Random Thoughts

Five days later....still reeling from the election.

I cannot believe this man is going to be our president. And even more I cannot believe the amount of idiots I know who voted for him. And so many are men with daughters. How would they feel if someone talked about their daughters the way Trump talked about women in that video? Oh I bet that would be a a whole other story. I'm so glad they can look past his blatant disrespect for women, minorities, religions, etc in general. Then again, with the amount of hatred I see being spewed on Facebook since the election, it really should not surprise me.

You never really know people until you friend them on Facebook.

Was I particularly happy that Clinton was our candidate? Not necessarily. I voted for the Bernster in the primaries. And I understand that a lot of his supporters were pissed about the whole DNC thing, because it was bull. But I would be damned if I voted for Trump.

Red president, red House, red Senate....I don't want to be a woman right now.

I'm not looking forward to this week in work, thanks to my manager allowing my FWA to have off the entire week. When I left work in Thursday, the workload wasn't looking so good. There was still quite a bit that needed to be done. I had off Friday, so I don't know how much work got done. I dread what I'm going into tomorrow. I swear, if I have to do any overtime this week, while my wallet will appreciate it with the holidays right around the corner, I will be beyond pissed off.

If I could ever have off and go back to work feeling relaxed, it would be a fucking miracle. 

Dammit America!

Oh America, WHYYYYYYYYY?? 

Random Thoughts

When I got the email regarding the deposition, it mentioned that the lawyer representing our company wanted to meet with me. So I emailed him with my availability and he responded back that me he'd get back to me. Time went on and I never heard a response. We were having system issues so I started to worry that maybe I didn't get the email. Then last Friday I get an email informing me the deposition was canceled. I nearly peed my pants in excitement. Unfortunately my excitement was short lived, for Monday morning came along with an email informing me the deposition was rescheduled to December.

I really don't want to have to do this. And while I appreciate people telling me to just tell what I know, what I plan out saying in my head doesn't always end up coming out of my mouth. Talking to people, especially people I don't know and especially people of a significant position, makes me so unbearably nervous and anxious that anything coming from my head to my mouth tends to get all kinds of fucked up. Public speaking, or at the rate I'm going speaking in general, is definitely not my forte. If I was ever forced to take a public speaking class, I'd say just give me an F.

I feel like I'm saying this a lot anymore, but something has really been up my butt lately. I'm so fucking cranky and irritable and my concentration levels are nil. I'm tired of being bloated and constipated. I have a tooth bothering me. My coworkers are getting on my last nerve.

Especially my FWA. Her stupidity and arrogance is getting under my skin so bad I just want to slap her across the face every time I look at her. She is going to have off a whole week this month. I'd love to know how she even has the time, although I do recall her saying to me one time that she was going to have a week off and she would only be going in to the new year negative so many days. A day or two or something. But still- just because you can means you should?

It would be nice if one day any of the managers decided to pull her head out of her ass and stopped coddling this bitch, although considering she is 31 years old, they shouldn't have to. She should know better at her age. But no, everyone just pampers her.  

And the stupid cow will call out for the stupidest reasons, but now she is actually legitimately sick and won't call out. Probably because then she'd have to give up some of her vacation. So instead she's in work hacking and spreading her germs all over the fucking place. Because fuck everyone else if they get sick as long as she still gets her undeserved vacation. Because nothing matters to her but her and her only.

Random Thoughts

So Tuesday I'm going about my business at work, not having too bad of a day, when I see the little Outlook email preview pop up in the lower right side of my screen. I open up the email and it's from our legal team. I'm apparently being summonsed for a deposition in November regarding our former temp who slipped and fell in the parking lot. I received the email about 10 minutes before I was clocking out for lunch. And I spent that entire 10 minutes shaking on the inside and doing everything in my power to not completely lose it.

I can't believe that this frivolous crap has even gotten this far. And me have to speak in front of fucking lawyers? This should go just wonderfully, considering I am as good at public speaking as Donald Trump is at not being a complete misogynistic pig.

Random Thoughts

I realized over the weekend that my three year anniversary at that place is coming soon. God bless me for making it that long. I don't know how I have done it, except for the fact that as I said before, I am really no better than my coworkers and stick around because there's stuff I get away with there that would not fly at other places, except unlike my coworkers, mine still involves my actual job. They won't leave because they know they won't get away with coming in or coming back from lunch whenever they feel like it (e.g. my FWA), taking numerous smoke breaks, vaping in the office, standing around bullshitting for large amounts of times, house or clothes surfing on the internet (again, my FWA), multiple personal calls (guess who)....the list goes on.

And now I get to do it all over again! And our most senior employee is on vacation this week, so it should really be a fun week. Listening to the radio all day (e.g. hearing the same shit over and over and over again), more talking, etc. Yay! I can't freaking wait.

I've been taking those Nature Made probiotics for over a week now. I don't feel like I've been as bloated feeling as usual, but so far they're doing nothing for the constipation and irregularity issue. I know probiotics can take some time to kick in, so I'll at least give them another week and decide where to go from there. I'm also considering adding the acidophilus that I've been taking for years back into the mix. All this having to play around with medications is a real pain in the ass. Intestines! Why can't you just function properly?!

Against my better wishes, I went to the local diner for dinner. And just as we were finishing up, who ends up being seated at the table caddy corner to us? The kid I went to school with. The one who two years ago I was repulsed at seeing. Can't say I felt much different tonight.

My God, there is a special place in hell for me.

Random Thoughts

Well that was unsurprisingly a quick 3 days off. Quick summer as well. Boo. I was always one to look forward to the end of summer and the start of fall. Now I hate when summer ends. And I think it has to do with 5 years ago when I was going through such a rough time and then ended up being laid off on top of it. My mental state was really not in a good place then and I think I have been subconsciously associating that with fall since then.

I had no one to do anything with last night so I just did my own thing. Went to Popeye's like last time. I was in there with my book and 3 old people. Then I ran to a few stores and came home and at in front of the boob tube and read. It was depressing as fuck. I felt like going and buying a gun and blowing my brains out. Still feeling like that, actually. More so because I have to go back to work. And because of visions of horrible things happening playing nonstop in my head. I swear to God some days when they're really bad I want to take an ice pick and jam it up my fucking nose.

And to make my suicidal thoughts more depressing....it's apparently National Suicide Prevention week. I saw that earlier and thought, Jesus that would be fucking ironic.

I'm beyond frustrated with this bloating and left lower abdominal distention. Every time I put my pants on I want to cry because they feel so tight on me. I'm so disgusted with myself and disgusted with myself for starting to think I'm fat again. I really should go to the doctor and request an abdominal CT scan. That way it could show the digestive system and female organs. An ultrasound wouldn't do much for me unless there is definitely something going on in my women parts.

I bought Nature Made Advanced Dual Action probiotics the other day. I haven't tried them yet, as I am still finishing up the last few of my usual probiotics. I hope they do something good, though.

Anyway, I am currently reading Robopocalypse by Daniel Wilson. I had bought a copy of Amped in the Dollar Tree back in July and I was very interested in it and then I read some reviews on Robo and thought it sounded intestesing, so I checked it out of my local library. I am simultaneously fascinated and freaked out by it. Definitely enforces my belief that technology is great until it malfunctions. It also makes me think of the "Mother's Day" episode of Futurama. Hey Hey! Ho Ho! 100110!

Random Thoughts

I should just stay off Facebook today. Today is the 2nd of 3 weddings for my bitchy cousins (for some reason, all 3 of them had to get engaged around the same time). And of course Hermine decided not to pack a punch and it's a beautiful day out. Of course.

This particular cousin I never really had a problem with until one time we were at a family function and she was going around giving everyone at our table a hug and kiss and just as she was coming up to me, someone came up to her and she walked away with them. I can't even describe how I felt after that. And she really hit my shit list when I contacted her through FB messaging about whether she was coming to my sister's baby shower or not and she blatantly ignored me. And I know she read the message, too. People seem to forget that FB messaging marks when you read messages. Never called, didn't show up, nothing. Didn't respond or show up to my nephew's first birthday either. Bitch, my family has bent over ass backwards multiple times for all of your stupid affairs! You couldn't even once return the favor?!

I often complain about my coworkers and how they bitch and moan about how much they hate it there and I always says that the only reason they're all still there is because they know at any other place they wouldn't get away with the shit they get away with there. And then I thought one day, where the fuck am I any better? I've admitted many times before that the only reasons I stay there are because of the pay and because no one condemns my slow ass and my extreme phone phobia is catered to (although to be fair, no one really deals with phones there anymore). Plus it's close to home. Still, though, where am I any better? I'm really not.

Boy, I woke up in rare form today.

Random Thoughts

Ah, finally a three-day weekend again! And tropical storm (as of now) Hermine is heading our way! I don't know yet exactly how bad we're supposed to get hit, but I'm already stressed over it and worrying about any tornado watches, warnings, power outages, etc. ARGH!

Oh, well. Still better than being in work. As usual I have 50 bazillion things I could complain about regarding that place, but frankly....I just don't feel like it.

Random Thoughts

I should have known 5 days without my FWA would have been too damn good to be true, because guess who came strolling in at 11:30AM yesterday with her brat? As soon as I heard her voice I though oh good God you have got to be fucking kidding me. Bitch, you're on vacation! Stay the fuck away from work! And stop fucking worrying about who is sitting at your desk!

And her outfit was great as usual. She was wearing a halter top that was from about 20 pounds ago and if she had it pulled down any lower, we would have seen her areolas. Classy as usual.

I wish just once I could go on vacation and come back feeling calmer instead of feeling just as frazzled, overwhelmed and stressed out as I was before I left. If not more! And constantly going on vacation with my entire family doesn't help. Look, I love my older nephew to death but my God that kid stresses me out beyond belief. He's so rambunctious and rough and never once can we go out to eat without him making it completely unpleasant. I have heard that three can be worse than two and let me tell you- I wholeheartedly believe it. His behavior makes me want to rip out my own uterus and ovaries. Between him, my BIL's attitude, and my sister's nonchalant "her time is her time and everyone else's time is her time" attitude, vacation is never pleasant.

Lately I have been so damn exhausted and just feeling overall shitty. Every morning I have to get up for work I just want to cry because I'm so tired. I feel like I can barely function because I feel so exhausted. I'm starting to have more episodes of feeling lightheaded and like I'm going to black out whenever I stand up. Quite a few times it's gotten so bad I've had to stop walking and bend over until the feeling passed. I'm craving salt like crazy. And no, I am not worried that I have Addison's disease, although let's not try to plant those seeds in my head again.

And whatever happened to my digestive system since Myrtle Beach needs to go away. It's like something got thrown super out of whack since then. A couple weeks ago I finally decided to buy Natural Calm after hearing about it for a long time and reading excellent reviews. I took the smallest dose recommended one night while I was down the shore and almost mmediately felt very bloated. And although I felt relaxed, I didn't sleep well at all. And woke up feeling horrible. Was the bloating from the NC or just from eating bad? Did I not sleep well because of it or just because I never sleep well on vacation? And did I feel horrible the next day from it or just from not sleeping well? I don't know, but I have been reluctant to try it again.

More and more I'm starting to feel like I need to take a vacation in the crazy house again.

Random Thoughts

Another weekend down, back to work again. Blah! But hey, at least my FWA is on vacation all week so I don't have to hear that obnoxious laugh for five days.

When I first get logged in to my computer at work in the morning, one of the first things I open up is my email. On Friday, I do such and I see an email from someone I don't know with a subject line of "[name] vs. [company]" and I kind of start to feel a little nervous. I open it up and see it's addressed to my manager's boss and me and starts off with the introduction that the person is from the legal team. So I really start feeling scared but then I read the rest of the email and quickly went from scared as fuck to pissed. Some chick we had as a temp two years ago is suing the company after slipping and falling in the parking lot. And my manager's boss had signed the incident report and I apparently was listed down as a witness in the report and this legal person had a few questions for us.

Frankly the only thing I remember is that it happened during that unexpected insane ice storm we had and when I had pulled up to work, she was on the ground next to her car. I did not actually see her fall. What I want to know is how I was put down as a witness, because this is news to me. I'm going to guess my old manager just took it upon herself to put me down as a witness without telling me, asking me for any witness report, or anything of that nature.

I swear.....people.

The Awesome Of The Day

Mid summer morning MGMT update: been working hard (for us) this year...another recording session begins next week!

— MGMT (@whoisMGMT) July 30, 2016

it seems we have settled on an album title. BUT we can tell you that another time.

— MGMT (@whoisMGMT) July 30, 2016

Random Thoughts

So update on my digestive issues (not that anyone cares)- I stopped the Miralax, upped Peri-Colace intake, had some success and was back to an acceptable 123, 124 pounds on the scale last Saturday. Was doing okay but now I'm feeling miserable again. Of course I ended up getting my period sooner than I expected (which is good, because I'm going down the shore for a few days soon and won't have to worry about it coming now) so that might be contributing to it, but I'm worried that this is going to be an ongoing thing. And if it is, what is causing it? And for the love of God, how can I get it to go away??

I suspected all of the past week that my period was coming. For one, that one Saturday I had a bout of really heavy discharge and usually it comes about two weeks after that occurs. And two, I was so drained feeling and miserable that I kept thinking, there is no way it's not coming soon. And sure enough, it graced me with its presence on Friday morning.

And I should know that when I want to rip my coworkers' faces off more than usual that I'm due for it. And Thursday I was really feeling it. My FWA comes strolling in at 10. My manager says nothing to anyone about her coming in late and considering the stupid bitch is our front desk person, I think my manager kind of should let people know. But it's not like it's the first time she's lacked communicating with her employees about things. But this is the best part- not only does my FWA come in at 10, a few minutes later I hear her go out with the rest of the smokers for their 10 o'clock smoke break. Barely even the fucking door and she feels entitled to take her break still. And then not even two hours later, they're out on another one.

And would my manager say anything to her? No. She was right out on the smoke break with them. Them two are so fucking chummy with each other it's disgusting. You're her manager, you stupid bitch! She is your employee! Not your fucking BFF!

Don't get me wrong- I'm glad to finally have a manager who doesn't spaz out over stupid shit like, but my God, this one has less cojones than my old one.

Random Thoughts

I had my period while I was on vacation. Usually within a week or so after it ends, my mood stabilizes (well, what could be considered stable for me). It's almost two weeks since it ended and I'm still a miserable, irritable, depressed bitch. What in the hell is wrong with me?

I'll tell you what isn't helping- this bloating. It's certainly making me miserable beyond belief. Was still about 127, 128 pounds on the scale yesterday. I pulled my stomach in and my lower abdomen was significantly more distended, especially on the left side. And it's a lot harder if you press on my lower left side. I have rumbling, am able to pass gas, nausea but no vomiting, and my appetite is more than fine, so I doubt I have a blockage. But I'm definitely feeling pretty, um, clogged.  I was able to actually go some yesterday and I felt marginally better, but obviously nothing to sing about it.

And I'd love to take a full stimulant laxative (hell, at this point I'm ready to do a colonoscopy prep) to get everything out, but the last time I took them, I had a rather unpleasant experience afterwards for two plus weeks. And I'm afraid of having that problem again if I take them.

I also mentioned on Friday how I had a pulling pain in my lower right pelvic area. Well on Saturday I had one instance of a very heavy amount of discharge. Not sure if there is any connection with that. (e.g. mittelschmerz or whatever).

My God, I'm starting to sound like an old person.

Random Thoughts

One week later, still bloated beyond belief. Still having constipation. Super nauseous. I'm so damn miserable. I finally decided to try doing an enema last night and obviously didn't help, otherwise I wouldn't be here bitching still. I JUST WANT TO PROPERLY GO! 

I wish I knew if there was any link to my hormones behind it. I've been having cramping and heavy discharge all this week. Off and on tonight, I've been getting this annoying pulling pain above the bikini line on the right side. I'm wondering if I could possibly have a cyst.

I'm also very unhappy with the scale. I was about 127 when I got on this morning. And of course all I keep worrying about is the numbers are going to keep going up and nothing will be able to stop it, or my Prozac finally decided to say fuck it and make me start gaining weight.

Random Thoughts

I can't believe tomorrow will already be one week since my vacation ended. Two weeks since I left for vacation. Where on earth does the time go?

Not sure if it's post-vacation blues, post-period blues, or a mixture of things, but I have been so freaking miserable this week. I feel overwhelmingly depressed and the littlest things are making me want to lie down and just sob. I feel very unhappy right now.

And apparently I was wrong about Miralax messing with my period, because my period came 44 days this month. And right while I was on vacation. And since it came later than I expected I decided to go back on the Miralax and Peri-Colace regimen for a little bit. And it helped some during vacation, definitely helped this past Saturday, and some on Sunday. And since then I have not been able to go to the bathroom once. And I don't understand why. I'm taking two Peri-Colace pills a day, drinking tons of water, and Miralax- how the fuck is that not helping me go to the bathroom? Especially when it normally does! I'm so bloated and miserable and am starting to seriously worry I'm going to end up with a blockage.  

Random Thoughts

Well, my Myrtle Beach vacation is over for the year. Pretty much the typical vacation in this household- somewhat nice, constantly chaotic but still followed by the post-vacation blues. And then next weekend is Independence Day weekend. I feel like once that weekend is over, that's it for the summer. There is no longer anything to really look forward to, except maybe the occasional shore day trips and a few days down the shore in August.

And now it's back to that stupid place called work tomorrow. Back to annoying charts and annoying people. I'm dreading it. Big time. 

UGH

Enhanced risk of severe thunderstorms for my area today with a 5% tornado probability. Not looking forward to the nastiness that is predicted for later on today.  Guarantee there will probably be some kind of watch issued at some point today.

And then the stupid sun keeps popping out sporadically. GO AWAY SUN YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO MAKE THINGS WORSE.

4:43PM: Severe thunderstorm watch till 10

9:11PM: Looks like the watch was cancelled. Not the entire watch, but certain areas that were under it, including mine, have not been under it since around 8. A severe thunderstorm warning went into effect for my area until about 7:15 and the radar was looking pretty hairy, but all we ended up getting was rain, some wind, some cracks of thunder, and I'm not even sure if we actually got lightning. Spent most of the weekend anxious and with my stomach in knots, particularly today, for really no reason.

And since my anxiety never goes away and instead just finds somewhere else to invade, I'm super stressed out about going back into this leviathan of a chart I started working on on Thursday. Yes, Thursday. And I'm still working on it. I'm pretty sure I should have it done at some point tomorrow- once I get past one part that I'm almost at, it should be a little smoother sailing- but as of now, it's fucking intense. And I'm dreading going back in to it.

Song Of The Day

Song Of The Day

In a Pure Moods kind of mood (yes, I do actually own that CD- both I and II in fact):

Random Thoughts

Happy Memorial Day! Thank you to all those who have served!

And thank goodness for not having to be in work for one day. Any day away from those asshats is okay in my book. And any day away from the ever building workload is okay as well.

And then I found out last week that one of the girls who does the same job as me up in our sister company (there are two girls there that do the same job as me) is apparently going to be out for about a month due to health issues and the other girl is apparently having health issues of her own. Which means we'll probably be expected to take on some of their work as well. I swear to God, I have never seen an office with so many damn people going out on extended leaves for health issues as much as that office. It really makes me wonder just how bad that office is run.

I keep dreading the day my FWA comes in and announces she's pregnant again. I think I will just have an absolute breakdown when she's out on maternity leave. Because of course she'll have to be sectioned again, because of course her recovery period couldn't be dramatic-free, which means she'll have to be out longer than the usual time and probably even longer than what is expected in general. Because god forbid anything ever not be dramatic with her.

UGH. I really do not want to go back tomorrow.

Song Of The Day

"Do you know....do you know
You're all I know....you're all I know
When everything comes crashing down
You're all I know....you're all I know"

Random Thoughts

I'm still alive. Nothing really exciting to report, other than I have a new nephew. He came a few days after my last post and is an absolute cutie patootie. 

I'm glad to report my last period came at a respectable 36 days. It's kind of weird that it came the usual amount of days after stopping Miralax. I don't know how or why Miralax would knock it off but I still think it had something to do with my period coming late those few months.

However, since my last period ended, I've been dealing with some really annoying lower back pain. Sometimes it's only on the right side, sometimes it's only on the left side, and sometimes it's bilateral. And it spreads into my hips and thighs, usually the front part of my thighs and sometimes the sides. Walking can be painful but sitting can be even worse, because then the pain in my hips and thighs worsens. I don't know what is going on but it's making me really irritable. And the stuff I normally do to get rid of back pain isn't helping. The only thing that seems to help is the ibuprofen 800 I still have from before I got my root canal. But once it wears off, I'm right back to being miserable. Plus I'm afraid to take too much pain medications since apparently Prozac and NSAIDs together can increase stomach bleeding.

Work is still the same old shit. The lull in work has come to an end. Now I am a little guilty of slacking off some during that lull, but not like my coworkers. But will they be the ones stressing out over it? No. It will be this girl. I'm the moron sitting here right now on a frigging Sunday afternoon getting a knot in my stomach wondering how the shit will get done in time.

Random Thoughts

So help me God, if this bug that is up my ass does not crawl out soon, I'm going to lose my mind.

And the crankier I feel the nastier I am getting and the more I am finding myself doing shit even out of the ordinary for me. I have never felt so unlike myself as I do right now. I've had nasty streaks before, plenty, but I don't ever recall feeling so nasty and bitter as I do right now. And I don't like it.

Yesterday I didn't wake up in the greatest of moods. Partly because it was Monday, partly because I knew I had to go back in to a chart that was taking forever to summarize because it was so fucking detailed, and partly I have no idea why. And then something in work put me in a pissy mood for the rest of the day. And truthfully it's probably me just being too sensitive and reading too much into things. Every so often I'll email billing invoices up to our sister company and some time around December we were given a new person to forward them to. And when he would respond to my emails, I noticed he would include Ms. Croquette. Since I know she used to deal with billing back when I got laid off, I figured she needed to be included in sending them and I started to include her on my emails.

So fast forward to what, 4 months later, I email some invoices yesterday and a few minutes later I get an email from Ms. Croquette asking me and the main person we forward them to "please remove me from these emails". And it just rubbed me the wrong way. I know things can be interpreted wrong in emails, but I can just picture her snooty ass typing the email all snooty like. And why four months later am I being asked this? If she is not supposed to be receiving the emails, then why not, oh I don't know, EMAIL ME SOONER?

And then I came home from work in a foul mood and my sister and my nephew were here. One thing that annoys me with sister is she gets pissed if people overstay their welcome but has no problem ever doing it herself. And my mom is trying to get dinner ready and my sister is just taking her good old time leaving and my nephew is making chaos everywhere and I started feeling really stressed out and I went into my bedroom and at some point said "OMG just go the fuck home already!". Except I didn't just say it. I yelled it. And she heard me.

And my FWA is starting to really get under my skin with her attitude.

And something that is really starting to scare me is how paranoid I am starting to feel. Not paranoid in the sense that people are out to get me (for the most part) or aliens are going to abduct me or the government is going to start transmitting things through my teeth. No, rather I am feeling overly paranoid that everyone is being extremely cold towards me and that everyone hates me and wants me to go away and I am worried that someone hacked in to my Facebook account and posted something offensive that I can't see and that's why everyone is being so cold to me. And I keep wondering if it's the Prozac but I can't figure out why over a year later it would start to do this. And now I'm even more afraid to up my dosage that it will make me even more paranoid. All I know is I went to bed last night thinking, god I wish I had a plan so I can just put an end to this miserable excuse of a life already.

Random Thoughts

The heat sensitivity seems to have settled down some. Still hurts to chew on that side though. And I've tried (multiple times) sticking a swab over each tooth and biting down and of course that never elicits any pain, so I can't even figure out what tooth it is, although I am almost positive it's the root-canaled tooth.

I don't know if it's just the post-period miserable or what, but I have been one cranky ass bitch this past week. I certainly don't feel like I am taking Prozac anymore. Which means I probably need to up my dosage but am still too chicken (I did up it to six days a week, but that lasted two weeks).

And I'm so damn annoyed with work. I keep telling myself to be happy I have a job, but I still drive in to work every morning hoping an 18 wheeler will nail me. My coworkers just get under my skin so damn bad. And lately it's been really bad.

My FWA has had a bit of an attitude problem this week and I'm about to put my foot up her ass. And I guarantee if you asked her what is up her ass, she'd be all I haven't slept WAH the baby hasn't slept WAH. At which point I'd have to walk away because I'd want to give her a look that would make Medusa proud and ask her if she really expects any fucking sympathy from me. YOU wanted to be a mother so bad, YOU constantly go on about how much "it's so worth it", YOU feed your kid junk food all of the time....sit the fuck down.

And other things that annoy me with them are really just my petty side rearing its ugly head. Like how I always like making my favorite doctor a pot of coffee whenever he is in. But for the past week and a half the MOB has been making coffee (apparently she "lost" her travel mug so she's had to make coffee in work instead of just, oh I don't know, BUYING A NEW MUG) so I haven't gotten to make it for him. And it's really grinding my fucking gears. Also, it's pretty funny how twice we've had birthday cake since my birthday and she's eating the cake both times. AND IT'S THE SAME EXACT CAKE AS WHAT I HAD. In fact, almost every morning this past week I've seen her eating a piece of cake from my FWA's birthday cake that was in the fridge. Yeah, okay.

And I'm annoyed how my lunch half hour is no longer mine. I have Jabber Jaws take lunch the same fucking time as I do and normally if I need some peace and quiet and the weather isn't bad, I might go and sit out in my car and have lunch. Except now even that isn't a pleasant experience because not only does my manager take lunch the same time, but she'll also sit in her car. And 99% of the time she's parked next to me. And it feels incredibly awkward sitting in my car right next to her.

On another note....it's snowing out. WTF????

ARGHHHHHHHHHH

I don't know if it's because I am on my period (which came 45 days this time, another 2 days later than before; hello again, premature menopause fear), but I am in one hell of a bad mood.

For starters, I'm incredibly pissed with this heat sensitivity. I'm not scared to have root canal done again, since now I know how incredibly not scary it is, but I don't think I should be facing the possibility of having to have it done again. An endodontic specialist did it, for fuck's sake. Root canals are her specialty! And when I went for my 6 month check-up, she had them do a 3D x-ray on me (boy, can't wait to see how much that is going to cost me) and after she viewed it, she went on this long string. And I couldn't understand anything she said because 1) she talks on the very low side of LOW and 2) she's got a very heavy accent. And I, of course, am too proper and spineless to speak up and say I'm sorry I don't understand what you are saying to me.

I am so scared of getting an infection, or possibly having one that is symptom-less, or getting one that ends up spreading to my jaw or brain or causing sepsis or whatever else scary could happen.

And then every goddamn night I have to hear my mother go on about this ailing her or that ailing her and about the ringing in her ears and buzzing in her head and how there is probably something wrong with her and she can't afford for anything to happen to her right now and I feel like I am going to lose my mind. Not the kind of stuff you want to hear when you worry all of the damn time as it is. Especially when the shit is coming from one of the most important people in your life.

I can't take all of the fucking worrying. I can't take worrying something bad is going to happen to my loved ones while I am at work or whenever I am out or whenever anyone else goes out. I can't take worrying that I am going to make a massive mistake in work and get fired. I can't take worrying about identity theft all of the goddamn time. I can't take worrying about my health all of the time. I can't take worrying about my weight. I can't take worrying about tornadoes and other destructive storms when the warm weather comes. It's time like this I wish I would just get the guts to end it all. Anything to stop all of the NOISE.

Random Thoughts

By luck, my iPad is working again. My brother-in-law got me to try something that I was going to try before but didn't think it would work, but it surprisingly did. And I managed to get the iPad discharged from that account and created an iCloud account with the proper email address.

I can recall as far as early January noticing heat sensitivity on my lower right side that would come and go. But over the past week it has been really bad. And I'm pretty sure that it is my root-canaled tooth. Even food that is lukewarm is setting off pain. Room temperature, cold, freezing, none of that bothers it. Just warm to hot. And then I read about how heat sensitivity can come from gases being released by bacteria and I've got myself scared shitless. I'm about ready to take a pair of pliers and yank the fucking thing out myself.

Fuck You Apple Part Deux

I should have known that my ACCIDENTAL screw up in creating an Apple iCloud account with the wrong email address would eventually come back and bite me in the ass.

I decided to finally update to 9.3 last night and after it completed, I turned it on to come across a set-up page followed by an Activate iPad page. Which has to be done by entering your iCloud ID and password. The latter of which I do not have. And there is no way to format it, reset it, anything. So now all I have is a seven-inch black paperweight.

Enraged does not even begin to cover what I am right now.

The Headline Of The Day

Boaty McBoatface most popular choice to name $380 million ship

Random Thoughts

Well, it should come as no surprise that my blood work came back fine, with the exception of my absolute lymph count being low. I have no idea what that signifies but apparently it must not be anything serious or I would have [hopefully] heard from the doctor.

I'm really and truly starting to question my sanity at this point, although I have a hard time believing that even my anxiety is powerful enough to LOWER my blood pressure. I'd think it would raise it if anything. Or the BP monitor is not working properly, who knows.

I don't feel as bad I did the other day but I am still feeling kind of crappy. I'm still getting heart palpitations, mostly when I'm standing up for a little bit. And I don't know if I'm having a really bad attack of allergies or a cold, but I'm stuffed up and sneezy and my throat feels irritated.

My FWA had a half day on Thursday and off Friday because it was her brat's birthday. And who comes strolling into work at quarter to eleven on Friday? None other than my FWA and her brat. I swear to God she is the only idiot I know who voluntarily comes into work on her days off. I don't know about anyone else, but when I have a day off I don't want to go anywhere near that hellhole. But we all know the reason why she comes in- she wants to show off her daughter. Because don't you know, she's the first and only person in the world to have a child?

Random Thoughts

Although that Web MD ovulation calculator refused to calculate my results and implied I could possibly not be ovulating....I'd find it hard to say I'm not ovulating right now. I still do not understand why my period is coming a week later every month, though. I can't figure out what could possibly be causing it to come so late anymore.

On Tuesday I felt like crap the whole day in work. My heart was pounding hard and kept doing that thing where it felt like it would stop and then start with a big bang. I was nauseous. I was achy. I came home from work and took my temperature but it was only 96.3. Wednesday morning I woke up for work and while I was in the bathroom, my heart started to really race and I slapped my Fitbit on and watched my heart rate steadily climb as high as 113 BPM. And the higher it climbed the more nauseous I felt and then I started to feel really lightheaded and like I was going to black out, so I went in and woke my mom up and she took my blood pressure and it was something like 83/63. I ended up calling out of work and going back to sleep for a little bit. When I woke up, not long after I got out of bed, my heart started to race again and I felt achy all over and I took my temperature again and it was 98.1. A little later I ended up going to the doctor. Had an EKG and blood work done. Haven't gotten the results on either yet. 

I feel a little better today but not great. My heart is still racing and I still feel somewhat nauseous. I don't know if my body is trying to fight some kind of virus or what is going on. Plus my allergies are bothering me as well.

I stopped taking Miralax on Sunday and have been pretty constipated. My stomach feels horrible. There is never any win. It's either diarrhea or constipation. Never a happy medium.

I'm ready Cemetery Girl by David Bell. It's my third book I've read by him and since the first two were pretty good, I expected this one to be as well. Definitely not the case. I've never hated so many characters in a book as I do in this one. They're all terrible people. If I got to the end of it and they all died in a horrible fiery crash, I'd cheer.

And Here We Go Again

Really?

So much for the early menopause fear being dead and buried forever.

Random Thoughts

So luckily no tornadoes came during that last tornado watch, although we did get some rather nasty storms. This weather is nuts. Yesterday I cleaned about an inch or more of snow off of my car and drove to work in snow and this upcoming week it's going to be in the 70's. What the hell?

And these crazy warm ups that keep popping up are making me very nervous of what kind of weather spring is going to bring. Namely, what kind of severe weather.

Boy, Facebook really knows how to bring out the hateful side of people, doesn't it? My God, some of the things people on my newsfeed post, I'm like whoa, seriously?! And while I know some stupid ass delusional people, I can't believe I actually know anyone stupid and delusional enough to want to vote for Donald Trump. Really- he's trolling us all with his shit, right?

I was exercising earlier and "A Good Sadness" came on and I thought hey, Oracular Spectacular came out in 2007, Congratulations came out in 2010, and MGMT came out in 2013. A new album seems to come out every 3 years. It's time, boys! Time for some new music!

This past week, I reluctantly added another day of taking Prozac, upping my dosage to 6 days a week of 20 mg from 5 days a week of 20 mg. I hope it helps some and doesn't make me gain weight. I also hope it doesn't make me even more apathetic than it's already made me.

Another thing I have noticed since starting the medication is I have gotten even worse with discussing things on my mind. I was kind of bad with discussing problems before, but now I really tend to take everything and just shove it deep down inside of me instead of getting it off my chest.

Or maybe it's because all of a sudden I've become everyone's dumping ground for their problems. I constantly have to hear about what is ailing my mother or how horrible my sister's pregnancy is going or how bad my nephew is being. And the terrible thing is how much I feel like screaming I DON'T CARE to it all. And I feel HORRIBLE feeling that way towards my family, although to be fair it's not just isolated to them. Anytime anyone talks to me in work, or anywhere really for that matter, 90% of the time I feel like screaming I DON'T CARE.

Uh....Winter?

It's February. It's currently 62 degrees out. And we're under a tornado watch until 11PM.

Dafuq is this shit?

Random Thoughts

Boy have I been moody and emotional the past few days. Not sure if it's hormones or what.

My parents came home from the wedding last night and for at least an hour plus, I had to listen to my mother go on and on and on and on about it. I nearly bit my tongue off from biting it so hard to keep from screaming I DON'T CARE I DON'T FUCKING CARE! 

Good thing I wasn't feeling up to doing much anyway. All I ended up doing was going to Popeye's for dinner (ate there by myself and everything- stickers for me!), running to the market, and then planting my ass on the couch and reading the rest of the night.

Words cannot describe how much it annoys me that I am actually letting it bother me that I wasn't invited.

When I was going through my Facebook newsfeed earlier, I saw an article posted by Cracked that referenced "vaping". And several comments were made about how douchey it is. It is douchey. All my coworkers walk around with their stupid little vaping pens, smoking them in the office. I can't tell you how bad I want to take their pens and shove them up where the sun don't shine.

I don't get the point of "vaping" constantly and then going out for several smoke breaks. Isn't the whole point of e-cigs to cut down on smoking or something? I also don't understand why my coworkers think it's okay to smoke them in the office. Take your nasty little habit outside. You might not care about getting cancer but I fucking do.

Random Thoughts

Holy crap, a post two days in a row! To what do we owe this honor?

It's been almost a year since I started taking Prozac. I have noticed somewhat of a positive response to it, but I have also noticed a few negatives. One, I can't remember the last time I actually wanted to have an orgasm or tried to have one. I think one woke me up in the middle of the night a month or so ago, but that's about the last one I remember. And two, I can't even remember the last time I actually genuinely laughed at something. It's not that I have lost my sense of humor, I still find things funny, but I just find that I no longer can actually laugh at anything.

I'm still taking it five days a week and keep contemplating adding another day, but every time I go to do so, I chicken out that if I start to take more of it, I'll gain weight.

And because I don't dislike work enough, now I loathe even more. Last year, a middle-aged lady was hired to work out of our office as a medical assistant for doctors for our sister company that travel to our area. She was originally part time, but a few months ago she was hired full time. And I've hated work even more since she started full time. I've talked about her before- she never fucking shuts up. She'll start talking and talking and talking and talking and jump from one topic to the next. She's completely overwhelming to talk to because she just completely hijacks every goddamn conversation. I almost have full blown anxiety attacks whenever she corners me and talks to me. That's another thing- she corners you and gets within a few inches of you when she talks to you. And that is a big no-no for someone who has intense personal space issues.

Between her excessive talking and constant up and down, I'd almost swear she has some kind of hyperactivity disorder. I've never seen someone get up and fly around an office so much so quickly as she does. She'll leave food and drinks on our break room table and then sit at her desk and get up every so often to go eat or drink whatever she has on the table. I don't understand the purpose of that. Just eat at your fucking desk like a normal person.

She also never listens. There are things she has asked me multiple times and I've given her answers, as well as my coworkers, and then she'll stand there and say no one ever told her that. She's like talking to a fucking wall. And it's always she has a quick question. Nothing is ever quick with her. She always has to go on this long ramble before she finally semi gets to the question. And I say semi because her questions never make any sense so you never really know what she's asking. And every single time, without fail, as soon as she gets an answer, it's always followed by "that's what I thought" or "that's what I was going to do". WAT

But the thing that annoys me the most about her is she is everywhere I goddamn turn. No matter time what I pull up to work, it's almost guaranteed she'll be not far behind. She takes a break the same time I do. Or the same time I used to, seeing as I no longer really take breaks. Oh and now all of a sudden she takes lunch the same time I do. She literally clocks out almost the same time I do. No matter where I go, she is there. I'm starting to feel like I have a fucking stalker.

Random Thoughts

All of that snow we had is almost completely gone. Woo hoo! That was one hell of a blizzard. Thankfully we didn't end up losing any power and I spent most of Saturday watching movies (finally got to sit down and watch Brain Candy again. God do I love that movie). I ended up spending most of that Sunday shoveling. Burned almost 500 calories in doing so. Later on my right shoulder was hurting and I started to worry that I might have tore something, but I was okay in moving it around and everything. Seems to be okay now.

There's talk of another possible storm next week. Hopefully it will stay off the coast.

I just started showing signs of ovulation the other day. More than 4 weeks after the first day of my last period. Which makes me suspect my period is going to come after 40 days again. I don't know what has knocked it out of whack, but it's starting to make me feel really anxious. And tempting thoughts of premature menopause to come back into my brain.

Saturday is my fat bitchy cousin's wedding. Of course it's going to be a beautiful day. And of course my sister and I are not invited. Supposedly because we're only second cousins, but I beg to differ. I don't like that bitch and would rather not have anything to do with her, but I still can't help feeling stung at not being invited (which is pissing me off to no end that I am allowing it to bother me so bad). I've been treated like shit by my second cousins since I was a little kid and I've never done a damn thing to those people to be treated the way I have. Nothing whatsoever. And frankly, my tolerance for being treated like a pariah by them is wearing thin. Very thin.

Random Thoughts

So this actually happened. Just stuck a yard stick out on our deck....21 inches of snow! It's cold and blustery and just all around miserable. The shore areas are getting insane flooding, some areas apparently worse than when Sandy hit.

I'm Ready! (Maybe)

So the weekend is finally almost here and it looks like I won't be doing anything, because "Winter Storm Jonas" is coming to town. And I'm in the zone expected to get anywhere from 12-18 inches. I'm ready in some sense. We have food, I have plenty of diet Coke, I have a hunk of carrot cake in the freezer. But I'm starting to feel panicky at the thought of being in and not being able to get out. I'm also starting to feel panicky at the thought of the power going out.

But on the plus side, at least it's happening when I don't have to worry about driving into work.

WTH

Yesterday it occurred to me that it was 10 years to the day since I was hospitalized (when you're someone like me, you don't forget the day you were forced to "voluntarily" commit yourself to a psychiatric hospital, especially when said day is none other than Friday the 13th). Ten years! It's been an entire freaking decade! How is that even possible? It still feels like it was just yesterday.

It still feels like yesterday that I made the terrible decision to quit Effexor cold turkey. Oh I thought I would be fine, that I'd be able to handle it. No, instead I sent myself into a deep terrible place complete with  godawful side effects that I still to this day don't know how I managed to get through without attempting suicide. And dropping my anatomy lab despite having an A average because I had myself so terrified I'd fail. Or going on Wellbutrin and feeling okay for a little bit and then doing a complete 180 and having myself convinced that I had MS and I couldn't shake the thought that I just wanted to lock myself in a running car and asphyxiate myself on CO.

Ugh. I wish there was a way to physically delete these memories out of my brain.

On another note, I really want a brownie sundae right now.

Random Thoughts

So it appears my period is finally coming. It's only about a week late. Thank God this didn't happen back during when I was freaking out and thinking I was going through early menopause or I probably would have ended up in the nuthouse.

I'm starting to see more and more holiday things disappearing and I am feeling the post-holiday blues more and more and the dread of long cold winter days and nights. 

And now it's that time of the year where it's just weeks and weeks of work and no holiday until Memorial Day weekend, minus any PTO I might take. I don't understand why we get no holidays whatsoever until then. At least give us Good Friday or something.

So I go back to work this past Tuesday and find out that the holiday party was actually that day. I swore it was on Wednesday, but when I pulled up my email, sure enough it was scheduled for the 29th. I felt like such an asshat. I was the only one who didn't participate in the Pollyanna thing, although judging by the gifts some people bought, I certainly didn't miss out on anything.

I'm so over the people in that place. It's not a good sign when you'd rather be nailed by an 18-wheeler than have to look at those people every day.