Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Random Thoughts
I have had a pulling pain right above the bikini line on the left side for the past few hours, right about where an ovary sits on a diagram, along with cramping across the lower abdomen and lower back. It's starting to get really annoying. This pain and cramping all throughout the month, every month, is starting to get to be really annoying.
All of these women problems are starting to get tiring. This whole thing of worrying I am going through perimenopause is beyond tiring.
I finally slept a little better last night. Didn't have any episodes of waking up warm. Hopefully tonight will be good, too. Early Monday morning I did end up waking up feeling warm, though. I almost wonder if the feelings of being warm had anything to do with all of the bad eating I had been doing and fluid retention. Who knows? All I know is I am so tired of eating bad!
So I did end up with a market cake on Monday. I was not happy. Not that I don't appreciate getting a cake, but why am I the only one who never gets a bakery cake? Oh, and I didn't get a card, either. And then I had to laugh- there was a little less than half the cake left and my boss is all oh you can take it home to your family and then cuts herself a second huge slice, leaving me with slightly more than a quarter of a cake. I was appalled. Like that little bit of cake was going to be enough for several people. And like she needed that second slice.
And then to top it off, she bought me a pack of cheesecake slices because she knows I like it. It was a really nice gesture, don't get me wrong, but for someone who knows I am really restrictive with eating, seeing as how she has to make a reference to it nearly every time we have food in that damn place, she should have just saved her money. Not that it won't get eaten.
Every time people make reference to my eating habits, I want to kick the wall. I already know it's disordered and feel shitty about it; I don't need the extra attention brought to it.
And speaking of feeling shitty, for the past couple of New Year's Eves, it was just my parents and me. And we figured this year would be the same, so we decided we would go to Red Robin for dinner so I can score my free birthday burger. And apparently my sister wanted to go to dinner with us this year. Except she hates Red Robin. My parents sound like they are still set on going to Red Robin and now I feel like shit. Why does everything always have to make me feel like shit?
And continuing on in feeling shitty, I don't want the holiday season to end this week. Maybe, just maybe, one of these holiday seasons I will actually feel happy.
All of these women problems are starting to get tiring. This whole thing of worrying I am going through perimenopause is beyond tiring.
I finally slept a little better last night. Didn't have any episodes of waking up warm. Hopefully tonight will be good, too. Early Monday morning I did end up waking up feeling warm, though. I almost wonder if the feelings of being warm had anything to do with all of the bad eating I had been doing and fluid retention. Who knows? All I know is I am so tired of eating bad!
So I did end up with a market cake on Monday. I was not happy. Not that I don't appreciate getting a cake, but why am I the only one who never gets a bakery cake? Oh, and I didn't get a card, either. And then I had to laugh- there was a little less than half the cake left and my boss is all oh you can take it home to your family and then cuts herself a second huge slice, leaving me with slightly more than a quarter of a cake. I was appalled. Like that little bit of cake was going to be enough for several people. And like she needed that second slice.
And then to top it off, she bought me a pack of cheesecake slices because she knows I like it. It was a really nice gesture, don't get me wrong, but for someone who knows I am really restrictive with eating, seeing as how she has to make a reference to it nearly every time we have food in that damn place, she should have just saved her money. Not that it won't get eaten.
Every time people make reference to my eating habits, I want to kick the wall. I already know it's disordered and feel shitty about it; I don't need the extra attention brought to it.
And speaking of feeling shitty, for the past couple of New Year's Eves, it was just my parents and me. And we figured this year would be the same, so we decided we would go to Red Robin for dinner so I can score my free birthday burger. And apparently my sister wanted to go to dinner with us this year. Except she hates Red Robin. My parents sound like they are still set on going to Red Robin and now I feel like shit. Why does everything always have to make me feel like shit?
And continuing on in feeling shitty, I don't want the holiday season to end this week. Maybe, just maybe, one of these holiday seasons I will actually feel happy.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Random Thoughts
What was with this weekend and fights breaking out in food courts? I have heard of at least 3 malls where that occurred. Is this something new?
I can't believe a week ago I was fretting over not having my shopping done and I had to drag my mother out on Sunday night to get the last 2 things I needed and now Christmas is over. What the hell? The last 4 months of the year are strange- you have the excitement of fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas pushes its way in somewhere in that point and it's all up in your face for weeks and then BAM it's gone. And then it's months of cold dark dreariness. It's so damn depressing. Especially when one by one all of the decorations start coming down and everything is bare and depressing. I never understand people who rush to take their decorations down. Then again, if I lived on my own, I'd probably be one of those people who would be getting notices a month or more after Christmas telling me I need to take my decorations down.
And I miss the Christmas music. I wish maybe just until New Years, the stations would continue to play it. Maybe just not all of the time like before Christmas. Thank God for my Christmas music playlist and the Music Choice Sounds of the Season station. Some stores are still playing it as well. I was in Acme earlier and heard 2 Christmas songs mixed in with regular songs, one of which was "The Walker" by Fitz and the Tantrums. I thought that was pretty awesome.
Woke up this morning feeling warm and sweaty again. I wish I could explain well what I experience. When you read up on night sweats, it sounds like people wake up soaked. I don't have that problem. I just feel warm and a little sweaty, but I also have this weird mild chilled feeling while feeling warm as well. Like I can't just kick off the covers because if I do so, I'll get even colder. It's almost like some parts of my body are warm and some are chilled. To say that I am starting to get really scared and freaked out is an understatement. I also started fretting over the fact that my period has come 35 days the past 2 months and then a whole other host of things crammed their way in and I didn't fall back asleep for awhile. My body temperature is feeling kind of weird right now (kind of warm, but feeling kind of cold) and I am starting to feel really anxious.
I am also obsessed with looking at the area behind my crown. I can't tell if it's swollen and I am worried that food got stuck in it and is going to cause an infection. IT NEVER STOPS.
I have been so damn depressed lately. And something that has been plaguing me is I keep thinking, will everyone be around for the next Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc? And the thought of everyone not being around is so unbearable I want to start screaming and never stop. And thoughts of horrible things happening to my loved ones keep plaguing my mind and sometimes it gets so bad I just want to start banging my head against the wall to make it stop. And people wonder why I don't want to be a mother? I'd end up in the hospital because my nerves would be completely shot worrying about the kid, although look at all of the being over-protective and worrying the mother of my friend who died in the car accident did and look at where that got her.
Oh, and I am beyond tired of feeling bad and guilty about EVERYTHING. I swear, if I knew it would be a positive experience and I wouldn't have a massive bill afterwards, I would admit myself to the hospital, although I have no specific plans to hurt myself so they might not even take me. But I doubt that I would ever do that again, although I have to say I am a hell of a lot less patient and a hell of a lot more on edge, irritable and cranky than when I was previously there, so I doubt very much I would allow any of the techs to talk to me the way I allowed them to before.
I am dreading going back to work tomorrow, although 1) I don't have to do my usual job tomorrow and 2) my boss won't be in until later in the day. I am dreading being sang to, though. And I am dreading what kind of cake I am going to be receiving. I'm an idiot- I should have just explicitly said what I wanted. This is why I never get anywhere in life- because even as something as simple as saying what kind of cake I like I can't even bring myself to stand up and say what I want.
And I am also not looking forward to New Years.
I can't believe a week ago I was fretting over not having my shopping done and I had to drag my mother out on Sunday night to get the last 2 things I needed and now Christmas is over. What the hell? The last 4 months of the year are strange- you have the excitement of fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas pushes its way in somewhere in that point and it's all up in your face for weeks and then BAM it's gone. And then it's months of cold dark dreariness. It's so damn depressing. Especially when one by one all of the decorations start coming down and everything is bare and depressing. I never understand people who rush to take their decorations down. Then again, if I lived on my own, I'd probably be one of those people who would be getting notices a month or more after Christmas telling me I need to take my decorations down.
And I miss the Christmas music. I wish maybe just until New Years, the stations would continue to play it. Maybe just not all of the time like before Christmas. Thank God for my Christmas music playlist and the Music Choice Sounds of the Season station. Some stores are still playing it as well. I was in Acme earlier and heard 2 Christmas songs mixed in with regular songs, one of which was "The Walker" by Fitz and the Tantrums. I thought that was pretty awesome.
Woke up this morning feeling warm and sweaty again. I wish I could explain well what I experience. When you read up on night sweats, it sounds like people wake up soaked. I don't have that problem. I just feel warm and a little sweaty, but I also have this weird mild chilled feeling while feeling warm as well. Like I can't just kick off the covers because if I do so, I'll get even colder. It's almost like some parts of my body are warm and some are chilled. To say that I am starting to get really scared and freaked out is an understatement. I also started fretting over the fact that my period has come 35 days the past 2 months and then a whole other host of things crammed their way in and I didn't fall back asleep for awhile. My body temperature is feeling kind of weird right now (kind of warm, but feeling kind of cold) and I am starting to feel really anxious.
I am also obsessed with looking at the area behind my crown. I can't tell if it's swollen and I am worried that food got stuck in it and is going to cause an infection. IT NEVER STOPS.
I have been so damn depressed lately. And something that has been plaguing me is I keep thinking, will everyone be around for the next Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc? And the thought of everyone not being around is so unbearable I want to start screaming and never stop. And thoughts of horrible things happening to my loved ones keep plaguing my mind and sometimes it gets so bad I just want to start banging my head against the wall to make it stop. And people wonder why I don't want to be a mother? I'd end up in the hospital because my nerves would be completely shot worrying about the kid, although look at all of the being over-protective and worrying the mother of my friend who died in the car accident did and look at where that got her.
Oh, and I am beyond tired of feeling bad and guilty about EVERYTHING. I swear, if I knew it would be a positive experience and I wouldn't have a massive bill afterwards, I would admit myself to the hospital, although I have no specific plans to hurt myself so they might not even take me. But I doubt that I would ever do that again, although I have to say I am a hell of a lot less patient and a hell of a lot more on edge, irritable and cranky than when I was previously there, so I doubt very much I would allow any of the techs to talk to me the way I allowed them to before.
I am dreading going back to work tomorrow, although 1) I don't have to do my usual job tomorrow and 2) my boss won't be in until later in the day. I am dreading being sang to, though. And I am dreading what kind of cake I am going to be receiving. I'm an idiot- I should have just explicitly said what I wanted. This is why I never get anywhere in life- because even as something as simple as saying what kind of cake I like I can't even bring myself to stand up and say what I want.
And I am also not looking forward to New Years.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Random Thoughts
Ugh, I am done with this nausea. I am done with the spotting and bleeding, the cramping, the watching what kind of discharge I have around the time I should be ovulating. Every time I look at what kind of discharge I am having, I feel like one of those women desperate to have a baby and keep track of their cervical mucus, minus the whole desperate to have a baby part.
And I am tired of my hands either being cold or getting red and hot. Right now all of my fingers on my left hand are red and hot and on my right hand, all of my fingers are red and hot and my ring finger is cold. I am starting to worry that this is all hormone related as well. And the sad thing is, the more I stress over this, the worse my hormones are going to get. At this point, I am surprised my adrenal glands haven't completely crapped out on me from all of the stress I put on them.
I also wish I knew what was the reasoning behind the 2 nights of feeling hot. Was it hormones? Was I just simply hot? I doubt it, because I was sleeping under the same amount of covers and I was wearing a t-shirt as opposed to the normal flannels I wear. Was it from the overabundance of sugar-laden carbs?
I was on a certain gossip site last night and there was an article about that Azealia Banks chick ranting about wanting reparations for slavery and before I went into the comments, I anticipated a lot of "WHERES MAH REPARATIONS WHITE DEVILS" comments but was somewhat surprised to find the comments kind of didn't go in that direction. Oh, but that doesn't mean there weren't some nasty comments and you know what? If you believe every person in a certain race is evil, then I feel sorry for you. There is evil in every race and there is good in every race and that is just sad if you can't see that. And then for people to slam people of their own race for realizing that is even fucking sadder. There were black people in these comments- well, claiming to be, although I still think they're all really privileged white girls- tearing into other blacks for not thinking all white people are evil. That's just pathetic. Then again, I think the people on this site are the type you can't please no matter what you say or do. Hate a certain race? RACIST. Love a certain race and show appreciation for it? Then you suffer from "white guilt" and partake in "culture appropriation" and are trying to steal their culture with your "white privilege". THERE IS NO WIN.
I decided to read up on spinal surgery last night- I DON'T KNOW WHY- and much of the article talked about fractures and spinal cord injuries and the more I read, the more I kept telling myself stop reading, you're only going to upset yourself. But did I listen to myself? Noo. And did I get upset? Yes. I am starting to become more convinced that if I ever decide to attempt suicide, there is a very high chance That Thing is going to be the reason behind it.
And I am tired of my hands either being cold or getting red and hot. Right now all of my fingers on my left hand are red and hot and on my right hand, all of my fingers are red and hot and my ring finger is cold. I am starting to worry that this is all hormone related as well. And the sad thing is, the more I stress over this, the worse my hormones are going to get. At this point, I am surprised my adrenal glands haven't completely crapped out on me from all of the stress I put on them.
I also wish I knew what was the reasoning behind the 2 nights of feeling hot. Was it hormones? Was I just simply hot? I doubt it, because I was sleeping under the same amount of covers and I was wearing a t-shirt as opposed to the normal flannels I wear. Was it from the overabundance of sugar-laden carbs?
I was on a certain gossip site last night and there was an article about that Azealia Banks chick ranting about wanting reparations for slavery and before I went into the comments, I anticipated a lot of "WHERES MAH REPARATIONS WHITE DEVILS" comments but was somewhat surprised to find the comments kind of didn't go in that direction. Oh, but that doesn't mean there weren't some nasty comments and you know what? If you believe every person in a certain race is evil, then I feel sorry for you. There is evil in every race and there is good in every race and that is just sad if you can't see that. And then for people to slam people of their own race for realizing that is even fucking sadder. There were black people in these comments- well, claiming to be, although I still think they're all really privileged white girls- tearing into other blacks for not thinking all white people are evil. That's just pathetic. Then again, I think the people on this site are the type you can't please no matter what you say or do. Hate a certain race? RACIST. Love a certain race and show appreciation for it? Then you suffer from "white guilt" and partake in "culture appropriation" and are trying to steal their culture with your "white privilege". THERE IS NO WIN.
I decided to read up on spinal surgery last night- I DON'T KNOW WHY- and much of the article talked about fractures and spinal cord injuries and the more I read, the more I kept telling myself stop reading, you're only going to upset yourself. But did I listen to myself? Noo. And did I get upset? Yes. I am starting to become more convinced that if I ever decide to attempt suicide, there is a very high chance That Thing is going to be the reason behind it.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Again Why
Woke up at 5:40AM and started to feel warm and a little sweaty. I am nauseous and my fingers are feeling tingly and I am starting to get super anxious. I also did end up getting up and exercising and after I got out of the shower I had a little bit of blood again so now I am worried I just made things worse all over again.
9:26PM: When I opened my email today at work, I had an email from my boss that had been sent to me about 20 minutes after I left on Tuesday apologizing for forgetting my birthday and wanting to know what I wanted for Monday. I was pretty damn pissed off. I don't think I would have been as pissed off if it wasn't for the fact that she did it like everything else she does- emails after the person leaves the office. Do something wrong? She'll never confront the situation while you're in the office. Instead, she'll wait until after you leave and email you so you can come into a nice scathing email first thing in the morning. I would have rather have had her pull me aside on Tuesday before I left and say, look I forgot your birthday (not that it wasn't clearly obvious). I didn't answer her back until about 3PM today.
And I swear if I get a market cake again I am going to scream. Not that I mind market cakes, they're usually pretty damn good, but everyone else always gets cakes from the bakery where I get my family birthday cake from. In fact, work is the first place I ever had that cake. And they are not very cheap cakes. Not to mention every time they ask me what I want, I never really get what I ask for. The first year I got a cake, I told my boss I like vanilla cake with vanilla icing and she bought me a vanilla cake with white icing and some kind of strawberry flavored filling. It was good, but what if I couldn't have strawberry? And last year I ended up with a cake with marble icing after asking for vanilla icing. And again, it was good, but why ask me what I like if you're not going to get what I say I like?
I got a Fitbit for Christmas and I decided to use it this morning and when I first strapped it on, my heart rate read 114 BPM. This was before I even started exercising. I was texting my sister earlier about things and I happened to mention it and a few minutes later she sends me a picture followed by a text that says the last one sounds like my case. When I enlarged the picture, it was a list of things causing tachycardia and the last one was emotional distress. I got up and went into the bathroom and cried. That did not help my bad mood by any means. Again, I don't doubt my anxiety is contributing to things, but I am bleeding and spotting between my period, which means something with my hormone levels isn't up to par, so why could that not possibly be contributing to my heart racing?
One day last week I think it was my anxiety levels were even higher than normal and no matter what I tried to do to calm down, I couldn't. I tried deep breathing and ended up nearly having a panic attack. Tried listening to "Siberian Breaks" and it didn't help much. Tried a shower and it didn't help much. So I posted something on Facebook asking for any other tips. My sister responds with "exercise!". I felt like saying are you fucking kidding me? She knows damn well I work out faithfully 5 days a week. And obviously it has no benefit on my anxiety levels, because if it did, I would not be the high strung train wreck I am right now. It used to keep my anxiety levels somewhat in check, but I don't know what in the hell happened.
9:26PM: When I opened my email today at work, I had an email from my boss that had been sent to me about 20 minutes after I left on Tuesday apologizing for forgetting my birthday and wanting to know what I wanted for Monday. I was pretty damn pissed off. I don't think I would have been as pissed off if it wasn't for the fact that she did it like everything else she does- emails after the person leaves the office. Do something wrong? She'll never confront the situation while you're in the office. Instead, she'll wait until after you leave and email you so you can come into a nice scathing email first thing in the morning. I would have rather have had her pull me aside on Tuesday before I left and say, look I forgot your birthday (not that it wasn't clearly obvious). I didn't answer her back until about 3PM today.
And I swear if I get a market cake again I am going to scream. Not that I mind market cakes, they're usually pretty damn good, but everyone else always gets cakes from the bakery where I get my family birthday cake from. In fact, work is the first place I ever had that cake. And they are not very cheap cakes. Not to mention every time they ask me what I want, I never really get what I ask for. The first year I got a cake, I told my boss I like vanilla cake with vanilla icing and she bought me a vanilla cake with white icing and some kind of strawberry flavored filling. It was good, but what if I couldn't have strawberry? And last year I ended up with a cake with marble icing after asking for vanilla icing. And again, it was good, but why ask me what I like if you're not going to get what I say I like?
I got a Fitbit for Christmas and I decided to use it this morning and when I first strapped it on, my heart rate read 114 BPM. This was before I even started exercising. I was texting my sister earlier about things and I happened to mention it and a few minutes later she sends me a picture followed by a text that says the last one sounds like my case. When I enlarged the picture, it was a list of things causing tachycardia and the last one was emotional distress. I got up and went into the bathroom and cried. That did not help my bad mood by any means. Again, I don't doubt my anxiety is contributing to things, but I am bleeding and spotting between my period, which means something with my hormone levels isn't up to par, so why could that not possibly be contributing to my heart racing?
One day last week I think it was my anxiety levels were even higher than normal and no matter what I tried to do to calm down, I couldn't. I tried deep breathing and ended up nearly having a panic attack. Tried listening to "Siberian Breaks" and it didn't help much. Tried a shower and it didn't help much. So I posted something on Facebook asking for any other tips. My sister responds with "exercise!". I felt like saying are you fucking kidding me? She knows damn well I work out faithfully 5 days a week. And obviously it has no benefit on my anxiety levels, because if it did, I would not be the high strung train wreck I am right now. It used to keep my anxiety levels somewhat in check, but I don't know what in the hell happened.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Why
So since Tuesday I have been having the lousy brown spotting. Woke up this morning around 9:30AM feeling an odd combination of warm and cold. Eventually fell back asleep. Woke up past 11:30AM and when I went into the bathroom I had more brown spotting and a little while later, I had a lot of dark blood, almost like my period. Which I just got 2 weeks ago exactly. I don't know if it's still just spotting or if it's my actual period again. I am nauseous as hell. I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me. And I am freaking the fuck out.
This just had to happen on Christmas, didn't it?
Oh well, Merry Christmas everyone.
9:36PM: Good god, I have no self-control. I have eaten so damn much food today. And normally on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I will exercise 45 minutes instead of my normal 30, but this year I said what the hell, I'll just add another day of 30 minutes instead. Except now I am afraid to due to the bleeding I had earlier. It seems to have stopped for now, but I am not letting my guard down. I don't know what to do come tomorrow. I'll feel guilty if I don't exercise, but if I start bleeding again, then I'll get upset all over again.
I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. Ugh. Any employer who makes their employees go back to work the day after Christmas should be struck down by lightening. And if my FWA posts one more goddamn picture or video of her brat's first Christmas, I am going to scream. Mostly because she is in EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN ONE.
And speaking of wanting to scream, the post-holiday blues are already starting.
This just had to happen on Christmas, didn't it?
Oh well, Merry Christmas everyone.
9:36PM: Good god, I have no self-control. I have eaten so damn much food today. And normally on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I will exercise 45 minutes instead of my normal 30, but this year I said what the hell, I'll just add another day of 30 minutes instead. Except now I am afraid to due to the bleeding I had earlier. It seems to have stopped for now, but I am not letting my guard down. I don't know what to do come tomorrow. I'll feel guilty if I don't exercise, but if I start bleeding again, then I'll get upset all over again.
I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. Ugh. Any employer who makes their employees go back to work the day after Christmas should be struck down by lightening. And if my FWA posts one more goddamn picture or video of her brat's first Christmas, I am going to scream. Mostly because she is in EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN ONE.
And speaking of wanting to scream, the post-holiday blues are already starting.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Random Thoughts
I do not understand why Malwarebytes is set to check for updates once every hour on my computer yet certain times it decides to check for updates multiple times in a one hour span. It always happens in the 9PM hour when I am in the midst of listening to music and checking up on certain webpages. And it always, without fail, manages to check for updates when I am in the midst of listening to a really good song and then it gets all distorted because my computer is fucking prehistoric and can't handle that much memory usage.
So it's my birthday. Can't say I feel any different than when I woke up. Got no birthday cake or anything in work. At least all of my coworkers wished me a happy birthday. Everyone that is except my boss. Even when one of my coworkers was standing right next to her and said happy birthday to me, she didn't say anything. Bitch.
I was planning on being as good as possible today. That didn't happen. I had pizza for dinner, then a cookie, and I just ate 2 cupcakes. Two! And then bad eating for the next 2 days! ARGH!
And because I was going to be bad, I decided to get on my bike earlier. And while I was on there, I thought watch, later on when I go to pee, I'll probably start bleeding. I'll give you one guess what I faced a little over an hour later. I don't understand why when I come home from work and exercise, I bleed. Why can I exercise in the morning with no problem? It's so frustrating!
One day last week, my crown decided to remind my brain of its existence, so now I have been obsessing over it breaking or loosening again. Or that one of my real teeth is cracked and worrying that it's going to get infected and I'll need root canal. I am not chewing right and it's giving me pain that only makes my worrying worse. The left side of my jaw is hurting right now and I am all tense that there is an infection brewing inside, although it's more than likely my jaw muscles hurting from grinding and not chewing right.
I hate my teeth so much right now. I can look in my mouth right now and pick out at least 2 teeth that probably need or will need crowns. I'll lose my freaking mind if I have to get more crowns. Why do I even bother taking such good care of my teeth?
Goddamn, I am listening to "The Other Side" by Paul Van Dyk and Wayne Jackson (the Deep Dish remix version) and the bass of it is about to blow my eardrums out. Every time I listen to that song, I think of the Futurama episode "The Sting". I always find that episode incredibly depressing. The song itself is pretty depressing and haunting when you listen to the lyrics. If I recall, Paul wrote the song in response to the South East Asia tsunami, but I am not sure.
So it's my birthday. Can't say I feel any different than when I woke up. Got no birthday cake or anything in work. At least all of my coworkers wished me a happy birthday. Everyone that is except my boss. Even when one of my coworkers was standing right next to her and said happy birthday to me, she didn't say anything. Bitch.
I was planning on being as good as possible today. That didn't happen. I had pizza for dinner, then a cookie, and I just ate 2 cupcakes. Two! And then bad eating for the next 2 days! ARGH!
And because I was going to be bad, I decided to get on my bike earlier. And while I was on there, I thought watch, later on when I go to pee, I'll probably start bleeding. I'll give you one guess what I faced a little over an hour later. I don't understand why when I come home from work and exercise, I bleed. Why can I exercise in the morning with no problem? It's so frustrating!
One day last week, my crown decided to remind my brain of its existence, so now I have been obsessing over it breaking or loosening again. Or that one of my real teeth is cracked and worrying that it's going to get infected and I'll need root canal. I am not chewing right and it's giving me pain that only makes my worrying worse. The left side of my jaw is hurting right now and I am all tense that there is an infection brewing inside, although it's more than likely my jaw muscles hurting from grinding and not chewing right.
I hate my teeth so much right now. I can look in my mouth right now and pick out at least 2 teeth that probably need or will need crowns. I'll lose my freaking mind if I have to get more crowns. Why do I even bother taking such good care of my teeth?
Goddamn, I am listening to "The Other Side" by Paul Van Dyk and Wayne Jackson (the Deep Dish remix version) and the bass of it is about to blow my eardrums out. Every time I listen to that song, I think of the Futurama episode "The Sting". I always find that episode incredibly depressing. The song itself is pretty depressing and haunting when you listen to the lyrics. If I recall, Paul wrote the song in response to the South East Asia tsunami, but I am not sure.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
The Awesome Of The Day
Went to the Christmas village in Philly yesterday and saw this:
This was the gist of my reaction:
This was the gist of my reaction:
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Random Thoughts
Boy, my mind is really turning into one sadistic bastard.
One of my coworkers sent out an email a few weeks ago inviting all of us to her house for a Christmas party this Saturday. Naturally it slipped my mind and I never got around to letting her know if I would come or not. Now I won't deny that I am partly at fault because I forgot, but then again, why wouldn't she ask people if they were coming or not if they didn't give her an answer? Things slip people's minds, you know. Before she left today, she said to everyone "see you tomorrow" and then told to me to have a nice weekend. One of my coworkers asked me before I left if I was going and I was kind of caught off guard and at first didn't say anything, then just said that I was going to dinner for my birthday and wasn't sure if I could make it. Anything to make me come off more as an asocial pariah. Why do I have to be so goddamn awkward? The sad thing about social phobia is you end up coming off exactly how you fear coming off to people.
The other day in work, my boss gave me a patient's office visit note to add to a report. The original report was done by my FWA. Before I added in when I needed to add in, I decided to look at what my FWA typed compared to what was in the records. Maybe I over think shit too much, but JFC, she really leaves a lot out. In fact, she didn't even make one mention of the person attending physical therapy- in the report or the bibliography. She had an x-ray arthrogram and an MRI arthrogram as just plain old x-rays and a plain old MRI. On Friday, I had to add in radiology results to another report she had done before and she didn't even mention for the doctor visit before the test that the doctor had ordered the MRI. I can't even begin to imagine how much shit she leaves out in all of her reports. No wonder she gets shit done so quickly.
I was in the bathroom earlier at work and I happened to look down below and I thought omg, do I (as in the labia minora area) look smaller? Is it atrophied?! The fact that I have been feeling kind of irritated and at times, kind of itchy down below isn't helping. Neither is the fact that my bladder has been bothering me. Now I am back to pulling my mirror off the wall and looking down below. I am worried I am having dryness and whenever I am in the bathroom, I feel around for any.
The good news is I am finally going to be seeing a gynecologist that is willing to do blood work on me. The bad news is I cannot see him until the end of January. I hate waiting that long, but I have been worried about this for what now? Over a year or so? What's another month, right?
I ran to the mall on Wednesday night and I am sorry I did. When I saw what I saw, I should have just turned around and parked somewhere else. But no, I didn't. And I ended up in a worse mood than I already was in. Started having some pretty strong suicidal ideation as well.
And because I don't make myself look bad enough all of the time, why don't I go ahead and make myself look even worse? When That Thing flares up, seeing or hearing about disabled people is incredibly difficult. Like to the point where if I see one, like on Wednesday night, I want to have a meltdown that would make a toddler envious. You know the scene in Girl, Interrupted when they're all doing exercises- I believe they're to imagine themselves as trees or something- and Janet starts to flip the fuck out? Yeah, like that. Just not screaming "That is not fair! Seventy-four is the perfect weight!". I actually don't know what I would want to scream. Instead, my mood just abruptly changes and everyone gets pissed off at me for getting into a bad mood for no apparent reason, while I just want to scream because I can't tell anyone why my mood changed.
God, I am a terrible person.
I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. WHY DID IT HAVE TO COME BACK?
One of my coworkers sent out an email a few weeks ago inviting all of us to her house for a Christmas party this Saturday. Naturally it slipped my mind and I never got around to letting her know if I would come or not. Now I won't deny that I am partly at fault because I forgot, but then again, why wouldn't she ask people if they were coming or not if they didn't give her an answer? Things slip people's minds, you know. Before she left today, she said to everyone "see you tomorrow" and then told to me to have a nice weekend. One of my coworkers asked me before I left if I was going and I was kind of caught off guard and at first didn't say anything, then just said that I was going to dinner for my birthday and wasn't sure if I could make it. Anything to make me come off more as an asocial pariah. Why do I have to be so goddamn awkward? The sad thing about social phobia is you end up coming off exactly how you fear coming off to people.
The other day in work, my boss gave me a patient's office visit note to add to a report. The original report was done by my FWA. Before I added in when I needed to add in, I decided to look at what my FWA typed compared to what was in the records. Maybe I over think shit too much, but JFC, she really leaves a lot out. In fact, she didn't even make one mention of the person attending physical therapy- in the report or the bibliography. She had an x-ray arthrogram and an MRI arthrogram as just plain old x-rays and a plain old MRI. On Friday, I had to add in radiology results to another report she had done before and she didn't even mention for the doctor visit before the test that the doctor had ordered the MRI. I can't even begin to imagine how much shit she leaves out in all of her reports. No wonder she gets shit done so quickly.
I was in the bathroom earlier at work and I happened to look down below and I thought omg, do I (as in the labia minora area) look smaller? Is it atrophied?! The fact that I have been feeling kind of irritated and at times, kind of itchy down below isn't helping. Neither is the fact that my bladder has been bothering me. Now I am back to pulling my mirror off the wall and looking down below. I am worried I am having dryness and whenever I am in the bathroom, I feel around for any.
The good news is I am finally going to be seeing a gynecologist that is willing to do blood work on me. The bad news is I cannot see him until the end of January. I hate waiting that long, but I have been worried about this for what now? Over a year or so? What's another month, right?
I ran to the mall on Wednesday night and I am sorry I did. When I saw what I saw, I should have just turned around and parked somewhere else. But no, I didn't. And I ended up in a worse mood than I already was in. Started having some pretty strong suicidal ideation as well.
And because I don't make myself look bad enough all of the time, why don't I go ahead and make myself look even worse? When That Thing flares up, seeing or hearing about disabled people is incredibly difficult. Like to the point where if I see one, like on Wednesday night, I want to have a meltdown that would make a toddler envious. You know the scene in Girl, Interrupted when they're all doing exercises- I believe they're to imagine themselves as trees or something- and Janet starts to flip the fuck out? Yeah, like that. Just not screaming "That is not fair! Seventy-four is the perfect weight!". I actually don't know what I would want to scream. Instead, my mood just abruptly changes and everyone gets pissed off at me for getting into a bad mood for no apparent reason, while I just want to scream because I can't tell anyone why my mood changed.
God, I am a terrible person.
I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. WHY DID IT HAVE TO COME BACK?
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
FUCK
I am so damn anxious and depressed right now I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't know what my problem is, although I can tell you right now I am fully convinced my hormones are completely by this. I had a migraine last night and am convinced it's just another sign I am in perimenopause. Why must every fucking symptom I have have to be a sign of menopause? Can I just have one goddamn symptom that isn't a symptom of it? I am so damn overwhelmed I just want to break down and cry and cry and cry until I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore. The good news is I have no real desire to hurt myself or anything, but the not so good news is I would fully welcome going to bed and never waking up again.
I was on my bike when I came home from work and a jewelry commercial came on. If you know the gist of That Thing, then you'll know which one I am talking about and you'll (possibly) understand why I wanted to take the 3 pound hand weight I was holding and hurl it at the TV screen. I didn't need this to come back. I really didn't. I just want to go to some doctor and scream "For the love of God, please explain to me why a perfectly able-bodied person no longer wants to be, because I sure as fuck don't understand why!".
I just....
I was on my bike when I came home from work and a jewelry commercial came on. If you know the gist of That Thing, then you'll know which one I am talking about and you'll (possibly) understand why I wanted to take the 3 pound hand weight I was holding and hurl it at the TV screen. I didn't need this to come back. I really didn't. I just want to go to some doctor and scream "For the love of God, please explain to me why a perfectly able-bodied person no longer wants to be, because I sure as fuck don't understand why!".
I just....
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Here We Go Again
All night I have been so damn cold I broke down into tears at one point. My hands feel like death right now. I am dreading going to sleep that I am going to wake up hot, though.
7:26AM: well, the good news is I did not wake up hot at all. I did wake up twice but fell back asleep. My only complaint is the pit of fire in my stomach right now. My mom will just say it's acid reflux, which makes sense, but it's odd that it seems to keep occuring as soon as my period ends. But I am not supposed to believe there is anything wrong with my hormones, right?
7:26AM: well, the good news is I did not wake up hot at all. I did wake up twice but fell back asleep. My only complaint is the pit of fire in my stomach right now. My mom will just say it's acid reflux, which makes sense, but it's odd that it seems to keep occuring as soon as my period ends. But I am not supposed to believe there is anything wrong with my hormones, right?
Monday, December 15, 2014
Bleh
Woke up around 4:15AM feeling very warm and a little sweaty. Got out of bed and walked around some and then got back in to bed and pulled the covers up and immediately felt very warm again (for the record, I was sleeping with the same amount of covers I always do). I eventually fell back asleep and then woke up and briefly felt warm again. Right now I feel chilled, nauseous, and very anxious.
I don't think there is a point where I ever feel good anymore.
Merry fucking holidays.
I don't think there is a point where I ever feel good anymore.
Merry fucking holidays.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Random Thoughts
Well, that was a quick 3.5 day weekend. Friday ended up not being too bad of a day. It just ended up being super cold and one of the main reasons I wanted to go to Peddler's was to see it lit up at night and we didn't even get to do that. Oh, and then there was the whole my brother-in-law could barely stay awake driving and was also tailgating people big time. At one point, we were doing over 80 mph and I don't think he was even 2 car lengths behind the car in front of us. And instead of just going around them, he rides their ass until they get over into the other lane. I swear, I have never met someone so fucking stubborn and arrogant in my life as my BIL.
And then when we went to dinner, at one point I seen him stare at my parents with that look on his face and I felt like throwing something at him. It's pretty funny that my sister can't stand how her mother-in-law stares at people and doesn't realize that her own husband does it as well. Then again, there are a lot of things her in-laws do that she doesn't seem to realize her husband does as well. Like how he acts like an impatient arrogant asshole like his father or how he acts like a know-it-all like his mother. It's amazing how oblivious she is to shit sometimes.
I hate those Big Lots holiday commercials so much. I also hate those Wayfair commercials. That song is so unbelievably annoying. And what in the hell kind of crack is Kmart's marketing team smoking? I just saw that commercial with the pregnant women stripper dancing the other night and almost puked my face off. And the one with the men using their beer bellies as drums.....ew. Do people really find this shit funny? Why are so many commercials so annoying nowadays?
Speaking of funny, I don't know why I never checked it out before, but not too long ago I decided to start reading the comments on Cracked.com's Facebook page. I can't decide whether the Facebook comments or the actual Cracked page's comments are funnier. Or on par. There was a photoplasty contest that popped up on my newsfeed back in October and one of the pictures was of Dr. House as an android looking thing and it was something about artificial intelligence coming to medicine and I knew before I even opened the comments that there was going to be multiple House jokes and at least one reference to lupus. I was not disappointed. When I came across the comment that said "error: lupus not found", I guffawed for about 10 minutes.
And speaking of laughing hard, on Friday I was over on the Berry and there was a section of pictures called Doing Things Differently Photos and a little ways down, there was a picture of a wheelchair parked in a handicapped parking spot and I cackled for about 5 minutes, followed by a feeling of immense discomfort and then immense depression. I was thinking one day how I have said before that I need to just start accepting I am always going to be an outcast and then I thought about how much of one I would become if I ever told anyone about That Thing.
I didn't end up having any bouts of hot sweatiness during lunch, but then again, my soup wasn't super hot. I did feel a little bit warm the whole time I was eating lunch, but I think a lot of that had to do with my being anxious that I was going to end up super hot and sweaty. It also appears that It has decided to grace me with its presence again. I still don't know why it does that. All I know is I am beyond sick and tired of being worried I am going through perimenopause.
And then when we went to dinner, at one point I seen him stare at my parents with that look on his face and I felt like throwing something at him. It's pretty funny that my sister can't stand how her mother-in-law stares at people and doesn't realize that her own husband does it as well. Then again, there are a lot of things her in-laws do that she doesn't seem to realize her husband does as well. Like how he acts like an impatient arrogant asshole like his father or how he acts like a know-it-all like his mother. It's amazing how oblivious she is to shit sometimes.
I hate those Big Lots holiday commercials so much. I also hate those Wayfair commercials. That song is so unbelievably annoying. And what in the hell kind of crack is Kmart's marketing team smoking? I just saw that commercial with the pregnant women stripper dancing the other night and almost puked my face off. And the one with the men using their beer bellies as drums.....ew. Do people really find this shit funny? Why are so many commercials so annoying nowadays?
Speaking of funny, I don't know why I never checked it out before, but not too long ago I decided to start reading the comments on Cracked.com's Facebook page. I can't decide whether the Facebook comments or the actual Cracked page's comments are funnier. Or on par. There was a photoplasty contest that popped up on my newsfeed back in October and one of the pictures was of Dr. House as an android looking thing and it was something about artificial intelligence coming to medicine and I knew before I even opened the comments that there was going to be multiple House jokes and at least one reference to lupus. I was not disappointed. When I came across the comment that said "error: lupus not found", I guffawed for about 10 minutes.
And speaking of laughing hard, on Friday I was over on the Berry and there was a section of pictures called Doing Things Differently Photos and a little ways down, there was a picture of a wheelchair parked in a handicapped parking spot and I cackled for about 5 minutes, followed by a feeling of immense discomfort and then immense depression. I was thinking one day how I have said before that I need to just start accepting I am always going to be an outcast and then I thought about how much of one I would become if I ever told anyone about That Thing.
I didn't end up having any bouts of hot sweatiness during lunch, but then again, my soup wasn't super hot. I did feel a little bit warm the whole time I was eating lunch, but I think a lot of that had to do with my being anxious that I was going to end up super hot and sweaty. It also appears that It has decided to grace me with its presence again. I still don't know why it does that. All I know is I am beyond sick and tired of being worried I am going through perimenopause.
Ugh
I did my normal routine today of bike, shower, and coffee and while I was in the midst of drinking my coffee, I got real hot and sweaty. To be fair, I did have a very hot shower, but now all I keep thinking if, was it a hot flash? And I am planning on having soup for lunch and now I am worried the same thing is going to happen.
And yes, my monthly bitch did finally come on Thursday (35 days again) and now there is no sign of it. It does have the tendency to disappear for a little bit around this time and then come back, but now all I keep thinking it, what if it doesn't come back like it normally does?
And yes, my monthly bitch did finally come on Thursday (35 days again) and now there is no sign of it. It does have the tendency to disappear for a little bit around this time and then come back, but now all I keep thinking it, what if it doesn't come back like it normally does?
Saturday, December 13, 2014
LOL
How is it I have seen the "Survival of the Idiots" episode of Spongebob about a million times yet tonight I find it exceptionally hilarious?
Thursday, December 11, 2014
And So On
Period still is not fully here. I have been up since about 4:30AM. Plus my nose and mouth are very dry and I am very stuffy and all I keep thinking is they are all just more signs.
I have really had it with this.
I have really had it with this.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Random Thoughts
My FWA called out "sick" today. God help us all if we're all still together when her brat goes to school. Then she'll be calling out every other day because either the brat is sick or she "caught" something from the brat. Or even more horrifying- she'll have more than one brat.
I think my monthly bitch is finally coming on. I won't relax until it fully comes on, of course, although that will probably be a short-lived bliss, because at some point it will occur to me that my period could end too soon or too late or come too early next month or too late or not ever again and then I will freak the fuck out all over again. And now I am worried that the time between my periods is going to start getting longer and longer and I am very worried why physically and emotionally I am such a mess before my period and around ovulation time.
I think my monthly bitch is finally coming on. I won't relax until it fully comes on, of course, although that will probably be a short-lived bliss, because at some point it will occur to me that my period could end too soon or too late or come too early next month or too late or not ever again and then I will freak the fuck out all over again. And now I am worried that the time between my periods is going to start getting longer and longer and I am very worried why physically and emotionally I am such a mess before my period and around ovulation time.
And Again
Another night of sleeping terribly. No period still. My heart is racing. My hands feel hot and tingly. I am very nauseous. I just took an Ativan so I hope it kicks in soon and helps some.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Here We Go Again
Second straight morning of waking up way earlier than I needed to be and being unable to fall back asleep. I am nauseous, cranky, anxious, crampy, and my boobs hurt even more. I am on day 33 and it is still not here and I am getting very anxious over when and if it's coming. And now I am wondering why it's coming later again and is that going to be a new thing and will it eventually start to come even later and further apart.
7:23PM: Still not here. I am about to freak the fuck out.
As if I wasn't in a bad enough mood this morning, I open my email at work and I have an email from my boss telling me I have to sit up front because my FWA can't come in until 12:30. This is the 3rd week in a row where she came in late one day. This is getting fucking ridiculous now. It it going to be a weekly thing now, coming in late one morning?
And because it was a doctor day, which meant if I sat up front I would have had to deal with patients, which I am pretty awful about doing, and being in the snippy mood I was in, I went in and not too kindly reminded my boss that the one who plays on her phone all the time was going to be in as well, because apparently the dumbass forgot.
And then not only that, the little brazen bitch didn't show up until 1. I would love to know where in the hell she is getting the paid time off to keep taking this many half days.
I just saw some headline on Facebook that Columbia law students want delays on their exams because they are too distressed from the Brown and Garner cases. Really? This is the future of American law? I think these people need to reconsider their career path. What will they do if and when they lose a case? These people are going to be eaten alive in the courtroom.
9:49PM: And here comes the anxiety from hell. My chest is tight, my heart is racing, I'm nauseous....WHY WON'T IT JUST COME ALREADY? And right now all I want to do is cry and cry and cry until I can't cry anymore. For the love of God, WHY CAN'T I JUST CRY ALREADY?
7:23PM: Still not here. I am about to freak the fuck out.
As if I wasn't in a bad enough mood this morning, I open my email at work and I have an email from my boss telling me I have to sit up front because my FWA can't come in until 12:30. This is the 3rd week in a row where she came in late one day. This is getting fucking ridiculous now. It it going to be a weekly thing now, coming in late one morning?
And because it was a doctor day, which meant if I sat up front I would have had to deal with patients, which I am pretty awful about doing, and being in the snippy mood I was in, I went in and not too kindly reminded my boss that the one who plays on her phone all the time was going to be in as well, because apparently the dumbass forgot.
And then not only that, the little brazen bitch didn't show up until 1. I would love to know where in the hell she is getting the paid time off to keep taking this many half days.
I just saw some headline on Facebook that Columbia law students want delays on their exams because they are too distressed from the Brown and Garner cases. Really? This is the future of American law? I think these people need to reconsider their career path. What will they do if and when they lose a case? These people are going to be eaten alive in the courtroom.
9:49PM: And here comes the anxiety from hell. My chest is tight, my heart is racing, I'm nauseous....WHY WON'T IT JUST COME ALREADY? And right now all I want to do is cry and cry and cry until I can't cry anymore. For the love of God, WHY CAN'T I JUST CRY ALREADY?
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Random Thoughts
If my period doesn't come soon, I am going to scream. I have nasty PMS, my boobs hurt, and I am starting to worry that it's going to come later than last month or not at all.
I'm not done with that whole Twitter thing. We all know how much I love Andrew, but that boy needs to take a few seats. And the fact that I am having to sit here and defend Taylor Swift is pissing me off to no end. Out of all of the celebrities in the world, many of whom are completely selfish and worthless, I don't understand why he targets her specifically.
And then to say this:
Laugh. Out. Fucking. Loud. Dude, it's not like your Twitter page is exactly oozing with socially conscious messages either. What exactly is Andrew doing for this? And how does he know she doesn't? It's not like Andrew seems to pay much attention to shit anyway (see: calling out the Flaming Lips too). Isn't she pretty charitable? And last time I checked Twitter is not the only medium on earth for someone to spread a socially conscious message.
Also, I can't stand the horde of fans rushing in with their "OMG I love you your so right!" tweets. Good god, the MGMT fans on Tumblr must be frigging pissing themselves in excitement over these tweets. Why does such a great band have to have such a large number of embarrassing fans? Although to be fair, most bands seem to. Pretty much any Twitter of a band and/or musician I keep up with is filled with embarrassing tweets from fans. Facebook as well.
And why is Tumblr such a cesspool of embarrassment? And I swear, if I see one more white person complain about "white privilege", I am going to kick them.
God, I hate you so much right now Andrew for making me defend Taylor Swift.
So the party wasn't too terrible on Friday. No one pestered me to eat, although I now (yes, 2 days later) am racked with guilt for not eating, although it's not like there was anything for me to eat anyway. I did end up bringing home 2 pieces of cheesecake, though, and ate a half of each. I really wanted to be good on Friday and I ended up going way over my calorie intake. Then went over it on Saturday. And today. I'm pretty pissed at myself. And tired of having to be so strict.
And speaking of pissed, my FWA managed to piss me off 3 times that day. The first time was during the party- I was talking with my favorite doctor about Italy and then we were talking about Philadelphia and I said I grew up not far from the Tacony Palmyra Bridge and then I said something about that being the bridge I always take when I drive into Philly and then my FWA had to butt in and say that's the bridge she always takes. And how the last time she took it, there was an opening and she had a screaming hungry baby in the back. Then the doctor told a story about another time with an opening and someone being in labor and when he was finished, then she starts about when her water broke. At that point, the one who plays on her phone all the time threw down her dish and said "okay I'm done" and left the room and our most senior employee and I followed right behind her. We have all heard that story a million damn times. No one cares! Every woman in that room minus me has had their water break. At least twice!
Oh, but my bad, I forgot- every thing is 100 times more dramatic for her.
Then our most senior employee and I were talking about kids and she was walking by and as usual, had to stop and listen in. And then hijack it about her fucking brat. Our most senior employee got up and went to the bathroom. When she came back she gave me such a look and I just shook my head and said "I know!". Then the third time, one of my coworkers was asking me about my nephew and she interrupted that to talk about her brat again. I just walked away again. I heard my coworker bitching later on about her interrupting the conversation.
Girls' shopping day ended up not being too bad. Minus the pouring rain. I think the whole thing I was upset over was wondering how late we were going to be out. Anymore I have really bad anxiety issues over being out late. But we got home before 10, so I was relieved about that.
This issue with being out late is starting to annoy me. My sister asked me if I wanted to do something tomorrow night and it's from 8 to 11 and while I wouldn't mind going, I don't want to be out that late. And now I feel so awful and guilty.
And speaking of feeling awful, I had to go to that baby shower today and when we got there, my cousin (the mother-in-law of the guest of honor) told us there was an open table and after we said hi to people, we went back to the table. Which was basically in a corner and was just my mom, my sister, and me. I was a little bugged by it, but my mom was very upset.
I guess I need to just start accepting I am always going to be an outcast. I know my odd behavior and tendency to be bitchy (although the latter tends to be done in private) doesn't help.....but it's not like I was always like that, so what was the excuse back then? This kind of treatment is why I am the way I am today. In school, I was extremely quiet and shy, but if I did talk to anyone, I usually was pleasant and I usually talked with anyone. Yet I still had to endure a lot of shit from people. Even my teachers got on me about being too shy and quiet (usually in front of the entire class) and would treat me pretty rudely over it. Why was it such a big deal that I was shy and quiet? I grew up with all of my cousins ignoring me for no damn reason. I don't get it.
And then to annoy me even more, I find out yesterday that my sister had my brother-in-law take off Friday. The day I am off as well. So now I get to have the day off to do something Christmasy....and my brother-in-law is going to be there to probably ruin it. Thanks a lot, sis.
I'm not done with that whole Twitter thing. We all know how much I love Andrew, but that boy needs to take a few seats. And the fact that I am having to sit here and defend Taylor Swift is pissing me off to no end. Out of all of the celebrities in the world, many of whom are completely selfish and worthless, I don't understand why he targets her specifically.
And then to say this:
@evsmora @taylorswift13 yeah with a gazillion people following her every move. Imagine if she said something socially conscious
— EmmaHayEmmaTay (@whoisMGMT) December 4, 2014
Laugh. Out. Fucking. Loud. Dude, it's not like your Twitter page is exactly oozing with socially conscious messages either. What exactly is Andrew doing for this? And how does he know she doesn't? It's not like Andrew seems to pay much attention to shit anyway (see: calling out the Flaming Lips too). Isn't she pretty charitable? And last time I checked Twitter is not the only medium on earth for someone to spread a socially conscious message.
Also, I can't stand the horde of fans rushing in with their "OMG I love you your so right!" tweets. Good god, the MGMT fans on Tumblr must be frigging pissing themselves in excitement over these tweets. Why does such a great band have to have such a large number of embarrassing fans? Although to be fair, most bands seem to. Pretty much any Twitter of a band and/or musician I keep up with is filled with embarrassing tweets from fans. Facebook as well.
And why is Tumblr such a cesspool of embarrassment? And I swear, if I see one more white person complain about "white privilege", I am going to kick them.
God, I hate you so much right now Andrew for making me defend Taylor Swift.
So the party wasn't too terrible on Friday. No one pestered me to eat, although I now (yes, 2 days later) am racked with guilt for not eating, although it's not like there was anything for me to eat anyway. I did end up bringing home 2 pieces of cheesecake, though, and ate a half of each. I really wanted to be good on Friday and I ended up going way over my calorie intake. Then went over it on Saturday. And today. I'm pretty pissed at myself. And tired of having to be so strict.
And speaking of pissed, my FWA managed to piss me off 3 times that day. The first time was during the party- I was talking with my favorite doctor about Italy and then we were talking about Philadelphia and I said I grew up not far from the Tacony Palmyra Bridge and then I said something about that being the bridge I always take when I drive into Philly and then my FWA had to butt in and say that's the bridge she always takes. And how the last time she took it, there was an opening and she had a screaming hungry baby in the back. Then the doctor told a story about another time with an opening and someone being in labor and when he was finished, then she starts about when her water broke. At that point, the one who plays on her phone all the time threw down her dish and said "okay I'm done" and left the room and our most senior employee and I followed right behind her. We have all heard that story a million damn times. No one cares! Every woman in that room minus me has had their water break. At least twice!
Oh, but my bad, I forgot- every thing is 100 times more dramatic for her.
Then our most senior employee and I were talking about kids and she was walking by and as usual, had to stop and listen in. And then hijack it about her fucking brat. Our most senior employee got up and went to the bathroom. When she came back she gave me such a look and I just shook my head and said "I know!". Then the third time, one of my coworkers was asking me about my nephew and she interrupted that to talk about her brat again. I just walked away again. I heard my coworker bitching later on about her interrupting the conversation.
Girls' shopping day ended up not being too bad. Minus the pouring rain. I think the whole thing I was upset over was wondering how late we were going to be out. Anymore I have really bad anxiety issues over being out late. But we got home before 10, so I was relieved about that.
This issue with being out late is starting to annoy me. My sister asked me if I wanted to do something tomorrow night and it's from 8 to 11 and while I wouldn't mind going, I don't want to be out that late. And now I feel so awful and guilty.
And speaking of feeling awful, I had to go to that baby shower today and when we got there, my cousin (the mother-in-law of the guest of honor) told us there was an open table and after we said hi to people, we went back to the table. Which was basically in a corner and was just my mom, my sister, and me. I was a little bugged by it, but my mom was very upset.
I guess I need to just start accepting I am always going to be an outcast. I know my odd behavior and tendency to be bitchy (although the latter tends to be done in private) doesn't help.....but it's not like I was always like that, so what was the excuse back then? This kind of treatment is why I am the way I am today. In school, I was extremely quiet and shy, but if I did talk to anyone, I usually was pleasant and I usually talked with anyone. Yet I still had to endure a lot of shit from people. Even my teachers got on me about being too shy and quiet (usually in front of the entire class) and would treat me pretty rudely over it. Why was it such a big deal that I was shy and quiet? I grew up with all of my cousins ignoring me for no damn reason. I don't get it.
And then to annoy me even more, I find out yesterday that my sister had my brother-in-law take off Friday. The day I am off as well. So now I get to have the day off to do something Christmasy....and my brother-in-law is going to be there to probably ruin it. Thanks a lot, sis.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Quote Of The Day
From "Law and Oracle":
Chief O'Mannahan: At ease, cadets. I'll make this short and sweet 'cause I'm PMS-in' like a lumberjack.
Ugh
As per my usual routine, I visited all my usual web sites when I came home. One of which is MGMT's Twatter page. All I have to say is WUT.
Look, I am not going to knock Andrew for having an opinion on what I assume is to be Ferguson and the whole police brutality thing. What I have an issue with is him complaining about others not speaking out. I'm sorry, why do people need to have an opinion and/or speak out on this? Maybe, just maybe, some people don't truly have an opinion on it. Maybe people don't have an opinion on it BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT THERE TO KNOW THE TRUE STORY. Like 99.9% of things in life, I am very ambivalent towards the case. Honestly, I don't think Michael Brown was entirely innocent in the whole thing, but I also don't think the cop was in the right either. Then again, I am not a cop, so what do I know when my life is being threatened? If it really was being threatened? Again, I was not there so I don't truly know what was going on between the 2 men.
The Eric Garner case, I am more inclined to form an opinion. I think that whole entire situation was just disgusting. The guy was repeatedly saying he couldn't breathe, for the love of God.
The only thing I am sure of is I do believe that racial profiling exists big time. And I disagree with the destructive rioting and looting. The cynic in me wonders how many of the people rioting and looting really give a flying fuck about the case. I seen a picture of a woman crying whose bakery was destroyed by these assholes and I felt so bad for her. I was glad to read a few days later that more than $200,000 was raised for her to rebuild her business.
Or maybe some people won't put out an opinion because they know whatever they say will be met with criticism. This is one of those situations where no matter which side you take, you're going to get reamed out by someone for it. And I think even if Taylor Swift was to say something about it, someone would eventually tell her she's just a basic white bitch who needs to sit down. I don't doubt it for one second. I can just see all the privileged white girl social justice warriors on ONTD losing their FREAKING minds at her. I can also see those same bitches tearing Andrew another asshole just for the sole reason of being a white boy. So, in the end, there is no win.
And clearly Andrew doesn't pay attention to shit, because if he did, he would know that Wayne Coyne is too busy partying with Miley Cyrus to offer an opinion on the whole situation.
ETA 9:40PM: This didn't occur to me until just now, but a big thing being posted on my local news' Facebook page when all the rioting and shit started was a picture of Autumn Pasquale and something about how when she was killed, no one rioted. If no one knows the story, she was a white tween girl killed by 2 black teen boys. Yes, it is true, no one did riot. Instead, Mommy and Daddy want to sue the police for not doing enough. That is just laughable. They found that girl in about 48 hours, give or take. That town was torn right side up to find her. And no matter when they found her, she would have been dead.
That story made me aware of just how true that whole thing about white girls missing being big news. During the same time she was missing, this absolutely adorable baby Indian girl was kidnapped and I barely heard squat about her. Every so often my local news would report on it, but not nearly as much as Autumn Pasquale and it pissed me off that the news didn't follow it more. Sadly, she ended up being found dead, but her killer, who I think was her uncle or something and had also killed the baby's grandmother, was just recently sentenced to death. One of the few times I fully support the death penalty.
Look, I am not going to knock Andrew for having an opinion on what I assume is to be Ferguson and the whole police brutality thing. What I have an issue with is him complaining about others not speaking out. I'm sorry, why do people need to have an opinion and/or speak out on this? Maybe, just maybe, some people don't truly have an opinion on it. Maybe people don't have an opinion on it BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT THERE TO KNOW THE TRUE STORY. Like 99.9% of things in life, I am very ambivalent towards the case. Honestly, I don't think Michael Brown was entirely innocent in the whole thing, but I also don't think the cop was in the right either. Then again, I am not a cop, so what do I know when my life is being threatened? If it really was being threatened? Again, I was not there so I don't truly know what was going on between the 2 men.
The Eric Garner case, I am more inclined to form an opinion. I think that whole entire situation was just disgusting. The guy was repeatedly saying he couldn't breathe, for the love of God.
The only thing I am sure of is I do believe that racial profiling exists big time. And I disagree with the destructive rioting and looting. The cynic in me wonders how many of the people rioting and looting really give a flying fuck about the case. I seen a picture of a woman crying whose bakery was destroyed by these assholes and I felt so bad for her. I was glad to read a few days later that more than $200,000 was raised for her to rebuild her business.
Or maybe some people won't put out an opinion because they know whatever they say will be met with criticism. This is one of those situations where no matter which side you take, you're going to get reamed out by someone for it. And I think even if Taylor Swift was to say something about it, someone would eventually tell her she's just a basic white bitch who needs to sit down. I don't doubt it for one second. I can just see all the privileged white girl social justice warriors on ONTD losing their FREAKING minds at her. I can also see those same bitches tearing Andrew another asshole just for the sole reason of being a white boy. So, in the end, there is no win.
And clearly Andrew doesn't pay attention to shit, because if he did, he would know that Wayne Coyne is too busy partying with Miley Cyrus to offer an opinion on the whole situation.
ETA 9:40PM: This didn't occur to me until just now, but a big thing being posted on my local news' Facebook page when all the rioting and shit started was a picture of Autumn Pasquale and something about how when she was killed, no one rioted. If no one knows the story, she was a white tween girl killed by 2 black teen boys. Yes, it is true, no one did riot. Instead, Mommy and Daddy want to sue the police for not doing enough. That is just laughable. They found that girl in about 48 hours, give or take. That town was torn right side up to find her. And no matter when they found her, she would have been dead.
That story made me aware of just how true that whole thing about white girls missing being big news. During the same time she was missing, this absolutely adorable baby Indian girl was kidnapped and I barely heard squat about her. Every so often my local news would report on it, but not nearly as much as Autumn Pasquale and it pissed me off that the news didn't follow it more. Sadly, she ended up being found dead, but her killer, who I think was her uncle or something and had also killed the baby's grandmother, was just recently sentenced to death. One of the few times I fully support the death penalty.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Random Thoughts
When I pulled up to work today, I saw a squirrel coming up the sidewalk. With a full slice of pizza in his mouth. I couldn't stop laughing.
I have wicked PMS today. I feel like ripping someone's face off. It all started when my boss was talking with us about the party on Friday. Then I had 2 small charts that SUCKED big time. Good God, I would take that big ass one I did Monday over those 2 any day. Then I finally got the chance to run to Wegman's and they were out of almost everything I needed. I don't want to go shopping on Saturday or to the baby shower on Sunday. I am tired of people and their damn showers.
And not only am I super cranky, but I am also feeling incredibly depressed. I was in the shower earlier and I felt like grabbing my razor and slitting my wrists. Not a pleasant feeling.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Guess I'll go watch some American Dad!.
I have wicked PMS today. I feel like ripping someone's face off. It all started when my boss was talking with us about the party on Friday. Then I had 2 small charts that SUCKED big time. Good God, I would take that big ass one I did Monday over those 2 any day. Then I finally got the chance to run to Wegman's and they were out of almost everything I needed. I don't want to go shopping on Saturday or to the baby shower on Sunday. I am tired of people and their damn showers.
And not only am I super cranky, but I am also feeling incredibly depressed. I was in the shower earlier and I felt like grabbing my razor and slitting my wrists. Not a pleasant feeling.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Guess I'll go watch some American Dad!.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Random Thoughts
So that ginormous file ended up not being nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't start it until 8:30 and finished it sometime around 3. Minus a half hour lunch and it took me about 6 hours. That's pretty damn good for me for a big chart like that. I actually finished it before 3, but because I just had to check over things before turning it in, I ended up finishing it then.
God, if I didn't have so much trouble concentrating and didn't have to obsessively check over things, I could probably knock out a a hell of a more work than I do now.
My FWA called out for the morning (she'll probably whine that she didn't get enough sleep again- if working mothers ever wonder why they get a bad rap in the work force, you can thank people like this bitch) and was expected in at 12:30PM. She came in at 12:50PM. And I guarantee my boss will not say a word to her. She'll just turn a blind eye to it all. Yesterday she came back 15 minutes late from lunch. But she never gets away with anything, right?
This weekend is going to SUCK. Saturday is our annual girl's shopping day, which I am not looking forward to. Sunday is a baby shower for one of my cousins, which I am not looking forward to. No time to have a really good sleep-in. At least next week is a 3.5 day week for me, although I won't be too surprised if my sister tries to hijack those 1.5 days.
Tomorrow is 1 year since I saw MGMT live last. *sobs* THEY NEED TO COME BACK!
God, if I didn't have so much trouble concentrating and didn't have to obsessively check over things, I could probably knock out a a hell of a more work than I do now.
My FWA called out for the morning (she'll probably whine that she didn't get enough sleep again- if working mothers ever wonder why they get a bad rap in the work force, you can thank people like this bitch) and was expected in at 12:30PM. She came in at 12:50PM. And I guarantee my boss will not say a word to her. She'll just turn a blind eye to it all. Yesterday she came back 15 minutes late from lunch. But she never gets away with anything, right?
This weekend is going to SUCK. Saturday is our annual girl's shopping day, which I am not looking forward to. Sunday is a baby shower for one of my cousins, which I am not looking forward to. No time to have a really good sleep-in. At least next week is a 3.5 day week for me, although I won't be too surprised if my sister tries to hijack those 1.5 days.
Tomorrow is 1 year since I saw MGMT live last. *sobs* THEY NEED TO COME BACK!
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Random Thoughts
Can't believe it's time to go back to work already. Ugh. I dread going in to that big ass file earlier. God, I am such a frigging idiot taking that on. What the hell is wrong with me?
Because of my guilt complex, I decided to put my FWA back on my Facebook newsfeed and I am already ready to remove her again. She posted almost 40 pictures on Thanksgiving for her brat's first Thanksgiving and all the pictures basically were of the baby playing on the floor. Wow, how exciting. And then the next night she posted 52 pictures of the baby meeting her cousin. Fifty two pictures! And every day it's a whole bunch of pictures. She posts pictures constantly and they all look like the same crap- the baby playing on the floor. Besides her family, who the fuck cares?
And on Thanksgiving she posted some sappy post about how thankful she is for her family and went on some long string about the amazing man by her side. Oh yeah, he's so amazing. He hasn't worked in god knows how many years and pretty sure he wasn't working when he knocked her up, the whole time she was knocked up, and to this day. That's why I still have to laugh about that day she whined to me about when she tried to get WIC and how did they expect her to support 3 people on a $28,000 a year salary. Your irresponsibility is not WIC's problem, sweetie.
One day in work I heard her call the one who plays on her phone "Vee". Apparently, that is her nickname, because it's on her lunch bag as well. Christ, that is a terrible nickname. All I can think of is that god awful Summer's Eve slogan "hail to the V". I loathe that slogan.
I was watching Sex and the City on E! earlier and while I like watching it, although I swear the same few episodes are showing every time I put it on, I cannot stomach the commercials for the shows E! airs. Pretty sure Satan must have spawned that station with the trash they play.
I wanted to bitch some lady out at the market earlier. I loathe people that deliberately get into express lanes with a significant amount more items than the maximum allowed. My mom and I were in a 15 items or less lane at the market earlier and this bitch behind us must have had at least 30 items. I think it's real shit that the cashiers can't say anything in most, if not all, places. When people do shit like that, I want to stand at the end of the register with a megaphone and count each item loudly as it comes down the belt and at the end, yell "congratulations! You had [number of items] in a [number of items] or less lane!".
I'm feeling blah that Thanksgiving is already over and Christmas is on its way. I realized a couple of posts I wrote that I love the holidays despite numerous past posts bitching about how much I hate the holidays. I do like the holidays themselves; it's just everything else that makes me dislike them. And having such bad depression problems doesn't help. It sucks the joy out of everything. Sometimes I don't think I truly realize how much joy my mental problems are taking out of life, although the fact that I am starting to not enjoy anything is making me more aware of it.
And That Thing coming back is zapping a giant amount of pleasure and enjoyment in anything. All I want, aside from it TO GO THE HELL AWAY, is for someone to explain to me why I would want this. Why someone would want 2 perfectly functioning body parts to no longer work, because I sure as hell don't know why. And "because you're nuts" is neither a logical nor legitimate reason. And it's not very nice. Plus, I am pretty sure I am well aware of that fact.
I have also been so damn cranky since I woke up yesterday morning and I don't even know why, except maybe the start of PMS. I'm on day 24, so it should probably be about that time. That is, assuming it comes around the normal time it does. Unless it comes earlier. Or later. Or not at all.
Because of my guilt complex, I decided to put my FWA back on my Facebook newsfeed and I am already ready to remove her again. She posted almost 40 pictures on Thanksgiving for her brat's first Thanksgiving and all the pictures basically were of the baby playing on the floor. Wow, how exciting. And then the next night she posted 52 pictures of the baby meeting her cousin. Fifty two pictures! And every day it's a whole bunch of pictures. She posts pictures constantly and they all look like the same crap- the baby playing on the floor. Besides her family, who the fuck cares?
And on Thanksgiving she posted some sappy post about how thankful she is for her family and went on some long string about the amazing man by her side. Oh yeah, he's so amazing. He hasn't worked in god knows how many years and pretty sure he wasn't working when he knocked her up, the whole time she was knocked up, and to this day. That's why I still have to laugh about that day she whined to me about when she tried to get WIC and how did they expect her to support 3 people on a $28,000 a year salary. Your irresponsibility is not WIC's problem, sweetie.
One day in work I heard her call the one who plays on her phone "Vee". Apparently, that is her nickname, because it's on her lunch bag as well. Christ, that is a terrible nickname. All I can think of is that god awful Summer's Eve slogan "hail to the V". I loathe that slogan.
I was watching Sex and the City on E! earlier and while I like watching it, although I swear the same few episodes are showing every time I put it on, I cannot stomach the commercials for the shows E! airs. Pretty sure Satan must have spawned that station with the trash they play.
I wanted to bitch some lady out at the market earlier. I loathe people that deliberately get into express lanes with a significant amount more items than the maximum allowed. My mom and I were in a 15 items or less lane at the market earlier and this bitch behind us must have had at least 30 items. I think it's real shit that the cashiers can't say anything in most, if not all, places. When people do shit like that, I want to stand at the end of the register with a megaphone and count each item loudly as it comes down the belt and at the end, yell "congratulations! You had [number of items] in a [number of items] or less lane!".
I'm feeling blah that Thanksgiving is already over and Christmas is on its way. I realized a couple of posts I wrote that I love the holidays despite numerous past posts bitching about how much I hate the holidays. I do like the holidays themselves; it's just everything else that makes me dislike them. And having such bad depression problems doesn't help. It sucks the joy out of everything. Sometimes I don't think I truly realize how much joy my mental problems are taking out of life, although the fact that I am starting to not enjoy anything is making me more aware of it.
And That Thing coming back is zapping a giant amount of pleasure and enjoyment in anything. All I want, aside from it TO GO THE HELL AWAY, is for someone to explain to me why I would want this. Why someone would want 2 perfectly functioning body parts to no longer work, because I sure as hell don't know why. And "because you're nuts" is neither a logical nor legitimate reason. And it's not very nice. Plus, I am pretty sure I am well aware of that fact.
I have also been so damn cranky since I woke up yesterday morning and I don't even know why, except maybe the start of PMS. I'm on day 24, so it should probably be about that time. That is, assuming it comes around the normal time it does. Unless it comes earlier. Or later. Or not at all.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Weird
Was just reading an article on a drone capturing images of Pripyat, Chernobyl and I had my music on and wasn't really paying attention to what was on and then I stopped and did so and realized I was listening to "Radioactive". How oddly appropriate.
Those pictures are haunting as hell.
ETA 1:34: You know what? Looking at those pictures and then reading up on Pripyat and the Chernobyl disaster at this time of the night was not a good idea.
Those pictures are haunting as hell.
ETA 1:34: You know what? Looking at those pictures and then reading up on Pripyat and the Chernobyl disaster at this time of the night was not a good idea.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Random Thoughts
My 4 day break is already almost half over. Disgusting. And I have a nice almost 2 inch chart waiting for me to work on come Monday. What the hell was I thinking taking that on? I'll tell you what it was- it was guilt. Guilt over my FWA and the other worker having to work on the bigger charts while my boss assigned me the smaller ones. Damn me and my stupid guilt complex.
And Friday is our luncheon. I want to smack my boss for changing the date.
I love the holidays, but I am starting to really resent them. Why? My brother-in-law. I don't even know why he bothers coming to anything. He's miserable and obnoxiously rude and if he isn't playing on his phone or staring at everyone with this nasty look on his face or talking obnoxiously to my sister, he is sleeping on the couch. Every fucking holiday. Or pretty much anytime he is over, he sleeps. And not a subtle sleep- I am talking sprawled out on the couch, head back, mouth wide open, and snoring. I don't know how in the hell my sister isn't embarrassed by him.
And then the way he stares at everyone. Like he is completely disgusted by everyone. I feel like turning to him one day and saying "look, buddy, last time I checked no one forced you to marry in to this family; you chose to. So either start respecting your in-laws who are constantly bending over backwards for you and your kid or get the fuck out already".
Sometimes I really wish I could just go away somewhere forever.
And Friday is our luncheon. I want to smack my boss for changing the date.
I love the holidays, but I am starting to really resent them. Why? My brother-in-law. I don't even know why he bothers coming to anything. He's miserable and obnoxiously rude and if he isn't playing on his phone or staring at everyone with this nasty look on his face or talking obnoxiously to my sister, he is sleeping on the couch. Every fucking holiday. Or pretty much anytime he is over, he sleeps. And not a subtle sleep- I am talking sprawled out on the couch, head back, mouth wide open, and snoring. I don't know how in the hell my sister isn't embarrassed by him.
And then the way he stares at everyone. Like he is completely disgusted by everyone. I feel like turning to him one day and saying "look, buddy, last time I checked no one forced you to marry in to this family; you chose to. So either start respecting your in-laws who are constantly bending over backwards for you and your kid or get the fuck out already".
Sometimes I really wish I could just go away somewhere forever.
The Headline Of The Day
Police: Pa. man stabbed for eating Thanksgiving dinner early
Seems like a perfectly reasonable reaction, eh?
It's a different scenario of "eating early", but it pisses me the hell off when people eat before everyone else has gotten their food. Every Thanksgiving my father and my grandfather get their food and sit down and start eating right away. Before anyone else has even gotten their food and sat down. Or said grace. Like JFC, you can't wait 5 minutes to stuff your fucking gullet?
Thanksgiving is really starting to piss me off.
As are people acting like greedy pigs on Black Friday:
Tussle over TV at Walmart caught on camera
Seems like a perfectly reasonable reaction, eh?
It's a different scenario of "eating early", but it pisses me the hell off when people eat before everyone else has gotten their food. Every Thanksgiving my father and my grandfather get their food and sit down and start eating right away. Before anyone else has even gotten their food and sat down. Or said grace. Like JFC, you can't wait 5 minutes to stuff your fucking gullet?
Thanksgiving is really starting to piss me off.
As are people acting like greedy pigs on Black Friday:
Tussle over TV at Walmart caught on camera
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Good God
My nephew is screaming so ungodly right now. SHOOT ME NOW. And my fat lazy brother-in-law is just sitting and playing on his phone.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
*Pure Bliss*
I am pretty sure I have listened to "Siberian Breaks" at least 1,500 times by now. How is that I still manage to be so amazed by it each and every time I listen to it?
Random Thoughts
Two days down. We're doing good so far. God, I need this break so bad!
I still laugh about my FWA coming in late the other day because she didn't get enough sleep. I hate to be one of those OMG my problems are worse types, but look at how many nights I barely got any sleep, if any at all and I drug my ass into work ON TIME (something she probably couldn't do even if she had 20 hours of sleep)? Hell, I still managed to do it even during the period when I had the insomnia from hell for well over a week. Sure, it was rough, but I still did it.
That bout of insomnia was terrible. I started to worry that at some point I was going to start resembling Timmy Turner in that episode of the Oddparents when he wishes no one needed sleep. I hope I never have to go through a bout like that ever again.
I still laugh about my FWA coming in late the other day because she didn't get enough sleep. I hate to be one of those OMG my problems are worse types, but look at how many nights I barely got any sleep, if any at all and I drug my ass into work ON TIME (something she probably couldn't do even if she had 20 hours of sleep)? Hell, I still managed to do it even during the period when I had the insomnia from hell for well over a week. Sure, it was rough, but I still did it.
That bout of insomnia was terrible. I started to worry that at some point I was going to start resembling Timmy Turner in that episode of the Oddparents when he wishes no one needed sleep. I hope I never have to go through a bout like that ever again.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Random Thoughts
One day down. In the end today wasn't too terrible. It started off shitty. My FWA decided she couldn't come in her normal time because the baby kept her up so she didn't come in until lunchtime. I was working on 2 charts and when it was getting close to my lunch time I started to feel really overwhelmed that I wasn't going to be able to finish my work before I left and I came very close to having a panic attack. Luckily I didn't have a panic attack and I managed to finish both of the charts before I left for the day. I am kind of kicking myself in the ass for not staying a little later, though. Not like I have anything better to do.
When I was getting ready for work this morning, I decided to take an Ativan. I think it kept me somewhat in check most of the day, minus the time when I wanted to freak out.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that the 3 of us will be able to get everything done by the end of Wednesday. Good god I hope so. I so badly need this 4 day weekend.
I am so nauseous right now and am having some bleeding. Yuck. I feel lousy. The whole drive home from work, I had the weirdest pain right above my groin area. And then had the bleeding later. I wonder if it's that mittelschmerz or whatever it's called. That is, assuming I am ovulating. Or I could have another cyst. Who in the hell knows what's going on with my women parts?
Sometimes I wonder if my hormones are pissed off because I have never been sexually active.
When I was getting ready for work this morning, I decided to take an Ativan. I think it kept me somewhat in check most of the day, minus the time when I wanted to freak out.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that the 3 of us will be able to get everything done by the end of Wednesday. Good god I hope so. I so badly need this 4 day weekend.
I am so nauseous right now and am having some bleeding. Yuck. I feel lousy. The whole drive home from work, I had the weirdest pain right above my groin area. And then had the bleeding later. I wonder if it's that mittelschmerz or whatever it's called. That is, assuming I am ovulating. Or I could have another cyst. Who in the hell knows what's going on with my women parts?
Sometimes I wonder if my hormones are pissed off because I have never been sexually active.
Blech
Good god, I do not want to go back to work. I wish by some miracle one of our doctors would cancel one of his days. But we would never be that lucky, would we?
My mom just got pissed at me and stormed off to bed.
That Thing
It's times like right now that I wish I would get the guts to do myself in already. I'm done with this whole life thing.
My mom just got pissed at me and stormed off to bed.
That Thing
It's times like right now that I wish I would get the guts to do myself in already. I'm done with this whole life thing.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Song Of The Day
After watching their AMA performance, I have finally decided I really fucking love this song:
Random Thoughts
Ugh, I am dreading going back to work. I don't know how I am ever going to get any work done in the proper amount of time. Why do I have to be so fucking slow with my work? And why do so many of our impending examinees all have such ENORMOUS charts? And why does the bitchy at home worker have to be on vacation NOW? To be fair, I am sure her vacation was approved long ago, so I can't fault her for being out when we suddenly get slammed with a lot of work. No, rather it's the fact that we have all been told that 1) we can't take more than 5 consecutive days and 2) we can't take vacation at the end of the month. Why the fuck did she get approved for this vacation? I was given a hard time for 3 lousy days that were 1) not at a time when work was backed up and 2) not at the end of the month. What the hell?
And the thing that is eating at me the most is how paranoid I am feeling over what my coworkers are probably saying about me. Why can't I just not give a shit?
Back when I first started, I remember doing a chart for a guy who had been paralyzed in a car accident and of course at the time That Thing had gone away, so I didn't think much about it. The only thing I remember thinking is for such a serious injury, I wonder why this guy doesn't have more medical records than this. Well, he is coming back and is on schedule for this week. And finally more medical records came through. It will be tough for me if I get stuck having to do it, because it will take me forever to do it because I am going to want to read every last single detail of the records. Unfortunately, I doubt "conflict of interest to my psyche" will fly as an excuse to get out of doing it. I'll do it, of course, if it's given to me, and I'll just have to do everything in my power to stick with what I need to read so I can get it done ASAP.
And reading through what I have, again I have to ask myself, why the fuck would I ever want this? Reading through what happens to your body after it happens (particularly to your bladder and intestines) and the complications that can occur, plus there is the whole not being able to walk part, who on earth would ever want something like that? I was on the Merck Manual Home Edition website on Friday night and I somehow ended up in the Fundamentals section and I saw a link for "Rehabilitation After a Spinal Injury" and I tried to resist clicking on it, but I eventually gave in and I felt so depressed after reading it, it hurt. I don't understand my brain.
And the thing that is eating at me the most is how paranoid I am feeling over what my coworkers are probably saying about me. Why can't I just not give a shit?
Back when I first started, I remember doing a chart for a guy who had been paralyzed in a car accident and of course at the time That Thing had gone away, so I didn't think much about it. The only thing I remember thinking is for such a serious injury, I wonder why this guy doesn't have more medical records than this. Well, he is coming back and is on schedule for this week. And finally more medical records came through. It will be tough for me if I get stuck having to do it, because it will take me forever to do it because I am going to want to read every last single detail of the records. Unfortunately, I doubt "conflict of interest to my psyche" will fly as an excuse to get out of doing it. I'll do it, of course, if it's given to me, and I'll just have to do everything in my power to stick with what I need to read so I can get it done ASAP.
And reading through what I have, again I have to ask myself, why the fuck would I ever want this? Reading through what happens to your body after it happens (particularly to your bladder and intestines) and the complications that can occur, plus there is the whole not being able to walk part, who on earth would ever want something like that? I was on the Merck Manual Home Edition website on Friday night and I somehow ended up in the Fundamentals section and I saw a link for "Rehabilitation After a Spinal Injury" and I tried to resist clicking on it, but I eventually gave in and I felt so depressed after reading it, it hurt. I don't understand my brain.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Quote Of The Day
From "Max Jets":
Waitress: So, have you decided?
Francine: Um, I see it says kids eat free? Does that include kids at heart?
Waitress: Yes, it does.
Thanks A Lot, Mainstream Radio
I heard "Take Me To Church" earlier on Mix 106.1. It has officially jumped the shark. You know what the funny thing is, though? Whenever it pops up on my iTunes playlist, I will listen to it, yet I want to scream whenever I hear it on the radio.
Also, every time I see someone use the term "bae", I want to to shank them.
Also, every time I see someone use the term "bae", I want to to shank them.
Random Thoughts
Good god, work SUCKS so much right now! I am too damn slow to have to work at a fast pace, especially on such big ass files. I have never felt so damn inadequate as I do right now! I am already so damn stressed out about Monday and this whole upcoming week and I am worried that they're going to try to take part of our Thanksgiving break away from us. After all of the overtime I have been putting in, and will probably be putting in, I desperately need this break.
And to add more to my stress levels, I have been very crampy this week, especially in my right side towards the hip area. Sometimes it's across the whole lower abdomen, sometimes it's across the whole lower back, sometimes both, sometimes it's just in the lower left side, and many times it spreads down my thighs. Right now it's on the right side right above my hip bone and spreading to the side and around the back. I wish I could describe the pain better, but all I can describe it as is similar to menstrual cramps. And again, it's not a terrible pain, but it is very uncomfortable. And when it gets maximum uncomfortable, I feel like I am just going to start bleeding any second.
And I have been having brown spotting since Tuesday. And- don't continue reading if you don't like TMI and/or are squeamish- a few times I have wiped in the bathroom and gotten these sticky blobs that resemble- I'm sorry for the description- chocolate pudding. A few times there has been blood. What the fuck is going on with my women parts? At this point, I am ready to tell a doctor to take my fucking uterus already. Yes, I am well aware I would be thrown into one of my biggest fears right now, menopause, but it's one thing if I CHOOSE to enter menopause. It's a whole other story if my body decides to enter it on its own accord at the wrong time.
I tried to figure out what exactly it is about menopause that terrifies me so much and I don't really know why it does. I am completely baffled what it is. The only thing I can think is that I would somehow blame myself for it happening, that I did something to bring it on (my diet, etc). I also felt the same way about Addison's disease, but I have also [shamefully] admitted that I was afraid of having it because I didn't want to have to take steroids and get fat.
Ugh, I need to go to bed. My eyes and I are exhausted.
And to add more to my stress levels, I have been very crampy this week, especially in my right side towards the hip area. Sometimes it's across the whole lower abdomen, sometimes it's across the whole lower back, sometimes both, sometimes it's just in the lower left side, and many times it spreads down my thighs. Right now it's on the right side right above my hip bone and spreading to the side and around the back. I wish I could describe the pain better, but all I can describe it as is similar to menstrual cramps. And again, it's not a terrible pain, but it is very uncomfortable. And when it gets maximum uncomfortable, I feel like I am just going to start bleeding any second.
And I have been having brown spotting since Tuesday. And- don't continue reading if you don't like TMI and/or are squeamish- a few times I have wiped in the bathroom and gotten these sticky blobs that resemble- I'm sorry for the description- chocolate pudding. A few times there has been blood. What the fuck is going on with my women parts? At this point, I am ready to tell a doctor to take my fucking uterus already. Yes, I am well aware I would be thrown into one of my biggest fears right now, menopause, but it's one thing if I CHOOSE to enter menopause. It's a whole other story if my body decides to enter it on its own accord at the wrong time.
I tried to figure out what exactly it is about menopause that terrifies me so much and I don't really know why it does. I am completely baffled what it is. The only thing I can think is that I would somehow blame myself for it happening, that I did something to bring it on (my diet, etc). I also felt the same way about Addison's disease, but I have also [shamefully] admitted that I was afraid of having it because I didn't want to have to take steroids and get fat.
Ugh, I need to go to bed. My eyes and I are exhausted.
Friday, November 21, 2014
LOLOLOLOLOL
Watching Sex and the City right now and Samantha is throwing herself a I don't have a baby shower. I should totally throw myself one of those.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
The Hell Radio 104.5?!
First off, let me start by saying I adore Radio 104.5. There is the most important reason why- if it was not for 104, I probably never would have discovered who MGMT is. They are the only station in my area who plays them. It also has the most amazing playlist in existence on the radio.
The problem is, they only play a fraction of that amazing playlist. I have discovered some absolutely incredible songs on their new music show on Sunday nights ("Red Eyes" by the War on Drugs, "Diamonds", by the Boxer Rebellion, "You Haunt Me" by Sir Sly, "Think Of You" by MS MR, "Recover" by CHVRCHES, etc) and yet I never hear any of those songs on their regular line up. No, instead I hear the same damn songs all the time. "Take Me To Church" and "Riptide" several times a day. Oasis constantly. "Brain Stew" by Green Day. That fucking "My Own Worst Enemy" song. I'm sorry, can I beat the dead horse enough on how much I LOATHE that song? Only a smidgen more than that Rise Against song, the one about living on front porches and swinging like the wind and getting by on minimum wage. Yeah. Okay. Good luck with that.
And then there are songs they play for a while and then suddenly never ever hear again- "You Are A Tourist" by Death Cab, "Letters From The Sky" by Civil Twilight, "If I Had A Gun" by Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds, "Panic Station" by Muse, "We Used To Wait" and "Ready To Start" by Arcade Fire are just some examples from back in the day. And most recently they abruptly stopped playing "Bad Blood" by Bastille, "Guns for Hands" by twenty one pilots, anything by KONGOS, "Gold" by Sir Sly....there's others but I can't think of them at the moment. All really good songs that just disappeared out of nowhere one day. I don't understand why.
And one of the most offensive things is how the only MGMT songs they have played for years were "Kids" and "Time to Pretend". Then suddenly one day someone must have decided hey we should play something else by MGMT and despite having 3 fucking albums, they pull something off of Oracular Spectacular again. I love "Electric Feel" to death, but they couldn't have picked "It's Working" or- I'm really pushing it here- "Alien Days" or something off of the latter 2 albums?
ETA 11/22: "Undisclosed Desires" by Muse, "Monster" by Paramore, and "Coming Of Age" by Foster the People are other ones they just abruptly stopped playing. I am also trying to remember if they ever used to play "Called Out In The Dark" by Snow Patrol, but I can't remember, but if they did, they stopped playing that as well. And I want to say "The High Road" by Broken Bells as well, but I think every once in a blue moon they still play it.
9:42PM: And the list continues on...."Jump Into The Fog" by the Wombats, "Love Love Love" by Of Monsters and Men, "Carried Away" by Passion Pit, "Hell and Back" by the Airborne Toxic Event, "The Adventures Of Rain Dance Maggie" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Giants" by Bear Hands, "My Sweet Summer" by Dirty Heads
The problem is, they only play a fraction of that amazing playlist. I have discovered some absolutely incredible songs on their new music show on Sunday nights ("Red Eyes" by the War on Drugs, "Diamonds", by the Boxer Rebellion, "You Haunt Me" by Sir Sly, "Think Of You" by MS MR, "Recover" by CHVRCHES, etc) and yet I never hear any of those songs on their regular line up. No, instead I hear the same damn songs all the time. "Take Me To Church" and "Riptide" several times a day. Oasis constantly. "Brain Stew" by Green Day. That fucking "My Own Worst Enemy" song. I'm sorry, can I beat the dead horse enough on how much I LOATHE that song? Only a smidgen more than that Rise Against song, the one about living on front porches and swinging like the wind and getting by on minimum wage. Yeah. Okay. Good luck with that.
And then there are songs they play for a while and then suddenly never ever hear again- "You Are A Tourist" by Death Cab, "Letters From The Sky" by Civil Twilight, "If I Had A Gun" by Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds, "Panic Station" by Muse, "We Used To Wait" and "Ready To Start" by Arcade Fire are just some examples from back in the day. And most recently they abruptly stopped playing "Bad Blood" by Bastille, "Guns for Hands" by twenty one pilots, anything by KONGOS, "Gold" by Sir Sly....there's others but I can't think of them at the moment. All really good songs that just disappeared out of nowhere one day. I don't understand why.
And one of the most offensive things is how the only MGMT songs they have played for years were "Kids" and "Time to Pretend". Then suddenly one day someone must have decided hey we should play something else by MGMT and despite having 3 fucking albums, they pull something off of Oracular Spectacular again. I love "Electric Feel" to death, but they couldn't have picked "It's Working" or- I'm really pushing it here- "Alien Days" or something off of the latter 2 albums?
ETA 11/22: "Undisclosed Desires" by Muse, "Monster" by Paramore, and "Coming Of Age" by Foster the People are other ones they just abruptly stopped playing. I am also trying to remember if they ever used to play "Called Out In The Dark" by Snow Patrol, but I can't remember, but if they did, they stopped playing that as well. And I want to say "The High Road" by Broken Bells as well, but I think every once in a blue moon they still play it.
9:42PM: And the list continues on...."Jump Into The Fog" by the Wombats, "Love Love Love" by Of Monsters and Men, "Carried Away" by Passion Pit, "Hell and Back" by the Airborne Toxic Event, "The Adventures Of Rain Dance Maggie" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Giants" by Bear Hands, "My Sweet Summer" by Dirty Heads
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Fuck This
I have had it with these women problems. I have had it with the nausea, with feeling like my women parts are burning, with the spotting, with the bloating and alternating diarrhea and constipation (I don't doubt my hormones are involved in that), and most of all, I have had it with doctors not trying to find out what is going on and just pushing birth control on me. At this point, I am almost afraid to find out what my insides look like.
I am only on day 12 of my cycle and I am sick with worry that it is going to come early. I had to come home and exercise after work and just as I predicted, I had a little spotting later. I don't know what it is about coming home from work and exercising that brings on spotting, although last month I didn't have to come home and exercise any day and not only did I still spot, but it was worse than ever. I am absolutely terrified that I am going to have spotting like that again. That spotting episode has really shaken me up. And right now my lower left side is burning and I am so nauseous. The weird thing is, I am nauseous all the way up until my period comes, then it goes away, then my period goes away and the nausea comes back in. What is it about my period that gets rid of it? Because estrogen is at its lowest?
And then we get an email today asking for overtime all the way until December 5th. Because the bitchy at home worker is going to be on vacation from this Friday until December 5th. Which is pretty funny because we have all been told we can't take more than a week at a time and it cannot be at the end of the month. And what was even funnier was listening to my FWA rant about how people get special privileges. I never wanted to bitch slap her more than I did at that moment.
I am only on day 12 of my cycle and I am sick with worry that it is going to come early. I had to come home and exercise after work and just as I predicted, I had a little spotting later. I don't know what it is about coming home from work and exercising that brings on spotting, although last month I didn't have to come home and exercise any day and not only did I still spot, but it was worse than ever. I am absolutely terrified that I am going to have spotting like that again. That spotting episode has really shaken me up. And right now my lower left side is burning and I am so nauseous. The weird thing is, I am nauseous all the way up until my period comes, then it goes away, then my period goes away and the nausea comes back in. What is it about my period that gets rid of it? Because estrogen is at its lowest?
And then we get an email today asking for overtime all the way until December 5th. Because the bitchy at home worker is going to be on vacation from this Friday until December 5th. Which is pretty funny because we have all been told we can't take more than a week at a time and it cannot be at the end of the month. And what was even funnier was listening to my FWA rant about how people get special privileges. I never wanted to bitch slap her more than I did at that moment.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Ugh
I am dreading going to sleep. That I will wake up early and not be able to fall back asleep. That I will wake up warm. That I will not sleep at all.
I can't deal with this every night.
I can't deal with this every night.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Random Thoughts
As if I didn't need any more proof that the influx of new ONTDers were delusional wack jobs, one day someone posted an article about musician I have never heard of stealing the bassline from "Electric Feel". Here is one genius comment:
Worst song to ever happen to music? Are you for real? Even if I wasn't a hardcore MGMT stan, I still would not call it the worst song to ever happen to music. Just look at the Billboard charts and you can find plenty of songs on there that are just downright awful.
God, there are some stupid people on that site anymore.
And yes, I still stan hard for MGMT. I know I haven't discussed them much lately, but oh damn do I still adore them. I can't believe it's already been almost 1 year since I saw them last. I NEED TO SEE THEM AGAIN. My crush on Andrew has kind of cooled down. Don't get me wrong- I still think he is flawless as hell and I would marry him in a heartbeat and have a million babies with him (maybe), but he's moved from being the king of my celebrity crushes to the hall of celebrities I will eternally love (although frankly I find labeling him a celebrity to be insulting). The throne is pretty much open, although I have to say I have kind of developed a fascination with that Simon guy (from Kuroma). He's hot. You want to talk guys with strange hair? There you go. It's more normal looking now, but still pretty out there. Normally I wouldn't care for guys who bleach their hair, but for some reason or another, it works for him. Also, I wish I could find the link again (too lazy to look for it again) but there is a picture of him and Andrew and apparently they have matching tattoos. I....I don't know what to think of that.
And speaking of MGMT, fan pictures are posted a lot on that one Tartlr page I follow and I always have to laugh at how the girls in the pictures are always like "me and Andrew (or whichever band member) tee hee me looking all ugly tee hee". Aw, does someone need validation? Ugh, it's so annoying. Sure, I say I am ugly all of the time, but I genuinely mean it. I genuinely think I am hideous and no amount of reassurance from others can change my mind. These bitches just want all of their little Tartlr friends to rush in and say omg you SOOOOO don't look ugly!
And going back to stupid people, back when I first started back at my workplace, my manager told me that she'll generally allow us to go to appointments and if we're not using PTO, then we can take it unpaid as long as it is under 4 hours and we have a doctor's notes. And then she went on to tell me how notes weren't previously necessary but one day they found out an employee was leaving and saying she was going to a doctor's appointment, but was actually going to get her nails done. And I don't know how I didn't suspect it at the time, but I ended up finding out from one of my coworkers that the employee going to get her nails done was none other than my FWA. She really is one brazen bitch, isn't she? And the fact that she knowingly lied and was basically found out and is still there will forever boggle my mind. I am starting to feel like she could come in and shoot up the place and she would still have a job afterwards.
I finally decided on days to take off one night and the next day I went in with my list and when I opened my email, there was a message about our holiday luncheon and it was for one of the days I planned to take off. To say I was ecstatic is an understatement. When I gave my boss the dates she was all disappointed that I wanted off the date of the party and then started questioning why she even planned it for that day. I kept hinting that it wasn't a big deal. Not even 5 minutes after I left the office, we get an email that the date was changed. So now I am still stuck having to attend. I felt like upending my desk and screaming every curse word under the sun.
I just pure dread going into work now. I am so damn stressed out and it's affecting my work and now I am getting stressed because I don't feel I am pulling my weight, which in turn is making me even more stressed and affecting my work even more. It's a never ending cycle.
And speaking of stress and cycles, earlier I went to do something and leaned on my breasts and they hurt. And I have felt crampy in my lower back and thighs all day. Not to mention I have had episodes of dizziness, nausea, and some other not so pleasant things and now I am in panic overdrive that my period is going to come early, as these are symptoms I typically experience before it comes. Plus yesterday my heart was doing that thing where it feels like it stops, then starts up with a bang- another thing I sometimes experience before it comes. I have never so badly needed to talk to a doctor as I do now. My mind is so consumed over perimenopause that I could probably have a cancerous lump growing out of my head or my left arm ripped off and I wouldn't even notice. I am beyond desperate to know what is going on, although at this point, if it's something that could potentially be deadly, I really couldn't care.
Like I have said before, I can't imagine how awful someone must be feeling when they actually attempt suicide. I feel so horrible and I still can't bring myself to actually attempting it. Or even coming up with a plan for that matter. I can't even imagine feeling lower than I already do. I just think about death all of the damn time. I go out for a 10 minute walk during work and every time I walk along side the road, I think gee, what would happen if I were to throw myself in front of a car? That evil part of my brain practically has a boner if a tractor trailer is coming. Every time I see Christmas stuff I just want to cry. I can't stand how awful I feel. It's insufferable.
And going back to the 10 minute walk part, I briefly wondered if the fact that I started walking more if that is why I had that bizarre lengthy episode of spotting and I thought, JFC what am I supposed to do? Stop walking? Not something I should really be asking myself right now, eh? Also, quite a few times I have hurt my back and my mom always says "you need to watch out with back problems; you don't want to end up paralyzed or something". Oh Mom, if you only knew.
Worst song to ever happen to music? Are you for real? Even if I wasn't a hardcore MGMT stan, I still would not call it the worst song to ever happen to music. Just look at the Billboard charts and you can find plenty of songs on there that are just downright awful.
God, there are some stupid people on that site anymore.
And yes, I still stan hard for MGMT. I know I haven't discussed them much lately, but oh damn do I still adore them. I can't believe it's already been almost 1 year since I saw them last. I NEED TO SEE THEM AGAIN. My crush on Andrew has kind of cooled down. Don't get me wrong- I still think he is flawless as hell and I would marry him in a heartbeat and have a million babies with him (maybe), but he's moved from being the king of my celebrity crushes to the hall of celebrities I will eternally love (although frankly I find labeling him a celebrity to be insulting). The throne is pretty much open, although I have to say I have kind of developed a fascination with that Simon guy (from Kuroma). He's hot. You want to talk guys with strange hair? There you go. It's more normal looking now, but still pretty out there. Normally I wouldn't care for guys who bleach their hair, but for some reason or another, it works for him. Also, I wish I could find the link again (too lazy to look for it again) but there is a picture of him and Andrew and apparently they have matching tattoos. I....I don't know what to think of that.
And speaking of MGMT, fan pictures are posted a lot on that one Tartlr page I follow and I always have to laugh at how the girls in the pictures are always like "me and Andrew (or whichever band member) tee hee me looking all ugly tee hee". Aw, does someone need validation? Ugh, it's so annoying. Sure, I say I am ugly all of the time, but I genuinely mean it. I genuinely think I am hideous and no amount of reassurance from others can change my mind. These bitches just want all of their little Tartlr friends to rush in and say omg you SOOOOO don't look ugly!
And going back to stupid people, back when I first started back at my workplace, my manager told me that she'll generally allow us to go to appointments and if we're not using PTO, then we can take it unpaid as long as it is under 4 hours and we have a doctor's notes. And then she went on to tell me how notes weren't previously necessary but one day they found out an employee was leaving and saying she was going to a doctor's appointment, but was actually going to get her nails done. And I don't know how I didn't suspect it at the time, but I ended up finding out from one of my coworkers that the employee going to get her nails done was none other than my FWA. She really is one brazen bitch, isn't she? And the fact that she knowingly lied and was basically found out and is still there will forever boggle my mind. I am starting to feel like she could come in and shoot up the place and she would still have a job afterwards.
I finally decided on days to take off one night and the next day I went in with my list and when I opened my email, there was a message about our holiday luncheon and it was for one of the days I planned to take off. To say I was ecstatic is an understatement. When I gave my boss the dates she was all disappointed that I wanted off the date of the party and then started questioning why she even planned it for that day. I kept hinting that it wasn't a big deal. Not even 5 minutes after I left the office, we get an email that the date was changed. So now I am still stuck having to attend. I felt like upending my desk and screaming every curse word under the sun.
I just pure dread going into work now. I am so damn stressed out and it's affecting my work and now I am getting stressed because I don't feel I am pulling my weight, which in turn is making me even more stressed and affecting my work even more. It's a never ending cycle.
And speaking of stress and cycles, earlier I went to do something and leaned on my breasts and they hurt. And I have felt crampy in my lower back and thighs all day. Not to mention I have had episodes of dizziness, nausea, and some other not so pleasant things and now I am in panic overdrive that my period is going to come early, as these are symptoms I typically experience before it comes. Plus yesterday my heart was doing that thing where it feels like it stops, then starts up with a bang- another thing I sometimes experience before it comes. I have never so badly needed to talk to a doctor as I do now. My mind is so consumed over perimenopause that I could probably have a cancerous lump growing out of my head or my left arm ripped off and I wouldn't even notice. I am beyond desperate to know what is going on, although at this point, if it's something that could potentially be deadly, I really couldn't care.
Like I have said before, I can't imagine how awful someone must be feeling when they actually attempt suicide. I feel so horrible and I still can't bring myself to actually attempting it. Or even coming up with a plan for that matter. I can't even imagine feeling lower than I already do. I just think about death all of the damn time. I go out for a 10 minute walk during work and every time I walk along side the road, I think gee, what would happen if I were to throw myself in front of a car? That evil part of my brain practically has a boner if a tractor trailer is coming. Every time I see Christmas stuff I just want to cry. I can't stand how awful I feel. It's insufferable.
And going back to the 10 minute walk part, I briefly wondered if the fact that I started walking more if that is why I had that bizarre lengthy episode of spotting and I thought, JFC what am I supposed to do? Stop walking? Not something I should really be asking myself right now, eh? Also, quite a few times I have hurt my back and my mom always says "you need to watch out with back problems; you don't want to end up paralyzed or something". Oh Mom, if you only knew.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Quote Of The Day
From "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven":
[Stewie's bedroom, the entire cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" are standing on his transporter pad, with Stewie standing beside the transporter controls, exhausted]
Stewie Griffin: [To the cast] This...was...exhausting. This whole experience, was absolutely...exhausting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me, you are absolutely, the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with, I hope you all fucking die.
Patrick Stewart: I still have five prize tickets from the Carnival.
Stewie Griffin: There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this!
Patrick Stewart: Well, but, LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy troll pencil topper.
Stewie Griffin: Oh yeah? You gonna share that?
LeVar Burton: Yeah, we were gonna share it.
Stewie Griffin: Really? How's that gonna work?
Patrick Stewart: Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.
Stewie Griffin: For a pencil-topper?!
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Good God Part 2
I slept pretty bad last night. Come to think of it, I am not sure if I slept at all. I didn't sleep too hot Saturday and Sunday night either. I feel like crap. I laid in bed and cried at 6:15 because I didn't want to get up. I cried the whole time I was on my bike. I finally said it fuck it and took an Ativan before I left for work. I was worried that between the lack of sleep and the Ativan, I would be face-planting my keyboard at some point during the day, but I did okay. I honestly don't think I would have made it through the day if it weren't for the Ativan.
But as usual good things must come to end and sometime after dinner, I started to feel agitated again. Right now I am very anxious and my heart won't stop racing and I am half tempted to get in my car and go to the ER. Why? I don't know. I just want someone to talk to and who can maybe talk some sense into me. I desperately need someone to talk to right now.
I am still having a little bit of blood every time I go to the bathroom and of course I have myself all stressed over how long is that going to occur and I am stressed because I am having nausea again. I am stressed because I have a headache. I am stressed over how stressed and anxious I feel and I am stressed over how I have all of these symptoms worsen or only occur around the middle of my cycle and around the time of my period. I feel like I am about to lose my mind.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY BODY.
But as usual good things must come to end and sometime after dinner, I started to feel agitated again. Right now I am very anxious and my heart won't stop racing and I am half tempted to get in my car and go to the ER. Why? I don't know. I just want someone to talk to and who can maybe talk some sense into me. I desperately need someone to talk to right now.
I am still having a little bit of blood every time I go to the bathroom and of course I have myself all stressed over how long is that going to occur and I am stressed because I am having nausea again. I am stressed because I have a headache. I am stressed over how stressed and anxious I feel and I am stressed over how I have all of these symptoms worsen or only occur around the middle of my cycle and around the time of my period. I feel like I am about to lose my mind.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY BODY.
Good God
I don't understand why the impending holiday season is getting to me so bad this year. I don't even remember feeling this bad back when I was laid off from my job AND dealing with the Addison's fear at the same time. I saw my favorite Hershey Kisses Christmas commercial this morning and was about to burst into tears. Everytime I see anything Christmas, I just want to break down into tears. And of course all I keep thinking is it is all because of my hormones and just another sign of perimenopause.
I never thought something could come so close to breaking me as the Addison's fear did. Well, I think I found its rival, along with That Thing. I honestly feel like any day now it is going to happen, that they're both going to get to me so bad one day that I will just come apart.
I need to go listen to "Siberian Breaks". I don't listen to that song nearly enough.
I never thought something could come so close to breaking me as the Addison's fear did. Well, I think I found its rival, along with That Thing. I honestly feel like any day now it is going to happen, that they're both going to get to me so bad one day that I will just come apart.
I need to go listen to "Siberian Breaks". I don't listen to that song nearly enough.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Random Thoughts
I keep seeing all of these parodies popping up on the internet of that "10 hours of walking in NYC as a woman" video. I am so glad people find it so fucking funny for a woman to be treated that way. I wonder how the men making all of these parodies would feel if it was their own female flesh and blood in that video. I bet they would be real thrilled.
Also, I am sick of seeing that "Ebola nurse". I thought we were finally done having to hear any more of her incessant whining, but then my local news talked about her last night. Bitch, you worked with Ebola patients. Stop whining and sit the fuck down already.
Last night I was in Target and I was looking at ice cream and I saw pumpkin pie ice cream (Market Pantry brand) and it was not only just 130 calories for a half cup, but it also said it had pie crust pieces in it, so I decided to buy it. Oh my god it is SO GOOD. Almost like a pumpkin pie Blizzard.
Friday night I must have been really tired, because I could barely stay awake past 1:30AM and except for waking up once to pee, I slept until 11:45AM. I haven't slept that late in a long time. And I was pissed because I missed Sea Rescue. And yet somehow I was still very tired all Saturday. I was also so damn moody and depressed yesterday I couldn't stand it. And then going out and seeing all of the Christmas decorations everywhere only made me feel worse. It would be nice if one goddamn Christmas season I could feel pleasant and not like wanting to end everything.
I couldn't even feel pleasant last week at Apple Fest. I felt miserable and depressed then, too. I am so damn tired of it. I just want to feel happy for once. Not that I even deserve to.
And speaking of Peddler's, every time I am in the Pine Wreath & Candle store, I always think of that time I was in there and heard "A Song Can Change Your Life" for the first time. I have been listening to that song a lot lately again. There is something about the line "we start to see the end of endless nights" that always gets to me. I don't really know why.
I feel like since That Thing came back into my life, I have been seeing a lot more stories in the news about paralysis. It might just be me paying more attention to it and there really aren't more stories, but either way you look at it, it's getting on my last nerve. I was doing a report on Friday and I came across the term "dermatomes", a term I have never heard, so I googled it. Not a term I needed to come across. Not that we see a lot of injuries like that (I think of the 3 years I have worked for that company, I have only seen maybe 3 cases at the most), but honestly, working in orthopedics is not a good thing for me, because it kind of just fuels the fire in that it gives me more access and opportunity to research this stuff. If I have an orthopedic website opened on my computer, I doubt anyone will really question it, because I do need to research stuff often.
I haven't done any research on spinal injuries lately, but I can't tell you how hard and torturous it is to resist doing it. I finally had to clear out both of my browser histories to make it less easy to access the information. Of course I can still go back to the websites and read up on it, but it's easier to resist when it's not right there in your browser history to bring up. It's very hard to resist though. Like having head to toe poison ivy and not being allowed to scratch it. Not that I have ever had poison ivy to know just how itchy it is, but you get the drift.
And going back to the abasiophiliac thing, one thing I always wonder is, how exactly do disabled people actually feel about it? Is it flattering? Offensive? I am guessing if I polled people, it would probably go both ways. If I had someone tell me they were attracted to my mental issues, I am not sure how I would feel about it. I don't think I would feel offended, but I also don't think I would feel too flattered, either. Probably more shocked, if anything. And maybe a little creeped out.
Also, I am sick of seeing that "Ebola nurse". I thought we were finally done having to hear any more of her incessant whining, but then my local news talked about her last night. Bitch, you worked with Ebola patients. Stop whining and sit the fuck down already.
Last night I was in Target and I was looking at ice cream and I saw pumpkin pie ice cream (Market Pantry brand) and it was not only just 130 calories for a half cup, but it also said it had pie crust pieces in it, so I decided to buy it. Oh my god it is SO GOOD. Almost like a pumpkin pie Blizzard.
Friday night I must have been really tired, because I could barely stay awake past 1:30AM and except for waking up once to pee, I slept until 11:45AM. I haven't slept that late in a long time. And I was pissed because I missed Sea Rescue. And yet somehow I was still very tired all Saturday. I was also so damn moody and depressed yesterday I couldn't stand it. And then going out and seeing all of the Christmas decorations everywhere only made me feel worse. It would be nice if one goddamn Christmas season I could feel pleasant and not like wanting to end everything.
I couldn't even feel pleasant last week at Apple Fest. I felt miserable and depressed then, too. I am so damn tired of it. I just want to feel happy for once. Not that I even deserve to.
And speaking of Peddler's, every time I am in the Pine Wreath & Candle store, I always think of that time I was in there and heard "A Song Can Change Your Life" for the first time. I have been listening to that song a lot lately again. There is something about the line "we start to see the end of endless nights" that always gets to me. I don't really know why.
I feel like since That Thing came back into my life, I have been seeing a lot more stories in the news about paralysis. It might just be me paying more attention to it and there really aren't more stories, but either way you look at it, it's getting on my last nerve. I was doing a report on Friday and I came across the term "dermatomes", a term I have never heard, so I googled it. Not a term I needed to come across. Not that we see a lot of injuries like that (I think of the 3 years I have worked for that company, I have only seen maybe 3 cases at the most), but honestly, working in orthopedics is not a good thing for me, because it kind of just fuels the fire in that it gives me more access and opportunity to research this stuff. If I have an orthopedic website opened on my computer, I doubt anyone will really question it, because I do need to research stuff often.
I haven't done any research on spinal injuries lately, but I can't tell you how hard and torturous it is to resist doing it. I finally had to clear out both of my browser histories to make it less easy to access the information. Of course I can still go back to the websites and read up on it, but it's easier to resist when it's not right there in your browser history to bring up. It's very hard to resist though. Like having head to toe poison ivy and not being allowed to scratch it. Not that I have ever had poison ivy to know just how itchy it is, but you get the drift.
And going back to the abasiophiliac thing, one thing I always wonder is, how exactly do disabled people actually feel about it? Is it flattering? Offensive? I am guessing if I polled people, it would probably go both ways. If I had someone tell me they were attracted to my mental issues, I am not sure how I would feel about it. I don't think I would feel offended, but I also don't think I would feel too flattered, either. Probably more shocked, if anything. And maybe a little creeped out.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Random Thoughts
I am addicted to Breyer's peppermint cookie ice cream. At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but the more times I ate it, the more I liked it. Despite the fact that the cookie pieces have a less than appealing look to them, they're really freaking good. I so need to get another carton of it.
I am such a freaking basket case right now and all I keep thinking is my hormones are out of whack, which is making me even worse of a basket case. Not to mention my nose is super dry, my throat is super dry and sore, and my eyes are off and on dry. I have had vertigo all day. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest, I feel like I am having trouble breathing, and my heart feels fluttery, which is making me feel really anxious, which in turn is making the latter 3 worse. And all I keep thinking is, this is all a sign of perimenopause. I feel like I am about to lose my mind.
And you know what isn't helping my bad mood? My mom and I got into a fight earlier. I promise this time that it was not yours truly who instigated it. My mother has had a stick and a half up her ass the past few days so I guess she decided it was time to take it out on me and I being someone who never has less than a few sticks up her ass, went right back at her.
And going back to the whole perimenopause thing, between that, my constant anxiety over things, the never ending reel of horrible images of horrible things happening....the last thing I needed was for That Thing to come back. I always say there are a handful of things that would lead me to suicide and I don't doubt that That Thing is one of them, because it's going to drive me into absolute madness one of these days. It's already doing a pretty damn good job of it.
I keep planning on a second post discussing That Thing and some things from that letter that I found, as well as discussing the whole abasophiliac thing, but I have obviously not done so yet.
I picked up this chart to work on on Thursday and didn't finish it until right before I went to lunch on Friday. It was a nightmare. The whole time I was typing it, all I kept thinking was I have no idea what I am doing. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. After I finished setting it up, I thought dear god please let there be no problems with what I did and then packed it up.
I swear, if this computer doesn't kick the bucket soon, I am going to scream.
I am such a freaking basket case right now and all I keep thinking is my hormones are out of whack, which is making me even worse of a basket case. Not to mention my nose is super dry, my throat is super dry and sore, and my eyes are off and on dry. I have had vertigo all day. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest, I feel like I am having trouble breathing, and my heart feels fluttery, which is making me feel really anxious, which in turn is making the latter 3 worse. And all I keep thinking is, this is all a sign of perimenopause. I feel like I am about to lose my mind.
And you know what isn't helping my bad mood? My mom and I got into a fight earlier. I promise this time that it was not yours truly who instigated it. My mother has had a stick and a half up her ass the past few days so I guess she decided it was time to take it out on me and I being someone who never has less than a few sticks up her ass, went right back at her.
And going back to the whole perimenopause thing, between that, my constant anxiety over things, the never ending reel of horrible images of horrible things happening....the last thing I needed was for That Thing to come back. I always say there are a handful of things that would lead me to suicide and I don't doubt that That Thing is one of them, because it's going to drive me into absolute madness one of these days. It's already doing a pretty damn good job of it.
I keep planning on a second post discussing That Thing and some things from that letter that I found, as well as discussing the whole abasophiliac thing, but I have obviously not done so yet.
I picked up this chart to work on on Thursday and didn't finish it until right before I went to lunch on Friday. It was a nightmare. The whole time I was typing it, all I kept thinking was I have no idea what I am doing. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. After I finished setting it up, I thought dear god please let there be no problems with what I did and then packed it up.
I swear, if this computer doesn't kick the bucket soon, I am going to scream.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Random Thoughts
Good news- my stupid monthly finally came! And I stupidly left for work this morning without grabbing my faux Midol so I had to deal with the cramps from hell after it finally came on. I felt like my female innards were on fire and the pain spread down my legs and I had this ripping pain all through my intestines. I wanted to cry, but every time I started to curse my period, I reminded myself to be glad that it came this month (despite being 4 days late).
And as usual, from this point on, I am going to have myself stressed out that it will leave too early or too late and then once it leaves, I will have myself stressed out that my next monthly will come too early, too late, or not at all. Oh, and I am also going to worry that I am going to have bleeding/spotting/whatever the hell that was I had a little over 2 weeks again.
Right now, my eyes, nose, and throat are dry. More things listed as symptoms of menopause. Why must every new thing that come along have to be on the list of menopausal symptoms? And then for shit to come or worsen around my monthly time makes it even worse and more convincing to me. Ugh, I freaking give up with this. I am so damn mentally exhausted from worrying about it.
And as usual, from this point on, I am going to have myself stressed out that it will leave too early or too late and then once it leaves, I will have myself stressed out that my next monthly will come too early, too late, or not at all. Oh, and I am also going to worry that I am going to have bleeding/spotting/whatever the hell that was I had a little over 2 weeks again.
Right now, my eyes, nose, and throat are dry. More things listed as symptoms of menopause. Why must every new thing that come along have to be on the list of menopausal symptoms? And then for shit to come or worsen around my monthly time makes it even worse and more convincing to me. Ugh, I freaking give up with this. I am so damn mentally exhausted from worrying about it.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Random Thoughts
Oh my Lord this week is dragging.
And once again, it is a week where everyone is in the office and it's getting on my last damn nerve. THEY NEVER SHUT UP. And naturally my poor excuse for a manager never puts a stop to it, because god forbid she actually manage instead of trying to be everyone's friend.
I have been so damn depressed and miserable the last few days, I am starting to get on my own nerves. I think I am probably miserable because I am so anxious over my period not coming on time and I am also probably miserable because it's coming. I had some signs of it earlier, so hopefully it's coming and not just fucking with my head.
And then I saw something yesterday that made me feel even worse depressed. The one girl who used to work at my place and I had worked with before I was laid off posted some picture of some [nasty-looking] soup she had made and all of my coworkers commented and apparently sometime this month, they are all invited to go over her house for dinner. I shouldn't even care, but it was like a punch in the gut. Especially because my FWA and her friend (the one who was fired back in the winter) are invited as well. All the other 3 do/did is/was badmouth the latter. Especially the one who invited them for dinner. I think it's hilarious that the 2 of them even believe the other 3 are their friends. And the thing I hate the most is that I am allowing it to bother me.
We did end up going to Apple Fest on Sunday and it was a nice day, minus the usual wanting to smack the BIL. It wasn't as crowded as I thought it would be; in fact, I don't even think it was as crowded as when we go on Saturday. It was just cold as hell. We stopped at Longhorn on the way home and did that turn into an adventure. They took my fav off the menu, the Parmesan crusted chicken sandwich, so I decided to get a burger. I asked for it well-done with just bacon and American cheese, no lettuce, tomato, onions, or anything else. First it came out with pickles, so I sent it back. Then it came out with Cheddar cheese and was probably about medium rare, if not almost rare, so that time we got the manager, who apologized and supposedly made the burger for me (it finally came out perfect). And not only did I get my meal for free, but I got 2 $10 cards. I of course feel horribly guilty for complaining (nicely, of course) and getting all that stuff as well.
And all of this Christmas stuff is getting to me already.
And once again, it is a week where everyone is in the office and it's getting on my last damn nerve. THEY NEVER SHUT UP. And naturally my poor excuse for a manager never puts a stop to it, because god forbid she actually manage instead of trying to be everyone's friend.
I have been so damn depressed and miserable the last few days, I am starting to get on my own nerves. I think I am probably miserable because I am so anxious over my period not coming on time and I am also probably miserable because it's coming. I had some signs of it earlier, so hopefully it's coming and not just fucking with my head.
And then I saw something yesterday that made me feel even worse depressed. The one girl who used to work at my place and I had worked with before I was laid off posted some picture of some [nasty-looking] soup she had made and all of my coworkers commented and apparently sometime this month, they are all invited to go over her house for dinner. I shouldn't even care, but it was like a punch in the gut. Especially because my FWA and her friend (the one who was fired back in the winter) are invited as well. All the other 3 do/did is/was badmouth the latter. Especially the one who invited them for dinner. I think it's hilarious that the 2 of them even believe the other 3 are their friends. And the thing I hate the most is that I am allowing it to bother me.
We did end up going to Apple Fest on Sunday and it was a nice day, minus the usual wanting to smack the BIL. It wasn't as crowded as I thought it would be; in fact, I don't even think it was as crowded as when we go on Saturday. It was just cold as hell. We stopped at Longhorn on the way home and did that turn into an adventure. They took my fav off the menu, the Parmesan crusted chicken sandwich, so I decided to get a burger. I asked for it well-done with just bacon and American cheese, no lettuce, tomato, onions, or anything else. First it came out with pickles, so I sent it back. Then it came out with Cheddar cheese and was probably about medium rare, if not almost rare, so that time we got the manager, who apologized and supposedly made the burger for me (it finally came out perfect). And not only did I get my meal for free, but I got 2 $10 cards. I of course feel horribly guilty for complaining (nicely, of course) and getting all that stuff as well.
And all of this Christmas stuff is getting to me already.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Quote Of The Day
From "Parasites Lost":
Bender: Yo, old guy, why do we have to use those tiny micro-droids? Can't you just shrink us?
Farnsworth: Oh, my, no. That would require extremely tiny atoms, and have you priced those lately? I'm not made of money! Leave me alone!
Ehhhhhhhhhh
Ugh I am so tired I want to cry. Woke up at 3:30AM a little warm and a little sweaty and was up for a little bit. I eventually fell back asleep and was up on and off.
And as expected, my period didn't come yesterday so now I am fretting how late it will come and/or if it will come at all. And I am so damn cranky!
And as expected, my period didn't come yesterday so now I am fretting how late it will come and/or if it will come at all. And I am so damn cranky!
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Ugh
Cabin fever setting in and it's combining with what appears to be PMS. HELP.
I just saw multiple articles how another one of the Duggar fembots got married. Oh joy. Another one to spit out a shit ton of babies. I was ready to say who in the fuck gives a shit and then I remembered I actually am friends with people on Facebook who are legit fans of the family.
You know, I wonder what would happen if one of the girls ever had fertility problems and couldn't shit out a ton of babies. Then the family would probably shun her and blame her for her problems. And I guarantee if one of the boys in the family had problems with his swimmers, then it would still be the woman's fault. I try not to hate religions, but I loathe that religion. Fuck them and their anti-woman stance. And fuck them for blaming birth control for miscarriages. Do tell Michelle- if birth control causes miscarriages, then how do you explain your last miscarriage?
ONTD keeps posting all of these posts of celebrity Halloween costumes and after so many I just started to laugh. The heads of the SJWs must be exploding left and right at all of the "cultural appropriation". That place is getting ridiculous. I don't think it would be as annoying if it wasn't for the fact that the loudest SJWs are probably privileged white girls.
I don't know what happened to that place in general lately. It's full of trolls and more rules than ever and posts about Ariana Grande and Five Seconds Of Summer or whatever the hell they are called and all of these other people that I can't imagine anyone over the age of 15 cares about.
Also, why in the hell is the Blizzard of the Month one you can get all of the time? Why couldn't they have just heeded our begs to have the pumpkin pie one again? THE AUDACITY.
I just saw multiple articles how another one of the Duggar fembots got married. Oh joy. Another one to spit out a shit ton of babies. I was ready to say who in the fuck gives a shit and then I remembered I actually am friends with people on Facebook who are legit fans of the family.
You know, I wonder what would happen if one of the girls ever had fertility problems and couldn't shit out a ton of babies. Then the family would probably shun her and blame her for her problems. And I guarantee if one of the boys in the family had problems with his swimmers, then it would still be the woman's fault. I try not to hate religions, but I loathe that religion. Fuck them and their anti-woman stance. And fuck them for blaming birth control for miscarriages. Do tell Michelle- if birth control causes miscarriages, then how do you explain your last miscarriage?
ONTD keeps posting all of these posts of celebrity Halloween costumes and after so many I just started to laugh. The heads of the SJWs must be exploding left and right at all of the "cultural appropriation". That place is getting ridiculous. I don't think it would be as annoying if it wasn't for the fact that the loudest SJWs are probably privileged white girls.
I don't know what happened to that place in general lately. It's full of trolls and more rules than ever and posts about Ariana Grande and Five Seconds Of Summer or whatever the hell they are called and all of these other people that I can't imagine anyone over the age of 15 cares about.
Also, why in the hell is the Blizzard of the Month one you can get all of the time? Why couldn't they have just heeded our begs to have the pumpkin pie one again? THE AUDACITY.
Random Thoughts
It's raining like hell out, so obviously we didn't get to go to Apple Fest. I AM SO BORED.
I saw this article earlier on Yahoo about some woman who came out of a coma or something and delivered a baby or something. I don't know, I didn't pay much attention to the article because I was more focused on the picture of her in a hospital bed with what looked like an NG tube. What on earth possesses people to take a picture of someone in a hospital bed? Or someone's horrific injuries after being injured? Like if someone is assaulted and someone takes a picture of their injuries and I am not referring to police photos either. I swear to God, if I ever ended up in the hospital with some bad injuries or illness and someone took pictures of me, there would be hell to pay after I recovered. Especially if said pictures ended up on social media and/or the news.
Yesterday when I submitted my worklog to my boss, I have to say I was a little pleased with it. I knocked out a lot more work this week than usual (just praying my work was done properly). Of course, the amount of reports I did in 1 week is what the rest can knock out in 2 days, but still, it was better than it has been. And they were some decent sized charts, too.
I pass by a synagogue every day to and from work and yesterday when I was coming home, they had a sign outside advertising their annual Oy Vey 5K. Best race name ever.
We went over my sister's last night and my sister has a 6 person dining room table. One side of it is very close to her china hutch and I was siting in the one seat next to the china hutch and my nephew's high chair and my aunt was sitting at the head of the table. It was just the 2 of us, so do the math- 4 seats open including 3 in a large open space. My mom asks if anyone if they want coffee and my grandfather says he'll take some. When it's done, he comes over to the table and asks me if I could move in because he is going to sit in the seat next to me or if I was going to move over. Now might I remind you I was in a seat next to a china hutch and high chair, a very tight space, and the seat next to me was also next to the china hutch. And there were 3 open chairs on the other side- in a very large open space. I am not going to bother bringing that up so I just tell him to sit in my seat and I'll go sit somewhere else. He doesn't even let me get the hell out of the way and starts moving into the seat before I am even out of the way and I bumped into the high chair and that was the point that I got really [silently] annoyed. And of course everyone got mad at me for getting annoyed, and maybe I am in the wrong and of course now I feel like crap, but for god's sake, it made it no goddamn sense to me! There were 3 fucking open seats!
I try to remember that my grandparents come from a different generation, but the way my grandmother acts like women should cater to men and the way my grandfather acts like women should do everything really fucking pisses me off sometimes.
I love my family, I really do, but I really dread being around them anymore. And I honestly hate feeling that way, but they're just so....overwhelming.
God, I really wish my computer would kick the bucket already so I can buy a new one! I am tired of its slow ass. See? This is what I get for taking good care of a computer! And my iPad isn't even much of an option considering Safari crashes EVERY 5 SECONDS.
I saw this article earlier on Yahoo about some woman who came out of a coma or something and delivered a baby or something. I don't know, I didn't pay much attention to the article because I was more focused on the picture of her in a hospital bed with what looked like an NG tube. What on earth possesses people to take a picture of someone in a hospital bed? Or someone's horrific injuries after being injured? Like if someone is assaulted and someone takes a picture of their injuries and I am not referring to police photos either. I swear to God, if I ever ended up in the hospital with some bad injuries or illness and someone took pictures of me, there would be hell to pay after I recovered. Especially if said pictures ended up on social media and/or the news.
Yesterday when I submitted my worklog to my boss, I have to say I was a little pleased with it. I knocked out a lot more work this week than usual (just praying my work was done properly). Of course, the amount of reports I did in 1 week is what the rest can knock out in 2 days, but still, it was better than it has been. And they were some decent sized charts, too.
I pass by a synagogue every day to and from work and yesterday when I was coming home, they had a sign outside advertising their annual Oy Vey 5K. Best race name ever.
We went over my sister's last night and my sister has a 6 person dining room table. One side of it is very close to her china hutch and I was siting in the one seat next to the china hutch and my nephew's high chair and my aunt was sitting at the head of the table. It was just the 2 of us, so do the math- 4 seats open including 3 in a large open space. My mom asks if anyone if they want coffee and my grandfather says he'll take some. When it's done, he comes over to the table and asks me if I could move in because he is going to sit in the seat next to me or if I was going to move over. Now might I remind you I was in a seat next to a china hutch and high chair, a very tight space, and the seat next to me was also next to the china hutch. And there were 3 open chairs on the other side- in a very large open space. I am not going to bother bringing that up so I just tell him to sit in my seat and I'll go sit somewhere else. He doesn't even let me get the hell out of the way and starts moving into the seat before I am even out of the way and I bumped into the high chair and that was the point that I got really [silently] annoyed. And of course everyone got mad at me for getting annoyed, and maybe I am in the wrong and of course now I feel like crap, but for god's sake, it made it no goddamn sense to me! There were 3 fucking open seats!
I try to remember that my grandparents come from a different generation, but the way my grandmother acts like women should cater to men and the way my grandfather acts like women should do everything really fucking pisses me off sometimes.
I love my family, I really do, but I really dread being around them anymore. And I honestly hate feeling that way, but they're just so....overwhelming.
God, I really wish my computer would kick the bucket already so I can buy a new one! I am tired of its slow ass. See? This is what I get for taking good care of a computer! And my iPad isn't even much of an option considering Safari crashes EVERY 5 SECONDS.
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