And Here We Go Again

Really?

So much for the early menopause fear being dead and buried forever.

More Teefs Update

The tooth is still bothering me. Last night I spontaneously woke up at almost 1:30AM and my tooth was hurting. Not anything terribly serious, maybe a 3 or 4 on the VAS pain scale at the most, but annoying enough to make my climb out of bed and take a Motrin 800 (prescribed by my dentist before I went down the shore) and lay awake for a while, although I think my anxiety over the pain was keeping me awake more than the pain itself.

I called the office again today and was squeezed in at 1PM and was only in there for a few minutes before I was sent next door to an endodontic office. Where root canal was strongly recommended and I am scheduled to have done a week from today. And I am fucking bugging over it. I don't even think I am so much scared of the procedure itself as I am of the post-procedure part. All I know is I better not even THINK of googling root canal complications.

I also called the dental office because the gum around one of my upper molars is red and sore and I am panicking that I have an infection and/or abscess. I mentioned it repeatedly and it was not addressed once. In either office. And I am very anxious about it. I am anxious that my cracked tooth will get infected and/or develop an abscess before next Wednesday. I am worried either place will get so infected it will spread to my brain or blood. I am worried I will get an infection following the root canal. It just never stops.

And I never though I'd say this but I'd rather be worried about premature menopause right now.

Random Thoughts

Man, it is BRUTAL outside. It's about 14 degrees Fahrenheit with a real feel of about -1. YUCK. And it's supposed to be pretty brutal this whole week. HOW EXCITING.

And to make the week more exciting, the catty one who used to work at my place is coming in tomorrow for lunch. And everyone will fawn all over like she is some fucking princess. It just astonishes me. And for some reason unknown to me, the one who plays on her phone all the time is going to be in the office all week instead of on the road. How exciting. A whole week of watching her play on her phone and when she isn't doing that, she'll either be talking or spending all of her time on the Facebook page of some place called Enchanted Farms. Or something other than work. This past Friday I watched her spend most of the day on Excel working on her household budget. A couple Fridays ago, her shift was over at 12:30. She stayed until 2. And what did she do that whole time? Spent her time on this Enchanted Farms page. The whole hour and a half. A whole hour and a half of OVERTIME and she didn't even fucking work.

I don't want to lose my job right now, but I would love to see us get shut down just so I can see how everyone else would survive having to work somewhere else. Especially this bitch and my FWA. But then again, lousy workers are always rewarded so they'd probably do just fine. My FWA would create some woe is me sob story (and now she has a baby to use to her advantage!) and everyone will feel sorry for her and cater to her just like the morons at this place do.

And speaking of her, she was a half hour late to work on Friday. Because she got into a fight with her boyfriend's mother. And just as I expected, I had to hear the WHOLE goddamn story later. I can't even begin to describe how badly I wanted to scream I DON'T CARE, OH MY FUCKING GOD I DON'T CARE. Especially because I was already annoyed that a conversation about having bad PMS and being unable to tolerate birth control and having bad cramps every month turned into having to hear about her fucking labor and water breaking again (I guess the fact that I said my cramps primarily affect my back reminded her that she had back labor so she figured it was her chance to turn the whole conversation back to herself). Again- don't care.

And I swear, if I go into work tomorrow and have to hear one person say they went to see 50 Shades of Shit and then rave about it, I am going to go fucking ballistic. I read a rundown on ONTD one day of some of the things Christian Gray (Gray, Grey, don't give enough fucks to google it) does to her in the books and I am beyond appalled that so many women like these books. If you honestly want a man like Christian Gray you need to check your fucking life big time.

God I wish my damn period would come already. I am tired of feeling so damn crabby. I am now getting to the point that I am starting to fret that it's going to come later than last month or not at all. I am so tired of this every month. I felt a little better after my blood work came back normal, but now I am starting to get anxious all over again that I am going through perimenopause. Especially when once again your period is coming later than it has been for years and you're waking up warm during the night or drinking coffee and feeling warm.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for a Food Factory marathon. 

Random Thoughts

Yesterday when my FWA was getting ready to go to lunch, she started ranting to me about her boyfriend's mother. And one of the things she said was that she (his mother) is bipolar and lies a lot and that bipolars are known for lying. I should have stopped her right then and there and said 1) I don't care about your little fucking drama and 2) I guess you would know about lying, considering you're one of the biggest liars I have ever met in my life. And I don't even think she lies so much because she is an evil rotten bitch who likes to manipulate people- I think she lies because she is stupid and because she is so desperate to come off as likable and have people like her. Yes, because lying is really the way to go about doing that.

I just have to laugh at some of the things she complains about her boyfriend's mother, because what she doesn't realize (self-awareness is clearly not her forte) is how much they are alike in personality. That was very apparent at her baby shower.

We have this middle-aged woman at our place who started about a month ago and she is already on all of our last nerves. For one, she is one of those ones who came in acting like she knows everything. She demanded a new desk chair, because she can't work in one with arms. It still hasn't come in so she bitches nonstop about it. We were almost out of paper last week because for some reason our supply order hadn't come in yet, so she was bitching and saying we should order more paper when we put our order in and/or order more times a month. And she kept bitching about it despite us telling her multiple times that this is the maximum of what we're allowed to order and we can't order more than once a month. She butts into everyone's conversation and makes it about herself (sound like someone else we know?). Oh and she is extremely opinionated. Worse than me and unlike me, she doesn't keep her opinions to herself in front of people.

She also has to bitch every time Hozier's "Take Me To Church" comes on, which as you are aware from my complaints plays constantly. Bitch, we're all tired of it we don't need to hear you bitch about how tired you are of it every single damn time it comes on. Yesterday she made some comment that he is one of those people you should never hear from again. I turned to her and not so nicely said "why?" and she gave some dumbass excuse (I don't even care to remember what it was) and whatever it was I said "that doesn't mean he doesn't have good music. And they have played other stuff by him on the station that was good, just not as often as this [Take Me To Church]." Whether "Take" is overplayed or not, you can't deny that Hozier is talented as hell. Bitch, you're a fucking Linkin Park fan, you need to take several seats.

God save her ass if she ever badmouths MGMT in front of me.

Also, she does this annoying laugh that sounds like she is hocking a loogie. It's so gross.

And going back to my FWA and self-awareness, she complained to me one day about the new lady butting into people's conversation. I wanted to laugh hysterically and say to her damn, you really are fucking delusional, aren't you? Everything she bitches about other people she is completely oblivious to the fact THAT SHE DOES THE SAME EXACT THING.

I have ABC Family on and all of the commercials for their drama shows are getting on my last nerve with their dramatic whiny music. But these songs aren't nearly as bad as this song that is played in a commercial for FYI's Married At First Sight: The First Year (I think). Some whiny ass monotonous hipster crap about not having money but they have love and that pays the bills! If there are people out there that honestly believe that, they should be punched in the face.

I have slept better the past few nights. Didn't wake up to any feeling warm or even the start of feeling warm last night. Now watch- tonight I will.

My mood the past few days has been like a roller-coaster. I am fine one minute and then I just completely fly off the handle over the littlest thing. I don't know if it's PMS or stress or both. I am kind of thinking part of it is PMS, because my boobs hurt incredibly bad. I was trying to wash them earlier in the shower and could barely touch them. Of course, I am stressing it will come past 35 days, or not at all. I wish it would come earlier, but I would never be that lucky probably.

Have I ever mentioned how tired of this I am? Or how tired I am of being tired of this?

Also- I was on that Tartlr page earlier and she had reblogged a picture that someone had scanned from MGMT's Funzone Fanzine. There's a fanclub magazine? I am a member of their fanclub! Why haven't I gotten a copy of this yet? *shakes monitor* WHERE'S MAH MAGAZINE?!

Random Thoughts

For some unknown reason, I just listened to "Fireflies" by Owl City 4 times in a row. Last time I heard that song was when I was in a Wal-Fart in Myrtle Beach back in September. I still like it. Guilty as charged. I have no idea what it's about, but I think it's a cute song.

So I had no problem falling asleep last night. And then I had to wake up at 4:30 feeling hot. Then cold. Then hot again. Then cold. And so on. I never did fall back asleep, either, so I went into work with about 4 hours of sleep. I am exhausted. I could barely stay awake in work and I'd almost swear I half-dozed off a couple of times.

My mom's theory is always it's just the house, the temperature gets funny at night. Well, then why has it never been a problem before? Pretty sure last winter I was sleeping under 4 covers as opposed to the 3 I am sleeping under now. And I slept pretty well throughout December, except for one Sunday night I can recall and from Christmas morning on.

I am already getting nervous about going to bed. I don't know if this is going to keep up until my period decides to come (if it comes, although with as cranky as I have been lately I am thinking it should hopefully be soon) or if it's going to continue on afterwards. I'll lose my fucking mind if it keeps up. I just want a good night's sleep!

Random Thoughts

I am still listening to Christmas music. I am a sad piece of work.

The past 3 mornings I have woken up feeling warm. This morning was the worst. And when I finally got out of bed several hours later, I exercised as usual and I was pretty sweaty. Stayed feeling kind of warm, yet chilled for a few hours. And then I felt really chilled the rest of the day. I wish I could explain the feeling warm yet chilled feeling. It's really difficult to explain, though, except to look at this way- when you're hot, you might take layers off or put a fan on or go outside into the cold weather. But I don't want to do that, because I am feeling chilled at the same. Ugh, that's still not a good way to explain it. All I know is I feel like my body temperature regulation is completely out of whack and can't seem to keep me comfortable.

Earlier I decided to take a look down below at things (why, I don't know) and it was that dark red almost purplish color on the inner part and really white on the outer part. I don't understand why in the second half of my cycle, my vaginal area does that. It's really scary looking. It's something I definitely have to remember to bring up when I go to the doctor.

I don't know if it's the start of PMS or what, but I have been one nasty bitch for the past couple of days. I came home on Friday with such a stick up my ass and was snapping out on everyone and I don't even know why. I was kind of cranky yesterday, but was more emotional than anything. I have been in a pissy mood all day today. And very depressed. Maybe it's all due the fact that I haven't been sleeping well because I dread going to bed that I am going to wake up feeling warm or worse, having an actual full-blown night sweat episode where I wake up drenched in sweat.

Ugh I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Back to a full week of work. No more holidays until May. It's going to be brutal.

And everything is so damn dark and depressing. Our lights are off, most of the houses on my street have their lights off and/or decorations down. I can't stand it. It's rained the whole weekend. Today was above 60 degrees and then tomorrow it's going to plummet into the 30's and later in the week it's going to be in the 20's. No wonder I feel like crap. What the fuck, Mother Nature?

And one more thing- I love that commercial for The Eric Andre Show on Adult Swim where a whole bunch of guys dressed alike (a character, I assume- I have never watched the show) are running up the street screaming and then one guy is running behind them with a microphone. I laugh every time I see it. I think there used to be an extended one where they were all beating the crap out of someone at the end, but I don't see that one anymore. Or I imagined it.

Random Thoughts

Happy New Year to all! It was nice to have another day off and this time wasn't ruined by me waking up early feeling nauseous and warm, although I did wake up early to use the bathroom and for some reason, it occurred to me that although I did have it on the TV, I never actually saw the Times Square ball drop and I dwelled over it for a while (I swear, OCD is a fucking nightmare, but sometimes it just plain doesn't make sense). I'm sad to see the holiday season end, but before I know it, I'll be out in the stores and seeing Christmas stuff popping up again.

Plus, I am eager to go to that gynecological appointment at the end of the month. I just want an answer, although I am terrified it's going to be exactly what I fear it to be. It just seems like every time I turn around, I have a new symptom and when it's googled (I know, I know) it can be a symptom of menopause. At this point I am starting to think everything under the sun can be a menopause symptom. I've had this new thing lately where when I move my head certain ways, I feel like my hands and feet are buzzing, along with the head buzzing that I have been dealing with for 9 years since I went off of Effexor. I have no cervical problems, so I doubt very much it's that. I have also been having sensitivity with my hearing and loud noises give me the same buzzing feeling in my head just like when I turn it. And when I get off of my bike, I get this twitching feeling in my legs, mainly in the thighs, something I swore I used to only get right before I was due for my period, but now have nearly every time I exercise. But I am not supposed to be worried that there is something wrong with my hormones, right?

I can't believe it's been 9 years since I went off of Effexor. Which means January 13th will be 9 years since I was hospitalized. And I am no better than I was then. Worse, in fact. I definitely believe I am more of a train wreck than I was then. Just almost 60 pounds lighter.

A couple months ago, I sent a message to that girl I had been talking with who kind of just dropped off the face of the earth and was surprised to actually get a response from her. She was all apologetic that she hadn't kept in contact and asked me how things were and I wrote her back again and talked about some things and asked what was going on and how she was doing. Never got a response. A few weeks later, I sent her a message with some music suggestions (she had asked me before to recommended any good music, seeing as we had similar tastes). Never got a response. I think I am officially giving up keeping in contact with her.

I really miss talking to that guy Sam. I still would like to know whatever happened with him. I know he had health issues, so I am hoping he didn't die or something. Or there is always that sickening feeling that he was really a fraud and was mind fucking me. Which would be horrifying, because I told him things that my own family doesn't know about me. He knew about That Thing. And he did not judge me one bit for it (at least, not in email). To have someone not only not stop talking to me after telling something like that, but to not criticize me for it either meant a lot.

Ugh I don't feel like going back to work tomorrow, although at least it's Friday. But then Monday will roll around quickly and from this point on, there will be no days off until Memorial Day and it will be weeks upon weeks of work or until I decide to say fuck this and take a day off. No one will be out on maternity leave this year so I will feel more relaxed in taking time off. Last year I didn't take one day off the entire time my FWA was out on maternity leave because I felt so guilty in doing so and I was pretty burned out. I think that was one of the things that pissed me off the most about asking for 3 days off in August and not getting approved for it; I had not taken a day off since February. And the way my manager has been letting people take off together, it infuriates me even more that she left me hanging like she did. We just had 3 people off the day after Christmas, 2 of which do similar jobs. But I couldn't get immediately approved to have off the same time as someone who very rarely does my job. Go figure.

There was a gallery of would you rather pictures on the Berry last night and the first one was give up cheese or give up oral sex and I was astonished by the amount of people in the comments saying they don't what they would rather give up. I honestly never realized so many people were in to oral sex. I know I am an oddball, but I am truly and utterly repulsed at the thought of oral sex, whether giving or receiving (more so at receiving, I think; I am a fanatic about keeping down below clean and no matter how much I do so, I still always feel dirty so the idea of someone putting their mouth down there fucking grosses me out beyond belief). Surely I cannot be the only person on earth who feels that way, but I am starting to think that I am. 

I was just on Yahoo Answers and there was some kid complaining because he is 14 years old and still a virgin. I....I don't even know where to begin with that.

Random Thoughts

What was with this weekend and fights breaking out in food courts? I have heard of at least 3 malls where that occurred. Is this something new?

I can't believe a week ago I was fretting over not having my shopping done and I had to drag my mother out on Sunday night to get the last 2 things I needed and now Christmas is over. What the hell? The last 4 months of the year are strange- you have the excitement of fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas pushes its way in somewhere in that point and it's all up in your face for weeks and then BAM it's gone. And then it's months of cold dark dreariness. It's so damn depressing. Especially when one by one all of the decorations start coming down and everything is bare and depressing. I never understand people who rush to take their decorations down. Then again, if I lived on my own, I'd probably be one of those people who would be getting notices a month or more after Christmas telling me I need to take my decorations down.

And I miss the Christmas music. I wish maybe just until New Years, the stations would continue to play it. Maybe just not all of the time like before Christmas. Thank God for my Christmas music playlist and the Music Choice Sounds of the Season station. Some stores are still playing it as well. I was in Acme earlier and heard 2 Christmas songs mixed in with regular songs, one of which was "The Walker" by Fitz and the Tantrums. I thought that was pretty awesome.

Woke up this morning feeling warm and sweaty again. I wish I could explain well what I experience. When you read up on night sweats, it sounds like people wake up soaked. I don't have that problem. I just feel warm and a little sweaty, but I also have this weird mild chilled feeling while feeling warm as well. Like I can't just kick off the covers because if I do so, I'll get even colder. It's almost like some parts of my body are warm and some are chilled. To say that I am starting to get really scared and freaked out is an understatement. I also started fretting over the fact that my period has come 35 days the past 2 months and then a whole other host of things crammed their way in and I didn't fall back asleep for awhile. My body temperature is feeling kind of weird right now (kind of warm, but feeling kind of cold) and I am starting to feel really anxious.

I am also obsessed with looking at the area behind my crown. I can't tell if it's swollen and I am worried that food got stuck in it and is going to cause an infection. IT NEVER STOPS.

I have been so damn depressed lately. And something that has been plaguing me is I keep thinking, will everyone be around for the next Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc? And the thought of everyone not being around is so unbearable I want to start screaming and never stop. And thoughts of horrible things happening to my loved ones keep plaguing my mind and sometimes it gets so bad I just want to start banging my head against the wall to make it stop. And people wonder why I don't want to be a mother? I'd end up in the hospital because my nerves would be completely shot worrying about the kid, although look at all of the being over-protective and worrying the mother of my friend who died in the car accident did and look at where that got her.

Oh, and I am beyond tired of feeling bad and guilty about EVERYTHING. I swear, if I knew it would be a positive experience and I wouldn't have a massive bill afterwards, I would admit myself to the hospital, although I have no specific plans to hurt myself so they might not even take me. But I doubt that I would ever do that again, although I have to say I am a hell of a lot less patient and a hell of a lot more on edge, irritable and cranky than when I was previously there, so I doubt very much I would allow any of the techs to talk to me the way I allowed them to before.

I am dreading going back to work tomorrow, although 1) I don't have to do my usual job tomorrow and 2) my boss won't be in until later in the day. I am dreading being sang to, though. And I am dreading what kind of cake I am going to be receiving. I'm an idiot- I should have just explicitly said what I wanted. This is why I never get anywhere in life- because even as something as simple as saying what kind of cake I like I can't even bring myself to stand up and say what I want.

And I am also not looking forward to New Years.

Random Thoughts

Ugh, I am done with this nausea. I am done with the spotting and bleeding, the cramping, the watching what kind of discharge I have around the time I should be ovulating. Every time I look at what kind of discharge I am having, I feel like one of those women desperate to have a baby and keep track of their cervical mucus, minus the whole desperate to have a baby part.

And I am tired of my hands either being cold or getting red and hot. Right now all of my fingers on my left hand are red and hot and on my right hand, all of my fingers are red and hot and my ring finger is cold. I am starting to worry that this is all hormone related as well. And the sad thing is, the more I stress over this, the worse my hormones are going to get. At this point, I am surprised my adrenal glands haven't completely crapped out on me from all of the stress I put on them.

I also wish I knew what was the reasoning behind the 2 nights of feeling hot. Was it hormones? Was I just simply hot? I doubt it, because I was sleeping under the same amount of covers and I was wearing a t-shirt as opposed to the normal flannels I wear. Was it from the overabundance of sugar-laden carbs?

I was on a certain gossip site last night and there was an article about that Azealia Banks chick ranting about wanting reparations for slavery and before I went into the comments, I anticipated a lot of "WHERES MAH REPARATIONS WHITE DEVILS" comments but was somewhat surprised to find the comments kind of didn't go in that direction. Oh, but that doesn't mean there weren't some nasty comments and you know what? If you believe every person in a certain race is evil, then I feel sorry for you. There is evil in every race and there is good in every race and that is just sad if you can't see that. And then for people to slam people of their own race for realizing that is even fucking sadder. There were black people in these comments- well, claiming to be, although I still think they're all really privileged white girls- tearing into other blacks for not thinking all white people are evil. That's just pathetic. Then again, I think the people on this site are the type you can't please no matter what you say or do. Hate a certain race? RACIST. Love a certain race and show appreciation for it? Then you suffer from "white guilt" and partake in "culture appropriation" and are trying to steal their culture with your "white privilege". THERE IS NO WIN.

I decided to read up on spinal surgery last night- I DON'T KNOW WHY- and much of the article talked about fractures and spinal cord injuries and the more I read, the more I kept telling myself stop reading, you're only going to upset yourself. But did I listen to myself? Noo. And did I get upset? Yes. I am starting to become more convinced that if I ever decide to attempt suicide, there is a very high chance That Thing is going to be the reason behind it.

Random Thoughts

Boy, my mind is really turning into one sadistic bastard.

One of my coworkers sent out an email a few weeks ago inviting all of us to her house for a Christmas party this Saturday. Naturally it slipped my mind and I never got around to letting her know if I would come or not. Now I won't deny that I am partly at fault because I forgot, but then again, why wouldn't she ask people if they were coming or not if they didn't give her an answer? Things slip people's minds, you know. Before she left today, she said to everyone "see you tomorrow" and then told to me to have a nice weekend. One of my coworkers asked me before I left if I was going and I was kind of caught off guard and at first didn't say anything, then just said that I was going to dinner for my birthday and wasn't sure if I could make it. Anything to make me come off more as an asocial pariah. Why do I have to be so goddamn awkward? The sad thing about social phobia is you end up coming off exactly how you fear coming off to people.

The other day in work, my boss gave me a patient's office visit note to add to a report. The original report was done by my FWA. Before I added in when I needed to add in, I decided to look at what my FWA typed compared to what was in the records. Maybe I over think shit too much, but JFC, she really leaves a lot out. In fact, she didn't even make one mention of the person attending physical therapy- in the report or the bibliography. She had an x-ray arthrogram and an MRI arthrogram as just plain old x-rays and a plain old MRI. On Friday, I had to add in radiology results to another report she had done before and she didn't even mention for the doctor visit before the test that the doctor had ordered the MRI. I can't even begin to imagine how much shit she leaves out in all of her reports. No wonder she gets shit done so quickly.

I was in the bathroom earlier at work and I happened to look down below and I thought omg, do I (as in the labia minora area) look smaller? Is it atrophied?! The fact that I have been feeling kind of irritated and at times, kind of itchy down below isn't helping. Neither is the fact that my bladder has been bothering me. Now I am back to pulling my mirror off the wall and looking down below. I am worried I am having dryness and whenever I am in the bathroom, I feel around for any.

The good news is I am finally going to be seeing a gynecologist that is willing to do blood work on me. The bad news is I cannot see him until the end of January. I hate waiting that long, but I have been worried about this for what now? Over a year or so? What's another month, right?

I ran to the mall on Wednesday night and I am sorry I did. When I saw what I saw, I should have just turned around and parked somewhere else. But no, I didn't. And I ended up in a worse mood than I already was in. Started having some pretty strong suicidal ideation as well.

And because I don't make myself look bad enough all of the time, why don't I go ahead and make myself look even worse? When That Thing flares up, seeing or hearing about disabled people is incredibly difficult. Like to the point where if I see one, like on Wednesday night, I want to have a meltdown that would make a toddler envious. You know the scene in Girl, Interrupted when they're all doing exercises- I believe they're to imagine themselves as trees or something- and Janet starts to flip the fuck out? Yeah, like that. Just not screaming "That is not fair! Seventy-four is the perfect weight!". I actually don't know what I would want to scream. Instead, my mood just abruptly changes and everyone gets pissed off at me for getting into a bad mood for no apparent reason, while I just want to scream because I can't tell anyone why my mood changed.

God, I am a terrible person.

I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. WHY DID IT HAVE TO COME BACK?

FUCK

I am so damn anxious and depressed right now I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't know what my problem is, although I can tell you right now I am fully convinced my hormones are completely by this. I had a migraine last night and am convinced it's just another sign I am in perimenopause. Why must every fucking symptom I have have to be a sign of menopause? Can I just have one goddamn symptom that isn't a symptom of it? I am so damn overwhelmed I just want to break down and cry and cry and cry until I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore. The good news is I have no real desire to hurt myself or anything, but the not so good news is I would fully welcome going to bed and never waking up again.

I was on my bike when I came home from work and a jewelry commercial came on. If you know the gist of That Thing, then you'll know which one I am talking about and you'll (possibly) understand why I wanted to take the 3 pound hand weight I was holding and hurl it at the TV screen. I didn't need this to come back. I really didn't. I just want to go to some doctor and scream "For the love of God, please explain to me why a perfectly able-bodied person no longer wants to be, because I sure as fuck don't understand why!".

I just....

Bleh

Woke up around 4:15AM feeling very warm and a little sweaty. Got out of bed and walked around some and then got back in to bed and pulled the covers up and immediately felt very warm again (for the record, I was sleeping with the same amount of covers I always do). I eventually fell back asleep and then woke up and briefly felt warm again. Right now I feel chilled, nauseous, and very anxious.

I don't think there is a point where I ever feel good anymore.

Merry fucking holidays.

Random Thoughts

Well, that was a quick 3.5 day weekend. Friday ended up not being too bad of a day. It just ended up being super cold and one of the main reasons I wanted to go to Peddler's was to see it lit up at night and we didn't even get to do that. Oh, and then there was the whole my brother-in-law could barely stay awake driving and was also tailgating people big time. At one point, we were doing over 80 mph and I don't think he was even 2 car lengths behind the car in front of us. And instead of just going around them, he rides their ass until they get over into the other lane. I swear, I have never met someone so fucking stubborn and arrogant in my life as my BIL.

And then when we went to dinner, at one point I seen him stare at my parents with that look on his face and I felt like throwing something at him. It's pretty funny that my sister can't stand how her mother-in-law stares at people and doesn't realize that her own husband does it as well. Then again, there are a lot of things her in-laws do that she doesn't seem to realize her husband does as well. Like how he acts like an impatient arrogant asshole like his father or how he acts like a know-it-all like his mother. It's amazing how oblivious she is to shit sometimes.

I hate those Big Lots holiday commercials so much. I also hate those Wayfair commercials. That song is so unbelievably annoying. And what in the hell kind of crack is Kmart's marketing team smoking? I just saw that commercial with the pregnant women stripper dancing the other night and almost puked my face off. And the one with the men using their beer bellies as drums.....ew. Do people really find this shit funny? Why are so many commercials so annoying nowadays?

Speaking of funny, I don't know why I never checked it out before, but not too long ago I decided to start reading the comments on Cracked.com's Facebook page. I can't decide whether the Facebook comments or the actual Cracked page's comments are funnier. Or on par. There was a photoplasty contest that popped up on my newsfeed back in October and one of the pictures was of Dr. House as an android looking thing and it was something about artificial intelligence coming to medicine and I knew before I even opened the comments that there was going to be multiple House jokes and at least one reference to lupus. I was not disappointed. When I came across the comment that said "error: lupus not found", I guffawed for about 10 minutes. 

And speaking of laughing hard, on Friday I was over on the Berry and there was a section of pictures called Doing Things Differently Photos and a little ways down, there was a picture of a wheelchair parked in a handicapped parking spot and I cackled for about 5 minutes, followed by a feeling of immense discomfort and then immense depression. I was thinking one day how I have said before that I need to just start accepting I am always going to be an outcast and then I thought about how much of one I would become if I ever told anyone about That Thing. 

I didn't end up having any bouts of hot sweatiness during lunch, but then again, my soup wasn't super hot. I did feel a little bit warm the whole time I was eating lunch, but I think a lot of that had to do with my being anxious that I was going to end up super hot and sweaty. It also appears that It has decided to grace me with its presence again. I still don't know why it does that. All I know is I am beyond sick and tired of being worried I am going through perimenopause.

Ugh

I did my normal routine today of bike, shower, and coffee and while I was in the midst of drinking my coffee, I got real hot and sweaty. To be fair, I did have a very hot shower, but now all I keep thinking if, was it a hot flash? And I am planning on having soup for lunch and now I am worried the same thing is going to happen.

And yes, my monthly bitch did finally come on Thursday (35 days again) and now there is no sign of it. It does have the tendency to disappear for a little bit around this time and then come back, but now all I keep thinking it, what if it doesn't come back like it normally does?

And So On

Period still is not fully here. I have been up since about 4:30AM. Plus my nose and mouth are very dry and I am very stuffy and all I keep thinking is they are all just more signs.

I have really had it with this.

Random Thoughts

My FWA called out "sick" today. God help us all if we're all still together when her brat goes to school. Then she'll be calling out every other day because either the brat is sick or she "caught" something from the brat. Or even more horrifying- she'll have more than one brat.

I think my monthly bitch is finally coming on. I won't relax until it fully comes on, of course, although that will probably be a short-lived bliss, because at some point it will occur to me that my period could end too soon or too late or come too early next month or too late or not ever again and then I will freak the fuck out all over again. And now I am worried that the time between my periods is going to start getting longer and longer and I am very worried why physically and emotionally I am such a mess before my period and around ovulation time.

Here We Go Again

Second straight morning of waking up way earlier than I needed to be and being unable to fall back asleep. I am nauseous, cranky, anxious, crampy, and my boobs hurt even more. I am on day 33 and it is still not here and I am getting very anxious over when and if it's coming. And now I am wondering why it's coming later again and is that going to be a new thing and will it eventually start to come even later and further apart.

7:23PM: Still not here. I am about to freak the fuck out.

As if I wasn't in a bad enough mood this morning, I open my email at work and I have an email from my boss telling me I have to sit up front because my FWA can't come in until 12:30. This is the 3rd week in a row where she came in late one day. This is getting fucking ridiculous now. It it going to be a weekly thing now, coming in late one morning?

And because it was a doctor day, which meant if I sat up front I would have had to deal with patients, which I am pretty awful about doing, and being in the snippy mood I was in, I went in and not too kindly reminded my boss that the one who plays on her phone all the time was going to be in as well, because apparently the dumbass forgot.

And then not only that, the little brazen bitch didn't show up until 1. I would love to know where in the hell she is getting the paid time off to keep taking this many half days.

I just saw some headline on Facebook that Columbia law students want delays on their exams because they are too distressed from the Brown and Garner cases. Really? This is the future of American law? I think these people need to reconsider their career path. What will they do if and when they lose a case? These people are going to be eaten alive in the courtroom.

9:49PM: And here comes the anxiety from hell. My chest is tight, my heart is racing, I'm nauseous....WHY WON'T IT JUST COME ALREADY? And right now all I want to do is cry and cry and cry until I can't cry anymore. For the love of God, WHY CAN'T I JUST CRY ALREADY?

Random Thoughts

Good god, work SUCKS so much right now! I am too damn slow to have to work at a fast pace, especially on such big ass files. I have never felt so damn inadequate as I do right now! I am already so damn stressed out about Monday and this whole upcoming week and I am worried that they're going to try to take part of our Thanksgiving break away from us. After all of the overtime I have been putting in, and will probably be putting in, I desperately need this break.

And to add more to my stress levels, I have been very crampy this week, especially in my right side towards the hip area. Sometimes it's across the whole lower abdomen, sometimes it's across the whole lower back, sometimes both, sometimes it's just in the lower left side, and many times it spreads down my thighs. Right now it's on the right side right above my hip bone and spreading to the side and around the back. I wish I could describe the pain better, but all I can describe it as is similar to menstrual cramps. And again, it's not a terrible pain, but it is very uncomfortable. And when it gets maximum uncomfortable, I feel like I am just going to start bleeding any second.

And I have been having brown spotting since Tuesday. And- don't continue reading if you don't like TMI and/or are squeamish- a few times I have wiped in the bathroom and gotten these sticky blobs that resemble- I'm sorry for the description- chocolate pudding. A few times there has been blood. What the fuck is going on with my women parts? At this point, I am ready to tell a doctor to take my fucking uterus already. Yes, I am well aware I would be thrown into one of my biggest fears right now, menopause, but it's one thing if I CHOOSE to enter menopause. It's a whole other story if my body decides to enter it on its own accord at the wrong time.

I tried to figure out what exactly it is about menopause that terrifies me so much and I don't really know why it does. I am completely baffled what it is. The only thing I can think is that I would somehow blame myself for it happening, that I did something to bring it on (my diet, etc). I also felt the same way about Addison's disease, but I have also [shamefully] admitted that I was afraid of having it because I didn't want to have to take steroids and get fat.

Ugh, I need to go to bed. My eyes and I are exhausted.

Fuck This

I have had it with these women problems. I have had it with the nausea, with feeling like my women parts are burning, with the spotting, with the bloating and alternating diarrhea and constipation (I don't doubt my hormones are involved in that), and most of all, I have had it with doctors not trying to find out what is going on and just pushing birth control on me. At this point, I am almost afraid to find out what my insides look like.

I am only on day 12 of my cycle and I am sick with worry that it is going to come early. I had to come home and exercise after work and just as I predicted, I had a little spotting later. I don't know what it is about coming home from work and exercising that brings on spotting, although last month I didn't have to come home and exercise any day and not only did I still spot, but it was worse than ever. I am absolutely terrified that I am going to have spotting like that again. That spotting episode has really shaken me up. And right now my lower left side is burning and I am so nauseous. The weird thing is, I am nauseous all the way up until my period comes, then it goes away, then my period goes away and the nausea comes back in. What is it about my period that gets rid of it? Because estrogen is at its lowest?

And then we get an email today asking for overtime all the way until December 5th. Because the bitchy at home worker is going to be on vacation from this Friday until December 5th. Which is pretty funny because we have all been told we can't take more than a week at a time and it cannot be at the end of the month. And what was even funnier was listening to my FWA rant about how people get special privileges. I never wanted to bitch slap her more than I did at that moment.

Random Thoughts

As if I didn't need any more proof that the influx of new ONTDers were delusional wack jobs, one day someone posted an article about musician I have never heard of stealing the bassline from "Electric Feel". Here is one genius comment:

Worst song to ever happen to music? Are you for real? Even if I wasn't a hardcore MGMT stan, I still would not call it the worst song to ever happen to music. Just look at the Billboard charts and you can find plenty of songs on there that are just downright awful.

God, there are some stupid people on that site anymore.

And yes, I still stan hard for MGMT. I know I haven't discussed them much lately, but oh damn do I still adore them. I can't believe it's already been almost 1 year since I saw them last. I NEED TO SEE THEM AGAIN. My crush on Andrew has kind of cooled down. Don't get me wrong- I still think he is flawless as hell and I would marry him in a heartbeat and have a million babies with him (maybe), but he's moved from being the king of my celebrity crushes to the hall of celebrities I will eternally love (although frankly I find labeling him a celebrity to be insulting). The throne is pretty much open, although I have to say I have kind of developed a fascination with that Simon guy (from Kuroma). He's hot. You want to talk guys with strange hair? There you go. It's more normal looking now, but still pretty out there. Normally I wouldn't care for guys who bleach their hair, but for some reason or another, it works for him. Also, I wish I could find the link again (too lazy to look for it again) but there is a picture of him and Andrew and apparently they have matching tattoos. I....I don't know what to think of that.

And speaking of MGMT, fan pictures are posted a lot on that one Tartlr page I follow and I always have to laugh at how the girls in the pictures are always like "me and Andrew (or whichever band member) tee hee me looking all ugly tee hee". Aw, does someone need validation? Ugh, it's so annoying. Sure, I say I am ugly all of the time, but I genuinely mean it. I genuinely think I am hideous and no amount of reassurance from others can change my mind. These bitches just want all of their little Tartlr friends to rush in and say omg you SOOOOO don't look ugly!

And going back to stupid people, back when I first started back at my workplace, my manager told me that she'll generally allow us to go to appointments and if we're not using PTO, then we can take it unpaid as long as it is under 4 hours and we have a doctor's notes. And then she went on to tell me how notes weren't previously necessary but one day they found out an employee was leaving and saying she was going to a doctor's appointment, but was actually going to get her nails done. And I don't know how I didn't suspect it at the time, but I ended up finding out from one of my coworkers that the employee going to get her nails done was none other than my FWA. She really is one brazen bitch, isn't she? And the fact that she knowingly lied and was basically found out and is still there will forever boggle my mind. I am starting to feel like she could come in and shoot up the place and she would still have a job afterwards.

I finally decided on days to take off one night and the next day I went in with my list and when I opened my email, there was a message about our holiday luncheon and it was for one of the days I planned to take off. To say I was ecstatic is an understatement. When I gave my boss the dates she was all disappointed that I wanted off the date of the party and then started questioning why she even planned it for that day. I kept hinting that it wasn't a big deal. Not even 5 minutes after I left the office, we get an email that the date was changed. So now I am still stuck having to attend. I felt like upending my desk and screaming every curse word under the sun.

I just pure dread going into work now. I am so damn stressed out and it's affecting my work and now I am getting stressed because I don't feel I am pulling my weight, which in turn is making me even more stressed and affecting my work even more. It's a never ending cycle.

And speaking of stress and cycles, earlier I went to do something and leaned on my breasts and they hurt. And I have felt crampy in my lower back and thighs all day. Not to mention I have had episodes of dizziness, nausea, and some other not so pleasant things and now I am in panic overdrive that my period is going to come early, as these are symptoms I typically experience before it comes. Plus yesterday my heart was doing that thing where it feels like it stops, then starts up with a bang- another thing I sometimes experience before it comes. I have never so badly needed to talk to a doctor as I do now. My mind is so consumed over perimenopause that I could probably have a cancerous lump growing out of my head or my left arm ripped off and I wouldn't even notice. I am beyond desperate to know what is going on, although at this point, if it's something that could potentially be deadly, I really couldn't care.

Like I have said before, I can't imagine how awful someone must be feeling when they actually attempt suicide. I feel so horrible and I still can't bring myself to actually attempting it. Or even coming up with a plan for that matter. I can't even imagine feeling lower than I already do. I just think about death all of the damn time. I go out for a 10 minute walk during work and every time I walk along side the road, I think gee, what would happen if I were to throw myself in front of a car? That evil part of my brain practically has a boner if a tractor trailer is coming. Every time I see Christmas stuff I just want to cry. I can't stand how awful I feel. It's insufferable.

And going back to the 10 minute walk part, I briefly wondered if the fact that I started walking more if that is why I had that bizarre lengthy episode of spotting and I thought, JFC what am I supposed to do? Stop walking? Not something I should really be asking myself right now, eh? Also, quite a few times I have hurt my back and my mom always says "you need to watch out with back problems; you don't want to end up paralyzed or something". Oh Mom, if you only knew.