Random Thoughts

So I have finally been moved to work from home. Today was my first day. I was also forced to take two days off due to lack of work. A lack of work yet somehow we are still considered "essential". Sure. Essential to the executives who need another home or luxury vehicle.

Having GAD/OCD/health anxiety during this Covid-19 pandemic is like the 9th layer of hell. I'm about one foot in the grave, one foot on a banana peel away from a complete nervous breakdown. I can't stand thinking of how much contamination there is. I'm still taking my temperature multiple times; I've taken it 7 times today, which is a slight improvement compared to some days, but still...come on, what normal person does that?

Every slight ill feeling automatically equates to Covid-19. Every headache, every bit of nausea, every throat tickle, etc. And even though my stomach has felt better, I am still feeling that tight heavy feeling in my chest and feeling like I constantly have to take a deep breath, which makes me more anxious about Covid, the rise in anxiety makes the feelings worse, and it's a never-ending cycle that feeds into each other. Every time one of my parents coughs or anything, I start getting more anxious.

This whole Covid-19 situation is gear-grinding, but these asshats that are continuing to defy the lockdowns are really to piss me the hell off. What in the love of all that is holy is so goddamn difficult to understand about STAYING THE HOME?! YOU might not care if you get it, but this isn't about you! This is a HIGHLY contagious disease, this is about everyone else you can infect! This could be your parents, your grandparents, your siblings, healthcare workers, a cancer patient or other immunocompromised person, first responders, grocery store workers, restaurant workers, and anyone else you might come into contact with.

JFC JUST STAY THE FUCK HOME!

Song Of The Day

I only know this song and "Cautionary Tale", but dude's got some catchy stuff:

Good God

My anxiety/OCD levels over this Covid 19 shit is getting to the point that I myself am actually starting to get concerned over my own well-being. More than once I have contemplated harming myself. More than once I have asked myself, do I need to seriously consider admitting myself to the hospital? Then it occurs to me how much Covid could be lurking in a hospital and I start freaking out over the realization that there really is NO safe place whatsoever for me to go. 

I've had headaches all week, and today my throat and chest feel ticklish and like I need to cough but none ever comes. I've been such a mess all day over this. I don't know if it's anxiety or reflux or worst case scenario Covid, but my anxiety levels certainly aren't helping matters. Yesterday, I can't even begin to tell you how much times I took my temperature. I lost count. I'd say it was at least almost every hour. Today I had to fight the compulsion to do it, but it was still numerous times. My temperature has been fine, but of course there is that little niggling thought in the back of my head- is my thermometer working properly?

I don't think that the fact that cases in my state have literally EXPLODED in the past few days has helped matters by any means. Not to mention 3 cases have officially hit my town. The sole fact of me getting it doesn't terrify me nearly as much as the fact of me getting it and spreading it to a loved one. If I got it and spread it to a loved one, I would never be able to forgive myself.

OCD In The Time Of Covid-19

It's extremely difficult, but I'm doing everything in my power to keep it together.  It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this and plenty of people are with me in being scared, but for those of us with any type of mental illness, it's unbearable. A month ago, worrying that I had H. pylori and/or peptic ulcers....that pales in comparison to this. I honestly would take it over worrying about Covid-19.

Every time I feel a little less than stellar, I'm on high alert. My throat has been tickling me for the past few days and I'm panicking over it. Any body ache, nausea, fatigue etc is an invitation to meltdown time. I'm constantly taking my temperature. I was in work earlier and I felt crappy and all I kept thinking was I need to take my temperature. Except I had no thermometer. I had to do everything in my power to keep from having a complete and utter meltdown. Washing, sanitizing, Lysoling, Chlorox wiping....and it's just NEVER enough to give me somewhat of a peace of mind. Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I doing it right?

It's all so fucking exhausting. The only thing I have no complaint about this all is the whole social distancing thing. It's a blessing and a half when you're socially anxious weirdo.

*Screams Internally*

In all of the years of having OCD, I never imagined mine would go down the path of fear of germs and contamination. But here I am, on the brink of losing my mind completely. No matter how much hand washing, sanitizing, Lysoling, Chlorox wiping, etc, it's never enough. Everywhere I look, all I can wonder is how many germs are on that service, is Covid-19 on there, was it on something I touched, was someone I was in close contact with infected with it? I can't stand it. I'm about to lose my fucking mind.

Random Thoughts

So (knock on wood) my stomach has been feeling much better. No more burning hunger feeling, no early satiety, etc. And not that I am complaining, but....why? Why is it feeling better now? Is it the stronger Pepcid prescription? It's odd that it improved towards the end of my period....were my hormones that out of whack and my period stabilized them? Or was it just the doxy and whatever it did to my stomach has finally healed? And the sad thing is, I'll probably never know.

I'm still waiting for the pathology report, but from what I read of my procedure report, everything looked good. And what surprises me most of all, with my family history of them and my long history of reflux, there is no mention of a hiatal hernia in the report. I of all people would have expected to have one.

But in the grand tradition of things, my relief in anxiety is short-lived. Folks, I'm freaking out over this Covid-19. And today it was announced that two people in my county have presumptive cases of it, not helping matters by any means. And it's not even so much that I'm worried about myself having it. I'm worried about getting it and passing it on to my family. That's what scares the living hell out of me. Before all of this blew up, I was starting to have issues with leaving the house, and this is just exacerbating it. Any time I'm out, I'm on edge so bad. In work, I'm a mess. This is going to blow my anxiety levels into the fucking stratosphere.  

Random Thoughts

So I did it. I went through my first upper endoscopy, as well as my first experience with anesthesia. It was truly bizarre receiving anesthesia. You're awake one minute, then struggling to stay awake, next thing you know you're waking up in post-op. I'm relieved to say that ulcers have been ruled out. I still have to wait for my biopsy results, though, so not completely away from the edge yet.

And if my biopsy results come back negative, then what in the hell caused all of this? I've never felt anything like what I've been feeling in my stomach. Was it the doxy? Hell, I honestly wouldn't be the least bit surprised if my hormones were behind it, because I'm pretty sure I threw them out of whack during the holidays.

And as if this should come as a big surprise to anyone who knows my history of health-related obsessions....I'm fucking bugging over this coronavirus shit. I've said many times before that despite having OCD, I'm not particularly obsessed with germs, but I could see this instigating it. And now knowing it's in my state, I'm starting to get real freaked out.

Random Thoughts

So....my doctor's appointment the other day. The doctor was nice, but I felt kind of rushed and never really got to tell the entire story of when all of this started, so that left me a little frustrated. He put me on Pepcid 40 mg twice a day, and I'm scheduled for an upper this upcoming Wednesday. I'm anxious AF to have it done, but I'm also nervous AF about having it done because one, I've never been under anesthesia and two, I'm scared what may be found.