Ugh

My entire area is under a tropical storm warning, as what is currently hurricane Isaias is expected to hit tomorrow. Heavy rains, high winds, possible tornadoes....should be a fun day in work.

ETA 9:30PM: That was an eventful day. I was a nervous wreck for most of the morning, especially after this tornado watch was issued....FFS, look at the probability of two or more tornadoes. I saw numerous tornado warnings pop up, but luckily my area escaped any. We had a lot of rain and wind, but that was about it.

Now maybe tonight I can get a good night's sleep. I slept terribly last night, between worrying about Isaias and the ginormous thunderstorm that rolled through around 2:30.

Random Thoughts

Despite the tornado watch on Monday, we ended up having a lot of rain, wind, some thunder, then the sun came out. Thankfully no tornado warnings or actual tornadoes. The chest heaviness and constantly feeling like I need to take a deep breath has eased up as well, so I'm going to guess (and hope) it was period-related.

I've often said before that every time I go through a health crisis, the next one that comes along always makes me long for the one before, like how I was so scared of having an ulcer/h. Pylori before but would much rather be worried about that than Covid 19. I shudder to think what will come after this is all done and over with.

If it ever is.

Monday night I had a mild headache in the forehead area. I eventually went to bed hoping that it would go away overnight like my headaches typically do. However, when I woke up on Tuesday, I still had lingering pain and at some point it shifted to the right side of my head. By lunchtime, the pain was increasing with certain movements of my head and I started to think that it was going to turn into a migraine if I didn't take anything soon. I've been trying to avoid taking any pain medication for fear of it interfering with my temperature taking (yes, seriously), but I finally caved in and took Pamprin (I was having cramps as well). About an hour after I took it, I don't know what the hell happened, but I got really shaky and weird-feeling, and I also got incredibly nauseous which made me super anxious that I was going to throw up. And the headache eased up while all that was happening. It was weird, and I was pretty shook up the rest of the day. I've still been pretty shook up over it, because of course the only thing I'm thinking is omg it's Covid 19. Having a very mild headache today (this time on the left side and mostly around the eye) isn't helping matters any.

Ugh

I don't know what seems to cause it (lack of sleep, etc), but I tend to have good and then really bad days with my anxiety/OCD levels. Today is the latter. A very bad one.

And to top it off, my area is under a severe weather threat today, with a high wind warning and a tornado watch, so that's only adding to my already high anxiety levels.

Scheisse!

I am not even sure I got 3 hours of sleep last night.  One, it was Sunday night, so I was having my typical Sunday night insomnia.  Two, it was about 500 degrees in my bedroom, and as I am someone who absolutely positively cannot sleep without something covering me, I was having an extremely difficult time trying to get comfortable without resorting to being uncovered.

But the cherry on top was my area being under an enhanced threat of severe weather pretty much all of yesterday and overnight.  Numerous tornado watches popped up all day long, and I knew eventually we were probably going to get one, but it wasn't until sometime after 1AM that NJ was placed under a tornado watch.  That made it even more difficult for me to try to fall asleep, plus I had this unrelenting anxiety that at some point my phone was going to start blaring at me with a tornado warning.  Tornadoes terrify the ever loving fuck out of me on a normal basis, but a night tornado?  Hell no.  At some point, I drifted off after 2 but was woke up not much later at around 3:35AM by a rumble of thunder.  And I immediately checked the SPC and seen that my area was under a tornado warning, set to expire at 3:45AM.  Not long after that a fairly strong thunderstorm came through.  A lot of rain, wind, and lightening, but thankfully no tornado or straight line winds or anything like that.  I sat in the living room until the storm died down, then jumped on my bike for a half hour to burn off some of the anxiety, washed off quickly and tried to relax.  I think maybe sometime around 6AM I drifted off again only to wake up about 45 minutes later.

Before I left for work, I peeked through Facebook and there were a lot of posts about people receiving loud alert messages about the tornado warning on their phones.  I never received one.  I've received alert messages in the past for flash flood warnings (many of which came when I was trying to fall alseep in bed, scared the ever loving shit out of me hearing that blaring), yet many times when we've gotten tornado warnings, my mom's cellphone alerted her, but mine didn't despite the fact that we share a plan and I have my phone set to receive all emergency alerts, so it's not the first time it's happened.  I just find it funny because I was so anxious about receiving one yet I didn't receive one.  Although I guess that's not entirely a bad thing, because hearing that ungodly noise in such a state of heightened anxiety probably would have caused me to have a stroke. 

Random Thoughts

Wow, I'm really starting to slack anymore. Since I have last posted:

- I did end up having to attend the deposition. It was a huge waste of my time, although at least I was still paid. Judging by the questions I was asked, if this is what is being taught in law school, good God. The best part was when her attorney asked me what day of the week did the accident happen and I said a Friday. Kind of threw all of the attorneys in a tizzy. Apparently the accident report had the day before. I'm unsure of a lot of things but I'm 99.99% sure that ice storm happened on a Friday, even came home that day and pulled up weather archives, which said freezing rain happened on Friday January 10th. Now the date could have been an honest mistake on her part. But someone else wasn't doing their research and fact checking. I even went back to previous posts on here and sure enough, it definitely sounded like it happened on a Friday.

- The tooth behind my root canaled one was starting to really give me trouble a few weeks again. I ended up having to have another root canal. Yay me. I had it done at another office this time. Apparently my dental office doesn't refer to the other place anymore. Not sure why, but I'd certainly like to know. The dentist at first seemed hesitant on doing it because I suck so much at describing my symptoms but once he went in the tooth, he said oh I definitely would have needed it at some point. Pretty sure I heard him say I had irreversible pulpitis. And he confirmed the crack in my tooth. I was pretty annoyed though when he looked at my x-rays and said one of my canals in my first root canaled tooth wasn't fully filled and he wants to keep an eye on it. Why was it not done properly in the first place? It wasn't like some general dentist did it, an endodontist did it. It should have been done properly! And if there was an issue, then I should have been told about it, although for all I know, I very well could have been, but since I could barely understand a word she said, who knows?

And that's really been it. Not much has changed. A month later, I'm still feeling blue from the holidays, I still wish I'd get hit by a tractor trailer on the way to work. There are just no words to describe how much my coworkers get under my skin. And this manager needs a reality check. I don't how the fuck she's ever had managerial positions before, because she's a piss poor excuse for one. I can understand having good relations with your employees, but she is way too fucking chummy with people. Especially my FWA. Again- I really and truly don't understand how anyone tolerates my FWA. Even just sitting there doing nothing I want to punch her in the face.

It's weird- I feel so goddamn stupid all of the time and my job makes me feel really inadequate and yet I feel like I deserve better. I basically feel like I'm lowering myself and settling working in this office. There's no kind of incentive in that office. No promotions, no ladder, nothing. And despite how stupid I feel, I feel like I can, and should, make something much better of myself.

I've been following the Weather Channel off and on today, because even though it doesn't affect my area, I'm interested in following the severe weather coverage. All the years I've been reading the Storm Prediction Center, I think only two or three (give or take, I can't remember) times I've seen a high risk day. Especially in the winter months. And I know the last time I was on there, all three of the tornado watches that were in affect were PDS. Scary, scary shit.

And one more thing- after this weekend, I'm so proud of my gender, despite the fact that it's 2017 and we should not have to be marching demanding equality and rights. I also love how on Facebook every single time I see someone criticizing the women's marches, it's always a man. 

UGH

Enhanced risk of severe thunderstorms for my area today with a 5% tornado probability. Not looking forward to the nastiness that is predicted for later on today.  Guarantee there will probably be some kind of watch issued at some point today.

And then the stupid sun keeps popping out sporadically. GO AWAY SUN YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO MAKE THINGS WORSE.

4:43PM: Severe thunderstorm watch till 10

9:11PM: Looks like the watch was cancelled. Not the entire watch, but certain areas that were under it, including mine, have not been under it since around 8. A severe thunderstorm warning went into effect for my area until about 7:15 and the radar was looking pretty hairy, but all we ended up getting was rain, some wind, some cracks of thunder, and I'm not even sure if we actually got lightning. Spent most of the weekend anxious and with my stomach in knots, particularly today, for really no reason.

And since my anxiety never goes away and instead just finds somewhere else to invade, I'm super stressed out about going back into this leviathan of a chart I started working on on Thursday. Yes, Thursday. And I'm still working on it. I'm pretty sure I should have it done at some point tomorrow- once I get past one part that I'm almost at, it should be a little smoother sailing- but as of now, it's fucking intense. And I'm dreading going back in to it.

Random Thoughts

So luckily no tornadoes came during that last tornado watch, although we did get some rather nasty storms. This weather is nuts. Yesterday I cleaned about an inch or more of snow off of my car and drove to work in snow and this upcoming week it's going to be in the 70's. What the hell?

And these crazy warm ups that keep popping up are making me very nervous of what kind of weather spring is going to bring. Namely, what kind of severe weather.

Boy, Facebook really knows how to bring out the hateful side of people, doesn't it? My God, some of the things people on my newsfeed post, I'm like whoa, seriously?! And while I know some stupid ass delusional people, I can't believe I actually know anyone stupid and delusional enough to want to vote for Donald Trump. Really- he's trolling us all with his shit, right?

I was exercising earlier and "A Good Sadness" came on and I thought hey, Oracular Spectacular came out in 2007, Congratulations came out in 2010, and MGMT came out in 2013. A new album seems to come out every 3 years. It's time, boys! Time for some new music!

This past week, I reluctantly added another day of taking Prozac, upping my dosage to 6 days a week of 20 mg from 5 days a week of 20 mg. I hope it helps some and doesn't make me gain weight. I also hope it doesn't make me even more apathetic than it's already made me.

Another thing I have noticed since starting the medication is I have gotten even worse with discussing things on my mind. I was kind of bad with discussing problems before, but now I really tend to take everything and just shove it deep down inside of me instead of getting it off my chest.

Or maybe it's because all of a sudden I've become everyone's dumping ground for their problems. I constantly have to hear about what is ailing my mother or how horrible my sister's pregnancy is going or how bad my nephew is being. And the terrible thing is how much I feel like screaming I DON'T CARE to it all. And I feel HORRIBLE feeling that way towards my family, although to be fair it's not just isolated to them. Anytime anyone talks to me in work, or anywhere really for that matter, 90% of the time I feel like screaming I DON'T CARE.

Uh....Winter?

It's February. It's currently 62 degrees out. And we're under a tornado watch until 11PM.

Dafuq is this shit?

Random Thoughts

So now we're back to normal chilly weather (it's in the 40's right now) and come my birthday it's going to be in the 60's and about 70 on Christmas Eve. What is this weather? Kind of makes me nervous for when spring comes. I hope it doesn't mean an increase in severe weather.

My FWA is whining on Facebook because her brat is sick. Again. I swear, every person I know who has breastfed, their kids are constantly sick. What happened to "breast is best"? My nephew wasn't breastfed and I don't even recall ever seeing him really sick, if at all. I wasn't breastfed and I'm rarely, if ever, sick (not counting in the head). Minus the bout with the flu last year, but that was for the first time in a really, REALLY long time. And I got over it pretty damn quickly.

I thought maybe once Thanksgiving was over, our workload would die down some. But it hasn't. We have been so damn busy. I just did about 6 hours of overtime this past week and thanks to having off Monday, it's going to be all straight pay. Which sucks, but money is money I guess. It's just crazy, though. The doctors are working a lot, we're short-staffed (especially because this year it seems like everyone waited to use their PTO),  the medical records are huge, clients are sending in records like a day before the appointments because they no longer get penalized for it, etc.

I never understand that last one. Once upon a time, if clients sent records in so many days before an appointment, the records were automatically turned into an addendum report. Which was an extra charge. And the PTB stopped that. Which makes no sense, because that's extra money they could be making. And last I checked, isn't corporate all about the benjamins?

What Even

I loathe the cold weather thanks to being so damn cold all of the time, but 70 degree weather less than 2 weeks before Christmas? No. Just no.

And now it's back to drama-central after a 4 day weekend.

Random Thoughts

My period was expected to come yesterday but still nothing. Except major crankiness, depression, and cravings for all things sweet and salty. I wish it would come soon.

My tooth is still bothering me every time I chew food on it. And it is sensitive to cold stuff. As far as I understood, a root canaled tooth should not feel any sensitivity so either something was not done correctly or it's another tooth. And unfortunately it's hard to distinguish. Words can not begin to describe how enraged I will be if I have to eventually end up having this tooth pulled.

Also, a molar on the top right is hurting when I chew on it and feeling sensitive. GRRRR.

A while back I upped my Prozac dosage to 5 days a week and it seemed like it was helping some, but now it seems to once again be crapping out on me. I give up with this. I really do. I think I am just not meant to ever be happy.

And it may just be because I am PMS-ing hard, but I really loathe work right now. I swear, I don't understand how so many deluded lazy people can be in one place. Even after getting lectured by Ms. Croquette and having a new a manager, my FWA still continues to come in late. She still continues to take a lunch longer than an hour. And comes back close to 2:30, despite us getting an email that lunches can end no later than 2. Oh and the best part is she comes back after an hour and eats lunch at her desk. WHAT THE FUCK does she do the entire hour she is gone?!

And on Friday, Ms. Hail to the V was in the office and if she wasn't off talking or playing on her phone, she spent pretty much her whole 7 hour shift planning a trip to NYC on the internet. Nice, huh? I also have to laugh how when she works a long day, she is given two 45 minute PAID breaks. Most of the time she is done with patients by 11:15AM and takes her first break and then comes back and goes right to lunch. I don't understand why she needs to be given 2 long paid breaks like that. Yes, I understand it's a long day but her job as an MA is not that fucking taxing (she doesn't even actually take care of people) that she can't still work during the break in patients. I hope to God she never plans on working in an actual health profession where people have to work 12 hour shifts because she wouldn't last a day not being able to get her paid breaks like that.

It's going down to about 29 degrees tonight. I am absolutely not ready for the cold!

Random Thoughts

A few days beforehand, I kept an eye on the SPC's site for this past Tuesday, since we were under the threat for severe weather. When I came home from work on Tuesday, an area to the far west of mine was under a tornado warning and I started to get a little nervous that we were going to be next. Sure enough, about a half hour later, the emergency bulletin came on announcing our area was under a tornado warning. The area of rotation being detected was actually pretty far southwest to my area but we were still placed under the warning. I was a nervous wreck, especially when the sky started to get fairly dark and the wind started picking up. Obviously we did not get a tornado (a comforting fact- my local news said that in our area, about 90-95% of tornado warnings never result in a tornado, but do you think that will let me relax some when one is issued? Unlikely.), although a lot of areas did get pretty banged up.There was a suspected tornado in one town, but I think it ended up being determined to be straight line winds.

The following day in work, 3 computers were out in work, including (not surprisingly) my FWA. She did get a new computer on Thursday and she is still bitching that it takes a long time to log in her in and she clocks in late. No, I guess it has nothing to do with the fact that your ass rolls in 8:05, 8:10, whatever. I really have a hard time believing someone can be so delusional.  

And naturally when she got her employee review, she got criticized for her attendance. And naturally bitched that it's not fair it's not her fault her computer is so slow, blah blah blah. I felt like saying oh my god, shut the fuck up- your computer does NOT take 10 minutes to load and you are NEVER here before or even BY 8, so cut your shit already.

My review itself was not bad. I "exceed expectations" and am a pleasure to work with. My attendance is "impeccable" and I actually scored a 5 out of 5. But of course my boss still had to bring up about me getting emotional over things, but did admit that I am better with it. You're damn right I am. I'm better with it because I learned to internalize it more thanks to it coming up repeatedly in my past reviews!

And going back to the weather, my area is under a slight risk for storms today. I'm over this already!

Random Thoughts

Ugh, it's way too hot way too early.

I am back to taking the Prozac every other day and I have to say I don't feel quite as bad as I did. I don't feel like slamming my car into a tree whenever I am in it (well, at least not nearly as strongly as I did before, because let's face it- there is never a time I don't have suicidal ideation).

Can't say I still don't feel like even more of a failure, though.

Random Thoughts

Man, it is BRUTAL outside. It's about 14 degrees Fahrenheit with a real feel of about -1. YUCK. And it's supposed to be pretty brutal this whole week. HOW EXCITING.

And to make the week more exciting, the catty one who used to work at my place is coming in tomorrow for lunch. And everyone will fawn all over like she is some fucking princess. It just astonishes me. And for some reason unknown to me, the one who plays on her phone all the time is going to be in the office all week instead of on the road. How exciting. A whole week of watching her play on her phone and when she isn't doing that, she'll either be talking or spending all of her time on the Facebook page of some place called Enchanted Farms. Or something other than work. This past Friday I watched her spend most of the day on Excel working on her household budget. A couple Fridays ago, her shift was over at 12:30. She stayed until 2. And what did she do that whole time? Spent her time on this Enchanted Farms page. The whole hour and a half. A whole hour and a half of OVERTIME and she didn't even fucking work.

I don't want to lose my job right now, but I would love to see us get shut down just so I can see how everyone else would survive having to work somewhere else. Especially this bitch and my FWA. But then again, lousy workers are always rewarded so they'd probably do just fine. My FWA would create some woe is me sob story (and now she has a baby to use to her advantage!) and everyone will feel sorry for her and cater to her just like the morons at this place do.

And speaking of her, she was a half hour late to work on Friday. Because she got into a fight with her boyfriend's mother. And just as I expected, I had to hear the WHOLE goddamn story later. I can't even begin to describe how badly I wanted to scream I DON'T CARE, OH MY FUCKING GOD I DON'T CARE. Especially because I was already annoyed that a conversation about having bad PMS and being unable to tolerate birth control and having bad cramps every month turned into having to hear about her fucking labor and water breaking again (I guess the fact that I said my cramps primarily affect my back reminded her that she had back labor so she figured it was her chance to turn the whole conversation back to herself). Again- don't care.

And I swear, if I go into work tomorrow and have to hear one person say they went to see 50 Shades of Shit and then rave about it, I am going to go fucking ballistic. I read a rundown on ONTD one day of some of the things Christian Gray (Gray, Grey, don't give enough fucks to google it) does to her in the books and I am beyond appalled that so many women like these books. If you honestly want a man like Christian Gray you need to check your fucking life big time.

God I wish my damn period would come already. I am tired of feeling so damn crabby. I am now getting to the point that I am starting to fret that it's going to come later than last month or not at all. I am so tired of this every month. I felt a little better after my blood work came back normal, but now I am starting to get anxious all over again that I am going through perimenopause. Especially when once again your period is coming later than it has been for years and you're waking up warm during the night or drinking coffee and feeling warm.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for a Food Factory marathon. 

Random Thoughts

I am still listening to Christmas music. I am a sad piece of work.

The past 3 mornings I have woken up feeling warm. This morning was the worst. And when I finally got out of bed several hours later, I exercised as usual and I was pretty sweaty. Stayed feeling kind of warm, yet chilled for a few hours. And then I felt really chilled the rest of the day. I wish I could explain the feeling warm yet chilled feeling. It's really difficult to explain, though, except to look at this way- when you're hot, you might take layers off or put a fan on or go outside into the cold weather. But I don't want to do that, because I am feeling chilled at the same. Ugh, that's still not a good way to explain it. All I know is I feel like my body temperature regulation is completely out of whack and can't seem to keep me comfortable.

Earlier I decided to take a look down below at things (why, I don't know) and it was that dark red almost purplish color on the inner part and really white on the outer part. I don't understand why in the second half of my cycle, my vaginal area does that. It's really scary looking. It's something I definitely have to remember to bring up when I go to the doctor.

I don't know if it's the start of PMS or what, but I have been one nasty bitch for the past couple of days. I came home on Friday with such a stick up my ass and was snapping out on everyone and I don't even know why. I was kind of cranky yesterday, but was more emotional than anything. I have been in a pissy mood all day today. And very depressed. Maybe it's all due the fact that I haven't been sleeping well because I dread going to bed that I am going to wake up feeling warm or worse, having an actual full-blown night sweat episode where I wake up drenched in sweat.

Ugh I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Back to a full week of work. No more holidays until May. It's going to be brutal.

And everything is so damn dark and depressing. Our lights are off, most of the houses on my street have their lights off and/or decorations down. I can't stand it. It's rained the whole weekend. Today was above 60 degrees and then tomorrow it's going to plummet into the 30's and later in the week it's going to be in the 20's. No wonder I feel like crap. What the fuck, Mother Nature?

And one more thing- I love that commercial for The Eric Andre Show on Adult Swim where a whole bunch of guys dressed alike (a character, I assume- I have never watched the show) are running up the street screaming and then one guy is running behind them with a microphone. I laugh every time I see it. I think there used to be an extended one where they were all beating the crap out of someone at the end, but I don't see that one anymore. Or I imagined it.

Ugh

The SPC issued a mesoscale discussion for a possible severe watch in my area. Damaging winds and a couple of tornadoes are supposed to be the main threat.

I hate when storms roll through overnight. Especially under a watch.

Random Thoughts

Going back to the list of why I think I am going through menopause, add in:

1) I am losing my hair like crazy
2) my nails are growing like crazy but are weak as shit and I have "stepmothers" galore
3) my hands get red and swollen, particularly in the heat and after coffee

Folks, I am about to lose my mind with this. I don't know what to do. I need an answer and if I don't get one soon I am going to completely break down. And at the same time I am terrified to get one.

I said before there aren't any compulsions to go along with this, aside from watching my cycle, but that turned out to be a lie. Oh there is. A few, in fact. One involves pulling the round mirror off of the wall and looking at myself down below, despite having no idea what to even look for. The second involves going into the bathroom and sticking my finger up inside to see if I feel dry, which frankly I don't even know if you can. The third involves going into the bathroom and checking to see if my underwear is in fact wet or my imagination and if they possibly smell of pee. I am developing a side obsession that my bladder is leaking and I am getting paranoid that I might smell or something and I am starting to try to avoid being around people because I am so worried about it. All of these are turning into several times a day ordeals.

I am sick and tired of looking at myself down below. I don't like how I look down below. Thanks to my sick mind, all of the Google image pictures I have seen made me even more self-conscious about my own vaginal area and how ugly I think it is, although there were some pretty fucking hideous vadges as well that made me feel better about my own. Honestly, I think the fact that I find my own vaginal area hideous is one of the reasons why I still have my virginity.

And now my period is expected by the end of the week. This should be a fun week. Especially if it does not come when it's expected to come because 1) then I'll start fretting that it is not going to come and a sure sign I am going through menopause and 2) if it comes late then that means I'll have it if I go down the shore and it means I'll probably have it for vacation next month and if there is one thing I hate about my period it is having it during vacation.

The weeks are just becoming bad period. Trying to get through an 8 hour shift is starting to become a real struggle. I just want to lay my head down and cry. Or go to sleep, because I am so emotionally and physically exhausted. Mostly I just want to go home and climb into bed and go to sleep just to shut my mind off. I was asked to do 2 days of overtime last week and the first thing I thought was great, how in the hell am I going to do that when I am barely making it through 8 hour shifts without breaking down? Somehow I managed to do it.

I think my work is really starting to suffer, though. I can't concentrate for shit. I can read something 5, 6 times in a row and still not comprehend what I read. And I can't stop repeatedly checking my work because I am so worried about making mistakes, although I don't know why when no one else seems to give a shit about making mistakes.

I also haven't gotten any word yet about the few days I asked to have off, so I am getting even more stressed out. I don't know what I will do if it gets rejected.

There is talk of severe weather later today. Here comes another healthy dose of stress.

"Gold" just popped up on my iTunes shuffle. Goddamn it I like that guy's voice. I can't believe I have only listened to it 105 times since I downloaded it in March.

Oh FFS

A tornado warning? Really? JFC like I am not anxious enough.

Gee, so much for the severe threat to diminish as the night wears on.

Random Thoughts

Had the Reeses peanut butter cup pie Blizzard last night. It's pretty much worth the 810 calories.

My anxiety levels have been terrible since my last post. Saturday morning, my brain had just woken up, eyes not even open yet, and my heart was already pounding like there was no tomorrow. It is the worst feeling when your heart is pounding and then you start getting anxious, thus making it pound even harder. The minute I climbed out of bed, my heart started to pound even harder. And it had been doing that thing again every so often where it feels like it stops and then starts up with a bang. Getting into a shower really brings it on. It is a very unsettling feeling.

And I had some irritability down below and in my bladder. The irritability ceased a lot during the day so my anxiety levels are down some right now, but give it time- the first sign of it coming back, I'll be right back to being an anxious mess.

I was upset about it on Friday and of course the first thing I get from everyone is "you need to get help and go on medicine". No shit, Sherlock. I know I need help, for fuck's sake. But I don't want to go on medicine. My family acts like I have never been on medicine. But I have! And despite no one believing me, I will go to my grave swearing that medicine (Effexor) is exactly what put me in the position I am in now. I wasn't exactly in a great spot before I went off of it, but going off it made everything a million times worse. And I hate to sound so shallow but I am not going to lie- I don't want to go on medicine because I don't want to gain weight.

And then my mom says something like I know it's my anxiety so why do I get so upset. I said because I can't shake the feeling that it may not be. I don't understand what is so hard to comprehend about these things. When I go through these bouts of worrying I have some disease or something, whether it's only my anxiety or not, I am still not going to be able to shake it off that that is all it is. THAT IS WHY I AM SO ANXIOUS.

And like the other times, when I go through these things, all I want is an answer. And I start contemplating going to the ER to get one, even though I know I'll go and all I get from the doctors is LOL ANXIETY. Just like everyone else tells me. And I am starting to worry that one of these days all my crying wolf and no one listening to me is going to bite me in the ass and I'll end up croaking. And then I'll laugh because nobody listened to me. Wherever I end up.

I also wonder a lot of times if I am really experiencing these symptoms or if they are possibly a figment of my anxiety. Is my anxiety so bad that it has me believing I am experiencing these symptoms when I really am not? That is unsettling. Extremely unsettling.

I was at Wal-Fart earlier and I was looking at ovulation tests. I was going to buy one but then I started to think, what if I buy one and it never shows I am ovulating? Then I'll lose it. I am still kind of wishing I bought one anyway. I am only on day 12 of my cycle, but maybe I might buy one over the next few days. Like I said before, I can usually physically tell when I am, but I think I may feel a little better if I have confirmation that I am, even though the tests may not always be accurate. I can't stand this every month worrying that it's going to come early or not at all. Every time I go into the bathroom, I dread that I am going to be bleeding unless I am expecting my period. It's sad how obsessed I have become with my menstrual cycle.

And to top off my anxiety, there is call for bad weather this upcoming week. The other day, TOR:CON was at 4 for Tuesday. It's since been downgraded to a 2-3, but still. What will it actually be on Tuesday? And Monday sounds like it's going to be stormy as well. I think TOR:CON is the same and so far the SPC has the risk for severe weather at slight for Monday. Whether either will change, I won't know until Monday. I am praying neither does, though, unless the severe risk changes from slight to nothing and TOR:CON is downgraded. Ugh, I am going to be such a wreck the next few days. Fucking Typhoon Neoguri wreaking havoc on everything.

Don't know if I have to get up early or not on Sunday so I guess I should head off to bed. My nerves are already in a frenzy that I am not going to sleep and/or wake up at some point with irritability. It never fucking stops ever.

Random Thoughts

 Damn, it's raining like a bitch outside. Some of our yard is flooded.

When I was driving home from work earlier, I felt really shaky and jittery and just bad overall. And I couldn't figure out why, so I just chalked it up to my monthly time. Well, I decided to look at the bottle of period pills I have and noticed it said there were 60 mg of caffeine. In one pill. I took four pills altogether today. No wonder I felt so lousy! Damn me and my caffeine intolerance! You're talking about someone who used to make a 4 cup pot of coffee with 3 scoops of full caf coffee. Now I am lucky if I can drink half caf without feeling jittery sometimes.

I just found out today my boss' boss is coming in tomorrow. Now I am nervous all over again. What if she is coming in because of the whole email thing? I did ask one of my coworkers on Monday if she had to hear the lecture and she said she did, so it wasn't just me, thank goodness.

I don't know if I am just having period brain or what, but I have been having such a difficult time in work this week. I feel like every chart I pick up is difficult. And I am so fucking slow! I take forever to do anything because I am so worried about making mistakes! I will type up one visit, then reread it, then compare it to the report, sometimes repeat, and then move on. And you'd think checking my work as I go through would be good enough. Oh no. Sometimes I get to the end of the chart and I get anxious all over again and have to check it again. It's so damn annoying. Sometimes I feel like putting in my two weeks before the company decides one day to fire me for being too damn slow, because let's face it- until I get mental help, I am never going to change.

You know what would make my job easier? IF DOCTORS KNEW HOW TO FRIGGIN' WRITE. And I am not just referring to notes with the stereotypical horrible doctor handwriting (and man, do some have AWFUL handwriting. Physical therapists can have pretty terrible writing, too.). I mean even typed reports can be a pain. They're transcribed stupidly. Body parts are wrong or change throughout, the sex of the person changes, bad grammar and spelling, sentences make no sense, etc. Either the transcriptionist has no idea what they are doing or the doctor is using one of those voice recognition softwares. And supposedly doctors are really supposed to read and check them before they are finalized, but guess what? They don't.

I keep thinking about certifying my stanning and joining the MGMT fan club, but I keep putting it off. I don't know why. I need to just sign up for it already. I'll probably be the oldest member.