Random Thoughts

I don't get eating competitions. I hate to be that person, but FFS there are starving people in the world and we have to have competitions to see who can shove the most food down their gullets as fast as possible? Then again, with the way I restrict food, am I really any better? I have access to plenty of food and choose to restrict it for fear of getting fat. But it's not like I am starving myself. I eat no less than 1350 calories a day, which could essentially still be too little for me, but who in the hell knows? It's still not starvation. Anyway, I am a sick fuck, we all know that.

I was cleaning my tub earlier and "Creep" by Radiohead was on and since 104.5 is doing back to back this weekend, I thought, if they play "Karma Police" next, I will be ecstatic. Much to my delight, it was the next song they played. Now I have not been able to get enough of it today. I kind of stopped listening to it there for a while and forgot how good of a song it was.

I also realized that Tuesday was the 3 year anniversary of the first time I heard "It's Working", aka the song that ultimately brought on my MGMT obsession. It's corny, I know, but.....shut up.

And speaking of Tuesday, I haven't wanted to say anything and jinx myself, but you-know-what did finally appear on Tuesday. I was going to absolutely lose my mind if it didn't come soon. I don't even know what I would have done if it didn't come. I'd probably be in the hospital right now. I was never so relieved to see my period as I was the other day. I nearly broke down in tears in the bathroom. Sad, isn't it? And every time I start to want to complain about it, I have to mentally kick and remind myself that I need to shut my trap and be happy that it is here.

Yesterday and today I haven't felt too hot. I took my blood pressure at one point yesterday and it was 100/54, then a little later it was 126/72. My heart has felt fluttery. Also, I have been salting my food like crazy. And you would think that I would be going absolutely apeshit right now, but I don't know, I just can't muster enough energy to give a shit anymore whether I have Addison's disease or not (although that is the underlying reason why I am terrified to go through early menopause, go figure). I went through TWO years of absolute fucking mental HELL worrying that I had it and now it's like it never even bothered me.

And because I can never have less than several things to fret about in life (ridiculous or not), I brought up to my manager the other day about possibly taking 3 days off in August to go down the shore with my grandparents. Of course, wouldn't you know our most senior employee is on vacation that week? Because I guess the week of vacation 2 weeks prior isn't enough. So my manager says while she doesn't see a problem with it right now, she can't officially give me an answer until the end of the month when she gets back from vacation herself. I want to cry. I thought for sure it would have been okay. Oh sure it was okay for people to be out on vacation while my FWA was out on her extra special long maternity leave and the work was backed up. Now everyone is back, including 2 new employees, and I have to wait to get an answer because my manager wants to see what the workload is going to be like.

And of course, people are like well call out if it's not approved. Which makes me only feel even shittier about the whole situation. I would like to but I would be so afraid of getting written up or fired. But if I don't go down and something happens to my grandparents between then and next year, I will never forgive myself for putting my job over my family. No matter how shitty I may treat my family, I still love them and they will always come first. But then if I get fired, I'll never forgive myself. There is no fucking win for me here. Except to have the vacation approved.

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