Random Thoughts

Two days down. We're doing good so far. God, I need this break so bad!

I still laugh about my FWA coming in late the other day because she didn't get enough sleep. I hate to be one of those OMG my problems are worse types, but look at how many nights I barely got any sleep, if any at all and I drug my ass into work ON TIME (something she probably couldn't do even if she had 20 hours of sleep)? Hell, I still managed to do it even during the period when I had the insomnia from hell for well over a week. Sure, it was rough, but I still did it.

That bout of insomnia was terrible. I started to worry that at some point I was going to start resembling Timmy Turner in that episode of the Oddparents when he wishes no one needed sleep. I hope I never have to go through a bout like that ever again.

Random Thoughts

I used to always watch Spongebob in the morning before I left for work. Then a couple weeks ago, Nick started playing The Fairly Oddparents at 7 and Spongebob at 7:30. This week they decided to stop playing both. So I had to find something new to watch. And what did I find on Monday? The Three Stooges. I was ecstatic. And during the commercial break, a commercial for Cadillac came on and I could not put my finger on what song was playing. I kept running the lyrics over and over in my head and then it finally clicked- it was some dancey version of "Gold" by Sir Sly.

I don't listen to that song nearly enough.

I was hoping that once my period came on and then ended that the fear of premature menopause would go on the back burner. Not the case. My anxiety levels are through the fucking roof over it. I have been feeling uncomfortable down below and having some bladder pressure off and on through the day and all I can think is it's atrophic vaginitis. Every time I am hot- hot flashes (although today my anxiety was so bad I was so cold I was almost shaking). Feeling depressed, anxious, irritable, having mood swings, dry eyes, acne, bloating, insomnia- all signs. I dread going to bed every night that I am not going to sleep. I am also beyond exhausted from the stress. Emotionally I just can't even fucking take it anymore. I don't know how my body is physically taking it. I was so worried about my adrenal glands for the longest time; I am surprised they haven't exploded from all of the stress I put on them from stressing out so much.

And not having anything to check is stressing me out even more. Every so often I pull the mirror down off of the wall to take a look down below, but I don't even have any idea what to look for. Or sometimes I might feel around for any dryness (don't know if you can actually feel that or not). I am half tempted to buy an ovulation test to see if I am ovulating around the time I generally see signs of it. I am so anxious that I am going to start bleeding any day or that my period won't come when it's supposed to. Or what is going to be in store for my next round of PMS. And I am so desperate to get an answer and I don't know where to go to get that answer because as usual, it can never be something that is easily diagnosed or ruled out.

Random Thoughts

Wow, my brain has been in a drought this week. I have been out of things to discuss, and when I do think of something, I am not near my computer, and then by the time I get to it, I either am too lazy to come on here and type something up, too busy on another site, or I have completely forgotten what it was I wanted to discuss. I am also having an AWFUL week with my favorite bodily system, so that has been making me miserable and not feeling like doing anything.

I was woken up by a bloody nose this morning. I was half asleep and I felt this warm wet feeling under my nose and I looked down at my pillow and there was blood all over it and more gushing out of my nose. I could not get it to stop for almost 15 minutes. And when it finally did mostly stop, I did something that I don't know why I did it, since I know you shouldn't- I blew my nose. And blood started flowing out again. It was another 10 minutes before I stopped wiping blood out of my nose. I have no idea what could have caused it. My nose and sinuses are kind of dry, but I don't think dry sinuses could cause blood to gush out like it was. I know I have a deviated septum, but I am not sure what side it is on. My mom tells me I'd know because I wouldn't be able to breathe from that side, but I have so much trouble with my sinuses it is really hard to distinguish. There is less room on the right side when you look up my nose, so I am think it may be the right side. The nose bleed was coming from my right side. Last time I had a nosebleed, it was from the right side.

On one of my daily websites, I have noticed a lot of racism going on. It's probably been there forever, but I just only recently started visiting more sections of it. It bugs the shit out of me. Hating someone for the color of their skin is racism. It's not okay, it's not acceptable, there is no such thing as reverse racism. One time on a One Direction posting, I saw a comment that this person hates Zayn's girlfriend.....because she is white. There are many examples, but that one pissed me off the most. Imagine if the situation was reversed?

Another time someone posted a link to a Zayn shrine Tumblr page and the creator of the page went on some long string that Louis is some kind of racist because he interrupts Zayn a lot in interviews. Or something ridiculous of that nature. I love/hate Louis, and he's a major ass (I am going to resist making jokes from that, but....DAT ASS), but calling him a racist is a little much. I don't think Louis is that much of an....ass. Goddammit, boy! You and your big ass!

I'll never forget the time back in the good old days of AOL instant messaging when I was chatting with some guy and he was pushing for me to meet him, and I kept saying no, and then I get "you won't meet because I'm black, right?". Yeah. That's it. I wouldn't meet you because you are black, a tidbit of information I was not aware of until I was being accused of why I wouldn't meet you. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he was in his 30's and I was like 19. Dumbass.

Sometimes I wish the world could do like that episode of the Fairly Oddparents when Timmy gets tired of his dentist always thinking he is superior to everyone, and wishes that everyone could be the same and everyone turns into gray blobs. But it would probably end up like how it turns out in the episode, with people still belittling each other. I really hate this world sometimes.

I just found out one of my favorite supermarkets is closing. I am so disappointed. It seems like every store or restaurant I like is disappearing.

Video Of The Day

I know this song from, believe it or not, a commercial that was played several years ago for The Fairly Oddparents. Took me forever to find out who sang it:

Random Thoughts

Boy, I love how on rainy days the real nutty drivers come out of the woodwork. Yesterday was a really nasty rainy day and I had to use my horn so many damn times on the way to and from work, it was ridiculous. I was ready to get out of my car at a red light and rip some bitch's head off at one point after she pulled out on top of me without stopping. Why are people so fucking stupid?

For some reason, the bitching about bad drivers made me think back to sometime in April when I was driving to work and I stupidly almost caused an accident. Obviously, I was very shook up and upset because I am usually more careful than that when it comes to left hand turns, so when I got to work, I called my sister up sobbing. Not long after I got off the phone, "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley came on. And you know what? It actually made me feel a little better.

Bob makes everything better, doesn't he?

I don't know what the hell crawled up my mother's ass and died this week (apparently whatever was up mine last week; now I can't stop thinking about that episode of the Fairly Oddparents when the bug that makes Vicky evil escapes and infects everyone else), but I am apparently her punching bag this week. The other night, she didn't feel like cooking so she suggested we put money together and get pizza and right away my dad decides to go with Pizza Hut. I don't want Pizza Hut and since I am paying towards it, I want a vote. I simply say if they want Pizza Hut they can get it themselves and I'll get something else. Immediately she starts freaking out and tells me "you're getting on my nerves". What in the FUCK was the big deal in what I said? They get what they want, I get what I want. What is the problem? Am I missing something here? I don't see what the big deal is in them getting what they want and me getting something else. Oh and then it turns into I am getting on her nerves about my weight. Me not wanting Pizza Hut had nothing (not completely) to do with it being a million calories. I wanted generic pizza.

I was feeling pretty nasty when she started on me and I had to almost bite my tongue completely off to keep from responding to her "you're getting on my nerves" with "well, I can easily stop getting on your nerves now can't I?". God, I hate that. Any time someone pisses me off, my first instinct is always to threaten suicide. I don't know why, other than the fact that I am absolutely bat-shit fucking insane. Do I really mean my threat? Usually no. I think about suicide and death constantly, but with the exception of the time I was on Wellbutrin, I have never actually had any idea or formulated plan of how I would do it. Whenever I think about it, I always think of that line from Girl Interrupted, which I assume is referring to suicide methods:

razors pain you, rivers are damp, acid stains you, drugs cause cramps, gun aren't lawful, nooses give, gas smells awful, you might as well live

Seriously, sometimes I wish someone would save me the trouble.

Quote Of The Day

From The Fairly Oddparents episode "Deja Vu":

Crocker: Good news Turner! You've taken F to a new level. I'm going to give you....a SUPER F!

Lyrics Of The Day

"My Shiny Teeth And Me" by Chip Skylark (from the Fairly Oddparents):

When I'm feeling lonely
Sad as I can be
All by myself on an uncharted island
in an endless sea

What makes me happy
fills me up with glee
those bones in my JAW!
that don't have a flaw

My Shiny Teeth and ME

My shiny teeth that twinkle
Just like the stars in space
My shiny teeth that sparkle
addin' beauty to my face

My shiny teeth that glisten
just like a christmas tree
You know they walk a mile just to see me smile
Woo!
My Shiny Teeth and Me
(shiny teeth shiny teeth)

Yes they're all so perfect
so white and pearly
Brush Gargle Rinse
A couple breath mints
My shiny teeth and me

My shiny teeth so awesome
just like my favorite song
My shiny teeth I floss them
so they grow to be real strong

My shiny teeth I love them
and they all love me
Why should I talk to you
when I got 32 (woo)
My shiny teeth and me

(shiny teeth shiny teeth)

My shiny teeth and me

(shiny teeth shiny teeth)

My shiny teeth that twinkle
Just like the stars in space
My shiny teeth that sparkle
addin' beauty to my face

My shiny teeth that glisten
just like a christmas tree
You know they walk a mile just to see me smile
Woo!
My Shiny Teeth and Me

(shiny teeth shiny teeth)

Random Thoughts

First....Happy Turkey Day!

Right now I am going to talk about my dog, as seen to the left. Yes, she does have a political Democrat donkey toy. Yes, I bought it for her. She is actually my sister's dog, but we all consider her as the pet family. Her name is Sammie and she just turned 5 on November 7th. Don't let the adorable face fool you. She is a devil and a half. I gave her a bath earlier and right in the middle of sudsing her entire body, she decides she is going to jump out of the tub and shake all over the place. I had to chase her all over my bathroom, which is not big by any means. She's just sneaky like that.

It was a week ago, but I never got around to talking about my cousin's funeral. Not that there is much exciting to talk about. I never cry at funerals. I think the last time I cried at one was back in elementary school when my Pop Pop Al died. I haven't cried at any since then. I just don't find death to be such a bad thing. Now, of course, I did not cry at this funeral either, but when I got home, I certainly did. Suicide is sad. It really is. Knowing that someone else out there that I knew personally was feeling similar to how I have felt many times, but actually went through with it....it's depressing. And people can stand there and say "oh well maybe he should have got help" or "maybe he shouldn't have been so selfish". He did get help. He was on medication. People do not seem to grasp how antidepressants probably never really help people who pretty severely depressed. Also, not many people seem to realize that antidepressants can INCREASE the risk of suicide. I can vouch for that from when I took Wellbutrin. I am not even going to bother commenting on the second one. I can talk until I am blue in the face and some asshole will stand around and complain about the selfishness of suicide.

And if you have ever heard of the fun of going off of Effexor, I can vouch for that as well. It is pure hell. The first time I went off of it, I did it smartly- weaned off little by little. I still got sick to my stomach, dizzy, and felt like I was being electrocuted in my head every time I moved my head or eyes. The second time, I did it stupidly. I dropped from 75 mg to nothing. I had no money to go to the doctors and get a prescription, so I figured I'd ride out the withdrawal. How, to this day, I did it is beyond me. I felt like hell. I was sick to my stomach and dizzy. I had violent mood swings. Every time I drove to work or school, I wanted to floor my car into a tree or railguard or whatever strong structure was close by. Every time I moved my head, my whole body felt like it was being electrocuted. I had internal chills and would put something on to warm up and in no time, I was soaked. I had migraines. I really believe I could have seriously hurt someone if I was pushed enough. I honestly advise anyone to stay as far, far away from this drug as humanly possible. I STILL get the brain zaps to this day and I truly believe I have not been the same since quitting it.

Anyway, back to the funeral, when the actual cemetary part came, someone brought a radio to play songs and wouldn't you know the first song they played was "Dust In The Wind"? I wanted to bust up laughing, because the first thing that came to mind was Will Ferrell singing it at Blue's funeral in Old School and then screaming "you're my boy, Blue!".

The minute I step into a church, every funny thing possible floods my head. I think of the episode of The Simpsons when Bart photo-copies his ass and then places the copies in all of the church books. I think of the episode of Family Guy when Stewie dresses up as a devil and tries to scare someone in church. I think of the time I went to a funeral and my father fell asleep in the church and started to moan loudly (just for the record, he did fall asleep at my cousin's as well; just no moaning).

Hey. No one said I was normal. I mean, this is the same person who has "My Shiny Teeth and Me" by Chip Skylark (from The Fairly Oddparents) on her iPod.