Random Thoughts

I was just over on the Song Meanings website and "Royals" by Lorde was the number one song on the top lyrics list. I don't get the big deal with that song. I hear it almost every day I am in work (whenever I get to scan, I put my favorite radio station on; otherwise, I am subjected to the dreadful B-101) and I think it's really fucking annoying.

And speaking of really fucking annoying....this bloating. I feel like I can barely breathe. I would love to have an x-ray, CT scan, whatever done on my lower abdomen right now just to see how bad it looks on the inside. It's probably pretty obvious by now, but I do fully admit that I have a pathological obsession with my digestive system. If it does not work right, I want to go ballistic. I am convinced that doing things a certain way is what makes it work (for the most part, it does not always work) and if I do not get to do those things, I want to go ballistic.

Being back in work is disrupting that routine. I even tried to go back to the way I used to do things back when I worked (minus the same lunch every day) and it's still not helping. I feel like I am about to lose my goddamn mind over it. I am starting to believe I'd rather be unemployed and have my digestive system work than to be employed and have it not work.

And this extreme bloating could not have come at a worst time, when I am having really poor self-image issues. I was reading an article earlier about the obsession with thigh gaps. I can't say it is something I have ever strived for, but no matter what I weight, I always want thinner thighs. Thigh gaps are apparently big on thinspiration sites. I don't get those. Right now, all I keep thinking is, I want to be thinner. I feel so fat and disgusting right now I want to crawl under my bed and never come out. I don't even want to show myself in public. And I could not imagine ever encouraging someone else to feel the same way, to feel that no matter what they weigh, they could always be thinner. It's fucking sick to feel that way. I know even middle-aged people can have eating disorders, but I am much too old for this shit. Is there ever going to be a point in my life where I am going to finally be happy with myself? I feel like there never will be.

I also feel like there is never going to be a time where I have any confidence in what I do. I don't know what I am going to do when the day comes where my manager stops checking my work and leaves me to do it on my own. Then I will be sick with worry going into work every day that I am going to get in trouble for doing something wrong. And I know it will happen. Because nothing is ever good enough or done properly for anyone in that place.

And while my manager praises my work, frankly, I don't particularly trust her opinion. There have been several times where she is checking my work and tells me I need to include something and starts typing. And I have to interrupt her and point out that I already did put it in. Or I have to correct her on the patient's sex when she is typing something in. Or I have to correct her grammar. How I am supposed to trust her opinion? And if I have a question on something, I can go to three different people- my manager, my FWA, and someone who has been working there for well over a decade. And I will get a different answer from each and every one, although I can say right now that I will generally always trust the decade plus worker over the other two.

I also found out from my FWA that she is friends on Facebook with the racist bitch we used to work with. I don't understand why everyone is friends with her. Everyone hated her. Especially my FWA. Now all of a sudden everyone is cool with her? Ugh, I hate people. I really do.