy today. I know I did Sunday as well, but today is different. The weather is miserable. I'm exhausted, probably due to not sleeping well last night (my brain was running a never-ending loop of "why am I never good enough?"). It is still here. But I am happy about having a four day weekend! Yay! And Thanksgiving! I can't wait to stuff my face with food (although I'd rather have something other than turkey). Especially pie. I fucking love pie. PIE!!!!!!!

Random Thoughts

Man, I am so glad it's a three day week! I spent all day doing fall cleaning in my bedroom. I am exhausted. And the whole time I was cleaning, I felt like throwing most of my stuff into a pile and lighting it on fire. I feel like I have so much junk and I can't stand it. I have the exact opposite problem of hoarding. The littlest sign of clutter and I want to freak.

Last night, after all of the time I have been waiting to go, I finally got to go to the Cheesecake Factory. And I did not enjoy it. I decided to try the spicy crispy chicken sandwich and because I am picky as hell, I wanted it with no cheese or mayonnaise. When it came out, it looked really delicious. Except not only was it not spicy by any means, it was also bland as hell. I was really disappointed. My fries were salty as fuck. When I don't have to salt fries when I am on my period, you know they are way too salty. My cheesecake was delicious, except for being almost still frozen inside. And the table behind us, there was little girl about 2 years old, maybe 3, who kept standing up and hanging over the booth and staring at us. I don't know what other Cheesecake Factories are like, but ours has booths with very tall backs, probably almost 5 feet tall. I don't understand why parents allow their kids to do that and not holler at them. It was so fucking annoying. Not to mention she had one of those big obnoxious round plastic binks in her mouth.

I don't know if it's just a coincidence, but I think I need to stop going to places I have been craving when I have my period, because it never seems to turn out well anymore.

Last Thursday night, or maybe it was Wednesday night, I was going through the Comcast On Demand list to see if any new music videos of interest, e.g. anything by MGMT, had been added. "Cool Song No. 2" has been on there a while. I am not a big fan of that video so I didn't bother watching it. Sorry, it just freaks me out too much, although that part when the people are standing around the table and making what I presume to be drugs and singing along with the song makes me laugh. But I did discover they finally added the video for "Alien Days". So on Friday morning before I had to leave for work, I sat down and forced myself to watch it. I hate to admit it, and I still would rather have had a much weirder video, but the video is growing on me. It's so fucking cute and sweet, it makes my teeth and pancreas hurt. ARGH.

You know, I have been wanting nothing more than to see them live again since Musikfest and I am not even excited about going to the concert in a little over a week. I don't know what my problem is. It's not that I don't want to see them. I am just getting more nervous about what the crowd is going to be like. And I am anxious about something bad happening. And then I am anxious about things I don't even know about. And goddammit, I want to be up on the stage banging that big ass cowbell! Although let's be real- if I got pulled up on stage to do that, I would completely blank out and just stare at Andrew. What I'd be half-tempted to do is take the stick and nail Ben in the balls with it. Each and every single time it is supposed to hit the cowbell. Drum banging *BAM* here is the deal *BAM* open your eyes *BAM* your life is a lie *BAM* etc. I would practice 24 hours a day just to have the opportunity to do that. Harsh, I know, and I know to take every story on the internet with a grain of salt, but that story just really disgusted me.

I feel like shit today. I'm tired, cranky, and depressed. And it's freaking cold as anything out. I ran to the market with my mother earlier and after we got everything in the car, I literally ran the cart back up. And by the time I got back to the car, my chest felt heavy and my heart was pounding. And it still hasn't let up. I work out five days a week. I should not get out of breath like that. And yet everyone just brushes me off when I say I think something is off in my body (my bet is still on magnesium deficiency). Then again, I am starting to think I could develop a lump the size of a baseball in my head and everyone would still brush me off and tell me I am fine.

WUT

I received the results of my ultrasound today:

Normal, but right ovarian cyst vs. dominant follicle present (both can be normal in cycle, but will follow)

I don't quite understand what that means. My sister asked me was I ovulating at the time of the test. When I calculated it, I was on day 18 of my cycle when I had the test done. I thought if anything would show on this test, it would be the left, not the right, since most of the time the pain is on the left side. Although I had a lot of pain this time around in my back towards the right side. I really want to see the actual radiologist's report, not what I received (just a note from PP with the results written). Oh and now I have to have a repeat ultrasound done. ARGH.

And not that anyone cares, but my period did finally come yesterday. I'll spare the details, but I have been having the day from HELL with it today.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Kanye West: "Am I the Only One That's Not Crazy?"

Below that article is an article on Vanessa Hudgens. Who the fuck cares about her anymore? She actually has fans still? What does she even DO? Every time I see a picture of her in her stupid hippie outfits and duckface, I want to punch her in the face.

Le Sigh

I was expecting my period on Monday. It still is not here. I am already freaking out that I could possibly be going through premature menopause. I keep poking and squeezing my boobs to see if they are sore. I think that because I have been complaining about my manager going through menopause that now I am being punished for bitching about it.

Really, going through early menopause shouldn't matter much to me, since I am not having kids, so who cares, right? And never having a period again? Well, I don't exactly want to experience menopause yet. I'm not ready for hot flashes and extreme mood swings. I already have the latter; I don't want them to get worse. Also, there is this:

POI/POF can coexist with other endocrine and nonendocrine diseases (eg, hypothyroidism, Addison disease, type 1 diabetes, pernicious anemia, lupus)  (from Medscape)

Not sure if it's implying POI/POF can cause Addison's or Addison's can cause POI/POF. Or both. But still. Then there is also this:

Women with Premature Menopause at Increased Risk for Potentially Fatal Adrenal Condition Early Diagnosis Can Lead to Effective Treatment

Come on man. I'm just finally accepting I do not have it. It's nice to not be a slave to the blood pressure cuff or mirror anymore. I don't need something to reel it back in.

I was sitting thinking one night how 2005 into 2006 was the last time I truly feared having a disease (MS). Then in 2011, it was a foot stress fracture and then Addison's disease. I am a little afraid to find out when and what the next case of the hypochondrias will be that will come in and take a hold of my entire life and rip a hole through my soul, although hopefully I might stop being so pig-headed and get the help I so badly need before that could happen again.

Lately I have been increasingly getting fearful of asking people to do things for me for fear that something will happen to them. I won't ask someone to stop in a store for me if they are near it, or even just pick up something for me while they are in a store because I am so fearful that I may cause something to happen to them by taking the time to do those things. But then I get afraid that I could also cause something to happen by not delaying them. It's difficult to explain. For example, say someone was at the market and called and asked me if I needed something. I say yes and tell them what to pick me up. And I start to wonder what if I ask them to do this for me and something happens to them because they took the time to do something? And then I get afraid to ask. BUT then I start to wonder well, what if I ask them to do something and prevent them from leaving just when an accident is about to occur, thus preventing them from getting into an accident? And then I am torn on what to do. Meh, this still doesn't explain it well. Anyway you look at it, it makes me want to put a bullet in my brain a lot of the time.

I am not even looking forward to the concert in less than two weeks because I am 1) getting very anxious over the non-seating arrangement and what the crowd is going to be like (dear God, please be mostly under 21 so I can hang in the bar area) and 2) I am getting anxious about something bad happening. Life really fucking sucks with mental illness. It takes the fun out of everything. And getting good, proper help is nowhere near as easy as people think it is.

Random Thoughts

Ugh, I loathe Sunday nights.

Last Thursday, I came very close to blowing up on my manager. Very close. I was working on a chart that day and I came across a sentence in one report that made no sense whatsoever. So I went and asked my FWA if she could make sense of it. She couldn't, so she told me to ask our most senior coworker, because she knows the job hands down. So I asked her and she told me what to put. She also told me to leave out something. Later on I took the file to my manager to go over. From the second I went into her office, she rubbed me the wrong way- being snippy, asking me where I got something when IT WAS RIGHT THERE IN THE DAMN REPORT.

And then because it wasn't sitting right with me, I brought up about that sentence and what my coworker told me to put. Well, she flew off the handle, to put it mildly. And something that could have been ranted about in under five minutes was ranted for over 15 minutes. And was still continuously brought up. And I was getting really agitated (and trying not to start crying; ugh I hate that) and getting kind of snippy myself. And the thing that pissed me off the most was I got incredibly snippy at one point and she actually had the nerve to mimic me back. And then she actually had the nerve to tell me at one point that I am not to ask this coworker for help anymore, I am to come to her. I wanted so badly to say, "but she is the only one who knows what she is doing; you have no fucking idea what you are talking about half of the time!". And after a while I think she could tell how upset I was getting and she said "I'm not mad at you". I felt like saying "go fuck yourself, you lousy incompetent excuse for a manager". Because she really is.

All she ever does is tell me to not be afraid to come ask for help, yet almost every time I go in to ask for help, it's either like I am inconveniencing her or she gets snippy. I was so upset on Thursday I wanted to walk out the door. I cried the whole way home from work because I was so upset. I don't even want to ask her for help anymore, which sucks because tomorrow I have to go in and finish working on a really difficult chart and I am really not feeling confident about it.

Oh how exciting. My FWA is finding out what her illegitimate brat is tomorrow. I have to laugh, because her car broke down for the umpteenth time on Friday and she was late to work for the umpteenth time. And she says to me "I think it's time for a new car". Oh, you think???! You have only been overdue for one by about 3 years. But oh no, having a baby that the taxpayers have to help fund was more important. I don't understand people's priorities AT ALL. I really don't understand what part of "you should be financially and mentally stable before you pop out a kid" is so difficult for people to understand. Why is it so goddamn difficult??

She wrote something on Facebook on Saturday that she is excited to have off on Monday. Ah yes, because you don't call out or leave early all of the damn time.

On another note....OMG at those storms in the Midwest. I know it's second season, but still. How scary. It's the second time in my life since I started following the SPC webpage that I have seen a high risk for severe weather issued. Two Particular Dangerous Situation tornado watches were issued earlier. Not sure if they are still in effect, or if any more have been issued. Three deaths. And this same system is heading for us overnight. Good lord.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Former Groupies Tell Their Stories on Reddit

Okay, the OP deleted the thread before I got the chance to read it, so that is a bit suspicious. But nooooooooo! Not my sweet curly-haired king! I don't want to hear this!

If it's true, I really should not be surprised. But still. It's disappointing to hear even apparently nice looking (I mean guys who look like they are really nice and sweet, not nice as in good looking; not that Andrew isn't extremely nice to look at, because he definitely is, but you get what I mean) guys are douche bags. Fame....I'm telling you. It can fuck up even the most decent people.

It's official. I hate all men.

5:45PM: Whew, it was about Ben. Even so.....ew. What a dick if it's true. The interviews I have read with them lately have not given me a very good impression of Ben. This did not help.

And I take back what I said about hating all men, but if I ever find out Andrew does this as well, which something tells me is very possible, then it is reinstated. And if it is and assuming she knows nothing about it AND does not partake in it herself, I hope his girlfriend rips his nads off.

Ugh Ugh Ugh

I hate being TMI, but oh well. All week I have had cramping across my lower back and the past couple days, it's being more towards the right side. Today it was spreading into the right hip area. It is incredibly difficult to describe. I've tried repeatedly but can never quite describe it properly. Just that it is similar to menstrual cramps, but with a burning sensation deep within. And sometimes the burning flares up a little, and when it does, I feel like I am just going to bleed all over the place (sorry. I'm sorry). I never do, but it certainly feels like it.

And a new thing has popped up. Yesterday and today I have had discomfort in the rectal area. Not the pain I get sometimes going to the bathroom, but just an uncomfortable pressure feeling, like I have to go to the bathroom, but cannot. It's incredibly annoying and uncomfortable. Add in the cramping, nausea, and terrible PMS I have been having and I feel like putting a gun to my head. If these symptoms subside when it comes on, and then reappear next month before it comes on, then I am definitely going to believe it's female related. And now I am really starting to wonder if I should push for a laparoscopy when I get medical.

Yeah. Okay.

Kings of Leon give girl advice to One Direction

Judging by their dating history, they should have just saved the time and wrote this:

Go for models and models only. Never mind the fact that if it were not for fame, these girls wouldn't give you a sixty-fourth of a glance. You are just too great and wonderful now to lower yourself to date anything else.

 Why I Regret Vaccinating My Kids

I have to admit that even though it was fiction, that episode of Flashpoint I watched on Sunday made me a little leary of vaccinations. Are there tainted ones that are just swept under the rug? Kind of scary when you think about it. But this part:

In knowing how radically vaccines have increased in both timing and amounts over the years, I couldn't help but wonder if this was contributing to the widespread increase of ADD/ADHD, allergies, asthma, seizures and chronic illnesses occurring in our children today.

Yeah, because the rise of ADD/ADHD and other mental illnesses have nothing to do with Big Pharma pushing their crazy pills onto everyone. And getting controversial here, why does no one ever question the rise of all of that shit due to the influx of IVF? I mean, really. I know it's an unfavorable opinion and I am nothing but some baby hating pro-abortionist who doesn't believe the sun shines out children's asses, but come on. I'll always support science to the death, but IVF is just creepy. You are playing God. Clearly there is some reason someone cannot have children.

And speaking of women problems, this cramping in my back is pretty bad right now. It is such a deep burning pain. It feels similar to menstrual cramps, but I am also wondering if it could be intestinal. I'm nauseous. Moody as anything. I came so close to blowing up on my boss earlier. Or walk out the door. But more on that later. I drove home in tears. I wish my period would come.

Ugh, my FWA just posted lyrics on Facebook. The particular lyrics are her new motto. Highlighted them and googled them. They are lyrics from Katy Perry's "Roar". Really? My ears are offended. Just gonna turn up "Mystery Disease" to ear shattering decibels.

OMG I can't believe I am going to be seeing them again in a little over two weeks. I can't believe it's that close already. Excuse me, I have to go squeal like a little girl.

ARGHHHHHHHH

I can't wait to get medical in a couple weeks. I am so fed up with being so cold all of the time. I have flannel pajamas, socks, and a heavy robe and I am freezing. My hands are like ice. And they hurt! And this bullshit of having the air conditioning on in work has got to go (my manager is going through menopause, so we all have to suffer for it). I walked in today- when it was around 30 degrees out- and the temperature was 66 degrees. It was freezing in the office. I could barely work all day because I was so cold and my hands were so cold. It physically hurt to do anything! One of these days I am going to take a sledgehammer to the case covering the thermostat.

I have had cramping across my lower back yesterday and today. I am nauseous. I am supposedly due for it around Monday, so I don't know if that is why I feel so shitty. Of course, now I am starting to get myself worried that I picked up something from one of my coworkers. I'm thinking of all of the things I could catch from my coworkers, especially the ones who have little kids. I'm starting to get to the point that I want to clean everything off  before I use it. I really can't afford to start becoming a germaphobic. Shit. Now my anxiety levels are starting to rise.

I just entered in a Coke cap code on My Coke Rewards and the word boob was in there. I am too old to be laughing at that. But I am going to anyway.

The WTF Of The Day

It Might Be Possible To Give HPV To Yourself

Wait....what? So now you can possibly give yourself an STD just by touching yourself?

Oh well. At least I still can't impregnate myself.

Random Thoughts

A couple weeks ago, one of the girls I used to work, but left right before I started, one of the oldest and most immature back-stabbing bitches in the office, had posted a picture on Facebook of her daughter helping with dinner. And my FWA leaves a comment joking that she wants to come to dinner. So my former coworker tags my FWA, my FWA's friend, and two other coworkers in a comment that says she needs to invite them for dinner some Saturday night. I was kind of in shock at it. Honestly, I want nothing to do with her, but it still stung a little. Actually more than a little. Especially since I know how much shit talking she did about my FWA and my FWA's friend. But hey, they want to be stupid and believe she is their friend, then go right ahead.

I only ever hear about her on ONTD, but lately there has been a lot of talk about Sky Ferreira. She reminds me so much of my FWA, it's creepy. Just imagine her with horrible acne, terrible teeth, a tongue stud, and white trashy. And that is my FWA. Oh, and pregnant. Can't forget pregnant. Ugh, the idea of that raising a child makes me want to drive my car off the nearest bridge.

Actually, a lot makes me want to do that, but that is neither here nor there.

Some time last week, I was coming home from work and got stuck behind a student driver. I was extremely agitated and while I wasn't tailgating, I was driving closer than I should have been. And later on that night, I started to feel bad about how I was driving so close. But then I thought about how once these assholes get their licenses, they'll probably be the same ones who defy the no cell phones/no texting laws because OMGZ nothing bad will ever happen me, and probably the same shits who party every weekend and drive drunk.

On the way to work this morning, I reminded myself to discuss something that happened in work a few weeks ago. Of course I nearly forgot. My God, my memory is getting terrible. Everyone keeps telling me it's because I am getting older. No, sorry someone should not have this bad of a memory at 29 years old. No, I blame psychiatric drugs. Especially Effexor. That evil spawn of Satan. I was watching some show called Flashpoint yesterday morning and some guy got a tainted vaccine and had developed ASL or something, so he went and held the lab hostage. I am surprised no one has ever did that with Big Pharma. Anyway, I am off topic here. A couple weeks ago, one of the big shots from up north came down and later on, one of my coworkers made a comment about it to me, then said "maybe he is here to fire us again", I said "I hope not", and then she said something that she would like that. And I felt like turning to her and say "JFC if you are that unhappy, then fucking quit already instead of bitching for over four years about how much you hate it here". Then we received an email today from Ms. Croquette telling us we were a percentage behind in revenue and if it isn't brought up, then we may have our holiday weekend taken from us. I wanted to round house kick my monitor. Are you fucking kidding me? I am looking forward to having off! Apparently they threaten that every year but it has yet to happen. Assholes.

Boy I can tell my PMS is showing. And I am not even due for another week! I feel like biting everyone's heads off. And have bitten a few off. I can't stand feeling this shitty, both physically and emotionally, every time it's going to be coming. And birth control is supposed to help! And it did not! Instead I was even more emotional and suicidal than usual!

Video Of The Day

"Here's the thing, Martin"



ETA 11/11/13: HOW DID I NOT KNOW THERE WAS AN EXTENDED VERSION????

Random Thoughts

I was just over on the Berry reading the comments in the Post Secret post and a whole bunch of pissed off mombies are attacking a post secreter who said they think all stay at home moms are lazy. And then a fight erupted between stay at home mombies and working mombies. Both need to shut the fuck up. I swear, I have never seen people whine so much in my life as mothers (and some fathers) do nowadays. You made the choice to raise another human being(s)! Deal with it!

Actually, pregnant women are pretty much on par with the whining. And the ones who constantly post on Facebook about how beautiful their bodies are after child birth even though they are not perfect and how mother hood is such a wonderful thing and "omgz I'm a mother, which makes me a teacher, doctor, nurse, etc!" and "I love being a mother" are the ones that seem to do the most bitching about how horrible they feel being pregnant or how hard it is to be a mother. They are the ones that when a Facebook friend makes a post about tired, are the same ones that post "omgz you never seen tired till your* pregnant!" or "you never seen tired till your* a mother". These women actually enjoy being pregnant and/or mothers? You wouldn't know it! Seems like more of an inconvenience than anything! And again- you made the choice.

*that is intentional, since 99.9% of Facebook postings never use the proper spelling of "you are"

A cousin of mine, the one with the absolute perfect life, was whining on Facebook one day because she had to go for a gestational diabetes test and said that pregnant women should become saints for all they have to go through. Really? You want to be sainted because you are doing what nature intended? Although I wouldn't say nature intended for her to be pregnant again.

Yesterday in work, there were no supervisors for a good hour. My FWA, another girl, and I were the only three in the office. I'll give you one guess who spent the hour working and who spent the hour doing no work and bitching about their jobs. I was so pissed off.

I got an email from my FWA last week asking for my address because she wants to invite me to her baby shower. I just stared at the screen thinking, oh god are you fucking kidding me?

I received a call on Thursday from the billing department of the imaging place where I had my ultrasound done and since the lady works the same shift I do, I had to call first thing in the morning. They are refunding me $146 of the $294 I paid. Huzzah!

I don't know how long it will take for any results, but I am frustrated. Especially if nothing shows up, because then what in the hell is going on in there? And even so, it still doesn't mean I couldn't have endometriosis. I could still very well have that. And the thing that is making me really start to worry is the past few weeks, almost every time I have had a good day with my stomach, whenever I am in the midst of um, going, I get really bad pains in the lower colon-rectum area. It's not severe pain or anything, but it's strong enough to make me gasp. And it starts from the bottom and shoots up. And it lingers for about 5 minutes after. Unfortunately, my next step would be laparoscopy and I am not ready to do that yet. At least not until I am insured.

My mother was telling a story on Sunday that I heard before about my neighbor across the street. She has a young brat, maybe 10 or 11, and when she was younger, my neighbor gave her a trust rating system of the neighbors. And apparently she (the mother) gave my parents a fair score. The story still pisses me off. I'm telling you right now- if you cannot trust your child with my mother, then you may as well not trust your child with anyone.

Nope.....Nope Nope Nope

Are Ocean Conditions Ripe for a Jellyfish Takeover?

Random Thoughts

As I have said, I have been pretty damn horny lately. Like maximum level horny. So I just decided to take care of some that and managed to have three pretty damn good orgasms. Particularly the last one. I think if someone else had managed to give me one that good, I probably would have inflicted some body harm from the intensity of it. But I started to cry after the first one, and even harder after the last one. I am so damn frustrated with not having love, and even more frustrated that I probably never will because I am so damn incompetent when it comes to relationships with other people. I know what will happen- I will become way too attached, fly off the handle at the slightest sign of abandonment, hate love hate love, become ridiculously anxious about something happening to the person and become overprotective, etc. I'm a fricking mess.

And then I started thinking about how I have mentioned several times before that I envy crush's and unrequited love's significant others. I don't think I should, but I do. Maybe it's a normal feeling, I don't know.  Mostly, though, I think it's not that I am really jealous but more because these people are significantly more attractive than me and it makes me feel really bad about myself (because I don't do enough of that already). And whether I have a chance with the person (real life) or a snowball's chance in hell (celebrity), it still fucking hurts like hell. But there still is no reason whatsoever for someone who is almost 30 years old to look at her celebrity crush's girlfriend and think Jesus, she is perfect, you will never be that tall, never that thin, never that gorgeous, never good enough, you should just go kill yourself already.

Every time I think I have finally fully comprehended just how fucked up my mind is, some new thought comes along and knocks me for a loop. Why is it I am fully aware that certain thought processes are wrong and fucked up, yet it still doesn't change the way I feel?

And one thing I do not understand is why I feel envious of a male crush's female significant other, but if it is another male, or if it's a female crush, I don't feel the least bit envy. I'd almost say it is because I can't compare myself to a male, but if a female crush had a female significant other, I still wouldn't feel envious. I don't know, I can't make sense of it.

Let's not get into how bad I am still feeling over the refusal to do a transvaginal ultrasound on me.

I have made one mention on here of Tamar Myers' Magdalena Yoder series. I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue reading the first book I read, but I did. And I am actually on my eighth book. They're kind of silly, but they can be pretty funny. I like Magdalena's constant references to "sturdy Christian underwear". I don't know why that makes me laugh so hard, but it does. I pulled out a pair of panties the other day and immediately thought of the books. I don't wear sturdy Christian underwear, but in this day in age of thong thong thong thong thongs, they're pretty conservative (I wear low rise briefs, sometimes bikinis, depends on how fat I feel).

The latest one I am reading, though, Batter Off Dead, I am just not feeling it. Her psuedo stepdaughter Alison is really starting to get on my nerves. I know she is a teen, but her grammar (double negatives; so many double negatives) makes me want to chew nails. Magdalena's new found confidence is so damn annoying. And the hundreds of the references to breast feeding or about Magdalena's boobs being engorged.....oh my god who the hell cares?

I know there was something else I wanted to talk about, but....slipped my mind.

Ugh

Less than an hour and a half until my appointment. All I keep thinking of is one of those wands being inserted up there and NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

ETA 8:42PM: Well, I did not have the transvaginal part done.  They wouldn't do it on me. I was so embarrassed I left the room and ended up bursting into tears in the waiting room. No, wait. First I went out, my mother asked me "you couldn't do it?", I said "no they wouldn't do it", "why?" and I dragged her out into the hallway and told her why. Then I burst into tears. So she says I should go back in and find out more information. One of the registrars saw how upset I was, so she explained to me some things, and then went back and got the tech, who explained to me that she saw everything clearly- my lovely lady parts, the ooterus, ovaries, and endometrium- on the pelvic ultrasound and if there was concern, then she would have done it. But they generally do not do it on people who aren't sexually active. Thank you, nonexistent sex life.

I tried so hard to watch the screen when she was doing the test. I am fascinated with seeing my innards. Especially because there have been brief delusional times where I worried that my whole life as a woman has been a lie and I don't actually possess internal female sex organs. I am not even joking. Of course, that makes no sense because if I did not possess a ooterus and ovaries, then how would I get my period? But I think I am long past the point of trying to understand my mind.

I hope they plan on knocking off some of my bill. This was the facility refusing to do it, not me. I am also bugged, because if nothing shows, then what in the hell is causing this mid-cycle bleeding and cramping all month long? Women don't just bleed and cramp for no reason.

Random Thoughts

Good news, everyone! Dairy Queen has [finally] decided to keep the pumpkin pie Blizzard around for November! I'M SO STOKED!!!!

And speaking of being stoked, I have to go for that ultrasound tomorrow. And wouldn't you know I started bleeding some today? I am so annoyed. I hope it stops before tomorrow. I do wonder, though, if the test can be completed, if I will end up bleeding some. My last pelvic exam I ended up bleeding. I am dreading this. I hope it doesn't hurt really bad. Or at all. And what if I end up getting turned on? And the fact that I have been really horny the past couple days won't help. Ugh, could you imagine? Oh god that would be so embarrassing.

Song Of The Day

Sure "Ho Hey" got overplayed a little, but I don't understand the hate for them:



"It's better to feel pain, than not feel at all"....I beg to differ.

Random Thoughts

So the other day in work, we have a patient come in with a dog. Everyone was saying it was a service dog, despite the fact that it was a teeny fluff ball, nothing like your typical service dog. Quite cute, actually, what I saw of it. A little while later, all this yapping erupts from the waiting room. Everyone was like oh it must be the service dog. I said that is no service dog. Everyone looked at me like I was nuts. Okay. A service dog would never just bark for the hell of it. That could put a disabled person's life in danger. No, it was probably a therapy dog. Or rather "therapy" dog. The idea of therapy dogs are nice, but it's another case of good things assholes had to ruin. People will take advantage of it, and they will say oh this is my therapy dog, when it reality, it is just an excuse to carry their poor dog around everywhere. People are such assholes.

And speaking of assholes, I went to Apple Fest on Saturday as usual. It was a nice day for the most part. Except for my brother-in-law wanting to be in control of everything. And all of the rude ass people. So many times did I have to resist putting my size 7.5 wide width Nikes up many asses.

I'm not looking forward to it, but I am kind of glad I am having the ultrasound done this week. All day in work, I had that dull burning pain in my left lower side. Right now it's across my lower back. It's not bad, but it is very uncomfortable. They're a little different than regular cramps, but damn, aren't menstrual cramps a few days out of the month enough?

Also, really? A skunk in my neighborhood? Yuck.

WUT

Sorry, boys, to take a line from your own song.....you skipped the ship with this video:



I didn't like any of that. It's not that I dislike the actual video itself. It was *clenches hands into fists and grinds teeth* actually kind of cute. But for that song, I did not like it. I've been wanting a video for this song so badly. This was not it. And I wish Andrew would stop doing that brushed back hair look, because it's nasty looking. Also, my inner 13 year-old girl wants to hate his girlfriend so much, but she's so damn cute, it's really hard to.

I'm sad now.

I Did It, Folks!

I finally did it! I finally scheduled an ultrasound appointment! I go next Wednesday. I'm so fucking stoked to go have a foot plus long wand shoved up my lady parts!

I can't deal with this bloating anymore. Something has to give. I don't want to wish anything wrong, but it would be nice if something was found in this ultrasound that would explain why I am so badly bloated. Naturally I am thinking as negatively as possible about this. The chances of it being cancer are slim, but it's not impossible. I honestly have no idea what I would do if someone said oh by the way, you have a mass on one of your ovaries. I would probably just say "oh; that sucks". Not to mention I have no idea how I would even treat it, considering I am not insured until next month. And I am not wasting my time buying from the marketplace. With all of the site problems and the gazillions of people trying to get health insurance, not to mention probably hordes of anti-Obamacare nutcases trying to sabotage the site, by the time I could actually get through to the website, I'll be covered through work.

Okay Then

Internet Risky for Self-Harming Teens, Study Finds

They actually had to do a study on that? Damn, I could have told them that.

Song Of The Day

I need to go to bed in roughly ten minutes, but here you go:

Random Thoughts

So....I have survived one month of being back in the workforce. Cool, I guess? I honestly handled it a lot better than I thought I would. It's actually somewhat nice to have a routine every day. A routine you get paid for. I still have no confidence in my work, though. My manager told me the other she thinks I am ready to go off on my own with small reports. I beg to differ, but whatever, because let's face it- if the decision is left up to me, I will never be ready to go off on my own. 

We had a meeting the other day. By the time it rolled around, I was already pretty annoyed because I had quite a bit of work I wanted to get done and I did not feel like stopping. Apparently HR has gotten a bit pissy about some of the things going on in the office. Things that have been going on since I originally worked there. Why they are just bitching now is beyond me. Well anyway, my coworkers were throwing sissy fits over the changes. Basically, my manager used to run the place that as long as you met your eight hours, rules could be bent. For instance, if I came in 20 minutes later- which I never did, because I am an anal retentive bitch- I would just have to make up the 20 minutes at the end of the day. Or if I wanted to take an hour lunch, I would just stay an extra half hour. But HR says no more to any of that. Look, I know my coworkers were accustomed to the way things used to be, but with the way they were acting in the meeting, you would think we were in a concentration camp. There is nothing strange about what HR is enforcing. It all sounded like normal corporate protocol to me.

I don't believe I ever told this story, but back when I first started in September, one day my manager pulls my FWA into her office. A few minutes later, all of this screaming erupts. And then my FWA comes out pissed off as hell and still yelling. I couldn't believe her behavior. In any other workplace, her white trash ass would have been fired on the spot. Well, she finally got written up for it this week. Apparently our manager was giving her time to apologize, but she never did, so she wrote her up. Why it took so long, I don't know. And she was pissed off. Her theory is our manager yells at them all of the time and never apologizes, so why should she? And why should she get written up? Uh, because you do not talk to your supervisor like that?

I think my FWA believes that being pregnant is an excuse for her to be a raging bitch. I think a lot of pregnant women do. Sure, I understand hormones and all that, but I also believe a lot of women just expect to be bitchy because they are pregnant, so they are. Kind of like a placebo effect. Pregnant women are fucking ridiculous. Every time I see one of those stupid posts on Facebook that say things like "my body is amazing because at one point it had two heads, two beating hearts, blah blah blah blah I AM A MOM", I could scream. Big fucking deal. Why do people think they are so goddamn special because they are fulfilling biological duties? Ugh. You and how many other species? Man, if animals could talk, would they be this obnoxious about their pregnancies? Would they be on Facebook posting pictures that say my body is amazing because at one point it had 11 heads, 44 feet, 11 beating hearts, 22 ears, etc? Man, that would be something.

And speaking of kids, I went to Boo at the Zoo in Philly earlier. Overall it was not a bad day, aside from being too damn cold. And most of the kids in costumes were adorable. Their behavior, not so much. It's things like that that make me want to call and schedule a hysterectomy ASAP. Which, to be honest, isn't really fair, because the fault lies more among their lousy inattentive asshole parents, who were probably just as bad, if not worse, than their children.

I also saw the Electric Factory on the way home! I was surprised to see that it was a lot nicer looking than I pictured it. Then again, I only saw it as we were getting onto the Ben Franklin Bridge. At least I think it was the Ben Franklin Bridge. The only bridge I know is the Tacony, because it is the only one I have ever driven on! Anyway, what the EF is like inside, I don't know. It looks kind of shady in pictures. I wonder if they would hang out in Philly before the concert. I'm pretty sure they were at the Mutter Museum at one point, and I assume it was probably back when they played at the Mann Center in 2010. Inquiring minds need to know this information. If that is the case, then I would want to take the entire day off from work so I can head into town and stal- er, fulfill my stanning duties. Also, if you want any idea of what I would be like as a mother, I would totally dress my kid up like this for Halloween, regardless of age or gender. Could you imagine? "Who is your kid supposed to be?". "Andrew VanWyngarden". "Who is that?". "How dare you. Never speak to me again".

Quote Of The Day

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The Hell?

Last night, I had just started to fall asleep when something jolted me awake. I don't know what it was, but whatever it was, I woke up and was nearly suffocated with anxiety. I climbed out of bed and walked around the house and I was shaking so bad and felt like I was going to pass out and I don't know why. I don't know what in the hell had me so scared. And I have been like that all day, scared and filled with anxiety over I don't even know what. And after lunch, I started having all of these awful images running through my head and I just wanted to lay down and cry. And some of the thoughts were so bad and disturbing, I wanted to run out of the building, hop into my car, and floor it into a wall, or reach in and physically rip my brain out.

And I feel like I am never going to get the hang of this job. My manager tells me constantly it is something that takes a while to learn, but give it a little bit of time and she'll be jumping down my throat, wondering why I am not "getting it" yesterday. I dread going into work every day and opening my email that there is going to be a scathing email, or that I am going to get into trouble by my manager for something she told me to do. And I am beyond terrified that one day I am going to commit a mistake of epic proportions and get fired.