I am actually physically shaking right now thinking about going back to work.
Whenever I move my eyes around I have pain above my right eye so now I am worried I might have gotten a sinus infection. And because I can't leave well enough alone, I had to read up on sinusitis. And the complications that can occur from one.
Someone please shoot me already.
7:25AM: well, it's nice when you're supposed to be resting and taking it easy....and you barely slept the night before going back to work.
Showing posts with label Hypochondria. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hypochondria. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Random Thoughts
Had the Reeses peanut butter cup pie Blizzard last night. It's pretty much worth the 810 calories.
My anxiety levels have been terrible since my last post. Saturday morning, my brain had just woken up, eyes not even open yet, and my heart was already pounding like there was no tomorrow. It is the worst feeling when your heart is pounding and then you start getting anxious, thus making it pound even harder. The minute I climbed out of bed, my heart started to pound even harder. And it had been doing that thing again every so often where it feels like it stops and then starts up with a bang. Getting into a shower really brings it on. It is a very unsettling feeling.
And I had some irritability down below and in my bladder. The irritability ceased a lot during the day so my anxiety levels are down some right now, but give it time- the first sign of it coming back, I'll be right back to being an anxious mess.
I was upset about it on Friday and of course the first thing I get from everyone is "you need to get help and go on medicine". No shit, Sherlock. I know I need help, for fuck's sake. But I don't want to go on medicine. My family acts like I have never been on medicine. But I have! And despite no one believing me, I will go to my grave swearing that medicine (Effexor) is exactly what put me in the position I am in now. I wasn't exactly in a great spot before I went off of it, but going off it made everything a million times worse. And I hate to sound so shallow but I am not going to lie- I don't want to go on medicine because I don't want to gain weight.
And then my mom says something like I know it's my anxiety so why do I get so upset. I said because I can't shake the feeling that it may not be. I don't understand what is so hard to comprehend about these things. When I go through these bouts of worrying I have some disease or something, whether it's only my anxiety or not, I am still not going to be able to shake it off that that is all it is. THAT IS WHY I AM SO ANXIOUS.
And like the other times, when I go through these things, all I want is an answer. And I start contemplating going to the ER to get one, even though I know I'll go and all I get from the doctors is LOL ANXIETY. Just like everyone else tells me. And I am starting to worry that one of these days all my crying wolf and no one listening to me is going to bite me in the ass and I'll end up croaking. And then I'll laugh because nobody listened to me. Wherever I end up.
I also wonder a lot of times if I am really experiencing these symptoms or if they are possibly a figment of my anxiety. Is my anxiety so bad that it has me believing I am experiencing these symptoms when I really am not? That is unsettling. Extremely unsettling.
I was at Wal-Fart earlier and I was looking at ovulation tests. I was going to buy one but then I started to think, what if I buy one and it never shows I am ovulating? Then I'll lose it. I am still kind of wishing I bought one anyway. I am only on day 12 of my cycle, but maybe I might buy one over the next few days. Like I said before, I can usually physically tell when I am, but I think I may feel a little better if I have confirmation that I am, even though the tests may not always be accurate. I can't stand this every month worrying that it's going to come early or not at all. Every time I go into the bathroom, I dread that I am going to be bleeding unless I am expecting my period. It's sad how obsessed I have become with my menstrual cycle.
And to top off my anxiety, there is call for bad weather this upcoming week. The other day, TOR:CON was at 4 for Tuesday. It's since been downgraded to a 2-3, but still. What will it actually be on Tuesday? And Monday sounds like it's going to be stormy as well. I think TOR:CON is the same and so far the SPC has the risk for severe weather at slight for Monday. Whether either will change, I won't know until Monday. I am praying neither does, though, unless the severe risk changes from slight to nothing and TOR:CON is downgraded. Ugh, I am going to be such a wreck the next few days. Fucking Typhoon Neoguri wreaking havoc on everything.
Don't know if I have to get up early or not on Sunday so I guess I should head off to bed. My nerves are already in a frenzy that I am not going to sleep and/or wake up at some point with irritability. It never fucking stops ever.
My anxiety levels have been terrible since my last post. Saturday morning, my brain had just woken up, eyes not even open yet, and my heart was already pounding like there was no tomorrow. It is the worst feeling when your heart is pounding and then you start getting anxious, thus making it pound even harder. The minute I climbed out of bed, my heart started to pound even harder. And it had been doing that thing again every so often where it feels like it stops and then starts up with a bang. Getting into a shower really brings it on. It is a very unsettling feeling.
And I had some irritability down below and in my bladder. The irritability ceased a lot during the day so my anxiety levels are down some right now, but give it time- the first sign of it coming back, I'll be right back to being an anxious mess.
I was upset about it on Friday and of course the first thing I get from everyone is "you need to get help and go on medicine". No shit, Sherlock. I know I need help, for fuck's sake. But I don't want to go on medicine. My family acts like I have never been on medicine. But I have! And despite no one believing me, I will go to my grave swearing that medicine (Effexor) is exactly what put me in the position I am in now. I wasn't exactly in a great spot before I went off of it, but going off it made everything a million times worse. And I hate to sound so shallow but I am not going to lie- I don't want to go on medicine because I don't want to gain weight.
And then my mom says something like I know it's my anxiety so why do I get so upset. I said because I can't shake the feeling that it may not be. I don't understand what is so hard to comprehend about these things. When I go through these bouts of worrying I have some disease or something, whether it's only my anxiety or not, I am still not going to be able to shake it off that that is all it is. THAT IS WHY I AM SO ANXIOUS.
And like the other times, when I go through these things, all I want is an answer. And I start contemplating going to the ER to get one, even though I know I'll go and all I get from the doctors is LOL ANXIETY. Just like everyone else tells me. And I am starting to worry that one of these days all my crying wolf and no one listening to me is going to bite me in the ass and I'll end up croaking. And then I'll laugh because nobody listened to me. Wherever I end up.
I also wonder a lot of times if I am really experiencing these symptoms or if they are possibly a figment of my anxiety. Is my anxiety so bad that it has me believing I am experiencing these symptoms when I really am not? That is unsettling. Extremely unsettling.
I was at Wal-Fart earlier and I was looking at ovulation tests. I was going to buy one but then I started to think, what if I buy one and it never shows I am ovulating? Then I'll lose it. I am still kind of wishing I bought one anyway. I am only on day 12 of my cycle, but maybe I might buy one over the next few days. Like I said before, I can usually physically tell when I am, but I think I may feel a little better if I have confirmation that I am, even though the tests may not always be accurate. I can't stand this every month worrying that it's going to come early or not at all. Every time I go into the bathroom, I dread that I am going to be bleeding unless I am expecting my period. It's sad how obsessed I have become with my menstrual cycle.
And to top off my anxiety, there is call for bad weather this upcoming week. The other day, TOR:CON was at 4 for Tuesday. It's since been downgraded to a 2-3, but still. What will it actually be on Tuesday? And Monday sounds like it's going to be stormy as well. I think TOR:CON is the same and so far the SPC has the risk for severe weather at slight for Monday. Whether either will change, I won't know until Monday. I am praying neither does, though, unless the severe risk changes from slight to nothing and TOR:CON is downgraded. Ugh, I am going to be such a wreck the next few days. Fucking Typhoon Neoguri wreaking havoc on everything.
Don't know if I have to get up early or not on Sunday so I guess I should head off to bed. My nerves are already in a frenzy that I am not going to sleep and/or wake up at some point with irritability. It never fucking stops ever.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Random Thoughts
I used to always watch Spongebob in the morning before I left for work. Then a couple weeks ago, Nick started playing The Fairly Oddparents at 7 and Spongebob at 7:30. This week they decided to stop playing both. So I had to find something new to watch. And what did I find on Monday? The Three Stooges. I was ecstatic. And during the commercial break, a commercial for Cadillac came on and I could not put my finger on what song was playing. I kept running the lyrics over and over in my head and then it finally clicked- it was some dancey version of "Gold" by Sir Sly.
I don't listen to that song nearly enough.
I was hoping that once my period came on and then ended that the fear of premature menopause would go on the back burner. Not the case. My anxiety levels are through the fucking roof over it. I have been feeling uncomfortable down below and having some bladder pressure off and on through the day and all I can think is it's atrophic vaginitis. Every time I am hot- hot flashes (although today my anxiety was so bad I was so cold I was almost shaking). Feeling depressed, anxious, irritable, having mood swings, dry eyes, acne, bloating, insomnia- all signs. I dread going to bed every night that I am not going to sleep. I am also beyond exhausted from the stress. Emotionally I just can't even fucking take it anymore. I don't know how my body is physically taking it. I was so worried about my adrenal glands for the longest time; I am surprised they haven't exploded from all of the stress I put on them from stressing out so much.
And not having anything to check is stressing me out even more. Every so often I pull the mirror down off of the wall to take a look down below, but I don't even have any idea what to look for. Or sometimes I might feel around for any dryness (don't know if you can actually feel that or not). I am half tempted to buy an ovulation test to see if I am ovulating around the time I generally see signs of it. I am so anxious that I am going to start bleeding any day or that my period won't come when it's supposed to. Or what is going to be in store for my next round of PMS. And I am so desperate to get an answer and I don't know where to go to get that answer because as usual, it can never be something that is easily diagnosed or ruled out.
I don't listen to that song nearly enough.
I was hoping that once my period came on and then ended that the fear of premature menopause would go on the back burner. Not the case. My anxiety levels are through the fucking roof over it. I have been feeling uncomfortable down below and having some bladder pressure off and on through the day and all I can think is it's atrophic vaginitis. Every time I am hot- hot flashes (although today my anxiety was so bad I was so cold I was almost shaking). Feeling depressed, anxious, irritable, having mood swings, dry eyes, acne, bloating, insomnia- all signs. I dread going to bed every night that I am not going to sleep. I am also beyond exhausted from the stress. Emotionally I just can't even fucking take it anymore. I don't know how my body is physically taking it. I was so worried about my adrenal glands for the longest time; I am surprised they haven't exploded from all of the stress I put on them from stressing out so much.
And not having anything to check is stressing me out even more. Every so often I pull the mirror down off of the wall to take a look down below, but I don't even have any idea what to look for. Or sometimes I might feel around for any dryness (don't know if you can actually feel that or not). I am half tempted to buy an ovulation test to see if I am ovulating around the time I generally see signs of it. I am so anxious that I am going to start bleeding any day or that my period won't come when it's supposed to. Or what is going to be in store for my next round of PMS. And I am so desperate to get an answer and I don't know where to go to get that answer because as usual, it can never be something that is easily diagnosed or ruled out.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Article Of The Day
Stop Diagnosing My Daughter For Being Introverted
This is an excellent article. It makes me wonder if I had been born later in life and not at a time where not every little oddity in a child had to be labeled with some kind of a disorder, what would doctors attempt to diag-nonsense me with?
Of course a whole flock of stick up the ass mombies had to rush in and criticize the article. Of course. Especially that "melena gasper" commenter. I am kind of playing the world's smallest violin for you? What a condescending bitch. She must be one of those people who screams OMG THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THE WORLD WHO HAVE CANCER if you tell her something like you have terminal cancer. She also must be one of those people who you have to watch every little thing you say to her or she'll scream OMG I AM OFFENDED. Chances are anything you will say will offend her anyway so no point in watching what you say. My God, I am sure the author of the article meant nothing by saying about her dealing with her autistic kids. JFC, pull the stick out of your ass and sit the hell down. Forever.
Going back to the introvert thing, sure I might be an extreme introvert with horrible social skills now, but rest assured with all of the texting and computer stuff going on, the future of America is going to have god awful social skills. So, normalcy, here I come!
And completely off topic, I think my period is finally here. And I am really hot right now so no, my anxiety is not gone. Also, I am still going to be worried how long my period is going to last- is it going to be shorter than usual? Is my flow going to be lighter or heavier than usual? And then it will end and the whole cycle will start over again of worrying that I will bleed at ovulation time or that it will come earlier. Oh and now I am going to have to worry that I will have symptoms like I did this time. And with premature menopause there are really no compulsions for me to do. With Addison's, it was checking my skin and taking my blood pressure several times a day. There really is nothing to do with premature menopause except watch my cycle.
And in the grand tradition of things, it's not something that can easily be ruled out. Nothing you can just go get a blood test any time for.
I can't fucking take it anymore. It's time like this I honestly wish I would stop being such a chicken shit and throw in the towel on this whole life thing because I am so over it.
11:45PM: Now I am barely having any bleeding. I am about to lose my fucking mind. Is it just taking its time coming on? Is this the flow this month? I don't know and that is driving me crazy. I wish it would just come on fully. If it does at all.
This is an excellent article. It makes me wonder if I had been born later in life and not at a time where not every little oddity in a child had to be labeled with some kind of a disorder, what would doctors attempt to diag-nonsense me with?
Of course a whole flock of stick up the ass mombies had to rush in and criticize the article. Of course. Especially that "melena gasper" commenter. I am kind of playing the world's smallest violin for you? What a condescending bitch. She must be one of those people who screams OMG THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THE WORLD WHO HAVE CANCER if you tell her something like you have terminal cancer. She also must be one of those people who you have to watch every little thing you say to her or she'll scream OMG I AM OFFENDED. Chances are anything you will say will offend her anyway so no point in watching what you say. My God, I am sure the author of the article meant nothing by saying about her dealing with her autistic kids. JFC, pull the stick out of your ass and sit the hell down. Forever.
Going back to the introvert thing, sure I might be an extreme introvert with horrible social skills now, but rest assured with all of the texting and computer stuff going on, the future of America is going to have god awful social skills. So, normalcy, here I come!
And completely off topic, I think my period is finally here. And I am really hot right now so no, my anxiety is not gone. Also, I am still going to be worried how long my period is going to last- is it going to be shorter than usual? Is my flow going to be lighter or heavier than usual? And then it will end and the whole cycle will start over again of worrying that I will bleed at ovulation time or that it will come earlier. Oh and now I am going to have to worry that I will have symptoms like I did this time. And with premature menopause there are really no compulsions for me to do. With Addison's, it was checking my skin and taking my blood pressure several times a day. There really is nothing to do with premature menopause except watch my cycle.
And in the grand tradition of things, it's not something that can easily be ruled out. Nothing you can just go get a blood test any time for.
I can't fucking take it anymore. It's time like this I honestly wish I would stop being such a chicken shit and throw in the towel on this whole life thing because I am so over it.
11:45PM: Now I am barely having any bleeding. I am about to lose my fucking mind. Is it just taking its time coming on? Is this the flow this month? I don't know and that is driving me crazy. I wish it would just come on fully. If it does at all.
Ugh
I have been up since 4AM. I am EXHAUSTED beyond belief. I have no idea how I am going to get through today, although somehow I managed last Monday. But I had 45 extra minutes of sleep last week. I was hot, cold, hot, cold, etc. My head wouldn't stop with premature menopause thoughts. I am nauseous. When I finally decided to get out of bed, I couldn't stop crying and when I went in the bathroom to get done, I had some blood. I started to cry even harder (mostly of relief). Now let's hope this is actually my period.
Also, the radio sucked this morning so I turned my iPod on and "Something's Always Wrong" popped up second on shuffle. That started the waterworks all over again.
Also, the radio sucked this morning so I turned my iPod on and "Something's Always Wrong" popped up second on shuffle. That started the waterworks all over again.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
FML
Well the good news is Friday was not a bad day!
I am having intense cramping right now. I have had it all day, as well as feeling irritated down below and bladder pressure, but over the past few hours it has worsened. And that same sharp pain is on the right lower back and radiating to the front. I hope this is not a sign of what my cramps are going to be like. I am fretting about it coming early but I am also starting to worry that it will not come. FUCK I AM SO DONE WITH THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!
ETA 10:33PM: Well, it looks like it may possibly be coming, except it's doing that weird ass thing that it has been doing lately where I spot sporadically for a day and then it comes on with a vengeance. But I am still not going to rest until it fully comes on. I just hope to God I don't have the cramps from hell after having some pretty intense cramping this entire week. Especially last night and before I went to bed. I felt like my insides were on fire.
And earlier I ran to DQ and as I was leaving the mall, my right foot was bothering me. I swear to God, if a fear of a stress fracture comes back, I am going to fucking blow my brains out. Between getting anxious about eating for fear of having tooth pain, fear of getting an infected tooth, fear of going through early menopause ON TOP of the hundreds of other things I worry about and now having both sides of my jaw cracking and popping, I don't need any goddamn new fears!
Also, both MGMT and Imagine Dragons performed at Glastonbury tonight.
I am having intense cramping right now. I have had it all day, as well as feeling irritated down below and bladder pressure, but over the past few hours it has worsened. And that same sharp pain is on the right lower back and radiating to the front. I hope this is not a sign of what my cramps are going to be like. I am fretting about it coming early but I am also starting to worry that it will not come. FUCK I AM SO DONE WITH THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!
ETA 10:33PM: Well, it looks like it may possibly be coming, except it's doing that weird ass thing that it has been doing lately where I spot sporadically for a day and then it comes on with a vengeance. But I am still not going to rest until it fully comes on. I just hope to God I don't have the cramps from hell after having some pretty intense cramping this entire week. Especially last night and before I went to bed. I felt like my insides were on fire.
And earlier I ran to DQ and as I was leaving the mall, my right foot was bothering me. I swear to God, if a fear of a stress fracture comes back, I am going to fucking blow my brains out. Between getting anxious about eating for fear of having tooth pain, fear of getting an infected tooth, fear of going through early menopause ON TOP of the hundreds of other things I worry about and now having both sides of my jaw cracking and popping, I don't need any goddamn new fears!
Also, both MGMT and Imagine Dragons performed at Glastonbury tonight.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Ugh
I love going to bed on Sunday night.
I also love trying to go to bed on a Sunday night while having a mind that will not stop obsessing that my period will come early, premature menopause, this damn crown. JUST STOP!
7:21AM: I have been up since 4:45AM. I am fucking exhausted. I have no idea how I am even going to get through the day without collapsing from exhaust. Or how I will even be able to concentrate when my head will not stop running. And do you know why I have been up since then? Because I cannot get the idea of early menopause out of my head. This is like déjà vu all over again, déjà vu of the morning of 10/3/11. It was pretty much the same scenario- up super early, cannot fall back asleep because head will not stop running, etc, except then it was Addison's disease.
6:26PM: Well somehow I made it through the day. I don't know how I made it, although coffee and then lunch helped some. I just want to cry. My anxiety is so bad right now. This damn fear went away, I don't understand why it had to come back or even what brought it back.
I also love trying to go to bed on a Sunday night while having a mind that will not stop obsessing that my period will come early, premature menopause, this damn crown. JUST STOP!
7:21AM: I have been up since 4:45AM. I am fucking exhausted. I have no idea how I am even going to get through the day without collapsing from exhaust. Or how I will even be able to concentrate when my head will not stop running. And do you know why I have been up since then? Because I cannot get the idea of early menopause out of my head. This is like déjà vu all over again, déjà vu of the morning of 10/3/11. It was pretty much the same scenario- up super early, cannot fall back asleep because head will not stop running, etc, except then it was Addison's disease.
6:26PM: Well somehow I made it through the day. I don't know how I made it, although coffee and then lunch helped some. I just want to cry. My anxiety is so bad right now. This damn fear went away, I don't understand why it had to come back or even what brought it back.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Random Thoughts
When you want to punch every single one of your coworkers in the face, it's time for a vacation.
I don't understand this bullshit of me being the only person who has to sit up front when my FWA goes to lunch. It's really starting to piss me the hell off. When one of my other coworkers is in the office, there is no reason she can't sit up front as well. Especially days we have patients. She is a medical assistant, she knows what to do more than I do. I am not an MA! And I told my manager flat out when I was offered an MA position that I don't like people enough to want to deal with patients, in addition to not being able to do that kind of intense long distance traveling.
And then my FWA returned almost 15 minutes later from lunch today. I had to deal with one patient and a copy machine technician while she was gone, which was 2 people too many that I wanted to deal with. The patient was nice (and cute), but the copy machine guy was not very friendly. And when my FWA came strolling in mumbling some bullshit excuse of why she was late, I just got up and walked away from her. I was not in the mood to listen to her bullshit.
And I am so tired of my manager's bullshit and the shit she allows people to get away with. I have never met a manager that is such a poor excuse for a manager like her. Especially the shit she allows my FWA to get away. I don't care how "great" of a worker my manager thinks she is, she is still not abiding by corporate policy. And the fact that she has been spoken to multiple times about her constant tardiness and she still continues to do it....she is such an arrogant defiant bitch.
I like my job in itself, minus the being told to do one thing one day and then another the next, or one person tells me to do one thing and another tells me to do another thing. And minus the atrocious doctor writing (handwritten and transcribed!). And it feeds into my medical topic obsession. Not always things I particularly am looking to learn about, but it generally ends up being interesting. The job has certainly given me a taste to want to learn all things musculoskeletal.
But yeah, I don't mind my job too much. It's just the people I work with. I swear, if I could transfer to our sister company, I think I would seriously consider it. And I would love to know if everyone is as bad there as my manager and coworkers make them out to be.
These goddamn obsessions with my teeth and early menopause are getting on my last nerve. I get anxious and sick to my stomach every time I have to eat, for fear it is going to hurt. My head hurts from not chewing right. My breasts felt sore earlier so I immediately started to panic that my period is going to come early. IT. NEVER. STOPS.
That one MGMT Tartlr page I visit, the girl was creepily obsessed with Andrew's ex and even after finding out they broke up, she defended her and complained about people bad-mouthing her. That lasted maybe a couple weeks. I haven't seen one mention of her since then. Can't say I am really surprised.
My mom was in the car with me yesterday and I put the Imagine Dragons CD on again and learned that in addition to not only knowing "Radioactive", she really likes it. I still really love it as well. Listening to that loud ass drum banging in the background.....I've got it blasting so loud in my earphones right now I am waiting for blood to start shooting out of my ears.
I don't understand this bullshit of me being the only person who has to sit up front when my FWA goes to lunch. It's really starting to piss me the hell off. When one of my other coworkers is in the office, there is no reason she can't sit up front as well. Especially days we have patients. She is a medical assistant, she knows what to do more than I do. I am not an MA! And I told my manager flat out when I was offered an MA position that I don't like people enough to want to deal with patients, in addition to not being able to do that kind of intense long distance traveling.
And then my FWA returned almost 15 minutes later from lunch today. I had to deal with one patient and a copy machine technician while she was gone, which was 2 people too many that I wanted to deal with. The patient was nice (and cute), but the copy machine guy was not very friendly. And when my FWA came strolling in mumbling some bullshit excuse of why she was late, I just got up and walked away from her. I was not in the mood to listen to her bullshit.
And I am so tired of my manager's bullshit and the shit she allows people to get away with. I have never met a manager that is such a poor excuse for a manager like her. Especially the shit she allows my FWA to get away. I don't care how "great" of a worker my manager thinks she is, she is still not abiding by corporate policy. And the fact that she has been spoken to multiple times about her constant tardiness and she still continues to do it....she is such an arrogant defiant bitch.
I like my job in itself, minus the being told to do one thing one day and then another the next, or one person tells me to do one thing and another tells me to do another thing. And minus the atrocious doctor writing (handwritten and transcribed!). And it feeds into my medical topic obsession. Not always things I particularly am looking to learn about, but it generally ends up being interesting. The job has certainly given me a taste to want to learn all things musculoskeletal.
But yeah, I don't mind my job too much. It's just the people I work with. I swear, if I could transfer to our sister company, I think I would seriously consider it. And I would love to know if everyone is as bad there as my manager and coworkers make them out to be.
These goddamn obsessions with my teeth and early menopause are getting on my last nerve. I get anxious and sick to my stomach every time I have to eat, for fear it is going to hurt. My head hurts from not chewing right. My breasts felt sore earlier so I immediately started to panic that my period is going to come early. IT. NEVER. STOPS.
That one MGMT Tartlr page I visit, the girl was creepily obsessed with Andrew's ex and even after finding out they broke up, she defended her and complained about people bad-mouthing her. That lasted maybe a couple weeks. I haven't seen one mention of her since then. Can't say I am really surprised.
My mom was in the car with me yesterday and I put the Imagine Dragons CD on again and learned that in addition to not only knowing "Radioactive", she really likes it. I still really love it as well. Listening to that loud ass drum banging in the background.....I've got it blasting so loud in my earphones right now I am waiting for blood to start shooting out of my ears.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Random Thoughts
Thanks to the bleeding that started yesterday I am back to worrying that I am going through early menopause. I have been stressing over it so bad all day that I am physically exhausted from it. Between that, my mood swings, my digestive system issues, itchy skin spots, and my body temperature feeling all out of whack, I am almost pretty convinced that it's very possible. And having to keep it all bottled up is only adding more unnecessary stress, because as we all know from past experience, admitting to my disease/disorder fears never ends well.
And today when I was leaving work I did something incredibly stupid. On the other side of the road, the road is curved funny, almost like you're only allowed to turn left or right. And 99% of the time, people make a left hand turn. I make a left hand turn on my side as well. Well, today the light turned green and as I started to turn I realized someone was coming straight and I had to slam on my brakes, coming very close to hitting the person. The lady didn't yell at me or anything but kind of just put her hands up like you want to explain that? I felt like such a fucking idiot. I just wanted to die. Between the early menopause fear, work, and that, I felt like jumping out of my car and running into traffic. I can't believe I did something so stupid.
I wish I could give up driving. I really hate it.
I also really wish I could quit my job. My performance review has really been eating at me. The whole thing about getting emotional and easily overwhelmed especially. And who is my manager to talk about someone else overreacting to things? Ms. flies off the handles about EVERYTHING. I'll at least admit that I overreact to things, because I know damn well I do.
God, this week needs to get over already. I also got an email from my manager today- and me only- asking me if I would be interested in overtime again if it got approved. Of course I am interested in the extra money, but so it begins. Welcome to the world of being the only childfree person in your workplace, Slightly Short of Sane. Now everyone can take advantage of you.
And today when I was leaving work I did something incredibly stupid. On the other side of the road, the road is curved funny, almost like you're only allowed to turn left or right. And 99% of the time, people make a left hand turn. I make a left hand turn on my side as well. Well, today the light turned green and as I started to turn I realized someone was coming straight and I had to slam on my brakes, coming very close to hitting the person. The lady didn't yell at me or anything but kind of just put her hands up like you want to explain that? I felt like such a fucking idiot. I just wanted to die. Between the early menopause fear, work, and that, I felt like jumping out of my car and running into traffic. I can't believe I did something so stupid.
I wish I could give up driving. I really hate it.
I also really wish I could quit my job. My performance review has really been eating at me. The whole thing about getting emotional and easily overwhelmed especially. And who is my manager to talk about someone else overreacting to things? Ms. flies off the handles about EVERYTHING. I'll at least admit that I overreact to things, because I know damn well I do.
God, this week needs to get over already. I also got an email from my manager today- and me only- asking me if I would be interested in overtime again if it got approved. Of course I am interested in the extra money, but so it begins. Welcome to the world of being the only childfree person in your workplace, Slightly Short of Sane. Now everyone can take advantage of you.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Maybe Some Good News?
Whatever this thing is with me worrying about my health all the time, whether it is just still simply part of having OCD or it is undiagnosed hypochondria, I have mentioned before that I will do things to check whether I could possibly have [insert disease of the moment] or not. Like checking my skin and taking my blood pressure repeatedly. I will also read articles over and over again to find things to try and assure myself I do not have it.
I was in the bathroom at work earlier and I started to think about those cysts I have had (don't ask, I tend to think of things in the weirdest places. Like last Sunday I was in the shower and while I was washing my hair, I realized that I completely forgot about trying the California cheesesteak sandwich at the Cheesecake Factory). They form during ovulation and I started to think, well, if I am getting these cysts, is that a sure sign I am ovulating? So I googled it. And found this:
On another note, my perfect cousin with the perfect life posted an article about Victoria's Secret kicking out a woman breast-feeding her spawn and how she is never going to shop there again. Yes, I am sure they will miss your business. It's not like there aren't hordes of Love Pink-wearing college-aged girls and overly tanned bleached blonde middle-aged women (usually the former's mothers) to make up for your woe is me I am so oppressed strike.
I was in the bathroom at work earlier and I started to think about those cysts I have had (don't ask, I tend to think of things in the weirdest places. Like last Sunday I was in the shower and while I was washing my hair, I realized that I completely forgot about trying the California cheesesteak sandwich at the Cheesecake Factory). They form during ovulation and I started to think, well, if I am getting these cysts, is that a sure sign I am ovulating? So I googled it. And found this:
If you do not ovulate, you will not form functional cysts. (from the Cleveland Clinic)So I am definitely ovulating then? I mean, I can tell....but there is still always that doubt.
On another note, my perfect cousin with the perfect life posted an article about Victoria's Secret kicking out a woman breast-feeding her spawn and how she is never going to shop there again. Yes, I am sure they will miss your business. It's not like there aren't hordes of Love Pink-wearing college-aged girls and overly tanned bleached blonde middle-aged women (usually the former's mothers) to make up for your woe is me I am so oppressed strike.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
FTS
The past few days, every time I get a little nervous, I get this mildly warm rush across my upper body that last maybe 20 seconds at the most. All I can think is HOT FLASH and early menopause. Also, I have been unbearably exhausted the past few days despite sleeping great. It could be due to my impending monthly flow, although I am worried sick out of my mind that it isn't going to come and have already started poking and squeezing my breasts to see if they are sore. But I can't even concentrate in work. Or with anything. And my throat has felt sore. Right now I am opening Pandora's box by Googling hypothalamic dysfunction.
I'm never going to learn, am I? If digestive system cancer doesn't get to me first, this undiagnosed hypochondria is going to kill me one day. And by kill, I mean suicide.
The good thing is, I am going to the doctor's in two weeks so I can finally get some long overdue blood work. And watch, it will be like every other visit- I'll think of all of this shit I want to talk about and the minute the doctor walks in the room, I will get all self-conscious and nervous and everything I want to talk about suddenly seems too stupid to talk about. EVERY DAMN TIME.
I'm never going to learn, am I? If digestive system cancer doesn't get to me first, this undiagnosed hypochondria is going to kill me one day. And by kill, I mean suicide.
The good thing is, I am going to the doctor's in two weeks so I can finally get some long overdue blood work. And watch, it will be like every other visit- I'll think of all of this shit I want to talk about and the minute the doctor walks in the room, I will get all self-conscious and nervous and everything I want to talk about suddenly seems too stupid to talk about. EVERY DAMN TIME.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Random Thoughts
I was getting ready for bed last night so when I got off of the computer I could hop right into bed and "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)" by John Lennon came on the radio. I swear, that song gets me every time. And while I was listening to it, I thought about the Sandy Hook shooting and don't ask me why like a year later this is finally occurring to me, but I thought, JFC these people lost their babies right before Christmas. Ugh, I am super hormonal right now.
When I was driving to work Friday morning, "Alien Days" came on my shuffle mix. And I thought about that ignorant bitch that blocked my view during the show and I started to feel really angry and was gripping my steering wheel and all I kept thinking about was how much I missed and how I wish I had had the balls to say something. It's such a pain not having a backbone.
And speaking of the concert, my mother (yes she was my guest to the show again) was talking about it a lot the following day. And she was telling my brother-in-law, who plays the drums, about it and then she said something about if he had been there and something went wrong with the drummer, then they could have pulled him up to play the drums. I laughed silently, then said "nah, they would have just had someone else in the band play them, since they all play several instruments". I wasn't trying to be obnoxious or anything, but it's the truth. Andrew can play them and I think James actually used to be their drummer before Will joined. Or Will was their drummer originally, then left, then rejoined, I don't know I can't remember the story. Wikipedia has him listed as 2005, then 2008 to present. But it's Wikipedia, so take what you want from that. Then again, he was in the video for "Destrokk", so maybe it's right.
I don't think I have ever mentioned it before, by Andrew's fingers freak me the fuck out. They're so so long and bony and....finger-gy. I bet his pinkies are the length of my middle fingers. Don't get me wrong, I'd let those fingers do all kinds of things to me. They'd certainly hold my boobs well, although with the length of those digits, one hand could probably hold them both. But still.
*sniffs* He's so pretty in that picture. And Will needs to keep his hair the way it is because....damn.
I don't understand why every I make any mention of having hypochondria, people are like oh well I do that! (meaning they diagnose themselves with stuff, etc). Do tell- does that self-diagnosis instill such a fear in you that it interferes with your whole life? You can't concentrate for anything because you are so preoccupied with fearing you have this illness? Spending the whole day doing things to convince yourself you don't have it? Yeah. Read anywhere from October 2011 on in here. Or better yet, click on the "Addison's Disease" tag. Sorry, not one part of any of that is a normal fear of disease or having an illness.
I got on the scale today and was really surprised to see it settle at 119 pounds. I have not been doing anything to lose weight. And you would think I'd be happy, since I have the horrible mindset that I can always be thinner, but already I am starting to worry about it. It may just be because I am more active since becoming employed again. An office job isn't extremely active, but I do try and do as much walking as possible. And some days I do a lot of walking back and forth. But already I am tempted to google "unintentional weight loss", which will lead to nothing good.
I was in JC Penney's last week and I needed to buy dress pants, so while I was in the dressing room, I stopped for a second to analyze my body. I thought about how people strive for a thigh gap and although I don't care if I have one or not, I did notice that I do have a bit of one. I think if I had less loose skin on my legs, there would be a more prominent one. I don't understand why a thigh gap is something to strive for, but whatever. I also looked at higher up on my thighs and was disgusted. Again, if I didn't have loose skin, my thighs would look a hell of a lot thinner.
Ugh, reading through the above paragraph sounds like some 15 year old girl on Tumblr, not someone who is about to turn 30 in a little over a week.
When I was driving to work Friday morning, "Alien Days" came on my shuffle mix. And I thought about that ignorant bitch that blocked my view during the show and I started to feel really angry and was gripping my steering wheel and all I kept thinking about was how much I missed and how I wish I had had the balls to say something. It's such a pain not having a backbone.
And speaking of the concert, my mother (yes she was my guest to the show again) was talking about it a lot the following day. And she was telling my brother-in-law, who plays the drums, about it and then she said something about if he had been there and something went wrong with the drummer, then they could have pulled him up to play the drums. I laughed silently, then said "nah, they would have just had someone else in the band play them, since they all play several instruments". I wasn't trying to be obnoxious or anything, but it's the truth. Andrew can play them and I think James actually used to be their drummer before Will joined. Or Will was their drummer originally, then left, then rejoined, I don't know I can't remember the story. Wikipedia has him listed as 2005, then 2008 to present. But it's Wikipedia, so take what you want from that. Then again, he was in the video for "Destrokk", so maybe it's right.
I don't think I have ever mentioned it before, by Andrew's fingers freak me the fuck out. They're so so long and bony and....finger-gy. I bet his pinkies are the length of my middle fingers. Don't get me wrong, I'd let those fingers do all kinds of things to me. They'd certainly hold my boobs well, although with the length of those digits, one hand could probably hold them both. But still.
*sniffs* He's so pretty in that picture. And Will needs to keep his hair the way it is because....damn.
I don't understand why every I make any mention of having hypochondria, people are like oh well I do that! (meaning they diagnose themselves with stuff, etc). Do tell- does that self-diagnosis instill such a fear in you that it interferes with your whole life? You can't concentrate for anything because you are so preoccupied with fearing you have this illness? Spending the whole day doing things to convince yourself you don't have it? Yeah. Read anywhere from October 2011 on in here. Or better yet, click on the "Addison's Disease" tag. Sorry, not one part of any of that is a normal fear of disease or having an illness.
I got on the scale today and was really surprised to see it settle at 119 pounds. I have not been doing anything to lose weight. And you would think I'd be happy, since I have the horrible mindset that I can always be thinner, but already I am starting to worry about it. It may just be because I am more active since becoming employed again. An office job isn't extremely active, but I do try and do as much walking as possible. And some days I do a lot of walking back and forth. But already I am tempted to google "unintentional weight loss", which will lead to nothing good.
I was in JC Penney's last week and I needed to buy dress pants, so while I was in the dressing room, I stopped for a second to analyze my body. I thought about how people strive for a thigh gap and although I don't care if I have one or not, I did notice that I do have a bit of one. I think if I had less loose skin on my legs, there would be a more prominent one. I don't understand why a thigh gap is something to strive for, but whatever. I also looked at higher up on my thighs and was disgusted. Again, if I didn't have loose skin, my thighs would look a hell of a lot thinner.
Ugh, reading through the above paragraph sounds like some 15 year old girl on Tumblr, not someone who is about to turn 30 in a little over a week.
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