Random Thoughts

Yay, I am finally done with those stupid antibiotics! Except now I am super constipated! YAY!

Yesterday when I came home from work there was an envelope from my previous health insurance company. At first I thought it was something regarding their recent data breach, but instead it was an explanation of benefits for my gyno visit in February. For $444. Apparently the doctor's office not only billed my current insurance, they also decided to bill my previous insurance. They got payment from my current insurance, why the fuck would they bill another insurance company? Insurance I haven't had since 2011?!

Yesterday in work my FWA actually had the nerve to ask me if it would be too mean to invite everyone but the new woman to her baby's christening. I felt like saying well first off, I wouldn't invite my coworkers to anything in the first place, because unlike your pathetic ass, I don't think these people are my friends. But really, bitch? You're actually considering inviting everyone but one fucking person? And then a few minutes later say that you felt bad you didn't invite our most senior employee and our boss to your baby shower? You're damn right you should feel bad, especially with all of the shit our boss allows you to get away with!

Oh and while she is getting WIC and trying to get financial assistance for utility bills, she got herself another tattoo last week. And while the idea of it is admittedly kind of cute, the tattoo itself is fucking hideous. It's a giant butterfly, at least 3 inches in length, with her baby's name written in giant cursive underneath. And it's on her forearm. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so big. Oh, who am I kidding? That thing is fucking trashy looking no matter how big or small it is. It screams WHITE TRASH. Just like the person it's on.

One day she emailed me in work complaining about this new person who works at our sister company and does the same job we do and she was complaining about all of the mistakes the girl did and things she left out. Now I know that this girl does make a lot of mistakes and summarizes pretty bizarrely. But when I pulled up her report, aside from not mentioning that the person was attending physical therapy, there didn't really seem to be much wrong with it. My FWA complained that she left out the person's complaints at visits, but when I pulled up the medical records, there were no complaints listed in the reports. You can't put something in if it isn't there.

Besides, who is she to talk? She makes mistakes and leaves a lot of shit out herself. I see her leave out x-ray results from chiropractic visits a lot and diagnostic imaging is VERY important to mention. Or those times before where I have seen her misname the diagnostic imaging done (x-ray or MRI arthrograms were only down as x-rays or MRIs- sorry, honey, it's a big difference and our doctors have every right to know what test was specifically done).

And speaking of the devil, I was in Wal-Fart earlier and my mother and I had paid and were heading to the bathroom and as we passed women's clothing, I heard her before I seen her- my FWA. I took off like a bat out of hell. Just who I want to see on my day off!

Random Thoughts

I am shaking so bad inside from all of this shit. I am so bugged with this. And I am sick to my stomach how I am going to pull it off this week, because guess what? I am still going. I am going to have to try and get in and get a doctor's note somehow to get me out of work.

And you know what? Every thing I will tell the doctor will not be a lie, because I really am very close to having a breakdown right now. It's bad enough I have been going through a month of worrying from morning until night that I am going through early menopause, amongst other things. This has definitely shoved me closer to the edge. And my primary doctor already knows my mental health history. Hell, he was the one who put me out of work before, the week before my therapist sent me to that hell hole. I really cannot concentrate in work. I really am having trouble sleeping. I really am overwhelmed by everything. No lies whatsoever.

And if I get one and go to call out and am giving a hard time, I will simply say "I will not be in and when I come back I will give you my doctor's note. If you have a problem with this, then contact my doctor". And do you know why I will say that last part? Because HIPAA, that's why.

And like I said, if I end up getting fired, I honestly don't know what I will do to myself. I worry that I might take it bad enough to attempt suicide. With my state of my mind, it's very possible. And god help (not really) the poor soul who would have to deal with the wrath of my mother if that happened. Well, anyone in my family, but especially my mother.

And speaking of wrath, I am feeling the wrath of my period right now. Good God, I haven't had cramps like this in awhile. And they're mostly in the back, although right now they're centered directly over the uterine area and shooting through to my back. In work earlier, I not only was having nasty cramps across my back, but I also kept getting this stabbing pain in my rectum area that would make me grab onto the arms of my desk chair.

And to add more unneeded stress, I am closely watching my flow to see if it's lightening or getting heavier and I am sick with worry that it will end too early. JFC it never stops. I should be able to temporarily relax once my period comes on, but noo heaven forbid I ever be allowed to relax.

Thank God for "Siberian Breaks". That tends to be my go-to song when I need to relax. It doesn't help much, but it does help a little. You know, one day I saw a couple pictures of people's MGMT tattoos and I thought damn, even I don't think I could bring myself to do that. Then I had to remind myself that one night I made a pact with myself that if I still liked them 10 years from whatever year that was, I would get lyrics from "Siberian Breaks" tattooed somewhere on my body. Everyone keep that mind if this shithole is still in existence in a decade.

And speaking of tattoos, I've been itching for a new one.

I don't know why people in my neighborhood feel the need to set off fireworks after midnight on Friday nights. It sounds like shotguns and scares the hell out of me.

I don't know how I am ever going to sleep for the next several nights.

Random Thoughts

Ugh, for the past week, I have been having this dull cramping across my lower abdomen and across my back, and I have also been pretty nauseous. It almost feels like menstrual cramps, but then again it also resembles intestinal cramping. I am not technically due for my period until next weekend, but I do remember having aching like this before my last one, although I don't recall how long it was between the cramps starting and my period coming on. Then again, I don't really recall ever having cramping like this until I started the new probiotics, so maybe it is just intestinal. Or maybe it's both, I don't know. I just know it's annoying.

But the good news- knock on wood- is I only had two days of very light spotting. No more 4 to 5 days worth of spotting, with a couple of those days being actual bleeding. I still felt pretty shitty physically and emotionally. I am pretty much at the point of having one week out of a 4 week cycle of feeling semi-normal. I am dreading if I have PMS like last month. That was bad.

I still keep feeling like maybe I should have that pelvic ultrasound done, although I did just find out my prescription is for a transvaginal one and frankly, I am not that keen on the idea of sticking an ultrasound probe up my lady parts. I want to cry at the thought of it.

I was cleaning earlier and I started to feel not so hot, so of course the first thing I think is, I need to take my blood pressure. And when I did, it came up 100/61. I was not very calm after that. It hasn't run that low in a long time. Lately, it has been at coming up around 110/70. But boy it was nice when I went that long stretch of not even thinking about my blood pressure. Too bad that couldn't last. I'll probably go take it after I am done this.

Harry Styles displays his latest tattoo

GESU MARIA GIUSEPPE, HARRY! Ugh! I have nothing against tattoos (I have two myself, on each ankle. One is the size of a dime, the other is the size of a quarter. Half the time, I forget I even have them.), but he needs to stop.

ETA 9:49PM: My blood pressure was, oddly enough, a perfect 110/70.

Also, off and on all night, there has been this strange booming going on. Almost like thunder. Reminds me of some of the stories I have read in Weird NJ of booms. It's kind of freaky.

12:44AM: Maybe this was the cause of the booms?

Random Thoughts

I still want to be on vacation. It's been too damn hot in my neck of the woods. We had crazy storms on Friday that were supposed to cool everything down, but I thought it was still pretty hot.

My sister and I were in Wegmans when one of the worst storms came over. It was like a freaking monsoon outside. And then the power went out. I wanted to freak out.

We took a trip down Seaside on Saturday. Not much has changed. Still a bunch of disgusting fat people in bikinis, people who can't speak English (and break the rules in the bathrooms; there was a Spanish lady washing her kid in the sink, despite a big sign saying no washing of feet in sink right smack dab in the front of her, but I guess you will break rules when you refuse to learn English, right?), and New Yawkers. Oh and teen girls everywhere trying to get the attention of the Durrrsey Shur cast (who thankfully were not anywhere in sight).

I also happened to notice one of the piers was blasting "Feliz Navidad". Why, I have no idea.

I still do not understand the sudden influx of fatties in bikinis. Not just in Seaside, but down the other shore points and down in Myrtle Beach. I always used to say that just because it comes in your size doesn't mean you should wear it. Well, I would also like to add that just because you can get it on does not mean it fits nor should you wear it. For god's sake, no one wants to see your flab flopping all over the place. I know I have severe body image problems, so it should come as no surprise that it still takes a lot for me to want to put a bathing suit on. I am half the size of a lot of these fatties in bikinis and I still refuse to wear a bikini. And never will. I am not built for one.

I was starting to feel somewhat happy with my body, but now I am finding myself disliking it more and more again. I hate that I am never going to be happy with my body. I do realize that there are things I can't change, like how I have tree trunk legs and that my abs will never be flat due to my never-ending battle with constipation. Does that mean I have to like it? No.

It would be nice if one day I could find one redeeming quality about myself. This is a big part of the problem I have when it comes to job hunting. I cannot sell myself. I have never had a job where I did anything spectacular. This is why I bombed the Target interview so bad. Every question they asked me about things I did at a former job, I never did. If I didn't like how something was being done, I just sucked it up and did it. If I had a problem with another employer, I didn't bother going to a manager to complain, because I knew nothing would ever be done anyway. I have nothing to brag about. My former employers raved about me, but that does not help me in interviews. Oh, and I have never had a job I have been proud of. I generally do the best job I can, but this also does not help me in interviews. All I want to do when I go into interviews is say, look, I cannot sell myself to you, but if you hire me, you have my word that you will not be sorry.

It just astonishes me that I allowed someone to break me down as bad I am. And it angers me that I allowed it to happen and continue to allow it to bother me. I am fully aware that I need to move on. But actually doing so is a whole other story. I get tired of people telling me that it's just words, blah blah blah. I was 12 years-old. Being teased at that age about your body is like pressing your finger in clay before it completely hardens. The clay will harden, but that finger hole will still be there.

I just finished reading one of James Patterson's latest books and there was part where the main character talks about what happened to her breaking her down, and when she was put back together, she was not the same person. And I realized that should I ever be able to finally pull it together again, I will never be the same person. Now if it's a much better person, then hell I am all for it. I never quite got it completely together after the first breakdown I had, but what I did get back together, I can vouch that I was still not the same person. Then again, I truly believe that I am not the same person after quitting Effexor. And I wish there was a way to fix that. Now I know I have said I would never put Effexor near my mouth again, but if it takes going back on Effexor to restore some of what I was before I quit it, I would do it. I just want to feel normal again.

I still seem to be doing good with finally believing that I do not have Addison's disease. Or else I have just finally reached the point where I stopped giving a shit. Will it continue to last? Will another "disease crisis" come along that will make me wish I was still scared I had Addison's? I just went and read back through last summer's posts when I was scared I had a stress fracture. It sounds so miniscule, but I really was truly terrified that I had one. And do you know why it freaked me out so much? Because even though it would have been temporary, the idea of losing my independence made me want to lose my freaking mind. Oh, and I was afraid of weight gain. That was one of the things that made me freak out at the idea of having Addison's. It's horrible and it's so vain, but I am truly that terrifed of gaining weight.

On another note, when I was down Seaside, some dude walked by me with a giant tattoo on his chest of what I assume is one of his brats. And it was creepy as hell. Okay, I can understand people wanting to remember someone who died or whatever, but tattoos of people's faces are just creepy. I just looked at it and thoughts oh god why?!

And speaking of creepy, check out this picture from last week's Best Photos Of The Week on the Berry. That was one of the best galleries I have ever seen; I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. But there was something about that particular picture that made me laugh the hardest. I think it may have been the FML added at the end.

I am so wired right now. And just waiting for the inevitable crash.