My God, this song is so catchy. I don't know who ILoveMakonnen is, but I like his voice. And although I am not a Fallout Boy fan (I like a few songs by them), I rather enjoy Patrick Stump's voice.
Saturday, February 29, 2020
Sunday, February 23, 2020
Thursday, February 20, 2020
Random Thoughts
I was feeling somewhat good yesterday. I don't know what the hell happened. I woke up and I was so bloated I could barely breathe. Add in the heavy feeling in my chest and constantly feeling like I need to take a deep breath and I'm fucking miserable. I'm sitting here and having such a difficult time breathing. My stomach is one big distended hard ball. I look like I'm about to give birth. My chest is on fire, my throat feels irritated, and I'm nauseous. I also have a bit of a nasty sour taste in my mouth.
Five more days. I might not get an answer but at least I'll be closer to possibly being scoped. I never thought a day would come where I would say I can't wait to undergo an endoscopy. I'm so goddamn anxious and stressed over all of this. I can't concentrate for anything, which in turn is making me worry I'm screwing up in work, thus making my stress and anxiety levels even higher. The anxiety and stress is more than likely exacerbating any of the symptoms I'm feeling. I'm scared every time I eat. I might not even have an ulcer, but if my stress and anxiety keeps running at maximum levels, I'm ultimately going to end up giving myself one.
I so badly want to take the Carafete and/or Protonix to see how they work, but I'm so scared of the side effects, I keep avoiding them.
On a positive note- Mom did very well with her surgery.
"Father Figure" just came on. I still think about that dream every time I hear it. It bugs me to no end that I really cannot remember anything about it, just that I was in some big theater-type place and the song was playing, so why it haunts me so much is a real head-scratcher.
Five more days. I might not get an answer but at least I'll be closer to possibly being scoped. I never thought a day would come where I would say I can't wait to undergo an endoscopy. I'm so goddamn anxious and stressed over all of this. I can't concentrate for anything, which in turn is making me worry I'm screwing up in work, thus making my stress and anxiety levels even higher. The anxiety and stress is more than likely exacerbating any of the symptoms I'm feeling. I'm scared every time I eat. I might not even have an ulcer, but if my stress and anxiety keeps running at maximum levels, I'm ultimately going to end up giving myself one.
I so badly want to take the Carafete and/or Protonix to see how they work, but I'm so scared of the side effects, I keep avoiding them.
On a positive note- Mom did very well with her surgery.
"Father Figure" just came on. I still think about that dream every time I hear it. It bugs me to no end that I really cannot remember anything about it, just that I was in some big theater-type place and the song was playing, so why it haunts me so much is a real head-scratcher.
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
Saturday, February 15, 2020
Random Thoughts
The upside- my grandfather does not have cancer.
The downside- I still have to get through Monday, when my mother has surgery for the 50,000th time.
I'm also still a mental case about what is going on with my digestive system. What's really making me anxious is this heavy feeling in my chest, like I constantly need to take a deep breath that is never satisfying. I also feel like I've been punched in the chest. The weird thing is that heavy feeling in my chest, I typically feel that that before I get my period.
And every so often, I start feeling discomfort in my stomach when I'm eating, almost like a full feeling, but usually once I belch I feel somewhat better. And it makes me anxious, because as I've said before, I never get full. And sometimes when I'm eating or after, I get a very slight but still noticeable feeling in my left upper quadrant that feels like that stitch pain you get when you don't breathe right while exercising.
Pepcid gives me mild to moderate relief, but it's far from perfect. However, it did a damn good job of getting rid of that horrible taste from the back of my throat. That was terrible. It seriously felt and tasted like something died in the back of my throat.
I still have to get through another 10 days until I see the GI. And even then I'm still going to be stuck in an anxiety-wracked limbo wondering what is going on until I get scoped. Even then, will I have an answer? And it still never ceases to amaze me how much more scared I am of being told I have H. pylori or an ulcer than being told I have cancer.
The downside- I still have to get through Monday, when my mother has surgery for the 50,000th time.
I'm also still a mental case about what is going on with my digestive system. What's really making me anxious is this heavy feeling in my chest, like I constantly need to take a deep breath that is never satisfying. I also feel like I've been punched in the chest. The weird thing is that heavy feeling in my chest, I typically feel that that before I get my period.
And every so often, I start feeling discomfort in my stomach when I'm eating, almost like a full feeling, but usually once I belch I feel somewhat better. And it makes me anxious, because as I've said before, I never get full. And sometimes when I'm eating or after, I get a very slight but still noticeable feeling in my left upper quadrant that feels like that stitch pain you get when you don't breathe right while exercising.
Pepcid gives me mild to moderate relief, but it's far from perfect. However, it did a damn good job of getting rid of that horrible taste from the back of my throat. That was terrible. It seriously felt and tasted like something died in the back of my throat.
I still have to get through another 10 days until I see the GI. And even then I'm still going to be stuck in an anxiety-wracked limbo wondering what is going on until I get scoped. Even then, will I have an answer? And it still never ceases to amaze me how much more scared I am of being told I have H. pylori or an ulcer than being told I have cancer.
Tuesday, February 11, 2020
Monday, February 10, 2020
Random Thoughts
Pretty much the following day after my last post, the burning hunger feeling started creeping back in, and I ended up scheduling an appointment with my primary the next day. I got the expected GI referral, as well as two prescriptions, one for Carafate and one for Protonix. I have both in my possession but yet to take any. Because I'm terrified of the side effects.
The same day as my appointment, the burning hunger feeling and nausea started to become so unbearable that I finally caved and took a Pepcid. I've been taking two a day for the past week and haven't noticed any increased anxiety or aches, so I'm guessing maybe it was not the Pepcid causing that before. As for what was, I have no idea. It's not perfect but Pepcid does seem to keep a lot of the acid in check, although right now I'm not feeling too hot. Not to mention it seemed like the issues with constipation were going away but did not have any luck today.
I have an appointment with a GI in two weeks. I'm very anxious about it but also quite desperate to go. Although I'm scared what might result from it, I'm very much anxious to be scoped already.
The same day as my appointment, the burning hunger feeling and nausea started to become so unbearable that I finally caved and took a Pepcid. I've been taking two a day for the past week and haven't noticed any increased anxiety or aches, so I'm guessing maybe it was not the Pepcid causing that before. As for what was, I have no idea. It's not perfect but Pepcid does seem to keep a lot of the acid in check, although right now I'm not feeling too hot. Not to mention it seemed like the issues with constipation were going away but did not have any luck today.
I have an appointment with a GI in two weeks. I'm very anxious about it but also quite desperate to go. Although I'm scared what might result from it, I'm very much anxious to be scoped already.
Saturday, February 1, 2020
Random Thoughts
I went to see my grandparents today. My grandmom is mega emotional and burst into tears as soon as we came in the door. I know they're both in their 90's, but sheesh seeing them look the way they do is tough. Same with my parents, my furry niece, etc.
Getting old really freaking blows.
Since I started taking Prozac, I feel like my disease crises have been minimal and short-lived. However, it seems it's no longer working. This obsession over what is going on with my digestive system and worrying that I have H. pylori is taking a toll on me right now. I stopped taking Pepcid the other day because it seemed like it was making my anxiety worse, it was giving me terrible back and leg pain, blowing me up to no end, and it was constipating me. I don't seem to be having terrible heartburn since then or the return of that godawful burning hunger feeling (knock on wood), but I still have an annoying feeling in my throat and that godawful taste coming from either my throat or stomach. I don't even want to talk to anyone because I'm so worried how bad I might smell from it. I'm terrified of eating, that it's going to make me sick/vomit, I'm going to get full easy (seriously, I never get full), that the burning hunger feeling is going to return, you name it.
Then I'm worried about the treatment if I do have H. pylori. Typically two antibiotics, which is like a damn nightmare to me, considering how bad one antibiotic affects me. It's not like I've never done two at one time. When I had endometritis, I had to take Flagyl and doxy. It wasn't the worse thing in the world....until the end, when I nearly got impacted. It was horrible. I could barely even sit. Let me just say thank god for enemas.
And if I do have it, I'm going to be wracked with guilt wondering if I may have infected anyone with it, since it apparently is contagious. And if I did, I'll feel horrible.
What never ceases to amaze me is how when it comes to these disease crises, it's never anything that is really that substantially big. It's not the least bit impossible for me to have cancer, yet it's not even on the top of my list of things to worry about.
On another note, happy birthday to the beautiful Mr. Vanwyngarden (yes, I do still have a megacrush on him and despite coming to the conclusion that I'm basically asexual....I still would.)
Getting old really freaking blows.
Since I started taking Prozac, I feel like my disease crises have been minimal and short-lived. However, it seems it's no longer working. This obsession over what is going on with my digestive system and worrying that I have H. pylori is taking a toll on me right now. I stopped taking Pepcid the other day because it seemed like it was making my anxiety worse, it was giving me terrible back and leg pain, blowing me up to no end, and it was constipating me. I don't seem to be having terrible heartburn since then or the return of that godawful burning hunger feeling (knock on wood), but I still have an annoying feeling in my throat and that godawful taste coming from either my throat or stomach. I don't even want to talk to anyone because I'm so worried how bad I might smell from it. I'm terrified of eating, that it's going to make me sick/vomit, I'm going to get full easy (seriously, I never get full), that the burning hunger feeling is going to return, you name it.
Then I'm worried about the treatment if I do have H. pylori. Typically two antibiotics, which is like a damn nightmare to me, considering how bad one antibiotic affects me. It's not like I've never done two at one time. When I had endometritis, I had to take Flagyl and doxy. It wasn't the worse thing in the world....until the end, when I nearly got impacted. It was horrible. I could barely even sit. Let me just say thank god for enemas.
And if I do have it, I'm going to be wracked with guilt wondering if I may have infected anyone with it, since it apparently is contagious. And if I did, I'll feel horrible.
What never ceases to amaze me is how when it comes to these disease crises, it's never anything that is really that substantially big. It's not the least bit impossible for me to have cancer, yet it's not even on the top of my list of things to worry about.
On another note, happy birthday to the beautiful Mr. Vanwyngarden (yes, I do still have a megacrush on him and despite coming to the conclusion that I'm basically asexual....I still would.)
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