Random Thoughts

I can't believe tomorrow will already be one week since my vacation ended. Two weeks since I left for vacation. Where on earth does the time go?

Not sure if it's post-vacation blues, post-period blues, or a mixture of things, but I have been so freaking miserable this week. I feel overwhelmingly depressed and the littlest things are making me want to lie down and just sob. I feel very unhappy right now.

And apparently I was wrong about Miralax messing with my period, because my period came 44 days this month. And right while I was on vacation. And since it came later than I expected I decided to go back on the Miralax and Peri-Colace regimen for a little bit. And it helped some during vacation, definitely helped this past Saturday, and some on Sunday. And since then I have not been able to go to the bathroom once. And I don't understand why. I'm taking two Peri-Colace pills a day, drinking tons of water, and Miralax- how the fuck is that not helping me go to the bathroom? Especially when it normally does! I'm so bloated and miserable and am starting to seriously worry I'm going to end up with a blockage.  

Random Thoughts

Well, my Myrtle Beach vacation is over for the year. Pretty much the typical vacation in this household- somewhat nice, constantly chaotic but still followed by the post-vacation blues. And then next weekend is Independence Day weekend. I feel like once that weekend is over, that's it for the summer. There is no longer anything to really look forward to, except maybe the occasional shore day trips and a few days down the shore in August.

And now it's back to that stupid place called work tomorrow. Back to annoying charts and annoying people. I'm dreading it. Big time. 

Random Thoughts

So my last summer vacation is now officially over. The good parts:

- again, not as ungodly hot as previous years
- I only managed to get mild spots of sunburn
- the stores at both Barefoot and Broadway stayed open later than last year
- Ben & Jerry's and Kirk's ice cream (and I could enjoy it without feeling like my tooth nerves were being electrocuted)
- as always, LOTS of good food; one night we finally went to this place at Broadway called Sweet Carolina's that I have been dying to try and holy crap, the BBQ pork sandwich was awesome
- I retried the regimen my gynecologist suggested for my stomach and it actually helped big time
- it was not crowded at all
- I kept up with my exercise regimen, working out every day but last Saturday

The stinky parts:

- we were almost put in the room with the bug infestation again
- it rained the first two days
- I had to share a bed
- twice someone shit in the kid pool area and closed it down for the day
- my brother-in-law's attitude and patience with my nephew were gear-grinding, once causing me to storm out of the room and slamming the door as hard as humanly possible because his screaming at my nephew was upsetting my mother and pissing me off
- my temporary crown over my root canaled tooth broke into pieces on the last day at breakfast
- my mother's car's brakes started malfunctioning when we hit the Washington DC area on the way home, making for one very anxiety-inducing 4+ hour ride home
- it's over and I still want to punch all of my coworkers in the face (thank god I have off Monday for Labor Day)

That last one especially applies to my FWA. A new law just went into effect in NJ this past Tuesday regarding car seats and when babies can be turned around and apparently my FWA and her piss poor excuse for a boyfriend blatantly refuse to abide by the law. And have no qualms about posting their feelings on Facebook. On Monday, her fat boyfriend posted a picture of the baby in her forward-facing car seat and wrote something like "I do what I want to do" and my sister, who is friends with him on Facebook, laid in to him about it and said how it's an American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation and not just a weight and age requirement, it has to do with their immature heads and spines, etc. He of course made no argument against my sister, but my FWA piped in later that she (the baby) meets the weight requirement for the car seat. Honestly- what part of "immature heads and spines" does this stupid bitch not get? But I guess she knows better than the AAP, right? I swear, some people are so fucking stupid, sometimes I have to wonder if eugenics is really all that bad to use at times.

On a positive note, the pumpkin pie Blizzard is back! I was afraid with the 75th anniversary stuff going on that DQ might not bring it out this year. Thank god they did or I would have rioted.

Random Thoughts

For some unknown reason, I just listened to "Fireflies" by Owl City 4 times in a row. Last time I heard that song was when I was in a Wal-Fart in Myrtle Beach back in September. I still like it. Guilty as charged. I have no idea what it's about, but I think it's a cute song.

So I had no problem falling asleep last night. And then I had to wake up at 4:30 feeling hot. Then cold. Then hot again. Then cold. And so on. I never did fall back asleep, either, so I went into work with about 4 hours of sleep. I am exhausted. I could barely stay awake in work and I'd almost swear I half-dozed off a couple of times.

My mom's theory is always it's just the house, the temperature gets funny at night. Well, then why has it never been a problem before? Pretty sure last winter I was sleeping under 4 covers as opposed to the 3 I am sleeping under now. And I slept pretty well throughout December, except for one Sunday night I can recall and from Christmas morning on.

I am already getting nervous about going to bed. I don't know if this is going to keep up until my period decides to come (if it comes, although with as cranky as I have been lately I am thinking it should hopefully be soon) or if it's going to continue on afterwards. I'll lose my fucking mind if it keeps up. I just want a good night's sleep!

Random Thoughts

Not that anyone cares, but my period ended the day of my last post.

So my long awaited vacation to Myrtle Beach is over now. So, how was my vacation? The good parts:

- it was not ungodly hot like usual
- I only got a mild case of sunburn on my back
- Ben & Jerry's
- I finally got the mint chocolate chip with hot fudge and wet walnuts sundae I have been dying for
- LOTS AND LOTS of good food
- I worked out every day but the day we drove down and the day we came home
- one morning I went to the gym and "Electric Feel" came on over the sound system
- one day "Amazing" by One Eskimo played over the sound system at the pool
- the night we ate at Liberty Steakhouse, I heard both "Time to Pretend" and "Kids"
- no miserable bitches from work ruined my vacation this time
- it was not crowded at all
- Ripley's Aquarium finally got sharks in their petting pool (and yes, I pet every single one but 2 that I couldn't reach)

And the bad parts:

- it rained a few days
- we discovered roaches in the room we were originally put in after about 2 days of being in there and we had to get all of our unpacked stuff together and move to a new room
- my brother-in-law got on my last nerve with his attitude
- no matter how much I love my nephew I definitely do not want kids after spending a week with him, although I still have an infinite amount more patience with him than my BIL
- I feel like a fat cow still from all of the bad eating
- all of the stores at Broadway at the Beach and Barefoot Landing closed at 9
- I had 2 nights of insomnia, complete with at least 2 panic attacks one of those nights
- it's over

Also, we go to Cracker Barrel on Wednesday when we are down there and their seasonal dessert is carrot cake so of course I ordered a piece. I did not regret getting it.

Ugh, I hate being back from vacation. I still have a bad case of the post vacation depression blues, so here is a picture I took of a depressed looking snake at Alligator Adventure:

Random Thoughts

So summer is essentially over now. It really flew by. And I didn't do anything that exciting, with the exception of going to Myrtle Beach in June (which would have been more fun if some people weren't such pain in the asses about everything) and going to Musikfest. God I want to to relive that night again so bad. Minus the heat and rain.

I was really nervous about summer coming since I started having issues with blood pressure running on the low side. I was really worried I would pass out or have other problems. Luckily, I never did. I did have times where I felt sick from the heat, but never enough to pass out. I don't even know how my blood pressure has been running. I haven't taken it in such a long time. I'm glad that was one compulsion I was finally able to break. It took a lot of hard work, but eventually it finally ceased. I just wish I could eventually finally break free from the fear of having Addison's. I probably have more than enough evidence that I do not have it, but like I have repeatedly said, letting go makes me feel like I am jinxing myself.

I noticed a lot of the people I used to work with who still have their jobs have been bitching up a storm on Facebook about wanting to leave, so one day I sent a message to my WA, or what I will now call FWA. Because obviously she can't be bothered with me. But whatever. Fuck her white trash ass. Apparently they bitched about something to my old boss and she got mad at them and is now being really ignorant to them. Now I know she is a fucking menace. She is clearly someone who gets stressed out easily and should not be anywhere near a management position. Exactly why I have never been in one. But hearing this from my FWA, she of the I only talk for 10 minutes but was really over an hour, I am taken this with a grain of salt. Frankly, everyone I worked with there is always going to greatly exaggerate their problems. Just her little bitching FB post about getting in trouble for her clothes. Her clothes were always inappropriate for work

And once again, they should all be fucking grateful they still have jobs. And you know what? If any of them left or was fired and my boss, if she really liked me as much as she claimed she did, called and offered me a position and it fit what I was looking for, I wouldn't hesitate to take it. Please. Why should I care if I take a job from any of those people? Why should I care if it hurts them? Would they think twice about doing the same to me? Nope.

I'm seriously getting tired of constantly worrying about other people's feelings. I don't want to be downright cruel, but it's almost ridiculous how much I have let slip through my fingers from being too worried about hurting other people. Why was I so stupid?

And speaking of being cruel, did anyone hear that story about the teenager who stuck his head out the top of a bus and got killed? A prime example of what is wrong with parenting today. Every generation coming up is full of defiant little bastards who think no rules apply to them. They were told not to open it and I can just imagine the stupid little bastard acting cocky and defiant. And where did it get him? Six feet under ground. What a fucking moron.

Random Thoughts

Well, it's back home again. What a crazy vacation. The good points? The weather was gorgeous, except for two nights when it rained off and on. Plenty of good food. I kept with my exercise regimen the entire time I was there. Every morning, my butt was on the elliptical. I found a pair of ear plugs from a temp job I had a couple summers and used them at bedtime, so I was able to sleep, except for my usual insomnia. I also did not experience one episode of orthostatic hypotension the entire week I was there. No erractic heartbeats, despite the massive amounts of caffeine I consumed. In fact, last week was the best I have felt in a very long time (aside from having PMS). It was like my entire body reset itself somehow. There was a waiter at Liberty Steakhouse at Broadway At The Beach who reminded me of Andrew (I grumbled and cursed the hostess under my breath the entire time we were there that she did not seat us in his section. Because I would have felt obligated to say something, whether out loud or written on the check. What? If you look like Andrew, you need to be informed!) Oh, and not that anyone cares, but my period was expected to come, but did not come until Saturday.

The bad points? It was senior week. My sister and my brother-in-law were royal pains in the asses. I got a sore throat the second to last day. I got major sunburn on my chest. I think if I had just gotten a speck more of burn, I would have had sun poison. And between burning and tanning, I now have about 65 million more freckles. I like freckles, don't get me wrong, but come on. I already have a gazillion across my shoulders and back. I do not need anymore.

My sister and my brother-in-law are very annoying to go on vacation with, between his constantly want to rush everything and her ever-growing princess mentality. His constant little snide remarks regarding my parents was really starting to grate on my nerves. I wanted to turn to him and say "look buddy, you haven't earned your right to bitch about your in-laws". And my sister bitched to me today that my father did not even thank my brother-in-law until yesterday for driving home on Friday. Uh, does he thank my father for driving us down there? No. And why should my father thank him for driving, when my brother-in-law only offers to drive to get himself home quicker, not to give my father a break from driving? Does he thank my parents for all of the food they buy that he hogs? He ate so much of the damn food my parents brought. Then he buys himself food and doesn't offer anyone any of it. Have I gotten one thank you for helping to pack up and move YOUR and YOUR WIFE'S THINGS into YOUR NEW HOUSE? No! I have not!

And my sister is turning into such a high-maintenance bitch. I don't know what the hell her problem is anymore, but one of these days I am going to knock her on her ass.

But overall, it was a nice vacation. I'd much rather be in Myrtle Beach than here. Sometimes I think I would like to move there, but living there would take all of the fun out of it. Not that we ever do anything that exciting, but it is a change in scenary. Plus, moving there would be a bitch on my hair. My hair is hard enough to maintain here. Straightening my hair takes an act of god. I could not keep my hair straight for anything down there. I'd straighten it and no sooner would I step outside and it would start curling again. And it was not even humid like it normally is when we go! I guess it was why there were so many curly-haired guys around. Every time I turned around, there was a guy with curly hair. My ovaries were about to explode.

Speaking of exploding ovaries, check out the new MGMT post on ONTD. That picture! It's so hypnotizing! It's so beautiful! He's so beautiful! *starts sobbing* I can't look away!

Anyway, the past couple days have been so hectic since coming home, because my mother is in rare form and is just freaking out about everything. Which is making me feel really stressed out and making me want to run off and go on a vacation myself. I'd always like to do that, go on a vacation myself. But I'm too chicken shit to do it. Too chicken shit to take risks ever. I wouldn't say my parents were overprotective, but they, particularly my mother, instilled a lot of fear in me growing up. I can't recall a time in my life I have ever taken a risk.

I am starting to notice another negative trait about myself when it comes to people. I noticed that I have a tendency to put people I admire on a very high pedestal. And the criteria to remain on that pedestal is very picky and strict. And when someone fails to meet those requirements, I am very quick to kick them off. And generally that failure has something to do with my own self-esteem.

I  just do not understand myself. And yesterday was probably the closest I came to in a long time of wanting to harm myself. And I don't mean cutting myself or banging my head against something (which I have been good not doing but did again on vacation) or binging and purging (which I have done 3 times in the past 3 weeks. And I am very, VERY angry at myself for it). I mean suicide. And it was terrifying feeling that way. I am miserable from being home, from how my sister behaved on vacation, from not having a job, pretty much from a lot of things. And then it had to be Father's Day and the same bullshit every holiday. I shut my bedroom door, put my music up really loud, and I started crying so hard I was choking. I was so angry and I had so much adrenaline rushing through my body that I can fully understand how a mother can pick a car off of a child, because I could have probably have done that yesterday.

I am tired of this bullshit every holiday. And my mother and I went out and met up with my aunt and grandparents and the whole time I felt bad for going out. And angry at myself for allowing myself to feel bad. It's my father's fault. He doesn't want to be around them, but I want to be around my 87 year-old grandfather on Father's Day! So why did I allow and still allow myself to feel bad that I went out and didn't spend the day with him when he is the one who wants to be an ass and not be around his in-laws? And then we were planning to go to dinner with my grandfather and they ended up going themselves. So my mom and I ended up at the diner. I had Father's Day dinner with my mom.

Oh and the erratic heart beats were back again. What in the hell was different on vacation that I did not have them? I certainly wasn't relaxed on vacation. I still was stressed out constantly. NJ is probably making me sick. It is a pretty toxic state.