Random Thoughts

Per annual tradition, I was down the shore for six days last week. At night, the boards were a social distancing nightmare. And a huge majority of the people not wearing masks and/or social distancing were teenagers. I always had a mask on when I was up on the boards, but it wasn't very reassuring.

Right before I left for vacation, I managed to resist taking my thermometer with me. However, as soon as I came home, I started right up again, although I can pat myself on the back over the fact that I have greatly reduced the amount of times I am taking my temperature a day from 8 to 2. Some days it might be 3 or 4, but still better and less stressful than taking it 8 times a day. And you better believe I'm going to keep on it until at least next Friday, when I am at what I assign the 14 day mark.

I can't even explain why I take my temperature. I know a high percentage of Covid patients have a fever as a symptom, but the fact that there are so many asymptomatic people as well kind of defeats the purpose of relying on taking my temperature as a judge to whether I could have it. Just because my temperature is normal doesn't mean I'm not carrying it. But it was just a compulsion I think I happened to pick up after my mom had a Covid exposure scare (the county health department requested that she email them her temperature twice a day) and haven't been able to break entirely.

Random Thoughts

So my boss is officially no longer my boss. This should be interesting from here on out.

Oh, and that Friday my FWA had to leave early for her "personal appointment"? She posted almost 100 pictures from the Franklin Institute on Facebook that day. Personal appointment? Sure. I hope to God when we get a new manager (if ever) that someone puts this stupid whore in her place.

One day she posted a picture of the baby eating cupcakes and wrote how much she loves her cupcakes and a little while later how much she loves her ice cream. One day her mother brought the baby in to work and my FWA gave her Pop-Tarts to eat. Another time she posted a picture of the baby eating a big lollipop. AND YOU WONDER WHY SHE DOESN'T SLEEP?! Bitch, you're on fucking WIC! Give her the healthy food you are supposed to be buying with it! JFC!

She told me Friday that she and her stupid boyfriend were taking the baby to Eagles training camp today. Exactly what interest will an almost 1 1/2 year old have in football practice?

It was nice to be able to go down the shore this year knowing that my days off were approved. It was a fairly nice trip. Minus my nephew's temper tantrums (and my sister's over his). I love him to death but good God, I FULLY understand where the term "terrible twos" comes from. I dread Myrtle Beach in a few weeks, because this time it won't just be my sister hollering at him, it will also be my brother-in-law losing his patience with him every 5 seconds.

Man, it was nice last Sunday knowing I didn't have to get up for work the next day. I still had to wake up early, but I didn't have to go to work!

I also have my teeth cleaning Tuesday and then have to go for my crown fitting on Thursday. Yay! And my tooth hasn't even been bothering me all that much lately. It still hurts if I stick a cotton swab in and bite down on it, but I have been able to chew food on that sign with no real pain. Which of course makes me nervous that I damaged the nerve.

While I was away, I was annoyed at being constipated so I decided to retry the Mira-Lax/Peri-Colace regimen again. It didn't help much, but it does seem to be working somewhat better. I have actually been able to go to the bathroom every day. I'm still feeling bloated but not quite as bad and since I have finally been able to go, I definitely feel a lot better than I did on Friday.

You know, I love visiting the Berry website, but I am starting to feel like everyone on that site is a future alcoholic. What is their obsession with booze? It's a little scary. Also, what is the obsession with Bill Murray on both that site and the Chive?

Random Thoughts

It has not been a good past few days. I have been one miserable agitated bitch. Friday I felt so shitty that the whole drive home all I could think was how bad I wanted to hit the gas pedal and slam into a tree. Yesterday I woke up feeling very anxious and agitated and ended up taking an Ativan before I went anywhere. I went down the shore for the day with my family and it was able to get my mind off of some things for a little bit, but as soon as I came home, I started to feel bad and depressed again. And I am still feeling really bad.

And once again I don't know what is causing it. It could be the post-period miserableness I sometimes get or it could be due to the increase in medicine. Which you would think would show up sooner, but it was a few weeks before Wellbutrin turned me into a paranoid mess that wanted to asphyxiate herself with carbon monoxide. And if it's the Prozac, it's going to be a while before I feel any better, thanks to it having such a ridiculously long half-life.

And once again, can people now see why I was so resistant to going back on medicine? 

Also, despite feeling hornier than fuck at times, I have been unable to have an orgasm.

Last year, we had a new MA start. And lately it has become apparent that she is one of the ones my boss allows to have special privileges. One of my coworkers said to me one day that she doesn't think this chick has worked a full 40 hour week since she started. And now that I think about it, I am starting to think it's true. She missed 3 days of work in January, conveniently got a doctor's excuse the day before a snowstorm, complained her knee was bothering her yet was able to exercise and then go skiing over a weekend where she supposedly got into an accident and broke ribs and then was out a whole week, and she just got back from a week long vacation last Monday and then had a doctor's appointment Wednesday and ended up not coming in the whole day, came in late Thursday and then left a half day, and then was out all Friday. She is also constantly coming in earlier if she has to leave early for an appointment, despite the fact that none of us are allowed to do that anymore (which I blame my FWA for that privilege being taken away).

And while I like this MA, there are times I am really starting to question whether I can trust her or if she is just like the MA she replaced, the one I worked with before I started back- a real trouble maker. Also, she is always in such a hurry to get work done, it's always being done half-assed (although I suspect a lot of times it's not so much she is in a hurry as much as she just simply doesn't feel like doing it) and then I have to clean it up and she is constantly texting on her phone or taking personal phone calls.I can't tell you how many times I have been waiting to use the scanner and she is back there supposedly scanning her own shit but is too busy texting on her phone. I'm telling you- it was better when the job of scanning was left to one person.

But the best part has been listening to my FWA complain all week about her and how much shit she gets away. Glass houses, FWA, glass houses.

On Friday, my FWA's friend posted some article about how chronic lateness might be a medical condition. Oh, that is all she needs to hear. No, honey, it's not a medical condition, it's just called you're a fat lazy slob who can't take responsibility for anything.

And going back to yesterday, aside from feeling so on edge, it was a nice day. A little chilly, but it was sunny and the sky was a flawless blue. More stores were missing from the boardwalk that I liked. And there was one restaurant that I have been going to since I was a kid that while they didn't have the best food (minus their outstanding apple crumb pie), I always liked the atmosphere of the place. And it is now gone. I was heartbroken when I found out last month that it had been sold and then to actually see it closed down was just depressing. I guess this is the fun of getting older, is it? Watching everything you like slowly disappear?

Random Thoughts

Over a month and half later, I am still feeling slightly depressed that Christmas is over, but the more the one Wildwood FB page I am a fan of posts pictures, the more I am starting to feel ready for spring and summer* and going down the shore. MY BODY IS READY.

*minus the severe weather

I don't understand how 99% of the time my father never answers the phone but decides to answer today to a number that isn't even recognizable. And then tells me it's for me. It was my health insurance looking to conduct a survey. And I got a little abrupt on the phone and then hung up in the middle of it. Now I feel really bad, both for being abrupt and for hanging up.

God, I am really not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I ended up having to take a fairly large chart on Friday and I have no idea how I am going to get it done in time for Tuesday morning. I feel like I am going to have a panic attack every time I think of having to go back in and work on it. Plus I am feeling really anxious that I am not even doing it right.

My whole work place is getting on my last nerve anymore. I try to just go in and do my job and leave it at that, but by the end of the day, I leave with a little less teeth (from gritting and grinding) and feeling exceptionally annoyed. I am tired of everyone lying to me and complaining about each other (despite the fact that I am guilty of it and am probably the worst of all, although I do most of my bitching to my family and not to my coworkers) and complaining about other people's mistakes while making plenty themselves. I can't stand listening to my FWA bitch about not being able to get away with anything. I am about to blow my cork on the new woman (we all are, actually, it's just a matter of who will do it first).

Oh, and I am tired of how much everyone loves and still talks about the girl who left right before I started again. If you all remember, I worked with her when I was there before and mentioned plenty of times how immature and two-faced she was, so I fail to see what is so wonderful about her and why she is put on such a high pedestal. Like not one of those dumbasses can see how two-faced she is? I have to laugh at how my FWA thinks she is so wonderful even after discovering this bitch was deliberately starting trouble between her and the racist bitch.

And another one, she started right after I started back in 2009, I like her for the most part, but I have never met someone who likes to criticize and bitch about others mistakes as much as her (except maybe myself). And the funny thing is, she makes plenty of mistakes herself. Oh, and she is also one of those people who is all I don't keep my mouth shut and will tell you how I feel right to your face.....but never does. Also, it gets tiring having to hear about her perfect son and his perfect life all of the damn time. Oh yeah, he is so perfect, that's why he had to be taken to the ER last year with bowel problems from starting to develop an eating disorder because he is involved in one of the stupidest sports ever invented.

And then I like this- almost everyone in my office smokes, minus me and 2 quitters, and now everyone is on their umpteenth time trying to quit and they have those E-cigs and they'll actually smoke them in the office. One girl was even standing up at the front desk the other day trying to smoke it discreetly. I felt like saying, are you fucking kidding me? It would be one thing if it was just a regular day with no patients, but we had a waiting room full of patients.

I guess maybe I am too harsh, but I really have no sympathy for smokers. It's not like these people were raised in the prehistoric time when no one knew it was bad for you. It's been known for plenty of years how bad smoking is. And everyone else who doesn't smoke.

The party ended up going pretty well last night. And as expected it took forever to clean up after, although we at least got home a little after 11. Also, I feel really crappy from all of the food (e.g. desserts) I ate. And I didn't sleep too well and woke up quite a few times feeling hot, which I would either contribute to getting close to period time or from the overabundance of carbs or both.

My nephew's birthday party is next weekend and I found out last night my BIL has a band gig that night. So he probably won't even be around to help clean up. Isn't that nice of him?

Every time I feel like I just got over my period, it already feels like it's time for it again. It doesn't help that I start to experience PMS symptoms a good 2 weeks beforehand. And boy, have I been super bitchy lately. Everything is annoying me, everyone is annoying me, I am annoying me.

And I know I have said things before, but I really don't understand what has happened to ONTD since I started reading it. What are these people that members are stanning for nowadays? Is everyone a 15 year old girl on there now? And there is one member- won't mention any names, but I'll just say they make A LOT of posts- I can't believe a person actually exists in the world that stans for so many terrible people. Every time I see one of his posts, my brain wants to short out from the terribleness of it all. And the constant complaining of white people is just yawn-inducing now. We GET it- you all hate white people. And I am sure most of you are white people yourselves. And don't stand there and complain about how much you hate all white people and we're all the devil and then have fucking Britney Spears as your icon.

I saw an article in the paper last week about a car accident and it said the conditions of the driver weren't released at that time. I generally tend to see that in the news a lot, except for that story back in October. Why couldn't that have been one of those times? Oh no. I still don't understand how the news even found that out, how they even definitely knew that the person was definitely paralyzed (wouldn't it be a little too early to make that call?), or why that kind of information was even released in the first time. All I know is every time I think of it, I get very agitated. The whole thing with That Thing just agitates me, mostly because I don't understand it. And it's not even something I can blame on when my mental issues started getting bad, because if I really think about it, it is clearly something that has deep roots very far back into my childhood. All I know is every time I think of it, I want to pick up a gun and blow my brains out.

Good lord, I don't post for almost a week and then I write a fucking novel.

Random Thoughts

I don't know what it is about their music, but every time I listen to the Neighbourhood- all of the 2 songs I know- it reminds me of the shore. God, do I love the song "Afraid". It's such a great song, although I have to say the first time I watched the video, the lead singer looked absolutely nothing like I expected. I pictured some dorky skinny preppy thing, not a skinny guy covered in tattoos and 2 different hair colors. I should listen to their album sometime.

Come to think of it, the first time I saw a picture of Andrew, he was nothing like I expected either.

Well, my shore trip is done and over with. And it had a big black cloud over it. I tried to push the whole fiasco with work out of my head, I really did, but it just would not budge, along with it's fellow cellmate premature menopause. And I am really pissed at myself for allowing both to ruin my trip. On my last day, I felt so horribly depressed and hopeless I felt like I was going to suffocate from it. It was so unbearable I kept wishing I would just drop dead or that I'd get the guts to kill myself because I couldn't stand feeling so horrible.

The whole situation with work probably doesn't sound all that bad, but it just has me feeling so down and horrible and I am dreading returning to work on Monday. I wish I didn't have to go back. My concentration levels and work productivity were bad enough before all of this happened. It's going to be worse because this will now be weighing on my mind.

It just pisses me off because the whole situation was unnecessary. Everyone knows damn well my boss would have probably approved it. I hadn't had a personal day off since February because I was too damn afraid to take off while my FWA was out on maternity leave. I did fucking overtime every time I was asked, overtime to pick up the slack of everyone else who was off and enjoying their time. All I wanted was 3 days off. Three goddamn days. That's all.

And I keep feeling like this whole thing will not be over when I return. And I dread what kind of emails I may return to. I wish I still had the link to check my mail like when I used to work there before (I deleted the link after I was laid off). All I know is I better not find my email response back to my boss's boss about being told not to enter anything into our pay system missing from my mailbox. Sure it sounds paranoid but I wouldn't put it past those assholes to play dirty like that. And the last thing I am in the mood for right now is playing dirty.

My boss is supposed to come back sometime this week. I don't even want to look at her right now. Actually, none of us do. We're all pretty pissed with her right now.

The first day down the shore, it seemed like my period had ended, but then later on I started bleeding again some and that, of course, lead to a freakout. And my bladder didn't seem to bother me at all during my whole period, now it's bothering me again some. The corners of my eyes are itching like crazy. My eyes have been feeling irritated for about a month. And since I came home, my back has been itching like crazy, as well as my arms and belly. Something new is always coming along and further convincing me of early menopause. And the severe depression and anxiety are only convincing me more. During one of my most recent meltdowns I started to think "am I having this meltdown because I am in perimenopause?" which lead to a bigger meltdown. I am so done with this. I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

And during one of the many times I broke down in tears, my mom was hugging me and she said "I'm sorry I gave you mental illness". I never felt so horrible in my life.

Other than these problems ailing me, and minus the nightmare with my nephew on the first night (he would not go to sleep and screamed ungodly for at least a good 2 hours; I love my nephew, but that scream has got to go), it was a nice 3 days. Too much delicious bad food. I was disappointed the night we went to Hassle's for ice cream because all I wanted was a sundae with mint chocolate chip (best mint ever), hot fudge, and wet walnuts and we get there and they were out of mint chocolate chip. A whole year of waiting to have that sundae!

Random Thoughts

Well, Friday ended up not being too terrible. I think there were still about 10 charts not completed when I left, but hopefully some of them should be taken care of today. I had other jobs to do that day, though, so I didn't get to do as much as I could have. Not that I would have done much anyway. I fucking suck at my job. And I am starting to suck at all the rest of them as well. One of my main problems is I just cannot concentrate for anything. I get distracted easily, I can read something and not absorb one iota of it, etc.....it sucks big time.

Not being terrible doesn't mean it didn't start or end on a hostile note. My manager was going to be in later on in the morning and our most senior employee was on vacation, so I had to open up the office. When I logged in to our computer system, it was pestering me to change my password and since I have been putting it off and have to do it eventually, I say eh screw it I'll do it today. It took over 5 minutes to register my password change. By the time I got in to clock in, it was 8:01. Not to mention I was on the phone with my boss. Apparently our one medical assistant was running late to the satellite office and our one doctor was having a shit fit about it and needed a registration form, so my boss wanted me to fax one over. I tried three times to fax one over and kept getting a busy signal. My boss called me back to find out if I sent it over and I told her it was busy so she gave me the number of the office to call and find out what was going on. I get a nice girl on the phone who transfers me to another lady. She tells me to email one over for her to print out and then starts rapidly firing off her email address. I had to ask her like 3 times to repeat it and then she got kind of hostile with me. Well, I'm sorry my hearing isn't great.

Then later in the day my boss told me around 3PM to start preparing charts for the medical assistants for the Monday appointments and there were so damn many. And I started to feel a little overwhelmed after awhile and by that point the medical assistants had come back from their destinations and one of them asked me if I needed help and I said that I could use quite a bit and for starters this one chart I needed to find out about getting a claim petition for, so she took it and then came back a few minutes with it and told me it was good to go. And then sat back down and proceeded to talk with the other assistant and my manager for over 20 minutes. Offered no more help. Help I desperately needed. I guess that one little task satisfied her help.

I was like 98% finished when I clocked out, but I left feeling frazzled because I didn't get to completely finish my work and I didn't get to check over my work, either. I also was really hating my coworkers. It's always so nice when they're not in the office. Especially the one who offered help. It was nice to finally get rid of my FWA's friend and her always whining how hot she was. Now this bitch is always whining how hot she is and how she thinks she is going through early menopause. No, you're just fat. Plus, she comes in from off of the road and puts her scrub jacket on and then bitches about how it's so damn hot. Take your damn coat off then! It makes no sense. If you're always hot, then why do you put a jacket on? Does anyone else get it? Because I don't.

I also have to laugh at this girl because she's always saying that if she has a problem with someone, she'll tell them right to their face. Yeah, okay. That's why you're always bad-mouthing people behind their backs. And yes, I know, I do it too, but I have never denied that I am a catty bitch. Because I am. In fact, out of everyone in that place, I am probably the worst when it comes to complaining about people, although 99% of the time I do it at home, not in work.

Oh and when I was sitting in my car getting ready to leave, I saw that cow who yelled at me the other day to slow down fly by me. But I need to slow down?

To be honest, the main reason I was fretting about Friday was that I was worried I would be forced to do overtime on Saturday and I had plans to go down the shore for the day. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to jinx myself. Luckily I did not have to.

And how many more damn pictures does my FWA have to post of people holding her baby? Like come on. Although I have to say I thought for sure she'd have posted about 5,000 pictures today, with it being her first Mother's Day and all. But so far she hasn't been too ridiculous.

Anyway, I had a fairly nice weekend. I did get to go down Wildwood and while the weather wasn't the greatest (it was warm, but kind of overcast), it turned out to be a decent day. Went to breakfast at Samuel's, walked the boards, went to Sam's Pizza for dinner. I ate way too much food. Those damn Curley fries.....I have no self-control with those.

I love the shore. I wish I could get down there more often. Just wish Wildwood wasn't getting so damn trashy. One point when we were walking down near the Auntie Anne's, there was a girl outside offering samples and this young guy and girlfriend- two jock-y looking people that resembled the assholes I went to high school with- were walking by and the guy started sarcastically saying oh no I don't need a sample I am too fat too obese (he wasn't fat) and then I hear his girlfriend loudly call him a fat fuck. I just shook my head. Why was that necessary? And why did he have to be so damn rude as well? I fear for the future of this country. I really do.

And then today we just went to dinner for Mother's Day. It wasn't a bad day. I just don't think I can take anymore bad eating! I have been doing so much bad eating for like the past month!

I am also getting that knot in my stomach about going back to work. Ugh.

Random Thoughts

After my 11:30 snack, my back turned red and itchy. I wonder if I am allergic to something, which is making me really anxious and now I feel itchy from head to toe.

And speaking of itching, I went outside earlier because I was going nuts being in the house and within a few minutes, I was bitten about 5 times. So I [angrily] went back inside. And while I was in the bathroom, I happened to look at the back of my right calf and there was a HUGE bite right at the top of  the Achilles tendon area. It had to be at least 2 inches wide and 1.5 inches in height. It was disgusting. I wanted to throw up when I saw it.

And speaking of gross things, I had a big blister on the top of my foot the other day. And even though I know it's a really bad thing to do, I couldn't resist- I pressed on it. Son of a bitch squirted water everywhere. Then the skin came off. I have been keeping it clean with alcohol (holy mother of God does that hurt to pour on! But it's the only thing I trust) and Neosporin, but I am really anxious that it will get infected. And earlier it was hurting and I said something and my mother says "don't start". My family will never get OCD, hypochondriosis, whichever it is.

I did find out that I can return those probiotics, even though they are opened. I really hope they are what is causing this bloating and that it will go away when I go off of them. I haven't felt this fat and miserable since I was on birth control. And I am wondering if by chance, they have something to do with the itching. Sure, allergic reactions can spring up overnight, but it's weird that this started after the pills. Note to future self- the next time you consider changing probiotics, do not. Just stick with the Spring Valley acidophilus.

The weather has been great the past week. And now it's going to get hot again. I think it will only last a few days, but I want this nice weather to stick around. Forever.

I was reading about different hurricanes last night and one article said that Hurricane Sandy was the second costliest hurricane in US history. And it made me wonder- she did so much damage and this was without the tornadoes hurricanes and tropical storms can spawn. I think I remember reading that if it was not for the cold weather and low/limited instability, the tornado threat would have been huge. How much more damage would Sandy have done if she had spawned tornadoes? Would we have surpassed Katrina in damage costs? I hate to think about it.

I am dreading one night that the news will report a hurricane hitting us. All that damage last year. I was just down Seaside this past weekend and so much of it is back. The whole boardwalk is pretty much back, minus piers, some of the bathrooms, and the ski lift. And still nothing on whether the Beach Bar is going to be rebuilt. I hope it is; I liked that place. The food was good. The Beachcomber has good food, but I liked the food at the Beach Bar better. Saturday we ate somewhere else and the food.....meh. Probably won't eat there again.

I wasn't particularly happy about going down. It was a nice day, but I kind of had my fill of shore food and cheese in general for a little bit. Not to mention on our way down, my father starts to make a left hand turn while a car is coming, my mom yells at him, and he says "I have the right away!". Uh, no you do not. My mom kept yelling at him and finally he admits that he was wrong. And then still can't accept he was completely at fault and says "oh well the other cars were slowing down!". That's not the point, old man! My father is turning into a goddamn road hazard.

Okay. I have been to Wildhood and Seaside three times each. Now maybe I can finally get to Ocean City, goddamn it! I want Manco and Manco pizza! Plus, I always get Dairy Queen when I am there. I can get DQ at Wildhood as well, but I am a huge fan of Hassles Ice Cream Parlor and I'd rather have that. Not that I can't get DQ at the mall, but I try to avoid that mall as much as possible.

And last but not least, my boys are going to be on Letterman this week! Thursday, I think. Yay!

Random Thoughts

So it's been over a week and I guess it's safe to say I did not have diverticulitis. I am still bloated as anything, though. Like birth control bloating, if not worse. I feel so fat and miserable, I want to tear my hair out. I look like I am fucking pregnant! And I think I may be able to get a refund for the pills, so I have to decide whether to return them. I probably should, since I feel so miserable.

And speaking of disease fears, it seems like the Addison's fear has been in dormancy for quite some time. Will it ever go away? Unlikely. That fear tore such a deep hole in my soul that I don't think anything, even a perfect ACTH stimulation test, will ever make it go away.

I just got back from Wildhood a few days ago. It was a nice couple days, for the most part. Minus the ignorant ass people. Look, I know Wildhood is not exactly the epitome of classy shore resorts, but I have never been around so many rude people down there in all of the years I have been going. I was appalled. And they were either ghetto ass people or foreigners.

One night I was coming down the steps at the motel and there were two guys sitting at the bottom and when I walked by, I heard one of them say "oh this is a good spot to sit". Now I don't definitely know if he was making a reference to enjoying my rear-end or what, but the kid was like 15. I wanted to turn and say to him, honey, please; I know I supposedly look young for my age, but I am going to be 30 years old in a couple months, so dream on.

And speaking of big rear-ends, I felt like such a cow at the pool. Even though 95% of the people there were significantly bigger than me. I am normal body weight; why do I still have to feel fat? There was even a Tan Mom doppelganger there. Bleached hair, extreme faux tan, saggy body and big belly, and wearing a teeny string bikini. She was nasty. I don't know how her daughter walked with her. I told my mother if she looked like that, I would pretend not to know her.  

My brother-in-law and my father came down one of those days and as usual, the former was a pain in the ass. Not friendly, trying to control everything, talking to my sister like she is stupid. Hell, even my sister was pissed with him. She told me she wishes he didn't even bother coming down. At some point, he made a snide comment to me and I told my sister about it later. She was not happy. I totally would have loved to have told her the millions of other snide comments he has made.

And the boy has absolutely no patience with my nephew. It's ridiculous. It's pretty bad that I, the person who loathes children, have more patience with the baby than his own father. Clearly he is one of those idiots who doesn't realize how much raising a child involves. Why are so many people clueless to this? You are taking care and raising a whole other human being. A human who has no idea what to do for themselves for a while. What do people expect?

And one night when we were all in bed, my sister was playing on her phone and makes some comment that oh I am going to love this news and hands me her phone. My FWA's boyfriend, who graduated with my sister, posted on Facebook that he is going to be a father. My FWA is pregnant. The idea of that dumb white trash bitch being a mother is terrifying. Plus, for someone who has claimed to have miscarriages in the past, she is an awful big rush to announce it.

Oh well. Guess her boyfriend will definitely stick around now. *eye roll*

I have been debating whether to send her a congratulations or not. She couldn't have the decency to congratulate me on becoming an aunt or to at least tell me to tell my sister congratulations when I told her that my sister was pregnant after I posted something about her baby shower and she replied with "your sister is pregnant?". This was more than two months after I announced it on Facebook. She tells me she loves looking at the pictures I post, but does she "like" any? Does she comment on any? No. Sure, doing neither of the two doesn't mean anything, but frankly, I think 98% of the shit that comes out of her mouth is lies. I've caught her in quite a few before. I really don't want to wish her a congratulations. But then if I run into her (I ran into her in June) or God forbid, I get invited to her baby shower at work, if one is thrown, it would be awkward.

Ugh. That baby shower. I swear, I never thought I could hate extended family anymore than I already did. Then my sister's baby shower happened. Damn assholes. Also, I was thinking earlier how idiot mombies can't grasp the idea of someone not wanting to be a mother. Well, everytime someone tells me they want a baby, I want to ask them why. I'll pass, thank you.

And now I can't stop laughing thinking of all of the times she thought girls were after her boyfriend. He's like 300 plus pounds! Hardly anyone is going to be knocking down the door to get him! And if it ever crossed her mind that I would go after him, I would slap her across the face and then I would laugh until I choked to death. And then I would beg Satan or God (wherever I end up) to send me back to earth so I can laugh until I choke to death again.

Random Thoughts

I just finally finished this insufferable book I started last week. It was The Stars Shine Bright by Sibella Giorello. It started off okay, then I read reviews of it and discovered that there were mentions of Christianity in it. Not long after I read that review, the religious crap started coming. Now despite no longer calling myself Christian, I have read books that discussed Christianity in the past and some were way too preachy, and then there were some that were actually pretty good. And at first the book wasn't too bad. Then I got to the section where Ashley was discussing having an abortion and Raleigh was being all judgmental about it. I almost stopped reading it then, but I decided to push on. Then I got to the paragraph about evolution and I was tempted to throw the book into the pool. Are you kidding me, Ms. Giorello? I really would have stopped reading the book right then and there if I wasn't dying to know who the suspect was.

I had to laugh at the part when Raleigh is in her apartment and someone talking about global warming comes on the television, so she decides to open up her refrigerator and freezer door out of spite. Ooo, you sure showed them, Raleigh, you badass!

Do you know what time I ended up going to sleep on Monday night? Sometime after 4AM. I was so upset over my tooth that I couldn't fall asleep. Then a thunderstorm rolled through for over 2 hours. And during that time, there were periods where I would start to doze off and a big crack of thunder would boom and scare the bejesus out of me. That was a nasty storm system that rolled through. It was one of those systems where it storms for a while, then gets quiet and you think it ended, and next thing you know, it's thundering and lightning again and then it starts pouring all over again. And I normally like to fall asleep to the rain, but the rain was pounding so hard on our roof that it was keeping me awake.

I had to get up early on Tuesday morning because we were heading down Wildhood for a couple days. It was a nice couple days. Except for a few cranky moments, cutie patootie nephew was very pleasant. I was honestly dreading sharing a room with an infant, but he slept well. Hell, I slept pretty well, which is a shocker. My only complaint is I also had a guest decide to come along on my mini-vacation. That bitch doesn't seem to want to stay home on any of my vacations anymore.

My other complaint is breakfast on Thursday. I don't really want to get into details, because the image is etched in my brain forever, but I'll say this- if you are a fat blonde bitch with 3 kids and probably your mother who ate at Jimbo's restaurant in Wildwood on Thurday, July 25th and had the nerve to leave the table with your child's vomit on a plate without telling anyone, and then have the nerve to leave a $2 tip- you are a horrible person.

I like that Wildhood enacted that ban on droopy pants. Pull your damn pants up! I see plenty of other clothing horrors that could use a banning down there as well. I can't decide which shore site has more revolting sights- Wildhood or Seaside. It's a tough call.

On the way home, I started to feel kind of blue and I was going to bring up a few things to my sister, but I never did. I have always had difficulty in the past talking out my feelings to people, but lately I have become completely incapable of doing so. I don't know why. I go to spill my feelings and it's like my brain just completely freezes. And it bothers me that I can't talk to people. Especially my own family. I shouldn't feel like I can't talk to my own family. But I do. Especially because my current method of dealing with my issues and problems (internalizing everything) is clearly not working and is just making everything worse.

And finally, good news! DownloaderHelper updated the other day and since then, I have no longer had any trouble with Shockwave Flash. I had a feeling the previous update was what was causing it, but I wasn't about to get rid of DH. Now I know it was. And no longer having trouble! Huzzah!

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Last month when we received our phone bill, there had been an extra $1.99 charge for mobile broadband data usage. When it comes to a cellphone, there are only 3 things I do with one- make calls, text, and use the calculator. I have no idea whatsoever when or how my phone ever accessed the web. Well, I just checked the billing for this month and once again, a $1.99 charge was slapped on. I think I just cried for 40 minutes. Reasonable reaction? No, but I think I am long past the point of trying to explain myself. All I know is I am very annoyed. I am really starting to hate this phone. Phones should not be able to access the internet unless they are activated to do so. But then I guess the cellphone carriers can't bilk money out of their customers, can they?

Tropical storm Andrea, or whatever she is, is expected to brush the coast on Friday. Yay. The tropical crap is already starting up. I'm already starting to get worried about any possible tornado warnings. On top of the normal severe weather worries, now I am going to be a nervous wreck throughout the entire hurricane season. I never really had to worry about them before. Now hurricanes and other various tropical systems seem to have a vendetta for NJ. Sandy sucked eggs when she hit, but at least she didn't spawn any tornadoes.

This weather is nuts. All of those tornadoes out west. It's a wonder I haven't been having tornado nightmares out the wazoo. No, instead I had another dream about bugs last night. Giant one foot long bugs that were shitting everywhere. It was disgusting.

And going back to Sandy, I went down Wildwood this past weekend. I will never complain about the long trek from the boards to the ocean again. I wonder how bad the damage would have been to Wildwood's boardwalk had it been closer to the ocean. It's just a shame that the clientele of Wildwood is really going downhill. Not that it was ever great to begin with, but man oh man, has it gotten worse. I'll never forget that time when I was down for the weekend and that huge group of kids came running down the boards. I'd still like to know what that was all about.

I just read some blind over on Blind Gossip about a reality couple who sleeps in separate beds. I don't know why I find it so funny, but I do. I don't see a problem with separate beds for sleeping. If I ever got married, there is no way in hell I want to share a bed with someone. I am annoying to share a bed with. I toss and turn, I hog the covers, etc. Oh, and I probably kick people a lot. I don't get to do it in real life, so my subconscious makes me do it in my sleep.

I have been craving Popeye's since....oh, December. I have still yet to get it. I also have a craving for Cracker Barrel. And probably about a million other places. I just went to the Cheesecake Factory a couple weekends ago and I am already wanting to go back. Next time I go, I am going to try the spicy chicken sandwich. And possibly the dutch apple cheesecake. Last time I went, I had the pineapple upside down cheesecake. It was awesome. I might just want to get that again. Or the pina colada cheesecake, if summer is the season for it. I can't wait for the pumpkin to come back.

And speaking of food, I have not been able to buy my Tastykake angel food cakes that I love oh so much. I am in severe withdrawal. And sad if I can't ever get them again.

Random Thoughts

Well, it's been an interesting weekend. Friday night, the group of us- me, my mom, sister, aunt, grandmom, my mom's friend and my aunt's friend- finally got together again and went to dinner. We went to the new Longhorn in Deptford. Where 99 used to be *sniffs*. You wouldn't even know it was a 99. God, I love Longhorn. And I had a REAL cheeseburger.

Saturday was just a WTF day. It was Irish Weekend down the shore and we usually go. My dad assumed we were going, but never said anything to anyone. And we ended up not going, due to that and due to my mom's car breaking down. My sister refused to offer up her car to go and my mother got mad at her, since they do nothing but drive her places all the time. I got the blunt end of her anger, that parents should be killed when they reach a certain age, and she wishes she could move far away so she doesn't have to deal with anyone anymore (really- do people still wonder why I am so fucked up in the head?). But I ended up just running to some stores, coming home, then running back out later. And having the fun of getting caught in a downpour.

Sunday we decided to go to down the shore for Irish Weekend. And thanks to the cold front moving in on Saturday, it was nice and cool out. It was a nice day overall.

ONTD put up a post on MGMT performing at the Joshua Light Show and I watched a little bit of it on Youtube, and it actually made me feel a little better about not going. Don't get me wrong, I still would have went had I gotten the chance. I honestly knew nothing about the Joshua Light Show, and I was far too lazy to research it, but the show was nothing like I expected. I thought they would be performing their usual songs, but they didn't. There was no singing. Just weird music. It was cool, I won't deny it, but it was one of those artsy shows I would have sat staring at in absolute horror and absolute fascination. I like weird things, but some things I just don't get.

I wonder why Andrew decided to grow his hair out again. I'm certainly not complaining, since he is about the only man I think can pull it off, but he kept it short for a long time. And it's odd to say about someone about to turn 30 years old in a few months, but he's getting so grown up looking! I still want someone to put him and Harry together in a picture so I can finally figure out why he reminds me of Andrew. That would make my day, to see them two together in a picture. Also, they share a birthday. February 1st was apparently a good day.

Picture #10.....dat ass.

Random Thoughts

Well, that was a quick vacation. As expected. It also went a lot better than I expected. The past few days were actually some of the best days I had in a while. It was the first time in a long time where I repeatedly laughed so hard my sides hurt. I just hate how trashy Wildwood is becoming. It is such a huge part of my childhood and seeing it heading down the path it is is just depressing.

Now it is time to head back the hellhole. I hate to see the mess that fucking bitch is going to leave me in my office. I keep praying that tomorrow comes my Me, Myself & Irene moment. I just know all I am going to want to do is pick up my shredding bin, take it in the center, dump it over her head, and scream "clean up your own damn mess, you lazy fucking cow! I'm not your mother!"

I was thinking one day how whenever I complain about guys always going for trashy girls, I pretty much always get the same response- oh those aren't the girls they want to marry. Please! They usually do marry them! Almost every ho I went to high school with is married.

I am so sick of people sugarcoating this relationship shit to me. Just because I have never been in one doesn't mean I don't know anything about them. I mean, for God's sake, I have never had sex and I seem to know more about it than most people who are having it.

So I finally broke down and fanned the Sitch on Facebook. And boy does that boy clog up my newsfeed with postings! I swear, he has posted about fanning *shudders* his brother Marc to get him to 45,000 fans about 6,000 times in the past few days.

It's funny, because when you read through comments on things he posts, a lot of people slam him and it's like, well, why did you become a fan of him? Makes no sense to me. And I am not talking regular bashing. I am talking pretty nasty names, even for a douchebag like him. "Fag" is a cruel word and not acceptable no matter how much of a jackass the recipient is.

I also realized something extremely depressing- any of the people who do actually praise him are all like 12 years old. Tween girls, possibly the most annoying age group of children in history and on earth, who shouldn't even know who he is, seem to be the ones who think he is hot. That is disturbing on so many levels. Jesus....I never realized I had that terrible taste in men. Yick!

I hate to admit, but reading some of his posts, he does actually seem like a really nice guy. And honestly, I don't really find it much of a surprise. And you know what the sad part is? I would actually like to meet him. But I never would. I would never dare put myself in his presence.

But the other day I came across this:












His abs were on vacation? I wonder where they went.

He actually has to brag about unveiling his abs? There have been pictures recently from the filming of the *pukes* 5th season. Before this FB posting. So why is it an unveiling?

And why does he insist on referring to himself in the third person?

Wait a minute....




















Bitch, please.

Random Thoughts

So I found out my rate increase and....look, I am happy I got one, don't get me wrong. But considering how poor my evaluation ended up being, I am not happy with it. I am still absolutely LIVID over my evaluation. And some of the other scores were pretty fucking pathetic, too. I don't doubt these people are pretty hard workers and their scores were abysmal.

And finding out that the racist bitch in work- who comes and goes as she pleases and spends most of the day on the phone (when our records custodian is making comments about someone, then you know it is pretty bad) when she is actually in work and when she isn't doing that, she is rushing into her email box to type out an email to our manager to rat someone out- makes significantly more than I do. I just think of some of the people who make more than I do (this bitch and my WA) and then I think of the things they do and I just want to punch the wall.

My WA spent over an hour back talking to her friend today and when we were leaving, she says to me something about the next two days they are going to have a bitch fest at the end of the day and I am welcome to join and I wanted to turn around and say "yes, that would be lovely and I would infact enjoy that very much; however, I am on the clock and am expected to be working".

My WA was planning on leaving an hour early today because her stomach was bothering her and she could barely keep her eyes open. I seriously just cannot with her anymore. Every fucking week, she is leaving for some reason or another and it's always "I have to make up my time and stay late today" and then she always ends up leaving with me. She is never in work on time (I will come out at 10 after 8 and her office is still dark). She takes longer than a half hour lunch (which she finally confirmed for me the other day). Her theory is as long as she makes her 8 hours, what is the big difference, which in a way, makes sort of sense, but 1) I doubt she ever does, judging by whenever I actually see her in work and 2) WE ARE GIVING A SCHEDULE.

I am just beyond fed up with that place. And there is no point in even complaining anymore, because everyone's theory is just "it is what it is". Every time someone says that to me, I see red.

I went down Wildwood for the weekend and it wasn't a bad weekend. The boardwalk was just a crazy house, though. I think it was the start of Senior Week, which is just always a dandy time to be down there. I saw a t-shirt in one of the stores that said "Senior Week 2011 Get Drunk Or Go Home" and I was just like, really? It just astonished me. And then the best part was when we were coming back and we were coming up towards Douglas' Salt Water Taffy and this huge- and I mean HUGE, like probably a hundred or so- group of black kids (what? That is what they were; I am not being prejudice) comes running from the opposite direction and then they go running off the boardwalk exit at James' Salt Water Taffy. I don't know what the fuck was going on. A flash mob, a fight was going to break out, whatever. All I know is it scared the hell out of me. My legs would not stop shaking the rest of the walk off the boardwalk. All I kept thinking was, if I die here tonight, I am going to be really fucking pissed. I would welcome death right now (especially with the fact that That Thing is rearing it's ugly head again) but I want it to be by my own doing, not at the hands of some cretins that didn't get enough beatings as children.

And as noted, I also got my first bad case of sunburn of the summer. I am in horrible pain.

And for absolutely no reason at all, I want to just say how much I hate that "Love Pink" crap from Victoria's Secret. Every time I see a girl wearing them (which I can generally know right off the top of my head who is going to be wearing the crap; it's not that hard, really), I want to puke.

Random Thoughts

Ugh, why can weekends never go as slow as the work week?

At the risk of sounding like a commercial, do you know what gets me through the work week? Looking forward to hearing WOGL's Breakfast Club in the morning. I freaking love listening to them. They are so funny. Their daily shindings are hilarious. I love the Ask The Mayor segment, although I am not fully convinced that it really is Mayor Nutter. And the Buck a Bark contest every Thursday. And Squiggy. I love Squiggy.

I went to Dairy Queen on Saturday to finally get my pumpkin pie Blizzard and I had one of their sucky ass coupons for buy one 16 oz, get another free. To make a long story short, I basically spent 10 minutes explaining to every employee there how the damn coupon works. It would not sink in for anything. I was ready to scream by the time they finally got it. And then, on top of it all, one of the employees actually asked me for friggin' ID when I showed her the coupon! Yes, the coupon had my name on it and everything, but....seriously? This is not top secret government work. It is a coupon for a freaking Dairy Queen Blizzard.

I hate the Cherry Hill mall. If it were not for JC Penney's and the Dairy Queen, I'd never step foot near that ghetto ass place. Parking is a chronic nightmare and I don't even know how 99% of the people that go there even afford to shop there. Cherry Hill Mall has one of those Wildwood syndromes- they changed the scenary, but not the situation.

Our dog recently had some teeth pulled and to prevent infection, we had to give her antibiotics for a week. It was like a freaking project just to get her to take the pills. Why are dogs so difficult when it comes to taking pills? They eat everything under the fucking sun, some even eat their own shit, but they refuse to just eat pills. I never get that.

I am switching back and forth between here and Poorly Dressed and I like how 85% of the submissions are fat gothic kids. I hate gothic kids. They got on my nerves in high school, with their black everything and their poems about the world being their prison. I think it was the making light of depression that pissed me off the most. They should all be put out to pasture.

Random Thoughts

Tasty Deee-Lite | TMZ.com

I just looked at that picture again and I realized that her shirt (or dress, probably dress) looks like its covered in those balloons clowns use to make balloon animals. I swear, that woman can make anything look good on her. If she came out in a Hefty Hefty Hefty trashbag, she would probably look fucking awesome in it. I watched the clip of them on Vh-1's Greatest Songs of the 90s and I noticed that the dude from What Not To Wear was a commentator and I wondered what he thought of her style back then, and then I wondered what his co-host Stacy London would say about her style. Bitch would probably rip it apart. And do you know what I say to that? BITCH, PLEASE!

I went down the shore over the weekend and even this early in the season, I still managed to get some sunburn. After last summer, and many previous summers, and in addition to being pale, if I develop skin cancer one of these days, I will not be surprised. Other than that, it wasn't too bad of a weekend. Although I thought the shore would be a lot more empty. But it wasn't. Because it was fucking cheerleading competition weekend. Cheerleaders are annoying, and the younger they are, the more annoying they get. If it weren't for the oh-so-obvious "cheerleader" on most of their uniforms and the big ridiculous bows in their hair, I would have thought I was looking at a bunch of midget whores. Awful lot of fat cheerleaders anymore, too. Kind of gross to have to look at the big rolls of fat sticking out of their cut-out uniforms. And the mothers are even worse. You can tell that cheerleading moms fall into two categories: 1. they were former cheerleaders themselves and are now massively fat or 2. they wanted to be cheerleaders, but weren't thin or pretty enough to make the squad so now they force their daughter to live their dream. Just like those pathetic mothers that force their daughters to do child beauty pageants.

My bitterness towards cheerleading is a lot more complex. If I had to explain what it is, then I would have to reveal something else that I would prefer to not reveal. I can assure you it has absolutely nothing to do with ever wanting to be a cheerleader (I never did, except briefly in high school until I went to the try-out meeting and almost had a massive stroke trying to suppress my laughter at the coach with her whole "cheerleading is life!" spiel).

Random Thoughts

Happy [belated] Easter!

I have been a bit busy for the past few days. Haven't felt much like coming on and I also had a two day babysitting shinding. Fairly simple, although I was told the kid was pretty self-sufficient and I figured, great, I can read my books and keep an eye on him. Pretty easy. Unfortunately, he demanded I do stuff with him. Really, though I didn't mind because I am cool with playing with Legos and video games and all that. Kid told me I need to join a soccer league after playing some game he created called goalie with him.

I have mentioned before that there are many times I react inappropriately to things or find things that aren't really that funny. Whether that is all part of being human or just due to my sick mind, well that I can't answer. I saw Sunshine Cleaning on Thursday with my sister and at the part with the kid's birthday, when the waiters come out singing, the first thing that came into my mind was, what is the sound of one hand clapping? and I started to laugh (not loud, of course; I behave in the movie theaters) and then it turned into one of those laughs where tears are pouring down my face and I can't breathe and I had to put my head in between my legs just to keep quiet. I don't know why I found it so funny. I think it was lack of sleep. I tried to think of things that wouldn't make me laugh, but instead I thought of the part in Buffy The Vampire Slayer (the movie) when she tells the one-armed vampire to clap. That didn't help. At all. Just made me laugh harder.

I had a nice Easter. Was up at the ass crack of dawn (for me, that is; was jolted awake after having yet another tornado nightmare....more on that later), was going to go for a long walk but ended up riding my stationary bike instead for an hour, then went down Wildhood for the day. Got the Sam's pizza I have been craving since last fall. Walked around, though not much was open. Went to dinner on the way home and then came back and hung out.

Now about tornados....since I have been little, one of my greatest fears in life are tornados. Any time spring starts to roll around, I get that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing that tornado watches and warnings are in the near future. Whenever we actually get one, I get sick to my stomach and terrified out of my mind. A couple weekends ago, one hit not far from me in Pennsylvania and the houses that were destroyed in it were very similar to the house I live in. It was not even that powerful of a tornado, probably an F0 or the low end of an F1, and it just picked the houses up off the ground and tossed them. Since seeing that, I have been really anxious over it. Even writing this right now, I can feel my stomach going into knots at the thought of it.

In new news, I am going to complain about the thing that usually makes me complain- weight. It really is frustrating. Why can't someone create something that tells you how many calories you burn a day? Oh sure you can find tons of calculators on the internet, but I have to wonder how reliable they are. Entering in my info, how can one say that my basal metabolic rate is roughly the same as another 25 years old 5'3 female that weighs 155 pounds? There is the varying degrees of calorie intake. There is the matter of determining what exactly is my activity level. Here are some of the levels of calorie intake I get:

Daily Plate- 1391 (if I am considered lightly active)
Free Diet Blog- 1649
Prevention- 1690 to maintain
Spark People- 1200 to 1550
Calorie Count- 1200 to 1250
Mayo Clinic- 2000 to maintain
WebMD- 1200 to 1438
Hpathy- 1301 to 1551
Diet Blog- 1237 to 1443
My Fitness Pal- 1220 to 1270 (this is in net calories)

I have also gotten advice to take in 10 times your goal weight. Which would put me roughly into the right range- 1200 to 1250. There are so many conflicting articles on the internet I want to scream. If I were to eat a 1250 calorie diet, do I simply do that along with exercising? Or say I burn off 200 calories; do I eat back that 200 calories; therefore, really eating 1450? Or I just stay at the 1250 I ate and end the day at 1050? But then that puts me below 1200, which supposedly is not good. But if my BMR is 1400 and if it is figured that BMR+ calories burned in activity, which would come to 1600, 1050 from 1600 would put me at the calorie deficit to lose a pound. But then I am below the 1200 mark. But to lose weight you are supposed to burn more than you take in, so what the hell is the difference? Then there is a tool on Calorie Count that takes into consideration exercising and it says I burn 1800 in a typical day, which would put 1200 to 1300 calories as a 500 to 600 calorie deficit. Good God, I am so confused right now, I could scream.

As of lately, I have been averaging around 1300 (although Easter was more like 13,000). I have no idea whether to move up to 1400 or to move down to 1200/1250. I am afraid to move up for fear of gaining weight. I don't want to move down if I need to eat more. If ending the day below 1200 is what is keeping weight on me, then it is obvious what the answer is. But I don't know. And I want to tear my hair out.

At the end of 7th grade, I went on a diet. I was about what I weigh now. I cut down and got down to about 114 pounds. My calorie intake was low, probably about 1100 calories a day and I exercised for about 20 minutes a day. Even with that harsh of a restriction of calories, I still lose roughly 1 to 2 pounds a week. I didn't lose like crazy. Some weeks I didn't even lose. Maybe my calorie intake is really low. I don't know the answer to that either. I would really prefer to not ever lower to that extreme of a level of calories again, though.

Maybe for a week or so, I should do this- on days I exercise, I eat about 1300 to 1400. I have cut back on exercising to 5 days from 7 and on those 2 days, I eat 1200 to 1250. Do that whole zig zag thing everyone preaches about.

Speaking of confusion....my damn taxes still have not been done.