Once again, another week of my mother not talking to me. I don't even know what the reasoning is behind it this time, except if it is due to Monday night when she decided to yell at me that if I didn't knock it off she was going to kill me (not literally, of course) and I yelled back that I wish someone would. I was dead serious. So I guess her punishment for me is to not talk to me. Which isolating and not talking to someone with suicidal ideation is always a wise decision. But what do I know?
I am tired of this. I keep reminding myself of why I need to stick around, of all of the places I have not visited, people I want to meet, that I am going to have a niece or nephew in a few months....and it's getting increasingly harder to convince myself that these are worthy reasons when the reasons to not stick around keep on increasing.
And getting the silent treatment and others brushing me off when I try to talk to them is only adding fuel to the fire. For cripe's sake, if I am talking to you about something bothering me, it's not because I just feel like running my mouth. It's because I have finally reached the point where I don't know how to help myself and I want someone to help me. Everyone in my family has the theory that the only way to help yourself is to do just that- help yourself. Which I agree with to a certain point. But there comes a time where that isn't an option. I don't know what to do for myself anymore. I don't know what it is going to take for me to finally hit rock bottom and say "I can't fucking deal with this anymore, something has to give". I can't even imagine feeling any worse than I already do. And of course the sick twisted area of my brain is going to convince me that if no one wants to help me, then they don't give a shit, so why should I? I'm trying to ignore it.
When I was down the shore a couple weeks ago, I don't recall the reason why suicide came up, but at one point my sister starts reeling off different ways of offing yourself. Since I was hospitalized, I keep my suicidal thoughts to myself, which is probably the worst thing to do, but since my family is not known for acting rationally with most things, I know if I tell my family, they will make it a thousand times worse. But I so badly wanted to turn to her and say please stop this isn't good.
I went to that link I posted on the side, the "Suicide: Read This First", and while I was reading it, I happened to look up at the address bar and noticed the site is metanoia.org, and I started giggling.
I was watching the Weather Channel earlier and they were discussing Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Whatever it is now Isaac. I know there were manditory evacuations in some areas. I can't even imagine how scary that must be. Irene scared me enough last year. Knowing I am being forced to leave my home, and possibly not having one to come home to afterwards, is scary.
And it's odd how all of the years I have spent watching the Weather Channel and reading up on weather topics that I never knew until last year when Irene was coming that hurricanes can spawn tornadoes. I even remember doing a research paper on hurricanes in eighth grade, but I don't recall reading that. I am looking at the SPC website right now and I swear the same area has been under a tornado watch since Tuesday. One expires and a new one is right there to take its place. Why doesn't the NWS just issue one giant long tornado watch instead of issuing several smaller ones? The first one went into effect 9:45AM CDT on Tuesday. Why not expand the area of the watch (obviously I realize the areas are adjusting with each new watch) and just issue one from 9:45AM CDT Tuesday 8/28/12 until whenever Isaac decides to get his ass out of there?
God I love the SPC webpage. It's like porn to me. If only I could understand half of what I am reading. And I don't know why, but whenever I read the archived storm reports and it says a tornado was reported crossing a highway, I always start giggling. I can picture a cartoon twister flying across a field, stopping at the edge of the highway, swinging both ways as if to check if it's clear, and then zooming across the highway.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Picture Of The Day
See more on Know Your Meme
*hyperventilating* OH GOD I KNOW THAT FEELING
Actually....check out the entire Anxiety Cat gallery. I can relate to almost every single one.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
The Awesome Of The Day
I posted a comment earlier on Facebook in the day and I just checked up on it and my simple little sarcastic comment got 54 likes. I don't know if it's extreme exhaust, too much caffeine, too much food, or what, but I am giggling so hard over it.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Random Thoughts
I don't know what made me think of it, but earlier today I started thinking about psychiatric facilites and the abuse that goes on in some of them. It's infuriating. For the past couple of years, my local newspaper has ran stories on the local state hospital in the area and all of the abuse that goes on there- sexual abuse, physical abuse, murders, etc. It's sickening.
What I don't understand is why these people even go into this line of work. The place I was sent to was a private facility, so it was run a little better than a state hospital. Some of the workers were actually pretty decent. But then there were the ones that had no business being in that line of work. The ones I wanted to punch and demand to know why they were in this field when they are such rotten human beings. Like the psych tech that used to provoke a bipolar 1 patient with violent tendencies. Frankly, every time she provoked her, I was glad when the patient went after her. Stupid bitch. You want to play with fire, don't fucking bitch when you get burnt.
The patient was fine otherwise. A bit strange, but hey, she liked me and said she was going to consider me an adopted daughter. Seems most of the older women did.
I don't understand the point of going into a field like this, or any healthcare career, if you have no compassion. When I first started college, I thought of going into nursing since I wanted to be one since elemenary school, and I believe I could make a good nurse, but 1) I can't handle stress and 2) I really have no idea how to be compassionate. So I decided against going in the field. I also don't like lawyers and I don't like touching people. I have this overwhelming fear that I will touch someone and they will accuse me of trying to sexually assault them or something.
I had insomnia last night (what else is new) and I was thinking about medication and how I am so torn about going back on it. I'll just come out and admit right now that my biggest fear of going back on them is gaining weight. I don't recall ever gaining weight when I took antidepressants. Prozac made it a little difficult to maintain my weight, but that was about it. The only ones that did make me gain were the antipsychotics. I was fine with Seroquel as long as I stayed at 50 mg or less. But who knows how drugs would affect me now.
In addition to the potential weight gain, there is the potential for increased suicidal thoughts, which is the last thing I need right now. Possibly having to face yet another heartbreaking disappointment of a drug failing to work for me.
What I don't understand is why these people even go into this line of work. The place I was sent to was a private facility, so it was run a little better than a state hospital. Some of the workers were actually pretty decent. But then there were the ones that had no business being in that line of work. The ones I wanted to punch and demand to know why they were in this field when they are such rotten human beings. Like the psych tech that used to provoke a bipolar 1 patient with violent tendencies. Frankly, every time she provoked her, I was glad when the patient went after her. Stupid bitch. You want to play with fire, don't fucking bitch when you get burnt.
The patient was fine otherwise. A bit strange, but hey, she liked me and said she was going to consider me an adopted daughter. Seems most of the older women did.
I don't understand the point of going into a field like this, or any healthcare career, if you have no compassion. When I first started college, I thought of going into nursing since I wanted to be one since elemenary school, and I believe I could make a good nurse, but 1) I can't handle stress and 2) I really have no idea how to be compassionate. So I decided against going in the field. I also don't like lawyers and I don't like touching people. I have this overwhelming fear that I will touch someone and they will accuse me of trying to sexually assault them or something.
I had insomnia last night (what else is new) and I was thinking about medication and how I am so torn about going back on it. I'll just come out and admit right now that my biggest fear of going back on them is gaining weight. I don't recall ever gaining weight when I took antidepressants. Prozac made it a little difficult to maintain my weight, but that was about it. The only ones that did make me gain were the antipsychotics. I was fine with Seroquel as long as I stayed at 50 mg or less. But who knows how drugs would affect me now.
In addition to the potential weight gain, there is the potential for increased suicidal thoughts, which is the last thing I need right now. Possibly having to face yet another heartbreaking disappointment of a drug failing to work for me.
Friday, August 24, 2012
The Stupid Of The Day
The 20 Worst Hipster Bands: The Complete List
Since when is "hipster" considered a genre of music? I guess it doesn't matter that most, if not all, of these bands write their own music. I don't even know who most of the people are on the list, or know them but never have heard their music, but if they write their own music and play instruments, then I have mad respect for them. They're musicians, not just singers. But I guess that doesn't matter. They're not visibly appealing to society. Because looks and mediocrity are just everything nowadays in Hollywood. This is why all of these bands end up on the backburner, and the singer of that bloody awful "Call Me Maybe" aural holocaust and One Direction are tearing up the charts. Funny thing is, I don't even have that much of a problem with 1D, but they were the first thing to pop into my head. They're certainly less annoying than the Lesbeaver. Theyir voices are really not that bad. And probably because I have a bit of a cougar crush on that little curly haired imp Harry (oh god why; I'm so ashamed of myself, although I just think he is cute in a I want to adopt him as a baby brother thing. Look at him! He's so adorable!).*
*my opinion is completely biased and based solely on MGMT
And fuck the hate for Congratulations. It's beyond nauseating.
Since when is "hipster" considered a genre of music? I guess it doesn't matter that most, if not all, of these bands write their own music. I don't even know who most of the people are on the list, or know them but never have heard their music, but if they write their own music and play instruments, then I have mad respect for them. They're musicians, not just singers. But I guess that doesn't matter. They're not visibly appealing to society. Because looks and mediocrity are just everything nowadays in Hollywood. This is why all of these bands end up on the backburner, and the singer of that bloody awful "Call Me Maybe" aural holocaust and One Direction are tearing up the charts. Funny thing is, I don't even have that much of a problem with 1D, but they were the first thing to pop into my head. They're certainly less annoying than the Lesbeaver. Theyir voices are really not that bad. And probably because I have a bit of a cougar crush on that little curly haired imp Harry (oh god why; I'm so ashamed of myself, although I just think he is cute in a I want to adopt him as a baby brother thing. Look at him! He's so adorable!).*
*my opinion is completely biased and based solely on MGMT
And fuck the hate for Congratulations. It's beyond nauseating.
Random Thoughts
Boy, I can't believe next weekend will be Labor Day weekend already. Earlier on the news, they were discussing about it being one year since that dumb earthquake hit. And in a few days, it will be a year since Hurricane Irene threatened my area. And in a week and a half or so, one year since I found out I would be losing my job. Before I know it, it will be October and one year since my last day of work. Where in the hell has the time gone?
It also occured to me that it has been one year since I started not feeling well, since the day of the earthquake is when I can pinpoint starting to feel shitty. Whether it started before that, I really don't recall, except for developing some kind of cold before I went down the shore about two weeks prior. And I still have no answer. I so badly want to say at this point I don't think that it's Addison's, but I still just cannot bring myself to let go of that fear. I still worry that should I let go of it, that I will jinx myself. OCD is such a rotten son of a bitch.
I know I should not be dwelling on it still, but it still hurts that I was laid off from my job. Sure, I wasn't the only one to get laid off, but I still feel like it was somehow my fault. That I did something wrong. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been just finally getting some of my life back. I had a job, I was making money, I had benefits. I finally felt somewhat secure. All I needed was to take the step of going back to school and finishing the other half of my schooling. Instead, some cruel force decided it would be funny to knock me down on my ass again.
While pity partying earlier, I thought of my friend that died in the car accident, and I still wonder why the one and only friend I had had to be taken from me. What did I do wrong?
And while I am actually surprisingly excited about becoming an aunt (although it should be interesting the first time someone hands me my niece or nephew; I have no idea how to handle babies), there is also a small part of me that dreads it. That I will be a lousy aunt. That it's just another person in my life that I will be nothing but a big disappointment to.
I am also so disgusted with my digestive system right now. I knew going on vacation was a big mistake, because now it is apparently on strike. I am so bloated and I just want to scream. My back is starting to hurt because it's so bad. And I am 4 pounds heavier and I don't know if it is just from this problem, or if I gained any weight. Monday and Tuesday the scale was around 125, Wednesday it was back down to 122, and Thursday it was right back up to 125. Any other time I go through this, the scale is up just because I am so bad off. Once the problem resolves itself, the scale goes right back down. But who knows when that is going to happen.
Also, speaking of weight, I happened to look up my measurements on a sizing chart and was surprised to find that my measurements do actually correlate with a size 8. What I still don't understand is how I have such large measurements for my weight. Especially when all I ever hear is women in weight loss commercials saying "oh I weigh 150 pounds and now wear a size 6!".
Sizing can be such a pain in the ass, but no matter how much I may hate my size, I still make sure whatever I buy fits me with enough room, even if the size makes me want to go on a rampage. I'd much rather my clothes be a little too loose than too tight. Absolutely no muffin top for me. I bought a shirt earlier in the season at NY&Co and was surprised to find I get could into an XS. I was hesitant to buy it, even though I had plenty of room. I did end up buying it, but I still feel awkward when I wear it that I may look too big in it.
And last but not least, I noticed today that Andrew's Facebook fan page, assuming it is actually legitimate and controlled by him, is no longer in existence. Did he finally stab his Facebook?!! *sobs* ANDREW! Y U NO KEEP YOUR PAGE?!
Also....here is an extremely fappable picture of Andrew. He looks like Anakin Skywalker in Episode III. His acting was pretty horrendous, but damn did Hayden Christensen look hot in that movie.
It also occured to me that it has been one year since I started not feeling well, since the day of the earthquake is when I can pinpoint starting to feel shitty. Whether it started before that, I really don't recall, except for developing some kind of cold before I went down the shore about two weeks prior. And I still have no answer. I so badly want to say at this point I don't think that it's Addison's, but I still just cannot bring myself to let go of that fear. I still worry that should I let go of it, that I will jinx myself. OCD is such a rotten son of a bitch.
I know I should not be dwelling on it still, but it still hurts that I was laid off from my job. Sure, I wasn't the only one to get laid off, but I still feel like it was somehow my fault. That I did something wrong. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been just finally getting some of my life back. I had a job, I was making money, I had benefits. I finally felt somewhat secure. All I needed was to take the step of going back to school and finishing the other half of my schooling. Instead, some cruel force decided it would be funny to knock me down on my ass again.
While pity partying earlier, I thought of my friend that died in the car accident, and I still wonder why the one and only friend I had had to be taken from me. What did I do wrong?
And while I am actually surprisingly excited about becoming an aunt (although it should be interesting the first time someone hands me my niece or nephew; I have no idea how to handle babies), there is also a small part of me that dreads it. That I will be a lousy aunt. That it's just another person in my life that I will be nothing but a big disappointment to.
I am also so disgusted with my digestive system right now. I knew going on vacation was a big mistake, because now it is apparently on strike. I am so bloated and I just want to scream. My back is starting to hurt because it's so bad. And I am 4 pounds heavier and I don't know if it is just from this problem, or if I gained any weight. Monday and Tuesday the scale was around 125, Wednesday it was back down to 122, and Thursday it was right back up to 125. Any other time I go through this, the scale is up just because I am so bad off. Once the problem resolves itself, the scale goes right back down. But who knows when that is going to happen.
Also, speaking of weight, I happened to look up my measurements on a sizing chart and was surprised to find that my measurements do actually correlate with a size 8. What I still don't understand is how I have such large measurements for my weight. Especially when all I ever hear is women in weight loss commercials saying "oh I weigh 150 pounds and now wear a size 6!".
Sizing can be such a pain in the ass, but no matter how much I may hate my size, I still make sure whatever I buy fits me with enough room, even if the size makes me want to go on a rampage. I'd much rather my clothes be a little too loose than too tight. Absolutely no muffin top for me. I bought a shirt earlier in the season at NY&Co and was surprised to find I get could into an XS. I was hesitant to buy it, even though I had plenty of room. I did end up buying it, but I still feel awkward when I wear it that I may look too big in it.
And last but not least, I noticed today that Andrew's Facebook fan page, assuming it is actually legitimate and controlled by him, is no longer in existence. Did he finally stab his Facebook?!! *sobs* ANDREW! Y U NO KEEP YOUR PAGE?!
Also....here is an extremely fappable picture of Andrew. He looks like Anakin Skywalker in Episode III. His acting was pretty horrendous, but damn did Hayden Christensen look hot in that movie.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Something I Don't Understand
I was watching some news program (ABC Worldnews, maybe?) the other night and they were discussing the wildfires in California (I think) and they interviewed one woman who evacuated her house, but left her pets behind. A lot of times when storms hit, like hurricanes, you hear about people who leave their pets behind. Maybe it is because I have less respect for my own life than most people, but leaving a pet behind is unfathomable to me. A pet family member is no different than a human family member to me. If I had to evacuate and was told I could not take my pet with me, I would tell the people to kiss my ass. No way, no how would I ever leave a pet behind. I will stay and die with it if I have to. Ohana, and all that.
Guess I have watched Lilo and Stitch one too many times. God I love that movie.
On another note, I just remembered back when I was on vacation in June, and my brother-in-law let me use his computer to check Facebook, and I decided to check a couple other pages and when I typed in a few letters in the address box, suggestions popped up. One of which was a porn site.
Guess I have watched Lilo and Stitch one too many times. God I love that movie.
On another note, I just remembered back when I was on vacation in June, and my brother-in-law let me use his computer to check Facebook, and I decided to check a couple other pages and when I typed in a few letters in the address box, suggestions popped up. One of which was a porn site.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Video Of The Day
Be still, my shriveled black heart. Someone stop me before I break the replay button, and flush my contacts straight out of my eyes. I can't stop crying; the end comes, I hit replay, and the whole dam breaks open again. WHY AM I TORTURING MYSELF LIKE THIS?:
This was the performance I talked about in here.
This was the performance I talked about in here.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The Headline Of The Day
I'm truly a sight to behold right now- sobbing, and laughing hysterically at this article:
Dreams Do Come True: Prince Hot Ginge Gets Naked In Vegas, My Head Explodes In New York
Dreams Do Come True: Prince Hot Ginge Gets Naked In Vegas, My Head Explodes In New York
Random Thoughts
The Camden aquarium- my bad, Adventure Aquarium- has been running this fest called Sharkfest all summer and I really want to go to it. I think it ends this weekend, so I better get my ass there soon. There is supposed to be a giant walk through shark. I love sharks, have I ever mentioned that? And I love the shark petting pool there. I'm like a kid on Christmas morning when I get to the petting pool. I want to push everyone out of my way and jump into the pool with the baby sharks. They're just so fucking cute! I don't care that they would probably rip me apart, although most of them are 2 feet at the most. How much damage could they do? Do baby sharks even have teeth? Or would they just gum at me? You would think someone who is as big as shark lover as I am that I would know this! And I guess they could tear me apart with no problem. After all, piranhas aren't that big and look at what they can do.
I just received a weekly email from the state with job suggestions and I always laugh at them. Philly? Villanova? Conshohocken? Essington? I don't even know where in the hell Essington is! For someone Pennsy bred, I know shit about the state. I didn't even know where Bethlehem was until I decided I wanted to go to Musikfest this year. In fact, I didn't even know where Musikfest was held. For some reason, I always thought it was in Philly. But nevermind that. This is a NJ job site. Why in the hell are they sending me suggestions for jobs in Pennsy?
And for people who want your ass back in work, they sure make it difficult to get any type of training. I attempted to try to get some training so I can finally get some kind of damn job so I can finally get the help I need so I can finally get the rest of my goddamn life back together, and the requirements to get funding for training are nearly impossible to fullfill.
I swear to God, I feel like I am never going to get my life back together. I am so disgusted. And what doesn't help is I am convinced no one else gives a shit about me, so in turn I care even less about my own life, which in turn makes me less inclined to get help. Not a good combination.
Last night my mother got pissed at me and stormed off to bed. The first thing that popped in my head was I wish I had a gun so I could go into my bedroom and blow my fucking brains out. And then I started to cry because I was so disturbed by that thought.
And once upon a time I was finally starting to feel happy with my body. It's pretty bad for someone to lose 60 pounds and still be extremely unhappy with their body. It's not even that I think I am fat. No, I finally have seemed to stop thinking that, but I am still not happy with what I see in the mirror. For God's sake, I am 121 pounds (although thanks to my digestive system going on strike, the scale has been about 125 pounds). My BMI is at a healthy number. Why can't I just be happy with that? But then I think about my jean size and I get disgusted. Why in the hell do I still have to wear a size 8? And earlier I pulled out my paperwork from when I had my bridesmaid dress altered and when I saw my measurements, I wanted to scream. My measurements were 35-28-39. How in the hell does someone who weighs 121 pounds (and I was even less at the time!) still have such large measurements? I know I am short, but I am not that short!
I get very fearful that one day this is all going to turn into a full-blown eating disorder. And that is the absolute LAST thing I need to develop. Aren't the sixty other mental disorders I have enough? Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason I hesitate to go a therapist or psychiatrist for fear of what other disorders they may diagnose me with. I am almost positive they could find something else to slap me with in addition to depression/bipolar 2, anxiety, social anxiety, and OCD. Probably a couple personality disorders. ADD. Body dysmorphic disorder.
I just received a weekly email from the state with job suggestions and I always laugh at them. Philly? Villanova? Conshohocken? Essington? I don't even know where in the hell Essington is! For someone Pennsy bred, I know shit about the state. I didn't even know where Bethlehem was until I decided I wanted to go to Musikfest this year. In fact, I didn't even know where Musikfest was held. For some reason, I always thought it was in Philly. But nevermind that. This is a NJ job site. Why in the hell are they sending me suggestions for jobs in Pennsy?
And for people who want your ass back in work, they sure make it difficult to get any type of training. I attempted to try to get some training so I can finally get some kind of damn job so I can finally get the help I need so I can finally get the rest of my goddamn life back together, and the requirements to get funding for training are nearly impossible to fullfill.
I swear to God, I feel like I am never going to get my life back together. I am so disgusted. And what doesn't help is I am convinced no one else gives a shit about me, so in turn I care even less about my own life, which in turn makes me less inclined to get help. Not a good combination.
Last night my mother got pissed at me and stormed off to bed. The first thing that popped in my head was I wish I had a gun so I could go into my bedroom and blow my fucking brains out. And then I started to cry because I was so disturbed by that thought.
And once upon a time I was finally starting to feel happy with my body. It's pretty bad for someone to lose 60 pounds and still be extremely unhappy with their body. It's not even that I think I am fat. No, I finally have seemed to stop thinking that, but I am still not happy with what I see in the mirror. For God's sake, I am 121 pounds (although thanks to my digestive system going on strike, the scale has been about 125 pounds). My BMI is at a healthy number. Why can't I just be happy with that? But then I think about my jean size and I get disgusted. Why in the hell do I still have to wear a size 8? And earlier I pulled out my paperwork from when I had my bridesmaid dress altered and when I saw my measurements, I wanted to scream. My measurements were 35-28-39. How in the hell does someone who weighs 121 pounds (and I was even less at the time!) still have such large measurements? I know I am short, but I am not that short!
I get very fearful that one day this is all going to turn into a full-blown eating disorder. And that is the absolute LAST thing I need to develop. Aren't the sixty other mental disorders I have enough? Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason I hesitate to go a therapist or psychiatrist for fear of what other disorders they may diagnose me with. I am almost positive they could find something else to slap me with in addition to depression/bipolar 2, anxiety, social anxiety, and OCD. Probably a couple personality disorders. ADD. Body dysmorphic disorder.
Monday, August 20, 2012
The Headline Of The Day
Treatment may help some with depression
If someone would perform this on me, and I can be guaranteed it would work, I would willingly put out the $6,000 to $11,000 to have it done.
I don't know what it is going to take to finally hit rock bottom and say enough is enough something has to give. I can't even imagine feeling worse than I already do.
If someone would perform this on me, and I can be guaranteed it would work, I would willingly put out the $6,000 to $11,000 to have it done.
I don't know what it is going to take to finally hit rock bottom and say enough is enough something has to give. I can't even imagine feeling worse than I already do.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Moronic Quote Of The Day
Todd Akin On Abortion: 'Legitimate Rape' Victims Have 'Ways To Try To Shut That Whole Thing Down' (VIDEO)
What's your point, old man?
Also, as far as I am concerned, you are a man, and men don't have uteri, and I think we just shouldn't have only men making decisions for women in this country.
What's your point, old man?
Also, as far as I am concerned, you are a man, and men don't have uteri, and I think we just shouldn't have only men making decisions for women in this country.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Quote Of The Day
From D-Listed user Boredasfuckyo, in response to a bottom feeder:
Do you know what can make someone feel even more shameful? Not really knowing what your inner struggles are. I can sit here and write a list the length of my arm of all of my flaws, but when it comes down to it, I don't know why I am such a miserable insufferable cunt. All I know is I have mental illness, that something went awry with my brain. But I don't understand why, except genetics, and something simply going awry in my brain is not acceptable. I feel like I should have another reason to be as miserable as I do, that no human being is this miserable simply due to brain chemical malfunction. I don't feel like someone should be this miserable unless something traumatic happened to them. And as far as I know, nothing traumatic ever happened to me.
Oneliner, I dislike people with misguided mentalities such as yours. You have the "Atleast you're not XYZ worse off situation." mentality that makes people ashamed to get help in the first place out of guilt. Seriously. fuck you. All snark aside from the bashing we do on the shit celebrities bitch about... in life, all the problems we have, someone WILL always have it better off or worse off than us, HOWEVER that does not mean, that that makes our own inner struggles invalid or any less painful, nor does it mean they should be dismissed because some poor unfortunate soul went through XYZ. NOR does it give anyone the right to trivilize them. Thats not how problems work. Thats not how human emotion work. And I am not about to sit here and justify my gratefulness for the physical things I have because people are struggling and starving in Africa. Physical needs and being in a state of emotional dispair are TWO different things and I fucking refuse to have some fucking asshole such as yourself try to make me feel guilty for my own personal darkness. So with all due respect. Fuck yourself.Perfectly said. Some people get it.
Do you know what can make someone feel even more shameful? Not really knowing what your inner struggles are. I can sit here and write a list the length of my arm of all of my flaws, but when it comes down to it, I don't know why I am such a miserable insufferable cunt. All I know is I have mental illness, that something went awry with my brain. But I don't understand why, except genetics, and something simply going awry in my brain is not acceptable. I feel like I should have another reason to be as miserable as I do, that no human being is this miserable simply due to brain chemical malfunction. I don't feel like someone should be this miserable unless something traumatic happened to them. And as far as I know, nothing traumatic ever happened to me.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
The Bitches Please Of The Day
From the newsfeed:
Now I know I am a bit of an uptight bitch. Okay, maybe "a bit" is an understatement. I'm a huge uptight anal retentive bitch, alright? Was my former boss crazy? I'm not answering on the grounds I may incriminate myself (extremely). Can dress codes get silly? Yes. But they are there for a reason. No point in arguing with them, unless they draw the line (e.g, suddenly forcing burkas on women). And I would think people who constantly preach "it is what it is" would think that in terms of dress code. Just suck it up and STFU. Be grateful you still have a fucking job. And anyway, sweatshirts and open toe shoes in a medical office are not acceptable. And open toe shoes can be an injury risk. But I guess that is just a little too much for some brains to comprehend.
This further insults my ego that these people still have their jobs and I don't.
Now I know I am a bit of an uptight bitch. Okay, maybe "a bit" is an understatement. I'm a huge uptight anal retentive bitch, alright? Was my former boss crazy? I'm not answering on the grounds I may incriminate myself (extremely). Can dress codes get silly? Yes. But they are there for a reason. No point in arguing with them, unless they draw the line (e.g, suddenly forcing burkas on women). And I would think people who constantly preach "it is what it is" would think that in terms of dress code. Just suck it up and STFU. Be grateful you still have a fucking job. And anyway, sweatshirts and open toe shoes in a medical office are not acceptable. And open toe shoes can be an injury risk. But I guess that is just a little too much for some brains to comprehend.
This further insults my ego that these people still have their jobs and I don't.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
An Angry Letter To A Mosquito
Dear Stupid Blood Sucker:
Could you have picked a worst spot to bite me? Right on the sole of the foot? Who in the hell gets bit there, besides an idiot like me? UGH.
Sincerely,
S-Cubed
Could you have picked a worst spot to bite me? Right on the sole of the foot? Who in the hell gets bit there, besides an idiot like me? UGH.
Sincerely,
S-Cubed
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Video Of The Day
"Euphoria (Firefly)" by Delerium:
There has been something I have been [ridiculously] avoiding since January and I finally forced myself to look at it. I feel like simulataneously crying because I am proud of myself for looking it in the face, and also because it saddens me. I still dread the day it could possibly go further, though. I have been through this before and I know the hurt will end, and that one day it will not matter, but it still isn't much consolation. Especially with as down on myself as I have been feeling.
Fucking OCD. I'm not a homicidal person, but man, if OCD was a real thing, I would murder it.
There has been something I have been [ridiculously] avoiding since January and I finally forced myself to look at it. I feel like simulataneously crying because I am proud of myself for looking it in the face, and also because it saddens me. I still dread the day it could possibly go further, though. I have been through this before and I know the hurt will end, and that one day it will not matter, but it still isn't much consolation. Especially with as down on myself as I have been feeling.
Fucking OCD. I'm not a homicidal person, but man, if OCD was a real thing, I would murder it.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Random Thoughts
I went to the market the other day and while I was sitting in my car getting ready to leave, I looked across the parking lot and these was this incredibly old lady with an even more ancient lady in a wheelchair. The first thing that popped into my head was that episode of Spongebob Squarepants when Bob and Patrick are selling chocolate bars and they meet those two old ladies.
Man, I still cannot get off of this adrenaline high from Sunday. My mind is still reeling from how much I enjoyed it, because I really and truly cannot remember the last time I enjoyed something as much as I did that day. And now that I got a taste of MGMT live, I really want to go to that show at the NYU Skirball Center. I feel like Stan in that episode of American Dad when he goes to a My Morning Jacket concert and becomes completely obsessed with following them. But I think this show sounds really cool. I came to the conclusion on vacation that MGMT should really consider doing a laser light show, but this kind of light show would probably be just as awesome.
I know that feeling, bro.
I drug my mom out with me on Tuesday and she actually spent a good amount of time talking about the concert in the car. I was even more surprised. And she said she thinks some of their songs are pretty and that "Siberian Breaks" is "kinda pretty". I was speechless.
There is an article over on ONTD about the upcoming show and the picture of Andrew, he reminds me of Robert Pattinson. It's driving me nuts how much he resembles him. I've seen other pictures where I thought they resembled each other. A few he reminded me of John Krasinki. I still never see the Jake Gyllenhaal resemblence, though.
I am supposed to be going down the shore for a few days next week and I want to go, but at the same time I don't want to. I am feeling really alone, but I am also just not in the mood to be around people. And I am worried about gaining weight. It's ridiculous. After I lost my job, my weight kind of went on the backburner. I suppose the Addison's fear had something to do with that. I wouldn't say it is completely gone, but my obsession over having Addison's has decreased significantly. I still will check my skin every so often, and I still get worried when I feel lightheaded upon standing, but it is nothing like it was before. I have to go through hell during, but these disease obsessions eventually run their course. But with it decreased, my weight is taking its place.
I know I have emotional issues, but the way I have been feeling for the past year or so is ridiculous. I have always had a temper, but I never used to punch walls when I was angry. And I am so fucking irritable and I don't even know why. Sometimes something causes it, other times it just comes out of nowhere. I'll be fine and then I'll start feeling agitated and then I get really nasty.
I am going to be an aunt. That is the news I was referring to in this post. And my sister has been one nasty bitch. And her irritableness has been exacerbating my irritableness, so I have been exceptionally irritable towards her, which she probably thinks with the way I feel about kids that it has something to do with her being pregnant. It doesn't. She's just being a massive bitch, and since I have also been super irritable lately, I am not in the mood for her bullshit.
And maybe I am being paranoid, but I swear she has been avoiding me due to my being extra cunty lately. Which people avoiding me is only making me even more irritable (is there anything not doing so nowadays?). But I guess it's a good thing she is avoiding me, because god knows what I might say to her. Like how I am getting a little sick and tired of her husband's snide comments when company is over and really sick and tired of the looks he gives my mother.
I almost want to say I wish someone would just understand why I feel so miserable, but it's not going to happen. If I could could put someone in my shoes for a day, I think they may just be a little more understanding. Of course, everyone excuses her moodiness. My moodiness is always unacceptable. Wishing you were dead everyday is not an acceptable excuse for being moody, since according to society it can always be fixed with a fucking pill.
But despite wanting to be dead, a small part of me still wants to stick around. Because there is still so much I would like to do. I have a huge list of places I would love to visit. I'd like to have a career I am proud of. Plenty of people I would like to meet. And most of all I would like someone to do all of this with. Someone who will be more than happy to remain childfree and who will want to do this stuff. I come across so many things I would love to do, but have no one to do with them. I heard a commercial earlier for the Pennsylvania Dutch Festival and I thought, you know what, that actually sounds like fun. And I wouldn't mind having someone to go festing with next year at Musikfest. And I couldn't imagine not ever hearing music again, because who knows what happens to you when you die, and whether you can still listen to music.
Maybe I need to do like in I Love You Man and put an ad out for a friend.
Man, I still cannot get off of this adrenaline high from Sunday. My mind is still reeling from how much I enjoyed it, because I really and truly cannot remember the last time I enjoyed something as much as I did that day. And now that I got a taste of MGMT live, I really want to go to that show at the NYU Skirball Center. I feel like Stan in that episode of American Dad when he goes to a My Morning Jacket concert and becomes completely obsessed with following them. But I think this show sounds really cool. I came to the conclusion on vacation that MGMT should really consider doing a laser light show, but this kind of light show would probably be just as awesome.
I know that feeling, bro.
I drug my mom out with me on Tuesday and she actually spent a good amount of time talking about the concert in the car. I was even more surprised. And she said she thinks some of their songs are pretty and that "Siberian Breaks" is "kinda pretty". I was speechless.
There is an article over on ONTD about the upcoming show and the picture of Andrew, he reminds me of Robert Pattinson. It's driving me nuts how much he resembles him. I've seen other pictures where I thought they resembled each other. A few he reminded me of John Krasinki. I still never see the Jake Gyllenhaal resemblence, though.
I am supposed to be going down the shore for a few days next week and I want to go, but at the same time I don't want to. I am feeling really alone, but I am also just not in the mood to be around people. And I am worried about gaining weight. It's ridiculous. After I lost my job, my weight kind of went on the backburner. I suppose the Addison's fear had something to do with that. I wouldn't say it is completely gone, but my obsession over having Addison's has decreased significantly. I still will check my skin every so often, and I still get worried when I feel lightheaded upon standing, but it is nothing like it was before. I have to go through hell during, but these disease obsessions eventually run their course. But with it decreased, my weight is taking its place.
I know I have emotional issues, but the way I have been feeling for the past year or so is ridiculous. I have always had a temper, but I never used to punch walls when I was angry. And I am so fucking irritable and I don't even know why. Sometimes something causes it, other times it just comes out of nowhere. I'll be fine and then I'll start feeling agitated and then I get really nasty.
I am going to be an aunt. That is the news I was referring to in this post. And my sister has been one nasty bitch. And her irritableness has been exacerbating my irritableness, so I have been exceptionally irritable towards her, which she probably thinks with the way I feel about kids that it has something to do with her being pregnant. It doesn't. She's just being a massive bitch, and since I have also been super irritable lately, I am not in the mood for her bullshit.
And maybe I am being paranoid, but I swear she has been avoiding me due to my being extra cunty lately. Which people avoiding me is only making me even more irritable (is there anything not doing so nowadays?). But I guess it's a good thing she is avoiding me, because god knows what I might say to her. Like how I am getting a little sick and tired of her husband's snide comments when company is over and really sick and tired of the looks he gives my mother.
I almost want to say I wish someone would just understand why I feel so miserable, but it's not going to happen. If I could could put someone in my shoes for a day, I think they may just be a little more understanding. Of course, everyone excuses her moodiness. My moodiness is always unacceptable. Wishing you were dead everyday is not an acceptable excuse for being moody, since according to society it can always be fixed with a fucking pill.
But despite wanting to be dead, a small part of me still wants to stick around. Because there is still so much I would like to do. I have a huge list of places I would love to visit. I'd like to have a career I am proud of. Plenty of people I would like to meet. And most of all I would like someone to do all of this with. Someone who will be more than happy to remain childfree and who will want to do this stuff. I come across so many things I would love to do, but have no one to do with them. I heard a commercial earlier for the Pennsylvania Dutch Festival and I thought, you know what, that actually sounds like fun. And I wouldn't mind having someone to go festing with next year at Musikfest. And I couldn't imagine not ever hearing music again, because who knows what happens to you when you die, and whether you can still listen to music.
Maybe I need to do like in I Love You Man and put an ad out for a friend.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Second Quote Of The Day
From "Tales Of A Third Grade Nothing":
Angela: Griffin, I need you to run these shipping reports upstairs to the CEO. (then leaves)
Peter: Huh. There's nothing fun or entertaining about that. Maybe if I walk down the hall with a wisecracking rabbi.
(cuts to Peter and a wisecracking rabbi walking down the hall)
Peter: Do you charge a lot for your circumcisions?
Wisecracking Rabbi: No, I just keep the tips.
Quote Of The Day
From "The Day The Earth Stood Stupid"
Fiona: The brains are weakening. [She presses an intercom button.] Nibblonians to Nibble stations. Prepare cuddle bug for deployment in 40 nibblets.
[Nibbler sighs.]
Nibbler: Sometimes I fear we are cute.
Fiona: Oh, niggle-snoosh!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Picture(s) Of The Day
Lovin’ on diet coke (38 photos)
If I didn't like you before, I do now.
BOW TO YOUR GOD!!
see more Derp
I can totally understand that feeling. I get pretty mesmorized by diet Coke, although if someone were hurling a bottle of it at me, like what appears to be going on in this picture, I'd be administering a major ass beating for wasting a perfectly good bottle of diet Coke.
On another note, if one more person clogs up my Facebook newsfeed with those stupid "Hit like if you remember whatever" or "Share this picture so the person can get a transfusion, I am going to put my foot up someone's ass. Preferably those who keep doing so.
If I didn't like you before, I do now.
BOW TO YOUR GOD!!
see more Derp
I can totally understand that feeling. I get pretty mesmorized by diet Coke, although if someone were hurling a bottle of it at me, like what appears to be going on in this picture, I'd be administering a major ass beating for wasting a perfectly good bottle of diet Coke.
On another note, if one more person clogs up my Facebook newsfeed with those stupid "Hit like if you remember whatever" or "Share this picture so the person can get a transfusion, I am going to put my foot up someone's ass. Preferably those who keep doing so.
The WTF Of The Day
More Kids Taking Antipsychotics for ADHD: Study
Antipsychotics for ADHD? Oh brother.
Why all of a sudden are there so many things antipsychotics are being prescribed for? It's kind of scary. Those drugs are scary. I can only imagine what they did to my brain when I was on them. Certainly a developing mind should not be taking them.
This quote:
Antipsychotics for ADHD? Oh brother.
Why all of a sudden are there so many things antipsychotics are being prescribed for? It's kind of scary. Those drugs are scary. I can only imagine what they did to my brain when I was on them. Certainly a developing mind should not be taking them.
This quote:
Dr. Peter Breggin, a psychiatrist from Ithaca, N.Y., and an outspoken critic of widespread antipsychotic use in children, said these drugs damage developing brains.Ah, so there are still some psychiatrists with half a brain.
"We have a national catastrophe," said Breggin. "This is a situation where we have ruined the brains of millions of children."
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Random Thoughts
Again with the emotional moodiness. Actually, I don't believe it ever went away. I don't know what the deal was with my last period, but I was miserable as shit before, during, and long after. And I was just starting to feel semi better and now it's repeating all over again. They were discussing on the news earlier refrigerators to use in dorm rooms and I burst into tears. I never thought a time would come where I would regret not ever going away to college.
When I was in my senior year, I never had any desire to go away to school. I don't know exactly why, but I think it was mixture of a fear of taking risks, of being away from my family, and meningococcemia (yes, seriously). And I was never envious of my classmates that were going away, because I knew in a short amount of time I would be seeing them at the community college after they were kicked out of their chosen university for drinking too much or raping someone. What? I'm not making a joke. I went to school with some major assholes and I wouldn't put it past any of them to take advantage of someone. It only took a decade, but the regret of not going away has finally surfaced. I think it may have been better for me to get out on my own.
I get so tired of people telling me there is no point in having regrets. Yes, I understand you cannot change the past and all that. But all of my regrets are stuck in the mudswamp known as the completely illogical part of my brain that is just too stubborn to argue with, so as hard as I try to convince myself not to even bother regretting, it is almost impossible.
I think people who claim they have absolutely no regrets are full of shit. I don't expect people to have mountains of regrets like me, but I am sure everyone has at least one.
Anyway, on to something I have been holding out talking about- Sunday night! We got to Bethelehem around 5:00PM and the whole ride up, the sky was partly cloudy, so I had some hope it would be nice. Of course, when we get up there, it's cloudy and ominous looking. When I went to go pick up my tickets, there was a computer behind the desk and the Weather Channel was up and I saw the redbox with "Severe Thunderstorm Warning". We grabbed dinner and just as we sat down, raindrops started, so we went in to the Artsquest center and not long after, all hell broke loose. And it did not stop raining until well after 7:30PM.
The opening act, Atlas Sound, was bizarre. I expected a band and here it was just some guy who weighed about 6 pounds. His first song sounded pretty cool, but I was out at the merchandise stands, where it was noisy, so whether it was actually any good is beyond me. And he just kept talking and talking in between songs and I still have no idea what he was talking about. At one point he was asking the audience if we wanted to shoot him or something. It was kind of disturbing. I always feel bad for opening acts, because how many actually want to listen to them, but at one point he was even starting to grate on my nerves and I was ready to scream "SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND GET MGMT ON STAGE ALREADY!".
MGMT didn't even come on until about 9:20PM. Atlas Sound started well after 7:30PM, played until about 8:40PM, and then it took forever for the crew to get everything tuned. Which I can certainly understand from my marching band days how humidity can affect instruments. But aside from the late start, OMFG the show was incredible. I enjoyed their performance very much. I was actually able to see a lot more from the bleachers than I expected. And Andrew is nuts. I almost died of shock when he let out a long string of F bombs. Aside from "Time To Pretend" and reading interviews, hearing him actually say the word just stunned me. There is just something disturbing about hearing him say the word.
Andrew had long sleeves on. I don't know how he wasn't dying from the heat. Not to mention stages get really freaking hot. He also had a major fro going on. Probably from the heat. My hair was stick straight and by the time I got up there, it started to puff up. Then it rained and POOF.
Their line up of songs was good. They played, not in order except for the first 2 and the last:
1. Pieces Of What
2. Of Moons, Birds, And Monsters
3. It's Working
4. Time To Pretend
5. Electric Feel
6. Only A Shadow (cover)
7. I Found A Whistle
8. Weekend Wars
9. Alien Days
10. Angie (cover)
11. Brian Eno
12. Siberian Breaks
13. The Youth
14. Flash Delirium
15. Congratulations
I was beyond estatic when I heard the opening of "Siberian Breaks" and it was incredible, although I will admit I was expecting my favorite part, 4:55 to 5:55, to be a little more astonishing. It didn't quite do for me like when I listen to the record version. I did fill up at "I Found A Whistle" (luckily it was already dark), although I am almost positive Andrew messed up the lyrics. I have that song memorized, dammit! Both of the cover songs I enjoyed very much. I was honestly surprised to hear "Weekend Wars". I really didn't expect to hear it. I was also surprised to hear "Flash Delirium", and hearing it live renewed my interest in it, because I started to grow meh on it.
I did really want to hear "The Handshake", but I did get to hear 2 of the 3 songs I really wanted to hear, so I am not bitching. I wouldn't have minded hearing "Kids", either, since while not one of my absolutely favorites, it was what started everything. I would have also liked to have heard "Someone's Missing" and "Destrokk". Do they ever even play the latter live?
There are only 3 things I was disappointed with. One, the weather, obviously. And seeing how gorgeous of a day and night Monday was really pissed me off. Curse you, Huey Lewis and the News for having such a nice night! I really would have liked to have gotten to see more of the actual festival. I really wish I get could get back up there before the end of the week to see the North Side.
Two, I didn't get any pictures. The tickets say no cameras allowed so I didn't bother taking mine in and all night, I saw cameras flashing. I was so livid. And because my brain can't miss an opportunity to degrade me, I have been beating myself up all day over it, that why was I so stupid to not just take it in. My brain is also holding me responsible for the weather, that apparently I am just not meant to ever have a completely good time without one smidgen of disappointment.
Three, I was already out on the streets when they performed "Congratulations". I heard it, and could see some of the screen, but I am livid that I was not actually in the stands.
There was a lot of pot smoking going on. I was almost certain my mom and I (yes, my mother was my guest; sad, isn't it? But despite calling their music depressing, she apparently likes "Time To Pretend" and "It's Working", because when they started to play the latter, she turns to me and says "I like this song". Color me shocked.) were going to have a contact high from all of the smoke blowing our way. Hell, I wouldn't have minded smoking with the people. But my luck one of the many cops there would have arrested me and only me and hauled me off to jail.
But overall, it was great. And naturally I am feeling the post-excitement blues. I can't stand how I have to go through this every time I really look forward to something and it is over. I mean, I have spent weeks tearing my hair out trying to make this happen, and then I was able to find a way there, and have been overly excited but worried about the weather, and then the day finally came, and now it's over. And it's like it never happened. I couldn't even sleep when I got into bed last night, because I was still so hyped from it. Still am, actually.
ETA 1:56PM: Here are a couple articles on it:
MGMT's newer songs outshine its earlier hits in Musikfest concert
MGMT creates their own 'Electric Feel,' warding off lightning at Musikfest - REVIEW
That first article...this part:
Also, here is a picture of their set list, with the proper order of songs:
They most certainly did not play "The Handshake". LIARS.
You know what I have to laugh about? In the comments section of that picture, there were tons of people bitching about them not playing "Kids", and pretty much an equal number of people bitching that "Kids" isn't their only song, and how much they hate it, and blah blah blah. Just an all out whine fest. Yes, I agree that "Kids" is not their only song and they do have better songs out there, but I still think the backlash is stupid. If someone wants to waste their money to only hear one song being played, that is their prerogative. And their loss of better songs. Only one person in the entire comments section made any sense. He basically said that yes, we get that there are more songs, but saying you dislike a more mainstream song doesn't make you any more of a fan.
Besides, how many of these people bitching about how much they hate "Kids" were introduced to MGMT by that song? Probably more then care to admit. I was one of those people. I certainly like other songs much more, but I still think "Kids" is an amazing song. I would never have known who they were if it were not for that song, although if any song sparked my interest in them, it would have been the morning of July 1, 2011 right before I was leaving for work when I first heard "It's Working" on Music Choice (don't ask why I remember that down to the exact detail).
Ha, so much butthurt. Telling people you hate them and hope they die and saying you are going to throw acid at them because they wanted to hear "Kids"? They don't deserve to listen to MGMT? Wow, I know I can overreact to things, but....geeze Louise, overreact much? I'm sure MGMT would be real happy to know their so called fans are acting this way to each other. If I were a musician, I would be very pissed to see my fans treating each other that way.
And how fitting- the worst of the whining butthurts are probably late tween, early teen girls. So typical of that age group. Probably the same girls going around wishing death on any girl seen with one of the One Direction imps or wishing death on Selena Gomez for dating that ugly little cocky bastard she dates. Or calling these girls ugly. Do I think negative thoughts of a crush's significant other? Sure. Not death threats or anything, but I am guilty of envying them. And despite my envying....honestly, half of these women I'd probably go pretty far with myself.
I fucking despise tween girls. They are the worst group of people on earth.They are a huge reminder of why I never want kids. I feel like sending all of them this. And I wonder how many of these dumb bitches only love Andrew and could care less about the rest of the band. Yes, I admit that I do absolutely adore him more than the others, but I still have mad respect for the rest of them and think that they deserve just as much credit as Andrew.
Besides.....maybe, just maybe, some people still like "Kids" in addition to their other songs.
When I was in my senior year, I never had any desire to go away to school. I don't know exactly why, but I think it was mixture of a fear of taking risks, of being away from my family, and meningococcemia (yes, seriously). And I was never envious of my classmates that were going away, because I knew in a short amount of time I would be seeing them at the community college after they were kicked out of their chosen university for drinking too much or raping someone. What? I'm not making a joke. I went to school with some major assholes and I wouldn't put it past any of them to take advantage of someone. It only took a decade, but the regret of not going away has finally surfaced. I think it may have been better for me to get out on my own.
I get so tired of people telling me there is no point in having regrets. Yes, I understand you cannot change the past and all that. But all of my regrets are stuck in the mudswamp known as the completely illogical part of my brain that is just too stubborn to argue with, so as hard as I try to convince myself not to even bother regretting, it is almost impossible.
I think people who claim they have absolutely no regrets are full of shit. I don't expect people to have mountains of regrets like me, but I am sure everyone has at least one.
Anyway, on to something I have been holding out talking about- Sunday night! We got to Bethelehem around 5:00PM and the whole ride up, the sky was partly cloudy, so I had some hope it would be nice. Of course, when we get up there, it's cloudy and ominous looking. When I went to go pick up my tickets, there was a computer behind the desk and the Weather Channel was up and I saw the redbox with "Severe Thunderstorm Warning". We grabbed dinner and just as we sat down, raindrops started, so we went in to the Artsquest center and not long after, all hell broke loose. And it did not stop raining until well after 7:30PM.
The opening act, Atlas Sound, was bizarre. I expected a band and here it was just some guy who weighed about 6 pounds. His first song sounded pretty cool, but I was out at the merchandise stands, where it was noisy, so whether it was actually any good is beyond me. And he just kept talking and talking in between songs and I still have no idea what he was talking about. At one point he was asking the audience if we wanted to shoot him or something. It was kind of disturbing. I always feel bad for opening acts, because how many actually want to listen to them, but at one point he was even starting to grate on my nerves and I was ready to scream "SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND GET MGMT ON STAGE ALREADY!".
MGMT didn't even come on until about 9:20PM. Atlas Sound started well after 7:30PM, played until about 8:40PM, and then it took forever for the crew to get everything tuned. Which I can certainly understand from my marching band days how humidity can affect instruments. But aside from the late start, OMFG the show was incredible. I enjoyed their performance very much. I was actually able to see a lot more from the bleachers than I expected. And Andrew is nuts. I almost died of shock when he let out a long string of F bombs. Aside from "Time To Pretend" and reading interviews, hearing him actually say the word just stunned me. There is just something disturbing about hearing him say the word.
Andrew had long sleeves on. I don't know how he wasn't dying from the heat. Not to mention stages get really freaking hot. He also had a major fro going on. Probably from the heat. My hair was stick straight and by the time I got up there, it started to puff up. Then it rained and POOF.
Their line up of songs was good. They played, not in order except for the first 2 and the last:
1. Pieces Of What
2. Of Moons, Birds, And Monsters
3. It's Working
4. Time To Pretend
5. Electric Feel
6. Only A Shadow (cover)
7. I Found A Whistle
8. Weekend Wars
9. Alien Days
10. Angie (cover)
11. Brian Eno
12. Siberian Breaks
13. The Youth
14. Flash Delirium
15. Congratulations
I was beyond estatic when I heard the opening of "Siberian Breaks" and it was incredible, although I will admit I was expecting my favorite part, 4:55 to 5:55, to be a little more astonishing. It didn't quite do for me like when I listen to the record version. I did fill up at "I Found A Whistle" (luckily it was already dark), although I am almost positive Andrew messed up the lyrics. I have that song memorized, dammit! Both of the cover songs I enjoyed very much. I was honestly surprised to hear "Weekend Wars". I really didn't expect to hear it. I was also surprised to hear "Flash Delirium", and hearing it live renewed my interest in it, because I started to grow meh on it.
I did really want to hear "The Handshake", but I did get to hear 2 of the 3 songs I really wanted to hear, so I am not bitching. I wouldn't have minded hearing "Kids", either, since while not one of my absolutely favorites, it was what started everything. I would have also liked to have heard "Someone's Missing" and "Destrokk". Do they ever even play the latter live?
There are only 3 things I was disappointed with. One, the weather, obviously. And seeing how gorgeous of a day and night Monday was really pissed me off. Curse you, Huey Lewis and the News for having such a nice night! I really would have liked to have gotten to see more of the actual festival. I really wish I get could get back up there before the end of the week to see the North Side.
Two, I didn't get any pictures. The tickets say no cameras allowed so I didn't bother taking mine in and all night, I saw cameras flashing. I was so livid. And because my brain can't miss an opportunity to degrade me, I have been beating myself up all day over it, that why was I so stupid to not just take it in. My brain is also holding me responsible for the weather, that apparently I am just not meant to ever have a completely good time without one smidgen of disappointment.
Three, I was already out on the streets when they performed "Congratulations". I heard it, and could see some of the screen, but I am livid that I was not actually in the stands.
There was a lot of pot smoking going on. I was almost certain my mom and I (yes, my mother was my guest; sad, isn't it? But despite calling their music depressing, she apparently likes "Time To Pretend" and "It's Working", because when they started to play the latter, she turns to me and says "I like this song". Color me shocked.) were going to have a contact high from all of the smoke blowing our way. Hell, I wouldn't have minded smoking with the people. But my luck one of the many cops there would have arrested me and only me and hauled me off to jail.
But overall, it was great. And naturally I am feeling the post-excitement blues. I can't stand how I have to go through this every time I really look forward to something and it is over. I mean, I have spent weeks tearing my hair out trying to make this happen, and then I was able to find a way there, and have been overly excited but worried about the weather, and then the day finally came, and now it's over. And it's like it never happened. I couldn't even sleep when I got into bed last night, because I was still so hyped from it. Still am, actually.
ETA 1:56PM: Here are a couple articles on it:
MGMT's newer songs outshine its earlier hits in Musikfest concert
MGMT creates their own 'Electric Feel,' warding off lightning at Musikfest - REVIEW
That first article...this part:
And “I Found a Whistle,” with the music from keyboardist Ben Goldwasser and three other players floating behind the acoustic guitar strums of Andrew VanWyngarden.Not to be that person, but....those other three have names, you know. Sure, Ben and Andrew are essentially what is known as MGMT, but I think they have kind of moved past the point of being a duo. You see pictures of them nowadays, and all 5 of them get loving.
Also, here is a picture of their set list, with the proper order of songs:
They most certainly did not play "The Handshake". LIARS.
You know what I have to laugh about? In the comments section of that picture, there were tons of people bitching about them not playing "Kids", and pretty much an equal number of people bitching that "Kids" isn't their only song, and how much they hate it, and blah blah blah. Just an all out whine fest. Yes, I agree that "Kids" is not their only song and they do have better songs out there, but I still think the backlash is stupid. If someone wants to waste their money to only hear one song being played, that is their prerogative. And their loss of better songs. Only one person in the entire comments section made any sense. He basically said that yes, we get that there are more songs, but saying you dislike a more mainstream song doesn't make you any more of a fan.
Besides, how many of these people bitching about how much they hate "Kids" were introduced to MGMT by that song? Probably more then care to admit. I was one of those people. I certainly like other songs much more, but I still think "Kids" is an amazing song. I would never have known who they were if it were not for that song, although if any song sparked my interest in them, it would have been the morning of July 1, 2011 right before I was leaving for work when I first heard "It's Working" on Music Choice (don't ask why I remember that down to the exact detail).
Ha, so much butthurt. Telling people you hate them and hope they die and saying you are going to throw acid at them because they wanted to hear "Kids"? They don't deserve to listen to MGMT? Wow, I know I can overreact to things, but....geeze Louise, overreact much? I'm sure MGMT would be real happy to know their so called fans are acting this way to each other. If I were a musician, I would be very pissed to see my fans treating each other that way.
And how fitting- the worst of the whining butthurts are probably late tween, early teen girls. So typical of that age group. Probably the same girls going around wishing death on any girl seen with one of the One Direction imps or wishing death on Selena Gomez for dating that ugly little cocky bastard she dates. Or calling these girls ugly. Do I think negative thoughts of a crush's significant other? Sure. Not death threats or anything, but I am guilty of envying them. And despite my envying....honestly, half of these women I'd probably go pretty far with myself.
I fucking despise tween girls. They are the worst group of people on earth.They are a huge reminder of why I never want kids. I feel like sending all of them this. And I wonder how many of these dumb bitches only love Andrew and could care less about the rest of the band. Yes, I admit that I do absolutely adore him more than the others, but I still have mad respect for the rest of them and think that they deserve just as much credit as Andrew.
Besides.....maybe, just maybe, some people still like "Kids" in addition to their other songs.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Picture(s) Of The Day
Excuse me while I have a tween girl fan moment, but oh my God! Tomorrow I will be within a mile of the hippie hipster gods themselves! Provided the weather cooperates, of course. I've already got my nerves in an uproar over the potential bad weather. I'm so done with this summer and its bad weather. I was on some Lehigh Valley webpage that discusses Musikfest and I am surprised how many people have slammed Young the Giant and MGMT. What are you basing your criticisms on? Probably 2 songs? I liked "Kids" for quite a few years, and hell, I didn't even know who sang it till very late 2010, if not early 2011. And I'll admit, I kind of stereotyped them, even as much as I liked the song. I don't know what made me decide to do research on them one day, but that was the start of it all. Anyway, I am getting off topic. I mean, to each his own, but I think the criticisms of the bands are quite stupid. And a little unfair on MGMT's part. But hey, their loss.
And heaven forbid I should have the very unlikely (but still hoping) chance to meet Andrew. Oh god....DEAD.
Here is a gallery of photos from their concert at Osheaga last night:
MGMT | Osheaga 2012
Damn, Andrew, your hair is getting long again!
The 2nd, 3rd, 5th, and 6th pictures immediately made me think of this:
see more Funny Captions
He's so pretty. I seriously can't stand it.
And heaven forbid I should have the very unlikely (but still hoping) chance to meet Andrew. Oh god....DEAD.
Here is a gallery of photos from their concert at Osheaga last night:
MGMT | Osheaga 2012
Damn, Andrew, your hair is getting long again!
The 2nd, 3rd, 5th, and 6th pictures immediately made me think of this:
see more Funny Captions
He's so pretty. I seriously can't stand it.
Random Thoughts
In the grand tradition of stupid things irritating me, I hate those "Jersey Girls Don't Pump Gas" stickers. Uh, no one in Jersey pumps gas. And the women who have them on their cars are just so typical, which is basically anything that lives in Jersey and looks like this.
Ugh. That first one in the Love Pink shirt. I can't even.
And since something in the universe is on a never-ending quest to prevent me from going to this concert, I went on the ticket webpage earlier and all I keep getting is this message:
Also, why do all of the goddamn storms from the incoming cold front have to come on Sunday? I am getting myself so unnecessarily worked up over this. I feel like tearing my hair out. I have myself all worked up over the potential bad weather, whether all of these obstacles I keep running into are a sign I should not go, whether a bad storm will come in the midst of being up there, if all of these people being struck by lightening are another bad sign, and now this damn problem with the website. And all of this will probably keep me up all night. ARGH!
I have myself so fucking psyched for this concert it's unbelievable. I cannot recall the last time I actually felt this excited about something, so needless to say, all of this shit is really annoying me. I don't want the concert to have to end early, but if it has to, I really hope that I at least have heard "Siberian Breaks". I don't even care if it's the only song I get to hear. Of course I would love to also hear "The Handshake" and "I Found A Whistle" live, but "Siberian Breaks" is Song God. I have to hear that song live. I will stand in the rain if I have to to hear that song live. And that way, if it is so amazing live it brings me to tears no one will know! Tears? Nah! It's the rain!
Ugh. That first one in the Love Pink shirt. I can't even.
And since something in the universe is on a never-ending quest to prevent me from going to this concert, I went on the ticket webpage earlier and all I keep getting is this message:
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties with the ticketing site. Please try back in a few minutes. Message L303I even tried other ticket purchases and every ticket I click on gets this message. What the hell? I need to order these. And it worked fine all day!
Also, why do all of the goddamn storms from the incoming cold front have to come on Sunday? I am getting myself so unnecessarily worked up over this. I feel like tearing my hair out. I have myself all worked up over the potential bad weather, whether all of these obstacles I keep running into are a sign I should not go, whether a bad storm will come in the midst of being up there, if all of these people being struck by lightening are another bad sign, and now this damn problem with the website. And all of this will probably keep me up all night. ARGH!
I have myself so fucking psyched for this concert it's unbelievable. I cannot recall the last time I actually felt this excited about something, so needless to say, all of this shit is really annoying me. I don't want the concert to have to end early, but if it has to, I really hope that I at least have heard "Siberian Breaks". I don't even care if it's the only song I get to hear. Of course I would love to also hear "The Handshake" and "I Found A Whistle" live, but "Siberian Breaks" is Song God. I have to hear that song live. I will stand in the rain if I have to to hear that song live. And that way, if it is so amazing live it brings me to tears no one will know! Tears? Nah! It's the rain!
Friday, August 3, 2012
The Stupid Of The Day
I've resisted as long as I could....and can no longer do so:
Horrible! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Horrible! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Suck It Bad Weather!
WHICH IS IT???!!!
Then this:
Severe Storms to Hit the End of the of Week. TD by this Weekend?
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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