Random Thoughts

Sometime after my last post, I was in work one day and received an email from my new manager to check if medical records had been reviewed in a summary I had done. Apparently the client had sent medical records and there was no hide or hair of them in my summary. So I looked over the medical records and compared to them to what I had typed and sure enough they weren't summarized. And do you know why they weren't summarized? Because they weren't part of the records. Because they were never collated. Because they were never printed out. And who had the job of printing out the medical records for that patient? None other than my FWA.

This is exactly why I want to punch every person who tells me that I need to ignore it all and just go in and do my job. Every time I bitch about how my coworkers take a million breaks or sit around and talk or not do anything at all, I get the same song and dance, that the best thing I can do is to just ignore it and just go in and do my job. Which makes sense to a degree, but it starts to get a little hard to just ignore and just do my job if I have to constantly clean up the person's incompetence. I swear, I am getting so sick and tired of having to fix my FWA's measurements of charts. Apparently her concept of any type of measurement- be it time, inches, etc- is fucked up. I constantly come across charts that she printed out and has down as 0.25 inches that are so clearly 0.5 inches (or more) even Stevie Wonder could see it.

I have really not been feeling well the past week or so. I'm tired. I'm cranky as shit. I'm cold as hell. I feel out of breath. I feel like my heart and pulse are racing- earlier I looked in the mirror and could see my pulse pounding out of my neck. Often when I stand up, my vision darkens and I feel like I am going to pass out. I'm nauseous. My legs burn and are twitchy and feel weak. Three times I have taken my blood pressure since Friday and it averaged about 93/60. And I am starting to worry that this Peri-Colace/Miralax regimen is behind why I am not feeling well. Surely having diarrhea often cannot be good for the body. I think I'd rather be constipated than feel like this.

Earlier in work, I was collating a chart and came across a surgical admission sheet from back in February. And right after it was a death certificate. Apparently the person went in for elbow surgery, arrested, and died sometime not long after. I've felt so horrible since I read it. Sure the person had a shit ton of health problems, including cardiovascular ones, but still. You're cleared by your doctor to undergo a fairly benign procedure and you fucking die?

Man, I miss the Treehouse of Horror marathon that was on last week. I was on that like ugly on an ape. Kind of sad that Halloween is over already, especially because now will come the full blown Christmas assault. 

Random Thoughts

I can't with this Ebola shit anymore. I just want to stay in the house!

Last year, we all went to Boo at the Zoo in Philly with my nephew. My sister is planning on taking him again this year and I said I wasn't sure if I would want to go or not. My mom told me last week that my sister picked us all up tickets. I don't understand why in the hell people do this to me all the time, just buy me a fucking ticket without asking if I want to go. I don't want to go! It was a nice time, don't get me wrong, but I don't really want to spend my weekend around a bunch of psychotic little brats and their even more psychotic parents right now.

Sometimes I feel like I speak to the freaking wall.

On Saturday we were over her house because her lazy husband had a gig and while I was there, all I kept thinking was how much I wanted to go find her nursing school books and read them (I'll give you one guess what it was I wanted to read on) and I started getting really stressed out. One day I was reading a report and there was talk of incomplete paralysis and an ASIA D spinal cord injury and as I read through it, all I thought was I should not understand what any of this shit means (unless I was the person or medical professional). All I want to do is walk into a psychiatric facility and scream "GET THIS FUCKING MONSTER OUT OF MY HEAD!". I wish it was a literal monster that I could reach in and pull out of my head and brutally murder.

I found a letter I wrote a few years ago regarding the whole That Thing situation. There was a lot of stuff addressed in that I didn't even remember to address in my one post. I wish I felt like typing the whole thing out, but I really don't feel like it. I don't even feel like really talking about it in general, but I am. BECAUSE IT'S ON MY MIND ALL OF THE GODDAMN TIME in between all of the other shit clogging my brain, e.g. terrifying thoughts, perimenopause, etc.

I was also reading through some old entries where I talked about it and how I had to keep it bottled up and I wondered why out of nowhere I decided to reveal what it was. I am not really sure what made me do it, other than the fact that I have just reached the point where I just don't fucking care anymore. Sure I am still ashamed of it and actually vocally admitting it out loud to someone or admitting in any way, shape or form will probably never happen (hell, I wouldn't even put it in a suicide note unless I knew for certain that I was kicking the bucket), but I no longer feel like I need to apologize for it. Maybe I am just being a bitch, but I just don't fucking care anymore if disabled people are offended by it. They're not the only people with feelings.

And the answer I want the most- why? Why do we feel this way about our bodies? 

Random Thoughts

These past 2 nights of lack of sleep are showing. Big time. I am so hostile and cranky I want to punch someone. If I don't get a good night of sleep soon, I am going to scream.

I wish I could just fall asleep and sleep until the weekend. I don't know how I am going to get through the next few days worrying that my period is going to come earlier than expected. I am at my wit's end. I feel awful. I have deep burning cramping across my lower back, pelvic area, and in my legs. I am nauseous, emotional, fatigued beyond belief, bladder spasms, etc.

Now I have a new thing with my eyes itching. They itched last month before it came on but I thought it came from being at the dentist that day. But then it continued for several days. And I can't even tell anyone any of my symptoms because all I get is "it's anxiety!".

Why? Why does the answer to every fucking thing in my life have to be anxiety? Maybe it really is or maybe it really isn't, I don't know. And do people ever stop and realize how it makes me feel to just brush off my concerns? To me it makes me feel like they are just saying it's all in my head. And if I don't get "it's anxiety", I am either ignored or told I need to get help. Yes, because going for help is not only going to definitely solve my problems, but it's going to solve them overnight. And the one place I thought I might be able to get some answers and maybe put at ease didn't help much, just putting the worrying I have vaginal atrophy on the back burner, although at this point I don't think anything could really put my mind at ease.

And if it's not perimenopause, then what the hell could it be? There is no possible way someone can feel this awful before getting her period without some kind of reasoning. My mom is convinced I have PMDD, which could explain a lot of the symptoms I have. Nutritional deficiency? What I still suspect I may have- endometriosis? All I know is I want a fucking answer.

I didn't realize my doctor had prescribed me birth control (she talked about it, but I thought my repeating of "I didn't like how I felt on birth control" would have been enough of a hint) and I never picked up the prescription. I kind of regret it now. But I don't want to go on birth control (unless I am on it for its intended purpose) and have faux hormones control my period. In my state of mind right now, I need to get my period naturally (if that makes sense). Would it be nice to know when I am definitely getting it? Yes. But I need to see when my own body is bringing on my period (if that makes better sense).

I have to go get a tooth filled tomorrow at 6:30PM. I want to cry because I so badly don't want to go. I have to get up early the next 3 days to exercise because I took off yesterday and today. Everything is becoming a real effort for me to do, because not only is my anxiety terrible, but my depression is starting to get bad as well. I have honestly considered going to the hospital a few times, not because I necessarily want to hurt myself (although I won't deny that it does cross my mind more often than not), but because I am tired of all of the shit and just want a rest.

On another note, I am so pissed at the Pretty Little Liars finale! I was finally starting to like Mona!

Also, not trying to rush things, because I honestly don't want summer to end, but I have really been wanting to watch Gar-Halloween-field. And Brain Candy.

Random Thoughts

So....I have survived one month of being back in the workforce. Cool, I guess? I honestly handled it a lot better than I thought I would. It's actually somewhat nice to have a routine every day. A routine you get paid for. I still have no confidence in my work, though. My manager told me the other she thinks I am ready to go off on my own with small reports. I beg to differ, but whatever, because let's face it- if the decision is left up to me, I will never be ready to go off on my own. 

We had a meeting the other day. By the time it rolled around, I was already pretty annoyed because I had quite a bit of work I wanted to get done and I did not feel like stopping. Apparently HR has gotten a bit pissy about some of the things going on in the office. Things that have been going on since I originally worked there. Why they are just bitching now is beyond me. Well anyway, my coworkers were throwing sissy fits over the changes. Basically, my manager used to run the place that as long as you met your eight hours, rules could be bent. For instance, if I came in 20 minutes later- which I never did, because I am an anal retentive bitch- I would just have to make up the 20 minutes at the end of the day. Or if I wanted to take an hour lunch, I would just stay an extra half hour. But HR says no more to any of that. Look, I know my coworkers were accustomed to the way things used to be, but with the way they were acting in the meeting, you would think we were in a concentration camp. There is nothing strange about what HR is enforcing. It all sounded like normal corporate protocol to me.

I don't believe I ever told this story, but back when I first started in September, one day my manager pulls my FWA into her office. A few minutes later, all of this screaming erupts. And then my FWA comes out pissed off as hell and still yelling. I couldn't believe her behavior. In any other workplace, her white trash ass would have been fired on the spot. Well, she finally got written up for it this week. Apparently our manager was giving her time to apologize, but she never did, so she wrote her up. Why it took so long, I don't know. And she was pissed off. Her theory is our manager yells at them all of the time and never apologizes, so why should she? And why should she get written up? Uh, because you do not talk to your supervisor like that?

I think my FWA believes that being pregnant is an excuse for her to be a raging bitch. I think a lot of pregnant women do. Sure, I understand hormones and all that, but I also believe a lot of women just expect to be bitchy because they are pregnant, so they are. Kind of like a placebo effect. Pregnant women are fucking ridiculous. Every time I see one of those stupid posts on Facebook that say things like "my body is amazing because at one point it had two heads, two beating hearts, blah blah blah blah I AM A MOM", I could scream. Big fucking deal. Why do people think they are so goddamn special because they are fulfilling biological duties? Ugh. You and how many other species? Man, if animals could talk, would they be this obnoxious about their pregnancies? Would they be on Facebook posting pictures that say my body is amazing because at one point it had 11 heads, 44 feet, 11 beating hearts, 22 ears, etc? Man, that would be something.

And speaking of kids, I went to Boo at the Zoo in Philly earlier. Overall it was not a bad day, aside from being too damn cold. And most of the kids in costumes were adorable. Their behavior, not so much. It's things like that that make me want to call and schedule a hysterectomy ASAP. Which, to be honest, isn't really fair, because the fault lies more among their lousy inattentive asshole parents, who were probably just as bad, if not worse, than their children.

I also saw the Electric Factory on the way home! I was surprised to see that it was a lot nicer looking than I pictured it. Then again, I only saw it as we were getting onto the Ben Franklin Bridge. At least I think it was the Ben Franklin Bridge. The only bridge I know is the Tacony, because it is the only one I have ever driven on! Anyway, what the EF is like inside, I don't know. It looks kind of shady in pictures. I wonder if they would hang out in Philly before the concert. I'm pretty sure they were at the Mutter Museum at one point, and I assume it was probably back when they played at the Mann Center in 2010. Inquiring minds need to know this information. If that is the case, then I would want to take the entire day off from work so I can head into town and stal- er, fulfill my stanning duties. Also, if you want any idea of what I would be like as a mother, I would totally dress my kid up like this for Halloween, regardless of age or gender. Could you imagine? "Who is your kid supposed to be?". "Andrew VanWyngarden". "Who is that?". "How dare you. Never speak to me again".

The Awesome Of The Day

Like you didn't see it coming!

Oh No They Didn't! - MGMT Halloween Poast

I briefed over the comment section earlier and this exchange had me laughing hysterically:

nice wig
what's it made of?
YOUR MOMS CHEST HAIR

I don't know why, but there is still something that makes me giggle at your mom jokes. And at that first picture of Andrew. He looks like a woman in the midst of a mind-blowing orgasm.

I am feeling pretty miserable and stressed, since it's the last day of having health insurance unless I decide to go with COBRA, so I think I am going to say the hell with my diet right now (even though I have pretty much said that the past few days) and I am going to go get a pumpkin pie Blizzard! One last hurrah with one since I will have to wait another year to get one.

HAPPY HALLOW-HEEN EVERYONE!!!!

Random Thoughts VII

I have barely had any sleep. I went to bed at 5AM, tossed and turned for 3 hours, sobbed hysterically (there is just something incredibly aggravating about trying to fall asleep when you are completely and utterly exhausted and sleep will not come), and then finally conked out at after 8AM. Was up off and on until about 1:30PM. Those three hours I couldn't sleep were spent with my mind running and running and running. I'll give you one guess as to what my mind was running about. And I was getting angry. I was angry over the situation and angry because it was making me angry. If my beloved Deee-Lite poster wasn't hanging next to my bed, I would have punched the wall. If my parents weren't home, I would have put my pillow over my face and screamed as loud as I could. God! I can't stand it. I just want to reach into my skull and pull my brain out. I miss the days of forced lobotomies and manditory sterilization. Seriously. I am not kidding. It's extreme, but anything has to be better than this.

For some reason while out on a run today, I thought of when I was in the hospital and half way through my stay, this really hot guy was admitted. He had big muscles, but not the kind that make me want to projectile vomit. And right before he came, an older man had been admitted. He was foreign, Czech or something. And he had a habit of walking around completely nude (and yes, sadly, this was my first view of a real life adult male penis, by which, I mean in person; I have seen plenty in movies and anatomy and human sexuality books) and not just that, he had a habit of, uh, going to the bathroom in every place but the bathroom. But back to the hottie. He was pretty angry about being admitted and he joined the group of people I hung out with and one day at lunch, he said he wanted to do something really outrageous. So I told him to walk around naked. Everyone laughed. What they didn't realize was I was dead serious.

Am I the only one who sees something wrong with FC Kerbecks's webpage address (www.fckerbeck.com)?

If I have to see one more commercial where some stupid dunce is praising a weight loss drug and omg! look at their body now! I am going to scream. You do not get a six-pack from a drug!

I'm smart, but I don't have the best common sense, but it is a little absurd that it took me all these years to finally realize that "White Lines" is about drugs. But to be fair, the only version I used to know was Duran Duran's cover and I was in elementary school when it came out.

Bees and other like insects are idiots. Stinging is used as a defense mechanism, they feel they are being threatened, so they sting you, and what happens to them? They end up dying anyway.

Why do horror movies always come out after the holiday season? Isn't that what Halloween is for?

Two years ago, almost three, my father brought me home a book that a co-worker found on an airplane called Trading Up and it was by Candace Bushnell. I am reading it again and I honestly have no idea how I ever read it before. The book is too damn drawn out, Janey is intolerable....I just want to punch that bitch in the face, especially when she throws a hissy fit in Italy. Maybe it is just me, but why does it seem like the people you hate the most are just like you the most?

I noticed one of my pictures wasn't showing up properly and when I clicked on it, it took me to an odd link with bandwidththief at the end of the link. Now I know what bandwidth thievery is, but I looked it up anyway. I found a webpage that explained that linking a picture from someone's page to mine was considered bandwidth theft. I had no idea of that, but it was by pure accident: therefore, I am not apologizing for it. Removing the picture is sufficient enough. I'm not going to stand here and be called a fucking thief. If that webpage explaining bandwidth theft thinks I would honestly post a picture with "reformed bandwidth thief" on my page, they can think twice. What a bunch of hooey. I ain't no damn thief.

It's too bad that no one can hear "Christmas At Ground Zero" by Weird Al anymore. It's one of those songs that is disturbing and disturbingly realistic, but it's fucking hilarious. And it was out long before 9/11; since the Cold War. I can't wait for the end of the world to come. I can't wait to meet the religious right and Sarah Palin and Bush and Cheney and all them in Hell.

Funny I was just thinking about it- the Doublemint gum commercial is back. Not that I am complaining- Chris Brown is hot. And speaking of hot- I must remember to watch Children Of Men. I started to watch it the other day, but I missed the beginning. That movie scared the hell out of me, BUT....Clive Owen is muy caliente. He reminds me of Paul van Dyk. Meeeee-ow!

lol- did you know Doublemint has it's own Wikipedia page?