Ugh

Yesterday, I was on my way home from work and waiting for the light to turn green so I could make a left turn on to the main road. After what seemed like a month of Sundays, the light turns green and I watch the car on the other side to make sure they definitely were making a left turn as well. When I am convinced they definitely are, I start to go out only to see something out the corner of my left eye and slam on my brakes. A car ran a dead red on the main road. Had I went out a couple seconds sooner, I would have been nailed on the driver's side. Pretty damn hard too. After a couple of seconds of getting my bearings, I made the turn and then pulled over a little ways up to start having a panic attack. I was shaking and crying and obviously very shook up. 

I should happen to point out that after 17 years I finally threw in the towel and got a new car in August.

Random Thoughts

Man, I wish Food Factory was on right now. There is squat on on Friday nights. I briefly thought about putting a movie on- been dying to watch Brain Candy- but I just didn't have the attention span to sit through a move.

The roads weren't too hot this morning, but of course work was open normal time. I was doing okay until I came up to this one intersection. I thought I braked slow enough and far enough back, but as I started braking, my car ended up doing a 90 degree turn (when my car finally stopped my passenger side was facing the intersection). And no matter how many times I can read what to do in those situations, when it actually happens, I still immediately panicked and thought oh god what do I do oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. Thank god I was the only one at the intersection, otherwise I probably would have hit someone. And of course, now that I think about it, I am starting to feel panicky and anxious that I could have almost got into an accident today.

And once I got my car righted and was waiting for the light to turn green, a Toyota SUV came up behind me. And was behind me almost the entire ride to work. Up my ass. I continued driving slow and shot them dirty looks in the rear view mirror. Then I finally get rid of them and I turn on to the road I take through an industrial park to get to my work place....and another Toyota SUV comes up behind me. And rides my ass until he finally got the opportunity to fly around me. And then the whole ride home from work, I had a minivan up my ass. A Toyota minivan. Was today "if you drive a Toyota, drive like a jackass" day or something?

I didn't dare tell my mother when I called to let her know I got to work okay about my car spinning out; she would have went absolutely ballistic on me. I could just see it now- why would you have continued to drive to work after that? Why didn't you come home instead? No place is worth your life, especially that place! Good god, I would have gotten the guilt trip of a lifetime.

I did take a Prozac last night. I am feeling pretty bloated and have occasional waves of nausea, but so far I have been okay. I didn't sleep too great, though; I'm thinking maybe I need to find a new time slot to take it. I also am still having that weird tingly feeling throughout my body and I feel like every thing in my body is shaking. I also swear the pills give me hot flashes.

We had a meeting today and a couple times my coworkers, as well as my boss, ripped in to some newer employees and their work. I just mentally shook my head. I felt like saying "oh, and I suppose no one in here was ever new and had to learn to do their job? No? You all just knew how to do it perfectly right off the bat?" I mean, sure we seem to get person after person who just never seems to get the hang of anything, but JFC right off the bat my coworkers have no sympathy for anyone just starting and/or with no medical background. Oh but I forgot- all of my coworkers are absolutely perfect and know how to do everything and never make any mistakes. Ever.

Random Thoughts

I hope to God tomorrow is a better day than today was. Today sucked eggs!

Before I get into why, I know I generally tend to react things inappropriately. When I first started at my job, way back in 2009, my manager told me that eventually the company was going to get a scanner and would I be interested in doing that job. I said definitely and then it wasn't until the summer of 2010 that I was brought into the office full time to begin doing that job. Of course, it wasn't until a few months later that we actually got the damn machine. And I was stunned in 2011 when I found out the job I was given and basically created was being taken from me and moved to our sister company. I figured even with imminent layoffs, they would still need me in the office. But nope. And then after so long, our sister company found out they couldn't handle the extra workload (LOL) and every thing slowly came back to our office. And our one medical assistant has apparently become the main person to do it. And you know what? It's like a fucking slap in the face. Maybe I am wrong to feel that way, but who knows?

Today my manager surprised me by asking me to scan some things. Of course, it was only because the MA was doing something. And as I was close to finishing the MA told me there were some things being faxed over that needed to be scanned, so I figured I'd wait until everything was faxed over and take care of them. In the meantime, the MA goes back to scan whatever she was working on and then asks me if I took care of the faxed over documents. I said no I hadn't gotten a chance to yet. Next thing I know, she is doing them. Again, maybe I am wrong to feel this way, but I was fucking pissed. I am so sick of her and her constantly needing to take charge of everything. I am also sick and tired of her I am so damn perfect and make mistakes and can therefore badmouth everyone when they make mistakes. Sorry honey, but you do make mistakes.

That was the first thing that put me in a bad mood. Then I took a chart that turned out to be a pain in the ass, then I decided to start one that was for an earlier day that was an even bigger pain in the ass. I feel like hunting down the addresses of doctor's offices that still use handwritten notes and write them letters that simply say "GET WITH THE 21ST CENTURY ALREADY", although like I said before, typed notes aren't any better, especially when the doctors use voice recognition software. And with the latter chart, that was perfectly clear. I had one report with two different dates listed for the person's date of injury. How do you not even realize a mistake that epic?

Then when I was driving home, I was waiting at a light to turn onto a main road and traffic on the main road was horrendous. Then some dope honks at me. I have no idea where he expected me to considering TWO LANES FULL OF CARS WERE COMING UP THE ROAD. I just shook my head and stayed put. A few minutes later he blares his horn at me again.....with two lanes full of cars still coming up the road. That time I did the very unlady like thing of sticking my middle finger out the window. How can I fucking go anywhere with cars coming? Get real, jerkoff.

After that all I wanted to do was go home and cry. I get home and my sister, my nephew, my grandparents, and my aunt are over. I burst into tears in the car instead.

And the main source of all of my stress today? Bad pelvic cramping and worrying about premature menopause and the frustration at not being able to say to someone "I am terrified I am going through premature menopause" because I know I will be ridiculed.

Random Thoughts

Thanks to the bleeding that started yesterday I am back to worrying that I am going through early menopause. I have been stressing over it so bad all day that I am physically exhausted from it. Between that, my mood swings, my digestive system issues, itchy skin spots, and my body temperature feeling all out of whack, I am almost pretty convinced that it's very possible. And having to keep it all bottled up is only adding more unnecessary stress, because as we all know from past experience, admitting to my disease/disorder fears never ends well.

And today when I was leaving work I did something incredibly stupid. On the other side of the road, the road is curved funny, almost like you're only allowed to turn left or right. And 99% of the time, people make a left hand turn. I make a left hand turn on my side as well. Well, today the light turned green and as I started to turn I realized someone was coming straight and I had to slam on my brakes, coming very close to hitting the person. The lady didn't yell at me or anything but kind of just put her hands up like you want to explain that? I felt like such a fucking idiot. I just wanted to die. Between the early menopause fear, work, and that, I felt like jumping out of my car and running into traffic. I can't believe I did something so stupid.

I wish I could give up driving. I really hate it.

I also really wish I could quit my job. My performance review has really been eating at me. The whole thing about getting emotional and easily overwhelmed especially. And who is my manager to talk about someone else overreacting to things? Ms. flies off the handles about EVERYTHING. I'll at least admit that I overreact to things, because I know damn well I do.

God, this week needs to get over already. I also got an email from my manager today- and me only- asking me if I would be interested in overtime again if it got approved. Of course I am interested in the extra money, but so it begins. Welcome to the world of being the only childfree person in your workplace, Slightly Short of Sane. Now everyone can take advantage of you.

The Stupid Of The Day

ALL THE DARWIN AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woman Dies in Car Crash While Posting to Facebook About Pharrell's Song 'Happy'

And speaking of stupid.....I've been missing Pretty Little Liars for some reason. Don't know why.

The WTF Of The Day

Judge Says Drunk Teen Is Too Rich to Pay the Price for Killing Four People

I.....I don't even know where to begin with this. Actually, yes I do:

According to news reports, a psychologist hired by 16-year-old Ethan Couch said the teenager was a victim of “affluenza,” a condition caused by the sort of absurdly permissive home life that comes with being wealthy.

This is a prime example of what is wrong with mental health care. Affluenza? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Equating a rich spoiled brat with mental illness is nothing short of an insult.

And it is absolutely true that if a poor kid or a minority did this, they'd have the book thrown at them. This little rich shit doesn't deserve to go to jail. He deserves to be struck down and killed by a stray bolt of lightening, as does the judge and his poor rotten excuse for parents. Also, was there a jury? Because if there was, they should all be ashamed of themselves as well.

W.T.F.

Boy, as if I haven't felt shitty enough today. I left work earlier and was at the traffic intersection outside of my work complex and waiting for the light to turn green. I started fiddling around on my iPod because it's a long light. Then I happen to look up and noticed the light had turned green. So I start to take my foot off of the brake to go when all of a sudden this car comes flying through the red light on the main road. Had I been paying attention and gone maybe five seconds sooner, I would have gotten nailed on the driver's side. I was so upset and shook up the whole way home and pretty much the entire night. And all I could think is, see, this is what you get for not leaving at your normal time (I left maybe a little over five minutes later than I normally do).

Not that this matters, but just for the record, I would have gotten nailed with "Time To Pretend" blasting. I don't think I would ever have listened to that song again if I had gotten hit. Then again, if I had gotten into an accident today, I probably would never leave the house again.

I feel crappy today. I know I did Sunday as well, but today is different. The weather is miserable. I'm exhausted, probably due to not sleeping well last night (my brain was running a never-ending loop of "why am I never good enough?"). It is still here. But I am happy about having a four day weekend! Yay! And Thanksgiving! I can't wait to stuff my face with food (although I'd rather have something other than turkey). Especially pie. I fucking love pie. PIE!!!!!!!

Random Thoughts

A couple weeks ago, one of the girls I used to work, but left right before I started, one of the oldest and most immature back-stabbing bitches in the office, had posted a picture on Facebook of her daughter helping with dinner. And my FWA leaves a comment joking that she wants to come to dinner. So my former coworker tags my FWA, my FWA's friend, and two other coworkers in a comment that says she needs to invite them for dinner some Saturday night. I was kind of in shock at it. Honestly, I want nothing to do with her, but it still stung a little. Actually more than a little. Especially since I know how much shit talking she did about my FWA and my FWA's friend. But hey, they want to be stupid and believe she is their friend, then go right ahead.

I only ever hear about her on ONTD, but lately there has been a lot of talk about Sky Ferreira. She reminds me so much of my FWA, it's creepy. Just imagine her with horrible acne, terrible teeth, a tongue stud, and white trashy. And that is my FWA. Oh, and pregnant. Can't forget pregnant. Ugh, the idea of that raising a child makes me want to drive my car off the nearest bridge.

Actually, a lot makes me want to do that, but that is neither here nor there.

Some time last week, I was coming home from work and got stuck behind a student driver. I was extremely agitated and while I wasn't tailgating, I was driving closer than I should have been. And later on that night, I started to feel bad about how I was driving so close. But then I thought about how once these assholes get their licenses, they'll probably be the same ones who defy the no cell phones/no texting laws because OMGZ nothing bad will ever happen me, and probably the same shits who party every weekend and drive drunk.

On the way to work this morning, I reminded myself to discuss something that happened in work a few weeks ago. Of course I nearly forgot. My God, my memory is getting terrible. Everyone keeps telling me it's because I am getting older. No, sorry someone should not have this bad of a memory at 29 years old. No, I blame psychiatric drugs. Especially Effexor. That evil spawn of Satan. I was watching some show called Flashpoint yesterday morning and some guy got a tainted vaccine and had developed ASL or something, so he went and held the lab hostage. I am surprised no one has ever did that with Big Pharma. Anyway, I am off topic here. A couple weeks ago, one of the big shots from up north came down and later on, one of my coworkers made a comment about it to me, then said "maybe he is here to fire us again", I said "I hope not", and then she said something that she would like that. And I felt like turning to her and say "JFC if you are that unhappy, then fucking quit already instead of bitching for over four years about how much you hate it here". Then we received an email today from Ms. Croquette telling us we were a percentage behind in revenue and if it isn't brought up, then we may have our holiday weekend taken from us. I wanted to round house kick my monitor. Are you fucking kidding me? I am looking forward to having off! Apparently they threaten that every year but it has yet to happen. Assholes.

Boy I can tell my PMS is showing. And I am not even due for another week! I feel like biting everyone's heads off. And have bitten a few off. I can't stand feeling this shitty, both physically and emotionally, every time it's going to be coming. And birth control is supposed to help! And it did not! Instead I was even more emotional and suicidal than usual!

Random Thoughts

Well, I knew my fear of having Addison's disease wouldn't stay away for long. I have been having issues with feeling light-headed when I stand at times over the past few days, so right away that reeled it back in some. I give up. I really do. I have no idea what to do for myself. What in the hell did I do on vacation that made it go away? Is it something in my diet? The only two things I did not have on vacation was sugar free Jell-O and the angel food cakes. Could one of them being doing it? I won't know unless I try cutting one or the other out for a week or so.

And I have been so goddamn depressed the past few days, I am beside myself. When I read that story the other day about Chloe, that dog that was set on fire, I cried for more than 20 minutes. I looked at the picture of her on the WPVI page and that was it. I started sobbing and choking from crying so hard. I was on the floor the next day stocking up on toilet paper and I had my iPod playing and "I Found A Whistle" on and I thought of Chloe and I started sobbing again. I just cannot fathom setting an animal on fire. Or any kind of abuse. How cruel can you be?

Goddamn that song for making me cry every time I hear it. *narrows eyes* And goddamn me for not being able to keep my weaknesses a secret.

I ran to Wal-Fart earlier and the one road I have to turn off of is a real bitch to make a right hand turn from. I was hot and not feeling good and very depressed and anxious over not feeling good from the heat, so I said fuck it, I am not even going to bother trying to turn. Next thing I know, the lady behind me honks and I look in my rear view mirror and she is pointing at me to turn. I was really not in the mood for people's assholish behavior, so I gave her the finger and I decided I definitely wasn't going to turn, just to piss her off (don't point out my hypocrisy). And then I see her pull out and she actually went around me and made the turn. I was like are you for real? I thought she was going to start trouble with me at first, which would not have been a good idea. I don't even want to be around myself in the heat. Lord knows what I would have said or done. But come on, no one says you have to turn on red, for god's sake. Chill the hell out.

This has not been a good week for me to like people. My sister and my parents had a huge miscommunication about a moving truck, which lead to small arguments, my sister refuses to admit she is at fault, and I had to listen to my sister bitch that she wishes she could divorce family sometimes. Yeah. Nice way to thank us for all of our back-breaking work helping you move.

Random Thoughts

Boy, am I cranky as anything. I don't even know why. I actually woke up in a good mood and have been relatively pleasant all day. And then suddenly, something crawled up my ass. Kind of like that bug that was up Icky Vicki's ass in The Fairly Oddparents.

Man, that was a great show. Before Poof came along, that is.

Actually, I think I got cranky after my sister asked my mother if anyone else was being invited to our itty bitty cookout on Sunday and she said no. Meaning she is not even going to bother inviting my grandparents and aunt. She just lets my father win all the time. And I know, I just know, if anything happens to my grandparents, my mother is going to whine that she is sorry she never said the hell with my father and just invited them. It makes me so damn angry.

It was bad enough that I was never allowed to go anywhere with them when I was little. My father forbidded us to go with them down the shore, or stay over their house, or whatever. And if that didn't make things shitty enough, he told my mother that if anything ever happened to us, he would hold her accountable. This from the same man that didn't even care if he had kids. Who said when my mother found out that she was pregnant with me that he doesn't know if he could love another child as much as my sister. When my mother told me the story about my father saying he would never let her live it down if anything happened to us- in addition to the story that if my mother ever tried to leave him, he would tell a judge that she was an unfit mother- I wanted to punch my father repeatedly in the face. How dare he even THINK of trying to use my sister and me against my mother. And how dare he try to say my mother was an unfit parent.

And then there was a time period where I was finally starting to get to see them more. Up until last year, for some unknown reason. And now it's the same shit all over again. My grandparents are in their 80's. I don't know how much more time I have with them.

And I wonder why I have so many fucking issues?

 I-476 reopened late Friday after truck fire | 6abc.com

Frozen french fries? Did they cook in that fire? Why do tractor trailers carrying the funniest things always crash? I heard about a tractor trailer accident a few months ago and obviously the accident itself wasn't funny, but when the news revealed what the cargo was, I think I laughed for about 15 minutes. I can't remember what it was, though. Dammit.

Speaking of tractor trailers, I almost witnessed someone get rear-ended by one on Thursday. Luckily, the truck driver was able to stop in time, although he was smoking all over the place from slamming the brakes so hard. My heart was in my throat, especially since the truck driver swerved into our lane and we were just getting over into the right hand lane. I swear, if I had seen someone get nailed by a tractor trailer, I would never get in a car again.

 7-Eleven Opens Thousands Of New Stores, Aims For World Domination

Alright! Who doesn't want world domination?! I like 7-11. You should see the big ass diet Coke I can get for about $1.60. The Double Gulp, I think it's called. It's about 54 oz. I also live in the land of Wawa, which is also awesome, but I can get a bigger soda at 7-11 for a cheaper price.

The Stupid Of The Day

Driver was texting in Missouri traffic pileup - Yahoo! News

I don't remember hearing about this case from over a year ago, but I'm glad the driver died. I don't feel one bit of sympathy for him. I guarantee he was one of those little smart ass kids that insists that oh texting and driving is so easy you just don't know how to multitask!!!!!!!!!!

And don't give me that crap that oh you did stupid things at that age. Because I didn't.

NJ and a few other states have bans on it and yet this past weekend, there was an article that texting and driving is actually up, particularly among young drivers. Do people actually find this funny? Do they really think it is funny that they are distracted and not paying attention to the road and putting other people on the road at risk for accidents? Because I don't. I don't think it's funny at all. And some people give excuses like oh I didn't know there was a ban. Bull. Shit. You were not texting because you were not aware of a ban. You were texting with full awareness of the law, but think you are above it because America is turning into a land of arrogant, self-centered, nothing can ever happen to them, fuck everyone else's safety ASSHOLES.

God help someone if they ever hit me while texting and driving.

Random Thoughts

I need to start writing down on a calendar when I get into bad moods and try to find a pattern. There seems to be no relation to my menstrual cycle so I can't blame it on hormones.

I have been in a horrible mood the past few days. I don't want to talk to anyone and whenever I finally do, it generally turns into a fight of some sort. I am exhausted beyond belief. It just took me about 10 minutes to finally get up off the bed. I drink 2 cups of coffee every day in work and that usually gets me through the day, but right now, I am still ready to face plant the keyboard. I am colder than normal and my whole body is burning. This is exactly how I felt right before my last period, but I just got over it, so I doubt it is that. Every little thing is getting on my nerves. Every day I drive home from work, I want to hit the gas pedal and ram into someone because everyone is getting on my nerves. If I could ever just drive home one day and not have some old fart in front of me driving 10 miles under the speed limit, I would die of shock.

I never would floor it, of course, but it is oh so tempting.

People are getting on my nerves everywhere. I am tired of TV being more important than anything in the household. I am tired of no one at home listening to me. I am tired of small talk. I am tired of people asking me stupid questions. I am tired of being interrupted every time I talk. I am tired of hearing about my sister's wedding. I am tired of every single time talking to my mom only to have her look up and say "what" because she was too busy watching TV. Oh, sure, she can't hear anything I say (her words), but if I am in my bedroom cursing someone under my breath and she is in another room, then suddenly she can hear every fucking word I say.

I love my family, but there are so many days I really do not want to come home ever again.

I am tired of getting annoyed with my acquaintence in work because I honestly think she really does like me. But she is so damn annoying! Head against the wall repeatedly annoying. I am tired of hearing her whine everytime our boss gets mad at her for leaving early or whatever. She does leave early a lot! Why does she not see that?! And I am sick of her interrupting me every single time I am in the middle of talking. And I am sick of her butting into all of my conversations. Almost every single time I am in the middle of a conversation with someone, she has to come up and make some kind of immature comment like "hey talking about me" or "hey shouldn't you be working" or something incredibly irritating and yes, I know I am borderline psychotic, but I just want to scream BITCH NO ONE IS FUCKING TALKING TO YOU!

And I have to laugh at this. I've already discussed the cute guy that comes in every so often. She thinks he is cute too. But she has a boyfriend who she just wuvs oh so much. She also is insecure as shit and is always flying off the handle at things she thinks are flirting with her boyfriend. Yet she made a comment one day that if she had known the cute guy was going to be in, she would have worn something different. I just looked at her like, bitch are you for real? She knows I had a bit of a small thing for him and even though I more than likely wouldn't have pursued anything if he was single, I guarantee she would have done something if she was single. She puts me in the mind of someone who would do something like that. Just because she can.

I don't know what the hell my problem is. I am turning into a fucking raving maniac.

Random Thoughts

Boy, I love how on rainy days the real nutty drivers come out of the woodwork. Yesterday was a really nasty rainy day and I had to use my horn so many damn times on the way to and from work, it was ridiculous. I was ready to get out of my car at a red light and rip some bitch's head off at one point after she pulled out on top of me without stopping. Why are people so fucking stupid?

For some reason, the bitching about bad drivers made me think back to sometime in April when I was driving to work and I stupidly almost caused an accident. Obviously, I was very shook up and upset because I am usually more careful than that when it comes to left hand turns, so when I got to work, I called my sister up sobbing. Not long after I got off the phone, "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley came on. And you know what? It actually made me feel a little better.

Bob makes everything better, doesn't he?

I don't know what the hell crawled up my mother's ass and died this week (apparently whatever was up mine last week; now I can't stop thinking about that episode of the Fairly Oddparents when the bug that makes Vicky evil escapes and infects everyone else), but I am apparently her punching bag this week. The other night, she didn't feel like cooking so she suggested we put money together and get pizza and right away my dad decides to go with Pizza Hut. I don't want Pizza Hut and since I am paying towards it, I want a vote. I simply say if they want Pizza Hut they can get it themselves and I'll get something else. Immediately she starts freaking out and tells me "you're getting on my nerves". What in the FUCK was the big deal in what I said? They get what they want, I get what I want. What is the problem? Am I missing something here? I don't see what the big deal is in them getting what they want and me getting something else. Oh and then it turns into I am getting on her nerves about my weight. Me not wanting Pizza Hut had nothing (not completely) to do with it being a million calories. I wanted generic pizza.

I was feeling pretty nasty when she started on me and I had to almost bite my tongue completely off to keep from responding to her "you're getting on my nerves" with "well, I can easily stop getting on your nerves now can't I?". God, I hate that. Any time someone pisses me off, my first instinct is always to threaten suicide. I don't know why, other than the fact that I am absolutely bat-shit fucking insane. Do I really mean my threat? Usually no. I think about suicide and death constantly, but with the exception of the time I was on Wellbutrin, I have never actually had any idea or formulated plan of how I would do it. Whenever I think about it, I always think of that line from Girl Interrupted, which I assume is referring to suicide methods:

razors pain you, rivers are damp, acid stains you, drugs cause cramps, gun aren't lawful, nooses give, gas smells awful, you might as well live

Seriously, sometimes I wish someone would save me the trouble.