The Bitch Is Back

Wow, I can't believe it's been over 2 years since I last graced everyone with my presence.  I blame the Prozac.  Since I started that shit, it's done nothing but take my ability to express my feelings (which I had issues with prior to starting Prozac) and just traps it inside me, leaving me with so much pent up miserableness that any day now I'm waiting for the mother of all breakdowns to come.  And at the point I'm at, I'm not sure that's going to be such a terrible thing.

My FWA is pregnant again.  And just as obnoxious as she was before.  Everything is blamed on the pregnancy.  Every time we walk by her or she walks by us, the hand has to start rubbing her belly.  Bitching about this, bitching about that.  And I want to be excited about her going out on maternity leave soon.  But I'm fucking freaking out.  And then it doesn't help that we've had a higher number of reviewers lately so the workload has been kind of light (first holiday season I was able to leave normal time), and one of them resigned on Friday.  So now I'm really freaking out.  And really beating myself up that I can't handle doing such a simple job that apparently any idiot can be hired to do.  Of course I don't doubt that having anxiety and OCD doesn't contribute to that.  I can't NOT care about the quality of my work like everyone else apparently does.

I've always suspected I've had misophonia but lately it's been really bad.  Again, I'm not sure if this is something Prozac is contributing to (it was never this bad until I started Prozac).  Nearly every little noise gets on my nerves, practically to the point where I honest to God wish I would go deaf just because I can't fucking stand it anymore.  And one of the things that really gets under my skin is hearing people collate in work.  Everyone is obnoxiously loud with flicking through paper and the sound drives me fucking bonkers.  I'm surprised I actually have any teeth left because I grind them so hard the whole day in work.  I can't stand the sound so much and every time I hear it I want to put my hands over my ears and start screaming SHUT THE FUCK UP over and over and over again.  The level of agitation I feel every time I hear it can be terrifying.

There are so many days anymore where I wish I would just get the guts to end it already.

On the plus side, after years of chickening out, I finally did it in November- I went through with LASIK!  It cost me a pretty penny but with the exception of dry eye (which I had some issues with before), so far so good.

But let me tell you- laugh heartily anytime you hear commercials about $250 an eye LASIK.  You must hardly be nearsighted to qualify for that. 

Random Thoughts

Well that was unsurprisingly a quick 3 days off. Quick summer as well. Boo. I was always one to look forward to the end of summer and the start of fall. Now I hate when summer ends. And I think it has to do with 5 years ago when I was going through such a rough time and then ended up being laid off on top of it. My mental state was really not in a good place then and I think I have been subconsciously associating that with fall since then.

I had no one to do anything with last night so I just did my own thing. Went to Popeye's like last time. I was in there with my book and 3 old people. Then I ran to a few stores and came home and at in front of the boob tube and read. It was depressing as fuck. I felt like going and buying a gun and blowing my brains out. Still feeling like that, actually. More so because I have to go back to work. And because of visions of horrible things happening playing nonstop in my head. I swear to God some days when they're really bad I want to take an ice pick and jam it up my fucking nose.

And to make my suicidal thoughts more depressing....it's apparently National Suicide Prevention week. I saw that earlier and thought, Jesus that would be fucking ironic.

I'm beyond frustrated with this bloating and left lower abdominal distention. Every time I put my pants on I want to cry because they feel so tight on me. I'm so disgusted with myself and disgusted with myself for starting to think I'm fat again. I really should go to the doctor and request an abdominal CT scan. That way it could show the digestive system and female organs. An ultrasound wouldn't do much for me unless there is definitely something going on in my women parts.

I bought Nature Made Advanced Dual Action probiotics the other day. I haven't tried them yet, as I am still finishing up the last few of my usual probiotics. I hope they do something good, though.

Anyway, I am currently reading Robopocalypse by Daniel Wilson. I had bought a copy of Amped in the Dollar Tree back in July and I was very interested in it and then I read some reviews on Robo and thought it sounded intestesing, so I checked it out of my local library. I am simultaneously fascinated and freaked out by it. Definitely enforces my belief that technology is great until it malfunctions. It also makes me think of the "Mother's Day" episode of Futurama. Hey Hey! Ho Ho! 100110!

Random Thoughts

One week later, still bloated beyond belief. Still having constipation. Super nauseous. I'm so damn miserable. I finally decided to try doing an enema last night and obviously didn't help, otherwise I wouldn't be here bitching still. I JUST WANT TO PROPERLY GO! 

I wish I knew if there was any link to my hormones behind it. I've been having cramping and heavy discharge all this week. Off and on tonight, I've been getting this annoying pulling pain above the bikini line on the right side. I'm wondering if I could possibly have a cyst.

I'm also very unhappy with the scale. I was about 127 when I got on this morning. And of course all I keep worrying about is the numbers are going to keep going up and nothing will be able to stop it, or my Prozac finally decided to say fuck it and make me start gaining weight.

Random Thoughts

I'm still alive. Nothing really exciting to report, other than I have a new nephew. He came a few days after my last post and is an absolute cutie patootie. 

I'm glad to report my last period came at a respectable 36 days. It's kind of weird that it came the usual amount of days after stopping Miralax. I don't know how or why Miralax would knock it off but I still think it had something to do with my period coming late those few months.

However, since my last period ended, I've been dealing with some really annoying lower back pain. Sometimes it's only on the right side, sometimes it's only on the left side, and sometimes it's bilateral. And it spreads into my hips and thighs, usually the front part of my thighs and sometimes the sides. Walking can be painful but sitting can be even worse, because then the pain in my hips and thighs worsens. I don't know what is going on but it's making me really irritable. And the stuff I normally do to get rid of back pain isn't helping. The only thing that seems to help is the ibuprofen 800 I still have from before I got my root canal. But once it wears off, I'm right back to being miserable. Plus I'm afraid to take too much pain medications since apparently Prozac and NSAIDs together can increase stomach bleeding.

Work is still the same old shit. The lull in work has come to an end. Now I am a little guilty of slacking off some during that lull, but not like my coworkers. But will they be the ones stressing out over it? No. It will be this girl. I'm the moron sitting here right now on a frigging Sunday afternoon getting a knot in my stomach wondering how the shit will get done in time.

Random Thoughts

The heat sensitivity seems to have settled down some. Still hurts to chew on that side though. And I've tried (multiple times) sticking a swab over each tooth and biting down and of course that never elicits any pain, so I can't even figure out what tooth it is, although I am almost positive it's the root-canaled tooth.

I don't know if it's just the post-period miserable or what, but I have been one cranky ass bitch this past week. I certainly don't feel like I am taking Prozac anymore. Which means I probably need to up my dosage but am still too chicken (I did up it to six days a week, but that lasted two weeks).

And I'm so damn annoyed with work. I keep telling myself to be happy I have a job, but I still drive in to work every morning hoping an 18 wheeler will nail me. My coworkers just get under my skin so damn bad. And lately it's been really bad.

My FWA has had a bit of an attitude problem this week and I'm about to put my foot up her ass. And I guarantee if you asked her what is up her ass, she'd be all I haven't slept WAH the baby hasn't slept WAH. At which point I'd have to walk away because I'd want to give her a look that would make Medusa proud and ask her if she really expects any fucking sympathy from me. YOU wanted to be a mother so bad, YOU constantly go on about how much "it's so worth it", YOU feed your kid junk food all of the time....sit the fuck down.

And other things that annoy me with them are really just my petty side rearing its ugly head. Like how I always like making my favorite doctor a pot of coffee whenever he is in. But for the past week and a half the MOB has been making coffee (apparently she "lost" her travel mug so she's had to make coffee in work instead of just, oh I don't know, BUYING A NEW MUG) so I haven't gotten to make it for him. And it's really grinding my fucking gears. Also, it's pretty funny how twice we've had birthday cake since my birthday and she's eating the cake both times. AND IT'S THE SAME EXACT CAKE AS WHAT I HAD. In fact, almost every morning this past week I've seen her eating a piece of cake from my FWA's birthday cake that was in the fridge. Yeah, okay.

And I'm annoyed how my lunch half hour is no longer mine. I have Jabber Jaws take lunch the same fucking time as I do and normally if I need some peace and quiet and the weather isn't bad, I might go and sit out in my car and have lunch. Except now even that isn't a pleasant experience because not only does my manager take lunch the same time, but she'll also sit in her car. And 99% of the time she's parked next to me. And it feels incredibly awkward sitting in my car right next to her.

On another note....it's snowing out. WTF????

Random Thoughts

So luckily no tornadoes came during that last tornado watch, although we did get some rather nasty storms. This weather is nuts. Yesterday I cleaned about an inch or more of snow off of my car and drove to work in snow and this upcoming week it's going to be in the 70's. What the hell?

And these crazy warm ups that keep popping up are making me very nervous of what kind of weather spring is going to bring. Namely, what kind of severe weather.

Boy, Facebook really knows how to bring out the hateful side of people, doesn't it? My God, some of the things people on my newsfeed post, I'm like whoa, seriously?! And while I know some stupid ass delusional people, I can't believe I actually know anyone stupid and delusional enough to want to vote for Donald Trump. Really- he's trolling us all with his shit, right?

I was exercising earlier and "A Good Sadness" came on and I thought hey, Oracular Spectacular came out in 2007, Congratulations came out in 2010, and MGMT came out in 2013. A new album seems to come out every 3 years. It's time, boys! Time for some new music!

This past week, I reluctantly added another day of taking Prozac, upping my dosage to 6 days a week of 20 mg from 5 days a week of 20 mg. I hope it helps some and doesn't make me gain weight. I also hope it doesn't make me even more apathetic than it's already made me.

Another thing I have noticed since starting the medication is I have gotten even worse with discussing things on my mind. I was kind of bad with discussing problems before, but now I really tend to take everything and just shove it deep down inside of me instead of getting it off my chest.

Or maybe it's because all of a sudden I've become everyone's dumping ground for their problems. I constantly have to hear about what is ailing my mother or how horrible my sister's pregnancy is going or how bad my nephew is being. And the terrible thing is how much I feel like screaming I DON'T CARE to it all. And I feel HORRIBLE feeling that way towards my family, although to be fair it's not just isolated to them. Anytime anyone talks to me in work, or anywhere really for that matter, 90% of the time I feel like screaming I DON'T CARE.

Random Thoughts

Holy crap, a post two days in a row! To what do we owe this honor?

It's been almost a year since I started taking Prozac. I have noticed somewhat of a positive response to it, but I have also noticed a few negatives. One, I can't remember the last time I actually wanted to have an orgasm or tried to have one. I think one woke me up in the middle of the night a month or so ago, but that's about the last one I remember. And two, I can't even remember the last time I actually genuinely laughed at something. It's not that I have lost my sense of humor, I still find things funny, but I just find that I no longer can actually laugh at anything.

I'm still taking it five days a week and keep contemplating adding another day, but every time I go to do so, I chicken out that if I start to take more of it, I'll gain weight.

And because I don't dislike work enough, now I loathe even more. Last year, a middle-aged lady was hired to work out of our office as a medical assistant for doctors for our sister company that travel to our area. She was originally part time, but a few months ago she was hired full time. And I've hated work even more since she started full time. I've talked about her before- she never fucking shuts up. She'll start talking and talking and talking and talking and jump from one topic to the next. She's completely overwhelming to talk to because she just completely hijacks every goddamn conversation. I almost have full blown anxiety attacks whenever she corners me and talks to me. That's another thing- she corners you and gets within a few inches of you when she talks to you. And that is a big no-no for someone who has intense personal space issues.

Between her excessive talking and constant up and down, I'd almost swear she has some kind of hyperactivity disorder. I've never seen someone get up and fly around an office so much so quickly as she does. She'll leave food and drinks on our break room table and then sit at her desk and get up every so often to go eat or drink whatever she has on the table. I don't understand the purpose of that. Just eat at your fucking desk like a normal person.

She also never listens. There are things she has asked me multiple times and I've given her answers, as well as my coworkers, and then she'll stand there and say no one ever told her that. She's like talking to a fucking wall. And it's always she has a quick question. Nothing is ever quick with her. She always has to go on this long ramble before she finally semi gets to the question. And I say semi because her questions never make any sense so you never really know what she's asking. And every single time, without fail, as soon as she gets an answer, it's always followed by "that's what I thought" or "that's what I was going to do". WAT

But the thing that annoys me the most about her is she is everywhere I goddamn turn. No matter time what I pull up to work, it's almost guaranteed she'll be not far behind. She takes a break the same time I do. Or the same time I used to, seeing as I no longer really take breaks. Oh and now all of a sudden she takes lunch the same time I do. She literally clocks out almost the same time I do. No matter where I go, she is there. I'm starting to feel like I have a fucking stalker.

Random Thoughts

So the good news is I didn't have to deal with any pain when I went to the dentist on Monday, seeing as I got 2 shots of Novocain. I also found out that I was not having my crown replaced right then and there; rather, I'd have to go through a temporary crown again for 3 weeks and then get the permanent. Had I known that I would have probably have just said forget it. I ended up spending nearly 2 hours there. Then when I finally get back to work, I take a look in the mirror at my crown and realize that in one spot there is a giant space between my gum and the crown, like a piece had chipped off and the girl stuck it on there like that. So I call the office back and they tell me to come back in after work (I was not about to go back up right then and lose more time).

So I head back up after work and once again I have to get numbed (only one shot this time) and a new temporary crown was made and put in. My cheek and the area around my crown were super irritated and sore afterwards; my cheek is no longer bothering me and the area around the crown is just finally starting to feel better. I'm so damn annoyed. Had I known all of this, I would have just kept my permanent crown as is.

My anxiety levels were so bad on Monday- between what they would be doing to me at the dentist and whatever this post-menstrual rise in anxiety levels thing going on lately- that I was physically shaking sitting in the dentist chair. I don't think it was until around Wednesday that I finally started to notice a decrease in my anxiety levels and heart palpitations.

I am starting to wonder now if when I upped my Prozac dosage and felt off the wall if it was really the Prozac or if it was because I was at the end of my period. Or possibly both. But I am starting to think it more because I was at the end of my period. I'm back down to every other day and still felt off the wall when I was at the end of my period. I still cannot seem to get back to that feeling I had when I first started Prozac every other day. It was nothing to brag about, but I still felt somewhat more relaxed and not as off the wall. And I can't seem to feel that way anymore.

My boss's son's funeral was on Wednesday. Surprisingly the company not only allowed us to attend any of the services, but actually paid us for it. I went in the morning with my FWA, the coworker I no longer trust, and my favorite doctor. While we were sitting in the church, I kept looking at the coffin and I started thinking of having to face this one day with my own family members and my chest would start to tighten and I wanted to start screaming.

I borrowed the book Gone Girl from my sister and I have never been so infuriated by the end of a book in my life. I would say the book was pretty good, but the end of the book completely ruined it. Amy was such a terrible person I wish Nick would have killed her at the end. No, scratch that. I wish both of the main characters died at the end. Slowly and horribly. 

Random Thoughts

Three days down, two more to go until a much anticipated and needed 3 day weekend! Especially after this week. The work is kind of backed up, so I (and only I) have been doing overtime and will do it tomorrow and maybe Friday as well. I'm burnt!

So far my being on Prozac every other day again has not done much for my digestive system. It is nothing like when I initially took it every other day. I just had 2 weeks straight of diarrhea (minus the weekends for some reason) and bloating and this week I am still bloated, but now I am extremely constipated. I would imagine with the ridiculously lengthy half-life of Prozac that some of the extra dosing is STILL in my system, so I don't know if it has anything to do with it. All I know is I am incredibly annoyed, uncomfortable, and miserable.

Random Thoughts

I contacted my doctor's office on Monday about the suspected tick and my doctor prescribed me a one time dosage of doxycycline. Yes, one of the pills I was on for endometritis. I can't even remember the last time I had to take antibiotics (2008 maybe?) and somehow I have managed to have to take several in a 2 month span. WTF?

Antibiotic prophylaxis or not, I am still feeling on edge about finding a tick on me, mostly because I want to know how on earth the bloodsucker got on me. Plus, you read some of the things they can cause besides Lyme disease and it opens a whole new door to anxiety.

I am still taking the Prozac every other day. I am sorry I ever started taking it every day like I did. My stomach is still a bloated mess. I still am not feeling hot mentally. All I want is to feel like I did initially when I was taking it every other day. And lord knows if that feeling will ever come again.

I also haven't been sleeping very well and have been having some very bizarre nightmares. I can't even remember any of them, just that they were very bizarre and scary. I'm running on little sleep and it's making me irritable and miserable as fuck.

Random Thoughts

Ugh, it's way too hot way too early.

I am back to taking the Prozac every other day and I have to say I don't feel quite as bad as I did. I don't feel like slamming my car into a tree whenever I am in it (well, at least not nearly as strongly as I did before, because let's face it- there is never a time I don't have suicidal ideation).

Can't say I still don't feel like even more of a failure, though.

Random Thoughts

It has not been a good past few days. I have been one miserable agitated bitch. Friday I felt so shitty that the whole drive home all I could think was how bad I wanted to hit the gas pedal and slam into a tree. Yesterday I woke up feeling very anxious and agitated and ended up taking an Ativan before I went anywhere. I went down the shore for the day with my family and it was able to get my mind off of some things for a little bit, but as soon as I came home, I started to feel bad and depressed again. And I am still feeling really bad.

And once again I don't know what is causing it. It could be the post-period miserableness I sometimes get or it could be due to the increase in medicine. Which you would think would show up sooner, but it was a few weeks before Wellbutrin turned me into a paranoid mess that wanted to asphyxiate herself with carbon monoxide. And if it's the Prozac, it's going to be a while before I feel any better, thanks to it having such a ridiculously long half-life.

And once again, can people now see why I was so resistant to going back on medicine? 

Also, despite feeling hornier than fuck at times, I have been unable to have an orgasm.

Last year, we had a new MA start. And lately it has become apparent that she is one of the ones my boss allows to have special privileges. One of my coworkers said to me one day that she doesn't think this chick has worked a full 40 hour week since she started. And now that I think about it, I am starting to think it's true. She missed 3 days of work in January, conveniently got a doctor's excuse the day before a snowstorm, complained her knee was bothering her yet was able to exercise and then go skiing over a weekend where she supposedly got into an accident and broke ribs and then was out a whole week, and she just got back from a week long vacation last Monday and then had a doctor's appointment Wednesday and ended up not coming in the whole day, came in late Thursday and then left a half day, and then was out all Friday. She is also constantly coming in earlier if she has to leave early for an appointment, despite the fact that none of us are allowed to do that anymore (which I blame my FWA for that privilege being taken away).

And while I like this MA, there are times I am really starting to question whether I can trust her or if she is just like the MA she replaced, the one I worked with before I started back- a real trouble maker. Also, she is always in such a hurry to get work done, it's always being done half-assed (although I suspect a lot of times it's not so much she is in a hurry as much as she just simply doesn't feel like doing it) and then I have to clean it up and she is constantly texting on her phone or taking personal phone calls.I can't tell you how many times I have been waiting to use the scanner and she is back there supposedly scanning her own shit but is too busy texting on her phone. I'm telling you- it was better when the job of scanning was left to one person.

But the best part has been listening to my FWA complain all week about her and how much shit she gets away. Glass houses, FWA, glass houses.

On Friday, my FWA's friend posted some article about how chronic lateness might be a medical condition. Oh, that is all she needs to hear. No, honey, it's not a medical condition, it's just called you're a fat lazy slob who can't take responsibility for anything.

And going back to yesterday, aside from feeling so on edge, it was a nice day. A little chilly, but it was sunny and the sky was a flawless blue. More stores were missing from the boardwalk that I liked. And there was one restaurant that I have been going to since I was a kid that while they didn't have the best food (minus their outstanding apple crumb pie), I always liked the atmosphere of the place. And it is now gone. I was heartbroken when I found out last month that it had been sold and then to actually see it closed down was just depressing. I guess this is the fun of getting older, is it? Watching everything you like slowly disappear?

Random Thoughts

Two days down, three more to go until the weekend. Although I am dreading the closer to the weekend I get, because I just know my sister is going to say something about going to the Strawberry Festival and I wouldn't mind going again, but really don't want to drive up there with her husband.

Not this past weekend, but the prior weekend I went to Dairy Queen to try the salted caramel truffle Blizzard (very good) and while I was waiting in line I was reading the menu and they had 3 anniversary flavors, one of which was one of my favorites from back in the day- the brownie batter Blizzard. So this past weekend I wanted ice cream and decided I wanted that. And while I was waiting in line, I started to read through the menu again.....and happened to notice how short the Blizzard menu has gotten. And then I realized quite a few flavors that I like were no longer on the menu- mint Oreo, Oreo cheesequake, etc. DAIRY QUEEN, I AM DISAPPOINT.

I don't know what May's Blizzard of the Month will be, but I definitely want to try that brownie cookie dough one at some point. That looks heavenly. And if they'd bring back the Kit Kat Blizzard, that would be fantastic. And all I know is, I don't care if it's their 75th anniversary, the pumpkin pie Blizzard better be there in October!

I feel so damn bloated and swollen right now, I can't even stand it. You name it- my hands, my feet, every possible place imaginable. My stomach feels horrible. I have still been taking the Prozac every day and I keep thinking I need to cut back on it, but I get so wracked with guilt if I don't take it, that I end up taking it. And then I curse myself out later on when my stomach feels horrible. My anxiety levels are sky-high and my concentration levels are the pits and I don't know if it's hormone-related or possibly due to the increase in medicine. I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO ANY OF THIS. And it's driving me frigging mad.

Random Thoughts

Oh joy, it's Sunday again.

I feel so bloated right now and I'm miserable as fuck because 1) I am so bloated 2) I'm due for my period and 3) I'm just a miserable person. I ended up not taking a pill yesterday because I felt so lousy. And now I feel guilty for not taking it. There is no win. No matter what I do, I am going to feel like shit in some shape or form, whether it be mentally, emotionally, or physically.

Last night I was reading an article on Cracked about working with dead bodies in a morgue. And while I was reading it, I started thinking about my loved ones possibly facing all of that one day when they pass on and I started to feel overwhelmingly panicky and depressed. And I couldn't stop thinking about it for a long time. Every time I think of my loved ones not being around one day, especially my mother, I just want to commit suicide.

My FWA's friend posted something earlier about how her flaws aren't that bad and she doesn't care what people think about her anymore. No, of course you don't think your flaws are that bad considering YOU NEVER THINK YOU DO ANYTHING WRONG. I mean, for fuck's sake, you were written up NUMEROUS times and still can't understand why you were fired. And if you have to stand there and claim you don't care what people think about you anymore, chances are you probably still do care. I hate people that have to constantly preach that they don't care what people think about them; you know damn well they are the ones that give the most shit.

And speaking of drama, the other day I had to hear from my FWA about how her boyfriend's mother apparently called him a loser behind his back and he basically told her he was done with her. Assuming everything she tells me about her is true, I have to admit that my FWA's boyfriend's mother is frigging wiggity wack. I don't like to play amateur psychiatrist, but if that woman doesn't have borderline personality disorder, then I would eat my hat.

Anyway, later on that night, my sister sends me a text asking me how long the 2 have been together (if ya'll recall, she graduated with the boyfriend and is friends with him on FB), along with picture of a post from the boyfriend stating and I quote "wasted the last seven years of my life". A little while later my FWA posts some post about feeling like she has nothing left.

And despite not giving a shit about the constant drama in her life, I am a nosy bitch and was dying to know what happened so after awhile I asked her if everything was okay and she told me that her boyfriend worked shit out with his mother and was back to defending her constantly and that led to a fight between the 2 and he apparently turned over their coffee table and threw a key holder and the neighbors called the cops on them (keeping it classy as always! and in front of the baby!) and she wasn't even sure if they were still together or not.

A few days later, I had to laugh when she posted pictures on Facebook of the baby with Daddy dearest, meaning they weren't broken up and everything was just fine and dandy now. And of course the post from the boyfriend disappeared off of Facebook (too bad I am not one to really likely to instigate trouble; oh by the way FWA, I guess you didn't happen to see this.....). I just laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. I don't know about anyone else, but if my boyfriend did that shit in front of our one year-old daughter, I'd kick his ass out and tell him to return when he wants to behave like an adult. Especially if my ass is the one paying the bills.

God, people are so fucking annoying. And she just posted 130 pictures of her brat's christening. Why is it necessary to take that many damn pictures? And now she just changed her profile picture of her with the baby....and she's got those damn fucking sunglasses on the top of her head in the picture. Really? You couldn't take them off of your head for 5 fucking seconds to take a half decent picture? I don't think it would annoy me so much if it wasn't for the fact that she sits the entire day in work with those fucking things on the top of her head- even when she is waiting on patients. And the even better part is I remember when she bought those sunglasses and she told me she got them at some flea market and she tried to insist to me that they were designer glasses. She is ridiculous. Like you really could buy designer sunglasses at a fucking flea market.

Okay, I think I need to hang it up for now, I am just grasping at straws of things to bitch about.

God, I am so fucking miserable right now.

FML

I don't know how much longer I can stand taking the medicine every day. I am right back to feeling super bloated and being fairly constipated....JFC I just want to scream. My digestive system was feeling so good before- having somewhat of an easier time going to the bathroom, not feeling very bloated, my stomach was flatter, the scale was down, and it was making me feel emotionally good. I dread even getting on the scale tomorrow morning.

And not getting on is out of the question.

And I feel like if I go back to every other day, then I am wimping out. Who is to say that my body won't adjust to it eventually and my digestive system will start working like it did when I was taking it every other day? But I don't know if it will. Or how long it could take to do so. And I don't know whether to give it a few more days or what.

Yesterday I was on the Daily What and I seen a link at the bottom of the page to a story that made me irate. Then the same story popped up on the Berry. Then D-Listed. Then Yahoo. Then AOL. And now my local news just posted a link about it. Every time I see it, I just want to

Ugh Again

I am going to start taking Prozac every day from now on. I am an absolute nervous wreck that I am going to gain weight. So far my weight has been okay, even gone down a few pounds although I don't know if that is from the medicine or because I have been extra strict with my diet, but I am very worried that increasing my dosage will cause weight gain.

And now it's already time to go back to that hellhole called a workplace. That place where I have discovered that once again I am more than likely the lowest paid person in the office.

Random Thoughts

Slept a little better last night, but I am frigging exhausted. I was so tired this morning when I woke up I wanted to cry. I can't stand feeling so goddamn tired. And I am due for my period this coming Monday, so my hormones probably aren't helping. And I don't know if it's just a coincidence or if it's the Prozac, but I don't feel as off the wall as I normally do when I am due for my period.

And another weird thing- I barely had any spotting this month. And maybe one instance of a little bit of bleeding. It would be nice if it ceased entirely.

Before I left work today, I put on my big girl panties and told my FWA to enjoy her next few days off with the baby. She says "oh you'll see me Thursday; I'll be in with the baby!". I felt like turning back to her and saying are you fucking kidding me? Why does she always have to come in to work on her days off? What sane person chooses to come to their workplace on their day off? I don't know about anyone else, but when I have a day off, I try to stay as far away from that hell hole as possible. I don't even want to be in the same area as work.

Although I take everything my coworkers tell me with caution, I found out from one of my coworkers today that the new woman apparently must think I am some kind of narc. I don't know where in the hell she gets that impression from. I am a lot of things, but a narc is not high on the list. And I certainly haven't tattled on her for anything so she needs to take several fucking seats. She also apparently complained because when it's just the 2 of us in the office I don't talk to her. If she paid a bit more attention, she'd see that no matter who is in the office, I hardly talk to anyone. I will be the first to admit that I am not a sociable person. It's nothing personal (for the most part); I just have a very difficult time socializing with people.

And last time I checked, I am there to work, not to have a fucking social hour. Besides, what am I going to do? Start talking to her and be constantly interrupted so she can talk about herself?

And right after I found this out, I had just finished lunch and was due for a pill. I looked at the pill for a second and thought JFC no wonder I need to take these damn pills. Sometimes I don't know how I have managed to go this long without having a complete psychotic breakdown.

But on another note- look what came in today!

Random Thoughts

Happy π Day!

Still sleeping better. Maybe waking up once or twice during the night (stupid bladder) but I have actually been sleeping until the alarm goes off. Not something I have been able to do in a while.

I was also 121 pounds when I got on the scale today. Not sure if the medicine is making me lose weight or just because I have been extra strict about my diet since starting the pills. It still makes me nervous, though, because I have heard stories from people (which yes, I do always take with a grain of salt) that they initially lost weight, but then gained it back plus more.

Yesterday in work I had to listen to my FWA rant about the times she has gotten flack for her clock-in times and how it takes her computer 10 minutes to log in and how that morning she left at 20 minutes to 8 and stopped in Wawa and she was only in there 3 minutes and how every morning she is stuck behind slow ass people that don't know how to drive and blah blah blah. First off, if you have only 20 minutes to get to work, then you shouldn't be stopping at Wawa. And 3 minutes in Wawa? Girl, please. That place is nuts no matter what time of the day you're in there, but at that time of the morning it's going to be exceptionally nuts, making it completely impossible to get in and out in 3 minutes. Especially not when you're coming in to work with breakfast sandwiches which HAVE TO BE MADE BY STAFF. Second, it's pretty funny that whenever I sit at her desk, I have no problem logging in or bringing up the pay system.

And at some point she made some comment that management has been told that she is there on time but she was questioned why her clock-in time doesn't reflect that and it was at that point I was ready to bitch slap her and say how fucking dare you blatantly lie to my face. But I suppose she could be at work on time and every clock in the world is just wrong. Just like when she used to go back and talk to her friend and she was only back there 10 minutes; I guess all the clocks in the world just magically sped up and just made it look like she was back there for an hour.

Random Thoughts

So I am finally less nauseous and bloated....and now I have insomnia. And I thought, well maybe I need to change the time of my taking of the pill, but I am still having insomnia on my "off" days as well. I was up about a million times last night and I am fucking EXHAUSTED. And cranky. Of course, I am also past the midpoint of my cycle and am probably entering PMS territory as well.

Today was a day to take a pill so I took it with me to take when I ate lunch (I would have taken it first thing this morning, but I was afraid of it making me sick). It was 3:00PM when I realized I had forgotten to take it at lunch, so I ended up taking it later than I wanted to. I swear, I would forget my head if it wasn't attached to my body.

I woke up feeling kind of jittery and on edge and I am still feeling that way, maybe slightly worse. My heart is racing. I wish I knew if the medicine is making me feel this way. I don't know how long to give it before I decide to stick with it or say the hell with it. Of course, going off of it and seeing if it was causing any of the symptoms I have been having isn't going to be an easy short task either, considering Prozac has such a frigging long half-life.

I asked my FWA a question earlier, then realized I had another and at that point, she had picked up her phone and was texting and didn't put it down once while I was talking to her, very obviously not paying attention to my question. I was ready to grab it from her and slam it down on the desk and yell "bitch I am fucking talking to you, pay attention!".

Last night there was an article on ONTD about one of the girls from Little Mix saying she was glad she doesn't have a penis and the Twitter SJWs had a collective coronary and accused her of discounting transgender women. Really, people? Pretty sure she was referring to herself. I'm glad I don't have a penis, but that doesn't mean I don't think transgender women are any less woman than me. Please. If anything, probably most of them are more woman than me. How do these people survive in the world being offended by every little thing? And they're not just offended by every little thing, they constantly seek out things to be offended by. Like this.

I have "Gold" blasting so damn loud in my ears right now, no wonder I can't hear. Sir Sly played with KONGOS at the Electric Factory a few weeks ago. Since then I've pretty much been like

Random Thoughts

Man, I wish Food Factory was on right now. There is squat on on Friday nights. I briefly thought about putting a movie on- been dying to watch Brain Candy- but I just didn't have the attention span to sit through a move.

The roads weren't too hot this morning, but of course work was open normal time. I was doing okay until I came up to this one intersection. I thought I braked slow enough and far enough back, but as I started braking, my car ended up doing a 90 degree turn (when my car finally stopped my passenger side was facing the intersection). And no matter how many times I can read what to do in those situations, when it actually happens, I still immediately panicked and thought oh god what do I do oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. Thank god I was the only one at the intersection, otherwise I probably would have hit someone. And of course, now that I think about it, I am starting to feel panicky and anxious that I could have almost got into an accident today.

And once I got my car righted and was waiting for the light to turn green, a Toyota SUV came up behind me. And was behind me almost the entire ride to work. Up my ass. I continued driving slow and shot them dirty looks in the rear view mirror. Then I finally get rid of them and I turn on to the road I take through an industrial park to get to my work place....and another Toyota SUV comes up behind me. And rides my ass until he finally got the opportunity to fly around me. And then the whole ride home from work, I had a minivan up my ass. A Toyota minivan. Was today "if you drive a Toyota, drive like a jackass" day or something?

I didn't dare tell my mother when I called to let her know I got to work okay about my car spinning out; she would have went absolutely ballistic on me. I could just see it now- why would you have continued to drive to work after that? Why didn't you come home instead? No place is worth your life, especially that place! Good god, I would have gotten the guilt trip of a lifetime.

I did take a Prozac last night. I am feeling pretty bloated and have occasional waves of nausea, but so far I have been okay. I didn't sleep too great, though; I'm thinking maybe I need to find a new time slot to take it. I also am still having that weird tingly feeling throughout my body and I feel like every thing in my body is shaking. I also swear the pills give me hot flashes.

We had a meeting today and a couple times my coworkers, as well as my boss, ripped in to some newer employees and their work. I just mentally shook my head. I felt like saying "oh, and I suppose no one in here was ever new and had to learn to do their job? No? You all just knew how to do it perfectly right off the bat?" I mean, sure we seem to get person after person who just never seems to get the hang of anything, but JFC right off the bat my coworkers have no sympathy for anyone just starting and/or with no medical background. Oh but I forgot- all of my coworkers are absolutely perfect and know how to do everything and never make any mistakes. Ever.