Hmph

Tomorrow will be 14 years since I was admitted to that place. It certainly was not the most pleasant experience, and my mental state at that time was bad (at the time, if you had told me that I would one day not be the least bit afraid of MS, I would not have believed you in any way, shape or form), but it was not terrible. Why I cannot shake the trauma of the entire experience is beyond my understanding.

Random Thoughts

Have you ever had a dream that just haunts you to no end? Almost 2 weeks ago, I had a very bizarre dream, and to this day it's still bothering me. The strange thing is, I remember almost nothing about it, just that I was walking around inside some big theater-type place and George Michael's "Father Figure" was playing, yet for some reason, I have been haunted by it since. I love that song, but whatever it was about the dream that has me so disturbed has made me completely unable to listen to it.

Is developing an aversion to something because of a bad experience normal? I can walk into a room and forget why I came in, yet I can distinctly remember the drive to the crazy house on 1/13/06 and the fact that I was listening to the song "Valerie" by Steve Winwood. And to this day, I still can't listen to that day without those memories flooding my head. Or how I can't listen to Depeche Mode's Playing the Angel album without thinking of that time period as well. And forget even trying to listen to the Scorpions' "Send Me an Angel", another song I listened to a lot during that time period- the end result is usually a lot of tears and borderline panic attack. To this day, I will never understand why that time period and hospital stay traumatized me so bad. The hospital stay was basically a waste of my time, but overall it wasn't that terrible. So why I am still so affected by it?

Then again, it's not like I come from a family particularly known for letting shit go. And Lord knows I could probably win gold or platinum in that category. Not being able to let shit go is probably >95% of why I have mental illness.

Random Thoughts

Well that was unsurprisingly a quick 3 days off. Quick summer as well. Boo. I was always one to look forward to the end of summer and the start of fall. Now I hate when summer ends. And I think it has to do with 5 years ago when I was going through such a rough time and then ended up being laid off on top of it. My mental state was really not in a good place then and I think I have been subconsciously associating that with fall since then.

I had no one to do anything with last night so I just did my own thing. Went to Popeye's like last time. I was in there with my book and 3 old people. Then I ran to a few stores and came home and at in front of the boob tube and read. It was depressing as fuck. I felt like going and buying a gun and blowing my brains out. Still feeling like that, actually. More so because I have to go back to work. And because of visions of horrible things happening playing nonstop in my head. I swear to God some days when they're really bad I want to take an ice pick and jam it up my fucking nose.

And to make my suicidal thoughts more depressing....it's apparently National Suicide Prevention week. I saw that earlier and thought, Jesus that would be fucking ironic.

I'm beyond frustrated with this bloating and left lower abdominal distention. Every time I put my pants on I want to cry because they feel so tight on me. I'm so disgusted with myself and disgusted with myself for starting to think I'm fat again. I really should go to the doctor and request an abdominal CT scan. That way it could show the digestive system and female organs. An ultrasound wouldn't do much for me unless there is definitely something going on in my women parts.

I bought Nature Made Advanced Dual Action probiotics the other day. I haven't tried them yet, as I am still finishing up the last few of my usual probiotics. I hope they do something good, though.

Anyway, I am currently reading Robopocalypse by Daniel Wilson. I had bought a copy of Amped in the Dollar Tree back in July and I was very interested in it and then I read some reviews on Robo and thought it sounded intestesing, so I checked it out of my local library. I am simultaneously fascinated and freaked out by it. Definitely enforces my belief that technology is great until it malfunctions. It also makes me think of the "Mother's Day" episode of Futurama. Hey Hey! Ho Ho! 100110!

Random Thoughts

So help me God, if this bug that is up my ass does not crawl out soon, I'm going to lose my mind.

And the crankier I feel the nastier I am getting and the more I am finding myself doing shit even out of the ordinary for me. I have never felt so unlike myself as I do right now. I've had nasty streaks before, plenty, but I don't ever recall feeling so nasty and bitter as I do right now. And I don't like it.

Yesterday I didn't wake up in the greatest of moods. Partly because it was Monday, partly because I knew I had to go back in to a chart that was taking forever to summarize because it was so fucking detailed, and partly I have no idea why. And then something in work put me in a pissy mood for the rest of the day. And truthfully it's probably me just being too sensitive and reading too much into things. Every so often I'll email billing invoices up to our sister company and some time around December we were given a new person to forward them to. And when he would respond to my emails, I noticed he would include Ms. Croquette. Since I know she used to deal with billing back when I got laid off, I figured she needed to be included in sending them and I started to include her on my emails.

So fast forward to what, 4 months later, I email some invoices yesterday and a few minutes later I get an email from Ms. Croquette asking me and the main person we forward them to "please remove me from these emails". And it just rubbed me the wrong way. I know things can be interpreted wrong in emails, but I can just picture her snooty ass typing the email all snooty like. And why four months later am I being asked this? If she is not supposed to be receiving the emails, then why not, oh I don't know, EMAIL ME SOONER?

And then I came home from work in a foul mood and my sister and my nephew were here. One thing that annoys me with sister is she gets pissed if people overstay their welcome but has no problem ever doing it herself. And my mom is trying to get dinner ready and my sister is just taking her good old time leaving and my nephew is making chaos everywhere and I started feeling really stressed out and I went into my bedroom and at some point said "OMG just go the fuck home already!". Except I didn't just say it. I yelled it. And she heard me.

And my FWA is starting to really get under my skin with her attitude.

And something that is really starting to scare me is how paranoid I am starting to feel. Not paranoid in the sense that people are out to get me (for the most part) or aliens are going to abduct me or the government is going to start transmitting things through my teeth. No, rather I am feeling overly paranoid that everyone is being extremely cold towards me and that everyone hates me and wants me to go away and I am worried that someone hacked in to my Facebook account and posted something offensive that I can't see and that's why everyone is being so cold to me. And I keep wondering if it's the Prozac but I can't figure out why over a year later it would start to do this. And now I'm even more afraid to up my dosage that it will make me even more paranoid. All I know is I went to bed last night thinking, god I wish I had a plan so I can just put an end to this miserable excuse of a life already.

Random Thoughts

Well, it should come as no surprise that my blood work came back fine, with the exception of my absolute lymph count being low. I have no idea what that signifies but apparently it must not be anything serious or I would have [hopefully] heard from the doctor.

I'm really and truly starting to question my sanity at this point, although I have a hard time believing that even my anxiety is powerful enough to LOWER my blood pressure. I'd think it would raise it if anything. Or the BP monitor is not working properly, who knows.

I don't feel as bad I did the other day but I am still feeling kind of crappy. I'm still getting heart palpitations, mostly when I'm standing up for a little bit. And I don't know if I'm having a really bad attack of allergies or a cold, but I'm stuffed up and sneezy and my throat feels irritated.

My FWA had a half day on Thursday and off Friday because it was her brat's birthday. And who comes strolling into work at quarter to eleven on Friday? None other than my FWA and her brat. I swear to God she is the only idiot I know who voluntarily comes into work on her days off. I don't know about anyone else, but when I have a day off I don't want to go anywhere near that hellhole. But we all know the reason why she comes in- she wants to show off her daughter. Because don't you know, she's the first and only person in the world to have a child?

Random Thoughts

So luckily no tornadoes came during that last tornado watch, although we did get some rather nasty storms. This weather is nuts. Yesterday I cleaned about an inch or more of snow off of my car and drove to work in snow and this upcoming week it's going to be in the 70's. What the hell?

And these crazy warm ups that keep popping up are making me very nervous of what kind of weather spring is going to bring. Namely, what kind of severe weather.

Boy, Facebook really knows how to bring out the hateful side of people, doesn't it? My God, some of the things people on my newsfeed post, I'm like whoa, seriously?! And while I know some stupid ass delusional people, I can't believe I actually know anyone stupid and delusional enough to want to vote for Donald Trump. Really- he's trolling us all with his shit, right?

I was exercising earlier and "A Good Sadness" came on and I thought hey, Oracular Spectacular came out in 2007, Congratulations came out in 2010, and MGMT came out in 2013. A new album seems to come out every 3 years. It's time, boys! Time for some new music!

This past week, I reluctantly added another day of taking Prozac, upping my dosage to 6 days a week of 20 mg from 5 days a week of 20 mg. I hope it helps some and doesn't make me gain weight. I also hope it doesn't make me even more apathetic than it's already made me.

Another thing I have noticed since starting the medication is I have gotten even worse with discussing things on my mind. I was kind of bad with discussing problems before, but now I really tend to take everything and just shove it deep down inside of me instead of getting it off my chest.

Or maybe it's because all of a sudden I've become everyone's dumping ground for their problems. I constantly have to hear about what is ailing my mother or how horrible my sister's pregnancy is going or how bad my nephew is being. And the terrible thing is how much I feel like screaming I DON'T CARE to it all. And I feel HORRIBLE feeling that way towards my family, although to be fair it's not just isolated to them. Anytime anyone talks to me in work, or anywhere really for that matter, 90% of the time I feel like screaming I DON'T CARE.

WTH

Yesterday it occurred to me that it was 10 years to the day since I was hospitalized (when you're someone like me, you don't forget the day you were forced to "voluntarily" commit yourself to a psychiatric hospital, especially when said day is none other than Friday the 13th). Ten years! It's been an entire freaking decade! How is that even possible? It still feels like it was just yesterday.

It still feels like yesterday that I made the terrible decision to quit Effexor cold turkey. Oh I thought I would be fine, that I'd be able to handle it. No, instead I sent myself into a deep terrible place complete with  godawful side effects that I still to this day don't know how I managed to get through without attempting suicide. And dropping my anatomy lab despite having an A average because I had myself so terrified I'd fail. Or going on Wellbutrin and feeling okay for a little bit and then doing a complete 180 and having myself convinced that I had MS and I couldn't shake the thought that I just wanted to lock myself in a running car and asphyxiate myself on CO.

Ugh. I wish there was a way to physically delete these memories out of my brain.

On another note, I really want a brownie sundae right now.

Random Thoughts

Three weeks. It has been about three weeks that I have been having a funky heart rhythm, anxiety, and insomnia. WHAT IS GOING ON? I feel like crap. All I want is to sleep past 6:30AM just one goddamn morning. To not feel like my heart is going to give out any moment.

And right now I feel very bloated and my lower left side is feeling very crampy, as well as across my lower back. I had a little bit of very light reddish brown spotting earlier- right after I got off my bike after dinner. I hope to God this shit isn't starting up again.

I feel so goddamn depressed and I can't even figure out why, except due to being so anxious. I often wonder if I am depressed because I am anxious or anxious because I am depressed; I think it probably goes both ways, but I think it's the former more than the latter.

I am so damn frustrated with my work output. I was hoping that maybe once I was on medicine my concentration levels would improve, but so far there had been very little improvement, if any at all.  I still have the attention span of a gnat.

It's graduation time everywhere and it's depressing the hell out of me. I never thought I'd be 31 years-old without a college degree (then again, a lot of shit that happened after high school I didn't expect to happen). And people will stand there and say oh it's never too late to do anything, which yes, is true. But what they don't realize is that even if I finally finish my degree one day it will still eat at me that I didn't finish when I was supposed to. Years from now, it will still eat at my that I dropped anatomy lab in the middle of the semester because I was so paranoid I was going to end up failing. Do you know what my average was when I dropped it? I had a fucking A average.

If I could go back to the time in 2005 when I decided to quit Effexor cold turkey and slap myself, I would. Believe me, I was having problems long before that, but that was the final push.

I wish I could go away for a really long time.

SMDH

Katie Hopkins Depression Comments Call Some Suicidal People 'Attention Seeking Bastards'

Ughhhhhhh

I woke up feeling very warm and anxious this morning and my heart was racing.At first I thought it was just from not taking medicine for the past 2 days, but I woke up feeling the same way on Sunday. I felt so bad that on my way to work, I seriously contemplated pulling over and calling my boss and telling her I'd be late because I was going to head to the ER. More than likely they wouldn't have done anything for me, but maybe someone could have given me a little bit of help. I ended up just heading to work and a few hours later I caved and took an Ativan.

The bloating has seemed to calm down some and while I am still getting waves of nausea, it's not nearly as bad. All day long, though, I kept feeling warm and I feel like the whole inside of my body is shaking. So far my return to psych meds has not been a positive experience, which is not going to help my mistrust of them by any means.

And it's not just the physical side effects bothering me. I have been having some pretty unsettling emotional thoughts as well. Like getting so frustrated from the side effects that I start to think why I should I even bother trying? Why shouldn't I just say the hell with it and end it all?

And yet, people think it's so easy to treat mental illness....

Ugh

Today is probably the worst I have felt so far. I didn't sleep well. I woke up feeling hot and sweaty and very anxious. My heart has been racing all day. I was soaked by the time I got off my bike and I started feeling short of breath and had to go sit down for a few minutes to try to catch my breath and get my heart to calm down, as well as cool down. I started to have a panic attack in the shower and had to sit down on the tub floor and try to calm myself down. I am still feeling very anxious and depressed. I am very nauseous and bloated. My stomach feels like it's on fire and the pain is through to my upper back as well. My whole body is aching, especially my legs (which briefly made me panic that I was getting the flu again but that was a different leg pain).

I really would like to see what Prozac can do for me again, but I honestly don't know how much longer I can take feeling so awful. It's one thing to ride through the physical side effects, but the emotional side effects are a whole other story. Many mentally ill people already have a fragile state of mind and should not have to be subjected to their bad feelings being exacerbated before getting better. Especially if those feelings involve suicidal feelings.

I was debating whether to try taking a pill every other day for now and I didn't take one at 8 (my assigned time to take it), but by 9 I was feeling overwhelmingly guilty and ended up take one. I don't know what to do. All I know is I don't want to feel so shitty anymore.

FML

The past few days in work I have felt like just screaming at the top of my lungs and never stopping. I am so goddamn frustrated! It's so damn frustrating to be working your butt off trying to get something done and your coworkers are on their 4th or 5th report and you're still only on your 1st. Or you type something and reread it over to make you what you have is right and you keep trying to move on to the next thing but you have to keep going back and check over the previous thing to make sure what you put is right. And god forbid you check it over a couple times, then go back to check it once again and find that you indeed made an error and you get anxious and upset because you almost missed it and then you have to go back and check it over several more times.

I don't know what the suicide rate is for people with OCD, but if it has a high rate, I would not be the least bit surprised. I would definitely say that of every thing I have been diagnosed with, it is the worst. Anyone with clinical OCD can perfectly understand why those of us with it want to punch every person who is all tee hee I like things neat I am so OCD.

I took my 3rd pill tonight and I honestly don't know how much longer I can ride this out. For one, I have myself so stressed out that I am going to gain weight that I am probably counteracting anything. And I am worried that I will gain weight and won't be able to lose it even if I go off of it. Or that it will mess up my entire metabolism for the rest of my life. My heart will not stop racing and I am feeling very shaky and a lot more anxious. I am also feeling very tired.

But the worst of it all is how it's affecting my entire digestive system. Of all the medications I have been on, the only time I ever had nausea was the first time I went on psych meds. Since an hour after I took my first pill, I have been experiencing burning in my stomach, nausea, burning in my throat, and bad bloating. I have had the joy of being in the bathroom 3 times today (that's a lot for me- I am always begging my digestive system to work, but for the love of God, when I say work, I don't mean diarrhea), which is only making me feel more bloated. My intestines hurt.

And I love how whenever I complain about how lousy I feel, all I get is "you need medicine!". Yes, because I am completely oblivious to how much of a fucking mental person I am. No, rather people are completely oblivious to how much I do realize that I am. I live in my mind every day, these people don't; I think I have a little more insight into how mental I am considering most people in my life have no awareness of just how much noise goes on in my head. They don't know how much I worry from the time I wake up until I go to sleep, of the strange and bizarre things I worry over, the minute things I worry over, of just how stressed I feel when my routine is going to be disrupted, of the horrible images I have in my head of bad things happening, of just how fearful I am of standing up for myself, of how I am tired of worrying but feel like if I don't worry I'll jinx myself, of just how fearful I am of gaining weight, of how I am afraid to ask people to do things for fear something will happen to them, of just how much self loathing I have, or one of the biggest problems of all, how much I struggle to understand why I wish I was a paraplegic.

I don't think that one will ever be answered or solved with any kind of medicine or therapy or whatever, though. And you know what? Fuck anyone who has a problem with it. I don't like the feeling any more than someone likes being disabled.

Ugh. This train ride is not going to be fun. At all.

*Long Ass Sigh*

I have a bottle of Prozac sitting in my bathroom cabinet. I haven't taken any yet. Because I am too chicken shit. It amazes me how I am so sick of the bullshit, the obsessing, the anxiety, the constant worrying, the feelings of hopelessness and guilt, the feeling of being so blue it's suffocating, the flying off the handle....and the fear of gaining weight manages to overshadow it all.

Apparently there are 3 possible reasons for my women problems- something is wrong with my sexual hormones, something is wrong with my general hormones, or it's stress. I don't doubt the last one has some kind of hand in this all, but the fact that it had to come up as a reason depresses the hell out of me. I am starting to feel like once that mental illness stigma is attached to you, everything in your life is going to be the result of stress. Oh, you're hemorrhaging out of every orifice? Your foot fell off? You have a mass in your boob? Your uterus prolapsed? STRESS

Another thing that is bugging me is how more than once I have said to a doctor that I have OCD and was asked "are you sure you have OCD?". What even? Yes, I am sure. One, I have been diagnosed with it (and have the paperwork to prove it). When I was diagnosed with it, it shocked the hell out of me. It was not a diagnosis I expected. But then I started looking back and realizing how much of my behavior was classic OCD behavior. It frustrates me so much because it's not like I'm just some dolt who is all tee hee I like a clean house I am so OCD. No, this is something that is taking over my whole entire fucking life and making it a living hell. And to be doubted is just downright hurtful. Would someone with diabetes or cancer be asked "are you sure you have diabetes" or "are you sure you have cancer"? No, they wouldn't. I don't think there is every going to be a point in my life where mental illness does not have a stigma. Sure, it may lessen at some point, but I think it's always going to be there in some shape or form.

Random Thoughts

It's Puppy Bowl! I have had it on since it started at 3, minus 2 hours of Food Factory. Goat cheerleaders! Katty Furry (who sounds remarkably better than her human counterpart)! Kitten halftime! And best of all, there is an actual full miniature schnauzer this year!

I can't believe the weekend is over already. I feel like I just got off of work and it's Sunday night already. And I did nothing the whole weekend! I am so fucking disgusted.

And I have been having some bleeding the past couple days. Over 2 years; I am so over this. I just want to know why this is happening. All I have concluded is it seems to basically occur around and/or during ovulation time. Is something wrong? It is normal? Is it something I am just basically going to have to deal with until my womanly parts decide to quit?

I am really starting to hate going into work. And it's not even so much that I hate my job itself; it's because I have so much trouble doing my job because of my stupidity in allowing mental illness to take over my life. And I at least can say that yes, I do have a major problem and yes, I would like to get better. But it's also clashing with the part of me that doesn't want to fight to get better and would rather just die. And the latter is starting to want to take control.

And then this shit with That Thing- I know damn well deep down that even if it happened to me, I would not be any happier. I would probably be just as miserable, if not possibly more.

Random Thoughts

It's another Food Factory marathon night and earlier they were discussing black forest cake made by a company owned by a father and son. I don't know about anyone else, but I wouldn't mind eating black forest cake off of the son's body. Or any kind of cake.

I am glad I was able to get out a little on Friday night (nothing overly exciting, my mother and I went to Chick-Fil-A for dinner, then I went and got a haircut and ran into Target and Wegman's) because I did shit today. My mother woke up not feeling well (I haven't been on much so I neglected to mention that my brother-in-law came down with the flu the other day, then the baby had a fever yesterday, now my sister isn't feeling well also; I think we are at the point that this can't be blamed on me anymore) and was running a slight fever, so she didn't feel like going anywhere, as well as my sister was thinking about running places without the baby, which would have meant my mom would have had to babysit him. But then she never called. So I never got anywhere. Not that I really had anywhere to go nor did I feel like going anywhere considering how cold it was outside, but I have been in all damn day! I am going stir crazy right now!

And then to annoy me even more, not only did I not get to do anything today, but next weekend is my grandfather's party and the following weekend is my nephew's party. ARGH! And do you know what is [shamefully] annoying me most about these parties? How much they're going to interfere with my routine. And whether I will be home before 11:30PM next weekend.

This constant need to abide by a routine is starting to get incredibly frustrating. I am starting to get to the point where if I find my routine is going to be disrupted, even just a little, I really fly off the handle. Then again, there isn't much that isn't causing me to fly off the handle these days.

Honestly, with as much as I stress myself out, it's no wonder I am so short-tempered. I don't know how I have never blown up at work. I have come close to it, but always manage to keep it under control. It's very frustrating to be reading something and not comprehend anything and have to go read it over 5 or more times before you finally understand what you just read. And sometimes that doesn't even work. Or I'll type something and then go back and read it to make sure what I put was correct and then have to go back and check over it several more times to make sure what I put was correct. Or I'll get to an end of a chart and I'll be filled with such an overwhelming fear that I might have missed a medical visit or put a wrong date or doctor's name that I have to go back and go page by page and make sure I didn't put any incorrect dates or doctor names or miss any visits.

And the hell and frustration I have to go through just doing my damn job because I allowed my OCD to take control of my life, can you see why I was so enraged when I found out my FWA made that comment about my boss needing to be on my ass? If she really said it, that is, which I don't doubt she did, because as much as she claims to be such a wonderful nice person, she is every bit as 2-faced as the rest of the office, but then again, I can't seem to find anybody in that office who hasn't lied a few times to my face, so I don't know who to believe ever.

And it just frustrates me because for the most part I understand my job. And I guess I must do an okay job with it. And if my life wasn't currently being controlled by mental illness, I could be turning out a hell of a lot more work than I currently do.

Hey Jealousy

I was reading an article about jealousy the other day and although the article seemed to be directed towards jealousy in relationships, I have been thinking about jealousy in general since reading it. I am pretty sure I have admitted before that I do have problems with jealousy. BIG problems. Definitely one of my worst qualities. And the majority of the time it stems from my own lack of self-worth and insecurities. But how do you explain it when it comes to something like That Thing? Whenever I see someone with what I want (notice how I have gone back to not specifically saying what it was), I am filled with several emotions. And one of them, shamefully, is jealousy. Deep, intense jealousy that makes me want to start screaming and never stop because I am so ashamed of this and don't want it. And also because it's not me.

Boy, one day if I ever decide to finally get back into therapy, some doctor/mental health specialist is going to have a fucking field day with me.

Random Thoughts

Woke up at 2:45AM last night. Immediately I started to worry that I would get hot and wouldn't be able to fall asleep and sure enough I did not fall back asleep until about 5. I can't deal with this starting again. I have been sleeping really good lately. Why is this starting again? Now I am going to have to dread going to bed every night again that I won't sleep, which in turn will make me less likely to sleep because I will have myself so stressed out?

I was also nauseous and having cramping across my lower abdomen, lower back, and thighs. I was half-tempted to go to the ER. I have been nauseous and cramping all day, as well as feeling warm and cold. Was super sweaty when I got off my bike and cold as soon as I took my clothes off. What the hell is wrong with me?? It's like I am sick with a fever....minus the fever.

I was going to try to get an appointment with my usual gynecologist; I wouldn't be able to get in to see her until February. Tried to schedule an appointment with a mental health facility and 1) they don't take my insurance and 2) they're not taking any new patients. This is not the first time I have gotten the latter excuse. How are people supposed to fucking get help then?!

SMDH

The Blinding of a Gloria X. in New Jersey State Hospital – Just Another Mental Patient

What a terrible story. There was no reason whatsoever for that woman to be in a state facility. All because she was fearful of taking a shower? Some days I start to kind of look at the field of psychiatry with some hope and then I read stories like this and get pissed off all over again. Having a disease of the mind is one of the worst, if not the worst, possible illnesses for a human being to have and to have to be treated like this is down right fucking barbaric.

I was forced to voluntarily commit myself to a psychiatric facility because I was deemed a threat to myself. I find the irony (is it being used correctly here?) of committing someone to a facility to keep them safe hilarious. Who are we safe from? Only ourselves. Certainly not from other patients. I have talked before about the patient with bipolar and violent tendencies. She liked me, considered me a daughter to her. But what was to say that one night I might not have said something to piss her off and she come after me? It could very well have happened. Any of those patients could have come after me. What was to say I wouldn't have went after anyone? I doubt I would have, because I am not a violent person by nature, but still.

Right before I was admitted, my sister, having done psych rotation before, straight out asked was I going to be on a floor with violent patients and not surprisingly the woman got all uppity and said she couldn't reveal that information. Fuck that shit. I have a right to know. I only wanted to hurt myself. I didn't need to be around violent people. I didn't need to have to sit at a table and have someone come over and tell me he was psychic and that I was going to be raped in the future and that I would marry my rapist. Yes, that really did happen. Because I wasn't scared enough.

I live in fear that one of these days my mental issues will get so bad that I will end up in a facility like the one in the article. And I don't doubt for one second that I would be just like Gloria, passive and vulnerable. All I can say is I hope to God someone murders me while in there, because I would rather be dead than live in a nightmarish hell like that.

Discussing That Thing

I can't even describe how hard it was for me to hit "Publish" on this. And this is honestly the last time I would like to address the whole topic. Whether it will be is a horse of another color.

As if this will come as a surprise to anyone, I was a strange child. Like I have said before (see this and this), I spent much of my time with my nose in medical books or pulling out our encyclopedias and reading up on diseases. I knew way too much for my own good at a young age about diseases. I remember one day in sixth grade we played Jeopardy and I was the only one in the entire sixth grade who knew that the other term for "lockjaw" was tetanus. Or it was vice versa; I don't remember because I try to put as much of sixth grade out of my head as possible. Either way, despite my hand up in the air to answer the question, no one called on me and we ended up losing. Oh well, their loss, right? If they would have just called on me, we would have won.

Anyway, now is the time to drag myself into super uncomfortable territory. Another thing I distinctly remember from my childhood is having an inexplicable obsession with wheelchairs. Why? I honestly cannot say why. I just did. I remember one time in third grade, one of my classmates saying he wished he was in a wheelchair and I was astonished that someone felt the same as I did. Now whether he was serious, I have no idea. But I wasn't joking.

Now that my memory has gone straight to hell, it's hard for me to recall just how much this has been in my life, but I do recall that there were times over the years where I alternated between wishing I was actually disabled and fearing ending up in one. In tenth grade, right when I was starting driver's ed, my mother and I got into a car accident. It wasn't a bad one, but I had never been involved in one before, so needless to say it shook me up pretty bad (and is also probably the reason why I am not someone who drives far distances). Then 4 months later, my parents and I were rear-ended. And somewhere between both of those accidents, I developed a terrible fear of getting into an accident (any kind- car, fall, etc) and becoming paralyzed. Or getting shot and becoming paralyzed. It was all I thought about 24-7 and I was nearly having panic attacks whenever I was in a car or out in public because I was so terrified of it happening. Not long after I was put on Effexor and the anxiety pretty much disappeared.

I don't remember what happened with it after that. But I do remember the fear of MS surfacing in 2005. Then I obsessed over that and was terrified that I had it and would end up in a wheelchair, and then sometime during that the fear of being paralyzed resurfaced as well.

I think it was sometime after those fears both disappeared that That Thing appeared. I don't remember how long it lasted the first time around, but I remember it going away at some point and then re-appearing in 2011. It's a shame that when it went away the second time it didn't stay away forever. It just strikes me as odd that it comes and goes.

I think around the first time it appeared, I had stumbled across a blog of someone who felt the same way. I talked with the writer for a little bit and he referred me to another blogger who I also talked with a bit. They were both on a different level than me- they actually lived the life of the disability they wanted. Which I think was the same as me, but I don't remember. I can't bring myself to do that. Have I thought about it? Yes. God yes. Just once I would like to. And I can't even begin to list how many times I have had dreams of being in one and in every dream, I distinctly remember the same thing crossing my mind- I feel right.

And if I recall from those blogs, the writers did get slack from actual disabled people over it. I don't like that. I understand their argument to a degree, why would someone wish for something like that. But it's not their place to judge. It's not their place to stand there and condemn someone for not feeling right in their own body. I am pretty sure every single person who wishes to be disabled understands that life would not be easy. If anyone of them have done as much reading on it as me, then they know it's not pretty. It can be downright fucking ugly. And yes, of course none of us can really grasp what it's like until it's actually experienced. But still. If any of these people feel the same anxiety, distress and shame that I do over it, the last thing they need is to be criticized and condemned for it. Our wanting this does not affect them. And yes, they may have not chosen to have it happen to them, but it isn't our fault it happened to them. I'd say these people all need to have a fucking seat, but then I'd probably get torn another hole for being politically incorrect.

I have made it blatantly clear how I feel about amputations and how I would react if I were to ever face having one, so I can't say I understand why people would wish to have limbs amputated. But am I going to judge and criticize them for it? No, because I understand that they don't feel right in their current bodies and that is distressing enough.

Whenever I am out in public, I look around at people and I wonder, is there anyone in front of me who feels the same way? Or am I the only one? I just look at people and envy them, envy them for not having strange thoughts and for being grateful that they are able-bodied. I feel like a monster and a freak for having these thoughts. I don't want to have them. I don't even want to discuss it with a therapist one day because I am so ashamed of it. Actually having to verbally say it out loud will be extremely difficult for me to do. And the sad thing is, I know that there is a part of me that doesn't really want this. Let's be real- if I got into an accident and realized I couldn't feel my legs, I'd probably freak the fuck out. Because I am just that type of person- always wanting what I don't have, then not wanting it when I do.

Also, when this resurfaces, it really brings out the abasiophiliac side of me. I have already openly admitted that on a normal basis I have somewhat of an attraction to men with certain disabilities, but damn does it flare up when That Thing flares up.

Random Thoughts

Three days down, two more to go until the weekend. Another weekend that will be royally fucked up my ungrateful brother-in-law. Ugh. It pisses me off so bad.

And speaking of things pissing me off, I think my grandparents, my aunt, my sister, and my nephew are coming over the house tomorrow. Yay. Just what I love to come home to after a day of work. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing family, but after working all day, I am tired, cranky, and usually hungry and I just want to come home and NOT have people all up in my face. And one of the most annoying things is my aunt is one of those people who overstays her welcome. She just does not ever get the hint that after so long it's time to GO HOME.

I am tired of feeling shitty this week. And it all started at the end of my period so of course I am thinking it's all hormone related and that there is something wrong with my hormones. I am tired of my eyes feeling dry, itchy, and sore. I wake up every morning and they're sore as hell. I am beyond fed up with my digestive system the past several weeks. I have had vicious heartburn and nausea. I feel like bugs are crawling on my skin. My jaw muscles are sore to touch and my teeth are bothering me. Yet I am not supposed to wonder if I am in perimenopause?

The past couple days I have been unusually hyper and giggly. I don't know why. Earlier I started to think gee, wouldn't it be nice if I went through a phase like I did back in the fall of 2010? Now I don't believe I have manic depression, but the way I behaved back then made me wonder if maybe I do actually have it, because my behavior somewhat resembled a hypomanic state. And I remember it starting out something like this. I wouldn't mind going through a phase like that again, because I hate to say it, but it felt fucking wonderful.

Or my mind is deciding to finally completely unravel and this is how it's going about doing so.