Video Of The Day

Although we're status post Christmas, never a more perfect time to post this: 

Random Thoughts

Usually it doesn't take long for the post-holiday blues to start kicking in on Christmas day, but for some reason this year it was a delayed reaction. I don't know if it was due to the complete chaos (although that's a pretty standard thing for any holiday in this household) or the damper the whole Covid pandemic has put on basically everything this year, or what the heck it was. But it's coming, oh my yes. Then you go on the internet and you see gazillions of headlines of how the worst of the pandemic is yet to come, it's going to be a dark winter, predictions are grim, etc, etc....and how are you supposed to feel any better?

I don't understand why people are so anxious to say goodbye to 2020. Yes, it was a horrendous year, but when that clock strikes midnight on Thursday, guess what? Covid is still going to be here. It's not going to just magically spontaneously combust and go away, even though that would be like the greatest thing ever right now. Nope, it'll still be here gracing us with its little spiky ass, wreaking havoc.

And being able to get the vaccine, that cannot come quick enough. Although I am getting to a point where I'm not even sure if having the vaccine is going to help my anxiety levels much, although I do believe my anxiety levels won't be nearly as bad as they are not being vaccinated. I was somewhat hesitant on getting it before, but I can't take it anymore. I just want this to go away. Lord knows what kind of side effects it could cause in the future, but I just don't even care anymore. I'm not having kids, so I don't have to worry about any effects in that aspect, no mutants or flipper babies (IT WAS ONLY A COUPLE OF FLIPPER BABIES!!!)

I was reading an article the other day profiling people who have died from the virus and the entire time I read the article, I could feel my blood pressure rising. All of these people died needlessly, yet every single asshole in the Chump administration who have caught the virus through every fault and stupidity of their own managed to survive it. Where is the justice? Yes, I know life is unfair, but come on. This is just rotten.

And one of the things that tore at my soul the most reading the profiles were the loved ones saying how scared the deceased person was when they were sick. That bothered me. A lot. Reading about these people only fuels me in wanting to get the vaccine. Do it for them. Because they didn't get a chance.

I also want it to protect myself from my asshole coworkers. All I want is an answer to why they feel so sure of themselves that they aren't carrying the virus. Is it arrogance? Stupidity? Both? And I also want to know why one person cannot have the decency to put a damn mask on when they're talking to me. You see me with one on, have some damn respect. And I shouldn't have to demand it. Just do it. Have some sense.

Christmas Song Of The Day

Because once again, no one will take my word and just not have the holidays this year, we had the same small group as Thanksgiving and because no function in my household can be complete without utter chaos and mayhem, I never got a chance to post a song yesterday. Now I did not post in any particular countdown order; however, my last choice is, to me, THE ultimate Christmas song that NO other Christmas songs can EVER hold a candle to. No way. No how. NEVER EVER COMPARE. 

Looking at you, Mariah.

Christmas Song Of The Day

 

Christmas Song Of The Day

 

Christmas Song Of The Day

 

Christmas Song Of The Day

Song(s) Of The Day

With Christmas in 5 days, I'm going to post a favorite Christmas song every day, although today will be several, as I am going to post my top favorite versions of "O Holy Night" (no order):

 

 

Johnny Mathis

 

 

Nat King Cole

 

 

Celine Dion

 

 

 

And can't forget Josh Groban

Random Thoughts

Another holiday season come and gone.  Another round of post-holiday blues that I know will eventually cease but is still a pretty rough ride to tough out.  And with the way things have been going, before I know it, I'll be in stores and saying holiday stuff already?

Considering how every little noise under the sun annoys me to the point of full blown aggravation, I've often wondered if I have misophonia.  And one of the noises that annoys me is hearing people cough.  And I just so happen to be lucky enough to work in a place where everyone and their fucking grandmother constantly coughs all day.  Between that and the sound of people collating, along with many other things, I am going to go fucking crazy one day.  And since New Year's Eve, I've had congestion, post-nasal drip, an irritated throat, and now an intermittent cough.  Do you know what it's like to be the source of one of your own trigger noises?  I'm absolutely getting on my own nerves hearing myself cough.  And I can't even escape it.   

Random Thoughts

So it appears my period is finally coming. It's only about a week late. Thank God this didn't happen back during when I was freaking out and thinking I was going through early menopause or I probably would have ended up in the nuthouse.

I'm starting to see more and more holiday things disappearing and I am feeling the post-holiday blues more and more and the dread of long cold winter days and nights. 

And now it's that time of the year where it's just weeks and weeks of work and no holiday until Memorial Day weekend, minus any PTO I might take. I don't understand why we get no holidays whatsoever until then. At least give us Good Friday or something.

So I go back to work this past Tuesday and find out that the holiday party was actually that day. I swore it was on Wednesday, but when I pulled up my email, sure enough it was scheduled for the 29th. I felt like such an asshat. I was the only one who didn't participate in the Pollyanna thing, although judging by the gifts some people bought, I certainly didn't miss out on anything.

I'm so over the people in that place. It's not a good sign when you'd rather be nailed by an 18-wheeler than have to look at those people every day.

Blech

I am really, REALLY not looking forward to going back to work. I think what is making it worse is 1)  with the exception of New Years Eve everyone is going to be in the office, 2) the holiday party on Wednesday, and 3) Christmas is over.

And where in the sam hell is my period???

Merry Freaking Christmas!

There better not be one lie in this tweet:

Happy bday jesus . Merry holidays everyone. Happy birthday, everyone: 2016 is the year MGMT re-dominates your mind hole , see you then 💖

— MGMT (@whoisMGMT) December 25, 2015

Random Thoughts

Merry early Christmas! It's currently 70 degrees right now in my neck of the woods. WTF?

Yesterday we had a cake in work for my birthday. Someone asked the MOB if she wanted a piece and she goes "no it looks too sweet" (it was vanilla cake with buttercream). And she said it a couple more times. And then starts saying how she doesn't like vanilla icing, blah blah blah. I just walked away when she started with that. I felt like saying to her "First off, last I checked, it's not your birthday. Second, we don't need to hear your opinion on everything. And last, do you have to be so fucking negative about everything?". Like just say no thank you and STFU.

I know I can be a miserable person but JFC, her negativity just sucks the life and fun out of everything. She's like a fucking Dementor. We had Christmas music on on Monday and she did nothing but nonstop bitch about it. Despite saying she doesn't care what is on, but that she can tune the music out. So then tune it out and STFU.

I always have to laugh how she looks down at music and top 40 radio (which I am guilty of myself but never mind that). Bitch, you're a fucking Linkin Park fan. Take several seats.

What Even

I loathe the cold weather thanks to being so damn cold all of the time, but 70 degree weather less than 2 weeks before Christmas? No. Just no.

And now it's back to drama-central after a 4 day weekend.

Random Thoughts

Sometime after my last post, I was in work one day and received an email from my new manager to check if medical records had been reviewed in a summary I had done. Apparently the client had sent medical records and there was no hide or hair of them in my summary. So I looked over the medical records and compared to them to what I had typed and sure enough they weren't summarized. And do you know why they weren't summarized? Because they weren't part of the records. Because they were never collated. Because they were never printed out. And who had the job of printing out the medical records for that patient? None other than my FWA.

This is exactly why I want to punch every person who tells me that I need to ignore it all and just go in and do my job. Every time I bitch about how my coworkers take a million breaks or sit around and talk or not do anything at all, I get the same song and dance, that the best thing I can do is to just ignore it and just go in and do my job. Which makes sense to a degree, but it starts to get a little hard to just ignore and just do my job if I have to constantly clean up the person's incompetence. I swear, I am getting so sick and tired of having to fix my FWA's measurements of charts. Apparently her concept of any type of measurement- be it time, inches, etc- is fucked up. I constantly come across charts that she printed out and has down as 0.25 inches that are so clearly 0.5 inches (or more) even Stevie Wonder could see it.

I have really not been feeling well the past week or so. I'm tired. I'm cranky as shit. I'm cold as hell. I feel out of breath. I feel like my heart and pulse are racing- earlier I looked in the mirror and could see my pulse pounding out of my neck. Often when I stand up, my vision darkens and I feel like I am going to pass out. I'm nauseous. My legs burn and are twitchy and feel weak. Three times I have taken my blood pressure since Friday and it averaged about 93/60. And I am starting to worry that this Peri-Colace/Miralax regimen is behind why I am not feeling well. Surely having diarrhea often cannot be good for the body. I think I'd rather be constipated than feel like this.

Earlier in work, I was collating a chart and came across a surgical admission sheet from back in February. And right after it was a death certificate. Apparently the person went in for elbow surgery, arrested, and died sometime not long after. I've felt so horrible since I read it. Sure the person had a shit ton of health problems, including cardiovascular ones, but still. You're cleared by your doctor to undergo a fairly benign procedure and you fucking die?

Man, I miss the Treehouse of Horror marathon that was on last week. I was on that like ugly on an ape. Kind of sad that Halloween is over already, especially because now will come the full blown Christmas assault. 

Random Thoughts

Over a month and half later, I am still feeling slightly depressed that Christmas is over, but the more the one Wildwood FB page I am a fan of posts pictures, the more I am starting to feel ready for spring and summer* and going down the shore. MY BODY IS READY.

*minus the severe weather

I don't understand how 99% of the time my father never answers the phone but decides to answer today to a number that isn't even recognizable. And then tells me it's for me. It was my health insurance looking to conduct a survey. And I got a little abrupt on the phone and then hung up in the middle of it. Now I feel really bad, both for being abrupt and for hanging up.

God, I am really not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I ended up having to take a fairly large chart on Friday and I have no idea how I am going to get it done in time for Tuesday morning. I feel like I am going to have a panic attack every time I think of having to go back in and work on it. Plus I am feeling really anxious that I am not even doing it right.

My whole work place is getting on my last nerve anymore. I try to just go in and do my job and leave it at that, but by the end of the day, I leave with a little less teeth (from gritting and grinding) and feeling exceptionally annoyed. I am tired of everyone lying to me and complaining about each other (despite the fact that I am guilty of it and am probably the worst of all, although I do most of my bitching to my family and not to my coworkers) and complaining about other people's mistakes while making plenty themselves. I can't stand listening to my FWA bitch about not being able to get away with anything. I am about to blow my cork on the new woman (we all are, actually, it's just a matter of who will do it first).

Oh, and I am tired of how much everyone loves and still talks about the girl who left right before I started again. If you all remember, I worked with her when I was there before and mentioned plenty of times how immature and two-faced she was, so I fail to see what is so wonderful about her and why she is put on such a high pedestal. Like not one of those dumbasses can see how two-faced she is? I have to laugh at how my FWA thinks she is so wonderful even after discovering this bitch was deliberately starting trouble between her and the racist bitch.

And another one, she started right after I started back in 2009, I like her for the most part, but I have never met someone who likes to criticize and bitch about others mistakes as much as her (except maybe myself). And the funny thing is, she makes plenty of mistakes herself. Oh, and she is also one of those people who is all I don't keep my mouth shut and will tell you how I feel right to your face.....but never does. Also, it gets tiring having to hear about her perfect son and his perfect life all of the damn time. Oh yeah, he is so perfect, that's why he had to be taken to the ER last year with bowel problems from starting to develop an eating disorder because he is involved in one of the stupidest sports ever invented.

And then I like this- almost everyone in my office smokes, minus me and 2 quitters, and now everyone is on their umpteenth time trying to quit and they have those E-cigs and they'll actually smoke them in the office. One girl was even standing up at the front desk the other day trying to smoke it discreetly. I felt like saying, are you fucking kidding me? It would be one thing if it was just a regular day with no patients, but we had a waiting room full of patients.

I guess maybe I am too harsh, but I really have no sympathy for smokers. It's not like these people were raised in the prehistoric time when no one knew it was bad for you. It's been known for plenty of years how bad smoking is. And everyone else who doesn't smoke.

The party ended up going pretty well last night. And as expected it took forever to clean up after, although we at least got home a little after 11. Also, I feel really crappy from all of the food (e.g. desserts) I ate. And I didn't sleep too well and woke up quite a few times feeling hot, which I would either contribute to getting close to period time or from the overabundance of carbs or both.

My nephew's birthday party is next weekend and I found out last night my BIL has a band gig that night. So he probably won't even be around to help clean up. Isn't that nice of him?

Every time I feel like I just got over my period, it already feels like it's time for it again. It doesn't help that I start to experience PMS symptoms a good 2 weeks beforehand. And boy, have I been super bitchy lately. Everything is annoying me, everyone is annoying me, I am annoying me.

And I know I have said things before, but I really don't understand what has happened to ONTD since I started reading it. What are these people that members are stanning for nowadays? Is everyone a 15 year old girl on there now? And there is one member- won't mention any names, but I'll just say they make A LOT of posts- I can't believe a person actually exists in the world that stans for so many terrible people. Every time I see one of his posts, my brain wants to short out from the terribleness of it all. And the constant complaining of white people is just yawn-inducing now. We GET it- you all hate white people. And I am sure most of you are white people yourselves. And don't stand there and complain about how much you hate all white people and we're all the devil and then have fucking Britney Spears as your icon.

I saw an article in the paper last week about a car accident and it said the conditions of the driver weren't released at that time. I generally tend to see that in the news a lot, except for that story back in October. Why couldn't that have been one of those times? Oh no. I still don't understand how the news even found that out, how they even definitely knew that the person was definitely paralyzed (wouldn't it be a little too early to make that call?), or why that kind of information was even released in the first time. All I know is every time I think of it, I get very agitated. The whole thing with That Thing just agitates me, mostly because I don't understand it. And it's not even something I can blame on when my mental issues started getting bad, because if I really think about it, it is clearly something that has deep roots very far back into my childhood. All I know is every time I think of it, I want to pick up a gun and blow my brains out.

Good lord, I don't post for almost a week and then I write a fucking novel.

Random Thoughts

I am still listening to Christmas music. I am a sad piece of work.

The past 3 mornings I have woken up feeling warm. This morning was the worst. And when I finally got out of bed several hours later, I exercised as usual and I was pretty sweaty. Stayed feeling kind of warm, yet chilled for a few hours. And then I felt really chilled the rest of the day. I wish I could explain the feeling warm yet chilled feeling. It's really difficult to explain, though, except to look at this way- when you're hot, you might take layers off or put a fan on or go outside into the cold weather. But I don't want to do that, because I am feeling chilled at the same. Ugh, that's still not a good way to explain it. All I know is I feel like my body temperature regulation is completely out of whack and can't seem to keep me comfortable.

Earlier I decided to take a look down below at things (why, I don't know) and it was that dark red almost purplish color on the inner part and really white on the outer part. I don't understand why in the second half of my cycle, my vaginal area does that. It's really scary looking. It's something I definitely have to remember to bring up when I go to the doctor.

I don't know if it's the start of PMS or what, but I have been one nasty bitch for the past couple of days. I came home on Friday with such a stick up my ass and was snapping out on everyone and I don't even know why. I was kind of cranky yesterday, but was more emotional than anything. I have been in a pissy mood all day today. And very depressed. Maybe it's all due the fact that I haven't been sleeping well because I dread going to bed that I am going to wake up feeling warm or worse, having an actual full-blown night sweat episode where I wake up drenched in sweat.

Ugh I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Back to a full week of work. No more holidays until May. It's going to be brutal.

And everything is so damn dark and depressing. Our lights are off, most of the houses on my street have their lights off and/or decorations down. I can't stand it. It's rained the whole weekend. Today was above 60 degrees and then tomorrow it's going to plummet into the 30's and later in the week it's going to be in the 20's. No wonder I feel like crap. What the fuck, Mother Nature?

And one more thing- I love that commercial for The Eric Andre Show on Adult Swim where a whole bunch of guys dressed alike (a character, I assume- I have never watched the show) are running up the street screaming and then one guy is running behind them with a microphone. I laugh every time I see it. I think there used to be an extended one where they were all beating the crap out of someone at the end, but I don't see that one anymore. Or I imagined it.

Random Thoughts

I have had a pulling pain right above the bikini line on the left side for the past few hours, right about where an ovary sits on a diagram, along with cramping across the lower abdomen and lower back. It's starting to get really annoying. This pain and cramping all throughout the month, every month, is starting to get to be really annoying.

All of these women problems are starting to get tiring. This whole thing of worrying I am going through perimenopause is beyond tiring.

I finally slept a little better last night. Didn't have any episodes of waking up warm. Hopefully tonight will be good, too. Early Monday morning I did end up waking up feeling warm, though. I almost wonder if the feelings of being warm had anything to do with all of the bad eating I had been doing and fluid retention. Who knows? All I know is I am so tired of eating bad!

So I did end up with a market cake on Monday. I was not happy. Not that I don't appreciate getting a cake, but why am I the only one who never gets a bakery cake? Oh, and I didn't get a card, either. And then I had to laugh- there was a little less than half the cake left and my boss is all oh you can take it home to your family and then cuts herself a second huge slice, leaving me with slightly more than a quarter of a cake. I was appalled. Like that little bit of cake was going to be enough for several people. And like she needed that second slice.

And then to top it off, she bought me a pack of cheesecake slices because she knows I like it. It was a really nice gesture, don't get me wrong, but for someone who knows I am really restrictive with eating, seeing as how she has to make a reference to it nearly every time we have food in that damn place, she should have just saved her money. Not that it won't get eaten.

Every time people make reference to my eating habits, I want to kick the wall. I already know it's disordered and feel shitty about it; I don't need the extra attention brought to it.

And speaking of feeling shitty, for the past couple of New Year's Eves, it was just my parents and me. And we figured this year would be the same, so we decided we would go to Red Robin for dinner so I can score my free birthday burger. And apparently my sister wanted to go to dinner with us this year. Except she hates Red Robin. My parents sound like they are still set on going to Red Robin and now I feel like shit. Why does everything always have to make me feel like shit?

And continuing on in feeling shitty, I don't want the holiday season to end this week. Maybe, just maybe, one of these holiday seasons I will actually feel happy.

Random Thoughts

What was with this weekend and fights breaking out in food courts? I have heard of at least 3 malls where that occurred. Is this something new?

I can't believe a week ago I was fretting over not having my shopping done and I had to drag my mother out on Sunday night to get the last 2 things I needed and now Christmas is over. What the hell? The last 4 months of the year are strange- you have the excitement of fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas pushes its way in somewhere in that point and it's all up in your face for weeks and then BAM it's gone. And then it's months of cold dark dreariness. It's so damn depressing. Especially when one by one all of the decorations start coming down and everything is bare and depressing. I never understand people who rush to take their decorations down. Then again, if I lived on my own, I'd probably be one of those people who would be getting notices a month or more after Christmas telling me I need to take my decorations down.

And I miss the Christmas music. I wish maybe just until New Years, the stations would continue to play it. Maybe just not all of the time like before Christmas. Thank God for my Christmas music playlist and the Music Choice Sounds of the Season station. Some stores are still playing it as well. I was in Acme earlier and heard 2 Christmas songs mixed in with regular songs, one of which was "The Walker" by Fitz and the Tantrums. I thought that was pretty awesome.

Woke up this morning feeling warm and sweaty again. I wish I could explain well what I experience. When you read up on night sweats, it sounds like people wake up soaked. I don't have that problem. I just feel warm and a little sweaty, but I also have this weird mild chilled feeling while feeling warm as well. Like I can't just kick off the covers because if I do so, I'll get even colder. It's almost like some parts of my body are warm and some are chilled. To say that I am starting to get really scared and freaked out is an understatement. I also started fretting over the fact that my period has come 35 days the past 2 months and then a whole other host of things crammed their way in and I didn't fall back asleep for awhile. My body temperature is feeling kind of weird right now (kind of warm, but feeling kind of cold) and I am starting to feel really anxious.

I am also obsessed with looking at the area behind my crown. I can't tell if it's swollen and I am worried that food got stuck in it and is going to cause an infection. IT NEVER STOPS.

I have been so damn depressed lately. And something that has been plaguing me is I keep thinking, will everyone be around for the next Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc? And the thought of everyone not being around is so unbearable I want to start screaming and never stop. And thoughts of horrible things happening to my loved ones keep plaguing my mind and sometimes it gets so bad I just want to start banging my head against the wall to make it stop. And people wonder why I don't want to be a mother? I'd end up in the hospital because my nerves would be completely shot worrying about the kid, although look at all of the being over-protective and worrying the mother of my friend who died in the car accident did and look at where that got her.

Oh, and I am beyond tired of feeling bad and guilty about EVERYTHING. I swear, if I knew it would be a positive experience and I wouldn't have a massive bill afterwards, I would admit myself to the hospital, although I have no specific plans to hurt myself so they might not even take me. But I doubt that I would ever do that again, although I have to say I am a hell of a lot less patient and a hell of a lot more on edge, irritable and cranky than when I was previously there, so I doubt very much I would allow any of the techs to talk to me the way I allowed them to before.

I am dreading going back to work tomorrow, although 1) I don't have to do my usual job tomorrow and 2) my boss won't be in until later in the day. I am dreading being sang to, though. And I am dreading what kind of cake I am going to be receiving. I'm an idiot- I should have just explicitly said what I wanted. This is why I never get anywhere in life- because even as something as simple as saying what kind of cake I like I can't even bring myself to stand up and say what I want.

And I am also not looking forward to New Years.

Why

So since Tuesday I have been having the lousy brown spotting. Woke up this morning around 9:30AM feeling an odd combination of warm and cold. Eventually fell back asleep. Woke up past 11:30AM and when I went into the bathroom I had more brown spotting and a little while later, I had a lot of dark blood, almost like my period. Which I just got 2 weeks ago exactly. I don't know if it's still just spotting or if it's my actual period again. I am nauseous as hell. I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me. And I am freaking the fuck out.

This just had to happen on Christmas, didn't it?

Oh well, Merry Christmas everyone.

9:36PM: Good god, I have no self-control. I have eaten so damn much food today. And normally on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I will exercise 45 minutes instead of my normal 30, but this year I said what the hell, I'll just add another day of 30 minutes instead. Except now I am afraid to due to the bleeding I had earlier. It seems to have stopped for now, but I am not letting my guard down. I don't know what to do come tomorrow. I'll feel guilty if I don't exercise, but if I start bleeding again, then I'll get upset all over again.

I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. Ugh. Any employer who makes their employees go back to work the day after Christmas should be struck down by lightening. And if my FWA posts one more goddamn picture or video of her brat's first Christmas, I am going to scream. Mostly because she is in EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN ONE.

And speaking of wanting to scream, the post-holiday blues are already starting.