Song Of The Day

While I will never argue that "Unchained Melody" and "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" aren't great songs, this to me will always be the ultimate Righteous Brothers song:

Random Thoughts

I was hoping a day would never come where I would have to say this, but I officially now not only personally know people with Covid-19, but I now know someone who has passed from this horrible virus.

I have read a few articles in the past of medical personnel who have dealt with the deaths of Covid-19 patients and to say the articles left me nothing short of completely rattled is an understatement. Reading how these poor people die without even being able to have family with them is utterly heart-wrenching.

A couple of weekends ago my FWA posted some meme picture complaining about how people who are on an unemployment getting an extra $600 a week while essential people are getting paid the same and risking their lives. I saw multiple shades of red. Not at the statement itself so much but at the fact of her posting it.

First off, it's adorable that she really thinks she's that essential. She's not out risking her life. She's sitting on her ass at home working, so she can stop acting like she's some kind of goddamn martyr for essential workers. Second, she's Ms. loves to take advantage of every little thing. If anything, she's probably pissed off that she wasn't furloughed and able to collect employment and get the extra money. Third, her beast boyfriend got fired back in the winter. Which means more than likely he's getting unemployment. If he's getting the extra $600, you're seriously going to tell me she has a problem with that? Hold on while I choke to death laughing. 

The Headline Of The Day

Texas Lt. Gov. On Reopening U.S. Economy: 'More Important Things Than Living'

But if we're not living....if we're dead....oh hell

Article Of The Day

The comments are priceless:

'I had to go through it': Trump says he was a 'victim' of the COVID-19 test and referred to it as 'an operation'

Random Thoughts

Despite the tornado watch on Monday, we ended up having a lot of rain, wind, some thunder, then the sun came out. Thankfully no tornado warnings or actual tornadoes. The chest heaviness and constantly feeling like I need to take a deep breath has eased up as well, so I'm going to guess (and hope) it was period-related.

I've often said before that every time I go through a health crisis, the next one that comes along always makes me long for the one before, like how I was so scared of having an ulcer/h. Pylori before but would much rather be worried about that than Covid 19. I shudder to think what will come after this is all done and over with.

If it ever is.

Monday night I had a mild headache in the forehead area. I eventually went to bed hoping that it would go away overnight like my headaches typically do. However, when I woke up on Tuesday, I still had lingering pain and at some point it shifted to the right side of my head. By lunchtime, the pain was increasing with certain movements of my head and I started to think that it was going to turn into a migraine if I didn't take anything soon. I've been trying to avoid taking any pain medication for fear of it interfering with my temperature taking (yes, seriously), but I finally caved in and took Pamprin (I was having cramps as well). About an hour after I took it, I don't know what the hell happened, but I got really shaky and weird-feeling, and I also got incredibly nauseous which made me super anxious that I was going to throw up. And the headache eased up while all that was happening. It was weird, and I was pretty shook up the rest of the day. I've still been pretty shook up over it, because of course the only thing I'm thinking is omg it's Covid 19. Having a very mild headache today (this time on the left side and mostly around the eye) isn't helping matters any.

Ugh

I don't know what seems to cause it (lack of sleep, etc), but I tend to have good and then really bad days with my anxiety/OCD levels. Today is the latter. A very bad one.

And to top it off, my area is under a severe weather threat today, with a high wind warning and a tornado watch, so that's only adding to my already high anxiety levels.

Song Of The Day

I can't believe it's already been almost three years since I first heard this song (no, I don't know it from 13 Reasons Why, I never watched it):

Random Thoughts

I'm already beyond tired of being furloughed. I can't stand not having work to distract me. I still have no idea if my unemployment has been approved so I can start claiming benefits. I also know of at least a few people who were not furloughed, one being none other than my FWA. Because of course she wasn't. She's a defiant little brat yet somehow always manages to come out on top. It's so damn infuriating.

All day I've had an ungodly tickle in my throat. I feel like I was punched in the center of my chest, it feels heavy and ticklish, and I keep feeling like I have to take a deep breath. Of course I've been melting down all day that it could be Covid. I am due for my period tomorrow, which is starting to come on albeit slower than molasses, so I'm hoping it's just due to that, but it's still not very comforting. I have of course been taking my temperature obsessively, and the highest it's been today was 98.3, but even having no fever is not very reassuring.

On top of my sky-high anxiety/OCD levels, my depression levels are so damn bad right now, I'm having a very hard time dealing with all of my feeling. I can't stand not being able to see people normally. I'm tired of feeling so scared, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of everything. I swear if I wasn't so afraid of going (as well as how much it would cost me), I would seriously contemplate admitting myself to a psychiatric facility.

And to be honest, I have been feeling a lot more suicidal than normal; the only good thing is, I'm so terrified of going to a medical hospital that it's keeping me from actually harming myself for fear that if I'm not successful, I will end up at a hospital where Covid germs are swarming like a bunch of fucking roaches.

Random Thoughts

Like I'm sure many others are, I'm Covid-exhausted. I'm tired of hearing about it on the TV, seeing it on the internet, talking about it, worrying about it. God, just go away already.

I'm also sick of celebrities. Yes, the general population so needs lessons on how to stay home from overpaid egotistical assholes with 10,000 square feet mansions. Take several seats and STFU.

Sorry, I'm PMSing and I'm beyond exhausted from worrying so much and having distressing thoughts. I feel like one of these days I'm just going to implode.

Fucking Hell

I know I've been assured that my job is going to be there for me when this is all over, but I still can't help but feel salty over being furloughed. Especially wondering who was NOT furloughed. 

I watch Litton's Weekend Adventure every weekend and at one point, a news brief broke in with Governor Murphy announcing the latest Covid-19 rate (34,124), as well as 200 new deaths. And then he started to read some of the names of the deceased and I started to cry so hard. I just felt so bad. All completely unnecessary deaths. I don't doubt that Covid would have came to the country regardless, but it should have been handled a hell of a lot better than how that evil incompetent piece of shit in office handled it.

I've hated Chump since the day he was sworn into office, but I don't think I could possibly hate someone more than I hate him right now. Except maybe that little shit Jared. Stupid little fucking prick. I hope the entire family rots in the deepest levels of hell. The only person I feel [slightly] sorry for is Barron, poor kid is surrounded by nothing but piss-poor male role models.

Good God

Day one of furlough- already ready to lose my mind. It's hard to have nothing to do. I read all of my library books and unfortunately didn't get a chance to get there again to stock up before it was closed. There's only so many times I can clean the house or my car or anyone else's cars. I could be watching movies (been wanting to watch "KITH: Brain Candy"), but I'm so anxious and restless, I have a hard time sitting and watching anything. So what do I do? Go on the internet. And read Covid-related headline after headline. In between taking my temperature 5,387 times a day.

I keep saying I can't wait for this to be over, which I truly can't, but I strongly believe even when it's over, my anxiety/OCD levels are not going to diminish. I can't deny going out in public and being around people wasn't a bit of a problem before Covid-19 ever was even a term, but I don't think I'm ever going to feel comfortable being out in public and around people for a very long time, if ever.

Lord knows I've had many experiences with bad anxiety/OCD, notably my fear of having MS being so bad it was making me suicidal, eventually leading to a week-long stay in a psychiatric facility. I would say my anxiety/OCD levels are about par with that; however, what makes this infinitely worse is it doesn't just affect me. Being fearful of having MS, it was just worrying about me having it. I didn't have to worry about having it and spreading to others, potentially risking their lives. And I can't deny that there are days my fears of having Covid and spreading it to others become so unbearable that I just want to get into my car and floor it into a wall.

Random Thoughts

I found out today I am being temporarily furloughed. I will be brought back at some point, but obviously with all that is going on, there is no known date. I can't say I'm terribly upset (at least I qualify for unemployment and before anyone wants to slam unemployment, I am going to be paying 10% taxes on my unemployment earnings, as I did last time I collected unemployment), but at the same time I'm irked, mostly because I can't help but wonder....everyone who was on the call today, are we the only ones being furloughed? Because so help me god, if I find out my FWA is still being kept on, I'm going to bloody scream.

And the worst part is, working helped to get my mind off the pandemic somewhat. It kept me from reading article after article, or doing anything else related, and now I will no longer have that distraction. My anxiety, OCD, and health anxiety levels are going to flare up so bad. 

Every single day our Covid-19 count in NJ just jumps higher and higher. I know we're densely populated, but JFC for such a stupid little state to have so many damn cases is ridiculous.

Last night around 8, I took my temperature and it was 99. That was all I needed to see. I burst into tears and though I didn't have a full panic attack, I was hyperventilating pretty bad. It did go down later on, and because of that, I've taken my temperature a total of 13 times so far today. It's been in the normal range (but still higher than typical), although it was 99.1 at around 8, nearly leading to the same reaction.