I used to always watch Spongebob in the morning before I left for work. Then a couple weeks ago, Nick started playing The Fairly Oddparents at 7 and Spongebob at 7:30. This week they decided to stop playing both. So I had to find something new to watch. And what did I find on Monday? The Three Stooges. I was ecstatic. And during the commercial break, a commercial for Cadillac came on and I could not put my finger on what song was playing. I kept running the lyrics over and over in my head and then it finally clicked- it was some dancey version of "Gold" by Sir Sly.
I don't listen to that song nearly enough.
I was hoping that once my period came on and then ended that the fear of premature menopause would go on the back burner. Not the case. My anxiety levels are through the fucking roof over it. I have been feeling uncomfortable down below and having some bladder pressure off and on through the day and all I can think is it's atrophic vaginitis. Every time I am hot- hot flashes (although today my anxiety was so bad I was so cold I was almost shaking). Feeling depressed, anxious, irritable, having mood swings, dry eyes, acne, bloating, insomnia- all signs. I dread going to bed every night that I am not going to sleep. I am also beyond exhausted from the stress. Emotionally I just can't even fucking take it anymore. I don't know how my body is physically taking it. I was so worried about my adrenal glands for the longest time; I am surprised they haven't exploded from all of the stress I put on them from stressing out so much.
And not having anything to check is stressing me out even more. Every so often I pull the mirror down off of the wall to take a look down below, but I don't even have any idea what to look for. Or sometimes I might feel around for any dryness (don't know if you can actually feel that or not). I am half tempted to buy an ovulation test to see if I am ovulating around the time I generally see signs of it. I am so anxious that I am going to start bleeding any day or that my period won't come when it's supposed to. Or what is going to be in store for my next round of PMS. And I am so desperate to get an answer and I don't know where to go to get that answer because as usual, it can never be something that is easily diagnosed or ruled out.
Showing posts with label The Three Stooges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Three Stooges. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Sunday, September 9, 2012
The WTF Of The Day
10 Of The Most Ridiculous Parenting Products Ever Made
That Peekaru thing....why?
Do you know what should be on this list? These. It's unhealthy how much I hate those things. They are the most riduculous things I have ever seen. I went to Chili's for dinner and some couple walks in with their baby girl and she had one of those abominations on and I swear the flower was about twice the size of the baby's head. It was ridiculous looking.
Ugh. I don't care how much of an uppity bitch it makes me sound, but when I read through parenting magazines and parenting forums, I am more and more glad I am never going to be a mother. Women are ridiculous when they become mothers. Especially those ones who are all life isn't complete without a baby blah blah blah. Bullshit. If I had a baby right now, it would ruin my life. Well, more than I have already ruined it. I would love it, of course, but to be frank, I would never be able to love a child the way it should be loved.
And the argument of who will take care of you when you are old always slays me. Yeah, because having a child always guarantees someone will be there to take care of you when you are old and annoying. Give me a break. Besides, I intend on offing myself at 50 years old anyway, although the idea of doing it at a younger age appeals to me more and more.
On another note, Antenna TV has rolled the Three Stooges back to 1:00AM. I am so full of joy!
That Peekaru thing....why?
Do you know what should be on this list? These. It's unhealthy how much I hate those things. They are the most riduculous things I have ever seen. I went to Chili's for dinner and some couple walks in with their baby girl and she had one of those abominations on and I swear the flower was about twice the size of the baby's head. It was ridiculous looking.
Ugh. I don't care how much of an uppity bitch it makes me sound, but when I read through parenting magazines and parenting forums, I am more and more glad I am never going to be a mother. Women are ridiculous when they become mothers. Especially those ones who are all life isn't complete without a baby blah blah blah. Bullshit. If I had a baby right now, it would ruin my life. Well, more than I have already ruined it. I would love it, of course, but to be frank, I would never be able to love a child the way it should be loved.
And the argument of who will take care of you when you are old always slays me. Yeah, because having a child always guarantees someone will be there to take care of you when you are old and annoying. Give me a break. Besides, I intend on offing myself at 50 years old anyway, although the idea of doing it at a younger age appeals to me more and more.
On another note, Antenna TV has rolled the Three Stooges back to 1:00AM. I am so full of joy!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Random Thoughts
Every time I go through the TV stations to find something to watch, I come across some new reality show that I never heard of and I really have to wonder who actually watches these shows that they continue to come back. Texas Women? The Amandas? Southern Nights? Big Rich Texas? All of Vh-1's? Who are these idiotic nobodies? Who the fuck watches this shit?
The Simpsons were not on the other night so I was going through the channels and Wife Swap was on and it was some loud mouth Jersey Shore-like fat bitch from NJ. I just put shook my head and then put it in my hands. She was such a NJ stereotype- big hair, fake nails, fake tan, atrocious accent. And loud! I wanted to punch the TV screen because it annoyed me so much. And her daughter was 12 years-old and posting sexual pictures of herself in bikinis on the internet. And the way she spoke to her parents! My God, if I spoke to my mother like that, she would have put me through the wall. That family was the epitome of money can't buy class.
I am no Mensa, but stupid people really annoy me. Especially around that time of the month. My mother and I come home from running to some stores earlier and I am in the midst of changing my clothes in my bedroom and my father decides to come to the doorway and ask what we did. My shirt is half off and he still stands there. I felt like screaming "are you fucking stupid? I am changing here!". I swear to God something is really fucked up in his brain.
Back before I lost my job, my mother and I were actually planning on moving out. I know my mother really has nowhere to go, so I figured what the hell. But now I am at the point that if I do not get out on my own, I am going to absolutely lose my mind. I can't stand it anymore. And yet I feel horribly guilty about it, especially when she makes comments about how my sister would never take her in. Then I feel even worse. And like I really have no option. And at 28 years-old, I shouldn't have to feel guilty about wanting to go off on my own. But unfortunately I do.
And being someone who is easily guilt-tripped just makes everything worse. And sometimes I think people know that it is very easy to make me feel guilty, so they take advantage of it. This is why I never want to make decisions when it comes to deciding on night plans or where to eat or whatever. Every single time I make a decision on where to eat, something goes wrong and then I have to feel guilty about it. Well, I don't HAVE to, but I allow myself to.
Anymore, one thought keeps running through my head- are some people just not fixable? Are there people in the world that no matter what is done for them, they just cannot be fixed? Look at drug addicts. Some people can go through treatment and stay off drugs forever. Others keep relapsing. Sure, maybe some people just don't work as hard as others, but are there just some people that will never be able to get off drugs no matter how hard they try? Are they just not fixable? What if I am not fixable? At the rate I am going, I certainly feel like I am. There is just too much to fix. And so then I do the worst possible thing- I get so overwhelmed, I shut down completely. And start to feel really suicidal (but never have a plan).
Mother of God, I just discovered that AMC is running an all night Stooge-athon.
The Simpsons were not on the other night so I was going through the channels and Wife Swap was on and it was some loud mouth Jersey Shore-like fat bitch from NJ. I just put shook my head and then put it in my hands. She was such a NJ stereotype- big hair, fake nails, fake tan, atrocious accent. And loud! I wanted to punch the TV screen because it annoyed me so much. And her daughter was 12 years-old and posting sexual pictures of herself in bikinis on the internet. And the way she spoke to her parents! My God, if I spoke to my mother like that, she would have put me through the wall. That family was the epitome of money can't buy class.
I am no Mensa, but stupid people really annoy me. Especially around that time of the month. My mother and I come home from running to some stores earlier and I am in the midst of changing my clothes in my bedroom and my father decides to come to the doorway and ask what we did. My shirt is half off and he still stands there. I felt like screaming "are you fucking stupid? I am changing here!". I swear to God something is really fucked up in his brain.
Back before I lost my job, my mother and I were actually planning on moving out. I know my mother really has nowhere to go, so I figured what the hell. But now I am at the point that if I do not get out on my own, I am going to absolutely lose my mind. I can't stand it anymore. And yet I feel horribly guilty about it, especially when she makes comments about how my sister would never take her in. Then I feel even worse. And like I really have no option. And at 28 years-old, I shouldn't have to feel guilty about wanting to go off on my own. But unfortunately I do.
And being someone who is easily guilt-tripped just makes everything worse. And sometimes I think people know that it is very easy to make me feel guilty, so they take advantage of it. This is why I never want to make decisions when it comes to deciding on night plans or where to eat or whatever. Every single time I make a decision on where to eat, something goes wrong and then I have to feel guilty about it. Well, I don't HAVE to, but I allow myself to.
Anymore, one thought keeps running through my head- are some people just not fixable? Are there people in the world that no matter what is done for them, they just cannot be fixed? Look at drug addicts. Some people can go through treatment and stay off drugs forever. Others keep relapsing. Sure, maybe some people just don't work as hard as others, but are there just some people that will never be able to get off drugs no matter how hard they try? Are they just not fixable? What if I am not fixable? At the rate I am going, I certainly feel like I am. There is just too much to fix. And so then I do the worst possible thing- I get so overwhelmed, I shut down completely. And start to feel really suicidal (but never have a plan).
Mother of God, I just discovered that AMC is running an all night Stooge-athon.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Video Of The Day
And first one of the new year! Who cares if it has already received VotD honors before?
You know what the funny thing is? I first heard the song on July 1 on the Music Choice Alternative channel. I listened to it in full when I came home from work and I hmmed and hawed about downloading it and finally said what the hell and downloaded it. The play count for it is up to 747 plays, not including times a complete play did not register, I accidentally hit the next button, the battery died on me, or I listened to it on a burned CD. It's probably much higher.
What's my point? I don't really know. Just that I hesitated on downloading it and it ultimately ended up being my favorite song, I guess. I'd say that $1.29 purchase was well worth it, eh? All of their songs I have purchased have been. I only own 5- because I have yet to listen to their other songs and the 2 others I do know but do not own I haven't chose to do so because 1) "Congratulations" still has not grown on me and 2) I heard their live version of "Brian Eno" from the 2010 Lollapalooza show (thank you On Demand) and I actually liked it a lot (and OMFG did Andrew look adorable at that show), so I am thinking at this point, I may as well just own their CDs, because I am sure I will like the rest of their songs too- and all 5 are in my Top 25 playlist. Oddly enough, "Kids" was the first song I knew and owned by them (downloaded it back in March) and it's the lowest on the list.
Now every time I look at the screen before I hit the play button, all I can hear is Butthead saying "uh is that a lesbian or a Mexican?" (yes, I did finally get to see the episode).
Okay, now it's back to the Three Stooges marathon currently playing on IFC. And fully looking forward to the all day marathon on Antenna TV later on. Happy New Year everyone!
ETA: My new year is already off to a great start! I just remembered I am now uninsured!
You know what the funny thing is? I first heard the song on July 1 on the Music Choice Alternative channel. I listened to it in full when I came home from work and I hmmed and hawed about downloading it and finally said what the hell and downloaded it. The play count for it is up to 747 plays, not including times a complete play did not register, I accidentally hit the next button, the battery died on me, or I listened to it on a burned CD. It's probably much higher.
What's my point? I don't really know. Just that I hesitated on downloading it and it ultimately ended up being my favorite song, I guess. I'd say that $1.29 purchase was well worth it, eh? All of their songs I have purchased have been. I only own 5- because I have yet to listen to their other songs and the 2 others I do know but do not own I haven't chose to do so because 1) "Congratulations" still has not grown on me and 2) I heard their live version of "Brian Eno" from the 2010 Lollapalooza show (thank you On Demand) and I actually liked it a lot (and OMFG did Andrew look adorable at that show), so I am thinking at this point, I may as well just own their CDs, because I am sure I will like the rest of their songs too- and all 5 are in my Top 25 playlist. Oddly enough, "Kids" was the first song I knew and owned by them (downloaded it back in March) and it's the lowest on the list.
Now every time I look at the screen before I hit the play button, all I can hear is Butthead saying "uh is that a lesbian or a Mexican?" (yes, I did finally get to see the episode).
Okay, now it's back to the Three Stooges marathon currently playing on IFC. And fully looking forward to the all day marathon on Antenna TV later on. Happy New Year everyone!
ETA: My new year is already off to a great start! I just remembered I am now uninsured!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
An Angry Letter To Antenna TV
Dear Antenna TV:
WHERE WAS MY MARATHON OF THE THE THREE STOOGES LAST NIGHT? And why am I not seeing it listed on this upcoming Friday as well? Where are my weekend Stoogeathons, dammit?!
They're not on anymore, are they? ARE THEY?!!!!!!!!!!!! *falls on floor and starts to cry*
Sincerely,
S- Cubed
WHERE WAS MY MARATHON OF THE THE THREE STOOGES LAST NIGHT? And why am I not seeing it listed on this upcoming Friday as well? Where are my weekend Stoogeathons, dammit?!
They're not on anymore, are they? ARE THEY?!!!!!!!!!!!! *falls on floor and starts to cry*
Sincerely,
S- Cubed
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Random Thoughts
As I said before, my bone scan was normal. No fracture or anything. It took a few days, but it finally started to sink in that maybe there really was not one. Don't think I still have totally given up on pressing different areas every so often. Eventually, it should hopefully go away.
The bitches at the imaging center apparently were not lying to me. My bone scan was $686. Luckily, I still have money in my insurance fund. I thought for sure that would have wiped it out, plus cost me money, since I would have still owed money on my deductible.
We had a patient in work today who reminded me of Curly. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
We got an email in work one day reminding us of the dress code and there was something about low cut shirts and my WA came back complaining and then opens up her sweatshirt and shows me her top. Her tits were hanging out in the middle pretty good. I felt like saying, bitch, are you for real? That top was completely inappropriate for work! But then again, most of the crap she wears is not exactly work appropriate. For one, she comes in with jean or khaki capris on all the time, all of which are several sizes too small for her. And the tops? Also too small. And she has a knack for wearing colored bras under white shirts. One day when I was kind of out of it, I had put a black bra on under a white top and when I realized it, I complained about my stupidity and she said something about having a red bra on under her white top and then said it wasn't a big deal. I wanted to say well maybe not to you it isn't, but I don't like to look like a fucking whore.
She said something today she hasn't said in a while- she had thought she was pregnant, her period was a few days late. I flat out ignored her. I just can't with these "pregnancy scares" anymore.
I am starting to feel very paranoid anymore whenever I am interacting with people and it's really bothering me. Every time I talk to people, I am feel like I am being patronized or they are only agreeing with me for the sake of agreeing with me or they are trying to see how stupid I am or they are trying to trick me into admitting to doing something. And on top of having a terrible attention span, I am also having a difficult time listening to people because I am so preoccupied with how they are preceiving me. I am getting to the point of not want to socialize at all.
It's been well over a month now and I still have seen no hide or hair of that guy. And it's depressing me to the point of actually filling with tears whenever I think about it or if I see one of those ugly ass Toyotas. Jesus I am pathetic. I even dreamt about him last night and in the dream, holy mother of God, was he cute. I am telling you right now- if I EVER look out and see it out there, I am going to do one of two things- 1) cry 2) let out a shriek like Dr. Zoidberg lets out in "Roswell That Ends Well" when the CIA or FBI or whatever detains him and leaves him food and he says something about wishing he had his wallet and they tell him the food is free.
The bitches at the imaging center apparently were not lying to me. My bone scan was $686. Luckily, I still have money in my insurance fund. I thought for sure that would have wiped it out, plus cost me money, since I would have still owed money on my deductible.
We had a patient in work today who reminded me of Curly. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
We got an email in work one day reminding us of the dress code and there was something about low cut shirts and my WA came back complaining and then opens up her sweatshirt and shows me her top. Her tits were hanging out in the middle pretty good. I felt like saying, bitch, are you for real? That top was completely inappropriate for work! But then again, most of the crap she wears is not exactly work appropriate. For one, she comes in with jean or khaki capris on all the time, all of which are several sizes too small for her. And the tops? Also too small. And she has a knack for wearing colored bras under white shirts. One day when I was kind of out of it, I had put a black bra on under a white top and when I realized it, I complained about my stupidity and she said something about having a red bra on under her white top and then said it wasn't a big deal. I wanted to say well maybe not to you it isn't, but I don't like to look like a fucking whore.
She said something today she hasn't said in a while- she had thought she was pregnant, her period was a few days late. I flat out ignored her. I just can't with these "pregnancy scares" anymore.
I am starting to feel very paranoid anymore whenever I am interacting with people and it's really bothering me. Every time I talk to people, I am feel like I am being patronized or they are only agreeing with me for the sake of agreeing with me or they are trying to see how stupid I am or they are trying to trick me into admitting to doing something. And on top of having a terrible attention span, I am also having a difficult time listening to people because I am so preoccupied with how they are preceiving me. I am getting to the point of not want to socialize at all.
It's been well over a month now and I still have seen no hide or hair of that guy. And it's depressing me to the point of actually filling with tears whenever I think about it or if I see one of those ugly ass Toyotas. Jesus I am pathetic. I even dreamt about him last night and in the dream, holy mother of God, was he cute. I am telling you right now- if I EVER look out and see it out there, I am going to do one of two things- 1) cry 2) let out a shriek like Dr. Zoidberg lets out in "Roswell That Ends Well" when the CIA or FBI or whatever detains him and leaves him food and he says something about wishing he had his wallet and they tell him the food is free.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Random Thoughts
It's Friday and I'm doing what I always do- having a date with Moe, Larry, and Curly; then a date with Moe, Larry, and Shemp; then the former again, then the latter, and so on for 3 hours.
I hate my life.
Actually, it is kind of okay tonight to just not do anything. I did get to go out last night. My sister and I went to dinner and then to see the Hangover 2, which I actually laughed a lot more at than I thought I would. But in the grand tradition of things, we got stuck with three girls sitting behind us who are of the genetically unable to STFU at the movies makeup. I wanted one of those monk sticks to hit them everytime they opened their obnoxious ass mouths. Laughing obnoxiously, making comments every 5 seconds, at one point one of the brats decided to take pictures of the monkey. I just don't understand what happened to manners. And god forbid you ask them to shut up. Then you get lip. I don't get that. If I was being a little heathen and someone asked me to stop, I did. I didn't talk back or tell anyone to fuck off or anything (but I certainly thought it).
I can't figure out why exactly it was so funny, but my sister and I were laughing so hard at the part when they played "The Downeaster Alexa" by Billy Joel.
So I have heard that there were reports of the Durrrsey Shur cast being replaced. Everything I have read on it conflicts with each other. They are, they aren't. I wouldn't put it past Moron TV to say that no, they are not being replaced and then at the end of the 5th season taping, they say that the show is no longer going to continue. After all, some of the cretins do have spin-offs, which I am curious to see how the viewership of those goes. Even as much as I fucking love the Sitch, I don't know if I would have any interest in watching a spin-off. Who would he create drama with?
Look at this picture of the stupid son of a bitch. Look at that face. I can literally see the wheels turning in his head as he thinks about what he can do to exacerbate the er, situation.
I never get spin-offs when it comes to reality shows. The shows generally end due to drop in viewership and viewer disinterest, so does anyone really give a shit about the people afterwards?
I am dying to see what happens with these people when their 15 minutes expire. I shouldn't give a shit, but I am dying to hear all of the dirty laundry that comes out when these cretins finally retreat back into anonymity. I won't be very surprised if their eye-rolling, vomiting inducing "family mentality" and love for each other is nothing more than a bunch of phooey. I am also pretty convinced at least one of them is going to find Jeebus sometime down the line.
I was talking about this with my WA today and one thing I am starting to notice is she is just like every other friend I have had- she has to agree with every single thing I say. Okay, maybe she does, I don't know, but when I have her agreeing with something I am saying, and then I recall a time before she said something completely different, then that is when I start to wonder. Like the first time I ever mentioned anything about the Sitch to her, she made a big stink about what a jerk he is and all that and now all of a sudden he is the person we all love, but love to hate (her words, not mine). I just snorted when I read that from her. I was going to call her out on it, but decided against it. It's incredibly annoying. I hate saying stuff and having people agree with me ALL OF THE TIME, especially when it seems like they really do not and are just doing it for the sake of agreeing with me. Or saying something to said person only to hear almost the same words come out of their mouths a few days later. I always seem to attract these people that easily are influenced by others and who try to be like other people. I'm like, people please! Don't try to be like me! I am not a person to mimic. It drives me up the freaking wall.
Oh yes, I had my foot x-rayed last Friday and everything was normal. So now I can go in two different directions- continue to be convinced that an x-ray isn't showing anything and to worry about it still or I can finally move onto the next thing to worry about. Whatever that will be.
Well, a week has went by since I seen that guy and no luck getting to see him this week. I am disappointed. I really do not know why I want to see him again so bad. But I do. And I feel like I will freaking lose my mind if I do not get to. I want to at least see what his face looked like!
I was sitting in work the other and as usual my mind started wandering and I was thinking about That Thing and I started to think about how much I keep from everyone I know. It's actually pretty sad. Things upset me day in and day out and all I do is bottle them up and never tell anyone. And even benign things, but things I still find I am too bashful to ever admit to, I keep bottled up inside of me. If something were to ever happen to me and anyone close to me was to read anything I have written in a journal, or god forbid the letter I wrote explaining That Thing, it makes me wonder if they would question if they ever really knew me at all? Half of the time I don't even feel like I know or understand anything about myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
It absolutely kills me to keep That Thing bottled up inside of me from my loved ones, especially my mom. People tell me I can tell them anything, they would never judge, etc but I just know that telling this will not receive a positive reaction. And I already am so ashamed of this. Finally getting the guts to admit it to someone and receive a negative reaction would devastate me.
I am about to go so far out of my comfort zone right now with this, but I am going to admit something that I am definitely not ashamed of by any means, but for some reason or another, I just find I have a hard time ever wanting to admit it to someone. I wouldn't say a fetish, but I have an attraction to disabled guys. More specifically, I am attracted to guys in wheelchairs.
And that guy I am dying to see again? Yes. Yes, he was.
I had planned a much longer post, but after admitting that....I kind of have nothing else to say.
I hate my life.
Actually, it is kind of okay tonight to just not do anything. I did get to go out last night. My sister and I went to dinner and then to see the Hangover 2, which I actually laughed a lot more at than I thought I would. But in the grand tradition of things, we got stuck with three girls sitting behind us who are of the genetically unable to STFU at the movies makeup. I wanted one of those monk sticks to hit them everytime they opened their obnoxious ass mouths. Laughing obnoxiously, making comments every 5 seconds, at one point one of the brats decided to take pictures of the monkey. I just don't understand what happened to manners. And god forbid you ask them to shut up. Then you get lip. I don't get that. If I was being a little heathen and someone asked me to stop, I did. I didn't talk back or tell anyone to fuck off or anything (but I certainly thought it).
I can't figure out why exactly it was so funny, but my sister and I were laughing so hard at the part when they played "The Downeaster Alexa" by Billy Joel.
So I have heard that there were reports of the Durrrsey Shur cast being replaced. Everything I have read on it conflicts with each other. They are, they aren't. I wouldn't put it past Moron TV to say that no, they are not being replaced and then at the end of the 5th season taping, they say that the show is no longer going to continue. After all, some of the cretins do have spin-offs, which I am curious to see how the viewership of those goes. Even as much as I fucking love the Sitch, I don't know if I would have any interest in watching a spin-off. Who would he create drama with?
Look at this picture of the stupid son of a bitch. Look at that face. I can literally see the wheels turning in his head as he thinks about what he can do to exacerbate the er, situation.
I never get spin-offs when it comes to reality shows. The shows generally end due to drop in viewership and viewer disinterest, so does anyone really give a shit about the people afterwards?
I am dying to see what happens with these people when their 15 minutes expire. I shouldn't give a shit, but I am dying to hear all of the dirty laundry that comes out when these cretins finally retreat back into anonymity. I won't be very surprised if their eye-rolling, vomiting inducing "family mentality" and love for each other is nothing more than a bunch of phooey. I am also pretty convinced at least one of them is going to find Jeebus sometime down the line.
I was talking about this with my WA today and one thing I am starting to notice is she is just like every other friend I have had- she has to agree with every single thing I say. Okay, maybe she does, I don't know, but when I have her agreeing with something I am saying, and then I recall a time before she said something completely different, then that is when I start to wonder. Like the first time I ever mentioned anything about the Sitch to her, she made a big stink about what a jerk he is and all that and now all of a sudden he is the person we all love, but love to hate (her words, not mine). I just snorted when I read that from her. I was going to call her out on it, but decided against it. It's incredibly annoying. I hate saying stuff and having people agree with me ALL OF THE TIME, especially when it seems like they really do not and are just doing it for the sake of agreeing with me. Or saying something to said person only to hear almost the same words come out of their mouths a few days later. I always seem to attract these people that easily are influenced by others and who try to be like other people. I'm like, people please! Don't try to be like me! I am not a person to mimic. It drives me up the freaking wall.
Oh yes, I had my foot x-rayed last Friday and everything was normal. So now I can go in two different directions- continue to be convinced that an x-ray isn't showing anything and to worry about it still or I can finally move onto the next thing to worry about. Whatever that will be.
Well, a week has went by since I seen that guy and no luck getting to see him this week. I am disappointed. I really do not know why I want to see him again so bad. But I do. And I feel like I will freaking lose my mind if I do not get to. I want to at least see what his face looked like!
I was sitting in work the other and as usual my mind started wandering and I was thinking about That Thing and I started to think about how much I keep from everyone I know. It's actually pretty sad. Things upset me day in and day out and all I do is bottle them up and never tell anyone. And even benign things, but things I still find I am too bashful to ever admit to, I keep bottled up inside of me. If something were to ever happen to me and anyone close to me was to read anything I have written in a journal, or god forbid the letter I wrote explaining That Thing, it makes me wonder if they would question if they ever really knew me at all? Half of the time I don't even feel like I know or understand anything about myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
It absolutely kills me to keep That Thing bottled up inside of me from my loved ones, especially my mom. People tell me I can tell them anything, they would never judge, etc but I just know that telling this will not receive a positive reaction. And I already am so ashamed of this. Finally getting the guts to admit it to someone and receive a negative reaction would devastate me.
I am about to go so far out of my comfort zone right now with this, but I am going to admit something that I am definitely not ashamed of by any means, but for some reason or another, I just find I have a hard time ever wanting to admit it to someone. I wouldn't say a fetish, but I have an attraction to disabled guys. More specifically, I am attracted to guys in wheelchairs.
And that guy I am dying to see again? Yes. Yes, he was.
I had planned a much longer post, but after admitting that....I kind of have nothing else to say.
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