Random Thoughts

Can I hit myself for eating so bad this weekend? I went to Friendly's for lunch on Friday (whom I may be breaking up with again; who? whom? why is it I did my 12 years of school, 29 credits of college and I still cannot get the hang of who vs. whom?) and I wasn't going to eat dinner, but then I ended up eating pizza for dinner. Saturday I went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. My lower left side hurts like all holy hell. I feel like I am pregnant. Goddamn me for being so stupid! *cries*

And not only do I feel horrible physically from overeating, but I feel guilty for overeating.

I am also annoyed with myself because for the past few days, I have been self-pitying on a very unhealthy level. It does not help that I just saw something earlier that exacerbated it. And it pisses me off that I am actually allowing something like this to make me feel bad. It's so ridiculous! I feel so fucking stupid! Someone my age should not get upset over something like this. How can you know that what you're feeling is irrational, yet still feel it?

I also have to keep reminding myself, particularly when I start thinking of harming myself in response to this, that IT WILL NOT MATTER ONE DAY. I went through something sort of similar before, and while the hurt felt like it was never going to end (it took 7 fucking months to go away), it did eventually end. And now I could care less.

I was laying in bed the other night and I was thinking about how when I was created, something got seriously fucked up. Parts are missing, parts are not functioning properly, too many of certain parts. And then I started running through everything that is wrong:

- I have no idea how to be in love with another person
- I have no idea how to empathize or sympathize properly. I either do it when I shouldn't or I don't do it when I should. Or I do it when I should, but just do not do it properly.
- I have no idea how to grieve properly. It should not take someone years to finally be able to cry over someone's death.
- I feel guilty over everything
- I cry over everything
- I flip out over the most ridiculous things
- I get jealous over the stupidest, most embarrassing things
- I have no ambition, mostly because I have just about given up on life
- I don't care about other people's problems, but expect everyone to care about mine (although I think everyone brushing off mine was what lead to this)
- I am fine with someone until they do something I perceive as annoying or stupid, and then I dislike them immensely, although it never lasts for long and then I am fine with them again
- I find fault in everyone
- I misconstrue everything as an attack on me somehow
- I immediately consider self-harm when someone attacks me
- I let people walk all over me
- I have no idea how to stand up for myself
- I have too short of a temper
- I always worry too much about not hurting other people rather than worrying about my well-being
- I get embarrassed and feel stupid too easily
- I am almost completely incapable of discussing my problems with other people
- I am too easily influenced with my feelings. If someone came up to me right now and told me I was fat, I would believe them, despite the fact that my weight is in a healthy weight range.
- I am completely incapable of making the simplest decisions. Deciding what to eat for lunch stresses me out to the point that I lose my patience and snap out on people. Just imagine the level of difficulty in making decisions like what to pursue a career in. It's nearly impossible. Why do I have such a difficult time making decisions? I really have no idea. 

I could be here forever. And one thing I really cannot tolerate is how I constantly feel like my emotions are being pulled in a million directions at one time. It makes no sense to worry so much about something happening to a loved one to the point that you want to projectile vomit repeatedly while simultaneously hating them and wishing they would leave you alone. I want things, but then when I get them, I do not want them anymore.

When we were at Friendly's on Friday, they had CNN on the TV and a report came on about that young lady who contracted the flesh eating virus. I told my mother and my sister that if something like that ever happened to me, I do not want any amputations. And they were kind of confused at first, and I said "it means I would rather die". They started to give me a hard time about it and I just kept saying "no, I would rather die". And I would. Maybe someone else could be fine with it, but I know I would not be. A leg or foot or left arm or left hand, okay, yeah maybe. Anything more than that....no. This is why I want an advanced directive.

No one knows how much time I have spent obsessing over this fear. It is one of my biggest fears.

And if I had thought about it, I would have said "oh, and who would plan on taking care of me?". That would have shut them both up. After all, we are not my sister's responsibility. Which is true, yes, but the fact that we always have to drop everything to cater to her when she is sick or needs help with something. Look at last year, when my parents and I went down the shore for the weekend- she wasn't feeling good and her husband was off with his band, and she was pissed that no one stayed home to stay with her. I was like are you for real? You are a 31 year-old nurse who is now married. And she is moving soon and who is doing all of the packing with her? My mom and me. Not her husband, not her in-laws. Just the two of us. This is what I am talking about. Everyone, particularly my parents, just drops everything to cater to her all the time. She wants something done, my parents help her. She wants to go somewhere, my parents take her if hubby can't. I honestly believe that if she had said she was the one that wanted to go to Musikfest, my parents would have taken us. And they wonder why she is such a fucking princess. 

Also on Friday, we were helping my sister pack up things to move and my sister and I were sitting in the living room when we heard stuff fall and slide across the floor in the spare bedroom, where my mom was working on packing. So I got up and went in to see what happened, only to find my mother on the floor on her side with her eyes closed. And when I said "Mom?", she didn't respond. I was about to freak out. And them my sister came in and same thing. Then finally she responded. I don't know if she had just been stunned from falling or was just being a drama queen, because she wasn't knocked out or anything to not respond. But it scared the hell out of me. I got really bad pains across my stomach and I started to feel like I was going to black out and had to go sit down.

And then of course, I started to get upset at feeling so bad and immediately "OMG it's Addison's" popped into my head, that not producing enough cortisol lead to the horrible feeling. I am starting to believe that this fear is never going to go away. Oddly enough, earlier after I saw the thing that made me feel bad, I thought god, sometimes I wish I did have it.

Random Thoughts

I was on Facebook not too long ago and I kept getting notices of being tagged in pictures and now I know I hate looking at pictures of myself, but either I am just feeling really bad today or I have never realized just how much I hate it. I looked at a couple and came thisclose to pushing my monitor off of the desk (obviously I really did not do that last night).

I can't fucking stand looking at myself. I really can't. It got so overwhelming I started to cry. And I am beyond sick of everyone telling me I am pretty or gorgeous or whatever. It's kind of hitting below the belt, but when the people who say it say it, it does not hold any merit. It's family. It's friends. It goes right in one ear and right out the other. It means nothing to me.

I am tired of feeling so worthless and so ugly and so invisible. I lose weight, I change my style, I change my hair, and I still do not get noticed. Boys still walk right by. I am tired of this never ending battle of never being good enough for anyone or anything. No matter how much weight I lose, I am still not ever thin enough. No matter what I do, I am not ever FUCKING HAPPY.

I mention repeatedly about wanting a relationship. But does anyone realize just how much work needs to be done on myself before I can even contemplate ever entering into one? I can just see myself in a relationship right now- moods up and down, back and forth with feelings, hating him one minute, loving him the next, freaking out constantly over stupid shit, crying over everything, riddled with insecurity and jealousy, and ultimately chasing him away in the end. And I cannot even contemplate what a breakup would be like. I can tell you right now that in my current state of mind, I would never be able to handle a breakup. It would completely devastate me. I think it would more than likely lead to my first attempt at suicide.

I hate when I get suicidal feelings. Anymore, it seems like the first sign of someone criticizing me, suicidal thoughts pop into my head. I can't stand it. I do not like the person I have become.

A young woman was missing in my area and was found sometime last week and on the news, there was mention of it possibly being suicide and her father was being interviewed and when that came up, he made some comment about her being too smart to do that. I yelled "fuck you" at the TV when I heard that. Look, I feel bad that he lost his daughter, but that comment royally infuriated me. Commiting suicide does not make her dumb. If it was suicide, she was hurting, for God's sake. I can never get enough of saying it- until you have been there, shut up. People act like suicidal people get some kind of kick out of being in that place. It is a terrible place to be. It's so awful, I can't even describe it. I wouldn't wish feeling suicidal on my worst enemy.

All I want is to know what it feels like to truly be in love with someone and have someone truly be in love with you. I have never had that. Someone who can love you despite all of your flaws and think you are the most beautiful person regardless of whether others think you are fucking hideous. The whole time at my sister's wedding, all I could think is, I want this one day. Weddings are the absolute worst place to be when you are feeling cripplingly lonely.

I just....I can't with this anymore. I have no desire to commit suicide right now, but I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I think about going for professional help and then I think of all of the money I would have to put out, how I will have to go to professional after professional just to find the right one, etc, and then I think of my past experiences with the psychiatric field and I just don't want to deal with it again. I don't want to go to a place where I feel like I am only looked at as dollar signs (and perks; don't forget those) and I don't want to have to worry that I will say the wrong thing and end up back in the hospital. And all I want is true, genuine happiness. Not happiness from chemicals. Not happiness from zapping my brain with jolts of electricity. And I don't think I will ever have that. There is only so much fighting a person can do and I have been doing so much for so long and I am exhausted. I am tired of fighting.

It's Pity Party Time! Part 2

Well, apparently my "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" phase is back in full force again. I am tired, I have heartburn up to my ears, I am sick of nasty ass people, and I am tired of always being cold. Oh, and my insides, which have been behaving somewhat, are in an uproar again.

I'm just very miserable today. I don't know what my problem is. I just woke up feeling bad. I am sick and tired of being a good person and I am even more sick and tired of feeling bad for being a good person. I am tired of feeling like the most unattractive person on earth (I look in the mirror and I do not see a quote unquote "grenade" or "landmine" or whatever the stupid terms those stupid douchebags use when I look in the mirror; I am a fucking Hindenburgh). I am tired of no matter how much weight I lose, I always feel like I can be thinner (a fact no one knows about me is I wish I had been a ballet dancer. I never got the chance to do it, and probably never will ever get the chance, but I certainly have the body image problems). I am tired of being single. I am tired of being a virgin. I am tired of having poor social skills. I am tired of trying to do good and only seeing assholes be rewarded constantly. I think I need to just become a bigger asshole than I already am. The thing is it all needs to come out of hiding. I can be a bitch in my own head and to certain people, but that is maybe 14% of the actual full-fledged bitch that I really can be. That bitch needs to be released. And God save us all when she is. Even I want to shake in my boots.

Oh God, it will be so fucking awesome.

Oh and I am annoyed that everywhere I like to eat keeps closing. I have already repeatedly bitched about Bennigan's closing. A week or so ago, I found out our local Bugaboo Creek closed (I was just introduced to that place for the first time this year and I liked it. Except for all of the talking fake animals *shudders*) and then yesterday I found out our local Spaghetti Warehouse closed. I went ballistic when I was told that. I freaking loved that place! Okay, so they didn't have the greatest food (although I beg to differ on the brownie dessert), but it was good and I liked the atmosphere there. It was a big old random chaotic assortment of things. It's probably what my head looks like inside- walls full of various antique junk and a trolley smack dab in the middle.

Speaking of random chaotic junk, you know what song I go absolutely ballistic over every single time it comes on? "Baby It's Cold Outside". God, I hate that song! It's like they took two completely different songs and smushed them together. It gets on my nerves!

Random Thoughts

It should not be much of a surprise that I am my absolute own worst critic. From the time I wake up until I go to bed, I criticize myself over something, usually many things. I could list about 500 things to criticize myself over right now. I often believe others are silently criticizing me.

Yet, when someone actually does criticize me to my face, it is usually for something completely unexpected and it completely blindsides me and I think that is why I never actually defend myself. Happened to me in work the other day. I was criticized for something I did not expect to be criticized for and it left me speechless. And then I got pissed, partly for getting criticized and partly for not defending myself. AS USUAL. I can't know to do something if one does not inform me to do it. I am not a fucking mindreader. But apparently in there, you are supposed to be.

I seriously wonder how long it is going to be before 1 of 5 things happen:

1) I wind up in the nuthouse again
2) I have a heart attack
3) I have a stroke
4) a mixture of any of the above
5) all of the above

Fascinatingly enough, the last four do not scare me nearly as much as the first, although at the rate I am going, I may as well call up the nuthouse and tell them to reserve me a lifetime room. All I have to say is thank god for the deinstitutionalization movement.

Look, all workplaces are generally full of assholes and backstabbers. But this place, for such a small one, can invoke level 5 paranoia (level 10 for someone who is already kinda paranoid like me). You can't do anything in that place without having some kind of major paranoia. I can't even listen to my fucking radio without having to worry it might be annoying someone. I can't ask a question without having to worry about someone bitching about me as soon as I leave the room. I can't ask a simple question without having to worry about author-ity questioning my ability do anything. Um, isn't it better to ask a question when you aren't sure of something instead of doing something wrong? I can't even ask a couple different times or different people on how to do something if I happen to forget because each and every time I get a different answer.

I am really starting to get tired of everyone raining on my fucking parade. Every single time I am excited about something, someone in my family has to make a negative comment about it. I mentioned it before, with vacations, birthdays, and the holidays. But now it is branching out into pretty much everything. I have said a few times in the past week about being excited about the upcoming Apple Festival we go to every year at Peddler's Village and each and every time I have said something, my mom has to say "I could care less about going". I mentioned earlier about how I miss Myrtle Beach and my mom says "I don't care if I ever go there again". Look, I am not asking for anyone to share in my fucking joy, but it would just be nice for once to say I am looking forward to something and not have my family give me their negative opinions.

And yet somehow I am always the negative one! I am the one always ruining people's good moods and good times, which yes, it is true that if I am not having a good time, I have a tendency to get miserable and snippy and start taking it out on everyone else, thus ruining everyone's time. But I don't go around telling people who are excited about their upcoming birthday that oh it is just another day or totally bringing down someone's excitement.

Yes I can be very negative, but hey. Guess I learned from the best now, didn't I?

And frankly, I cannot wait until my sister's wedding is over. I am already sick of hearing about it and I am so sick of hearing my mother talk about how she is going to have a nervous breakdown.

And now I am going to be a parade rainer myself. I was on a former friend's Facebook page and she posted a picture of herself dressed as Marilyn Monroe, her and I quote "hero". What is the fascination with Marilyn Monroe? I must be the only woman on earth who does not see the fascination with her. Yes, she was gorgeous. Yes, she APPEARED to have a glamerous life. But that is the key word. Appeared. Her life was far from glamerous. It was sad and fucking depressing. What was so great about her life that I should worship this woman? What am I missing here?

Um, so anyway, I read an article over on The Superficial regarding the Situation's "book". I groaned like Homer after I read one spiel of it. And then I read this article. I have read numerous things where people, including the lead singer from Florence and the Machine, have said he was actually really nice when he was on Dancing With The Has Beens And The Why Am I Famous Agains and then you read shit like this and it's like we're talking about a totally different person.

What is with this dude? Is he insane? Multiple personalities? Schizo? Drugs? Too many 'roids, even though he insists he does not take them (bitch, please)? Did Mommy engage in some substances of the mind altering persuasion when she was pregnant with him? Or- god save us!- there's two of him? I don't understand how almost every interview I have read with him, something half intelligent comes out of his mouth and a split second later, he says something that makes me want to knee him in the nuts. One thing is for sure- this boy ain't firing on all cylinders.

I saw his little hissy fit on Dancing. He's such a freaking drama queen.

In the article with the "21 year old" girl (who I have to say gave a great verbal slap with that old man line; I lol'd)....is that a stuffed animal in the bed? He has a stuffed animal? Bwhahahaha!

I'd let him pull my hair. There isn't much I wouldn't let him do to me*, except sorry Sitch. You may think you are "the leader" and shit, but you ain't going to be the one calling the shots. Oh no. I've waited long enough to get nailed. This is my fucking game, bitch!

*as long as it is in the realms of what I consider "normal sex", which includes normal missionary, some S&M, doggy style, and although they are both extremely toeing the line of abnormalcy, anal and oral. Whatever happened to just normal sex? Nowadays you have people pissing and shitting on each other and actually *gags* licking each other's butts. Ick!

Anyway, would I read the book? No. Although I did like the part about chicken parm, the only way I would read this book is if I smoked some damn good weed. And was compensated largely. And maybe took some ecstasy, although judging by what I have read on ecstasy and how it makes people feel (and what it did to Peter), I don't think ecstasy would be particularly good for me right now. No one needs to see me slide onto the floor and take my clothes off.

I'd also consider listening to it on tape if someone with a really awesome voice read it. A few off the top of my head- Patrick Stewart, Clive Owen, James Earl Jones. Or someone like Gilbert Gottfried. Or hell, half of the cast of The Simpsons doing one of their characters (a few of my favorite voices are Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Fat Tony....oh Jesus, I could be here forever.)

I saw a Jersey Shore calender last weekend when I was out with my sister. I would take one with all of the men. Six months of the Sitch, 2 months each for the rest of them. Oh my yes.

In reality, I think the only reason I am finding any of these beefcakes attractive is due to being so sexually frustrated. I am almost 100% sure if by some strange chance I ever got to sleep with El Sitcho, I would wake up in the morning, take one look at him, and scream like Fry did when he found out he was his own grandfather. Then I'd probably sucker punch him in the face, knee him in the nuts, run home, and have a breakdown similar to everyone in the Game Fly commercials. What I would do after that, I really don't know, but it would probably involve assuming the fetal position and sobbing for at least 36 hours because I allowed this thing to deflower me.

Yeah. Imagine years from now, telling a future generation "oh Aunt Slightly Short Of Sane ended up losing her virginity to a guy who was 28 years old but looked about 43 and had a huge ego, a tiny penis, and liked to call his freaky ass looking abs, and later himself as well, "the Situation" and frequently liked to use the word situation even in, er, situations that didn't call for it. Where is he now? Beats me. Hopefu-er, probably lying dead from a steroid overdose in a gutter somewhere."

I wonder if he is looking for an official stalker. I am still holding out for someone to offer me the position of official stalker. *whistles "Private Eyes" while counting bugs*

UPDATE 11.2: The Situation's Brother Is A Lady's Man

*falls onto floor in fetal position and starts sobbing* WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?! OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Wow. Batshit must be a family trait, as well as looking like you're 160 years old at a young age.

Look, I try not to go after people's looks as much as possible, because I am certainly no beauty queen, but....great Godzilla's Gonads, his brother is fucking hideous. I mean, he is not too bad when he smiles, but that first picture! That is fug of epic proportions. I can honestly say I now understand the true meaning of "recoil in horror" after looking at that picture. I have also found the answer to my previous question of who would I not sleep with right now- this dude!

I get the impression from these pictures alone that he is probably someone who goes around using the "grenade" term on women just like his baby bro does. Hey, Marc, look in the mirror sometime before you call others ugly. Seriously. He probably never does though, because I am sure they all break before he gets a chance to get a good look at himself.

Damn, now I am dying to see a recent picture of the third brother, the one who seems to maybe have inherited all of the brains in the family since he stays out of the limelight. I wonder what the hell his name is. Probably something with an M. I saw the infamous turtleneck picture and I also saw a fairly recent picture in People of the Sitch and his mom and there are two guys in the back who I would guess are his brothers. One has sunglasses on and the other reminds me a little of Vince Vaughn. The latter? I'd hit it, so I am guessing the one with the sunglasses is this beast named Marc. I have yet to see a picture of Old Man Sitch, and since Mom isn't fug like this, I am just going to go ahead and assume this extreme fugliness must come from Dad.

Random Thoughts

Boy, did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed today. Or it's PMS. Maybe a little of both. All I know is I have been cranky all day. I went on a vocal rampage when I called my mother during my lunch break. I am just frustrated and annoyed and while I am at the point of being semi-content with my job, all I keep wondering is how much longer is the content-ness going to last.

The whole time I was getting ready for work, I just fumed over life in general. All I kept thinking was, I am going about this whole life thing the wrong way. I need to just throw away my dignity and morals and just become a disgusting human being because apparently that is the only way to get anywhere in this day and age. I need to just stop worring about everyone else's feelings and just fucking screw everyone over because no one ever seems to care about hurting mine or screwing me over. Why should I care about other people? Nice guys really do finish last, don't they? And why bother working hard? I need to just start speaking my mind and acting on my feelings. I'll probably end up dead, but I don't really particularly care at this particular moment.

Is it possible to never really experience true love but are afraid to fall for someone? I think I may have mentioned the story before, but a couple years ago, I was pretty head over heels for someone, only to find out he was engaged. I was absolutely crushed. I think that was the first time I actually was able to fully understand what the term "broken heart" meant. I had never, ever felt anything like what I felt after finding out that news. It took many months to finally get over it, although at the time I truly believed I would never get over it. I feel kinda ridiculous now for getting so upset over it, but ever since then, I am absolutely terrified of ever developing feelings for someone because I do not want to ever go through something like that again.

My sister seems to believe having a significant other might help me change my outlook on life. While I agree on one hand (I am fully convinced at this point that if I just get fucked already, I won't be so damn high strung), I also have to wonder who will seriously be able to put up with me. I can't even stand me, let alone another person. Love me just the way I am? Keep dreaming.

Changing subjects, I recently started choking down, er, taking Konsyl. It's pretty bad. I have a sneaky suspicion I am really drinking sawdust, but hey, it is working better than Metamucil was, so where am I to complain? Plus, it will [hopefully] get my gastrointestinal doctor off of my back about taking fiber supplements. I say hopefully because he actually suggested Benefiber, but Konsyl has less calories and more natural ingredients. It's still fiber, is it not?!

At least, I think it is fiber. It is, isn't it? Hello? Anyone?

I have recently been delegated the task of medical records requests in work. It's not rocket science, but I am seriously going to go apeshit on law firms. I would think that after 7+ years in school, these lawyers would know they can not get these records without a subpoena. But apparently they do not, because I am constantly getting requests without one. So then I get to type up a nice little letter demanding a subpoena. Ugh. And then one day I almost died of a heart attack when I opened a request and found - GASP- a subpoena included. I was ecstatic. I still would have had to send a letter demanding payment first, but it still had the frigging subpoena! So what happened? The person has never been to our office. SO....instead of sending a letter demanding MONEY, I had to send a letter informing the law firm we had never seen said person.

I was down at the Berlin Mart about a month ago and I was in the store where I am convinced every worker is from Ancora and I wish I had had a camera at the time to take a picture to submit to Failblog. It was a clamshell package opener (I am talking the evil ones you have to use a razor blade to open) and it was in....a clamshell package.