Picture Of The Day

I haven't even been that obsessed with it, but I did it! I finally did it! I broke 1000 plays!

Random Thoughts

Thank God it is going to be Friday tomorrow! Today was probably the closest I came to having a complete meltdown and walking out the door. And heaven forbid I be caught in tears again.

Once. Fucking once.

My dad has really been irritating me lately, especially after how he behaved on the day we celebrated my mom's birthday. The man isn't some creep, he's just fucking stupid and he really needs to learn some fucking boundaries when it comes to his adult daughter. I was in my bathroom the other day and I had not gotten the chance to shut my door yet and I was putting aloe vera on my legs and he comes to the doorway and says good night and then stands and makes small talk. I'm like, excuse me, one I am not interested in small talk with you and two, I do not want my father standing in the doorway when I am rubbing gel on my legs. I am beyond sick and tired of him just inviting himself in my bedroom whenever he damn well feels like it. And he really, REALLY needs to learn that if my door is not open all the way, DO NOT JUST FUCKING ENTER. He needs to realize that I could very well be doing something he has no business seeing and if he keeps it up, with as evil and rotten as I am feeling and as much as he is pissing me off with how he treats my mother, I might turn around and play dirty with it.

I have been feeling quite miserable over the past few days because 1) I had PMS 2) my intestines are acting up again and 3) That Thing is overpowering again. You know, why do I say my intestines are acting up? That is the whole problem! They are NOT working! Everything is going in, but nothing is coming out! I hate constipation! And once again, do you know what I say?















And like I said last week, if I do not go to the bathroom soon, I am going to go absolutely postal.

But anyway, last night I was lying in my bed and feeling miserable and bloated and depressed and That Thing decided to hit really hard. And then I remembered that one time I wrote a letter explaining the entire problem (but have never given to anyone to read and more than likely the only time another person will ever read that letter is if I were to be dead), so I got it out to read and it just made me sad reading it. It's such a terrible lonely secret to have to deal with. I hate that I cannot tell anyone about it. I could, if I want to be ridiculed even more than I already am. I already don't have a big social circle. Telling people this would severely reduce it. My family tells me I can tell them anything, but somehow I have a feeling something like this does not register on their radar of what could possibly be wrong with their daughter/sister/niece/whatever.

All I want is to experience part of it for one day just to see how I would genuinely feel about it. I have dreams of having this thing and in every single dream, the same thing runs through my head- I feel right. And then I wake up and realize it was all a dream and I start to cry.

My WA and I were leaving together and we were both outside ranting and raving and I happened to look across the parking walk and I saw a guy coming with what I want and it was pretty much the only thing I could focus on from that point on (I mean my attention, I wasn't staring. Please, what kind of person do you take me for? Okay, okay, some shifty side eye). We ended our conversation a few minutes later and my car was parked across the lot from theirs and they were still getting situated with getting in the car, so I got in mine and watched through the side mirror (don't judge) and I just felt overwhelmingly sad. Between thinking how bad I want it and how depressing it is that both of us would probably switch places in a heartbeat. I wanted to cry so bad on the way home, but nothing was coming out.

This is definitely a lot more than I am comfortable wanting to admit, but this whole problem is basically Body Integrity Identity Disorder. Except that it is not amputation I want.

And because it is a song that I truly love dearly, thanks to its constant use of getting me through really difficult times, I am making "Written In The Star" Video Of The Day again:

The I Have No Idea What To Call It Of The Day

It's been 19 days- let's check in on the current play count of "Written In The Stars":











Hot damn. And just think- there have been many times where I have been listening to it and accidently hit the next button and the play didn't register. Oh, but good news! I have about 95% of the song memorized. I love the "look at my jacket and hat" line. Every time I hear it, I laugh (and like a major dork, I sing along with it everytime while pointing to my chest and head). If you listen to the rest of the lyrics, it's like, where in the hell did this line come from?

The WTF Of The Day

First off, as you can see, I have had "Driven By Their Beating Hearts" on my iTunes playlist since Christmas time. I will admit I have more than my share of stupid moments, but it was not until a couple weeks ago I realized that Wal-Mart had not even titled the song properly.

If you do a little math, it works out that I have listened to "Written", on average, 21 times a day. That is once per hour in almost an entire day. I think it is safe to say my obsession with this song has reached an unhealthy level, eh? But you know what I also say?

Random Thoughts

I saw an article earlier over in Dlisted about the new People magazine with Catherine Zeta Jones on the front cover and I had to laugh at this quote in regards to her diagnosis of bipolar disorder:

There is no shame in seeking help

Then why are you suddenly just coming to light with getting help for your alleged bipolar, Catherine? Where were you all the time before? Just suddenly diagnosed with it? Bipolar does not just spring up over night like a frigging zit. Oh, I guess it is easy to push people to get mental health care when you are loaded with money. Not when you are some poor little "common" person with shitty health insurance that limits your psychiatric and therapy visits to so many visits a year and increases your co-pay or doesn't even cover mental health care at all. Fuck you.

I hate celebrities. They are slapped with some diagnosis and suddenly turn into advocates and experts on the disease. Fuck celebrities and fuck the psychiatric world.

I was driving home from work earlier and I was thinking about having mental illness and I started to wonder- will I ever get to be truly happy? I mean, actual genuine natural occuring happy. Not happy caused by pills regulating brain chemicals or electrical shock therapy or whatever new thing the field of psychiatry creates to make a profit while destroying peoplep's brains. And I realized that no, I probably never will know what it is like to feel genuine happiness. And I felt like letting out a scream loud enough to break my car windows.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel like I am in a room I cannot escape from. Basically the worst prison imaginable. And I cannot, no matter what I do, get anyone to even get one inkling of understanding of what this nightmare is like. I just can't get through to anyone. I don't know how much more screaming I can do until someone finally HEARS ME OUT.

That last line reminded me of "Written In The Stars". I absolutely cannot get enough of that song. I downloaded it off of Walmart.com on April 7 and since then I have listened to it 279 times:









I absolutely love this song yet every time I listen to it, I just want to fall on the floor and cry. I mean, like loud howling sobs. I don't know why. It makes me sad for some reason. And I can't place my finger on why, but the line "but I will never change" always hits the hardest.

On another note, I was doing my usual thing on Monday night to pleasure myself and I made it to two orgasms and then I cannot remember what I thought of, but whatever it was it somehow caused me to [whatever the female version of cockblock] myself. I could not get anything at all afterwards. I was pissed beyond belief. The same thing happened on Tuesday night as well. The third orgasm is usually the best. I am talking *imitates explosion* It's fantastic.

Random Thoughts

I don't know if it PMS starting to rear its ugly head, the constant change in the weather, my disgust with life, the lousy ass weekend I had, or a little of everything, but man am I cranky.

I was supposed to have a good weekend. I actually had two days of plans and unfortunately, some people had to completely ruin it for me. Saturday I am sitting on the computer and my mom comes in and asks me if I have been ignoring phone calls or emails from one of my sister's bridesmaid (I have not; I did not answer a phone call right before the shower due to having no time to call her back, but I did send an email letting her know I did get her message). That right then and there sets me off, and eventually it turned into an argument. My mom even basically asked me am I trying to ruin my sister's wedding. And that was it. I completely blew up right then and there. I am still so angry and furious at my mom and my sister and her entire wedding party that I can't even remember the full story of what happened. And I am insulted that they even had to ask me if I was ignoring her. If I didn't invest so much in to it already, I would back out right now. And I am telling you- I will never, EVER agree to be in a wedding party again.

Eventually the argument lead to a full blown roast of me and pointing out of all my flaws THAT I AM ALREADY WELL AWARE OF.

I was so angry and hurt, I could not stop crying. I mean the full blown, choking, hyperventilating type of sobbing. I am so overwhelmed with all of the tension in my house, with work, and many other things, and that just really set me over the edge. I was actually at the point of coming up with a suicide plan and that scared the hell out of me. I do remember screaming at one point that congratulations, they put the final nail in the coffin after shutting my door and punching the wall repeatedly and screaming at the top of my lungs. I have never behaved like this ever. What the hell is wrong with me? It scared the hell out of me to feel the rage I felt.

And while the song really did not relate, I had "Written In The Stars" on repeat at full blast and listened to it (and occasionally singing along with it at the top of my lungs) the entire time I cried. And let me tell you, that song got me through one of the lowest times I have had in a long time.

Video Of The Day

"Written In The Stars" by Tinie Tempah featuring Eric Turner. I'll be honest- the lyrics are good, but the only thing I really like about the song is the part sung by Eric Turner:



Surely I cannot be the only one who thought that was Enrique Iglesias singing the part sung by Eric Turner, can I? The first time I heard the song it was on the Fuse channel, which in my defense, I was not watching the TV when it came on, but I remember thinking, hey, a new Enrique song, then I looked up and was like okay, that is not Enrique. Ah, and yes, I just remembered my sister thought it was him too because it came on in the car one day and I said that I liked it and she said something like of course you would like it, it's Enrique.