Random Thoughts

Well that was unsurprisingly a quick 3 days off. Quick summer as well. Boo. I was always one to look forward to the end of summer and the start of fall. Now I hate when summer ends. And I think it has to do with 5 years ago when I was going through such a rough time and then ended up being laid off on top of it. My mental state was really not in a good place then and I think I have been subconsciously associating that with fall since then.

I had no one to do anything with last night so I just did my own thing. Went to Popeye's like last time. I was in there with my book and 3 old people. Then I ran to a few stores and came home and at in front of the boob tube and read. It was depressing as fuck. I felt like going and buying a gun and blowing my brains out. Still feeling like that, actually. More so because I have to go back to work. And because of visions of horrible things happening playing nonstop in my head. I swear to God some days when they're really bad I want to take an ice pick and jam it up my fucking nose.

And to make my suicidal thoughts more depressing....it's apparently National Suicide Prevention week. I saw that earlier and thought, Jesus that would be fucking ironic.

I'm beyond frustrated with this bloating and left lower abdominal distention. Every time I put my pants on I want to cry because they feel so tight on me. I'm so disgusted with myself and disgusted with myself for starting to think I'm fat again. I really should go to the doctor and request an abdominal CT scan. That way it could show the digestive system and female organs. An ultrasound wouldn't do much for me unless there is definitely something going on in my women parts.

I bought Nature Made Advanced Dual Action probiotics the other day. I haven't tried them yet, as I am still finishing up the last few of my usual probiotics. I hope they do something good, though.

Anyway, I am currently reading Robopocalypse by Daniel Wilson. I had bought a copy of Amped in the Dollar Tree back in July and I was very interested in it and then I read some reviews on Robo and thought it sounded intestesing, so I checked it out of my local library. I am simultaneously fascinated and freaked out by it. Definitely enforces my belief that technology is great until it malfunctions. It also makes me think of the "Mother's Day" episode of Futurama. Hey Hey! Ho Ho! 100110!

Random Thoughts

So help me God, if this bug that is up my ass does not crawl out soon, I'm going to lose my mind.

And the crankier I feel the nastier I am getting and the more I am finding myself doing shit even out of the ordinary for me. I have never felt so unlike myself as I do right now. I've had nasty streaks before, plenty, but I don't ever recall feeling so nasty and bitter as I do right now. And I don't like it.

Yesterday I didn't wake up in the greatest of moods. Partly because it was Monday, partly because I knew I had to go back in to a chart that was taking forever to summarize because it was so fucking detailed, and partly I have no idea why. And then something in work put me in a pissy mood for the rest of the day. And truthfully it's probably me just being too sensitive and reading too much into things. Every so often I'll email billing invoices up to our sister company and some time around December we were given a new person to forward them to. And when he would respond to my emails, I noticed he would include Ms. Croquette. Since I know she used to deal with billing back when I got laid off, I figured she needed to be included in sending them and I started to include her on my emails.

So fast forward to what, 4 months later, I email some invoices yesterday and a few minutes later I get an email from Ms. Croquette asking me and the main person we forward them to "please remove me from these emails". And it just rubbed me the wrong way. I know things can be interpreted wrong in emails, but I can just picture her snooty ass typing the email all snooty like. And why four months later am I being asked this? If she is not supposed to be receiving the emails, then why not, oh I don't know, EMAIL ME SOONER?

And then I came home from work in a foul mood and my sister and my nephew were here. One thing that annoys me with sister is she gets pissed if people overstay their welcome but has no problem ever doing it herself. And my mom is trying to get dinner ready and my sister is just taking her good old time leaving and my nephew is making chaos everywhere and I started feeling really stressed out and I went into my bedroom and at some point said "OMG just go the fuck home already!". Except I didn't just say it. I yelled it. And she heard me.

And my FWA is starting to really get under my skin with her attitude.

And something that is really starting to scare me is how paranoid I am starting to feel. Not paranoid in the sense that people are out to get me (for the most part) or aliens are going to abduct me or the government is going to start transmitting things through my teeth. No, rather I am feeling overly paranoid that everyone is being extremely cold towards me and that everyone hates me and wants me to go away and I am worried that someone hacked in to my Facebook account and posted something offensive that I can't see and that's why everyone is being so cold to me. And I keep wondering if it's the Prozac but I can't figure out why over a year later it would start to do this. And now I'm even more afraid to up my dosage that it will make me even more paranoid. All I know is I went to bed last night thinking, god I wish I had a plan so I can just put an end to this miserable excuse of a life already.

ARGHHHHHHHHHH

I don't know if it's because I am on my period (which came 45 days this time, another 2 days later than before; hello again, premature menopause fear), but I am in one hell of a bad mood.

For starters, I'm incredibly pissed with this heat sensitivity. I'm not scared to have root canal done again, since now I know how incredibly not scary it is, but I don't think I should be facing the possibility of having to have it done again. An endodontic specialist did it, for fuck's sake. Root canals are her specialty! And when I went for my 6 month check-up, she had them do a 3D x-ray on me (boy, can't wait to see how much that is going to cost me) and after she viewed it, she went on this long string. And I couldn't understand anything she said because 1) she talks on the very low side of LOW and 2) she's got a very heavy accent. And I, of course, am too proper and spineless to speak up and say I'm sorry I don't understand what you are saying to me.

I am so scared of getting an infection, or possibly having one that is symptom-less, or getting one that ends up spreading to my jaw or brain or causing sepsis or whatever else scary could happen.

And then every goddamn night I have to hear my mother go on about this ailing her or that ailing her and about the ringing in her ears and buzzing in her head and how there is probably something wrong with her and she can't afford for anything to happen to her right now and I feel like I am going to lose my mind. Not the kind of stuff you want to hear when you worry all of the damn time as it is. Especially when the shit is coming from one of the most important people in your life.

I can't take all of the fucking worrying. I can't take worrying something bad is going to happen to my loved ones while I am at work or whenever I am out or whenever anyone else goes out. I can't take worrying that I am going to make a massive mistake in work and get fired. I can't take worrying about identity theft all of the goddamn time. I can't take worrying about my health all of the time. I can't take worrying about my weight. I can't take worrying about tornadoes and other destructive storms when the warm weather comes. It's time like this I wish I would just get the guts to end it all. Anything to stop all of the NOISE.

SMDH

Katie Hopkins Depression Comments Call Some Suicidal People 'Attention Seeking Bastards'

Random Thoughts

It's Puppy Bowl! I have had it on since it started at 3, minus 2 hours of Food Factory. Goat cheerleaders! Katty Furry (who sounds remarkably better than her human counterpart)! Kitten halftime! And best of all, there is an actual full miniature schnauzer this year!

I can't believe the weekend is over already. I feel like I just got off of work and it's Sunday night already. And I did nothing the whole weekend! I am so fucking disgusted.

And I have been having some bleeding the past couple days. Over 2 years; I am so over this. I just want to know why this is happening. All I have concluded is it seems to basically occur around and/or during ovulation time. Is something wrong? It is normal? Is it something I am just basically going to have to deal with until my womanly parts decide to quit?

I am really starting to hate going into work. And it's not even so much that I hate my job itself; it's because I have so much trouble doing my job because of my stupidity in allowing mental illness to take over my life. And I at least can say that yes, I do have a major problem and yes, I would like to get better. But it's also clashing with the part of me that doesn't want to fight to get better and would rather just die. And the latter is starting to want to take control.

And then this shit with That Thing- I know damn well deep down that even if it happened to me, I would not be any happier. I would probably be just as miserable, if not possibly more.

Come On Now

"End Of Our Days" by Howie Day just came up on my playlist and now I am a blubbering snotty mess. And all I keep thinking is, I wish I had the guts to kill myself. Followed by see you're even too chicken shit to do yourself in. What in the hell is going on with me?

Quote Of The Day

One of my favorite scenes from Beetlejuice:

[in the waiting room of the afterlife]
Barbara: Adam, is this what happens when you die?
Receptionist: This is what happens when *you* die.
[points at a gaunt man smoking]
Receptionist: That is what happens when *he* dies.
[points at a woman cut in half on the sofa reading]
Receptionist: And that is what happens when *they* die. It's all very personal.

I guess it's just my morbid sense of humor, but I always laugh when the receptionist says "and I'll tell you something- if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had my little accident" and she shows her slit "across the street" wrists.

Random Thoughts

As if I didn't need any more proof that the influx of new ONTDers were delusional wack jobs, one day someone posted an article about musician I have never heard of stealing the bassline from "Electric Feel". Here is one genius comment:

Worst song to ever happen to music? Are you for real? Even if I wasn't a hardcore MGMT stan, I still would not call it the worst song to ever happen to music. Just look at the Billboard charts and you can find plenty of songs on there that are just downright awful.

God, there are some stupid people on that site anymore.

And yes, I still stan hard for MGMT. I know I haven't discussed them much lately, but oh damn do I still adore them. I can't believe it's already been almost 1 year since I saw them last. I NEED TO SEE THEM AGAIN. My crush on Andrew has kind of cooled down. Don't get me wrong- I still think he is flawless as hell and I would marry him in a heartbeat and have a million babies with him (maybe), but he's moved from being the king of my celebrity crushes to the hall of celebrities I will eternally love (although frankly I find labeling him a celebrity to be insulting). The throne is pretty much open, although I have to say I have kind of developed a fascination with that Simon guy (from Kuroma). He's hot. You want to talk guys with strange hair? There you go. It's more normal looking now, but still pretty out there. Normally I wouldn't care for guys who bleach their hair, but for some reason or another, it works for him. Also, I wish I could find the link again (too lazy to look for it again) but there is a picture of him and Andrew and apparently they have matching tattoos. I....I don't know what to think of that.

And speaking of MGMT, fan pictures are posted a lot on that one Tartlr page I follow and I always have to laugh at how the girls in the pictures are always like "me and Andrew (or whichever band member) tee hee me looking all ugly tee hee". Aw, does someone need validation? Ugh, it's so annoying. Sure, I say I am ugly all of the time, but I genuinely mean it. I genuinely think I am hideous and no amount of reassurance from others can change my mind. These bitches just want all of their little Tartlr friends to rush in and say omg you SOOOOO don't look ugly!

And going back to stupid people, back when I first started back at my workplace, my manager told me that she'll generally allow us to go to appointments and if we're not using PTO, then we can take it unpaid as long as it is under 4 hours and we have a doctor's notes. And then she went on to tell me how notes weren't previously necessary but one day they found out an employee was leaving and saying she was going to a doctor's appointment, but was actually going to get her nails done. And I don't know how I didn't suspect it at the time, but I ended up finding out from one of my coworkers that the employee going to get her nails done was none other than my FWA. She really is one brazen bitch, isn't she? And the fact that she knowingly lied and was basically found out and is still there will forever boggle my mind. I am starting to feel like she could come in and shoot up the place and she would still have a job afterwards.

I finally decided on days to take off one night and the next day I went in with my list and when I opened my email, there was a message about our holiday luncheon and it was for one of the days I planned to take off. To say I was ecstatic is an understatement. When I gave my boss the dates she was all disappointed that I wanted off the date of the party and then started questioning why she even planned it for that day. I kept hinting that it wasn't a big deal. Not even 5 minutes after I left the office, we get an email that the date was changed. So now I am still stuck having to attend. I felt like upending my desk and screaming every curse word under the sun.

I just pure dread going into work now. I am so damn stressed out and it's affecting my work and now I am getting stressed because I don't feel I am pulling my weight, which in turn is making me even more stressed and affecting my work even more. It's a never ending cycle.

And speaking of stress and cycles, earlier I went to do something and leaned on my breasts and they hurt. And I have felt crampy in my lower back and thighs all day. Not to mention I have had episodes of dizziness, nausea, and some other not so pleasant things and now I am in panic overdrive that my period is going to come early, as these are symptoms I typically experience before it comes. Plus yesterday my heart was doing that thing where it feels like it stops, then starts up with a bang- another thing I sometimes experience before it comes. I have never so badly needed to talk to a doctor as I do now. My mind is so consumed over perimenopause that I could probably have a cancerous lump growing out of my head or my left arm ripped off and I wouldn't even notice. I am beyond desperate to know what is going on, although at this point, if it's something that could potentially be deadly, I really couldn't care.

Like I have said before, I can't imagine how awful someone must be feeling when they actually attempt suicide. I feel so horrible and I still can't bring myself to actually attempting it. Or even coming up with a plan for that matter. I can't even imagine feeling lower than I already do. I just think about death all of the damn time. I go out for a 10 minute walk during work and every time I walk along side the road, I think gee, what would happen if I were to throw myself in front of a car? That evil part of my brain practically has a boner if a tractor trailer is coming. Every time I see Christmas stuff I just want to cry. I can't stand how awful I feel. It's insufferable.

And going back to the 10 minute walk part, I briefly wondered if the fact that I started walking more if that is why I had that bizarre lengthy episode of spotting and I thought, JFC what am I supposed to do? Stop walking? Not something I should really be asking myself right now, eh? Also, quite a few times I have hurt my back and my mom always says "you need to watch out with back problems; you don't want to end up paralyzed or something". Oh Mom, if you only knew.

Random Thoughts

I decided to have soup for lunch earlier and when I was almost finished it, I started to feel warm across my shoulders and face. All I could think was good god, am I having a hot flash? And my breasts have been sore the past couple days and now I have myself all stressed out that it's a sign of perimenopause and/or my period is going to come early. I can't fucking take this anymore.

In work on Friday, I was one of the recipients of an email from a client who was bitching because in the doctor's report, the doctor had stated multiple times that he had no claim petition to view and the client had sent a letter stating that there was no claim petition. At first I couldn't figure out why I was receiving it. Then I realized I was the one who had asked for the medical records. And when the client sent them to me, he had made the email the letter to the doctor, which stated that there was no claim petition. I had forgot to print out the email stating that. Of course, now that I think about it, I may have not even been the one who actually printed out the medical records and I am sitting here beating myself up over it for nothing. I won't know until I get into work tomorrow, although chances are I was probably the dope who did print them.

I told my manager about it and she just said it's not a big deal and something about the client overreacting. I guess it really isn't; I mean, any way you look at it, the doctor didn't lie- he didn't have a claim petition to look at it. He just didn't know that one didn't exist. But I am going to continue to beat myself up over it because that's my general nature.

When I was on vacation and I had that one night of really bad insomnia and ended up having a few panic attacks, my mom hollered at me during one of them and then stormed back inside (I was outside on the porch so I didn't wake my nephew who had been a particular nightmare that night going to sleep). I was so upset at getting yelled at that I was seriously considering going inside and taking the rest of my Ativan pills with the bottle of Peach Schnapps we had brought with us. It more than likely wouldn't have done anything, because it was only 24 pills and I think I remember reading somewhere that many psych drugs are made so people can't easily overdose on them (or I might be having pipe dreams), but hey when you feel the way I did at the time, rationality is a rarity. Sometimes I really wish I had gone through with it.

ETA 9/22: I was the one who printed out the medical records. Guilty as charged.


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Article Of The Day

This is a wonderful article:

Attitude Magazine » Darren Hayes: ‘We are all Robin Williams’

I can't say I was ever a huge fan of Robin Williams. I saw plenty of movies with him, like Ms. Doubtfire, Aladdin, Toys, etc and was obsessed with watching old episodes of Mork & Mindy when I was a kid. Oh, and Nine Months also- now that movie he was hysterical.

I didn't know a whole lot about Robin Williams, so I didn't know he had depression issues or if he was open about them. I did know a little about the addiction problems, that's about it. But he was a good example of how looks can be deceiving, how someone can appear to be so happy but dying emotionally on the inside. I think if people were to discover just how much emotional pain I have, they'd be shocked, because my outward appearance and demeanor barely shows it.

And every person who makes a comment that oh but he seemed to have it all or that suicide is cowardly or selfish or oh someone I know survived this or anything remotely similar needs to sit down. Forever. On a bench with rusty nails sticking up.

Random Thoughts

I am shaking so bad inside from all of this shit. I am so bugged with this. And I am sick to my stomach how I am going to pull it off this week, because guess what? I am still going. I am going to have to try and get in and get a doctor's note somehow to get me out of work.

And you know what? Every thing I will tell the doctor will not be a lie, because I really am very close to having a breakdown right now. It's bad enough I have been going through a month of worrying from morning until night that I am going through early menopause, amongst other things. This has definitely shoved me closer to the edge. And my primary doctor already knows my mental health history. Hell, he was the one who put me out of work before, the week before my therapist sent me to that hell hole. I really cannot concentrate in work. I really am having trouble sleeping. I really am overwhelmed by everything. No lies whatsoever.

And if I get one and go to call out and am giving a hard time, I will simply say "I will not be in and when I come back I will give you my doctor's note. If you have a problem with this, then contact my doctor". And do you know why I will say that last part? Because HIPAA, that's why.

And like I said, if I end up getting fired, I honestly don't know what I will do to myself. I worry that I might take it bad enough to attempt suicide. With my state of my mind, it's very possible. And god help (not really) the poor soul who would have to deal with the wrath of my mother if that happened. Well, anyone in my family, but especially my mother.

And speaking of wrath, I am feeling the wrath of my period right now. Good God, I haven't had cramps like this in awhile. And they're mostly in the back, although right now they're centered directly over the uterine area and shooting through to my back. In work earlier, I not only was having nasty cramps across my back, but I also kept getting this stabbing pain in my rectum area that would make me grab onto the arms of my desk chair.

And to add more unneeded stress, I am closely watching my flow to see if it's lightening or getting heavier and I am sick with worry that it will end too early. JFC it never stops. I should be able to temporarily relax once my period comes on, but noo heaven forbid I ever be allowed to relax.

Thank God for "Siberian Breaks". That tends to be my go-to song when I need to relax. It doesn't help much, but it does help a little. You know, one day I saw a couple pictures of people's MGMT tattoos and I thought damn, even I don't think I could bring myself to do that. Then I had to remind myself that one night I made a pact with myself that if I still liked them 10 years from whatever year that was, I would get lyrics from "Siberian Breaks" tattooed somewhere on my body. Everyone keep that mind if this shithole is still in existence in a decade.

And speaking of tattoos, I've been itching for a new one.

I don't know why people in my neighborhood feel the need to set off fireworks after midnight on Friday nights. It sounds like shotguns and scares the hell out of me.

I don't know how I am ever going to sleep for the next several nights.

Random Thoughts

So my annual performance review....not quite as bad as I thought. Most of what was said wasn't anything I disagreed with. Of course, my manager still had to go and bring up that I tend to get emotional and overwhelmed easily. And my main task of work needs to be improved some. Which I am already well aware of. I scored a 3.67 out of 5 and I am getting the maximum percentage raise. I meet expectations and am an asset to the company.

Of course, my sick mind starts to think about it and immediately goes on the attack. 3.67 out of 5? Percentage wise that would be a 73.4%, which is a low C in school. I meet expectations? Why do I not exceed expectations? And then my manager made some comment about how I come in and ask questions and stated that a lot of times she doesn't understand why I ask them when I pretty much know the answer. Um, because I am double checking? I don't get it- she raves that I am someone who will ask questions and not just do shit on my own and then she makes comments like that. Do I ask or not? Like WTF? She also stated that she has noticed an improvement in my work output. I still don't see it. She made some comment about how I tend to stick with smaller files. Um, because you told me to do so? She also made a comment that she hasn't had one complaint from a doctor yet. That is all I needed to hear. Now I am just waiting for one to come along.

I had a shitty day in work. I woke up feeling like crap because I want to Maggiano's last night for dinner and it made my already feeling like crap stomach feel even crappier. I also had wicked heartburn and the taste of garlic in my mouth. I took 2 Pepcids and they barely did shit. When I got to work I made coffee and because no one knows how to properly stack boxes, I had to move one and cut my thumb. Now I am going to be worried that I am going to get an infection.

Then when I went looking for work, there were 3 charts waiting for Monday that were all fairly small, so I took the biggest at 0.5 inches since I got nitpicked for taking smaller ones. Big. Mistake. It was one of those small deceiving ones. I worked on it the entire 8 hours and still wasn't completed it when I clocked out. And it was a fucking nightmare. About a hundred different complaints, pain constantly switching sides, etc. At one point I couldn't hold back anymore and I went into the bathroom and cried for about 10 minutes because I was so frustrated. And when things like this happen, I also get frustrated because I start worrying that superiors are going to look at my work log and will be like, well why did it take you so long you know what this isn't working out we have to let you go. I worry about this all of the goddamn time.

We were also having that luncheon today. I didn't even go in the conference room. And of course I realize how that makes me come off to others, but I am sorry, I just couldn't go in. I was too upset and anxious and being in that room and listening to all the stupid gossip about our sister company and how dumb everyone is up there (and really, I wonder if they are all that bad) and listening to our temp with the loud screechy nasally voice and my FWA would have made me lose it.

I did get upset while I was sitting at my desk and thought god why do I have to be socially inept? Even if I was in there, I would have felt incredibly uncomfortable and self-conscious like I usually do when I do actually sit in there. Plus, once everyone would start getting on me about not eating I would have felt even worse and even more self-conscious. It would be nice if one could admit to their issues without everyone judging them and thinking they're weird.

Earlier, before my mom went to bed, she was getting on me about everything. Nitpicking every thing I said. And I swear that woman loves to play Devil's advocate. Every time I complain about someone, she defends them. She does nothing but bitch about my dad, but the minute I say something, she's defending him. Or if I complain about something my sister did, she is right there defending her (of course, my sister says she does the same thing in regards to me).

And ever since I saw that article about people saying childless people just had bad moms, I have been thinking. Don't get me wrong, my mom was a very good mom growing up and I love her to death. But to be honest- and I would never admit this to anyone but maybe a therapist- there were things she did that contribute to my reasons for not having kids. I fully understand mental illness and the apathy that comes along with depression. But when you're a kid and you're excited about shit and your mom says stuff like I really could care less, it kind of gets to you after so long. And I understand that feeling now, but I still don't want to subject a kid to it.

One of the things I said earlier was that with his temper and no patience, my brother-in-law shouldn't have had a kid. My mom turns and says "well I have no patience maybe I shouldn't have had kids". She has said quite a few times that maybe she shouldn't have kids. I frankly don't care when she says that, because I know my mom loves me and was one of those women who wanted nothing more than to be a mom, but I have bitten my tongue more times that I can count to keep from saying "yeah it's a shame you didn't do a huge favor and just fucking aborted me". That would not go over well. But the sad thing is, I do often think that.

The amount of times I think of death on a daily basis is just unhealthy. Hell, earlier in work when I was working on that nightmare file, I kept thinking about how it would have taken the other workers no time to do and here I am spending a whole day on it and I thought about how I would like to go home and either blow my brains out or chase a bottle of pills down with vodka. The amount of times I think of suicide is even more unhealthy, but it is just that- thoughts. Nothing more. Would I like to act on my plans? Yes. But I can never muster enough courage to actually do so. Heaven knows what it would actually take for me to do so. That's why I laugh whenever I think about my hospital stay. That was probably the closest I ever came to actually considering acting on my plans, but I still was nowhere gutsy enough to do so. I felt like laughing at the employees and saying bitches, please, like I'd ever actually act on it, even though I desperately want to.

And before I go:

MMGGMMTT (whoisMGMT) on Twitter

The fuck you do to yourself now, boy?!

Mind! Stahp!

I don't know how much more of this obsessing over my menstrual cycle I can take. Every goddamn month, after it ends, I worry I am going to spot or get it early. Once I pass the spotting mark, then it's only worrying I am going to get it early. If I don't get it early and it comes on time, then I am fine. If I pass the expected mark, then I start to worry it's not going to come at all. All because I am worried I am going through premature menopause. And every little thing puts me on edge. If I have vaginal itching, it's a sign. If I get hot, it's hot flashes. I'm on day 18 in my cycle and I'm sick with worry that it's going to come early. I'm fucking tired of it. It's exhausting!

There have been many times in the past where I have had suicidal ideation, but no active plans, or any plans at all, and I have considered calling a suicidal hotline. Unfortunately, I am too scared to call that someone will trace my phone number, find my location, and take me to the hospital.

I recently started talking with someone through private messaging on another site and I haven't chatted with someone so much like me (poor girl) since that guy Sam I used to talk with (God, I miss talking with him so much). I haven't heard from her since Friday and while I know she has been busy, naturally the paranoia in me is making me worry I said something to scare her off.

I'm just beside myself right now. I feel so low and hideous and worthless, I wish I could physically escape my mind. Or just start screaming and never stop.

Ugh

Lisa Robin Kelly Has Died

Aw, I loved her on That 70's Show. Her character was one of the best parts of the show. The faces and snide comments she made were priceless. And then to die while in the midst of getting clean is just ridiculously horrible. These deaths the past 2 days are depressing. I loathe any of the Bachelor or Bachelorette shows, but the suspected suicide of that former Bachelor contestant made me sad.

On another note, I wish someone on ONTD would stop saying that Pretty Little Liars needs more Shay (Mitchell, aka Emily). Every fucking post. Dear God no! If she learns to act, then I will say maybe. Otherwise, hell no. I was so annoyed with her the last episode I watched. In addition to her terrible acting, her girlfriend, Paige, throws her this nice surprise party and Emily breaks up with her there. Now maybe Paige is part of A, I don't know. But Lindsey Shaw will always be Moze to me. Man, I miss that ridiculous show. I also have to say, I was extremely disappointed that Jenna didn't die. I thought for sure that bitch was a goner, but no such luck. Shana needs to GTFO also.

Random Thoughts

Saturday was that cookout my sister and brother-in-law were throwing. I was surprised they actually went through with it. And do you know how it worked out? My mother did a lot of the work, and my sister's mother-in-law helped her put out the desserts. My sister did a lot of the work. My brother-in-law's friend did most of the grilling. My mother, sister, grandmother, my father, and I did the cleaning up while my brother-in-law sat on his fat ass with his friend. I was so livid when I left I wanted to punch something. Or someone. I'll give you one guess who.

Do you remember when I mentioned how he said to me "do you ever wish you could say things out loud?". Last night was one of those moments. And thank god I have some degree of control over my temper, because I really would have liked to have lost mine last night and tore him another asshole. And I would have liked to have torn my sister another asshole for allowing him get away with it. But do you know what would have happened? I would have gotten in trouble, even though everyone would know I was right. I would have gotten in trouble for starting trouble.

During that time, the baby had been put up in his crib to go to sleep. He didn't want to, so he wailed his head off. I went up with him at one point and just leaned over the crib and rubbed his shoulder and arm. That clearly wasn't going to work, because all he kept doing was looking up at me and doing his silly face where he sticks his tongue out and smiles. I always laugh when he makes that face. But I just looked down at him and thought, god he is such a sweetie, and I thought about my dream the night before, and I started to cry. I don't know, surprisingly my nephew seems to really like me now. Heaven knows what he'll be like when he is older.

Friday night I had one of the most disturbing dreams in my life. It was the first time I ever dreamt I actually attempted suicide. I don't know why I tried to do it. All I know is I grabbed a rather large handful of pills, swallowed them all, and then I laid on my bed and kept thinking, am I doing the right thing or am I making a huge mistake? I never did get an answer. I woke up and the first thing I thought was Jesus fucking Christ what was that all about? I don't know why I did it in my dream, but I could easily list several reasons why I would like to do it in real life.

Friday night, my FWA posted some whiny ass Facebook status about my former boss. I swear, I wish I could have sent my fist through the monitor and have it come out hers and hit her square in the face. Fucking ungrateful piece of white trash. I would do anything to have my job back! And yeah, my former boss was a whack job, but clearly I was doing something right, considering she was rarely on my ass about stuff. I don't know what my former coworkers think. Do they honestly believe they can come late into work, wear inappropriate clothing, carry on half hour plus conversations.....and not get reprimanded for it? I don't get it. Did I miss something?

And speaking of missing something, what am I missing in Futurama since it started airing on Comedy Central? Every forum or webpage I go on that mentions it being cancelled, everyone is so sad about it. I am not the least bit sad about it. Except for a few I didn't mind, I hate the new episodes. I don't think the humor in the show is like it used to be. Sure, Bender has always loved his floozies, but now he is like this sex-obsessed maniac. And that is all he seems to do. And the humor just felt cheap and too much pop-culture references. When I started watching it, I felt like the humor was different compared to other cartoons I watch. Now it just seems on par with them. I don't think I could ever get enough of the older episodes, but these new ones.....you can have 'em.

Oh For The Love Of.....

Boy, am I in a bad mood right now. I don't know why. Well, actually I do, but I am not going to get into it right now. Also, I have felt like shit all day. My throat feels all irritated and I have had the chills all day. No fever or anything, though. And to aggravate me even more than I already am, I was just in the bathroom and I was brushing in my teeth and I looked in the mirror and the first thing I thought was omg, does my skin look darker? I was just starting to think this fear of having Addison's disease was maybe, just maybe, finally starting to go away permanently. I am sitting in the dark right now because I am afraid I am going to start analyzing every part of my body.

I am also worried that my period is going to come early. I have been squeezing and pressing on my breasts all day (yes, in private) to see if they are sore. Normally that would turn me on a bit, but not when I am racked with anxiety. It's just making me miserable.

I was in Acme with my mother the other day and "My Heart Will Go On" came on and I said, "I don't know how I ever liked that stupid song, because now I hear it and want to blow my brains out". My mother says, "I don't think there is much that doesn't make you want to do that". I said, "No. No, there isn't". It's kind of confusing why I think of blowing my brains out every day, since as I have said before, that is the last method of suicide I would ever resort to. And while I think about suicide every day, I don't necessarily want to actually commit it every day, if that makes sense.

Also.....getting real tired of your shit, Shockwave Flash plugin.

Random Thoughts

So the July 4th party was semi-survivable. You know, I love how whenever I go up to relatives, a lot of times I get "Hi! Where is your sister?". I'm doing just great, thanks for asking!

One point, my brother-in-law made one of many snide comments about my mother and then he says to me "do you ever wish you could say things out loud?". I turned to him and said, "Yes. Yes I do. Very much so." And I'd like for him to be on the receiving end of it.

Sometimes I really want to change my name and run away.

I was just looking at a gallery of summer pictures on the Berry- boy, for a site that likes to make fun of hipsters, this gallery oozed hipsterdom- and it reminded me of this time my mother and I went to the beach and there was the group of teenage guys next to us. One of the guys was being buried in the sand and eventually all that showed was his head. Next thing I know, his friends are sprinkling potato chip crumbs around his head. I can't remember if any seagulls ever came. It was mean, but I started laughing. And I still laugh about it.

I always expect there to be weird shit on late night TV, but nothing quite like what I saw on Saturday night. I had insomnia as usual, so I went out to the living room to watch some TV. And I came across this movie called The Baby on TCM. I watched maybe 10 minutes of it and it was one of the most disturbing movies I have ever seen. I couldn't even tell you what it was about, except that there was an intellectually disabled young man (look at me being all PC, but I have too much of a soft spot for intellectually disabled people to use the R word anymore) that the family called the baby. The whole time I had it on, I kept thinking what on earth am I watching?

And speaking of disturbing, it's known that I tend to have a lot of disturbing thoughts run through my head at any given time of the day. And one night I was thinking of rape. I don't know why, but I was. And I was thinking if it ever happened to me, I would probably commit suicide (there are a handful of things in life that would definitely push me over the edge. The edge I am constantly on, although as of right now, I am just sitting on the edge, not planning on going over, but something could still come and push me over). I am pretty indifferent on the value of virginity, but if someone were to take mine from me without my consent, it would be devastating.

I was reading an article on ONTD one night about how Zooey Deschanel prohibits pictures or something at She & Him shows. Ugh I just can't with her. She is so goddamn annoying anymore. And every time I see the word "adorkable", I want to roundhouse kick someone in the head. I mean, sure some people are obnoxious about pictures at concerts, but I see nothing wrong with taking a few pictures. I am still kicking myself in the ass for not having any pictures from Musikfest. It's not like I would have taken 700 pictures or something. Unless I was in the front row. Then I would have taken like 1,583 pictures of Andrew alone. Nah, just kidding. If I had had my camera with me that night, I would have probably taken about 5 pictures at the most. Even one picture would have been sufficient. Just something to document the best night of my life!

But somewhere in the thread, someone complained about people who sing at concerts. I was guilty of that. I didn't sing loud or anything. I don't even think my mother could hear me and she was right next to me. I didn't realize that it was a concert annoyance, so now I feel kind of dumb. But I listen to their music so much it's just kind of habitual to start singing with it. And what else was I supposed to do? Just sit there and not do anything? Get up and dance? Oh I would have loved to have gotten up and danced, but 1) the spot we were sitting in was too open and 2) I wasn't about to dance on wet metal bleachers.

I spent the whole weekend of June 21 being disappointed that I couldn't go to Firefly music festival. I would have loved to, although I am not quite sure if I could handle the music festival scene. Firefly was rated one of the best family music festivals by AARP magazine (what? My parents have a subscription and I read it), but I am still not fond of crowds like that. A few days later when my local radio station posted about MGMT's new album coming out, quite a few people in the comments complained about their performance at Firefly. Now whether what anyone said is true, I don't know. Frankly, I am not a good judge of their performances, because they could get up on stage and fart and I'd still say it was flawless. Well, no that isn't true. I have seen earlier performances and I wouldn't call them flawless. I liked their performance of "Brian Eno" at Lollapalooza 2010 that Comcast On-Demand insists on putting on their line-up constantly (if it's not their V-Fest performance of "Electric Feel"), but while I don't want to say it was horrible, let's just says Andrew's live singing has greatly improved since then. And especially since V-Fest. But if it was truly not good, then I am not as disappointed that I didn't get to see them.

Oh, who am I kidding? I am sure I still would have enjoyed it. 

Random Thoughts

I should be heading off to bed, but I just don't feel like it. Since all of this insomnia shit started, I don't look forward to bed as much as I used to. In fact, I am starting to dread it. But even if I don't want to go to sleep, I could read. But I don't want to do that either. I just started A Catered Christmas and out of all of the A Catered series, I don't recall Bernie and Libby annoying me as much as this book. I think 95% of the book is the two arguing with each other. And for 2 grown women, they argue over the stupidest shit! Good grief. STFU! Bernie needs to shove her know it all attitude up her ass and Libby needs to pull the stick out of her ass. Also, I still want an explanation as to how someone who works in a bakery can afford $500 Jimmy Choos.

And their father...well I can't decide whether I like him or not. On one hand, he is an insufferable old crank and that makes me laugh, especially when he loses his patience with his daughters. On the other hand, he is an insufferable old crank. And for the love of God, will Ms. Crawford reveal what is wrong with him already? Judging by the pattern of relapses and remissions, and that he has hand tremors, my guess is it could be MS, but I could be wrong.

However, these books are still significantly more tolerable than the Hannah Swenson series. But I do believe this may be my last one. I can't take the bickering.

I am not looking forward to this Thursday. Which is a shame, because I like the 4th of July. I complained Saturday about not wanting to go and my mom says that if I knew how to drive there, I could take my own car and leave when I want. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to go period! I want to go to this party about as much as I want to be go back to the crazy house!

Actually....I think I would rather do that.

And speaking of that side of the family, I remembered one day that my fat bitchy cousin bought a puppy a while back and then she didn't like taking care of it. So she gave it to another cousin. I loathe people that do that and since I already loathe that bitch, now I super loathe her. Do people think taking care of an animal is easy or something? And unless someone has a major animal allergy or the animal turns into a vicious monster that eats people's faces, there is no reason to get rid of an animal. To me, once it is there, it's family. Most people won't get rid of their children if they find it too hard or to expensive. So why do it to a poor defenseless animal?

The day my other cousin posted that they had my bitchy cousin's dog now, I was going to post a status that said "there is a special place in hell for people who get rid of an animal because they are too self-absorbed to take care of it anymore", but that would have been the day everyone decided to pay attention to my status (I post so rarely that when I do, I don't think anyone even notices).

Before I ever started reading ONTD, I was never aware that there are people who actually worship models. It kind of astounded me when I came across it. It is kind of weird. I don't pay attention to fashion much- although judging by what I see in public, I apparently pay more attention to fashion than the average American; LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS, PEOPLE- but I never understand how some of the big name models are so popular. Most of them are pretty unattractive and/or nothing special. Like I don't get the fascination with Miranda Kerr. Sure, her body is nice, but that face. She looks like someone cut a toddler's head off and stuck it on an adult body. It's usually the ones who are relatively unknown that are attractive.

I was giving an opportunity to apply for a job last week. I wasn't thrilled about the actual job itself, since I had done that kind of work before and sometimes it was not pleasant, but I liked the hours and it offered benefits. I emailed the manager for an application and she told me that several people had inquired about it. As soon as I saw that, I knew I had no chance of getting it. I filled out the application anyway, but it's been almost a week and I haven't heard anything. It's so frustrating. Being unemployed really blows. Not getting jobs because you are unemployed blows even more. Feeling suicidal is a pretty normal feeling for me, but it's things like this that make me understand why unemployment offices put up suicide hotline posters.

Random Thoughts

Warning: parts of this post may be sexually explicit and TRIGGER WARNING: disturbingly descriptive of suicide. I am absolutely positively by no means glorifying suicide or encouraging anyone to do anything. Please do not!

It seems like I am no sooner done with my period and it is time for it to come again. It may also have to do with having little sleep last night, but I have been a nightmare today. It was one of those days where I won't argue with people when they say "omg I think you have PMDD!". I was flipping through the channels one day and I came across some show on MTV- Girl Code, I think it was called- and everyone was discussing their periods and making all of these stupid stereotypical jokes. I wish I could joke about PMS and my period. But it's hard to joke when you feel like a complete monster. I don't even want to be around me during this time.

It is not a good week to have PMS like this. It really isn't.

I was going to call several radiology places to try to get price quotes on a transvag ultrasound. Then I figured, why even bother. I will never be able to go through with the test. I will never be able to stick that probe up in my vaginal area. I was in the shower earlier and decided to try to stick one finger up in there and almost cried from the pain. Then I did cry because I feel like a fucking reject. I guess I better just get used to the idea of being a virgin forever, because as of now, I can't see sex ever happening. I can't even explain how inadequate that makes me feel.

When I was a baby, my mother said at some point the opening to my vaginal area started to close. I googled it earlier and it's known as labial adhesion and usually due to low estrogen. I often wonder if that has anything to do with the problems I have nowadays. Or if it's just another something wrong with me. JFC, I haven't been right since day one. I also wonder if sometimes it has anything to do with this one time I had a tampon in and when I went to take it, there wasn't enough, um, lubrication on it and I swear, I felt like my entire vaginal area ripped in half. I've always had problems with pain, but it didn't seem to get worse until that happened. I used to at least be able to wear any size tampon. Now I can barely get a regular sized one in. Or maybe I just still am so scared from when that happened that I get too tense.

And feeling this bad and inadequate is not helping with the endless train of disturbing thoughts in my head. I am not suicidal, but I just keep thinking of the idea of suicide a lot. About the different methods, the cons of each method, etc. I think about how people do it by shooting themselves, probably one of the last methods I would ever use, although with the amount of torment my mind unleashes on me, I can't think of a better punishment than to use a gun. A lot of times if I am just sitting around doing nothing, I study the veins on my wrists. Also not a likely choice, as I find the idea of hemorrhaging to death extremely unappealing.

When you spend as much time as I do thinking about suicide, you find fault in any method. And that is how it has been for all of the years I have had depression and suicidal ideation. Every method I have thought of using has cons. And now I wonder how many could cause Addison's disease (which has gone into dormancy. For now) should the person survive. And it was not until I went on Wellbutrin that the idea of suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning ever entered my mind. And truthfully, that still seems to be the best method.

Last week and this week, I have bumped up my calorie intake to 1300 on the days I do not exercise. It has made things slightly easier (I tend to get a little too preoccupied with eating and calorie intake), but I am still overly fearful that I am going to gain like 20 pounds. I would love for one to be able to eat 1400 calories on my off days, as well as the days I exercise. I am not quite ready for that yet. I'll see what happens with this. I wouldn't mind becoming more active to be able to eat more calories, but I am so afraid that I will get too active and bring on the spotting again.

Earlier I saw a paper on the kitchen counter from the law firm my father is going through about disability. Apparently he was denied a claim. Now I don't think he should get it since he is retired and clearly not planning on going back to work. Nor do I doubt that a lot of his problems come from being so damn fat. Not fatness of Chris Christie proportions, but if he keeps up stuffing his face all the time, he will be. But it's kind of sad that someone in that bad of shape is denied disability. What exactly does the government consider disabled? Although.....

I said a few weeks ago that since ONTD allowed open membership, the comments have gotten better. I was wrong. That site has gotten even more annoying and racist than before.

Random Thoughts

Boy, I have felt nearly brain-dead the past week or so. It may have something to do with that time of the month, since that seems to turn my brain into a complete and utter war zone. I don't know. I am at the tail end of it right now. I was worried about it coming early, but it ended up coming Sunday at 31 days. Now I am already worried about spotting several days from now. And that it will come early. And now when the cramping is going to start up again. It never ends.

The only things I could find amongst the millions of pregnancy forums (for the love of God, I am not pregnant!) was the cramping could be due to a cyst, uterine fibroid, or endometriosis. My mother has had the first two, so it's possible. But some of the other things I have been experiencing make me wonder if I could possibly have endometriosis. But I guess I won't know unless I have a diagnostic test done. Which I can't have done until I have medical. Which I can't have until I have a job. Which I can't get until I feel like a normal functioning human being.

And please enlighten me, Mr. President, how I will pay for medical when it is required for everyone to have it or pay a fine. Because I am not going to qualify for Medicaid even though as of now, I have no income. I fully support healthcare overhaul, but I do NOT support making it mandatory for everyone to have it.

All has been fairly silent on the Addison's fear end, but it crept back in earlier. I need to start marking down when it appears and when it goes silent, to see if there is some kind of pattern.

I have been feeling exhausted and very depressed. I was putting dishes away earlier and I had a knife in my hand and all I could think was, go on, do it, and don't forget- down the road, not across the street. It was disturbing. I just threw the knife in the drawer and left the kitchen.

I feel like I have demons in my head. I swear one of the first things I do when I get medical is demand vitamin tests and an MRI of my head. This is more than mental illness. Something physically is not right within my body and I think that is what is sending me into such a turmoil. But everyone will just continue to brush me off. Just like they did in eighth grade when I said was depressed and felt suicidal and nobody listened to me and it was another 2+ years before somebody finally realized that maybe, just maybe, this was NOT just  teenage angst.

This June will be eleven years since I graduated high school. If at my high school graduation, somebody told me that eleven years from now I would be an unemployed, indecisive, suicidal, extremely sociophobic virgin with no self-esteem and hasn't finished college yet, I would have laughed at them. No, life was going to be better once I was away from all of those assholes! I totally would never have seen this future. And if I had, I probably would have committed suicide. It's not like I didn't feel like doing that the entire span of my senior year. Come to think of it, I spent most, if not all, of my entire high school years wanting to commit suicide. Oh, what the hell- I can't recall one time in the past sixteen years where I haven't wanted to kill myself.

And if I do not get a decent night's sleep soon, I am going to scream. Tuesday night was the first time in a long time I had a semi-decent night's sleep. Took me forever to fall asleep, and then there was the expected 5AM-6AM bladder call, since I have apparently become completely incapable of sleeping an entire night without getting up to pee, but then I fell back asleep and slept until 10:45AM. Any other time it would be an 8AM wake-up and unable to fall back asleep for at least an hour. I don't look forward to a lot of things, but sleeping is usually something I do look forward to because it temporarily shuts down the nastiness lurking in my brain. Now I even dread going to sleep. All I want to do is go to sleep one night and sleep until the time I normally get out of bed.