OH HELL NO

GODDAMIT 2020, ENOUGH!

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Has Died At 87

Random Thoughts

Wow, I can't believe it's already been 8 years since I went to Musikfest and saw my boys. If I was allowed to choose a moment in life to relive, that would certainly be one of my top choices. Seeing them at the Electric Factory was pretty cool too, but it doesn't compare in any way to seeing them at Musikfest. For one, it was my first time seeing them live. And there was just something about the atmosphere up in Bethlehem and watching the concert with the Steel Stacks lit up behind at night....it was just so cool.

I've been putting off talking about it, but here goes....almost 3 Sundays ago, my beloved furry niece crossed the rainbow bridge. With her having various ailments, we all know it was inevitable. But that doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. I can't stand not seeing her furry little bearded face anymore.

Almost everyone in work said something to me about losing her in some way or another....my FWA not being one of those people. No comment on Facebook, no remark in person, nothing at all. Kind of makes me want to ask her the next time she starts talking to me about her daughter why I really should give two flying fucks about her daughter when she couldn't even give a fuck to say something to me about losing someone who she's well aware was very important to me? And no, it's NEVER just a dog to me.

I never though it was possible for me to dislike people more. Then Covid 19 happened.

Random Thoughts

Wow, I didn't realized how long it had been since I last posted. Not like there is anything exciting to report anyway. I have felt like crap. I'm just getting over my period and having the increased anxiety, nausea, and heart racing that has been coming on at the end lately. Because I didn't already have enough anxiety, nausea, and heart racing the whole week before and during.

We've had a stray cat with kittens running around our neighborhood for about a month. The first weekend of May I had seen an adorable baby bunny in our yard in front of our shed, about the size of a softball. Later on that night, I saw the cat skulking around our shed. We never saw the baby bunny again after that.

This past Monday when I woke up, I felt incredibly nauseous and on edge (from hormones; my period came the next day) and when I was heading out to my car to leave, the mother cat was standing out in the street, watching me with this shady look on her face. So I kept staring at her and then looked under my car to make sure the kittens weren't under my car. Nothing was under there, so I started my car and headed to the back to take out some recycling, all while she kept her eye on me. When I got in front of my mom's car, I saw why she was watching me- there was a gutted rabbit next to my mom's car. I was horrified. I was already nauseous as it was and when I saw that, I had to do everything in my power to not throw up.

On Wednesday, I took a chart to do and apparently at some point the person had passed away and our doctor wanted the autopsy report. And that was what was in the chart. And I read the report. Why? I don't know why. Just morbid curiosity, I guess. I felt sick afterwards, though.

Then on Thursday, my boss left work unexpectedly in the morning after receiving a call that she needed to come home. We got a call at work a little while later that her oldest son had passed away. My boss drives me up the fucking wall, but JFC she didn't deserve something like that.

I told the girls in work that I would keep an eye out in the newspaper for his death notice (since apparently I am the only one in the office who reads the newspaper) and when I was checking it today, I got to the second page and there was an obituary that no lie took up half the page. And then I looked at the name and gasped- it was a kid I had been in marching band with. He had graduated the year before me, so I was only in band with him for one year. But damn, he was intelligent and talented as hell and a really nice guy. Oh, and I had a massive crush on him after seeing him without a shirt on for the first time (he was one of those guys whose body looked nothing special with clothes on but take them off.....humina humina)

This is the THIRD guy I have had a crush on who has passed away. And not just passed away, but passed away tragically (the first was killed in a motorcycle accident, the second was murdered, and this one fell off a fucking cliff). It's starting to give me a bit of a complex.

We celebrated my mom's birthday yesterday. And of course my father had to start his shit days before it. My mom is beyond furious with him. The day before she was crying and saying she didn't even want to go to dinner. She was upset the next day and kept breaking down in tears throughout the day. We did end up going to dinner (minus my father) and then coming back and having cake. Aside from all of the drama, it turned out nice.

I swear, if I ever won the lottery, the first thing I would do is buy my mother her own house.

I am not looking forward to having my crown replaced tomorrow. I have myself an absolute wreck already over whether it's going to be painful or not. How sensitive my tooth underneath will be. Ugh.

Ugh

Lisa Robin Kelly Has Died

Aw, I loved her on That 70's Show. Her character was one of the best parts of the show. The faces and snide comments she made were priceless. And then to die while in the midst of getting clean is just ridiculously horrible. These deaths the past 2 days are depressing. I loathe any of the Bachelor or Bachelorette shows, but the suspected suicide of that former Bachelor contestant made me sad.

On another note, I wish someone on ONTD would stop saying that Pretty Little Liars needs more Shay (Mitchell, aka Emily). Every fucking post. Dear God no! If she learns to act, then I will say maybe. Otherwise, hell no. I was so annoyed with her the last episode I watched. In addition to her terrible acting, her girlfriend, Paige, throws her this nice surprise party and Emily breaks up with her there. Now maybe Paige is part of A, I don't know. But Lindsey Shaw will always be Moze to me. Man, I miss that ridiculous show. I also have to say, I was extremely disappointed that Jenna didn't die. I thought for sure that bitch was a goner, but no such luck. Shana needs to GTFO also.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

RIP: Knut the Polar Bear - The Daily What

NOOOOOO! NOT KNUT! *falls on floor and cries*

The WTF Of The Day

COLD CASE: Video not enough to solve '08 killing of S.J. man | Courier-Post | courierpostonline.com

Damn. I had a huge, and I mean HUGE, crush on this kid in middle school. I mean to the point where I actually- okay I am very embarrassed to admit to this- had people drive me by his house a couple of time (What? I just wanted to see what his house was like!). He kind of disappeared after middle school and I always wondered what happened to him. And his friend mentioned in the story? Crush on him, too. He was in my eighth grade math class. Sat in front of me. I got the chills when I read this story. How horrible. He sounded like he turned out to be pretty good, considering he was such a rebellious asshole in middle school. I got them even worse when I realized a friend of his in middle school, Ryan, I had a huge crush on him as well in seventh grade and he died a few years ago in like a motorcycle accident or something. What the hell?

Random Thoughts

First....Happy Turkey Day!

Right now I am going to talk about my dog, as seen to the left. Yes, she does have a political Democrat donkey toy. Yes, I bought it for her. She is actually my sister's dog, but we all consider her as the pet family. Her name is Sammie and she just turned 5 on November 7th. Don't let the adorable face fool you. She is a devil and a half. I gave her a bath earlier and right in the middle of sudsing her entire body, she decides she is going to jump out of the tub and shake all over the place. I had to chase her all over my bathroom, which is not big by any means. She's just sneaky like that.

It was a week ago, but I never got around to talking about my cousin's funeral. Not that there is much exciting to talk about. I never cry at funerals. I think the last time I cried at one was back in elementary school when my Pop Pop Al died. I haven't cried at any since then. I just don't find death to be such a bad thing. Now, of course, I did not cry at this funeral either, but when I got home, I certainly did. Suicide is sad. It really is. Knowing that someone else out there that I knew personally was feeling similar to how I have felt many times, but actually went through with it....it's depressing. And people can stand there and say "oh well maybe he should have got help" or "maybe he shouldn't have been so selfish". He did get help. He was on medication. People do not seem to grasp how antidepressants probably never really help people who pretty severely depressed. Also, not many people seem to realize that antidepressants can INCREASE the risk of suicide. I can vouch for that from when I took Wellbutrin. I am not even going to bother commenting on the second one. I can talk until I am blue in the face and some asshole will stand around and complain about the selfishness of suicide.

And if you have ever heard of the fun of going off of Effexor, I can vouch for that as well. It is pure hell. The first time I went off of it, I did it smartly- weaned off little by little. I still got sick to my stomach, dizzy, and felt like I was being electrocuted in my head every time I moved my head or eyes. The second time, I did it stupidly. I dropped from 75 mg to nothing. I had no money to go to the doctors and get a prescription, so I figured I'd ride out the withdrawal. How, to this day, I did it is beyond me. I felt like hell. I was sick to my stomach and dizzy. I had violent mood swings. Every time I drove to work or school, I wanted to floor my car into a tree or railguard or whatever strong structure was close by. Every time I moved my head, my whole body felt like it was being electrocuted. I had internal chills and would put something on to warm up and in no time, I was soaked. I had migraines. I really believe I could have seriously hurt someone if I was pushed enough. I honestly advise anyone to stay as far, far away from this drug as humanly possible. I STILL get the brain zaps to this day and I truly believe I have not been the same since quitting it.

Anyway, back to the funeral, when the actual cemetary part came, someone brought a radio to play songs and wouldn't you know the first song they played was "Dust In The Wind"? I wanted to bust up laughing, because the first thing that came to mind was Will Ferrell singing it at Blue's funeral in Old School and then screaming "you're my boy, Blue!".

The minute I step into a church, every funny thing possible floods my head. I think of the episode of The Simpsons when Bart photo-copies his ass and then places the copies in all of the church books. I think of the episode of Family Guy when Stewie dresses up as a devil and tries to scare someone in church. I think of the time I went to a funeral and my father fell asleep in the church and started to moan loudly (just for the record, he did fall asleep at my cousin's as well; just no moaning).

Hey. No one said I was normal. I mean, this is the same person who has "My Shiny Teeth and Me" by Chip Skylark (from The Fairly Oddparents) on her iPod.

Vent.....

I make attempts whenever I start a blog to not spiral down into negativity too much, but something always ends up leading to it. Having PMS is not particularly helpful.

In addition to that, the weather has not exactly been wonderful. It's been cold and raining and it's making me miserable. I am tired beyond belief, despite the fact that I sleep over 8 hours. I don't want to be around anyone. Every time somone talks to me, I want to scream at them to leave me the hell alone. I don't want to be nasty and I certainly don't enjoy it.

My mother does nothing but give the guilt trip and it infuriates me. I can't figure out if it infuriates me because of what she does or that I allow it to make me feel guilty. She complains that she is always alone, so I go out and watch TV with her and then all she does is talk my ear off why I am trying to listen to something or complains about what I am watching. I don't know how many times I have made it clear to hear to her that I don't want to her about the Casey Anthony story and yet she STILL insists on talking about it.

I am miserable because I am sick of being out of work, but I am terrified to go back. I am sick of being turned down for jobs. Even Target won't hire me. I have four years of retail experience and instead, they hire snot-nosed teenagers with their entire faces pierced over me. All because I couldn't answer the questions in their absurd interview. It's a sales associate position, not a job on fucking Wall Street. A monkey could do the job. I am a damn good worker and I am not just saying that. People who have worked with me can vouch for it. Shit, I worked at KB Toys a few years ago and most of the employees were men and I could get stock out and priced at a faster rate than if all of them worked together doing the same job.

I don't know what to do with my life. I have panic attacks at the thought of going back to school, but I want a career. Part of the reason is I am lazy and the other part is I don't mind working for a career; I just don't want to spend so much time doing it. I want to work my ass off as quick as possible and get it as quick as possible. I don't quite understand how someone can be so smart and yet not be college material. I truly believe I am not college material.

The other night I was lying in bed and I thought back to 2006 and I thought of the first night I was in the hospital and my chest tightened and I started to hyperventilate. Is it possible to have post-traumatic stress disorder from staying in a psychiatric facility? I wouldn't initially think so, but I do believe there is something. It seems like a ridiculous thing to be traumatized, but you would have to know how I was raised to understand why I would be so traumatized by this. I hear certain songs or am in certain situations or see a particular show on that I watched at the time and get sick to my stomach. I just want to take October 2005 to the present and erase it completely from my mind. I will never be able to fully recover until I can finally put this behind me.

The way they treat you in these facilities is degrading. To have to sit there and be talked down to like you are fucking 5 years-old or mentally retarded when you probably have a higher IQ than all of the mental health techs put together is extremely demeaning. To have to go into a room with someone you don't even know and strip down to your underwear is demeaning. Yes, I understand a suicidal patient could sneak in a weapon, but my "suicidal weapon" was carbon monoxide poisoning by stuffing the pipe of my car. Is a car something you can sneak into a psychiatric facility? Where would I put it? In my fucking vagina?

Psychiatric workers often talk of the dangers of working in a psychiatric facility. I saw fights brew between patients and workers and do you know why the patient went after the worker? The worker kept on provoking the patient. There was one patient who had manic depression with violent tendencies that was constantly provoked by one of the mental health technicians. Why on God's good earth would you provoke someone with a severe mental illness, especially a patient with a history of acting violently? Are you stupid or something?

A cousin of mine has been missing for the past few days and was found dead yesterday, by suicide. He attempted suicide about 2 months ago and I guess he was not one of those lucky ones who attempts it and realizes what they have in life. And as usual, the bullshit always starts up about how "selfish" he was and what in life could have been so bad that he had to end his life.

People do not understand a suicidal mind. It's something that could never be understood until it's actually experienced. It's a horrible feeling to feel like your mind is stuck in a big black pit of tar of hopelessness and to be consumed with thoughts of wanting to be dead and that you just can't deal with life anymore and you feel so low and insignificant and that you'll never be good enough for anyone or anything and that all you want out of life is one goddamn thing and it is never going to come to you and that you are too much of a problem for everyone in your life and that they would be better off without you there because you generally just cause everyone heartache with your actions anyway. It's even worse when, other than the explanation that you have been diagnosed with depression....you just don't why you feel so horrible.

Frankly, I hate both, but when it comes to choosing between the periods of absolute lowness and the periods of constant, unrelenting anger, I prefer the latter. At least that gives me some drive and doesn't leave me lying in my bed and unable to get up.

Veteran's Day

My family is not something I would call a big military family. My grandfather served in the army and in WW2 and a handful of relatives were drafted to Vietnam. I briefly in life considered it, but the military would take one look at my medical records, look at me, look back at the papers, and then laugh hysterically. I could never make it- mentally, that is- in the military.

My uncle Joey, my mother's brother, was one of those drafted to Vietnam. He was killed on May 1st, 1968 in a freak electrocution accident.

Obviously, since I didn't come along until 1983, I never got to meet my uncle. I wish I did, though. There have been a couple times I have dreamt of him. One time back when I was at one of my lowest points, I dreamt I met him and he told me everything is going to be okay. I can't say that it ever occured, but it still was nice to dream something like that.

The sad thing is, besides the death, is how my grandparents handled it. Look, I can imagine losing a child is very difficult, especially in such a ridiculous way (fighting a war that we had no business being in), but I can't see why 40 years later, my grandparents still grieve so badly over it. Especially since when he died, they had a 7 year old daughter (my aunt).

A salute to all of the men and women who have served this country, living and not living.

Remembering....

I mentioned before that a friend of mine died in a car accident back in May. Amy was a friend who I met in seventh grade in woodshop and somehow, despite the fact that she drove me up the fucking wall, I managed to stay friends with her.

Seventh grade, I was always over her house and we would prank call kids from school (and one time, we prank- called a teacher and boy, did I get in trouble for that) or we used to go to the mall constantly (and raided Woolworth's quite a bit as well; man, I miss that store). I enjoyed hanging out with her, but she used to try to copy a lot of things I did and I, in a mixture of not wanting to copied and not understanding why someone would want to copy me, would get annoyed.

The same things continued right through high school. And then senior year, she became really buddy-buddy with this girl Jamie that we were friends with. And that is when she started partying and drinking. I started to regret ever complaining about how she acted before. Despite being friends with both of them, I was never invited to any of their jiggery pokery and while I never would have partaked in shit like that (please; I was and still am too much of a goody two shoes), I still was insulted that no one ever asked me.

After high school, the same behavior continued, worsening and spreading to sleeping around and occasional drug use. I was disgusted with her new behavior, but I still stayed friends with her. She kind of mellowed out in 2007, although, at the risk of sounding a bit elite, she still stayed friends with a lot of losers. The ones who got her into the crappy behavior.

Fast forward to May 6,2008. I was having a good day. A good week, in fact. I don't recall what was so good about the week off of the top of my head, but I do recall May 6 being a good day. Simply because in the quest to own all of Deee-Lite's CDs, I went to Tunes record store to pick up a used copy of World Clique that I had seen when I was in there before looking for Infinity Within and not only did they still have the copy of WC, they also had Dewdrops in the Garden (when you have no life, simple things tend to make your day). Got both for $7.00.

Now, the odd thing is, that day I thought of my friend a lot. I was at the doctor's office with my mom and was reading a Rolling Stone and there was an article about The Hills and I briefed over it and thought, the next time I talk to her, I have to ask her how can she watch such atrocious shit. Then while I was out for a walk, I ran into a man walking his Golden Retriever named Maddie (my friend had a Golden Retriever named Molly that died a few years ago). Then while going through the channels, Panic At The Disco was on and I thought, as well as The Hills, I have to ask her how can listen to such atrocious shit. And then later on, the episode of Family Guy "Viewer Mail 1" was on. Due to a comment I had made that I had referenced to that episode, I had been hounding her to watch it, so when I saw it on, I thought, I should really call her and tell her it's on.

Twenty minutes after thinking that, I come onto Myspace, find I have a new friend request, find it is from a friend of hers, and in the message attachment it tells me that she was killed in a car accident. I thought maybe it was just a really wicked phishing scam, but I went over to Yahoo, did some searching, and found an article stating that it was really her that was killed.

The odd thing is, not long after petting that dog, I continued on my walk and thought, you know, an awful lot of good has been happening with me; something bad is going to happen soon. I thought it was just typical paranoia and brushed it off. Also, it is probably not appropriate behavior (but then again, when do I ever do so?), I am still angry that I was one of the last people to find out. This was someone I knew for 12 years and if it were not for stupid Myspace, I might have never have found out. And if you really want to know what a horrible person I can be, I heard about an accident on Monday and when the news broke in (with no mention of any casualties at the time) with it, I said "oh, look, another stupid New Jerseyan not driving properly and causing a wreck". I mean, really- who would have thought that the "stupid New Jerseyan" was a friend of mine?