40 Of The Most Powerful Photographs Ever Taken
Wow.
Do you know I am surprised is not on there? The photo from 9/11 of the three firemen raising the flag at Ground Zero. I think that is a very powerful picture. Almost every time I see that picture, I am overwhelmed with emotion.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Random Thoughts
You know, I know my mind tends to worry over ridiculous things, but lately, it seems like it is getting even more ridiculous. I received a letter from unemployment informing me I have to report to what will more than likely turn out to be another worthless seminar next week. I am annoyed, because every time I am scheduled for these, I hope that maybe I will get some kind of worthwhile information out of them. But do you know what has me the most annoyed? It's scheduled at 1:00PM and I always eat lunch at 1:30PM.
Last night, when I was trying to fall asleep, I think I spent about 40 minutes or more worrying about how I am going to work eating out lunch while I am on vacation and what I will be able to take. Who worries about this stuff?! This dumbass, that's who!
I have to return books to the library this week. I am stressing over that. Don't know why. I am stressing over vacation. I am stressing over the long ass drive, how much weight I am going to gain, how many meals I am going to get screwed over at*, how hot it is going to be, whether I am going to experience any orthostatic hypotension spells, what if I faint....I could go on forever.
*my sister and her husband have a tendency to be tightwads about meal bills; they will only pay what they owe unless they benefit from splitting the bill. I am a very cheap eater and I never benefit from splitting a bill. Now don't get me wrong, I generally don't mind splitting the bill, especially with my parents. But when it comes to my sister, that is a whole other story.
I've been all over the place before with my emotions, but this is getting ridiculous. I feel like my emotions are being pulled in a million directions, I can't even function properly anymore. Almost every night, I get irritated with my mother and wish she would go to bed sooner so I can be myself, only to find that when she does I am depressed being up by myself. She keeps irritating me so much and at the same time, I want to scream because I know one day I am not going to have her around and I don't know how I will deal when that day comes. I can't even deal with the thought of it. And it's the same thing with all of my loved ones, but more my mother than anything.
When we were driving down the shore, "Siberian Breaks" came up on my iPod right about when we were close to Wildwood and I was already kind of emotional and overwhelmed from my sister throwing a fit at me, and when it got to 4:55, I was so overcome with emotion, it was ridiculous, and all I could think was, "I want to be dead; I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. It's never going to get better and I wish everyone would just stop bullshitting me".
I don't know how much more of this emotional rollercoaster I can deal with. I wish one person, just one, would convince me with a good enough reason of why it's all worth it.
A thought occured to me earlier- I wonder how would an artist feel if they were told a song of theirs meant the difference between life and death to someone? That by listening to that particular song, it kept the person from harming themselves? Would they be freaked out? I think I would be touched (and I would probably get very emotional that I was able to help someone).
Hm. Too bad I will probably never get the chance to tell any artists that their music has kept me from doing something stupid too many times to count.
Last night, when I was trying to fall asleep, I think I spent about 40 minutes or more worrying about how I am going to work eating out lunch while I am on vacation and what I will be able to take. Who worries about this stuff?! This dumbass, that's who!
I have to return books to the library this week. I am stressing over that. Don't know why. I am stressing over vacation. I am stressing over the long ass drive, how much weight I am going to gain, how many meals I am going to get screwed over at*, how hot it is going to be, whether I am going to experience any orthostatic hypotension spells, what if I faint....I could go on forever.
*my sister and her husband have a tendency to be tightwads about meal bills; they will only pay what they owe unless they benefit from splitting the bill. I am a very cheap eater and I never benefit from splitting a bill. Now don't get me wrong, I generally don't mind splitting the bill, especially with my parents. But when it comes to my sister, that is a whole other story.
I've been all over the place before with my emotions, but this is getting ridiculous. I feel like my emotions are being pulled in a million directions, I can't even function properly anymore. Almost every night, I get irritated with my mother and wish she would go to bed sooner so I can be myself, only to find that when she does I am depressed being up by myself. She keeps irritating me so much and at the same time, I want to scream because I know one day I am not going to have her around and I don't know how I will deal when that day comes. I can't even deal with the thought of it. And it's the same thing with all of my loved ones, but more my mother than anything.
When we were driving down the shore, "Siberian Breaks" came up on my iPod right about when we were close to Wildwood and I was already kind of emotional and overwhelmed from my sister throwing a fit at me, and when it got to 4:55, I was so overcome with emotion, it was ridiculous, and all I could think was, "I want to be dead; I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. It's never going to get better and I wish everyone would just stop bullshitting me".
I don't know how much more of this emotional rollercoaster I can deal with. I wish one person, just one, would convince me with a good enough reason of why it's all worth it.
A thought occured to me earlier- I wonder how would an artist feel if they were told a song of theirs meant the difference between life and death to someone? That by listening to that particular song, it kept the person from harming themselves? Would they be freaked out? I think I would be touched (and I would probably get very emotional that I was able to help someone).
Hm. Too bad I will probably never get the chance to tell any artists that their music has kept me from doing something stupid too many times to count.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Video Of The Day
I keep hearing this song on Music Choice Alternative. I sang it to the dog the last time I heard it. What? It's so damn catchy.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Random Thoughts
I hope everyone's Memorial Day weekend is going well. Spending it with family. Unlike me.
Yesterday had the potential to be a really great day. Until my sister had to throw a hissy fit over the fact that I had on the top she wanted to wear because she was having a fat day and it was the only thing she was comfortable in, and I refused to change. I had it on first. And the princess couldn't get her way, so she threw a fit. I wasn't dealing with her attitude, so I walked out of her house. My mom came storming out a few minutes later (you know my sister was being ridiculous when even my mom was taking my side in this). Eventually she came out (probably after bad-mouthing us to all holy hell to her husband) and we went down the shore for the day.
Then some of the bullshit I had to listen to when we were on the boardwalk from her.....I don't think I have ever wanted to knock my sister on her ass as much as I want to right now. I have been so aggravated and I am still grinding my teeth, because I am itching to get into a massive fight with her. First she was telling me about a coworker who was in a wedding, and apparently the bridesmaids all put together and paid for the bride to have her hair and make-up done. My sister made some comment to her co-worker that oh that must have been nice (sarcastically), because her bridesmaid didn't do anything like that for her. She claims the dig wasn't at me, but rather at the other two, particularly the one who has been in a wedding before and had her own. You know what? I cannot find anything that says the bridesmaids have to do that.
She made some other snide comments about the wedding, but claims none of them were directed at me. But then she had to go and make some dig at me that she was worried I was going to be a bitch at the bachelorette party and the day of the wedding. Why any of this is coming up over a year later, I don't even understand. Especially since she got into a fight with one of the bridesmaids (the drunk obnoxious one) and got upset when the bridesmaid threw something about the wedding back in her face.
While we are speaking of the wedding, that reminds me of how she behaved at her bridal shower. She was pissed because she was sick and feeling really lousy. And then did nothing but bitch about how the shower was run. Right. Because we knew when we booked the shower back in the early fall that she was going to get sick that particular weekend in Ferbruary.
But the one that pissed me off the most- especially because I really wanted to lay into her about it, but I couldn't start a fight in the middle of the boardwalk- was when she was complaining about my grandparents not giving her a first anniversary card. Which yeah, I agree is really out of the ordinary for them. But then she says that she really hopes they are planning on giving her money towards her new house, because after all her grandmother-in-law is giving them money. I was stunned. I wanted to turn to her and say, "EXCUSE ME? You expect our grandparents who live in a very fixed income to just give you money?! Who the fuck do you think you are?! "
Apparently I am just itching to get into a fight with anyone today, because I almost started one with my mother earlier over not inviting my grandparents over. But my sister is more the one I want to go after than anything. My sister has always had the princess mentality, but boy is she getting worse. I just cannot believe the gall of her to expect our grandparents to give her money. Her grandmother-in-law has money. My grandparents do not. And I am so angry at her (and even madder that I could not start a fight with her) that if she comes over and says one wrong thing, I am going to absolutely blow. I am not in the mood for her (or anyone's, really) shit today.
You know it's bad when I broke down crying in the bathroom earlier because I wish I had medical so I could go to the hospital. I am not particularly thinking of harming myself (just the general I wish I could kill myself, but I have no plan) but I need to get away for at least a week.
Yesterday had the potential to be a really great day. Until my sister had to throw a hissy fit over the fact that I had on the top she wanted to wear because she was having a fat day and it was the only thing she was comfortable in, and I refused to change. I had it on first. And the princess couldn't get her way, so she threw a fit. I wasn't dealing with her attitude, so I walked out of her house. My mom came storming out a few minutes later (you know my sister was being ridiculous when even my mom was taking my side in this). Eventually she came out (probably after bad-mouthing us to all holy hell to her husband) and we went down the shore for the day.
Then some of the bullshit I had to listen to when we were on the boardwalk from her.....I don't think I have ever wanted to knock my sister on her ass as much as I want to right now. I have been so aggravated and I am still grinding my teeth, because I am itching to get into a massive fight with her. First she was telling me about a coworker who was in a wedding, and apparently the bridesmaids all put together and paid for the bride to have her hair and make-up done. My sister made some comment to her co-worker that oh that must have been nice (sarcastically), because her bridesmaid didn't do anything like that for her. She claims the dig wasn't at me, but rather at the other two, particularly the one who has been in a wedding before and had her own. You know what? I cannot find anything that says the bridesmaids have to do that.
She made some other snide comments about the wedding, but claims none of them were directed at me. But then she had to go and make some dig at me that she was worried I was going to be a bitch at the bachelorette party and the day of the wedding. Why any of this is coming up over a year later, I don't even understand. Especially since she got into a fight with one of the bridesmaids (the drunk obnoxious one) and got upset when the bridesmaid threw something about the wedding back in her face.
While we are speaking of the wedding, that reminds me of how she behaved at her bridal shower. She was pissed because she was sick and feeling really lousy. And then did nothing but bitch about how the shower was run. Right. Because we knew when we booked the shower back in the early fall that she was going to get sick that particular weekend in Ferbruary.
But the one that pissed me off the most- especially because I really wanted to lay into her about it, but I couldn't start a fight in the middle of the boardwalk- was when she was complaining about my grandparents not giving her a first anniversary card. Which yeah, I agree is really out of the ordinary for them. But then she says that she really hopes they are planning on giving her money towards her new house, because after all her grandmother-in-law is giving them money. I was stunned. I wanted to turn to her and say, "EXCUSE ME? You expect our grandparents who live in a very fixed income to just give you money?! Who the fuck do you think you are?! "
Apparently I am just itching to get into a fight with anyone today, because I almost started one with my mother earlier over not inviting my grandparents over. But my sister is more the one I want to go after than anything. My sister has always had the princess mentality, but boy is she getting worse. I just cannot believe the gall of her to expect our grandparents to give her money. Her grandmother-in-law has money. My grandparents do not. And I am so angry at her (and even madder that I could not start a fight with her) that if she comes over and says one wrong thing, I am going to absolutely blow. I am not in the mood for her (or anyone's, really) shit today.
You know it's bad when I broke down crying in the bathroom earlier because I wish I had medical so I could go to the hospital. I am not particularly thinking of harming myself (just the general I wish I could kill myself, but I have no plan) but I need to get away for at least a week.
Bored Anal Retentive Bitch Problems
Cheesus, I am tired beyond belief. Yet I am so wired and aggravated from today (long story; too tired to talk about right now). I am grinding my teeth to all holy hell. I've gone though three [very loud] rounds of "Siberian Breaks" to try and get sleepy and it just isn't happening.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Random Thoughts
Boy, am I cranky as anything. I don't even know why. I actually woke up in a good mood and have been relatively pleasant all day. And then suddenly, something crawled up my ass. Kind of like that bug that was up Icky Vicki's ass in The Fairly Oddparents.
Man, that was a great show. Before Poof came along, that is.
Actually, I think I got cranky after my sister asked my mother if anyone else was being invited to our itty bitty cookout on Sunday and she said no. Meaning she is not even going to bother inviting my grandparents and aunt. She just lets my father win all the time. And I know, I just know, if anything happens to my grandparents, my mother is going to whine that she is sorry she never said the hell with my father and just invited them. It makes me so damn angry.
It was bad enough that I was never allowed to go anywhere with them when I was little. My father forbidded us to go with them down the shore, or stay over their house, or whatever. And if that didn't make things shitty enough, he told my mother that if anything ever happened to us, he would hold her accountable. This from the same man that didn't even care if he had kids. Who said when my mother found out that she was pregnant with me that he doesn't know if he could love another child as much as my sister. When my mother told me the story about my father saying he would never let her live it down if anything happened to us- in addition to the story that if my mother ever tried to leave him, he would tell a judge that she was an unfit mother- I wanted to punch my father repeatedly in the face. How dare he even THINK of trying to use my sister and me against my mother. And how dare he try to say my mother was an unfit parent.
And then there was a time period where I was finally starting to get to see them more. Up until last year, for some unknown reason. And now it's the same shit all over again. My grandparents are in their 80's. I don't know how much more time I have with them.
And I wonder why I have so many fucking issues?
I-476 reopened late Friday after truck fire | 6abc.com
Frozen french fries? Did they cook in that fire? Why do tractor trailers carrying the funniest things always crash? I heard about a tractor trailer accident a few months ago and obviously the accident itself wasn't funny, but when the news revealed what the cargo was, I think I laughed for about 15 minutes. I can't remember what it was, though. Dammit.
Speaking of tractor trailers, I almost witnessed someone get rear-ended by one on Thursday. Luckily, the truck driver was able to stop in time, although he was smoking all over the place from slamming the brakes so hard. My heart was in my throat, especially since the truck driver swerved into our lane and we were just getting over into the right hand lane. I swear, if I had seen someone get nailed by a tractor trailer, I would never get in a car again.
7-Eleven Opens Thousands Of New Stores, Aims For World Domination
Alright! Who doesn't want world domination?! I like 7-11. You should see the big ass diet Coke I can get for about $1.60. The Double Gulp, I think it's called. It's about 54 oz. I also live in the land of Wawa, which is also awesome, but I can get a bigger soda at 7-11 for a cheaper price.
Man, that was a great show. Before Poof came along, that is.
Actually, I think I got cranky after my sister asked my mother if anyone else was being invited to our itty bitty cookout on Sunday and she said no. Meaning she is not even going to bother inviting my grandparents and aunt. She just lets my father win all the time. And I know, I just know, if anything happens to my grandparents, my mother is going to whine that she is sorry she never said the hell with my father and just invited them. It makes me so damn angry.
It was bad enough that I was never allowed to go anywhere with them when I was little. My father forbidded us to go with them down the shore, or stay over their house, or whatever. And if that didn't make things shitty enough, he told my mother that if anything ever happened to us, he would hold her accountable. This from the same man that didn't even care if he had kids. Who said when my mother found out that she was pregnant with me that he doesn't know if he could love another child as much as my sister. When my mother told me the story about my father saying he would never let her live it down if anything happened to us- in addition to the story that if my mother ever tried to leave him, he would tell a judge that she was an unfit mother- I wanted to punch my father repeatedly in the face. How dare he even THINK of trying to use my sister and me against my mother. And how dare he try to say my mother was an unfit parent.
And then there was a time period where I was finally starting to get to see them more. Up until last year, for some unknown reason. And now it's the same shit all over again. My grandparents are in their 80's. I don't know how much more time I have with them.
And I wonder why I have so many fucking issues?
I-476 reopened late Friday after truck fire | 6abc.com
Frozen french fries? Did they cook in that fire? Why do tractor trailers carrying the funniest things always crash? I heard about a tractor trailer accident a few months ago and obviously the accident itself wasn't funny, but when the news revealed what the cargo was, I think I laughed for about 15 minutes. I can't remember what it was, though. Dammit.
Speaking of tractor trailers, I almost witnessed someone get rear-ended by one on Thursday. Luckily, the truck driver was able to stop in time, although he was smoking all over the place from slamming the brakes so hard. My heart was in my throat, especially since the truck driver swerved into our lane and we were just getting over into the right hand lane. I swear, if I had seen someone get nailed by a tractor trailer, I would never get in a car again.
7-Eleven Opens Thousands Of New Stores, Aims For World Domination
Alright! Who doesn't want world domination?! I like 7-11. You should see the big ass diet Coke I can get for about $1.60. The Double Gulp, I think it's called. It's about 54 oz. I also live in the land of Wawa, which is also awesome, but I can get a bigger soda at 7-11 for a cheaper price.
Friday, May 25, 2012
The Headline Of The Day
Cat Divorce: Israeli Man Divorces Wife Over Her 550 Cats
Yikes! Five hundred and fifty cats?! That's not taking "crazy cat lady" to a whole other level. That's taking "crazy cat lady" to whole new freaking universe!
I almost peed myself laughing at this part "they blocked the entrance to the bathroom, swarmed the kitchen, and stalked him at mealtime by stealing his food off the table".
Yikes! Five hundred and fifty cats?! That's not taking "crazy cat lady" to a whole other level. That's taking "crazy cat lady" to whole new freaking universe!
I almost peed myself laughing at this part "they blocked the entrance to the bathroom, swarmed the kitchen, and stalked him at mealtime by stealing his food off the table".
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Bored Anal Retentive Bitch Problems
I swear....if I never have to be unemployed again in my life, it will be absolutely fantastic.
I wish I had an angry dome right about now. Especially after reading this:
So What Has Brad From LFO Been Up To These Days? | Dlisted
STFU, LFO. Not everything that is done at Planned Parenthood is an abortion. But I guess you would not know that, considering you are a man and therefore have no uterus. Go back to screwing your girls (or dudes) that wear Abercrombie & Fitch. Douchebags.
I wish I had an angry dome right about now. Especially after reading this:
So What Has Brad From LFO Been Up To These Days? | Dlisted
STFU, LFO. Not everything that is done at Planned Parenthood is an abortion. But I guess you would not know that, considering you are a man and therefore have no uterus. Go back to screwing your girls (or dudes) that wear Abercrombie & Fitch. Douchebags.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Random Thoughts
I never seem to remember my dreams much anymore, unless they are incredibly embarrassing or terrifying, but for some reason, while I was in the midst of brushing my teeth, I remembered my dream last night. In my dream, for some bizarre reason, I happened to notice I had a copy of One Direction's CD from the library and it was ridiculously overdue and at first I thought, eh, I'm too lazy to take it back today, but then thought, oh I guess better take it back before the rabid OD fans come after me with pitchforks and torches and burn down my house.
I heard some story earlier on the news about some bitch from NJ (god, just keep embarrassing yourself, NJ; we don't have a bad enough reputation as it is) who is claiming she was fired from her job for being too hot. I almost laughed my ass off at her. Hot? I don't think so. She ugly! She looks like Baby Spice beaten with an ugly stick and then stuck in a tanning booth. And then the news goes on to say that Gloria Allred was representing her or something and....well, I won't even give my opinion on that bitch. She makes me want to shank someone.
Then again, I suppose it must be nice to have that much self-confidence and appreciation of yourself. It must be nice to be able to look in the mirror and like what you see, instead of wanting to smash it with your bare hands and then shoot it with a .45.
I was sitting and thinking last night about how much I want to be in a relationship with someone, but that right now it just is not a possibility. As much as I want to, I would be playing with fire giving my heart to someone. But being alone is breaking my heart. Where do I win in this?
It also occured to me last night that if anyone in my family ever forced me to go to the hospital, that any amount of trust I have left in my body, would be gone. And it does not even matter if admitting me to the hospital would make the difference between life or death. I would never be able to trust my family or anyone ever again.
I heard some story earlier on the news about some bitch from NJ (god, just keep embarrassing yourself, NJ; we don't have a bad enough reputation as it is) who is claiming she was fired from her job for being too hot. I almost laughed my ass off at her. Hot? I don't think so. She ugly! She looks like Baby Spice beaten with an ugly stick and then stuck in a tanning booth. And then the news goes on to say that Gloria Allred was representing her or something and....well, I won't even give my opinion on that bitch. She makes me want to shank someone.
Then again, I suppose it must be nice to have that much self-confidence and appreciation of yourself. It must be nice to be able to look in the mirror and like what you see, instead of wanting to smash it with your bare hands and then shoot it with a .45.
I was sitting and thinking last night about how much I want to be in a relationship with someone, but that right now it just is not a possibility. As much as I want to, I would be playing with fire giving my heart to someone. But being alone is breaking my heart. Where do I win in this?
It also occured to me last night that if anyone in my family ever forced me to go to the hospital, that any amount of trust I have left in my body, would be gone. And it does not even matter if admitting me to the hospital would make the difference between life or death. I would never be able to trust my family or anyone ever again.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Quote Of The Day
I have American Dad on, and it's the "Rapture's Delight" episode, and more than 5 minutes ago, this line was said, and I am still giggling uncontrollably at it:
Terry: Authorities confirm the total number of Raptured at 142 million. You may notice that my partner Greg isn't here, that's because he was Raptured. Apparently, God does love gays but only if they're 'tops'.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Quote Of The Day
One of the best lines from Kicking & Screaming; can't believe I never posted this before:
Phil: I am angry! I-I'm spitting angry! I'm like a tornado full of anger, swirling about! My heart rate is dangerously high right now!
Random Thoughts
Can I hit myself for eating so bad this weekend? I went to Friendly's for lunch on Friday (whom I may be breaking up with again; who? whom? why is it I did my 12 years of school, 29 credits of college and I still cannot get the hang of who vs. whom?) and I wasn't going to eat dinner, but then I ended up eating pizza for dinner. Saturday I went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. My lower left side hurts like all holy hell. I feel like I am pregnant. Goddamn me for being so stupid! *cries*
And not only do I feel horrible physically from overeating, but I feel guilty for overeating.
I am also annoyed with myself because for the past few days, I have been self-pitying on a very unhealthy level. It does not help that I just saw something earlier that exacerbated it. And it pisses me off that I am actually allowing something like this to make me feel bad. It's so ridiculous! I feel so fucking stupid! Someone my age should not get upset over something like this. How can you know that what you're feeling is irrational, yet still feel it?
I also have to keep reminding myself, particularly when I start thinking of harming myself in response to this, that IT WILL NOT MATTER ONE DAY. I went through something sort of similar before, and while the hurt felt like it was never going to end (it took 7 fucking months to go away), it did eventually end. And now I could care less.
I was laying in bed the other night and I was thinking about how when I was created, something got seriously fucked up. Parts are missing, parts are not functioning properly, too many of certain parts. And then I started running through everything that is wrong:
- I have no idea how to be in love with another person
- I have no idea how to empathize or sympathize properly. I either do it when I shouldn't or I don't do it when I should. Or I do it when I should, but just do not do it properly.
- I have no idea how to grieve properly. It should not take someone years to finally be able to cry over someone's death.
- I feel guilty over everything
- I cry over everything
- I flip out over the most ridiculous things
- I get jealous over the stupidest, most embarrassing things
- I have no ambition, mostly because I have just about given up on life
- I don't care about other people's problems, but expect everyone to care about mine (although I think everyone brushing off mine was what lead to this)
- I am fine with someone until they do something I perceive as annoying or stupid, and then I dislike them immensely, although it never lasts for long and then I am fine with them again
- I find fault in everyone
- I misconstrue everything as an attack on me somehow
- I immediately consider self-harm when someone attacks me
- I let people walk all over me
- I have no idea how to stand up for myself
- I have too short of a temper
- I always worry too much about not hurting other people rather than worrying about my well-being
- I get embarrassed and feel stupid too easily
- I am almost completely incapable of discussing my problems with other people
- I am too easily influenced with my feelings. If someone came up to me right now and told me I was fat, I would believe them, despite the fact that my weight is in a healthy weight range.
- I am completely incapable of making the simplest decisions. Deciding what to eat for lunch stresses me out to the point that I lose my patience and snap out on people. Just imagine the level of difficulty in making decisions like what to pursue a career in. It's nearly impossible. Why do I have such a difficult time making decisions? I really have no idea.
I could be here forever. And one thing I really cannot tolerate is how I constantly feel like my emotions are being pulled in a million directions at one time. It makes no sense to worry so much about something happening to a loved one to the point that you want to projectile vomit repeatedly while simultaneously hating them and wishing they would leave you alone. I want things, but then when I get them, I do not want them anymore.
When we were at Friendly's on Friday, they had CNN on the TV and a report came on about that young lady who contracted the flesh eating virus. I told my mother and my sister that if something like that ever happened to me, I do not want any amputations. And they were kind of confused at first, and I said "it means I would rather die". They started to give me a hard time about it and I just kept saying "no, I would rather die". And I would. Maybe someone else could be fine with it, but I know I would not be. A leg or foot or left arm or left hand, okay, yeah maybe. Anything more than that....no. This is why I want an advanced directive.
No one knows how much time I have spent obsessing over this fear. It is one of my biggest fears.
And if I had thought about it, I would have said "oh, and who would plan on taking care of me?". That would have shut them both up. After all, we are not my sister's responsibility. Which is true, yes, but the fact that we always have to drop everything to cater to her when she is sick or needs help with something. Look at last year, when my parents and I went down the shore for the weekend- she wasn't feeling good and her husband was off with his band, and she was pissed that no one stayed home to stay with her. I was like are you for real? You are a 31 year-old nurse who is now married. And she is moving soon and who is doing all of the packing with her? My mom and me. Not her husband, not her in-laws. Just the two of us. This is what I am talking about. Everyone, particularly my parents, just drops everything to cater to her all the time. She wants something done, my parents help her. She wants to go somewhere, my parents take her if hubby can't. I honestly believe that if she had said she was the one that wanted to go to Musikfest, my parents would have taken us. And they wonder why she is such a fucking princess.
Also on Friday, we were helping my sister pack up things to move and my sister and I were sitting in the living room when we heard stuff fall and slide across the floor in the spare bedroom, where my mom was working on packing. So I got up and went in to see what happened, only to find my mother on the floor on her side with her eyes closed. And when I said "Mom?", she didn't respond. I was about to freak out. And them my sister came in and same thing. Then finally she responded. I don't know if she had just been stunned from falling or was just being a drama queen, because she wasn't knocked out or anything to not respond. But it scared the hell out of me. I got really bad pains across my stomach and I started to feel like I was going to black out and had to go sit down.
And then of course, I started to get upset at feeling so bad and immediately "OMG it's Addison's" popped into my head, that not producing enough cortisol lead to the horrible feeling. I am starting to believe that this fear is never going to go away. Oddly enough, earlier after I saw the thing that made me feel bad, I thought god, sometimes I wish I did have it.
And not only do I feel horrible physically from overeating, but I feel guilty for overeating.
I am also annoyed with myself because for the past few days, I have been self-pitying on a very unhealthy level. It does not help that I just saw something earlier that exacerbated it. And it pisses me off that I am actually allowing something like this to make me feel bad. It's so ridiculous! I feel so fucking stupid! Someone my age should not get upset over something like this. How can you know that what you're feeling is irrational, yet still feel it?
I also have to keep reminding myself, particularly when I start thinking of harming myself in response to this, that IT WILL NOT MATTER ONE DAY. I went through something sort of similar before, and while the hurt felt like it was never going to end (it took 7 fucking months to go away), it did eventually end. And now I could care less.
I was laying in bed the other night and I was thinking about how when I was created, something got seriously fucked up. Parts are missing, parts are not functioning properly, too many of certain parts. And then I started running through everything that is wrong:
- I have no idea how to be in love with another person
- I have no idea how to empathize or sympathize properly. I either do it when I shouldn't or I don't do it when I should. Or I do it when I should, but just do not do it properly.
- I have no idea how to grieve properly. It should not take someone years to finally be able to cry over someone's death.
- I feel guilty over everything
- I cry over everything
- I flip out over the most ridiculous things
- I get jealous over the stupidest, most embarrassing things
- I have no ambition, mostly because I have just about given up on life
- I don't care about other people's problems, but expect everyone to care about mine (although I think everyone brushing off mine was what lead to this)
- I am fine with someone until they do something I perceive as annoying or stupid, and then I dislike them immensely, although it never lasts for long and then I am fine with them again
- I find fault in everyone
- I misconstrue everything as an attack on me somehow
- I immediately consider self-harm when someone attacks me
- I let people walk all over me
- I have no idea how to stand up for myself
- I have too short of a temper
- I always worry too much about not hurting other people rather than worrying about my well-being
- I get embarrassed and feel stupid too easily
- I am almost completely incapable of discussing my problems with other people
- I am too easily influenced with my feelings. If someone came up to me right now and told me I was fat, I would believe them, despite the fact that my weight is in a healthy weight range.
- I am completely incapable of making the simplest decisions. Deciding what to eat for lunch stresses me out to the point that I lose my patience and snap out on people. Just imagine the level of difficulty in making decisions like what to pursue a career in. It's nearly impossible. Why do I have such a difficult time making decisions? I really have no idea.
I could be here forever. And one thing I really cannot tolerate is how I constantly feel like my emotions are being pulled in a million directions at one time. It makes no sense to worry so much about something happening to a loved one to the point that you want to projectile vomit repeatedly while simultaneously hating them and wishing they would leave you alone. I want things, but then when I get them, I do not want them anymore.
When we were at Friendly's on Friday, they had CNN on the TV and a report came on about that young lady who contracted the flesh eating virus. I told my mother and my sister that if something like that ever happened to me, I do not want any amputations. And they were kind of confused at first, and I said "it means I would rather die". They started to give me a hard time about it and I just kept saying "no, I would rather die". And I would. Maybe someone else could be fine with it, but I know I would not be. A leg or foot or left arm or left hand, okay, yeah maybe. Anything more than that....no. This is why I want an advanced directive.
No one knows how much time I have spent obsessing over this fear. It is one of my biggest fears.
And if I had thought about it, I would have said "oh, and who would plan on taking care of me?". That would have shut them both up. After all, we are not my sister's responsibility. Which is true, yes, but the fact that we always have to drop everything to cater to her when she is sick or needs help with something. Look at last year, when my parents and I went down the shore for the weekend- she wasn't feeling good and her husband was off with his band, and she was pissed that no one stayed home to stay with her. I was like are you for real? You are a 31 year-old nurse who is now married. And she is moving soon and who is doing all of the packing with her? My mom and me. Not her husband, not her in-laws. Just the two of us. This is what I am talking about. Everyone, particularly my parents, just drops everything to cater to her all the time. She wants something done, my parents help her. She wants to go somewhere, my parents take her if hubby can't. I honestly believe that if she had said she was the one that wanted to go to Musikfest, my parents would have taken us. And they wonder why she is such a fucking princess.
Also on Friday, we were helping my sister pack up things to move and my sister and I were sitting in the living room when we heard stuff fall and slide across the floor in the spare bedroom, where my mom was working on packing. So I got up and went in to see what happened, only to find my mother on the floor on her side with her eyes closed. And when I said "Mom?", she didn't respond. I was about to freak out. And them my sister came in and same thing. Then finally she responded. I don't know if she had just been stunned from falling or was just being a drama queen, because she wasn't knocked out or anything to not respond. But it scared the hell out of me. I got really bad pains across my stomach and I started to feel like I was going to black out and had to go sit down.
And then of course, I started to get upset at feeling so bad and immediately "OMG it's Addison's" popped into my head, that not producing enough cortisol lead to the horrible feeling. I am starting to believe that this fear is never going to go away. Oddly enough, earlier after I saw the thing that made me feel bad, I thought god, sometimes I wish I did have it.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Do It! Do It Now!
The Great Bonnaroo Bracket - Radio 104.5
As if I have to tell you what to do here.
I went through the gallery of pictures and it's not often I will actually say "Andrew, what the FUCK are you wearing", because generally I just brush off whatever he is wearing, but this made me say it. And it pains me to say anything negative about him, but it's also one of those pictures where I wonder if people are on to something when they make remarks about his hygiene, because frankly, he looks like he may stink to high heaven. The outfit itself is fine; I mean, I am about to run to Wal-Fart in a few minutes and I have basically the same outfit on (dear God, I hope I don't end up on People of Wal-Mart, although compared to what I usually see at Wal-Fart, I will look like a supermodel), except mine does not look like it smells, my t-shirt is blue, and my pants have Homer Simpson on them. But then you look at Ben, all nice in a suit and tie, not to mention it looks like they are at an awards show, and it's like what in the hell. It looks like Ben was walking along and decided to pick up some random homeless person off the streets.
ETA 5/21: Ixnay on the voting. They were voted out.
I'm kind of surprised at this. I'm not a fan, but I do like some of Florence & the Machine's music and I think Florence is very talented, although she does seem to have a bit of a booze issue. But beating out MGMT? Especially by such a large percentage? Just kind of blows my mind.
As if I have to tell you what to do here.
I went through the gallery of pictures and it's not often I will actually say "Andrew, what the FUCK are you wearing", because generally I just brush off whatever he is wearing, but this made me say it. And it pains me to say anything negative about him, but it's also one of those pictures where I wonder if people are on to something when they make remarks about his hygiene, because frankly, he looks like he may stink to high heaven. The outfit itself is fine; I mean, I am about to run to Wal-Fart in a few minutes and I have basically the same outfit on (dear God, I hope I don't end up on People of Wal-Mart, although compared to what I usually see at Wal-Fart, I will look like a supermodel), except mine does not look like it smells, my t-shirt is blue, and my pants have Homer Simpson on them. But then you look at Ben, all nice in a suit and tie, not to mention it looks like they are at an awards show, and it's like what in the hell. It looks like Ben was walking along and decided to pick up some random homeless person off the streets.
ETA 5/21: Ixnay on the voting. They were voted out.
I'm kind of surprised at this. I'm not a fan, but I do like some of Florence & the Machine's music and I think Florence is very talented, although she does seem to have a bit of a booze issue. But beating out MGMT? Especially by such a large percentage? Just kind of blows my mind.
The Disturbing Post Of The Day
More than meets the blue eye: You may all be related - USATODAY.com
*runs quickly through list in head of all crushes*
I'd say roughly about 99% of all of the crushes I have had in my life- that I remember- are blue-eyed. I'm blue-eyed. So I am supposedly related to all of my past and present crushes?
*runs quickly through list in head of all crushes*
I'd say roughly about 99% of all of the crushes I have had in my life- that I remember- are blue-eyed. I'm blue-eyed. So I am supposedly related to all of my past and present crushes?
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Video Of The Day
I knew I would eventually grow to really like this song, although I have to admit I did not expect it to grow on me as much as it did. I don't know what the deal is with this video, whether it was just made by the user who posted it to Youtube. I don't think MGMT made it, but who knows. Kind of freaks me out a bit, but the song is just so amazing, it overrides all of the freakiness:
4:55 to 8:22.....god. Just absolutely incredible.
4:55 to 8:22.....god. Just absolutely incredible.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
The Awesome Of The Day
Puppy falls from the sky and into the arms of a family - Yahoo!
Do you know what I would do if that happened to me? First I would barf massive amounts of rainbows. Then I would cry and kiss the puppy (imagine Ron Burgundy when he gets Baxter back at the end of the movie) for about 40 minutes. But in all seriousness, that is a great story. I mean, not the whole hawk carrying the puppy part, but that it was saved.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some un-Slightly Short of Sane tears to shed.
Do you know what I would do if that happened to me? First I would barf massive amounts of rainbows. Then I would cry and kiss the puppy (imagine Ron Burgundy when he gets Baxter back at the end of the movie) for about 40 minutes. But in all seriousness, that is a great story. I mean, not the whole hawk carrying the puppy part, but that it was saved.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some un-Slightly Short of Sane tears to shed.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
The Stupid Of The Day
N.J. Man Sues Walmart For $1 Million Over Intercom Prank
"severe and disabling emotional and psychological harm"? Are you for real? You know, I could think of a million things in my life that have caused me "severe and disabling emotional and psychological harm", but I am not suing. Why? Because one, they are abnormal things that should not affect someone as deeply as they affect me and two, I am not that fucking stupid.
Oh, America, keep it up. Never stop with the stupid lawsuits.
ETA 5/19: I just read an article about this in the Courier Post and apparently this is what his lawsuit claims the prank did to him:
"severe and disabling emotional and psychological harm"? Are you for real? You know, I could think of a million things in my life that have caused me "severe and disabling emotional and psychological harm", but I am not suing. Why? Because one, they are abnormal things that should not affect someone as deeply as they affect me and two, I am not that fucking stupid.
Oh, America, keep it up. Never stop with the stupid lawsuits.
ETA 5/19: I just read an article about this in the Courier Post and apparently this is what his lawsuit claims the prank did to him:
Battie says he has needed medical care due to the incident’s impact. His lawsuit contends the incident caused “severe and disabling emotional and psychological harm, resulting in depression, anxiety, anger, loss of sleep, loss of appetite, paranoia, anti-social tendencies and loss of enjoyment in life activities.Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know what makes me want to punch something more- this asshole, or the asshole lawyer who took on this asshole's case.
Monday, May 14, 2012
God I Hate People
Johnathan Ramsey Case: Remains Found Identified As Starved Boy, Police Confirm
GOD, WHY DO YOU PEOPLE FUCKING HAVE CHILDREN?!!
These stories have really been pissing me the hell off a little too much lately. I am so sick and tired of hearing these stories of parents- whether they be the real parents or a stepparent- abusing children like this. There is no excuse for it. I am considered selfish for not wanting to have kids! For knowing I would not make a good parent, although I can say I would never abuse a child.
I don't normally get enraged over stories, especially ones with children, but every time I think of that story about that little boy from Phildelphia, Khalil Wimes, I want to punch a hole in the wall. And I know I remember reading somewhere that the monsters known as his "parents" said they did not even want kids. Then why the fuck did you have so many? And if you didn't want them, put them up for adoption! Don't fucking abuse them! And DHS? I won't even touch on that. I feel terrible for his former foster parents and other relatives, because they did everything to keep DHS from taking the kid away and returning him to those monsters.
I can't even look at pictures of those disgusting monsters, thinking what they did to that poor little boy. They make me want to punch my monitor. They are the kind of "people" you hope have "little accidents" in jail. And by "little accidents", I mean shanked to death by a fellow prisoner. They deserve to burn in the deepest level of hell, along with the DHS workers and any other asshole involved in the case that allowed that poor child to be killed.
I swear, the apocolypse cannot come fast enough.
GOD, WHY DO YOU PEOPLE FUCKING HAVE CHILDREN?!!
These stories have really been pissing me the hell off a little too much lately. I am so sick and tired of hearing these stories of parents- whether they be the real parents or a stepparent- abusing children like this. There is no excuse for it. I am considered selfish for not wanting to have kids! For knowing I would not make a good parent, although I can say I would never abuse a child.
I don't normally get enraged over stories, especially ones with children, but every time I think of that story about that little boy from Phildelphia, Khalil Wimes, I want to punch a hole in the wall. And I know I remember reading somewhere that the monsters known as his "parents" said they did not even want kids. Then why the fuck did you have so many? And if you didn't want them, put them up for adoption! Don't fucking abuse them! And DHS? I won't even touch on that. I feel terrible for his former foster parents and other relatives, because they did everything to keep DHS from taking the kid away and returning him to those monsters.
I can't even look at pictures of those disgusting monsters, thinking what they did to that poor little boy. They make me want to punch my monitor. They are the kind of "people" you hope have "little accidents" in jail. And by "little accidents", I mean shanked to death by a fellow prisoner. They deserve to burn in the deepest level of hell, along with the DHS workers and any other asshole involved in the case that allowed that poor child to be killed.
I swear, the apocolypse cannot come fast enough.
Song Of The Day
I found this song under Free Music From Rising Artists on Amazon, thought it sounded pretty sweet, figured what the hell it is free and downloaded it; now I can't get enough of it:
ETA 5/16: I just looked up the lyrics for it....interesting. I wonder what the meaning behind it is. The line "Your friends don’t know what you go through" really intrigues me. Some sort of mental or addiction problem maybe?
ETA 6/3: Bear in Heaven Slow Down Their Album, Get Compared to Justin Bieber - Spinner
Okay, that is the actual video for the song. So it's about prostitution?
ETA 5/16: I just looked up the lyrics for it....interesting. I wonder what the meaning behind it is. The line "Your friends don’t know what you go through" really intrigues me. Some sort of mental or addiction problem maybe?
ETA 6/3: Bear in Heaven Slow Down Their Album, Get Compared to Justin Bieber - Spinner
Okay, that is the actual video for the song. So it's about prostitution?
Sunday, May 13, 2012
The Stupid Of The Day
Emma Gray: Childfree: Daily Mail Blames Career Women For 'Enforced' Male Childlessness
I so badly want to punch Philip in the face, my hand is involuntarily squeezing into a fist.
She stated early in the relationship she wanted no kids, asshole. Don't just assume she'd change her mind. You deserve everything you are getting, and frankly, I hope to God you never reproduce because you are a complete and utter moron.
I'm sorry, I am a just a bit perturbed right now with the person I should not be perturbed with today. My mother initially said she wanted to go over my grandparents and go to dinner because she did not want my father to go to dinner with us, and then it turns into them coming over here and my mother turns and tells my father the change of plans and tells him that we are going to dinner and doesn't know whether he is going with us or not. And it looks like he is going to be going. I told her last night if he is miserable and ruins dinner, don't even bother complaining to me. And I know damn well he will, especially since he is pissed that we have been stuck in all day. Well, he was the one that screwed up the entire weekend by deciding to put brakes on my mother's car on the nicest weekend of the year (so far).
I swear, the women in my family.....my sister is smarter than the rest of them when it comes to husbands, but she has her dumb moments, too. Her husband probably has sleep apnea and has difficulty staying awake. And more times than often this happens when he is driving. It happened the last time we went down the shore and multiple other times. And she always tells him to let her drive, he refuses because he's "fine", and it's left at that. She doesn't argue with him anymore. What she needs to do is tell him to pull over and let her drive or drop her/us off. No, instead she allows herself and her sister to be in the danger of a tired driver. And he's selfish for putting his passengers, as well as other drives on the road, in danger.
And certainly I could be the one to speak up. But do I dare? No. Because I know the argument that will ensue will be huge, and I know damn well that my sister will not side with me because all the married women in my family always side with their husbands even when hubby is clearly at fault. And emotionally, I just can't deal with that kind of argument right now.
I so badly want to punch Philip in the face, my hand is involuntarily squeezing into a fist.
She stated early in the relationship she wanted no kids, asshole. Don't just assume she'd change her mind. You deserve everything you are getting, and frankly, I hope to God you never reproduce because you are a complete and utter moron.
I'm sorry, I am a just a bit perturbed right now with the person I should not be perturbed with today. My mother initially said she wanted to go over my grandparents and go to dinner because she did not want my father to go to dinner with us, and then it turns into them coming over here and my mother turns and tells my father the change of plans and tells him that we are going to dinner and doesn't know whether he is going with us or not. And it looks like he is going to be going. I told her last night if he is miserable and ruins dinner, don't even bother complaining to me. And I know damn well he will, especially since he is pissed that we have been stuck in all day. Well, he was the one that screwed up the entire weekend by deciding to put brakes on my mother's car on the nicest weekend of the year (so far).
I swear, the women in my family.....my sister is smarter than the rest of them when it comes to husbands, but she has her dumb moments, too. Her husband probably has sleep apnea and has difficulty staying awake. And more times than often this happens when he is driving. It happened the last time we went down the shore and multiple other times. And she always tells him to let her drive, he refuses because he's "fine", and it's left at that. She doesn't argue with him anymore. What she needs to do is tell him to pull over and let her drive or drop her/us off. No, instead she allows herself and her sister to be in the danger of a tired driver. And he's selfish for putting his passengers, as well as other drives on the road, in danger.
And certainly I could be the one to speak up. But do I dare? No. Because I know the argument that will ensue will be huge, and I know damn well that my sister will not side with me because all the married women in my family always side with their husbands even when hubby is clearly at fault. And emotionally, I just can't deal with that kind of argument right now.
Video Of The Day
I love Toad the Wet Sprocket so much. Almost 20 years later and this song still fills me with so much emotion:
Friday, May 11, 2012
The Headline Of The Day
Yes, I know I just condemned the HP yesterday, but this was too good to pass up:
Horseshoe Crab Mating Ritual Is The Oldest Beach Orgy
God, even crabs are getting laid.
And now all I can think of is that episode of Futurama, "Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?", when Zoidberg goes back to his home planet to mate. Not one of my favorite episodes, but I do love when Zoidberg loses his freaking mind in the gym (about 1:30 in):
Horseshoe Crab Mating Ritual Is The Oldest Beach Orgy
God, even crabs are getting laid.
And now all I can think of is that episode of Futurama, "Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?", when Zoidberg goes back to his home planet to mate. Not one of my favorite episodes, but I do love when Zoidberg loses his freaking mind in the gym (about 1:30 in):
Stuff It Brain
A thought popped into my head earlier and it has been plaguing me all day.
Are our reactions to things the first time we are acquainted with them due to the moment we encounter them? Do we like or dislike things because they were discovered at a specific time? If it were to have occured at a different time, would we have felt differently? Say you have a favorite food and you remember the first time you had it. Say it was October 15th, 2003 at lunch time. If you had had it a couple days sooner or later, would you still feel the same way and would it still be your favorite food? If I hadn't had to wait for some ignoramus to return Congratulations so long and received it on say, April 9th instead, would I have enjoyed it as much as when I actually first listened to it, which was April 18th? If I had met someone a different time and date than the actual first time I met them, would I still feel the same way about them?
It's similar to another thought that irks me constantly- is everything in our lives planned out before we are born? Before I was born, was it already planned that I was going to have a nervous breakdown in 2006? Before my friend was born, was it already planned that she was going to die in a car accident on May 5th, 2008? Was it already planned that my uncle was going to be electrocuted in a freak accident (well, that is what my grandparents were told by the military) in Vietnam on May 1st? And I am not just talking things like the above mentioned. EVERY SINGLE THING, even down to things we purchase or places we eat or movies we see or whatever.
And if the latter is true, I want to know the blueprints of my life. I am always in the minority with this, but I want to know when I am going to die. And obviously, no, I would not try to cheat death.
Are our reactions to things the first time we are acquainted with them due to the moment we encounter them? Do we like or dislike things because they were discovered at a specific time? If it were to have occured at a different time, would we have felt differently? Say you have a favorite food and you remember the first time you had it. Say it was October 15th, 2003 at lunch time. If you had had it a couple days sooner or later, would you still feel the same way and would it still be your favorite food? If I hadn't had to wait for some ignoramus to return Congratulations so long and received it on say, April 9th instead, would I have enjoyed it as much as when I actually first listened to it, which was April 18th? If I had met someone a different time and date than the actual first time I met them, would I still feel the same way about them?
It's similar to another thought that irks me constantly- is everything in our lives planned out before we are born? Before I was born, was it already planned that I was going to have a nervous breakdown in 2006? Before my friend was born, was it already planned that she was going to die in a car accident on May 5th, 2008? Was it already planned that my uncle was going to be electrocuted in a freak accident (well, that is what my grandparents were told by the military) in Vietnam on May 1st? And I am not just talking things like the above mentioned. EVERY SINGLE THING, even down to things we purchase or places we eat or movies we see or whatever.
And if the latter is true, I want to know the blueprints of my life. I am always in the minority with this, but I want to know when I am going to die. And obviously, no, I would not try to cheat death.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
This Is Journalism?
The stupidity of this article just absolutely blew my mind:
Kate Beckinsale Uses Flip Phone, Channels 2001 (PHOTOS)
I still have a flip phone. I haven't updated my phone since 2008, mostly because I am just too lazy to get a new one. Guess I better be put out to pasture for that terrible crime.
Really, Huffpo? You actually considered this news?You actually wasted an entire article because- oh god the horror!- Kate Beckinsale still uses a flip phone? Who cares, for the love of God? I used to like the Huffpost, but then I started to find its liberalism a little too much. And then when AOL took over, it really went to hell, because that takeover brought an influx of AOL commenters, and in case no one has ever noticed, AOL commenters tend to be some of the stupidest people on earth.
Coincidentally, they all tend to be right leaning as well.
Kate Beckinsale Uses Flip Phone, Channels 2001 (PHOTOS)
I still have a flip phone. I haven't updated my phone since 2008, mostly because I am just too lazy to get a new one. Guess I better be put out to pasture for that terrible crime.
Really, Huffpo? You actually considered this news?You actually wasted an entire article because- oh god the horror!- Kate Beckinsale still uses a flip phone? Who cares, for the love of God? I used to like the Huffpost, but then I started to find its liberalism a little too much. And then when AOL took over, it really went to hell, because that takeover brought an influx of AOL commenters, and in case no one has ever noticed, AOL commenters tend to be some of the stupidest people on earth.
Coincidentally, they all tend to be right leaning as well.
Random Thoughts
For all of the long ass time I had to wait for it, my 3 weeks with Congratulations went quick.
I didn't want to return it, and even had a brief moment of insanity
where I thought of holding it hostage, but then I remembered how annoyed
I was waiting for it and didn't want the next person to get annoyed as
well, so I returned it. An hour and a half before the library closed.
I read a couple articles on that singer who is becoming a woman and I have to say, I was a bit surprised at how many people felt sorry for the wife. I mean, I guess I can see why they would, but if I had a husband who decided he wanted to become a woman, I would be okay with it. I wouldn't see that as a reason to divorce him. Maybe I am completely wrong, but it just seems kind of stupid to divorce over, because ultimately it just seems like the main problem comes down to physical attraction and sex. And I guess as someone who has been celibate for so long, the issue of sex kind of just doesn't matter. I also couldn't imagine leaving someone going through the mental anguish of feeling like they are in the wrong body, because I have experienced similar body disturbances (although not gender-related), and it's a suffocating, torturous feeling.
I do have to say that he makes a pretty good looking woman.
Jesus....what is with the fucking flashing lights out of the corner of my right eye?!
Ugh, why does it seem like I finally am free of being miserable only to turn around and realize a big dose of moodiness is going to be appearing again soon? I have been a moody ass bitch all this week. I woke up in a horrible mood on Monday and I don't know why, other than my allergies have been really bad and I have been hacking like the hounds of hell. And for some reason, the second I climb into bed, the tickle in my throat exacerbates by a million and I can't stop coughing.
And as expected, stupid things are annoying me more than usual. I complained the other day how my sister expects people to do things for her, but does not do the same in return. Now I am a strong, probably a little too strong, believer in you scratch my back I scratch yours, so this greatly annoys me. My mother says well I don't have to be like her. Yes, that is true, but I don't work like her and my grandparents. Yes, being the better person is a good thing, and I will do it to an extent, but like I have said, there is a goddamn limit. And my mother and grandparents don't ever know where to draw the line. That is why they still bend over backwards for my father despite all of the nasty ass shit he has done to them. And that, I am sorry, is just stupid and foolish.
In my family, when people have problems with me, they find it better to talk about me behind my back. I guess maybe because they know if they confront me head on, it will lead to a big blow up (now I am not one to ever diagnose myself with things, but does anyone wonder if there is a small possibility I could be borderline?). But they should know by now that everything eventually gets back to me, and they should know by now from past experiences show that a blow up is going to happen any way you look at it, but had they just told me straight to my face, a smaller one would have occured. One time my sister made a comment that when I come to her house I stick around too long. Now this was long before she was married, and was living on her own. But here is the thing- I know what my sister is like. She has made complaints before when people don't stick around long. Then it's no one wants to hang around with her. So how in the fuck am I supposed to judge what is long enough? If I stick around, I am too long. If I leave, no one wants to hang around with her. She is getting as bad as my mother with the fucking guilt trips.
And it is such a small petty thing to get annoyed over, but I am really starting to get tired of how every single time I go out with my mother and my sister, I am basically ignored. My mom never shuts up the entire time (which I know annoys me sister as well), and then when I have a chance to get a word in, I am interrupted or ignored. And it is really starting to piss me off.
I have had this issue I have been dealing with for a couple months- one that once was bringing me great joy and is now just sadly making me flat out miserable, to the point that it's actually making me more miserable that it is making me miserable- and I want to say it's a product of OCD, but I am not really sure. It seems like it could be an obsession, and I know it's not a rational thought. And I wish I could inquire about it, but I am far too embarrassed at my age to ever bring it up to someone else, except for maybe a mental health worker.
I just want to get away from everything. I need to get away from everything. I need to get away from my family, from idiotic people, all of the negativity my family breeds that has worked its way into my life as well, the internet. I just want to pack up everything and start somewhere new. Of course, I'd like to have a new brain along with that new start. A brain with no mental illness and wired to have a big strong extroverted type A personality in store.
Every time I think about talking with someone in my family, I either realize I don't want to confide in that particular person or a problem arises for that person and I don't want to bother them. I've hit a major wall. But I don't know where to go. Or who to go to. I just know I need to talk to someone. I need for someone to be aware of how miserable I am. How almost every day I wish something would happen to me that would kill me so I don't end up having to be the one to do it. How I have never felt so fucking helpless in my life.
I read a couple articles on that singer who is becoming a woman and I have to say, I was a bit surprised at how many people felt sorry for the wife. I mean, I guess I can see why they would, but if I had a husband who decided he wanted to become a woman, I would be okay with it. I wouldn't see that as a reason to divorce him. Maybe I am completely wrong, but it just seems kind of stupid to divorce over, because ultimately it just seems like the main problem comes down to physical attraction and sex. And I guess as someone who has been celibate for so long, the issue of sex kind of just doesn't matter. I also couldn't imagine leaving someone going through the mental anguish of feeling like they are in the wrong body, because I have experienced similar body disturbances (although not gender-related), and it's a suffocating, torturous feeling.
I do have to say that he makes a pretty good looking woman.
Jesus....what is with the fucking flashing lights out of the corner of my right eye?!
Ugh, why does it seem like I finally am free of being miserable only to turn around and realize a big dose of moodiness is going to be appearing again soon? I have been a moody ass bitch all this week. I woke up in a horrible mood on Monday and I don't know why, other than my allergies have been really bad and I have been hacking like the hounds of hell. And for some reason, the second I climb into bed, the tickle in my throat exacerbates by a million and I can't stop coughing.
And as expected, stupid things are annoying me more than usual. I complained the other day how my sister expects people to do things for her, but does not do the same in return. Now I am a strong, probably a little too strong, believer in you scratch my back I scratch yours, so this greatly annoys me. My mother says well I don't have to be like her. Yes, that is true, but I don't work like her and my grandparents. Yes, being the better person is a good thing, and I will do it to an extent, but like I have said, there is a goddamn limit. And my mother and grandparents don't ever know where to draw the line. That is why they still bend over backwards for my father despite all of the nasty ass shit he has done to them. And that, I am sorry, is just stupid and foolish.
In my family, when people have problems with me, they find it better to talk about me behind my back. I guess maybe because they know if they confront me head on, it will lead to a big blow up (now I am not one to ever diagnose myself with things, but does anyone wonder if there is a small possibility I could be borderline?). But they should know by now that everything eventually gets back to me, and they should know by now from past experiences show that a blow up is going to happen any way you look at it, but had they just told me straight to my face, a smaller one would have occured. One time my sister made a comment that when I come to her house I stick around too long. Now this was long before she was married, and was living on her own. But here is the thing- I know what my sister is like. She has made complaints before when people don't stick around long. Then it's no one wants to hang around with her. So how in the fuck am I supposed to judge what is long enough? If I stick around, I am too long. If I leave, no one wants to hang around with her. She is getting as bad as my mother with the fucking guilt trips.
And it is such a small petty thing to get annoyed over, but I am really starting to get tired of how every single time I go out with my mother and my sister, I am basically ignored. My mom never shuts up the entire time (which I know annoys me sister as well), and then when I have a chance to get a word in, I am interrupted or ignored. And it is really starting to piss me off.
I have had this issue I have been dealing with for a couple months- one that once was bringing me great joy and is now just sadly making me flat out miserable, to the point that it's actually making me more miserable that it is making me miserable- and I want to say it's a product of OCD, but I am not really sure. It seems like it could be an obsession, and I know it's not a rational thought. And I wish I could inquire about it, but I am far too embarrassed at my age to ever bring it up to someone else, except for maybe a mental health worker.
I just want to get away from everything. I need to get away from everything. I need to get away from my family, from idiotic people, all of the negativity my family breeds that has worked its way into my life as well, the internet. I just want to pack up everything and start somewhere new. Of course, I'd like to have a new brain along with that new start. A brain with no mental illness and wired to have a big strong extroverted type A personality in store.
Every time I think about talking with someone in my family, I either realize I don't want to confide in that particular person or a problem arises for that person and I don't want to bother them. I've hit a major wall. But I don't know where to go. Or who to go to. I just know I need to talk to someone. I need for someone to be aware of how miserable I am. How almost every day I wish something would happen to me that would kill me so I don't end up having to be the one to do it. How I have never felt so fucking helpless in my life.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Comment Of The Day
From HP user speedy0999, in response to this article:
I'm suing the radio station that was playing a song I didn't like and when I was changing the station I ran off the side of the road and scratched my car... then I'm suing the beer company for making the woman I met look alot prettier than she actually was.. then I'm suing that guy who told me that the ATM machine was across the street, but, didn't tell me to look for cars before crossing.. and then I'm suing that lady that said the chicken tasted goo,but, when I ate it... yuk (sic)
The Awesome Of The Day
New Jersey Roofers Pull Co-Worker From Vat Of Acid
You know, whenever I start to think that there are no good people left in the world, I come across articles like this. This story just astonishes and amazes me, that someone was able to risk so much to rescue another person. How many other people would do this? I know I probably would never do something like that. Am I saying I would never risk my life to save someone else's? No. I would, especially with as little as I value my life compared to others and if it happened to be a loved one that was in danger. But jumping into a vat of acid? I don't like people enough to do that.
You know, whenever I start to think that there are no good people left in the world, I come across articles like this. This story just astonishes and amazes me, that someone was able to risk so much to rescue another person. How many other people would do this? I know I probably would never do something like that. Am I saying I would never risk my life to save someone else's? No. I would, especially with as little as I value my life compared to others and if it happened to be a loved one that was in danger. But jumping into a vat of acid? I don't like people enough to do that.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Picture Of The Day
One of my absolute favorite galleries on the Berry is the Post Secret posted every Friday (and every so often on other days). This past Friday, there was one picture that really struck a nerve:
post-secret-8 : theBERRY
I could use being told that more than anything in the world right now. It does not even have to be a friend. Anyone could say it, as long as they absolutely mean it. Of course, my preference would be for a male that I am very much in love with to say it, but that may just be asking for too much. Plus, before anything, I would need a male to fall in love with.
post-secret-8 : theBERRY
I could use being told that more than anything in the world right now. It does not even have to be a friend. Anyone could say it, as long as they absolutely mean it. Of course, my preference would be for a male that I am very much in love with to say it, but that may just be asking for too much. Plus, before anything, I would need a male to fall in love with.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Bored Anal Retentive Bitch Problems
I am sick and tired of hearing famous people say they are shy. Now I understand that like most things in life, there are different levels of shyness. However, there is only one I know- extreme. And because of that limited prespective, when I hear an actor or singer or whatever whine that they are shy, I have a hard time believing it. I have a hard time believing a shy person could pretend and make out with strangers. Or get up in front of thousands of people and sing. Or consider themselves kind of shy, but can strut their gorgeous ass down a runway for a living.
Picture Of The Day
see more
I cannot look at the part when James falls the same anymore after this interview. That interview is also the first time I have heard Ben talk. His voice wasn't far off from what I expected.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
The Headline Of The Day
The Polka Dot House Next Door: Awesome or Eyesore?
I like it. It looks better than half the houses in my stupid neighborhood.
I like it. It looks better than half the houses in my stupid neighborhood.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Lyrics Of The Day
This came straight from the album pamphlet, so if it's wrong, it's MGMT's fault:
And the way it is performed....that is what always gets to me.
Of course, ever since I read other's interpretations of it on Song Meanings, now I can't get the sexual innuendo of "the head attached with a scarf" out of my head. Thanks a lot, wienie!
Hey I found a whistle that hangs like a charm
And when my noose is tied I could blow it
And fall down into your arms
15 centuries of dissolution and grief
To return a yellow trickster and a thief
Yeah I found a whistle that works every timeI don't know quite what to make of the meaning of this song. I guess what I personally get from it, I feel that I would think of it if I found someone really special. I do have another idea in my head of when I would like to hear it, though. Nothing dirty. Quite a beautiful image actually.
That's when the trail escapes to nowhere
And the flood erases the crime
Such conviction
To paint all the walls with the blood
Of the young and the faithful and the good
Hey I found a whistle as thin as a sheet
To split the dumbness of a vision
Between a sleep and a sleep
Tiny axes
Repeatedly raising the flag
All ignored, real emotion's such a drag
Yeah I've got a pistol that's aimed at your heart
And on dark nights when the moon is right
I could show you
The head attached with a scarf
Aerophane sorceress, at home obeying the fates
When it's gone, has it gone all the way?
And the way it is performed....that is what always gets to me.
Of course, ever since I read other's interpretations of it on Song Meanings, now I can't get the sexual innuendo of "the head attached with a scarf" out of my head. Thanks a lot, wienie!
Random Thoughts
Yesterday, I was reading the paper and I read this obituary and I felt so overwhelmingly sad and wretched after reading it. Mental illness is a fucking bitch and I would just love for a day to come for people to understand how horrible it is and how it is not as easy to treat as people think it is.
One can dream, can't they? Because I know damn well it will never happen. And the field that should be doing everything to making it possible is the one making a laughingstock of itself.
I hate wanting help, but being so reluctant to get it. But one too many bad experiences with the psychiatric field will do that. Should that keep me from getting help and maybe having a normal life? No, it should not. But it does. I do believe good help is out there. The problem is how much money, time, and disappointment has to come in finding it.
And if there is the potential for good help, then comes building trust. THAT will not be easy. It will take a lot for me to trust a mental health worker, and even if a strong level of trust is built, there will still always be a small amount of me that will not trust the person. I will be on edge that every single thing I say will have the potential to land me in the hospital.
Something surprising I have noticed of myself over the years is as much as I loathe myself, when I am around other people, I actually like to talk about myself a lot. Well, more so my interests. And other's as well. Back when I worked, I was always trying to talk to people about things I liked and things they liked. It always failed. I never understood why. Now I am not the best person when it comes to relationships, but why would you not want to know your friend's interests? Why would you not want to know their favorite shows, movies, music artists, etc? I always do.
And when people show interest in my interests, it makes my day. Even something silly and little. One day I subjected the car to Congratulations again and my sister simply asked me where are they [MGMT] from and it filled me with pride. I don't know why it makes me happy. I guess maybe because I find myself so dull and boring to others that even a minute show of interest is exciting.
My sister also had made a comment when I asked if I could put the CD on that she thought the CD was weird and not like the other one. I said "are you saying you liked the other one?" but never got an answer. I mean, she did download "Time To Pretend" from my iTunes library, and she was willing to go to Musikfest with me to see them, if someone had been able to take us. But unfortunately everyone is refusing to take us there, although I am sure if my sister was the one that originally wanted to go, my parents would be falling all over themselves to take her.
But THAT is a story for a whole other day.
We drove down my sister's house earlier and there was a pretty bad car accident at the intersection of White Horse and Evesham. Two cars were in poles. I really didn't need to see that the night before the four year aniversary of my friend's death.
One can dream, can't they? Because I know damn well it will never happen. And the field that should be doing everything to making it possible is the one making a laughingstock of itself.
I hate wanting help, but being so reluctant to get it. But one too many bad experiences with the psychiatric field will do that. Should that keep me from getting help and maybe having a normal life? No, it should not. But it does. I do believe good help is out there. The problem is how much money, time, and disappointment has to come in finding it.
And if there is the potential for good help, then comes building trust. THAT will not be easy. It will take a lot for me to trust a mental health worker, and even if a strong level of trust is built, there will still always be a small amount of me that will not trust the person. I will be on edge that every single thing I say will have the potential to land me in the hospital.
Something surprising I have noticed of myself over the years is as much as I loathe myself, when I am around other people, I actually like to talk about myself a lot. Well, more so my interests. And other's as well. Back when I worked, I was always trying to talk to people about things I liked and things they liked. It always failed. I never understood why. Now I am not the best person when it comes to relationships, but why would you not want to know your friend's interests? Why would you not want to know their favorite shows, movies, music artists, etc? I always do.
And when people show interest in my interests, it makes my day. Even something silly and little. One day I subjected the car to Congratulations again and my sister simply asked me where are they [MGMT] from and it filled me with pride. I don't know why it makes me happy. I guess maybe because I find myself so dull and boring to others that even a minute show of interest is exciting.
My sister also had made a comment when I asked if I could put the CD on that she thought the CD was weird and not like the other one. I said "are you saying you liked the other one?" but never got an answer. I mean, she did download "Time To Pretend" from my iTunes library, and she was willing to go to Musikfest with me to see them, if someone had been able to take us. But unfortunately everyone is refusing to take us there, although I am sure if my sister was the one that originally wanted to go, my parents would be falling all over themselves to take her.
But THAT is a story for a whole other day.
We drove down my sister's house earlier and there was a pretty bad car accident at the intersection of White Horse and Evesham. Two cars were in poles. I really didn't need to see that the night before the four year aniversary of my friend's death.
Friday, May 4, 2012
The Bitch, Please Of The Day
Patricia Krentcil,Tanning Mom, Lashes Out At Critics
No one is jealous of you, you ugly freak of nature.
No one is jealous of you, you ugly freak of nature.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Picture Of The Day
See more on Know Your Meme
Take away the "Fourth Girlfriend" part and that is every night for me.
Having someone ask that kid Mark in sixth grade out for me? Agreeing to go out with some kid named Scott in eleventh grade and dissolving the half attempt at a relationship mutually, only to have him tell everyone he broke up with me because I was an introvert and asking another girl out a few days later? Or the time I tripped in high school and busted up the skin on my knee something fierce and some kid laughed at me and then kept asking me if I was alright and all I wanted to do is punch him? Or the time in work when I was sending a very vague email to my WA about something stupid my boss did only to find out I sent it to my boss? My first attempt at a kiss? How horrific my first sexual encounter will be like? Telling someone I have never had sex? That celebrity crush on the Situation? That dream I had a couple weeks ago where Andrew sang "Pieces of What" to me and I sobbed like an idiot all over his chest the whole time? OH GOD WHY
NO, NO, NOOO!
Thursday's thunderstorm forecast:
Okay, my area is not in the red shaded area, but had it just been a little further to the right, then it would have. I'm not ready for the severe storm risks yet. The first time I see NJ listed under the TOR:CON forecast this season, I am going to absolutely lose my shit.
ETA 5/3: *cries*:
Judging by yesterday's pattern, I had a feeling this would be coming for tomorrow. But I was hoping upon hope that I would end up being wrong. And then I was over on Accuweather.com (yes, I spend a very unhealthy amount of time on weather websites, particularly when spring rolls around) and they put out their summer forecast and this was the Mid-Atlantic's:
Okay, my area is not in the red shaded area, but had it just been a little further to the right, then it would have. I'm not ready for the severe storm risks yet. The first time I see NJ listed under the TOR:CON forecast this season, I am going to absolutely lose my shit.
ETA 5/3: *cries*:
Judging by yesterday's pattern, I had a feeling this would be coming for tomorrow. But I was hoping upon hope that I would end up being wrong. And then I was over on Accuweather.com (yes, I spend a very unhealthy amount of time on weather websites, particularly when spring rolls around) and they put out their summer forecast and this was the Mid-Atlantic's:
An active severe weather season will extend into the summer. Storms will ride over the northeastern edge of heat with increased chances for severe weather from the Great Lakes to portions of the mid-Atlantic. This type of severe weather pattern is often referred to as "ring of fire" storms.I think I am going to dig a hole in the ground and just go live there.
Michigan and Minnesota to portions of Kentucky, Virginia, Maryland and New Jersey will lie in the battlegrounds of severe storms at times. Cincinnati, Ohio, Lexington, Ky., Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia are among the cities at risk for active severe weather.
The WTF Of The Day
A letter to Dear Abby from Sunday:
DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful wife, a dog and an 8-year-old son I love to watch sports with. My son loves sports, but he has trouble accepting a loss. He'll take out his disappointment by beating the dog. My wife doesn't want to get rid of "Patches" because she has had him since college. I don't want to put my son through counseling because he said he'll hate me forever if I do. I'm afraid if the problem isn't controlled, my son's life goals may be affected. What can I do?
Let me get this straight- your little demon snowflake gets pissed off over a fucking sport and takes it out on the dog? And you do not want to put him through therapy because he will hate you forever? Um, he's 8 years old. How many kids tell their parents they will hate them forever if they do something? I mean, I don't recall ever doing so, but I knew plenty of people who did. And their parents made them do it anyway and they grew up just fine. Just make him go, because chances are, assuming you go to a psychiatrist, the child will be diagnosed with whatever disorder is en vogue and medicated to all holy hell, and you are off the hook for being a shitty parent.
Do you know what you should do? Go purchase a gun and shoot yourself in the balls, although I would be hesistant to believe that you even have a set anyway, judging by your letter. Morons like you should not be breeding, nor should have ever bred in the first place.
North Carolina Pastor Sean Harris: Parents Should 'Punch' Their Gay-Acting Children
This is just too much stupidity for my brain to handle in such a short amount of time.
I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
This is just too much stupidity for my brain to handle in such a short amount of time.
I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
Comment Of The Day
Barkthedog on the "Flash Delirium" video (from this article):
I'll never forget the first time I watched the video for "Time To Pretend". I think I sat staring at my computer for about 10 minutes, with "dafuq did I just watch?" running through my head. Then again I think I may have had a similar reaction the first time I saw the videos for "Kids" and "Flash Delirium", as well as being in awe of Andrew in that silver outfit in the former. Oh mama.
Wow,....looking for serious huh?! From MGMT,...right?! No,..they're not surfing the rings of Saturn this time,...or riding on kittens or shooting arrows at giant crabs which explode into a swarm of dolphins or any of that serious music stuff this time. Instead they're curing Ben of his inner demons by the old generals yanking the electric eel out on his singing throat hole and shoving it into the **** chamber where it explodes, flickering the lights at the party where they prove that white people can't dance to the amusement of the pigs outside. This needs some serious analysis!*sniffs loudly* That was beautiful, man.
I'll never forget the first time I watched the video for "Time To Pretend". I think I sat staring at my computer for about 10 minutes, with "dafuq did I just watch?" running through my head. Then again I think I may have had a similar reaction the first time I saw the videos for "Kids" and "Flash Delirium", as well as being in awe of Andrew in that silver outfit in the former. Oh mama.
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