Now that I can finally get around to explaining those two posts with the Super Fuuu guy pictures. The first one was after having to stay over an hour after my shift ended waiting for three files to be prepped (a job that should take 20 minutes at the most). The second one was obviously in response to finding out my job was being terminated and in response to my teeth bothering me.
So yeah, I am losing my job. We had a meeting and I had a feeling when the meeting was first mentioned that it was not going to be good news. Generally not many meetings in our office involve as many people as were emailed about it. That was the big tip off to me. As soon as the head honcho mentioned that most of the work that is normally done in our place was going to be done somewhere else, I immediately knew my job was going to be one of those jobs. I was sick to my stomach. All I could think while I was sitting there was, I can't believe this, I am losing my job.
I am not going to deny that a small part of me is a little relieved. But losing a job in this economy and after finally feeling like you are a little back on your feet again is a huge blow. There was a lot I hated about it, although I'd say 99% of the hatred was all of the drama in the office, but I didn't mind my actual job all that much (it was just a little boring at times) and I thought the company was a pretty decent place to work for. I was offered a position at the other place, but I can't do that commute. It would not be worth it, between gas, tolls, wear and tear, and what I get paid.
And the thing that made me the most sick (talk about screwed up priorities) was when I realized unless by some miracle he appears before I leave, I am never going to get to see MGG again. I felt like my heart was literally going to burst when I realized that. I cried instead. I cried a lot that day. I cried that I was losing my job. I cried seeing other people cried. I cried over never possibly seeing MGG again. I cried because I didn't feel good. And then the whole damn dam burst open in my head and a million other things flooded into my head and I cried over them too.
I went to the doctors tonight, which I didn't see my normal doctor and did not care very much for the doctor I saw. The whole visit has me in a Super Fuuu mood so I am not going to discuss it right now (a Super Fuuu mood, as I have named it, is when I am so angry over something that discussing it is just not wise unless I want to wind up either in a psychiatric facility again or in a regular hospital after having a heart attack or stroke, both of which I am surprised I have not had yet). Apparently I have benign paroxysmal positional vertigo, though.
Showing posts with label Mystery Guy From Georgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mystery Guy From Georgia. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Random Thoughts
So we had an earthquake the other day! I am sure if you live in the Northeast, you are well aware of it. If not, where the fuck do you live? In a cave? I was sitting in my car on lunch and I had just gotten off the phone with my mother and all of a sudden my car starts rocking, like someone jumping on the trunk ledge. I thought maybe someone was playing a joke on me so I swing around and don't see anyone back there. So I look out the windshield at the trees to see if maybe the wind had picked up. But the trees are still. I look at a coworker's car and it too is rocking back and forth. At this point I was a little freaked out and thinking what the fuck is going on? I decide to go inside and as I am walking back in, two of my coworkers come outside and start freaking out, asking me if I felt the shaking. Then the rest of my coworkers, as well as the other businesses (including the one Mystery Guy From Georgia, or MGG as he will be known from this point on, came out of; I secretly wished, but no luck. I have thought about actually looking up the company's webpage to see if maybe, just maybe, he is an executive of some sort and there is a picture. But honestly? I am a little nervous, almost bashful, to actually see his face. Okay I am just rambling now.), came outside. We all stayed outside for a little bit and then went back in. I was still on lunch so I went on Facebook and like everyone was flipping out. A couple postings confirmed it was a quake.
It still amazes me how everyone reacted to this. People were acting ridiculous over it. My evening local news talked about it almost the entire 2.5 hours it was on and later on the 11 news too. Everyone on my FB page was flipping out that it was the end of the world. I was like people, please! It's not the end of the world! And even if it was, is that such a bad thing?! I don't think it is!
And you know the weird thing? I felt so weird all Tuesday morning. I did not feel right at all. At one point I was in the bathroom and I kept thinking, if I go unconscious while I am work, I am going to freak out (you know, when I regain consciousness). And it went away after the quake hit.
The best posting I saw in response to the quake was none other than the Sitch's friend the Unit (yes, I fanned him on FB. I have absolutely no idea why, so don't bother asking.):
I think I found someone who could possibly out-ego the Sitch; for God's sakes, I don't know how the two can be in the same room without causing the Earth to collapse into itself. Speaking of Mike, if he makes one more FB posting with the word "twinning" in it, I am going to kick him in the nuts.
And now we have the possibility of Irene hitting us?! Now THAT is freaking me out.
Work as usual is drama drama drama. Every day I have to hear my WA whine about how it's so unfair that she is not allowed to get up and talk to her friend for 10 minutes and I just want to bang my head repeatedly against the wall and scream "YOU ARE BACK THERE MORE THAN 10 MINUTES! GET A FUCKING TIMER!". And the even more annoying part is her friend also insists it's only about 10 minutes! Look, I know my touch with reality is a little out of whack, but what the fuck planet do I live on where someone is back from 3:30 to 4:30 and that is 10 minutes? Even if she doesn't go back at 3:30, it's still always more than 10 minutes! I can't stand it. I really can't. And I can't stand the incessant whining of "oh it's okay for others to talk, but I spend all day in my office and get up and go back and talk for 10 minutes and get in trouble!". Listen. LISTEN! I have said it before and will do so again- just because others do it DOES NOT MAKE IT OKAY!
And I am tired of how she comes dressed to work. She looks like a fucking whore. And she is one of those people that dresses like a whore and then whines that people are checking her out.
Her friend got written up for her time and my WA actually admitted that her friend does come to work late, but that it is because her husband is a deadbeat and doesn't help with the kids. Look, I like this lady and all, but I am sorry that is not an excuse. I mean, she already comes in later than the rest of the office. But that's right. The almighty child always can be used as an excuse for everything in the work place. I have one coworker who refuses to stay late at all because she has kids. I mean, when everything gets nuts, everyone without kids is always expected to pick up the slack. No, I choose the SMART decision to not shit out a child and I am expected to do everyone else's work because they did. After all, we have no lives or loved ones, right? I don't have parents or sister or grandparents or anything I want to spend time with. One day I won't have a husband I want to go home to and take care of and spend time with (maybe).
Fucking child-centric society.
It still amazes me how everyone reacted to this. People were acting ridiculous over it. My evening local news talked about it almost the entire 2.5 hours it was on and later on the 11 news too. Everyone on my FB page was flipping out that it was the end of the world. I was like people, please! It's not the end of the world! And even if it was, is that such a bad thing?! I don't think it is!
And you know the weird thing? I felt so weird all Tuesday morning. I did not feel right at all. At one point I was in the bathroom and I kept thinking, if I go unconscious while I am work, I am going to freak out (you know, when I regain consciousness). And it went away after the quake hit.
The best posting I saw in response to the quake was none other than the Sitch's friend the Unit (yes, I fanned him on FB. I have absolutely no idea why, so don't bother asking.):
I think I found someone who could possibly out-ego the Sitch; for God's sakes, I don't know how the two can be in the same room without causing the Earth to collapse into itself. Speaking of Mike, if he makes one more FB posting with the word "twinning" in it, I am going to kick him in the nuts.
And now we have the possibility of Irene hitting us?! Now THAT is freaking me out.
Work as usual is drama drama drama. Every day I have to hear my WA whine about how it's so unfair that she is not allowed to get up and talk to her friend for 10 minutes and I just want to bang my head repeatedly against the wall and scream "YOU ARE BACK THERE MORE THAN 10 MINUTES! GET A FUCKING TIMER!". And the even more annoying part is her friend also insists it's only about 10 minutes! Look, I know my touch with reality is a little out of whack, but what the fuck planet do I live on where someone is back from 3:30 to 4:30 and that is 10 minutes? Even if she doesn't go back at 3:30, it's still always more than 10 minutes! I can't stand it. I really can't. And I can't stand the incessant whining of "oh it's okay for others to talk, but I spend all day in my office and get up and go back and talk for 10 minutes and get in trouble!". Listen. LISTEN! I have said it before and will do so again- just because others do it DOES NOT MAKE IT OKAY!
And I am tired of how she comes dressed to work. She looks like a fucking whore. And she is one of those people that dresses like a whore and then whines that people are checking her out.
Her friend got written up for her time and my WA actually admitted that her friend does come to work late, but that it is because her husband is a deadbeat and doesn't help with the kids. Look, I like this lady and all, but I am sorry that is not an excuse. I mean, she already comes in later than the rest of the office. But that's right. The almighty child always can be used as an excuse for everything in the work place. I have one coworker who refuses to stay late at all because she has kids. I mean, when everything gets nuts, everyone without kids is always expected to pick up the slack. No, I choose the SMART decision to not shit out a child and I am expected to do everyone else's work because they did. After all, we have no lives or loved ones, right? I don't have parents or sister or grandparents or anything I want to spend time with. One day I won't have a husband I want to go home to and take care of and spend time with (maybe).
Fucking child-centric society.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Picture Of The Day
I'm sorry, it's been almost 2 months. I am about to lose my mind!!!
The face does justice, but not the boobs. Ah. If only mine looked like that.
I realized one day that it probably was a good thing I never really got a look at his face, because if he was actually cute, I'd really be losing it wanting to see him again. But if I do not find his face attractive, then maybe I could stop worrying about seeing him a third time. But then again, there is that whole other matter of what I find attractive that would still be hanging around.
The face does justice, but not the boobs. Ah. If only mine looked like that.
I realized one day that it probably was a good thing I never really got a look at his face, because if he was actually cute, I'd really be losing it wanting to see him again. But if I do not find his face attractive, then maybe I could stop worrying about seeing him a third time. But then again, there is that whole other matter of what I find attractive that would still be hanging around.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Random Thoughts
As I said before, my bone scan was normal. No fracture or anything. It took a few days, but it finally started to sink in that maybe there really was not one. Don't think I still have totally given up on pressing different areas every so often. Eventually, it should hopefully go away.
The bitches at the imaging center apparently were not lying to me. My bone scan was $686. Luckily, I still have money in my insurance fund. I thought for sure that would have wiped it out, plus cost me money, since I would have still owed money on my deductible.
We had a patient in work today who reminded me of Curly. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
We got an email in work one day reminding us of the dress code and there was something about low cut shirts and my WA came back complaining and then opens up her sweatshirt and shows me her top. Her tits were hanging out in the middle pretty good. I felt like saying, bitch, are you for real? That top was completely inappropriate for work! But then again, most of the crap she wears is not exactly work appropriate. For one, she comes in with jean or khaki capris on all the time, all of which are several sizes too small for her. And the tops? Also too small. And she has a knack for wearing colored bras under white shirts. One day when I was kind of out of it, I had put a black bra on under a white top and when I realized it, I complained about my stupidity and she said something about having a red bra on under her white top and then said it wasn't a big deal. I wanted to say well maybe not to you it isn't, but I don't like to look like a fucking whore.
She said something today she hasn't said in a while- she had thought she was pregnant, her period was a few days late. I flat out ignored her. I just can't with these "pregnancy scares" anymore.
I am starting to feel very paranoid anymore whenever I am interacting with people and it's really bothering me. Every time I talk to people, I am feel like I am being patronized or they are only agreeing with me for the sake of agreeing with me or they are trying to see how stupid I am or they are trying to trick me into admitting to doing something. And on top of having a terrible attention span, I am also having a difficult time listening to people because I am so preoccupied with how they are preceiving me. I am getting to the point of not want to socialize at all.
It's been well over a month now and I still have seen no hide or hair of that guy. And it's depressing me to the point of actually filling with tears whenever I think about it or if I see one of those ugly ass Toyotas. Jesus I am pathetic. I even dreamt about him last night and in the dream, holy mother of God, was he cute. I am telling you right now- if I EVER look out and see it out there, I am going to do one of two things- 1) cry 2) let out a shriek like Dr. Zoidberg lets out in "Roswell That Ends Well" when the CIA or FBI or whatever detains him and leaves him food and he says something about wishing he had his wallet and they tell him the food is free.
The bitches at the imaging center apparently were not lying to me. My bone scan was $686. Luckily, I still have money in my insurance fund. I thought for sure that would have wiped it out, plus cost me money, since I would have still owed money on my deductible.
We had a patient in work today who reminded me of Curly. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
We got an email in work one day reminding us of the dress code and there was something about low cut shirts and my WA came back complaining and then opens up her sweatshirt and shows me her top. Her tits were hanging out in the middle pretty good. I felt like saying, bitch, are you for real? That top was completely inappropriate for work! But then again, most of the crap she wears is not exactly work appropriate. For one, she comes in with jean or khaki capris on all the time, all of which are several sizes too small for her. And the tops? Also too small. And she has a knack for wearing colored bras under white shirts. One day when I was kind of out of it, I had put a black bra on under a white top and when I realized it, I complained about my stupidity and she said something about having a red bra on under her white top and then said it wasn't a big deal. I wanted to say well maybe not to you it isn't, but I don't like to look like a fucking whore.
She said something today she hasn't said in a while- she had thought she was pregnant, her period was a few days late. I flat out ignored her. I just can't with these "pregnancy scares" anymore.
I am starting to feel very paranoid anymore whenever I am interacting with people and it's really bothering me. Every time I talk to people, I am feel like I am being patronized or they are only agreeing with me for the sake of agreeing with me or they are trying to see how stupid I am or they are trying to trick me into admitting to doing something. And on top of having a terrible attention span, I am also having a difficult time listening to people because I am so preoccupied with how they are preceiving me. I am getting to the point of not want to socialize at all.
It's been well over a month now and I still have seen no hide or hair of that guy. And it's depressing me to the point of actually filling with tears whenever I think about it or if I see one of those ugly ass Toyotas. Jesus I am pathetic. I even dreamt about him last night and in the dream, holy mother of God, was he cute. I am telling you right now- if I EVER look out and see it out there, I am going to do one of two things- 1) cry 2) let out a shriek like Dr. Zoidberg lets out in "Roswell That Ends Well" when the CIA or FBI or whatever detains him and leaves him food and he says something about wishing he had his wallet and they tell him the food is free.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Random Thoughts
It's Friday and I'm doing what I always do- having a date with Moe, Larry, and Curly; then a date with Moe, Larry, and Shemp; then the former again, then the latter, and so on for 3 hours.
I hate my life.
Actually, it is kind of okay tonight to just not do anything. I did get to go out last night. My sister and I went to dinner and then to see the Hangover 2, which I actually laughed a lot more at than I thought I would. But in the grand tradition of things, we got stuck with three girls sitting behind us who are of the genetically unable to STFU at the movies makeup. I wanted one of those monk sticks to hit them everytime they opened their obnoxious ass mouths. Laughing obnoxiously, making comments every 5 seconds, at one point one of the brats decided to take pictures of the monkey. I just don't understand what happened to manners. And god forbid you ask them to shut up. Then you get lip. I don't get that. If I was being a little heathen and someone asked me to stop, I did. I didn't talk back or tell anyone to fuck off or anything (but I certainly thought it).
I can't figure out why exactly it was so funny, but my sister and I were laughing so hard at the part when they played "The Downeaster Alexa" by Billy Joel.
So I have heard that there were reports of the Durrrsey Shur cast being replaced. Everything I have read on it conflicts with each other. They are, they aren't. I wouldn't put it past Moron TV to say that no, they are not being replaced and then at the end of the 5th season taping, they say that the show is no longer going to continue. After all, some of the cretins do have spin-offs, which I am curious to see how the viewership of those goes. Even as much as I fucking love the Sitch, I don't know if I would have any interest in watching a spin-off. Who would he create drama with?
Look at this picture of the stupid son of a bitch. Look at that face. I can literally see the wheels turning in his head as he thinks about what he can do to exacerbate the er, situation.
I never get spin-offs when it comes to reality shows. The shows generally end due to drop in viewership and viewer disinterest, so does anyone really give a shit about the people afterwards?
I am dying to see what happens with these people when their 15 minutes expire. I shouldn't give a shit, but I am dying to hear all of the dirty laundry that comes out when these cretins finally retreat back into anonymity. I won't be very surprised if their eye-rolling, vomiting inducing "family mentality" and love for each other is nothing more than a bunch of phooey. I am also pretty convinced at least one of them is going to find Jeebus sometime down the line.
I was talking about this with my WA today and one thing I am starting to notice is she is just like every other friend I have had- she has to agree with every single thing I say. Okay, maybe she does, I don't know, but when I have her agreeing with something I am saying, and then I recall a time before she said something completely different, then that is when I start to wonder. Like the first time I ever mentioned anything about the Sitch to her, she made a big stink about what a jerk he is and all that and now all of a sudden he is the person we all love, but love to hate (her words, not mine). I just snorted when I read that from her. I was going to call her out on it, but decided against it. It's incredibly annoying. I hate saying stuff and having people agree with me ALL OF THE TIME, especially when it seems like they really do not and are just doing it for the sake of agreeing with me. Or saying something to said person only to hear almost the same words come out of their mouths a few days later. I always seem to attract these people that easily are influenced by others and who try to be like other people. I'm like, people please! Don't try to be like me! I am not a person to mimic. It drives me up the freaking wall.
Oh yes, I had my foot x-rayed last Friday and everything was normal. So now I can go in two different directions- continue to be convinced that an x-ray isn't showing anything and to worry about it still or I can finally move onto the next thing to worry about. Whatever that will be.
Well, a week has went by since I seen that guy and no luck getting to see him this week. I am disappointed. I really do not know why I want to see him again so bad. But I do. And I feel like I will freaking lose my mind if I do not get to. I want to at least see what his face looked like!
I was sitting in work the other and as usual my mind started wandering and I was thinking about That Thing and I started to think about how much I keep from everyone I know. It's actually pretty sad. Things upset me day in and day out and all I do is bottle them up and never tell anyone. And even benign things, but things I still find I am too bashful to ever admit to, I keep bottled up inside of me. If something were to ever happen to me and anyone close to me was to read anything I have written in a journal, or god forbid the letter I wrote explaining That Thing, it makes me wonder if they would question if they ever really knew me at all? Half of the time I don't even feel like I know or understand anything about myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
It absolutely kills me to keep That Thing bottled up inside of me from my loved ones, especially my mom. People tell me I can tell them anything, they would never judge, etc but I just know that telling this will not receive a positive reaction. And I already am so ashamed of this. Finally getting the guts to admit it to someone and receive a negative reaction would devastate me.
I am about to go so far out of my comfort zone right now with this, but I am going to admit something that I am definitely not ashamed of by any means, but for some reason or another, I just find I have a hard time ever wanting to admit it to someone. I wouldn't say a fetish, but I have an attraction to disabled guys. More specifically, I am attracted to guys in wheelchairs.
And that guy I am dying to see again? Yes. Yes, he was.
I had planned a much longer post, but after admitting that....I kind of have nothing else to say.
I hate my life.
Actually, it is kind of okay tonight to just not do anything. I did get to go out last night. My sister and I went to dinner and then to see the Hangover 2, which I actually laughed a lot more at than I thought I would. But in the grand tradition of things, we got stuck with three girls sitting behind us who are of the genetically unable to STFU at the movies makeup. I wanted one of those monk sticks to hit them everytime they opened their obnoxious ass mouths. Laughing obnoxiously, making comments every 5 seconds, at one point one of the brats decided to take pictures of the monkey. I just don't understand what happened to manners. And god forbid you ask them to shut up. Then you get lip. I don't get that. If I was being a little heathen and someone asked me to stop, I did. I didn't talk back or tell anyone to fuck off or anything (but I certainly thought it).
I can't figure out why exactly it was so funny, but my sister and I were laughing so hard at the part when they played "The Downeaster Alexa" by Billy Joel.
So I have heard that there were reports of the Durrrsey Shur cast being replaced. Everything I have read on it conflicts with each other. They are, they aren't. I wouldn't put it past Moron TV to say that no, they are not being replaced and then at the end of the 5th season taping, they say that the show is no longer going to continue. After all, some of the cretins do have spin-offs, which I am curious to see how the viewership of those goes. Even as much as I fucking love the Sitch, I don't know if I would have any interest in watching a spin-off. Who would he create drama with?
Look at this picture of the stupid son of a bitch. Look at that face. I can literally see the wheels turning in his head as he thinks about what he can do to exacerbate the er, situation.
I never get spin-offs when it comes to reality shows. The shows generally end due to drop in viewership and viewer disinterest, so does anyone really give a shit about the people afterwards?
I am dying to see what happens with these people when their 15 minutes expire. I shouldn't give a shit, but I am dying to hear all of the dirty laundry that comes out when these cretins finally retreat back into anonymity. I won't be very surprised if their eye-rolling, vomiting inducing "family mentality" and love for each other is nothing more than a bunch of phooey. I am also pretty convinced at least one of them is going to find Jeebus sometime down the line.
I was talking about this with my WA today and one thing I am starting to notice is she is just like every other friend I have had- she has to agree with every single thing I say. Okay, maybe she does, I don't know, but when I have her agreeing with something I am saying, and then I recall a time before she said something completely different, then that is when I start to wonder. Like the first time I ever mentioned anything about the Sitch to her, she made a big stink about what a jerk he is and all that and now all of a sudden he is the person we all love, but love to hate (her words, not mine). I just snorted when I read that from her. I was going to call her out on it, but decided against it. It's incredibly annoying. I hate saying stuff and having people agree with me ALL OF THE TIME, especially when it seems like they really do not and are just doing it for the sake of agreeing with me. Or saying something to said person only to hear almost the same words come out of their mouths a few days later. I always seem to attract these people that easily are influenced by others and who try to be like other people. I'm like, people please! Don't try to be like me! I am not a person to mimic. It drives me up the freaking wall.
Oh yes, I had my foot x-rayed last Friday and everything was normal. So now I can go in two different directions- continue to be convinced that an x-ray isn't showing anything and to worry about it still or I can finally move onto the next thing to worry about. Whatever that will be.
Well, a week has went by since I seen that guy and no luck getting to see him this week. I am disappointed. I really do not know why I want to see him again so bad. But I do. And I feel like I will freaking lose my mind if I do not get to. I want to at least see what his face looked like!
I was sitting in work the other and as usual my mind started wandering and I was thinking about That Thing and I started to think about how much I keep from everyone I know. It's actually pretty sad. Things upset me day in and day out and all I do is bottle them up and never tell anyone. And even benign things, but things I still find I am too bashful to ever admit to, I keep bottled up inside of me. If something were to ever happen to me and anyone close to me was to read anything I have written in a journal, or god forbid the letter I wrote explaining That Thing, it makes me wonder if they would question if they ever really knew me at all? Half of the time I don't even feel like I know or understand anything about myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
It absolutely kills me to keep That Thing bottled up inside of me from my loved ones, especially my mom. People tell me I can tell them anything, they would never judge, etc but I just know that telling this will not receive a positive reaction. And I already am so ashamed of this. Finally getting the guts to admit it to someone and receive a negative reaction would devastate me.
I am about to go so far out of my comfort zone right now with this, but I am going to admit something that I am definitely not ashamed of by any means, but for some reason or another, I just find I have a hard time ever wanting to admit it to someone. I wouldn't say a fetish, but I have an attraction to disabled guys. More specifically, I am attracted to guys in wheelchairs.
And that guy I am dying to see again? Yes. Yes, he was.
I had planned a much longer post, but after admitting that....I kind of have nothing else to say.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Random Thoughts
Ugh I can't believe tomorrow is only Wednesday. Get here quickly, weekend!
The past two days have been frustrating. Why? I do not know. I keep waking up cranky and depressed and it takes a major effort to finally haul my ass out of bed. All I want to do is lay back down and sleep. I cry every morning at work and at this point, I don't give a flying fuck if anyone catches me. Because it has nothing to do with work. I am tired and overwhelmed with life. My heart feels like it's going to break. I have to deal with wanting something that I feel ashamed for wanting. I have no idea where I am going and I feel completely lost. I don't know where to go!
I am so tired of stupid people. I was just reading comments in response to Ryan Dunn's death on the Action News Facebook page (a mecca of dumbass comments) and it is astonishing how many consider these deaths "sad". No, it is not sad. And then the crap starts up about who are we to judge and are we perfect and never make mistakes. Am I perfect? No. Do I make mistakes? Yes, more than the average person. But this? This was not a mistake. It was pure Grade A stupidity and I don't feel an ounce of sympathy for his death. Drinking and driving do not mix! I cannot understand for the life of me why that is so goddamn fucking hard for people to comprehend?!
The only thing that is getting me through the days right now is the small miniscule amount of hope I cling to that I might see that guy I saw last week. I don't understand why I cannot get him off of my mind. But I feel like I am going to flip if I do not get to see him again. And I keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, one of the times I look out the front window, I will see that ugly ass white Toyota. I think the entire world will hear my squee. What? Yes, I get up and look through out the day. I know- it's kind of creepy, but I swear, it's completely harmless! But I will not deny that I would love to go over to the business one day and demand to know who he is, because I swear, if I do not find out who he is, I (and my very confused heart) will burst.
Also....I am sick of seeing previews for that new Cameron Diaz movie, where she plays a teacher. My God, that movie looks so fucking stupid, it makes my head hurt. I hope to God it bombs.
The past two days have been frustrating. Why? I do not know. I keep waking up cranky and depressed and it takes a major effort to finally haul my ass out of bed. All I want to do is lay back down and sleep. I cry every morning at work and at this point, I don't give a flying fuck if anyone catches me. Because it has nothing to do with work. I am tired and overwhelmed with life. My heart feels like it's going to break. I have to deal with wanting something that I feel ashamed for wanting. I have no idea where I am going and I feel completely lost. I don't know where to go!
I am so tired of stupid people. I was just reading comments in response to Ryan Dunn's death on the Action News Facebook page (a mecca of dumbass comments) and it is astonishing how many consider these deaths "sad". No, it is not sad. And then the crap starts up about who are we to judge and are we perfect and never make mistakes. Am I perfect? No. Do I make mistakes? Yes, more than the average person. But this? This was not a mistake. It was pure Grade A stupidity and I don't feel an ounce of sympathy for his death. Drinking and driving do not mix! I cannot understand for the life of me why that is so goddamn fucking hard for people to comprehend?!
The only thing that is getting me through the days right now is the small miniscule amount of hope I cling to that I might see that guy I saw last week. I don't understand why I cannot get him off of my mind. But I feel like I am going to flip if I do not get to see him again. And I keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, one of the times I look out the front window, I will see that ugly ass white Toyota. I think the entire world will hear my squee. What? Yes, I get up and look through out the day. I know- it's kind of creepy, but I swear, it's completely harmless! But I will not deny that I would love to go over to the business one day and demand to know who he is, because I swear, if I do not find out who he is, I (and my very confused heart) will burst.
Also....I am sick of seeing previews for that new Cameron Diaz movie, where she plays a teacher. My God, that movie looks so fucking stupid, it makes my head hurt. I hope to God it bombs.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Random Thoughts
Well, at least yesterday turned out to be a pleasant day. I went down Wildwood again, just for the day this time, and despite being hot, it was a nice day otherwise. I think this is the most I have been down the shore this early in the season. Ocean City the weekend after the wedding, Seaside on Memorial Day weekend, Wildwood last weekend and then again this weekend.
Today, however....whole other story. I finally rolled out of bed around 11AM and I came out and I noticed that my father was not home. And when I questioned my mother about it, she said he started his shit again this morning, she screamed at him, and then he got up and went out. And was still not home by the time by aunt came with my grandparents to pick us up to go out for a little bit. So I didn't even get to spend Father's Day with my father. Although I am sure he would have been miserable anyway. But that is not the point. There was no reason for it. And today, God forgive me for saying this, was one of the worst days to spend with my grandfather. That man knows how to take stress levels to places you could never even begin to imagine they could go to.
I don't know if it's from hormones, because this does happen sometimes during my period, but I am so overwhelmed right now, I don't even know where to go from here. Between sky high stress levels at home, the stress at work, my foot, That Thing rearing its head again....I feel like I am about to reach the breaking point. And I really don't want to go down that path again.
I am starting to get very fearful that one of these days someone is going to push the wrong button. I don't mean in the sense that I will hurt anyone. No, rather either myself or I am going to say something that will have long term consequences. Namely with work. My boss just keeps on at it with me. I swear to God, I have never seen someone who can make things as complicated as my boss. The other day I received an email nitpicking my work (over what I fucking title something, for God's sake) and I had to go outside for a couple minutes to cool off because I knew if I didn't, I was very close to saying something I would severely regret.
And I don't know what to do with That Thing anymore. I would like to be able to just sit back and accept it. It's me. There is not much I can do about it. I would like to be able to tell someone about it. But I just do not believe that will ever be possible. I would like to believe people would still be able to look at me the same after telling or that they would even want to talk to me still. But I do not think that will be likely. I can barely look at myself the same. And heaven forbid they should ask me the inevitable question- why. I cannot answer them. I do not have any answer. There are only two things I know about this- I want it and I am absolutely ashamed of it.
And every single time I start to really worry about my foot, it only makes me want it more.
And you want to hear something nutty? I cannot stop thinking about that guy I saw the other day. I want to see him again. I don't even know if he was cute! I was so attracted by, uh, something else, I didn't even really look at his face. And yes, I know, I know, looks aren't everything, but I am not going to lie- they do matter a little to me (and do not, under any circumstances, make one friggin reference to my current celebrity crush). And somehow I have a feeling I will not ever get to see him again (I don't know if he was someone from out of state with the business or what, but the car he was riding in had license plates from Georgia). And it makes me sad.
It would be nice, though. It would make getting up for work a little more enjoyable. Kind of like how getting to see your high school crush always made going to school a little more bearable.
Today, however....whole other story. I finally rolled out of bed around 11AM and I came out and I noticed that my father was not home. And when I questioned my mother about it, she said he started his shit again this morning, she screamed at him, and then he got up and went out. And was still not home by the time by aunt came with my grandparents to pick us up to go out for a little bit. So I didn't even get to spend Father's Day with my father. Although I am sure he would have been miserable anyway. But that is not the point. There was no reason for it. And today, God forgive me for saying this, was one of the worst days to spend with my grandfather. That man knows how to take stress levels to places you could never even begin to imagine they could go to.
I don't know if it's from hormones, because this does happen sometimes during my period, but I am so overwhelmed right now, I don't even know where to go from here. Between sky high stress levels at home, the stress at work, my foot, That Thing rearing its head again....I feel like I am about to reach the breaking point. And I really don't want to go down that path again.
I am starting to get very fearful that one of these days someone is going to push the wrong button. I don't mean in the sense that I will hurt anyone. No, rather either myself or I am going to say something that will have long term consequences. Namely with work. My boss just keeps on at it with me. I swear to God, I have never seen someone who can make things as complicated as my boss. The other day I received an email nitpicking my work (over what I fucking title something, for God's sake) and I had to go outside for a couple minutes to cool off because I knew if I didn't, I was very close to saying something I would severely regret.
And I don't know what to do with That Thing anymore. I would like to be able to just sit back and accept it. It's me. There is not much I can do about it. I would like to be able to tell someone about it. But I just do not believe that will ever be possible. I would like to believe people would still be able to look at me the same after telling or that they would even want to talk to me still. But I do not think that will be likely. I can barely look at myself the same. And heaven forbid they should ask me the inevitable question- why. I cannot answer them. I do not have any answer. There are only two things I know about this- I want it and I am absolutely ashamed of it.
And every single time I start to really worry about my foot, it only makes me want it more.
And you want to hear something nutty? I cannot stop thinking about that guy I saw the other day. I want to see him again. I don't even know if he was cute! I was so attracted by, uh, something else, I didn't even really look at his face. And yes, I know, I know, looks aren't everything, but I am not going to lie- they do matter a little to me (and do not, under any circumstances, make one friggin reference to my current celebrity crush). And somehow I have a feeling I will not ever get to see him again (I don't know if he was someone from out of state with the business or what, but the car he was riding in had license plates from Georgia). And it makes me sad.
It would be nice, though. It would make getting up for work a little more enjoyable. Kind of like how getting to see your high school crush always made going to school a little more bearable.
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