LOL Okay

Back when my disease crisis of the moment was MS and I was trying psych med after psych med, I experienced a lot of weird shit like dizziness, urinary retention, and blurred vision, which did not help my worries that I had MS. And one thing I distinctly remember being constantly told from my mother was it's probably side effects from the medicine. Well, now I am back on medicine and feeling like shit and my mother is finding all of these things to blame my symptoms on. Except the medicine. So now all of a sudden it's not the medicine? When before every thing I had was from the medicine? That's rich coming from the same person who within 5 minutes of taking medicine has every side effect listed in the drug pamphlet. But apparently because antidepressants have never affected her digestive system I guess they can't affect anyone else's.

And why couldn't antidepressants affect the digestive system? First off, every drug on the market, if you look up the side effects, there are bound to be 3 side effects- nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. And there is serotonin in the digestive system, so why couldn't a drug that TARGETS SEROTONIN not affect the digestive system in some shape or form?

10:25PM: See, I am not entirely crazy (from this article):

Given the two brains' commonalities, other depression treatments that target the mind can unintentionally impact the gut. The enteric nervous system uses more than 30 neurotransmitters, just like the brain, and in fact 95 percent of the body's serotonin is found in the bowels. Because antidepressant medications called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) increase serotonin levels, it's little wonder that meds meant to cause chemical changes in the mind often provoke GI issues as a side effect. Irritable bowel syndrome—which afflicts more than two million Americans—also arises in part from too much serotonin in our entrails, and could perhaps be regarded as a "mental illness" of the second brain.

FML

The past few days in work I have felt like just screaming at the top of my lungs and never stopping. I am so goddamn frustrated! It's so damn frustrating to be working your butt off trying to get something done and your coworkers are on their 4th or 5th report and you're still only on your 1st. Or you type something and reread it over to make you what you have is right and you keep trying to move on to the next thing but you have to keep going back and check over the previous thing to make sure what you put is right. And god forbid you check it over a couple times, then go back to check it once again and find that you indeed made an error and you get anxious and upset because you almost missed it and then you have to go back and check it over several more times.

I don't know what the suicide rate is for people with OCD, but if it has a high rate, I would not be the least bit surprised. I would definitely say that of every thing I have been diagnosed with, it is the worst. Anyone with clinical OCD can perfectly understand why those of us with it want to punch every person who is all tee hee I like things neat I am so OCD.

I took my 3rd pill tonight and I honestly don't know how much longer I can ride this out. For one, I have myself so stressed out that I am going to gain weight that I am probably counteracting anything. And I am worried that I will gain weight and won't be able to lose it even if I go off of it. Or that it will mess up my entire metabolism for the rest of my life. My heart will not stop racing and I am feeling very shaky and a lot more anxious. I am also feeling very tired.

But the worst of it all is how it's affecting my entire digestive system. Of all the medications I have been on, the only time I ever had nausea was the first time I went on psych meds. Since an hour after I took my first pill, I have been experiencing burning in my stomach, nausea, burning in my throat, and bad bloating. I have had the joy of being in the bathroom 3 times today (that's a lot for me- I am always begging my digestive system to work, but for the love of God, when I say work, I don't mean diarrhea), which is only making me feel more bloated. My intestines hurt.

And I love how whenever I complain about how lousy I feel, all I get is "you need medicine!". Yes, because I am completely oblivious to how much of a fucking mental person I am. No, rather people are completely oblivious to how much I do realize that I am. I live in my mind every day, these people don't; I think I have a little more insight into how mental I am considering most people in my life have no awareness of just how much noise goes on in my head. They don't know how much I worry from the time I wake up until I go to sleep, of the strange and bizarre things I worry over, the minute things I worry over, of just how stressed I feel when my routine is going to be disrupted, of the horrible images I have in my head of bad things happening, of just how fearful I am of standing up for myself, of how I am tired of worrying but feel like if I don't worry I'll jinx myself, of just how fearful I am of gaining weight, of how I am afraid to ask people to do things for fear something will happen to them, of just how much self loathing I have, or one of the biggest problems of all, how much I struggle to understand why I wish I was a paraplegic.

I don't think that one will ever be answered or solved with any kind of medicine or therapy or whatever, though. And you know what? Fuck anyone who has a problem with it. I don't like the feeling any more than someone likes being disabled.

Ugh. This train ride is not going to be fun. At all.

OH NOES

Just got notification that my labwork is available to view.

Can't wait to see that everything is normal.

5:29PM: As expected, everything was normal, with the exception of my red blood cell count (the range was 3.77-5.28 and it was 3.67), my sodium levels (the range was 134-144 and it was 146), and my urinalysis showed occult blood. Don't know if being on my period had anything to do with anything being out of range.

9:39PM: Also got the results of my uterine biopsy. Here are just a few things in the report:

Endometrial biopsy:
- Shedding altered secretory endometrium with chronic endometritis

ENDOMETRIAL BIOPSY: Received labeled EMB are multiple fragments of hemorrhagic material measuring 2.0 x 2.0 x 0.4 cm in aggregate

Comments:
CD138 stain is POSITIVE for plasma cells with appropriate controls

I.....I honestly have no idea what any of it means. Sounds a little terrifying, though.

And one more thing for the night- I did it. I took a Prozac pill tonight. Mentally I had a shitty day. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My stomach feels horrible. Took me too damn long to work on charts due to inability to concentrate and having to stop and recheck my work repeatedly. And then coming home to my bloodwork results being normal, which means I once again still have no answer, just kind of pushed me over the edge. Frankly I felt like going in and taking the whole damn bottle of pills. I can already feel my anxiety levels rising over starting it, though. I am going to be a nervous wreck while I am on them.

Good God

Can the Oscars get over already so I can see the news FFS? Because of course they have to be on the station of the only news broadcast I like to watch.

I am also annoyed because all of the fingers on my right hand are red, puffy, warm, and pulsing- minus my pinky which feels cold- and every finger on my left hand is cold.

Random Thoughts

The Oscars are on tonight. How exciting, watching a bunch of rich people pat themselves on the back and get goody bags worth more than most people's annual salaries and full of shit that probably none of them need and can easily afford on their own. 

For the past several weeks, every time I turn on my computer, the clock is off and I have to go manually sync it to the time server. It's starting to drive me nuts, especially because now there are days it won't even sync. My first thought was malware, but I have ran multiple scans and except for cookies, nothing shows up. I googled it earlier and it sounds like it could be hardware problem. Wouldn't surprise me, considering my computer is almost 6 years old.

As I say every Sunday night, I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I look at my work log every Friday afternoon before I submit it and want to cry. Knowing I am not pulling my weight is frustrating the hell out of me, because I don't like to feel like I am not equally participating. There's days it makes me feel so awful I just want to pack up all of my shit and walk out.

I haven't really been on much so I haven't gotten around to mentioning that the company gave us bonuses. Pretty damn decent ones. And I have never felt so undeserving of something in my life.

This right here should be incentive to take the Prozac. But it's not. I also suspect Prozac won't help me with That Thing, either. If anything needs to be tackled by medication, that is one of them! My mother said to me the other day when I was complaining about taking it that I won't know if it will make me gain weight or not unless I take it. Which is true. And yeah, if it starts to put weight on me, then I can just do like I did with birth control and quit it. But part of me fears that it will alter my body in some way that I won't be able to get the weight off and/or I'll keep gaining.

I wish I could remember how exactly it affected my weight the last time I took it and whether it affected my weight at all dosages or just a certain dosage. The only thing I distinctly remember is of all of the medications I took following my funny farm stay, it was one of the only ones that did something, albeit mildly, and for some reason, 20 mgs worked better than 40 mgs.

Thanks to the snow yesterday, I was in pretty much the whole day and was bored and feeling anxious and restless, so I started cleaning up things. And one of those things was paperwork. And I came across paperwork from when I was hospitalized and laughed when I came across the "Voluntary Admission" consent form. Voluntary admission my ass. If I was to go there now and admit myself, I would consider that a voluntary admission. But that time I would not consider that voluntarily. It was either sign myself in then or the cops would be called. Either way you look at it I was ending up in the hospital, so how is that voluntary?

Earlier I went through old journals to find any record of when I was on Prozac and couldn't find much, except a monumental amount of second hand embarrassment. Holy zombie Jesus, these journals need to be doused in gasoline and lit on fire. And then the ashes need to be burned. I want to crawl under my desk and die just thinking of some of the shit in there. Even on here, I can go through old posts and think OH GOD WHY and if it's still around years from now, I am sure I will go through these posts and think OH GOD WHY. But these journals are exceptionally bad.

And not only is there a lot of embarrassing shit, but there is a lot about That Thing. That alone makes me want to kill them all with fire. And myself, if anyone should ever read them.

Song Of The Day

Heard this song for the first time the other morning on 104.5 and can't get enough of it:

Random Thoughts

There is a trending story on my Facebook page about a dentist being charged with the death of a patient who was having 20 teeth pulled. Twenty teeth? What the hell does someone do in their life to have to have that many teeth pulled at one time? Even if you can't afford to go the dentist, toothpaste and toothbrushes don't cost that much damn money!

Speaking of Facebook, earlier one of my cousin's wives posted something about today being her daughter's first cheerleading competition (followed by "been waiting for this since they said "it's a girl!""- I can't tell you how hard I side-eyed that). Why are there so many girls in cheerleading anymore? And if it's not cheerleading, it's dance. And not cute dancing, like ballet. Dancing where they have more make-up on than a clown and dance like little fucking pole dancers. Does no one enroll their kids in music or art or ballet or anything traditional anymore?

I rolled out of bed earlier this morning to go and get my blood work done, so that is out of the way. Now I just have to await the results of my numerous tests (LH, FSH, prolactin, metabolic, CBC, ANA, erythrocyte sedimentation rate, and a urinalysis. And yes, despite my best efforts, I managed to piss all over my hand doing the last one. As usual.). I am also still waiting on the results of my biopsy. Not sure why I am so anxious to see my results for any of these test- we all know everything will probably come back normal anyway.

I finally got a free weekend after 2 busy weekends and it's frigging snowing again. I thought maybe we were lucking out this winter, but apparently that is not the case. And my sister is still at work for another half hour. I am a nervous wreck about her driving home. 

Ooo! I just realized it is Food Factory marathon time! Woooooooo!

*Long Ass Sigh*

I have a bottle of Prozac sitting in my bathroom cabinet. I haven't taken any yet. Because I am too chicken shit. It amazes me how I am so sick of the bullshit, the obsessing, the anxiety, the constant worrying, the feelings of hopelessness and guilt, the feeling of being so blue it's suffocating, the flying off the handle....and the fear of gaining weight manages to overshadow it all.

Apparently there are 3 possible reasons for my women problems- something is wrong with my sexual hormones, something is wrong with my general hormones, or it's stress. I don't doubt the last one has some kind of hand in this all, but the fact that it had to come up as a reason depresses the hell out of me. I am starting to feel like once that mental illness stigma is attached to you, everything in your life is going to be the result of stress. Oh, you're hemorrhaging out of every orifice? Your foot fell off? You have a mass in your boob? Your uterus prolapsed? STRESS

Another thing that is bugging me is how more than once I have said to a doctor that I have OCD and was asked "are you sure you have OCD?". What even? Yes, I am sure. One, I have been diagnosed with it (and have the paperwork to prove it). When I was diagnosed with it, it shocked the hell out of me. It was not a diagnosis I expected. But then I started looking back and realizing how much of my behavior was classic OCD behavior. It frustrates me so much because it's not like I'm just some dolt who is all tee hee I like a clean house I am so OCD. No, this is something that is taking over my whole entire fucking life and making it a living hell. And to be doubted is just downright hurtful. Would someone with diabetes or cancer be asked "are you sure you have diabetes" or "are you sure you have cancer"? No, they wouldn't. I don't think there is every going to be a point in my life where mental illness does not have a stigma. Sure, it may lessen at some point, but I think it's always going to be there in some shape or form.

Random Thoughts

There are plenty of things that annoy me about Facebook, but one of the biggest annoyances is when people post about winning things, like you have to post a picture of a car or something and state what color you want along with the picture and you'll be entered for a chance to win a car or whatever is in the picture. It astonishes me how many people fall for this shit.

Finally I got to have my appointment today. Waiting to be seen was not a picnic. For one, the waiting room was completely packed and the only seat that was open was in a corner between some pregnant chick and some old dude. The old dude smelled of cigarettes and kept coughing and the pregnant chick was restless and clearly uncomfortable and I would have actually felt somewhat sorry for her had she not kept leaning over on me and popping her gum. I started getting light-headed and dizzy at one point because I was coming very close to having a panic attack from being so jam-packed in. Then at some point, some lady comes in with her 3 kids and 2 of the kids kept pushing each other off of chairs and onto the floor and Mommy just kept playing on her phone. I was texting my sister and complaining about it and she made some comment that not everyone has the support of family to baby-sit. I texted her back and said that doesn't mean she can't control her kids. She barely even talked to them! It's sad when parents can't even interact with their kids because they're too busy with their eyes glued to their smart phones.

I feel like I got a little somewhere with this doctor. He did order more blood work and my FSH and LH levels are going to be tested again. Something to do with the ratio being off. He says he is not worried about menopause with me, so I take it I am not going through it, I guess. I also had the joy of having a uterine biopsy. Not a pleasant experience by any means. It felt like extremely bad menstrual cramps. And to make matters worse, my period came yesterday so I already had menstrual cramps. And there is the whole having to be examined vaginally while you're bleeding vaginally part. Being examined on a normal basis without my period is embarrassing enough. And apparently my uterus has a slight tilt to it. And I was officially diagnosed with PMDD.

I was also prescribed Prozac and birth control. I really don't want to go pick these up.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Wienermobile loses control, smacks into pole in Enola

Song Of The Day

This song has been on my iPod favorites list for almost a year, but I have only started really liking it since this past Christmas Eve:

Random Thoughts

Man, it is BRUTAL outside. It's about 14 degrees Fahrenheit with a real feel of about -1. YUCK. And it's supposed to be pretty brutal this whole week. HOW EXCITING.

And to make the week more exciting, the catty one who used to work at my place is coming in tomorrow for lunch. And everyone will fawn all over like she is some fucking princess. It just astonishes me. And for some reason unknown to me, the one who plays on her phone all the time is going to be in the office all week instead of on the road. How exciting. A whole week of watching her play on her phone and when she isn't doing that, she'll either be talking or spending all of her time on the Facebook page of some place called Enchanted Farms. Or something other than work. This past Friday I watched her spend most of the day on Excel working on her household budget. A couple Fridays ago, her shift was over at 12:30. She stayed until 2. And what did she do that whole time? Spent her time on this Enchanted Farms page. The whole hour and a half. A whole hour and a half of OVERTIME and she didn't even fucking work.

I don't want to lose my job right now, but I would love to see us get shut down just so I can see how everyone else would survive having to work somewhere else. Especially this bitch and my FWA. But then again, lousy workers are always rewarded so they'd probably do just fine. My FWA would create some woe is me sob story (and now she has a baby to use to her advantage!) and everyone will feel sorry for her and cater to her just like the morons at this place do.

And speaking of her, she was a half hour late to work on Friday. Because she got into a fight with her boyfriend's mother. And just as I expected, I had to hear the WHOLE goddamn story later. I can't even begin to describe how badly I wanted to scream I DON'T CARE, OH MY FUCKING GOD I DON'T CARE. Especially because I was already annoyed that a conversation about having bad PMS and being unable to tolerate birth control and having bad cramps every month turned into having to hear about her fucking labor and water breaking again (I guess the fact that I said my cramps primarily affect my back reminded her that she had back labor so she figured it was her chance to turn the whole conversation back to herself). Again- don't care.

And I swear, if I go into work tomorrow and have to hear one person say they went to see 50 Shades of Shit and then rave about it, I am going to go fucking ballistic. I read a rundown on ONTD one day of some of the things Christian Gray (Gray, Grey, don't give enough fucks to google it) does to her in the books and I am beyond appalled that so many women like these books. If you honestly want a man like Christian Gray you need to check your fucking life big time.

God I wish my damn period would come already. I am tired of feeling so damn crabby. I am now getting to the point that I am starting to fret that it's going to come later than last month or not at all. I am so tired of this every month. I felt a little better after my blood work came back normal, but now I am starting to get anxious all over again that I am going through perimenopause. Especially when once again your period is coming later than it has been for years and you're waking up warm during the night or drinking coffee and feeling warm.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for a Food Factory marathon. 

Random Thoughts

Not only do I have the PMS from hell this week, but I am also having the digestive system from hell as well. I am bloated and uncomfortable and have bad pains across my belly button area. I know I haven't been eating too great, but man, I didn't even feel this bad at Christmas time.

For some unknown reason last night I decided to look up my deceased friend's Facebook page. I did find it and I was going through her friend's list looking for anyone I may have been interested in friending. There wasn't anyone. And as I was going through the list and looking at people I used to be friends with, all I could think was good God, I really don't miss high school one bit.

And then a pretty sad realization came across my mind- I don't really miss my friend all that much, either. I do, just not nearly as much as I should or thought I did. Sure, she was the only one who kept in touch with me after high school and always remembered my birthday, but once she started hanging out with girls who were on the rebellious side, I was shoved to the back burner. I felt like the only time she would hang out with me was when those girls weren't around.

Then again, that was pretty much what everyone did to me in high school; if their "cool" friends weren't around, then it was hey, let's hang out with boring old Slightly Short of Sane. Old, predictable, dull-as-dishwater Slightly Short of Sane. 

ARGH!!!!!!!!!

My period needs to come STAT. I am so damn hostile and cranky this week!

And the fatigue! Good lord the fatigue!

It's my sister's birthday. At the risk of sounding like petty jealous bitch, I can't wait to see how many people wish her a happy birthday that ignored mine.

PMS really makes me hate everything and everyone on a very unhealthy level.

7:28AM: ugh I am so exhausted. I just want to climb back into bed and sleep for the rest of the day. It's not like I slept bad, although I did wake up sweaty at one point.

I am also feeling horribly bloated and have that annoying burning in my stomach that I usually correlate with hormones (sucko week with the digestive system).

9:55PM: okay, my period REALLY needs to come.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I see my favorite Tartlrer is jumping on her SJW high horse and reposting shit defending Kanye for his little sissy tantrum at the Grammy's. I won't even start on people who can seriously defend Kanye. Honey, just stick to posting about MGMT. And while you're at it, enough with the posting pictures of Andrew and Camille and whining about how they're not together anymore. I hate resorting to a Frozen reference, but JFC LET IT GO.

Hrmph

Dreading going to sleep. Dammit, I haven't been worrying about this in awhile and now it's starting all over again.

I am also super worried what the roads are going to be like in the morning.

ETA 7:27PM: I slept fine. No waking up feeling warm and/or sweaty. And thankfully the roads were fine. And thankfully I was able to get that monstrous chart done. I mean, it was finished 15 minutes before the appointment time, but I still got it done in time! All 11.5 pages of it.

I, on the other hand, am not fine, because I have major PMS and want to rip everyone's heads off.

And Here We Go Again

I was freezing last night before I went to bed and not long after I got into bed, I started feeling warm and could feel my hands swelling and throbbing (not in pain). Continued feeling warm and couldm't fall asleep and finally took Advil around 1:30 and eventually fell asleep. Woke up several times feeling very warm and sweaty. Now I am feeling pretty cold and nauseous. And exhausted. This was totally not the night to not sleep.

Wut

I had insomnia last night (probably from all those damn sweets) and at one point I thought, I know what hormones are and what they do, but what do they look like? I know they're chemicals and have seen their chemical structures, but I have yet to see an actual picture of them. And it's been irking me all damn day. Even Google couldn't help me!

Random Thoughts

Over a month and half later, I am still feeling slightly depressed that Christmas is over, but the more the one Wildwood FB page I am a fan of posts pictures, the more I am starting to feel ready for spring and summer* and going down the shore. MY BODY IS READY.

*minus the severe weather

I don't understand how 99% of the time my father never answers the phone but decides to answer today to a number that isn't even recognizable. And then tells me it's for me. It was my health insurance looking to conduct a survey. And I got a little abrupt on the phone and then hung up in the middle of it. Now I feel really bad, both for being abrupt and for hanging up.

God, I am really not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I ended up having to take a fairly large chart on Friday and I have no idea how I am going to get it done in time for Tuesday morning. I feel like I am going to have a panic attack every time I think of having to go back in and work on it. Plus I am feeling really anxious that I am not even doing it right.

My whole work place is getting on my last nerve anymore. I try to just go in and do my job and leave it at that, but by the end of the day, I leave with a little less teeth (from gritting and grinding) and feeling exceptionally annoyed. I am tired of everyone lying to me and complaining about each other (despite the fact that I am guilty of it and am probably the worst of all, although I do most of my bitching to my family and not to my coworkers) and complaining about other people's mistakes while making plenty themselves. I can't stand listening to my FWA bitch about not being able to get away with anything. I am about to blow my cork on the new woman (we all are, actually, it's just a matter of who will do it first).

Oh, and I am tired of how much everyone loves and still talks about the girl who left right before I started again. If you all remember, I worked with her when I was there before and mentioned plenty of times how immature and two-faced she was, so I fail to see what is so wonderful about her and why she is put on such a high pedestal. Like not one of those dumbasses can see how two-faced she is? I have to laugh at how my FWA thinks she is so wonderful even after discovering this bitch was deliberately starting trouble between her and the racist bitch.

And another one, she started right after I started back in 2009, I like her for the most part, but I have never met someone who likes to criticize and bitch about others mistakes as much as her (except maybe myself). And the funny thing is, she makes plenty of mistakes herself. Oh, and she is also one of those people who is all I don't keep my mouth shut and will tell you how I feel right to your face.....but never does. Also, it gets tiring having to hear about her perfect son and his perfect life all of the damn time. Oh yeah, he is so perfect, that's why he had to be taken to the ER last year with bowel problems from starting to develop an eating disorder because he is involved in one of the stupidest sports ever invented.

And then I like this- almost everyone in my office smokes, minus me and 2 quitters, and now everyone is on their umpteenth time trying to quit and they have those E-cigs and they'll actually smoke them in the office. One girl was even standing up at the front desk the other day trying to smoke it discreetly. I felt like saying, are you fucking kidding me? It would be one thing if it was just a regular day with no patients, but we had a waiting room full of patients.

I guess maybe I am too harsh, but I really have no sympathy for smokers. It's not like these people were raised in the prehistoric time when no one knew it was bad for you. It's been known for plenty of years how bad smoking is. And everyone else who doesn't smoke.

The party ended up going pretty well last night. And as expected it took forever to clean up after, although we at least got home a little after 11. Also, I feel really crappy from all of the food (e.g. desserts) I ate. And I didn't sleep too well and woke up quite a few times feeling hot, which I would either contribute to getting close to period time or from the overabundance of carbs or both.

My nephew's birthday party is next weekend and I found out last night my BIL has a band gig that night. So he probably won't even be around to help clean up. Isn't that nice of him?

Every time I feel like I just got over my period, it already feels like it's time for it again. It doesn't help that I start to experience PMS symptoms a good 2 weeks beforehand. And boy, have I been super bitchy lately. Everything is annoying me, everyone is annoying me, I am annoying me.

And I know I have said things before, but I really don't understand what has happened to ONTD since I started reading it. What are these people that members are stanning for nowadays? Is everyone a 15 year old girl on there now? And there is one member- won't mention any names, but I'll just say they make A LOT of posts- I can't believe a person actually exists in the world that stans for so many terrible people. Every time I see one of his posts, my brain wants to short out from the terribleness of it all. And the constant complaining of white people is just yawn-inducing now. We GET it- you all hate white people. And I am sure most of you are white people yourselves. And don't stand there and complain about how much you hate all white people and we're all the devil and then have fucking Britney Spears as your icon.

I saw an article in the paper last week about a car accident and it said the conditions of the driver weren't released at that time. I generally tend to see that in the news a lot, except for that story back in October. Why couldn't that have been one of those times? Oh no. I still don't understand how the news even found that out, how they even definitely knew that the person was definitely paralyzed (wouldn't it be a little too early to make that call?), or why that kind of information was even released in the first time. All I know is every time I think of it, I get very agitated. The whole thing with That Thing just agitates me, mostly because I don't understand it. And it's not even something I can blame on when my mental issues started getting bad, because if I really think about it, it is clearly something that has deep roots very far back into my childhood. All I know is every time I think of it, I want to pick up a gun and blow my brains out.

Good lord, I don't post for almost a week and then I write a fucking novel.

Shit

I am starting to get really anxious that I am going to come down with the flu again.

I really hate Sunday nights. I hate going to bed when I am not ready to.

Also, it is snowing again. The temperature is supposed to rise and it is supposed to switch to rain, but it is still making me nervous.

Song Of The Day

I couldn't get enough of this song back in....hm....whatever year Star Wars Episode III came out, then kind of stopped listening to it, then heard it on the radio a few weeks ago coming home from work and realized what a good song it was again:

Random Thoughts

It's Puppy Bowl! I have had it on since it started at 3, minus 2 hours of Food Factory. Goat cheerleaders! Katty Furry (who sounds remarkably better than her human counterpart)! Kitten halftime! And best of all, there is an actual full miniature schnauzer this year!

I can't believe the weekend is over already. I feel like I just got off of work and it's Sunday night already. And I did nothing the whole weekend! I am so fucking disgusted.

And I have been having some bleeding the past couple days. Over 2 years; I am so over this. I just want to know why this is happening. All I have concluded is it seems to basically occur around and/or during ovulation time. Is something wrong? It is normal? Is it something I am just basically going to have to deal with until my womanly parts decide to quit?

I am really starting to hate going into work. And it's not even so much that I hate my job itself; it's because I have so much trouble doing my job because of my stupidity in allowing mental illness to take over my life. And I at least can say that yes, I do have a major problem and yes, I would like to get better. But it's also clashing with the part of me that doesn't want to fight to get better and would rather just die. And the latter is starting to want to take control.

And then this shit with That Thing- I know damn well deep down that even if it happened to me, I would not be any happier. I would probably be just as miserable, if not possibly more.

It's That Day!

No, not Superbowl.

Happy, happy birthday, you flawless specimen.