BLASPHEMY

No Food Factory tonight. Not one episode.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

My FWA was complaining to me earlier that she kept having to kill ants at her desk and she didn't understand why she would have them. Really? You don't know why?

Random Thoughts

Although it should come as no surprise, that was a quick 3 day weekend. Didn't really do anything spectacular. Went to Seaside yesterday. Never again will I go there on a holiday weekend, although after yesterday I wouldn't care if I never went back there again period. And look, I love my nephew to death but his temper tantrums every time we go out are starting to get a little tiring. I have never seen a toddler throw such terrible tantrums in my life- screaming ungodly, crying, kicking, hitting his mother. He's a good sweet kid most of the time, but then he turns into the kind of kid I cannot stand. I can't even tell you how many stared at him yesterday during his fit.

I found out from my sister yesterday that my FWA went to some fair on Friday night....with one of my coworkers. One of the ones who has bad-mouthed her the most. The one who sits and laughs at her every time she asks patients for their ID (my FWA asks them for it in this extremely high pitched voice and a lot of the times the patients have to ask her to repeat what she said). Those people are just completely fucking unbelievable. They are the phoniest bitches I have ever met. Everyone is so sweet to each others faces it could give you diabetes and then rip each other apart behind their backs. Oh except if you're Miss V. Then you're apparently untouchable and no one can ever talk about you. Just like that fat trouble-making bitch Monica that worked there back when I worked there before. No one could ever bad-mouth her either.

I still just have to laugh how my FWA remains friends with Monica after what she did before when she deliberately created trouble between my FWA and the racist bitch. But I guess that's what happens when you're so desperate for everyone to like you. 

I feel like I have never left middle school.

UGH

Earlier I was eating dry Cheerios and the lower left side of my mouth started to feel funny. After I finished the cereal I ate a banana and while I was eating it I felt something grind in the back on the left side and then felt something really hard in my mouth. I spit out a hard piece of beige and thought oh no, I hope that is not my crown. And sure enough when I looked in the mirror, part of my crown was chipped off. What a great way to start out my three day weekend. FML.

5/23: I was awake at 9 this morning so I called my dentist office to see what to do and the girl told me I could come in at 11, but I might have to wait a while to be seen. I ended up only having to wait about 40 minutes (which is nothing compared to my gyno office; I had a follow up scheduled on Tuesday for 10:15 and I wasn't seen until almost 11:30) and the chipped area was sanded down some and the dentist offered for me to come back and have it replaced for free. Technically I could leave it just the way it is, but I opted to have it replaced.

Lyrics Of The Day

From "Mid-Life Crustacean":

You're old
(you're old)
Groaning like a geezer
Hear yourself a-crackin' like an old has-been
Look at yourself, old man, you've got multiple chins
'Cause you're old...

Song Of The Day

I neither like nor dislike this song; rather, I am intrigued by it:

Random Thoughts

Three days down, two more to go until a much anticipated and needed 3 day weekend! Especially after this week. The work is kind of backed up, so I (and only I) have been doing overtime and will do it tomorrow and maybe Friday as well. I'm burnt!

So far my being on Prozac every other day again has not done much for my digestive system. It is nothing like when I initially took it every other day. I just had 2 weeks straight of diarrhea (minus the weekends for some reason) and bloating and this week I am still bloated, but now I am extremely constipated. I would imagine with the ridiculously lengthy half-life of Prozac that some of the extra dosing is STILL in my system, so I don't know if it has anything to do with it. All I know is I am incredibly annoyed, uncomfortable, and miserable.

Song Of The Day

Random Thoughts

I swear every Sunday I feel worse and worse about going back to work. And I am getting to a point where I feel like the only way I am ever going to get out of that place is for it to close down or I drop dead. And I don't like feeling like I am stuck somewhere.

On Friday, our newest MA was leaving (at a time she designated herself) and I heard my FWA say something to her about seeing her the next day. And I thought son of a bitch, that means she was probably invited to the birthday party as well. But now I don't know if she actually wasn't invited though, or was and just didn't show up, because out of all of the photo albums that were posted yesterday on Facebook, she was not tagged in a single one. And if she was invited, then that defeats the theory that my family tried to convince me of- that my FWA was only invited because she has a baby, because this MA only has an adult son.

I don't know what in the hell Ms. Hail to the V's issue is with me, because I have never done a damn thing to her. And if she is still holding something against me because I came in with my nephew on the same day she brought her son in (when he was newborn) then she needs to sit the fuck down because 1) I wasn't working there then and therefore didn't even know who she was or that she had a baby and 2) like I knew she would come in with her son that same time. Sometimes she seems like she is cool with me and then she does some rude ass shit, like always leaving without saying a word (I think maybe once or twice she has actually said good-bye to me). She ignores me in the morning, so I always make the effort to say good-morning even though I really don't want to. I don't get it. I don't get why she would have a problem with me. I don't expect everyone to like me, but I don't appreciate being disliked for no damn reason. Or there is just the possibility she has no problem with me and is just a miserable bitch. But I doubt it.

And I am so sick and tired of every time something she didn't do being questioned, everyone runs to her defense and says she didn't have time to do it. It's always she didn't have time to do it. Oh, but she always has time to play on her phone or talk to my FWA for a half-hour + or play on Facebook or Groupon or print stuff out for her kid for school. Sure, okay.

The other day she got up and left without saying a word and I said to my FWA "did you ever feel like just turning to someone and asking them what the fuck is their problem with you?". She said she doesn't know why anyone would have a problem with me, since I am very quiet and mostly stick to myself, and she claims no one has ever said anything to her about me, but this is my FWA we're talking about. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. After all, she is the same person who supposedly said that if my boss should be getting on anyone it should be me. Then again, this also came from our newest MA, who I am honestly starting to question if I can trust. Frankly I don't know who can I trust in there or anywhere anymore.

I have been so fucking miserable since Friday. My sister had people over on Friday night and I didn't even go because I felt so miserable. I feel depressed as hell and I don't even know why.

10:17AM: I just realized that minus tomorrow, Ms. Hail to the V is going to be in the office all week. Out-fucking-standing! Just what I want to see all week!

Song Of The Day

Random Thoughts

I contacted my doctor's office on Monday about the suspected tick and my doctor prescribed me a one time dosage of doxycycline. Yes, one of the pills I was on for endometritis. I can't even remember the last time I had to take antibiotics (2008 maybe?) and somehow I have managed to have to take several in a 2 month span. WTF?

Antibiotic prophylaxis or not, I am still feeling on edge about finding a tick on me, mostly because I want to know how on earth the bloodsucker got on me. Plus, you read some of the things they can cause besides Lyme disease and it opens a whole new door to anxiety.

I am still taking the Prozac every other day. I am sorry I ever started taking it every day like I did. My stomach is still a bloated mess. I still am not feeling hot mentally. All I want is to feel like I did initially when I was taking it every other day. And lord knows if that feeling will ever come again.

I also haven't been sleeping very well and have been having some very bizarre nightmares. I can't even remember any of them, just that they were very bizarre and scary. I'm running on little sleep and it's making me irritable and miserable as fuck.

NOPE NOPE NOPE

Saturday morning I was getting ready to get in the shower when I happened to look at my left hip and see a dark bump that resembled a freckle. I poked at it a few times and deduced it was a scab, so I left it alone. This morning I happened to look at my hip again and noticed it was a little bigger than Saturday. So I decided to pull it off and I dropped it in the sink. And that's when I noticed it had legs. And then I started to freak out. And then realized it was probably a tick and freaked out even more. I went in and woke my mom up and she picked it up with a pair of tweezers and squeezed it and blood shot out of it, freaking me out even more.

I can't even imagine where I would have picked up a tick. I am not outside often and even when I am, I am always pretty covered up. I am very rarely around animals and my sister's dog faithfully gets tick and flea medicine, so I doubt I picked it up from her. It might not even be a tick. I don't know what else it could possibly be, though.

Song Of The Day

"Motherfucker I’ll be back from the dead soon/I’ll be watching from the center of the hollow moon"

Random Thoughts

When I was sitting up front at my FWA's desk the other day, I happened to look up at her calendar and she had written for next Saturday Ms. Hail to the V's son's birthday party. Which I am taking to mean she was invited to. Can't say I got an invitation to it. Not that I would even want to go to the party, but I still can't help but feel a little stung at not getting an invitation, especially because I imagine basically everyone else in the office was probably invited to it.

And I just have to laugh how much everyone has bad-mouthed my FWA but then go and do shit like this. And yes I might talk shit about her all of the time, but I also don't stand there and act like she's my friend. You won't find me inviting her to anything of mine. Or any of my coworkers for that matter. Who wants to see those assholes outside of work? Over 42.5 hours a week is enough.

One day two of my coworkers said they think my FWA has changed a little bit since becoming a mother. Well, I don't know what they are seeing that I am not, because from what I see (and hear), she is still the same whiny never thinks she does anything wrong moron that she was before shitting out a kid. Then again, one of the people who said this is also the same person who talks about how much she loves the love story in 50 Shades (I can't. I just can't with that).

Like I said before, I think at some point in my life I need to just accept I am always going to be an outsider. More often than not, I feel like I am a fucking leper or just flat out invisible. And having difficulty with socializing just makes it even worse.

And I think feeling like this is the reason why I keep so much shit bottled up in me, for fear that it's just going to make everything worse. Really now- could you imagine what people with an already negative image of me would think if I told them about That Thing? It wouldn't be pretty. And frankly, I think I should be at the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck anymore.

Song Of The Day

Random Thoughts

Ugh, it's way too hot way too early.

I am back to taking the Prozac every other day and I have to say I don't feel quite as bad as I did. I don't feel like slamming my car into a tree whenever I am in it (well, at least not nearly as strongly as I did before, because let's face it- there is never a time I don't have suicidal ideation).

Can't say I still don't feel like even more of a failure, though.

GIMME

I have been craving cornbread for the past few weeks and I don't know why. All I know is if I don't get some soon, I am going to freaking lose my mind.

Random Thoughts

It has not been a good past few days. I have been one miserable agitated bitch. Friday I felt so shitty that the whole drive home all I could think was how bad I wanted to hit the gas pedal and slam into a tree. Yesterday I woke up feeling very anxious and agitated and ended up taking an Ativan before I went anywhere. I went down the shore for the day with my family and it was able to get my mind off of some things for a little bit, but as soon as I came home, I started to feel bad and depressed again. And I am still feeling really bad.

And once again I don't know what is causing it. It could be the post-period miserableness I sometimes get or it could be due to the increase in medicine. Which you would think would show up sooner, but it was a few weeks before Wellbutrin turned me into a paranoid mess that wanted to asphyxiate herself with carbon monoxide. And if it's the Prozac, it's going to be a while before I feel any better, thanks to it having such a ridiculously long half-life.

And once again, can people now see why I was so resistant to going back on medicine? 

Also, despite feeling hornier than fuck at times, I have been unable to have an orgasm.

Last year, we had a new MA start. And lately it has become apparent that she is one of the ones my boss allows to have special privileges. One of my coworkers said to me one day that she doesn't think this chick has worked a full 40 hour week since she started. And now that I think about it, I am starting to think it's true. She missed 3 days of work in January, conveniently got a doctor's excuse the day before a snowstorm, complained her knee was bothering her yet was able to exercise and then go skiing over a weekend where she supposedly got into an accident and broke ribs and then was out a whole week, and she just got back from a week long vacation last Monday and then had a doctor's appointment Wednesday and ended up not coming in the whole day, came in late Thursday and then left a half day, and then was out all Friday. She is also constantly coming in earlier if she has to leave early for an appointment, despite the fact that none of us are allowed to do that anymore (which I blame my FWA for that privilege being taken away).

And while I like this MA, there are times I am really starting to question whether I can trust her or if she is just like the MA she replaced, the one I worked with before I started back- a real trouble maker. Also, she is always in such a hurry to get work done, it's always being done half-assed (although I suspect a lot of times it's not so much she is in a hurry as much as she just simply doesn't feel like doing it) and then I have to clean it up and she is constantly texting on her phone or taking personal phone calls.I can't tell you how many times I have been waiting to use the scanner and she is back there supposedly scanning her own shit but is too busy texting on her phone. I'm telling you- it was better when the job of scanning was left to one person.

But the best part has been listening to my FWA complain all week about her and how much shit she gets away. Glass houses, FWA, glass houses.

On Friday, my FWA's friend posted some article about how chronic lateness might be a medical condition. Oh, that is all she needs to hear. No, honey, it's not a medical condition, it's just called you're a fat lazy slob who can't take responsibility for anything.

And going back to yesterday, aside from feeling so on edge, it was a nice day. A little chilly, but it was sunny and the sky was a flawless blue. More stores were missing from the boardwalk that I liked. And there was one restaurant that I have been going to since I was a kid that while they didn't have the best food (minus their outstanding apple crumb pie), I always liked the atmosphere of the place. And it is now gone. I was heartbroken when I found out last month that it had been sold and then to actually see it closed down was just depressing. I guess this is the fun of getting older, is it? Watching everything you like slowly disappear?