Random Thoughts

For some unknown reason, I just listened to "Fireflies" by Owl City 4 times in a row. Last time I heard that song was when I was in a Wal-Fart in Myrtle Beach back in September. I still like it. Guilty as charged. I have no idea what it's about, but I think it's a cute song.

So I had no problem falling asleep last night. And then I had to wake up at 4:30 feeling hot. Then cold. Then hot again. Then cold. And so on. I never did fall back asleep, either, so I went into work with about 4 hours of sleep. I am exhausted. I could barely stay awake in work and I'd almost swear I half-dozed off a couple of times.

My mom's theory is always it's just the house, the temperature gets funny at night. Well, then why has it never been a problem before? Pretty sure last winter I was sleeping under 4 covers as opposed to the 3 I am sleeping under now. And I slept pretty well throughout December, except for one Sunday night I can recall and from Christmas morning on.

I am already getting nervous about going to bed. I don't know if this is going to keep up until my period decides to come (if it comes, although with as cranky as I have been lately I am thinking it should hopefully be soon) or if it's going to continue on afterwards. I'll lose my fucking mind if it keeps up. I just want a good night's sleep!

Random Thoughts

It was so nice to have some nice weather on Saturday! Well, Friday was warmer but 1) I was in work and 2) it rained. We were also under a tornado watch. I almost had a heart attack when I saw that. But it as nice and sunny on Saturday. Of course, that brought all of the cretins out of the woodwork and every where was packed to the gills. All we did was go to the bank, two different Wal-Farts, a Boscov's, and Red Robin for dinner. I love Red Robin. I am usually not a big fan of steak fries, but damn do I love theirs. And because I am always watching my girlish figure, I always have to resist taking advantage of the bottomless fries.

Later on, I trekked to DQ to try the red velvet Blizzard. It was good! It just could have used some more cake pieces and cream cheese frosting. But it was not nearly as sweet as I thought it would be, though. I'm already impatient to see what it's in store for March's.

When I was eating my lunch while I was out, the left side of my jaw kept clicking. It was driving me nuts. Not to mention, I woke up with a cold or allergies or something (yet to be determined) on Friday morning and my ears are terribly clogged so they, too, were clicking and popping the whole time I was eating. And I know I was not chewing properly because I am still terrified of biting down and feeling pain so I ended up with a headache after I finished eating. In addition to major sinus pressure and burning. I was not a happy camper.

This obsession with worrying about developing an abscess is going to drive me up the wall. It's nice to have a break from my other health worries, but I want no health worries, dammit! I don't even want to eat or drink because I am so afraid of having sensitivity or feeling pain or whatever. I am constantly checking my gums in the mirror or poking at them or tapping on my teeth. I haven't had much, if any sensitivity, since I was at the dentist, but I am still not letting my guard down.

I finally purchased a mouth guard. Not sure how good it will work, though.

So like I said, I finally saw my commercial on Friday! I swear, it always comes on when I least expect it. I always watch Spongebob before I go to work and have never seen it. Unless it plays at that particular time, in which I always have the Local on the 8's on and miss it. Or it was just a fluke. Guess I'll find out this week. Or it will be another couple weeks before I see it again. I saw two other commercials for the same company during Food Factory on Thursday and Saturday night, but not that particular one. On Friday night, I decided Nick at Night may be a good spot to see it, but alas I only saw the same two commercials as during Food Factory.

Also, I think I really need to quit ONTD minus the MGMT articles. It's a shame, because it can be a really nice community, but more often than not, I am finding it to not be.

Random Thoughts

I have been having the absolute worst insomnia the past few days. I have no idea if it has anything to do with my impending period (I hope), but it's annoying no matter what is causing it. Every morning around 6AM, I wake up. And cannot fall back asleep until after 9AM or so. And without fail, my brain takes advantage of the situation and proceeds to run through every single damn thing I have done wrong in my life and mentally berate me. And then I get very agitated. I have also been having some pretty strange dreams.

So I finally decided to order the medium t-shirt and send back the other one. I am pretty pissed at how much money I am going to lose out of this. Really, really annoyed. I wish I would have thought to just order both sizes at the same time and save myself $4 in shipping. Dammit, I am such an idiot. I took a shitty picture in the mirror of myself in shirt:

What say you? A little too big? And yes, I am half in my pajamas. I'm not that big of a slob. Also, I hate "camera in the mirror" pictures, but it was the only way I could get a picture.

Speaking of dreams and this shirt, I had a dream one night that I went to Kohl's and they sold the shirt and it was on sale that day for $0.10....if you could identify a song in some store contest. I figured what the hell I know most of their songs.....yet I couldn't identify it when the employees played it for me. I was horrified- in the dream and when I woke up. I am pretty sure the song in the contest was "Song for Dan Treacy". Why I did not know that in the dream is unacceptable!

I was at Wal-Fart a couple weeks ago and I needed to pick up face wash. I have been using the Oxy sensitive skin with 5% benzoyl peroxide for a little over a year and while it's no miracle worker, it has kept my face somewhat clearer. Well, apparently Oxy no longer makes it. And 10% benzoyl peroxide is just too strong. I figured I'd give Acnefree facial cleanser a try, but not really seeing any difference. Not to mention benzoyl peroxide is a real pain in the ass because no matter how much you try to make sure you rinse every bit of it off, it still bleaches everything!

Bored Anal Retentive Bitch Problems

Now I know there are many annoying things to come across on Facebook (vaguebooking, boring inane status updates, political status updates, TMI status updates, the repeated improper usage of "your" vs "you're"; well, that last one exists in pretty much every corner of the internet, but I notice it more on Facebook), but another one that is starting to really annoy me is the constant competition I see within comments. Thanks to STFU Parents, I was aware of constant competition and "mommyjacking" and how this person's brat is better than that or this mommy is more tired than that mommy or you don't tired until you are a mommy WAH and all that in comments.

But I never realized until recently that it exists outside the world of ridiculous obsessive parenting status updates. It seems like every single status a friend makes, it seems someone has to compete with them in some form or another. Why? I don't get it. One day my sister posted a status about how much crap she has to pack to move and someone leaves a comment with something like oh try moving three people WAH! Does it really matter? Why does it have to be a competition?

On another note, I went to Wal-Fart earlier and there was a guy in the parking lot who looked exactly like Ben. You know, the other guy besides Andrew (hey, look, his birfday is six days before mine. And Andrew's middle name is Wells. Why do I find that so funny?). Globviously I wouldn't expect to see someone like him in a Wal-Fart parking lot, but the resemblance was so uncanny, I had to do a quadruple take to make sure it wasn't really him.

Do It! Do It Now!

The Great Bonnaroo Bracket - Radio 104.5

As if I have to tell you what to do here.

I went through the gallery of pictures and it's not often I will actually say "Andrew, what the FUCK are you wearing", because generally I just brush off whatever he is wearing, but this made me say it. And it pains me to say anything negative about him, but it's also one of those pictures where I wonder if people are on to something when they make remarks about his hygiene, because frankly, he looks like he may stink to high heaven. The outfit itself is fine; I mean, I am about to run to Wal-Fart in a few minutes and I have basically the same outfit on (dear God, I hope I don't end up on People of Wal-Mart, although compared to what I usually see at Wal-Fart, I will look like a supermodel), except mine does not look like it smells, my t-shirt is blue, and my pants have Homer Simpson on them. But then you look at Ben, all nice in a suit and tie, not to mention it looks like they are at an awards show, and it's like what in the hell. It looks like Ben was walking along and decided to pick up some random homeless person off the streets.

ETA 5/21: Ixnay on the voting. They were voted out.

I'm kind of surprised at this. I'm not a fan, but I do like some of Florence & the Machine's music and I think Florence is very talented, although she does seem to have a bit of a booze issue. But beating out MGMT? Especially by such a large percentage? Just kind of blows my mind.

Random Thoughts

I decided to run up to Wal-Fart earlier and there is a Rita's Water Ice stand on the way. As you know, the first day of spring is free water ice day. It was a fucking madhouse. It was like it was a matter of life and death that people got their free water ice. I almost got into multiple accidents just in that couple minute span of driving by there. The car in front of me decides to get over into the turn lane with no turn signal, so I blared my horn at him/her. I am tired of people not using their turn signals. My god, it is not that fucking hard to put your signal on!

Then I get to Wal-Fart and nothing I needed was in stock. This happens nearly every time I go to my local Wal-Fart. I am so tired of them being out of stuff all of the time. I seriously felt like throwing a fit in the middle of the store. Time, money, and gas wasted for nothing.

I have been unreasonably irritable lately and I don't really know why. I walked in my bathroom the other day and I found my toilet seat up and I flipped out. Why? I don't know. It's not really that big of a deal, but it set me off. Every time I freak out, I just feel like someone else is inhabiting my body. It's not me. And most of the time, I feel terrible when I am abrupt with people. I am so abrupt with my parents many times and I don't even know why. And I hate it, because I know if something ever happened to them, I would lose my freaking mind.

The last time my mother and I got into fight, and a couple other fights, she told me that she worries every day that I am going to commit suicide. And that made me sad. Wanting to commit suicide and feeling like life is not worth it just makes me sad in general. I certainly don't want to feel this way anymore, but it's starting to become overwhelmingly strong. I am tired of trying to deal with this. I am tired of life, I can't deny it anymore. Who would even miss me? Jesus, I go to family functions and everyone fawns all over my sister the great and wonderful nurse. And then there is just me. No one ever shows any interest in me. Sure, my life is boring as shit, but it would be nice to know someone is interested in it. And if no one is interested in my life, why should I even care about it? What do I have? Sure, I can get treated and I do want to feel better, but I am at the point of being completely emotionally paralyzed from this. I have no strength to fight it anymore. And I am just starting to not care at all. But I do not want to be the one to end my life.

If I had really good medical, or at least a lot of money, I think I would seriously consider going somewhere (preferably not that hell hole I stayed at before). It's not the ideal plan, but I think at this point, I need to physically remove myself from everything and everyone that stresses me out. I just want to go away for a really long time and regroup.

Random Thoughts

I hate income tax time. Normally it does not bother me, but being on unemployment now, it's confusing. I had a decent return, until I entered in my unemployment earnings. Then I watched it drop about $486. Then when I entered in bank interest, it dropped another $7. But I am confused as to why it is saying I owe $0. I wouldn't complain about not owing anything, but unemployment is federally taxed, and the tax was not deducted in my checks. So why would I not owe? All I know is I don't want to be receiving a letter 4 years from now from the IRS informing me that I owe them $25,000 for not paying them almost $500 in 2012.

I also have finally found the term for all of the lameass Facebook statuses people, e.g. my WA, put up - vaguebook. She has been vaguebooking all night and I am about to put my fist through the monitor with the hopes it comes out on her monitor. I fucking hate vaguebooking. If you are going to post lame whiny statuses and then not answer people when they ask what is wrong, STFU.

Vaguebooking annoys me on a very unhealthy level. Then again, most things do.

And then you have the opposite end of the spectrum, the ones that share too much. My sister is one of those types and although I have made her promise me that she will not be one of those moms worthy of STFU, Parents, I almost don't believe her at times, especially when I see some of the dumbass shit she posts. I don't know how many times I have criticized her for tagging herself at places. Gee, why not just write "hey I am not home right now come rob my place if you know where I live" as your status? She also likes to make a lot of braggy-like posts.

Which brings me to yet another thing that annoys me. Quite a few times my sister has asked me why am I not happy with myself and that it took her years to finally feel content with herself. Well, she claims she gained weight since her wedding and was feeling miserable about it so she decided to join Weight Watchers. That kills me. I am always expected to be happy with my body and not worry about losing weight, but when everyone else is feeling miserable with their bodies, oh it's okay for them to lose weight. She stands there and says she is finally content with her body, but then wants to lose weight. It's like those fat celebrities that go on about how happy they are with their bodies and next thing you know, they lose a massive amount of weight.

People are just annoying me more than usual right now, probably because I have PMS. Last night, there was this story on the 11:00 news about some man who had his $5,000 electric wheelchair stolen off of a front porch. Apparently, they have left it there at night before. So right and then there I started complaining about the stupidity of that. Okay, yes it sucks, but so do people, so why would you leave a $5,000 electric wheelchair outside?

I am tired of hearing these stories and having to listen to people whine that oh they thought they lived in a safe neighborhood and nothing like this ever happens. I know I worry a little too much, but people need to pull their heads out of their asses already and realize they don't live in a nice little bubble where bad things never will happen to them. Like people who leave their expensive gadgets in an unlocked car because they live in a safe neighborhood and then are shocked when their stuff gets stolen. First off, why would you leave expensive electronics in your car? And why would you leave your car unlocked? I don't care where you live. Lock your damn doors!

And another thing that annoys me are people who don't protect their electronics and then expect the company who manufactured the product to pay for the damages. Protect them!

I ran to Wal-Fart earlier and it was full of old people, despite the fact that it was past 2:00 and I am sure most of them have been up for several hours before Wal-Fart even opened. I was down an aisle waiting to get at the shelf with Ritz Crackerfuls and there were these two old hags (sisters, I assume) arguing over the difference between the regular Crackerfuls and the big stuffed ones. It went on for, no joke, over 10 minutes. I was so close to losing my patience and just wanted to scream "Oh my freaking God, one has more cheese in it than the other! It's not that fucking hard to comprehend!". I decided to just give up and go pay for what I had and leave. And just leaving the store has to be a project. That can't even be a simple task.

I should know by now not to go near Wal-Fart when I have PMS.

If this is PMS, I wish it would go away already, because I am getting on my own damn nerves. I'll probably look back on this post in a couple weeks and think, damn what was my problem? I am very irritable, even stupider things than usual are bothering me, my moods are flying up and down on almost an hourly basis, and I seriously just do not want to be alive anymore (not suicidal, though). And I keep snapping out on people and then I feel horrible after it.

My mind has also seemed to take a turn and has miraculously been less focused on the whole Addison's fear. Instead, my mind has decided to go on a quest to just go after me. I have laid in bed early every morning with everything I have done wrong and everything I still keep doing wrong running through my head like some goddamn broken record. Telling me I am a loser and a failure who can't do anything right and still trying to convince me that I am fat and ugly and that I am never going to know how to properly love another person because I am so vile and horrible and no one is ever going to give me an answer as to why I feel so lousy physically because they will just keep brushing it off as anxiety and that I should just commit suicide already because I am never going to get proper help because I need a job to pay for it but I need to feel better to have a job and no one would really miss me anyway. I just want to scream SHUT UP!

GRRRRR!

I have reconciled my relationship with 104.5 again and this was the first place I ever heard "Driven By Their Beating Hearts" by A Silent Film and not long after hearing it, I downloaded it from Walmart.com. I recently heard a new song, "You Will Leave A Mark", by the band and I love it, so I figured maybe I would download it off Walmart.com. However, no matter what kind of search I put in, I can find no songs by A Silent Film anymore. That said.....

The WTF Of The Day

Look, I know Wal-Fart is the Antichrist and all, but....THIS:















Look! It enraged me so much, I had to paste the Rageguy meme into the picture!

Seriously? Not one of those "artists" could hold a candle to Mark Masri.

lol- I like how his one album is titles "See My Face". Oh I see it alright. *grrglgrrrrgllgrrgll*

Random Thoughts

When is someone ever going to be able to give me an exact number of calories I need to consume a day to lose weight? One website says 1200, another says 1350, and another says 1197! I thought you were not allowed to go below 1200! One site even told me 2200! If I ate 2200 calories a day, I would be the size of a fucking house. It's hard to judge my activity level; I exercise at least 5 days a week, but other than that, I am not very active. So what the hell am I considered?

Ugh, it is all so damn confusing.

And sometimes after doing my running-walking thing, my left ankle feels weird. Like weak and like it needs to be cracked. Its probably due to not warming up properly and to the bad condition of my sneakers and I have a new pair of running shoes waiting to be used, but I don't know and it's worrying me and now I am afraid to go back out and run.

I had the joyful experience of visiting Wal-Mart today and it was nuthouse, so needless to say when I left, I was not in a good mood and my mother had purchased a People magazine because she is sickenly obsessed with the Casey Anthony case and she handed it to me to read when she was done and wouldn't you know in the letters section, there was a section mentioning the same thing that talk show mentioned 2 weeks ago that had me in a horrible depression? I felt like screaming.

I also feel like screaming because, as I mentioned before, I cannot, for the life of me, remember where my wisdom tooth is. I ask every single time I go because I forget, so you would think I would write it down, but nooo. Not me.

http://palinpics4truth.blogspot.com/

First off, before any "conservatives" get their panties in a bunch, I don't know what to think of the whole baby thing. Frankly, I find the whole pregnancy and birthing quite suspicious, but I am not one to sit and fight with people that the baby is not Sarah's. But this is ridiculous. What a crock of bullshit. This is the most absurd thing I have ever read. Last time I checked, we live in the United States, not the Middle East. Here's an idea- if you do not like what this lady has to say, leave the site. It's as simple as that. Just like if you do not like what I have to say, leave my page. I visit plenty of sites in a week's time and if I do not like what the person has to say, while it is tempting to bitch people out, I just roll my eyes, curse humanity, and click the red x on the tab.

I Hope This Pasts Soon

It should, since I think I know what is causing it. But not soon enough.

Last night while I was lying in bed, an overwhelming feeling came over me to go out into the kitchen and down both bottles of aspirin we have in our medicine cabinet, plus whatever else was in there (which itself is a scary combination). I just stayed in bed, blasted my headphones, and tried to fight it. It was a horrible, suffocating feeling and I don't know why it came on, except for the fact that I realized that yesterday had been 3 years exactly since I was in that hellhole.

I also realized why I do not and have never acted out on any suicidal feelings or impulses- the possibility that I may survive. Now many people, including several I know personally, who have attempted suicide say that after they did so, they got an overwhelming feeling to live and appreciated life better after the attempt. And then you have people like my cousin who attempt it and later down the line, attempt it again and actually succeed. I have a feeling I would fall into the latter category. I would probably also find one more thing in life to beat myself up over, as in I would think "god, you can't even kill yourself properly. Is there anything you can do right?".

I also am hesitant on ever committing suicide because I can't do that to my family. I know in my cases my mother would be the one to find me and I just can't do that to her. She'd certainly be the only one to understand why I did it, but still. And also....I guess there is still a part of me that is afraid that I would actually go to hell for it, although at this point, I am going anyway so why bother caring?

My sister often says how much better I am than I was three years ago since I have gotten off of all psychiatric medications. Which is partly true. I am nowhere near as bad as I was when I first got out of the hospital (I think I was actually worse than when I went in), but I wouldn't say I am a whole lot better. I just feel completely lost and no idea how to get back on the right track. It feels like every path to get back has some kind of deadend or blockage.

I want to go back to school and I have career ideas, but I get so easily dissuaded. I think of the length of time it will take me (all of them) or the salary of the career is kind of pittance (accounting technology) or I wonder how I will get the money to pay for it (paralegal) or I think of what the job will entail (radiography and anything else in the healthcare field) or I am just not smart enough (all of them, including anything computer related or engineering).

One day I ran to Wal-Mart and I passed by a car with a sign taped on the inside of the back window and aside from that being weird enough, the message on it was even more peculiar. It had a statement about how the reason people fail is because they expect immediate results and don't want to put in the time to get what they want. It was just a weird thing to read in a car and it sounds silly, but I felt like it was there for a reason because that is a lot of my problem. I don't mind working for things, but if it's going to take a long time, I get easily discouraged.

Today, I actually woke up feeling better, but then one of my mom's stupid talk shows had to ruin it for me. Why? Because it had someone with the thing I want. And that sent me downhill. Every single time I hear a mention of it or see someone with it, it fills me with severe depression, an unrelenting rage, and an overwhelming jealousy. I don't know what to do about it, other than to take matters into my own hands. I can't even imagining ever talking to someone about it. I would much rather be in a position of telling someone that I am gay or want to change gender or god forbid, tell somone I am a psychopathic murderer than this. At least those things are not entirely abnormal and/or unheard of. But how many people want this? I only know about 5 other people. There are obviously more, but a bulk of the people with the disorder want a different thing. I just don't know how much longer I can keep this bottled up inside of me. That show earlier has me filled with so much anger, I don't know what to do other than scream at the top of my lungs. At dinner, I felt like taking my bowl of soup and hurling it against the wall.

Technically, there are two things I want. Thing 1 is more recent; it came on in the past few years. Thing 2 is the one that can be traced back to my childhood. Thing 1 can result in Thing 2.

If it is not clear by now what it is, then this should more than likely do it- one time my mother had Lost on and it was the episode when Locke's father pushes him out the window and my mom turns to me and jokingly says "you better not piss me off, I might do the same thing to you one day" and I thought, boy, if it would have the same result, if you only knew how much I would welcome it.

I've asked myself before that if I were given the opportunity, would I wish for this one thing I want or would I wish to not want it anymore and never again? I never knew the answer, but when I think about it, I don't know how I would actually feel if I ever got my wish. So now I know the answer- I would wish for to never want it anymore.

And by the way, when I state that I would rather tell someone I am gay or want to change genders....I am not saying that they are bad things. I just know how hard and difficult it is for many people who do realize they are gay to come out and say it to their family and loved ones and am merely providing an example as to just how difficult this is to tell someone. Or abnormal. Just unfortunately, to some intolerant people, it is considered somewhat abnormal to be homosexual or want to be of a different gender. And if they think that is abnormal, well something like my situation could completely blow them out of the water, although frankly I should not have to feel guilty and embarrassed for wanting this when it's not my fault that society has placed such a stigma on it and has turned it into something so devastating.

It kind of pisses me off- actually, scratch that- it pisses me off A LOT- how some people have a tendency to get, oh, I don't know, pissed at us (myself and others who want this). Everything in life is dealt with differently, depending on the person. Just because this person doesn't like it doesn't mean another person will be as bothered by it. I will have to live with the consequences if it ever happened, not them. I can sit and bitch about why on earth would a man want to become a woman, but I don't. If someone came up to me in tears one day and said they couldn't understand why they feel this way, but they wish they were manic depressive, understandably, the first thing I would think is, are you fucking insane? I would be a bit baffled on why they would want depression, but I would not hate them or get angry. I can be an intolerant person at times and then there are also times where I am very tolerant of people's feelings, no matter how crazy they may seem to others. Contrary to how I may react on here sometimes, this is still a person's personal feelings and I have no right to get angry at them for it.

And it doesn't do anything for them in the end anyway, so why bother bitching? If it happened to me, they would still be in the same situation. They can sit and bitch about how life is unfair when it happens to them and I'm sorry, but I have to ask- what is your point? I may be perfectly fine, but that doesn't mean I still can do just anything. Life is unfair and it is going to treat you unfairly, able-bodied or not. Some more than others....again, able-bodied or not. I don't know what these people want from me. I don't want to feel the way I do, but I do and so far, nothing has taken it away from me and if they don't like it....tough fucking shit.

I don't always feel suicidal. A good majority of the time, but than there are times when I just want to feel worthy and want the feelings to go away and to live a normal life. There are many times when I ask, why can't I be as happy as Lady Miss Kier? If she was even as happy as she came off as. If those drug rumors were true (supposedly she was addicted to heroin or something- after the band broke up; I have no idea how true the rumors are, if at all), then something must have been wrong. It would be sad if she never was as happy as she came off as.

I don't know where to go from here, other than to say how much I hate people sometimes.

And speaking of Lady Miss Kier, I forget to mention about 10 days ago that she was on TMZ.com! Here is the link: Lady Miss Kier of Deee-Lite: 'Memba her?!

Another Quote Of The Day

From letter writer Stuart Caesar in today's Daily News:

IN THE aftermath of the death of a Wal-Mart employee at the hands of a rabid bargain-hunting mob of morons, I can now understand why department stores have pushed so hard to do away with the the word "Christmas." After all, if you're in the middle of killing someone who is slowing down your pursuit of sweat socks on sale, you certainly don't want a replica of the baby Jesus staring you down, possibly casting judgment on your actions.

Quote Of The Day

From Michael K, writer of D-Listed, in response to the Wal-Mart death:

This is way, way, way beyond an "unfortunate event." You know, it makes so much sense that this happened at Wal-Mart, the epitome of American grossness. I hope that on Christmas morning, when the Wal-Mart savages' children are opening their stupid presents, they tell them "I hope you like it, because I had to kill a man for it."....What the fuck is wrong with America? Even wild animals behave better than we do. Stories like this make me want to donate all my shit to charity and go live in the woods for the rest of my life. People suck.

The Evidence Is In....

This country has officially been overtaken with greed:

Wal-Mart worker dies after shoppers knock him down

I would like for one person- just one- to explain to me what exactly in the world is so important to buy that people have to form a herd of buffalo and storm down the place. And then the gall of the people to refuse to leave the store after a man fucking dies due to their stupidity! It's a sad day when American's materialistic greed has gotten so bad, that someone has to frigging die for it.

And yet....to think some people are like to make a big stink over saying happy holidays.