The Awesome? Of The Day

Guess who was officially offered a job today? This girl!

And to think how much I could have enjoyed being out of work had I known I would end up back there again instead of being a mental wreck. FML.

Also, I have not received one like or comment on my announcement from any of my former coworkers. To be fair, maybe none of them have been on yet. But if they have....

7:04PM: Only one former coworker (former former coworker?) has said anything to me. My FWA and another person who considered me a friend have both been on several times and nothing. I mentioned the other day to my sister that I was a little disappointed by how everyone acted when I was there the other day and she said "don't let it bother you; if you get the job, just go in and do your job and don't even bother with anyone if you don't have to". That is essentially what I tried to do when I worked there before, but I still managed to get dragged into things I didn't want to.

Random Thoughts

My "interview" the other day went well. I had to take a couple short quizzes, which my former manager told me to not over think them. I ended up doing extremely well on them, as well as the typing test. I also had to do a brief performance of what I would be doing and I am assuming I did well on that as well. My FM told me that she was going to highly recommend me for the job and as far as she is concerned, I have the job. So hopefully something will come of this.

However, maybe I am just uber sensitive this week due to my impending period, but I left feeling really shitty  from how my former coworkers acted towards me. My FWA and I talked for a while and yes, I finally had no choice but to congratulate her on her pregnancy. But everyone else was just.....well, not friendly. I felt and still feel worthless from it. And last night when I was trying to unsuccessfully fall asleep, I thought about how my FM raves about me and my work ethics.....and then I thought about the time she spent over a half hour bad-mouthing me with the racist bitch. And all I could think is, how can I believe anything that comes out of her mouth?

Lately I have been having really bad anxiety about doing anything for fear of something bad happening. I don't want to ask anyone to do anything with me or if someone asks me if I need something while they are out I don't want to ask them to do something for me because I am worried something bad will happen and I will never be able to forgive myself. I have all of these horrible images running through my head constantly. I don't necessarily want to end my life, but I would like to rip my brain out of my head and splatter it all over the walls. Getting real tired of its shit. Too bad a mind can't be reinstalled like computer software.

So while I am blindly enjoying the music, I am seeing mixed reviews about the new MGMT album. Some people absolutely love it and others loathe it. I have read some pretty harsh reviews of it, including a particularly harsh one that not only seemed to have a vendetta for the band, but also called Andrew an asshole (hdu). My only real complaint about the album is I wish the vocals on many of the songs were a little louder. I have a difficult time hearing them. As for the songs:

"Alien Days"- I think 270+ play counts of it since I magically obtained a copy of it two days after Record Store Day speaks volumes of what I think of it

"Cool Song no. 2"- like the song; that video, though....

"Mystery Disease"- like it

"Introspection"- one of my favorites; they pull off covers well

"Your Life is a Lie"- love it

"A Good Sadness"- one of my favorites

"Astro-Mancy"- no opinion yet. I remember reading somewhere that it was inspired after Andrew saw the Northern Lights in Iceland. I can see that, although my favorite thing to listen to when looking at pictures of the Northern Lights (since I have sadly never seen them in person) is "Siberian Breaks".

"I Love You Too, Death"- this was one I thought I would really like, since I have an overt fixation with death, but so far I don't particularly care for it

"Plenty of Girls in the Sea"- not a particular fan of this one, either. That Jimmy Fallon performance, though.....LOL

"An Orphan of Fortune"- will likely become a favorite

Bits and parts of this album remind me a little of Depeche Mode's Playing the Angel.

And so, as you know, they are coming to Philly in December and I am really hoping I can go. What better birthday gift? I said something to my sister about it the night I found out and she didn't say anything about going, although she did send me a message telling me her husband asked if he has to go. Um, no. And I wouldn't really want him there trying to control everything, anyway. I don't know if that meant she would go or what. I said something to my mother about it the next day and she said "I guess I will have to go with you?" and then something about my birthday.

I wish I knew what was going on, though, because I want to try to get tickets ASAP. Although I am incredibly confused about ticket purchasing. The pre-sale started Friday and I don't know if only fan club members can order them or I could order them. But I need to know how many to get and I want to know if I don't get a choice in choosing where to sit. And if I wait until the day the Electric Factory starts, then will I get to choose my seats? That was the nice thing about Musikfest, getting to choose where to sit. They are the only music concert tickets I have ever purchased, so I don't know much on how it works. Argh, I am so goddamn confused!

10:11PM: Um.....I do not believe there are seats at the Electric Factory. That explains why there is no choice of seats on the website. Fuck. I really want to see them again, but whether I can deal with that kind of atmosphere is a horse of another color.

Random Thoughts

Yay, I currently have the new MGMT CD in my possession. I was up and out before noon to run to Best Buy- the only store I know of that was selling it- to get my copy. Huzzah!

And while I still love the band and their music, I am really, REALLY starting to get annoyed with the fan base. I'm sorry, have I stumbled into a One Direction forum and am misreading One Direction as MGMT? Because that is what I am starting to feel like. I said before that the people who are only here for "Kids" didn't bother me much, as I figure it's their lost. However, once I stumbled upon this article and read this part, my mind completely changed:

A group of high schoolers admit that they don't even know Congratulations, MGMT's polarizing second album from 2010, even exists.

Seriously? I mean, for the love of God, REALLY??? I wonder how many true fans missed out going to that concert because a bunch of assholes who apparently know nothing about the band got tickets instead. Although I am sure this group mentioned above is not the "Kids"-only fans. These are probably the ones who are there for one thing and one thing only- Andrew. Yes, yes, I know I could go on for decades about how hot and gorgeous he is. I did like their music long before I saw what any of them looked like, though. But these girls are so fucking annoying. There has been one on their Twitter page lately who keeps leaving comments that are borderline sexual harassment. Why she has not been banned yet, I don't understand. And someone called her out on her comments earlier, and then later on another dumb bitch comes in and reams that girl out for "slut shaming" (I swear, whoever invented that term needs a swift kick to the ass).

The girl calling the idiot out was hardly slut shaming. What the girl was saying is disgusting and disrespectful. There is no reason to tell someone, whether you are joking or not, to post pictures of his penis. Do these people even stop and think maybe, just maybe, it may make someone feel uncomfortable? If I was a celebrity and had fans telling me to post pictures of my lady parts, I would be very pissed. Then again, if I had fans tweeting me that shit, I would not hesitate to post something telling them if they do not stop, I will block them. And can you imagine if a man was saying similar things to a female singer? People would be out for blood.

I wonder how many of these girls go after his girlfriend and say nasty things about her, if not directly at her. I know she supposedly has had nasty stuff thrown at her. I kind of feel bad for her. She looks like a nice girl. These children need to have several seats.

Also, Ben sounds really pretentious in a lot of articles. I can't put my finger on why, but he just does. And that one before- Kirsten Dunst? Really? LOL. I don't dislike her, but.....seriously? That is a strange pairing. And the most shocking of all if was true and referring to Andrew- he actually dated someone older than him? And here is another really good article. I do wonder, though, is Ben's comment about things being safe and sound supposed to be snark against the Capitol Cities song? If it is.....come on. I don't think that song is meant to be taken seriously.

That second picture.....


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I received an email on Monday night congratulating me on being eligible to move forward in the employment process. I had to fill out this long ass application. A few hours after I finished it, I received a call from my former manager that she was given the okay to bring me in. So I am going in at 1:00PM later on. I am more annoyed over it interrupting my lunch time than anything.

I want a job, and I am somewhat excited over working somewhere I already know the ins and outs of, as well as getting a paycheck and benefits again finally. I also like that it is pretty close to home. But I am really not excited about working with these people again. I started to cry earlier because all I could think is, I don't want to be around these people again. I just want to write them off, put them in the past and move on. Like many other things in life.

And do you know what is not helping? It's getting close to that time.

Random Thoughts

Good god, I cannot believe what happened down Seaside. Aside from the pier, that end of the boardwalk had not been nearly as damaged as the rest of the boardwalk after Sandy. And now it is gone. It's cruel. And if it was arson, then that is beyond cruel. My heart was broke watching the raging fire on the news on Thursday. It looked like what I would imagine hell to look like.

The Beachcomber is now gone as well. Now I really wish I would have ate there the last time I was there (the place I ate last time I was there is gone as well). And do you know what really pisses me off? How its claim to fame in the papers is that it is where that vile orange cockroach got punched in the face. I think what offends me the most about her is not only has she and her fellow roaches given a bad name to Italians, but she is not even Italian! And sorry, being raised by Italians does not make you Italian. I could be adopted by Japanese people, but it still won't make me Japanese. I will still be a half Italian, half Scotch-Irish white as freaking Christmas nutcase.

Gee, do you think you can spare us with the hurricanes this year, Mother Nature???

So I don't know how the job interview went. I don't think I bombed, but I don't know if I sold myself enough. And when I answered the phone and found out a man was interviewing me, I got even more nervous. And sometimes I had a hard time hearing what he said. And the previous night, I researched how to answer several typical interview questions. Except the two I was actually asked, one about salary and the other "why do you want this position". I completely brain-farted on the last one and spewed some bullshit answer.

And then I had a list of questions to ask, since that apparently is important to do, and once he asked me if I had any questions, I realized none of these questions were appropriate for the interview. They were too formal and the interview was pretty informal. Plus, this was a third party interviewing me. I don't even know if they could have actually answered the questions.

I kicked myself in the ass after getting off the phone for not pushing more about my previous experience working there. And I was pretty sure the interview was going to keep me up all night. I was positive I was going to be obsessing over it. Instead, I thought about and berated myself over an interview I did in 2005 that I bombed really bad. Just.....don't even ask.

And while I am excited about possibly going back there (it's close to home; that's major brownie points), but then I keep thinking about working with those people again and I'm like meh. At least the trouble-causing racist ass bitch isn't there anymore, although I know she does come in for lunch sometimes and frankly, I don't want to ever see her face again.

I had the chocolate covered cheesecake Blizzard on Saturday night. It was awesome. Worth the 690 calories. But I really cannot wait for the pumpkin pie Blizzard next month.

ONE MORE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh

Interview in less than 10 hours. I do not feel prepared for this interview AT ALL. I feel like freaking out. Well, I have already been doing that, independently of being stressed out over the interview. I am going to be a nervous wreck on the phone, but hey, at least, if I start to cry, no one will know, because if there is one thing I have mastered, it is the art of silent crying.

I don't know what is up with me. I am supposedly not due for my monthly time until next weekend, but I am suspecting hormones are behind it. And yet those idiots on the Berry comments claim that acting bitchy and all during your period is ridiculous. Because they don't have bad periods. Well, aren't they just all just a bunch of special snowflakes. Go fuck yourselves.

Cool, I Guess?

Neutral news, everyone! And I say neutral because it is both equally good and bad news, so they cancel each other and.....you know what, I have no idea what I am talking about, but.....I have a phone interview on Friday morning. I am simultaneously excited and horrified.

I also found this article somewhere in my internet bookmarks and it is all so true. Especially number 8. I need to take a lesson from recruiters on how to bullshit well, because they are fucking fabulous at it. Every single one I have been to always tells me what great skills I have and it should be no problem finding me a job. And then I either get one or two phone calls for a job outside of the travel area (most will ask how far you are willing to travel and without fail, every job offer I get is about double the amount of the maximum travel I want and yes, I understand not being picky, but when it comes down to paying almost as much for gas as I am making, then hell no, it's not worth it) or I never hear from them again. And then I start to self-doubt my skills.

One time I dealt with a temp agency and a recruiter called me with a job offer and I just missed the call. But I called her back, honest to God, not even a minute later. The position was already filled. I still, to this day, cannot wrap around my head how that was even possible. There is no way in hell she could have filled that position that quickly. I've accepted temp positions before and it always took a good 5 minutes or more to get everything situated.

Random Thoughts

I should be heading off to bed, but I just don't feel like it. Since all of this insomnia shit started, I don't look forward to bed as much as I used to. In fact, I am starting to dread it. But even if I don't want to go to sleep, I could read. But I don't want to do that either. I just started A Catered Christmas and out of all of the A Catered series, I don't recall Bernie and Libby annoying me as much as this book. I think 95% of the book is the two arguing with each other. And for 2 grown women, they argue over the stupidest shit! Good grief. STFU! Bernie needs to shove her know it all attitude up her ass and Libby needs to pull the stick out of her ass. Also, I still want an explanation as to how someone who works in a bakery can afford $500 Jimmy Choos.

And their father...well I can't decide whether I like him or not. On one hand, he is an insufferable old crank and that makes me laugh, especially when he loses his patience with his daughters. On the other hand, he is an insufferable old crank. And for the love of God, will Ms. Crawford reveal what is wrong with him already? Judging by the pattern of relapses and remissions, and that he has hand tremors, my guess is it could be MS, but I could be wrong.

However, these books are still significantly more tolerable than the Hannah Swenson series. But I do believe this may be my last one. I can't take the bickering.

I am not looking forward to this Thursday. Which is a shame, because I like the 4th of July. I complained Saturday about not wanting to go and my mom says that if I knew how to drive there, I could take my own car and leave when I want. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to go period! I want to go to this party about as much as I want to be go back to the crazy house!

Actually....I think I would rather do that.

And speaking of that side of the family, I remembered one day that my fat bitchy cousin bought a puppy a while back and then she didn't like taking care of it. So she gave it to another cousin. I loathe people that do that and since I already loathe that bitch, now I super loathe her. Do people think taking care of an animal is easy or something? And unless someone has a major animal allergy or the animal turns into a vicious monster that eats people's faces, there is no reason to get rid of an animal. To me, once it is there, it's family. Most people won't get rid of their children if they find it too hard or to expensive. So why do it to a poor defenseless animal?

The day my other cousin posted that they had my bitchy cousin's dog now, I was going to post a status that said "there is a special place in hell for people who get rid of an animal because they are too self-absorbed to take care of it anymore", but that would have been the day everyone decided to pay attention to my status (I post so rarely that when I do, I don't think anyone even notices).

Before I ever started reading ONTD, I was never aware that there are people who actually worship models. It kind of astounded me when I came across it. It is kind of weird. I don't pay attention to fashion much- although judging by what I see in public, I apparently pay more attention to fashion than the average American; LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS, PEOPLE- but I never understand how some of the big name models are so popular. Most of them are pretty unattractive and/or nothing special. Like I don't get the fascination with Miranda Kerr. Sure, her body is nice, but that face. She looks like someone cut a toddler's head off and stuck it on an adult body. It's usually the ones who are relatively unknown that are attractive.

I was giving an opportunity to apply for a job last week. I wasn't thrilled about the actual job itself, since I had done that kind of work before and sometimes it was not pleasant, but I liked the hours and it offered benefits. I emailed the manager for an application and she told me that several people had inquired about it. As soon as I saw that, I knew I had no chance of getting it. I filled out the application anyway, but it's been almost a week and I haven't heard anything. It's so frustrating. Being unemployed really blows. Not getting jobs because you are unemployed blows even more. Feeling suicidal is a pretty normal feeling for me, but it's things like this that make me understand why unemployment offices put up suicide hotline posters.

Screw This Week

As I was driving to the dentist, and trying not to have a full blown panic attack over my airbag deploying unexpectedly, since that apparently can happen, it occurred to me that the night before my airbag light came on, I had went out to my car in a giant state of anxiety and the anxiety started to mix with rage and I punched my steering wheel. Repeatedly. So, more than likely the light is on due to my temper. Nice. As if I already don't have enough self-contempt. And it still hasn't been taken to be looked at. My father apparently has more important things to do, like watch TV and the same movies over and over and over again, then to take it. This is why it pays to know something about cars. I would have no problem taking it myself to a shop, but being female,  I don't trust auto mechanics. And heaven knows how much it will end up costing me.

Then I get my filling drilled down some at the dentist and when I am eating dinner, I can feel my tooth bothering me again. Hasn't bothered me since I had it done, and now it does again. I am just hoping that all of my years of grinding my teeth hasn't finally lead to TMJ disorder.

My unemployment benefits run out this week. And I keep thinking (particularly when I wake up early in the morning) of that article I posted some time last week about how if you are six months out of work, you're pretty much unemployable, and I start to have a panic attack. Really now. Did I have to get laid off right when my stupid OCD decides it wants to flare up really bad, putting me in a really bad bind of needing help, but needing medical to do so, and needing a job to get medical, but needing to feel better to get a job? What a stupid cycle.

And to top it off, I have really, REALLY bad PMS. And cramping. I wish it would just come already.

Anyway, here is a nice article with a nice picture of Andrew to look at. As long as I stay away from the comment section, with the "everything sucks since Oracular Spectacular!" crowd. God, STFU already. And really, Gutzee? Make one pop song so they can stick around? So let me get this straight- you want them to change their music so they will be popular longer? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I'd rather MGMT break up than resort to pop music. Dumbass. Anyway.....picture! I know it's an old picture, but god he is so good-looking. My ovaries are weeping.


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I also went back and looked at this article on ONTD. Andrew. In a bathing suit. Topless. Hot damn, his body has gotten more.....manly looking.


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*I realize as a woman, I should probably use the Schlick girl instead of Fap guy, but until an animated Schlick girl is made, I will continue to use Fap Guy. 

Sucky Headlines Of The Day

If You Don't Have a Job Now, You Might Never Get One

Oh, FML.

What Do Men Think when Women Say They Don’t Want Kids?

This article is putting an unhealthy amount of rage in me. You know what? I really don't give a shit what a man has to say on my not wanting kids. This isn't 1950. Women can make decisions for themselves. They don't need a big strong man to make them for them. Look, men, if you are dating a woman and have issues with the fact that she doesn't want children, then get the fuck out. It's not rocket science. Go find someone who wants or "wants" them. I am sure there are plenty of desperate women out there who won't feel fulfilled till they shit out a child.

And women, if you don't want children, but change your mind to please your man, then you are as idiotic as the brain dead mouth breathing neanderthals you are dating.

Random Thoughts

I did some research on the message I received when I tried to claim my benefits the other day and it seems I have to call and reinstate my claim. Great. I have myself sick to my stomach all weekend about calling the unemployment office. I am dreading this. I want to cry.

I honestly wish there was a way I could just scream STOP and put my life on pause. Put it on hold until I figure out how to fucking pull my life together. I found this thread hidden in the City Data Unemployment forum and it gave me a strange sense of comfort. I constantly have the idea of suicide on my mind, and honestly I do not recall the last time in my life I did not think about it, but having to lose my job and go on unemployment has ramped it up big time.

I would never tell anyone in my family this, but one of the reasons I was pushing so hard to go to Musikfest was I was seriously contemplating ending my life and I wanted to make sure I saw them live before I would do it. If my family knew how much I think about suicide on a daily basis, they would have me at the hospital faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August*, despite not having any real plan or method.

*yes I have been watching a lot of Spongebob

And probably due to my excessive stress levels, I have had an exceptionally bad bout of heartburn the past few days. I wake up every morning feeling like I am going to puke, I feel violently hungry, and I have a really bitter taste in my mouth. I've taken Pepcid, but it is not taking it away.

I read an article a long time ago on ONTD about some singer Cher Lloyd having urine thrown at her at some British musical festival. And I thought wow, no singer is that bad to have something gross like that happen. And then....and then I heard her song. Good god. I just....I can't even begin to comprehend how someone that awful can get a record deal.

I also remember reading an article a long time ago that someone threw a bottle of urine at Will during some musical festival MGMT was performing at. It apparently was not true, according to a fabulous email written by Andrew. I love that picture of Andrew in the article.

On Friday at about 9PM, a bulletin came across the TV for a tornado warning in PA. Of course I got nervous and was watching the radar to see if the system would be coming to my area (it didn't, thank goodness). One area was hit pretty hard and it was confirmed that a tornado did hit. I know fall is second season, but it still seemed strange to hit now. And even stranger was it was an EF-1. Any tornado reports in this region that I have heard recently- well, since I started getting into watching weather and reading news on it- are usually EF-0's.

I did get my pumpkin pie Blizzard this weekend. I anticipate at least one more before October ends, although I am not fond of having to go to the mall again. Ugh, I hate that mall.

Random Thoughts

The Camden aquarium- my bad, Adventure Aquarium- has been running this fest called Sharkfest all summer and I really want to go to it. I think it ends this weekend, so I better get my ass there soon. There is supposed to be a giant walk through shark. I love sharks, have I ever mentioned that? And I love the shark petting pool there. I'm like a kid on Christmas morning when I get to the petting pool. I want to push everyone out of my way and jump into the pool with the baby sharks. They're just so fucking cute! I don't care that they would probably rip me apart, although most of them are 2 feet at the most. How much damage could they do? Do baby sharks even have teeth? Or would they just gum at me? You would think someone who is as big as shark lover as I am that I would know this! And I guess they could tear me apart with no problem. After all, piranhas aren't that big and look at what they can do.

I just received a weekly email from the state with job suggestions and I always laugh at them. Philly? Villanova? Conshohocken? Essington? I don't even know where in the hell Essington is! For someone Pennsy bred, I know shit about the state. I didn't even know where Bethlehem was until I decided I wanted to go to Musikfest this year. In fact, I didn't even know where Musikfest was held. For some reason, I always thought it was in Philly. But nevermind that. This is a NJ job site. Why in the hell are they sending me suggestions for jobs in Pennsy?

And for people who want your ass back in work, they sure make it difficult to get any type of training. I attempted to try to get some training so I can finally get some kind of damn job so I can finally get the help I need so I can finally get the rest of my goddamn life back together, and the requirements to get funding for training are nearly impossible to fullfill.

I swear to God, I feel like I am never going to get my life back together. I am so disgusted. And what doesn't help is I am convinced no one else gives a shit about me, so in turn I care even less about my own life, which in turn makes me less inclined to get help. Not a good combination. 

Last night my mother got pissed at me and stormed off to bed. The first thing that popped in my head was I wish I had a gun so I could go into my bedroom and blow my fucking brains out. And then I started to cry because I was so disturbed by that thought.

And once upon a time I was finally starting to feel happy with my body. It's pretty bad for someone to lose 60 pounds and still be extremely unhappy with their body. It's not even that I think I am fat. No, I finally have seemed to stop thinking that, but I am still not happy with what I see in the mirror. For God's sake, I am 121 pounds (although thanks to my digestive system going on strike, the scale has been about 125 pounds). My BMI is at a healthy number. Why can't I just be happy with that? But then I think about my jean size and I get disgusted. Why in the hell do I still have to wear a size 8? And earlier I pulled out my paperwork from when I had my bridesmaid dress altered and when I saw my measurements, I wanted to scream. My measurements were 35-28-39. How in the hell does someone who weighs 121 pounds (and I was even less at the time!) still have such large measurements? I know I am short, but I am not that short!

I get very fearful that one day this is all going to turn into a full-blown eating disorder. And that is the absolute LAST thing I need to develop. Aren't the sixty other mental disorders I have enough? Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason I hesitate to go a therapist or psychiatrist for fear of what other disorders they may diagnose me with. I am almost positive they could find something else to slap me with in addition to depression/bipolar 2, anxiety, social anxiety, and OCD. Probably a couple personality disorders. ADD. Body dysmorphic disorder.

BLAH!

I received a call from a recruiter the other day for a pretty good position. The hours are good. The pay is good. The position is good. The fact that I would have to work a weekend day and have a day off during the week is good. The only problem is the company is too far away.

I was filling out another application earlier and I had to answer what was my most favorite and least favorite position and why for each. Are they kidding me? HOW DO YOU ANSWER SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! I was so completely clueless on how to answer this!

This is why I bomb interviews all of the time. I have no clue how to answer their questions! And if HR recruiters really believe that by someone being able to answer these nutty questions that it somehow makes them more qualified for a job, I have a little news for you, recruiters. Those who can answer these questions are doing a little thing called BULLSHITTING. Just because they can think on their feet and know how to flatter people does not mean they can do a good job.

I just took a Microsoft Office skills test and I am absolutely astonished at how much of my Microsoft Office skills have disappeared! I am so aggravated! I can't even....FRICK!

ETA 7/30: My results for my tests were good. However, my Microsoft Office tests were a lot lower than they should have been. And for dumb reasons. A couple things I got wrong because while I did it correctly, I did not do it the way the test wanted. Like saving a document. I did not save the way the test wanted. I did not hit the Save button; instead, I went under the File menu and saved it from there. Because I am pretty sure the last time I took the test, I hit the Save button and got it wrong. What is the difference? I still saved it. Honey, please. Like I would not know how to save a document. And I manually entered in a function in Excel, instead of using the function button. Which I swore it told me not to do.

Random Thoughts

I still want to be on vacation. It's been too damn hot in my neck of the woods. We had crazy storms on Friday that were supposed to cool everything down, but I thought it was still pretty hot.

My sister and I were in Wegmans when one of the worst storms came over. It was like a freaking monsoon outside. And then the power went out. I wanted to freak out.

We took a trip down Seaside on Saturday. Not much has changed. Still a bunch of disgusting fat people in bikinis, people who can't speak English (and break the rules in the bathrooms; there was a Spanish lady washing her kid in the sink, despite a big sign saying no washing of feet in sink right smack dab in the front of her, but I guess you will break rules when you refuse to learn English, right?), and New Yawkers. Oh and teen girls everywhere trying to get the attention of the Durrrsey Shur cast (who thankfully were not anywhere in sight).

I also happened to notice one of the piers was blasting "Feliz Navidad". Why, I have no idea.

I still do not understand the sudden influx of fatties in bikinis. Not just in Seaside, but down the other shore points and down in Myrtle Beach. I always used to say that just because it comes in your size doesn't mean you should wear it. Well, I would also like to add that just because you can get it on does not mean it fits nor should you wear it. For god's sake, no one wants to see your flab flopping all over the place. I know I have severe body image problems, so it should come as no surprise that it still takes a lot for me to want to put a bathing suit on. I am half the size of a lot of these fatties in bikinis and I still refuse to wear a bikini. And never will. I am not built for one.

I was starting to feel somewhat happy with my body, but now I am finding myself disliking it more and more again. I hate that I am never going to be happy with my body. I do realize that there are things I can't change, like how I have tree trunk legs and that my abs will never be flat due to my never-ending battle with constipation. Does that mean I have to like it? No.

It would be nice if one day I could find one redeeming quality about myself. This is a big part of the problem I have when it comes to job hunting. I cannot sell myself. I have never had a job where I did anything spectacular. This is why I bombed the Target interview so bad. Every question they asked me about things I did at a former job, I never did. If I didn't like how something was being done, I just sucked it up and did it. If I had a problem with another employer, I didn't bother going to a manager to complain, because I knew nothing would ever be done anyway. I have nothing to brag about. My former employers raved about me, but that does not help me in interviews. Oh, and I have never had a job I have been proud of. I generally do the best job I can, but this also does not help me in interviews. All I want to do when I go into interviews is say, look, I cannot sell myself to you, but if you hire me, you have my word that you will not be sorry.

It just astonishes me that I allowed someone to break me down as bad I am. And it angers me that I allowed it to happen and continue to allow it to bother me. I am fully aware that I need to move on. But actually doing so is a whole other story. I get tired of people telling me that it's just words, blah blah blah. I was 12 years-old. Being teased at that age about your body is like pressing your finger in clay before it completely hardens. The clay will harden, but that finger hole will still be there.

I just finished reading one of James Patterson's latest books and there was part where the main character talks about what happened to her breaking her down, and when she was put back together, she was not the same person. And I realized that should I ever be able to finally pull it together again, I will never be the same person. Now if it's a much better person, then hell I am all for it. I never quite got it completely together after the first breakdown I had, but what I did get back together, I can vouch that I was still not the same person. Then again, I truly believe that I am not the same person after quitting Effexor. And I wish there was a way to fix that. Now I know I have said I would never put Effexor near my mouth again, but if it takes going back on Effexor to restore some of what I was before I quit it, I would do it. I just want to feel normal again.

I still seem to be doing good with finally believing that I do not have Addison's disease. Or else I have just finally reached the point where I stopped giving a shit. Will it continue to last? Will another "disease crisis" come along that will make me wish I was still scared I had Addison's? I just went and read back through last summer's posts when I was scared I had a stress fracture. It sounds so miniscule, but I really was truly terrified that I had one. And do you know why it freaked me out so much? Because even though it would have been temporary, the idea of losing my independence made me want to lose my freaking mind. Oh, and I was afraid of weight gain. That was one of the things that made me freak out at the idea of having Addison's. It's horrible and it's so vain, but I am truly that terrifed of gaining weight.

On another note, when I was down Seaside, some dude walked by me with a giant tattoo on his chest of what I assume is one of his brats. And it was creepy as hell. Okay, I can understand people wanting to remember someone who died or whatever, but tattoos of people's faces are just creepy. I just looked at it and thoughts oh god why?!

And speaking of creepy, check out this picture from last week's Best Photos Of The Week on the Berry. That was one of the best galleries I have ever seen; I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. But there was something about that particular picture that made me laugh the hardest. I think it may have been the FML added at the end.

I am so wired right now. And just waiting for the inevitable crash.

Random Thoughts

Ugh. That seminar "today". I know I am a bit of a technological snob, but every single time I go to one of these seminar things, it astonishes me how little people know about using computers. And no one can even say that it's because I come from a different generation. I never had that many computer classes. About 95% of what I know about computers came from my own doing. And about 99% of what I learned myself came from dumb mistakes I made.

Another thing that astonishes me is how people actually have to be told how to dress for a job interview. Come on, people. Now I will admit that I once went to a job interview and left my coat on. I was also really young and stupid. I also bad-mouthed a former boss in that same interview. All I can think is "oh god why" every time I think of that interview. Again- young. Stupid.

And aside from being sick to my stomach over the whole job search worksheet, I was fretting the whole time during the seminar that I was going to have a ticket on my car. My stupid community college gives no inkling of where people are supposed to park. No "reserved for students" or "reserved for faculty" or anything like that. And then are tough with tickets. Luckily, I did not get one. So now it's back to fretting over the job search worksheet. And my mind is really going to town with this. All I can picture if the worst scenarios imaginable. Them calling and being told no I never applied, and then being arrested. God, I want to throw up.

live-life-7 : theBERRY

Mother of God, it's "Siberian Breaks" come to life! Well, what I would picture, at least. I wish I knew where that was. That is an incredible picture. The beauty of Earth just blows my mind.

Random Thoughts

I have myself so stressed out over this unemployment meeting on Wednesday. It is ridiculous. I am upset about the whole job search worksheet. Out of the 6, 5 I can verify with emails that I applied to them. The 6th has no proof I applied to it. And now I am wondering if the application ever went through, because generally I receive a confirmation email. And I am sick to my stomach over it. And one of those 5, if I initially pull up the application list, it says I applied in the beginning of May. But I only created a general application in May. I never actually filled it out and submitted it until June 4th. So now I am really upset and have myself all stressed out that unemployment will call those two jobs and one will say that I never applied to it, even though I did but have no proof, and the other will say I applied in May, but I really didn't. I feel like throwing up.

I've said it before - if I never have to be unemployed again, I will be so happy.

My mother got mad at me earlier when we were watching the news and I started cursing a bunch of people who were striking. Well, I'm sorry I'm not feeling particularly sympathetic. These people not only have jobs, they have jobs with pensions and benefits. In this day and age, these people should be grateful they at least have jobs. Unless people are croaking on the job due to hazardous working conditions, then they need to STFU.

Evidently, the bad mood I was in on Sunday is still present. I am just going to assume that I can start to expect major crankiness to appear the beginning of every month. If you ask my mother and sister, I have PMDD. I tell them to both go to hell when they say that. I have a enough diag-nonsenses, and probably a few undiagnosed. I don't need any more.

I think someone needs to knock me out and put me in a coma for two weeks before it comes.

I read an article the other day about whether it is okay to cry at work or not. And I understand that it does not look professional. I admit I have done my fair share of crying on the job. Normally I keep it to myself, either by going into the bathroom or somewhere where no one can see me. But I have had my moments of breaking down in front of managers. And it got noted in my annual review last year at my job. And brought up in front of my manager's boss. To say I was mortified would be an understatement. I seriously wanted to drop dead right then and there. I hate when I can't control my emotions. But there are times where nothing I can do can control them, and I have kind of accepted that it is just me. It's still embarrassing as hell, though.

The WTF Of The Day

I just sent my resume over to a company on Career Builder and after it went through, I was given a list of recommended jobs. One immediately caught my eye:

Clearly someone has been watching a lot of Dumb & Dumber.

Speaking of jobs, I have a sticky issue on my hands. Back when I first found out I was losing my job, my aunt's friend's niece had sent my resume to HR at her company. I came thisclose to having an interview, and then the company had to pull its current job opportunities. At first I thought maybe it was just a way to tell me they weren't interested, but I did eventually find out it was the truth. The niece told me back at the holidays that she would definitely keep an eye out and keep in touch with HR should it open up again. Well, it's opened up again. I want to say something to her about it, but I don't want to be pushy about it. But I need a job. I don't know what to do.

Ugh....I don't care if it's been almost 7 months since I lost my job....wait, holy shit, it's been almost 7 months already?! Sweet zombie Jesus, where has the time gone? Oh right. It's been flying by while I am slowly losing my sanity, which if I am eventually going to lose it completely, I wish it would just happen already because I can't imagine it getting worse. But anyway, 7 months and I still want to punch the wall every time I think of being laid off.

Quote Of The Day

Best help wanted ad ever (found in the Philadelphia Daily News a few months ago):

GENERAL HELP WANTED
West Chester
Looking for 10 people to work to replace 10 people who didn't. Must have reliable trans. & pass drug screen. Will train, new hire bonus available. Call Ben

Random Thoughts

Oh, Dave. Why? Why did you waste your time apologizing to that bitch? Why did you just not tell her to go fuck herself? I would have. I would love nothing more than to crack a really bad joke about Sarah Palin, get her in a tizzy, and then make everything worse by telling her to go fuck herself on national TV. Why will no TV personality grow a set and do it?

Oh and then the Patron Saint of American Patriotism has to drag the military into it. I would like to exercise my American freedom to bitch slap her. I love these people that are so pro-military, but probably would never set foot in a boot camp. Keep at it, Sarah. Keep pushing the women's liberation movement back further and further.

Back when I actually had a job, one morning, a Linkin Park song came on and I thought it was pretty cool. I am not a big fan of Linkin Park; I think their music all sounds the same, although I do like "In The End", "Breaking The Habit", and "What I've Done". I heard it again on Saturday, so I wrote down the lyrics and then googled them and it is called "New Divide" and it is for the new Transformers movie. What is it about these movies that makes Linkin Park release good songs?

I have been head over heels for someone for almost 2 years and lately, I have been finding myself losing interest in this person. And it is depressing the hell out of me. My overall recovery from what I went through 3 years ago is largely attributed to this person. It's happened before; I would find myself losing interest in this person and then something would make me appreciate them more again. While a small part of me wishes I would get over this person, I really don't want to. And I pray that it is just another temporary loss. I can't stand the thought of it not.

I always heard from people when I was in high school that many of my classmates would change once they get out in the real world. Well, my school must be unique because they are all exactly the same. The spoiled rotten princesses are still spoiled rotten princesses. The arrogant jocks are still arrogant jocks. The whores are still whores. White trash is still white trash. I just seen a Myspace page for this trashy chick that was friends with a girl I was friends with and she is still as white trashy as she was in high school. Bitch was as sweet as sugar to my face and then ripped me apart behind my back. She barely even knew me! The only difference now is she not as skinny as she used to be and she is now [shudder] a mother (if anyone deserves to have their picture on Why The Fuck Do You Have a Kid....). She still thinks she is the sexiest thing to walk the earth and still likes to adorn herself as an Italian princess.

One of the things that I always loved in high school was how low community college was looked upon. I pretty much knew from the get-go that I was going to community college because I knew my parents did not have money to send me to a larger college, I was not special enough (e.g. sucked up enough) to receive any type of scholarship, I did not want loans, nor was I socially ept enough to survive going away to college. Needless to say, any mention of going to my community college was met with scorn and sneers. But I was the one to get the last laugh and luckily for me, I already knew that when I was being scorned over it, thanks to my sister graduating 4 years before me. So, what was so funny? Oh, the percentage of my classmates that went away to school on sports scholarships, drank and partied too much, either flunked or were kicked out, and who I had the pleasure of looking at in my second semester.

I never took the SATs. As someone who has seen the failure of standerized testing in determing one's abilities and knowledge, I refused on all grounds to take them. Standerized testing does not prove anything. It only causes more unneeded stress on college bound students. Colleges really need to stop placing so much goddamn emphasis on them.

You know how everyone always says things happen for a reason? Well, maybe my firing slash resignation was one. I am hearing through the grapevine that the company is outsourcing the call center to Maine. They always have listings on the webpage for positions there and it has been odd that nothing has been posted for the entire week and then to get this information?

I am still absolutely infuriated over one of my trainers telling another department supervisor that I quit because I had failed one of my tests. Lies! One of the two bitches knows damn fucking well I scored almost perfect fucking scores on all 3 tests. Whatsa matter? Get angry because I had said I did not feel prepared for the job and took it as a personal insult on your teaching? Well, guess what? Your teaching did suck! I got one person telling me to do one thing, after you telling me to do something else! There were many times in class my trainer would say one thing and a few minutes later say the complete opposite. How can you learn with that?

Look, I will never deny that I do not lie. I do. A lot, although my problem more is I will say things, but leave out vital information, therefore saving my ass, but at the same time not technically lying. But when I am accused of doing something that I did not do, it infuriates me. Why could she just not say I quit because I could not handle it? That is at least half the truth. And if it was my actual classroom trainer who said this....bitch wasn't even there on the Monday I left! I technically resigned at 2:45Pm. She had left for the day at noon. Whether or not I can find out who had said it....chances are slim probably.

And how convenient that my course evaluation with test scores was in the folder that they took from me.

Random Thoughts

Help! I have been brainwashed!

I survived my first day back to work to a job that isn't temporary. It was more or less an orientation. According to the company. According to me, it was a let's bash the competitors brainwashing cult meeting. It scared the hell out of me. The instructor was just way too chipper. I find it hard for anyone to love their job as much as these people portray themselves.

The chocolate chip cookies they had were pretty fucking awesome, though.

I don't think I have ever mentioned this before, but one day I drug my sister to the library with me and she handed me a book and suggested I should read it. It was Therapy by Jonathan Kellerman. When I finished that, I discovered in a preview of the next book that this book was part of a series. So I decided my mission was to read all of the Alex Delaware novels. And they have all been pretty easy to go through. A little tedious and it gets to be a little predictable and annoying to read the same things in almost every book (we get it; Milo always rubs his face, as if washing without water) and I am one of the many that finds Robin to be annoying (and I liked Allison until the last book she was in), but I have read 22 out of 23. The last book I was finally able to get my nasty little claws on was Private Eyes. It's been almost a week and I am still not done it. Normally it took me 4 days tops to finish a book. PE is just not that interesting. I really do not see how the book can go on for 524 pages. I am on 286 and I am already saying, come on for god's sake.

Many people, mostly family members, claim that they do not get me. Hell, I do not get myself. There are behaviors I exhibit that I do not get at all. I absolutely despise any type of attention plastered on me (birthdays are killer; I cannot stand everyone watching me blowing out the candles or singing to me or watching me open presents; it embarrasses me). Yet when something exciting happens for me and someone else is there to share the moment as well, it bugs the hell out of me. My eighth grade and my high school graduation all had to be shared with my sister's graduations. I finally find a job after 2 years of looking and guess who got a new job as well? My sister! She mentioned something once before about the both of us going back to school and graduating at the same time and I wanted to scream, NO! She has had three college graduations already! I am not about to share my first college graduation with her.

In the tradition of things, when it comes to me purchasing something, I either drag out the decision for so long, I end up deciding not to buy something or I rush into it and then end up having to return it. I stated before that I considered buying a stepper. Over the weekend, I purchased a Nordic Track mini-stepper. I got duped into applying for a credit card and saving $15 as well. I used it on Saturday with not too much of a problem (although periodically I had to step off and take a break). Did 2000 plus steps and burned 300 calories (although if you look up calories burned on the internet, it would say at my weight I would have burned 400 plus). But then I got on it the next day and was having a really difficult time on it. I felt like I was barely doing anything, plus with the motions of a stepper, I am nervous about injuring the ankle area. So now I am contemplating taking it back, but thanks to the time it is, I feel horribly guilty about taking it back. Its a nice stepper otherwise. But I am now thinking maybe I should just replace my bike. It's what has worked and it isn't something I do all the time. I don't know what to do. I have been really emotional lately, so everything makes me feel bad and guilty.

Random Thoughts

If you have not noticed by now, I have been exceptionally nasty lately.

I have also had little sleep today, I spent a few hours with my grandparents (who I love to death, but even the most patient person in the world will have frazzled nerves at the end of spending time with them), and I was drug to the mall on a weekend. My nerves are shot.

I blame it on the weather.

I visited a webpage today that I enjoyed reading in the past and despite how many times I have read it, I found an article today that I do not even remember ever reading, even though it was posted sometime before the last time I read it. And the article brought about a great deal of disappointment. And then anger. And it has progressed into an unrelenting ball of rage.

Yes, it sucks what you are going through. I do give you that. But I am getting sick of this shit from people. I am tired of being told to just fucking buck up. Okay, what the friend of the writer said was a bit poor in taste and I personally would never say it to another, but I have thought the same exact thing many, many, many times. And I am not going to apologize for it. If I say I want to die, despite having a semi-good life, that is my problem. If I want to be miserable and grouchy for no reason, I am going to be miserable and grouchy for no reason and if you don't like it, tough shit.

And especially, ESPECIALLY, do not DARE ever utter "there is always someone out there with things worse than you" because I will tear my hair out. God, I hate that saying with a passion. Do you think I don't know that? Of course I do! Do I care? No I do not! Yes, there are plenty of people out there with worse shit than me. There are also plenty of people out there with worse things than those people as well. Hey! Anyone who has ever lost a leg or an arm, stop pitying yourself! There are people out there who have lost both legs or both arms! Lost a loved one? Suck it up! There are people out there who have lost their entire family! Really now. Let me get this straight. Because someone out there has worse problems than me, I am expected to "buck up" and suffer in silence? I am not allowed to bitch and moan and cry if I want to? The hell with that. What, am I supposed to be grateful that someone out there has it worse than me? Did it ever occur to the morons in society that everyone handles things differently? What could be devastating to one is not to another? That that is the reason why two people can be sent to war, see the same things, come home, one goes on to live a long life and the other comes home and blows his brains out?

This is annoying as the people who get angry at those of us who want a particular thing. Why? What is the big deal if we want this? Is it our fault that society made such a stigma out of it? If these people could just have an inkling understanding of the mental torture we go through in life having to deal with this. It's harder than anyone can imagine.

I have a savings account with the bank I am going to be working for and yesterday, my federal income tax check came (woohoo, $74) and I was debating whether to deposit it in my SA or my checking account (which is another bank). Since the former gets interest, I decided to go with the SA. Then I looked over my CA and it took me several years to finally think, I have a high balance, why do I not transfer about $500 of it to my SA and let it build interest instead of sitting and not collecting anything? I feel pretty stupid that I never thought of that. But back to the story; I'll get there eventually. So I go to the bank and the teller is acting funny and calls someone over and they talk amongst themselves. Finally, the teller informs me my account was dormant (I opened it in 2005 and haven't made any deposits since than). Another 10 minutes is spent dilly-dallying and then finally the kid informs me my account is okay now and finishes the deposit. When I get to the car, I realize the account balance is not printed on the receipt.

When I get home, I decide to sign up for online banking, against my better judgement. That cannot be easy, either. I have to have an ATM card to sign up myself. SO finally I say the hell with it and call customer service and get my balance and the kid on the phone starts droning on about online banking and I told him about not having an ATM card and he offers to sign me up. I say what the hell and agree to it. So I create a user name and all that and he gives me a standard password and I fill in all the info and come to the change password screen and that gives me a problem and then finally goes through and brings me back to the log-in screen. I enter in user name and new password and it won't allow me to log in. He resets the password. This went on about 5 more times until finally he says he is going to get a higher-up to see what is going on. I am put on hold and forced to listen to some bizarre Muzak. A few minutes later he comes back on and informs me that my account is dormant. At this point I am ready to bang my head against the computer screen because all I wanted was my fucking balance and it turned into a 20 minute ordeal. I explain to him about the whole ordeal at the bank earlier and that my account was said to be no longer dormant. After apologizing to each other several times, we hang up.

Now what is the point of my story? The whole experience left a really huge knot in my stomach. In a few weeks, I am going to be doing this for a living. And I don't think all the training in the world is going to prepare me for this. Getting screamed at by the public is no longer my only fear about taking this job. I am not ready for this at all. I am scared to death.