Random Thoughts

I just finished watching Corpse Bride and I don't know why, but every time I watch that movie, I feel overwhelmingly depressed. Just everything that happens to Emily is sad.

Also, all these Christmas commercials are depressing me, too. Nick took Spongebob off at 7AM, so I am back to watching I Love Lucy and every day it's "THIS MANY DAYS UNTIL COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS!". Ugh, I dread those movies come back, because my parents basically watch EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM and they're all so damn saccharine and corny and ugh. And every year they tell me about A Dog Named Christmas and I have to tell them yes, I have seen it and I have actually read the book!

And what the hell is with the weather forecasted for Saturday? It's Apple Fest! All week it was supposed to be cold, sunny, and windy. Now all of a sudden it's going to rain? GR!

Random Thoughts

I had the news on earlier and they were talking with people who are still trying to rebuild after Sandy and they interviewed this one girl who has a little boy about 14 months old (I think) and she was saying how she was working 3 jobs just to pay to fix things. And I thought about my FWA whining to me that one day about how her boyfriend's mother gets to sit home and all she wants to do is be home with her baby. At least she only has to work 1 job. A nice cushy job where she gets to come and go as she pleases and do whatever the fuck she pleases. She left her time sheet up one day when she went to lunch and 99% of the days she never meets 8 hours. Never on time. Never an hour lunch. Gets to spend an hour plus talking to her fat mama and a half hour plus pumping her titties, all on company time. But the dumb cow never gets away with anything, right?

Yesterday she skipped out at 12:00. I would love to know where in the hell she even has the time to take a half-day. I would love to know her reasoning behind that. Probably wasn't feeling good or something. Caught that bug she always claims to be going around. But apparently not bad enough to take a million pictures of her spawn and post them on Facebook yesterday afternoon.

And I don't know where in the hell our company gets temps from, but damn are they some incompetent lazy bitches with poor work ethics. Our latest one is never on time, took about a 45 minute lunch yesterday and then came back and stood around and ate. One day last week I almost rear-ended her because she was driving super slow and out of nowhere broke hard. When I pulled up next to her, one hand was holding a phone and the other was holding a cigarette. And this isn't some young chickadee, probably significantly middle-aged. And then she had the nerve to complain to me one day about how people are too reckless driving in the rain.

I have done 4 days of overtime already. I swore after the whole situation in August that I was never going to give that company more than I needed to, but I guess I am a sucker. I keep telling myself that I am doing it in support of my coworker being out with cancer....no, wait that isn't worded right. I don't know how to word what I am trying to say. Oh, and I like money!

It's not really new because I have noticed it before, but I have something to add to my list of ever growing womanly problems. Apparently in the second half of my cycle, things turn a scary purple color down below (sorry. I'm sorry) and almost white on the outer edges. And sometimes itches. I was horrified when I seen it again earlier. I am "due" for my period on Sunday; whether it will come is another story and yes, I already have myself super stressed out about it.

When I was driving home from work earlier, I was very agitated (stupid drivers everywhere) and I felt hot across my lumbar area, which got me more agitated. Then it made me think of That Thing and I felt like yanking my steering wheel and crashing into a tree.

Yesterday my favorite radio station posted a link to the new Imagine Dragons song (I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet) and as expected people bitched. I don't get it. If people hate them so much, then why did they even bother listening to the song? If the station posts a music clip for a group I don't like or care for, I don't listen to it. Simple as that. And then I seen someone on ONTD say they are the worst band to come out of this decade. Seriously? With all of the shit music out there, Imagine Dragons is the worst? Give me a break.

I have been in a horrible mood the past 2 days. I hope to God it's PMS.

Song Of The Day

I forgot how good this song is:

Edward Maya & Vika Jigulina - Stereo Love (Official Music Video)

I love the scenery in the video. Would love to know where it was recorded, but I don't feel like looking it up right now. What do I look like? A girl who's not lazy?

ETA 10:42PM: it's Greece

Random Thoughts

Well I made it through Boo at the Zoo yesterday. It wasn't too bad, I suppose. Well, I guess it couldn't have been too bad, since I wasn't tempted to "accidentally" trip any kids. Last year when I went, the kids were monsters and their parents were even worse. Like chill the fuck out people, it's just candy! The only person who got on my nerves was not surprisingly the BIL. And next week is Apple Fest at Peddler's and I am sure he will be a condescending jackass like always.

When we were on vacation, my nephew was, to put it as nicely as possible, a complete terror. I don't know if something was bothering him or what, but he would not stop screaming so many times. It was ridiculous. Every time he screamed, I thought of how people are all OMG IT'S SO WORTH IT IN THE END and I laughed. There is no way no how in any sane world having to listen to that screaming is worth it. But the only thing I liked about it is how much it pissed my BIL off. Mr. Big Shot likes to be in control of everything and not being able to control his son must have been killing him. The thought of that fills me with glee.

Not that anyone gives a shit, but today was the first day I have not seen any type of brown spotting at all. And I have finally been able to sleep better. I am still nauseous, though. I have never had spotting like this past week ever. Every time I thought it was done, it would come back. And then having the cramping along with it. What in the hell was going on to cause all that? I don't know if I had a cyst or what; if so, it must have been a pretty significant cyst. All I know is it scared the hell out of me and I am really shook up from it. It certainly did not help the whole perimenopause fear (kind of made it worse actually). And now I am worried what kind of effect it is going to have on my period? Is it going to be late? Is it going to come at all?

I am so tired of feeling like shit. And everyone telling my it's my anxiety. I don't deny that my anxiety plays a role, but it's not the sole role in this. Something is not right. And I am still willing to bet it's some kind of deficiency. I guess I just need to grow a set already and go back to the doctor and say "I want this and this and this checked and I don't care if I have to pay out of pocket".

Ugh, can't believe the weekend is over already.

Also, here is a picture of my last pumpkin pie Blizzard until next year *sniffs*:

Good GOD

I AM SO OVER THIS PERIMENOPAUSE SHIT

ETA 10:49PM: Took an Ativan sometime before 6. Didn't feel anything, then about 45 minutes ago, I started freaking out and crying and now it feels like it's starting to kick in. The freak out before it kicked in is not a first time thing; several times I have taken them, I freaked out before they kicked in. What the hell is that all about?

Song Of The Day

Random Thoughts

Woke up at 2:45AM last night. Immediately I started to worry that I would get hot and wouldn't be able to fall asleep and sure enough I did not fall back asleep until about 5. I can't deal with this starting again. I have been sleeping really good lately. Why is this starting again? Now I am going to have to dread going to bed every night again that I won't sleep, which in turn will make me less likely to sleep because I will have myself so stressed out?

I was also nauseous and having cramping across my lower abdomen, lower back, and thighs. I was half-tempted to go to the ER. I have been nauseous and cramping all day, as well as feeling warm and cold. Was super sweaty when I got off my bike and cold as soon as I took my clothes off. What the hell is wrong with me?? It's like I am sick with a fever....minus the fever.

I was going to try to get an appointment with my usual gynecologist; I wouldn't be able to get in to see her until February. Tried to schedule an appointment with a mental health facility and 1) they don't take my insurance and 2) they're not taking any new patients. This is not the first time I have gotten the latter excuse. How are people supposed to fucking get help then?!

Ugh

I have been up since 5AM. I went to bed feeling kind of warm despite the house being 73 degrees and woke up feeling kind of warm and couldn't fall back asleep. I sweated a lot more than usual while exercising, then took my clothes off to get in the shower and was freezing. I hope to God this shit isn't starting again. After the experience in the bathroom last night, I am feeling super anxious as is. Now I feel even worse and my heart will not stop racing and I really don't want to have to resort to taking an Ativan, but I don't know if I can ride this out.

I am so over this hormone shit.

ETA 9:24PM: Frick, I feel like shit. All day I have been hot and cold, nauseous, cramping big time across my lower abdomen, into my right hip, across my lower back and down both of my thighs, my head hurts, my throat hurts, my heart won't stop racing, etc. I am so fucking anxious I just want to tear my brain out. I had to do everything in my power to keep it together in work, because any second I was about to come apart. I wanted so badly to take an Ativan but I am pretty sure I would have faceplanted my keyboard, because I could barely stay awake as it was.

I don't understand why I feel so horrible, although all I can think is PERIMENOPAUSE. I briefly thought OMG EBOLA on the way home from work and at that point I was about to run my car into a tree. I don't know why I said before I would rather have my mind focused on perimenopause than That Thing; I honestly don't know which is worse. They're both pretty terrible, to be honest.

And then my boss asked me today if I would be interested in doing any overtime. I wanted to scream. I didn't stay today, although I wouldn't have minded staying, but I was too damn anxious and feeling too shitty to stick around. But one of my coworkers told me that our manager made some comment that she doesn't care what goes on in the office as long as the work gets done, probably some kind of snide comment in reference to my other coworker bitching about my FWA. Nice, huh? So someone can use an hour plus of company time to talk to their fat mama- as long as the work gets done? Even if the work burden lands on someone else? And just because the work gets done DOESN'T MEAN IT GETS DONE CORRECTLY. But I guess you would know that if you had common sense. If I ever needed proof that my manager is a moron, here it is.

Ugh

While I was in work earlier, I went out for my 10 minute break and I wasn't feeling too hot and I started to feel weird and when I came back in, I went into the bathroom and sure enough, I was spotting blood. And then I started cramping across my lower abdomen, especially on the left side and down my left thigh. The bleeding pretty much stopped by the time I went to lunch, but the cramping continued and my heart and my head felt weird, so needless to say I felt pretty stressed the whole day, making my already terrible concentration levels even worse.

So, why not even make me feel even shittier? My FWA's mother called her multiple times during the day. Apparently the baby was having meltdowns (probably teething; of course her brat would have a much more dramatic teething than other babies. OF COURSE.) and her mother kept calling and calling and one of my coworkers started getting really pissed off and went in and said something to our manager. Well, she must have said something to my FWA because at some point my FWA complained to the coworker that the manager was really getting on her. And then said if she needs to be getting on anyone, it should be me. I almost hit the roof when my coworker told me that. How fucking dare her. Well, I am sorry that I am having problems right now that make my work output less than it should be. Yes, I am slow as fuck, I already know that. But unlike her my work isn't slacking because I am goofing off on the phone or the internet.

And I am sorry that I worry a little more about QUALITY than quantity. None have been brought to my attention yet with this work, but I don't doubt for a second that I have made mistakes in my work. But I doubt that I have ever missed an entire second half of a chart or completely missed parts of a report. Or missed multiple diagnostic tests.

I have met some shitty workers in the past, but none ever like her. I don't know where on earth this bitch gets that it's okay to come to work late every day, to come back from lunch late every day, to wear trashy clothes. Or thinks it's okay to take 10 to 15 (sometimes more) minute personal phone calls several times a day on company time. She bitches and bitches about the place constantly, but we all know why she is still there- because she knows she won't be able to pull this shit somewhere else. No other place will be stupid enough to put up with this shit. And you know what it is? People feel sorry for her. Why I will never understand.

I am so goddamn pissed off right now. I just want to go into work tomorrow and tear her white trash ass another hole- literally and figuratively.

The Awesome Of The Day

Zombie-proof log cabin has 10-year anti-zombie guarantee

Ugh

Since WebMD predicted the past few days to be my highest fertility periods, which I take to mean ovulation time, I have been closely keeping an eye on things. And I have only had 2 instances of what would be considered signs of ovulation and I am starting to get really upset and anxious that I am not ovulating this month and I won't see my period on or around its predicted date of November 2nd. My heart is racing so hard and I am shaking so bad right now I just want to cry. I feel really lightheaded and like I want to pass out. I can't deal with worrying about this every goddamn month.

And since I read that article last night, I have been really anxious. All that poor woman did was have a phobia of taking showers.What if I were to tell a doctor or therapist about That Thing and it landed me in a state facility? You know, I don't even know what I would do if I told a specialist about That Thing and got criticized for it. I think that would be the second most ultimate shame (after telling my family and getting shunned for it). I think that would be it for this whole life thing. Game over.

SMDH

The Blinding of a Gloria X. in New Jersey State Hospital – Just Another Mental Patient

What a terrible story. There was no reason whatsoever for that woman to be in a state facility. All because she was fearful of taking a shower? Some days I start to kind of look at the field of psychiatry with some hope and then I read stories like this and get pissed off all over again. Having a disease of the mind is one of the worst, if not the worst, possible illnesses for a human being to have and to have to be treated like this is down right fucking barbaric.

I was forced to voluntarily commit myself to a psychiatric facility because I was deemed a threat to myself. I find the irony (is it being used correctly here?) of committing someone to a facility to keep them safe hilarious. Who are we safe from? Only ourselves. Certainly not from other patients. I have talked before about the patient with bipolar and violent tendencies. She liked me, considered me a daughter to her. But what was to say that one night I might not have said something to piss her off and she come after me? It could very well have happened. Any of those patients could have come after me. What was to say I wouldn't have went after anyone? I doubt I would have, because I am not a violent person by nature, but still.

Right before I was admitted, my sister, having done psych rotation before, straight out asked was I going to be on a floor with violent patients and not surprisingly the woman got all uppity and said she couldn't reveal that information. Fuck that shit. I have a right to know. I only wanted to hurt myself. I didn't need to be around violent people. I didn't need to have to sit at a table and have someone come over and tell me he was psychic and that I was going to be raped in the future and that I would marry my rapist. Yes, that really did happen. Because I wasn't scared enough.

I live in fear that one of these days my mental issues will get so bad that I will end up in a facility like the one in the article. And I don't doubt for one second that I would be just like Gloria, passive and vulnerable. All I can say is I hope to God someone murders me while in there, because I would rather be dead than live in a nightmarish hell like that.

The Headline Of The Day

Connecticut man accused of 'mopping aggressively'

Random Thoughts

I am listening to "A Song Can Change Your Life" by Mark Masri right now. I forgot how pretty that song was. Not quite sure why I stopped listening to it before. I should really be listening to the TV, though, because it's one of my 2 TV nights- it's Food Factory night!

I hate to say this for fear of jinxing myself but my bladder hasn't bothered me in quite a few weeks. And it didn't really occur to me until this week and I started thinking, well, why is that? And then an unsettling thought crossed my mind- was it really bothering me all because of my anxiety? Was my anxiety that bad that it was making me feel those problems? Or think I was?

Ugh, I am so annoyed about tomorrow. I don't want to eat bad! My mom hollered at me earlier that I need to just join in, that it won't kill me (my digestive system begs to differ) and I'll probably just work it off anyway. Still. I want to be bad on my own terms! I wish people would get off my back about my weight and eating habits. I always have to laugh about how everyone tells me I eat terrible yet argues with me when I say I think I might have a vitamin deficiency of some sort. If my diet is that terrible and unnutritious, then why would it be unheard of?

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday otherwise. Saturday my sister and I are supposed to go to the Cheesecake Factory, which means.....PUMPKIN CHEESECAKE!*

*yes, my life is so sad I am excited about cheesecake

Random Thoughts

I can't with this Ebola shit anymore. I just want to stay in the house!

Last year, we all went to Boo at the Zoo in Philly with my nephew. My sister is planning on taking him again this year and I said I wasn't sure if I would want to go or not. My mom told me last week that my sister picked us all up tickets. I don't understand why in the hell people do this to me all the time, just buy me a fucking ticket without asking if I want to go. I don't want to go! It was a nice time, don't get me wrong, but I don't really want to spend my weekend around a bunch of psychotic little brats and their even more psychotic parents right now.

Sometimes I feel like I speak to the freaking wall.

On Saturday we were over her house because her lazy husband had a gig and while I was there, all I kept thinking was how much I wanted to go find her nursing school books and read them (I'll give you one guess what it was I wanted to read on) and I started getting really stressed out. One day I was reading a report and there was talk of incomplete paralysis and an ASIA D spinal cord injury and as I read through it, all I thought was I should not understand what any of this shit means (unless I was the person or medical professional). All I want to do is walk into a psychiatric facility and scream "GET THIS FUCKING MONSTER OUT OF MY HEAD!". I wish it was a literal monster that I could reach in and pull out of my head and brutally murder.

I found a letter I wrote a few years ago regarding the whole That Thing situation. There was a lot of stuff addressed in that I didn't even remember to address in my one post. I wish I felt like typing the whole thing out, but I really don't feel like it. I don't even feel like really talking about it in general, but I am. BECAUSE IT'S ON MY MIND ALL OF THE GODDAMN TIME in between all of the other shit clogging my brain, e.g. terrifying thoughts, perimenopause, etc.

I was also reading through some old entries where I talked about it and how I had to keep it bottled up and I wondered why out of nowhere I decided to reveal what it was. I am not really sure what made me do it, other than the fact that I have just reached the point where I just don't fucking care anymore. Sure I am still ashamed of it and actually vocally admitting it out loud to someone or admitting in any way, shape or form will probably never happen (hell, I wouldn't even put it in a suicide note unless I knew for certain that I was kicking the bucket), but I no longer feel like I need to apologize for it. Maybe I am just being a bitch, but I just don't fucking care anymore if disabled people are offended by it. They're not the only people with feelings.

And the answer I want the most- why? Why do we feel this way about our bodies? 

The Fuck Avira?!

I have been using Avira Antivirus since probably about 2007 with no problems whatsoever. Until a few months ago when it decided to become nothing but a big bloated system hog. I have been trying to get it to update since I came home from work and all I keep getting is an error message and thanks to them doing away with their original easy-to-read forum (now it's some unorganized Answers mess), I can't seem to get an answer as to whether it is an error on their part or on my part. And I am starting to get really fucking pissed off.

11:03PM: Oh praise Jebus it finally updated on its own!

Random Thoughts

Sunday. Blech.

I watched the actual video for "You Haunt Me" by Sir Sly earlier. I didn't understand the video at all. But it's nice to finally put a face to the voice of the song ("Gold")  that I have been beating my eardrums to death with for several months and as with most bands I like, it was not what I expected. Minus the septum piercing (shudder), dude's pretty hot. And has some pretty wild curly hair (god, what is with me and seriously weird crazy hair lately).

I can't get enough of that song. I would like to buy their album at some point, but apparently no stores want to physically sell it. It's kind of annoying that should I decide to buy it that I would have to buy it online and pay shipping and handling because no one wants to sell it in store. I wish I could have gotten to see them at the Radio 104 Block Party back in September, but I wouldn't put one foot near one of those things. And now that all of the drunk assholes ruined it being at the Piazza, they're really hard to get into because now you need to have a ticket.

In work on Friday, I got held hostage by my FWA bitching about how she hates people who abuse "the system" (cue 4 million lines of LOL's) and how hard she had to fight for WIC and did they really expect her to support 3 people on $28,000 a year and wah wah wah. I wanted to hold my hands up and say whoa whoa whoa 2 things- 1, I don't care and 2, don't purposefully get pregnant if you can't afford the little brat. Does she really expect me to have sympathy for her because she doesn't have a pot to piss in and decided to have a baby? Because I don't. This is an almost 30 year-old woman with a 34 year-old boyfriend. Far too old to be making such an irresponsible decision like this. Plus, her fat ass boyfriend needs to man the fuck up and get a job already.

And speaking of work, on Friday we are going to be having a "good luck" party for our most senior employee, who is having surgery. I feel like screaming. I loathe our "get togethers" at work. I can't stand everyone nagging me to eat and making comments how I can afford to eat. And I am sure my FWA will be there doing her obnoxious belching and I will have to do everything in my power to not jump across the table and punch her. And I am sure she will be the one in the conference room the longest and then will probably still take her over an hour lunch because omg she can't not see her baby! and my boss will do nothing about it. And do you know what I am going to do if she does that? I am going to stay at my desk after she leaves and if my boss says something I am going to say well, how am I supposed to know; after all, she just had lunch in the conference room for [however long]. I am doing playing with this shit.

Song Of The Day

The WTF Of The Day

Susan G. Komen Partners With Fracking Firm, Despite Possible Cancer Links

You're kidding me, right?

Just keep on shooting yourself in the foot, Komen.

Song Of The Day

"I'm only joking/I don't believe a thing I've said/What are you smoking?/I'm just a-fucking with your head/Only a crazy little thing I read"



I want to see KONGOS and Imagine Dragons collaborate at some point. There'd be so much drum pounding and loud screech-singing, it would be ridiculous.

Discussing That Thing

I can't even describe how hard it was for me to hit "Publish" on this. And this is honestly the last time I would like to address the whole topic. Whether it will be is a horse of another color.

As if this will come as a surprise to anyone, I was a strange child. Like I have said before (see this and this), I spent much of my time with my nose in medical books or pulling out our encyclopedias and reading up on diseases. I knew way too much for my own good at a young age about diseases. I remember one day in sixth grade we played Jeopardy and I was the only one in the entire sixth grade who knew that the other term for "lockjaw" was tetanus. Or it was vice versa; I don't remember because I try to put as much of sixth grade out of my head as possible. Either way, despite my hand up in the air to answer the question, no one called on me and we ended up losing. Oh well, their loss, right? If they would have just called on me, we would have won.

Anyway, now is the time to drag myself into super uncomfortable territory. Another thing I distinctly remember from my childhood is having an inexplicable obsession with wheelchairs. Why? I honestly cannot say why. I just did. I remember one time in third grade, one of my classmates saying he wished he was in a wheelchair and I was astonished that someone felt the same as I did. Now whether he was serious, I have no idea. But I wasn't joking.

Now that my memory has gone straight to hell, it's hard for me to recall just how much this has been in my life, but I do recall that there were times over the years where I alternated between wishing I was actually disabled and fearing ending up in one. In tenth grade, right when I was starting driver's ed, my mother and I got into a car accident. It wasn't a bad one, but I had never been involved in one before, so needless to say it shook me up pretty bad (and is also probably the reason why I am not someone who drives far distances). Then 4 months later, my parents and I were rear-ended. And somewhere between both of those accidents, I developed a terrible fear of getting into an accident (any kind- car, fall, etc) and becoming paralyzed. Or getting shot and becoming paralyzed. It was all I thought about 24-7 and I was nearly having panic attacks whenever I was in a car or out in public because I was so terrified of it happening. Not long after I was put on Effexor and the anxiety pretty much disappeared.

I don't remember what happened with it after that. But I do remember the fear of MS surfacing in 2005. Then I obsessed over that and was terrified that I had it and would end up in a wheelchair, and then sometime during that the fear of being paralyzed resurfaced as well.

I think it was sometime after those fears both disappeared that That Thing appeared. I don't remember how long it lasted the first time around, but I remember it going away at some point and then re-appearing in 2011. It's a shame that when it went away the second time it didn't stay away forever. It just strikes me as odd that it comes and goes.

I think around the first time it appeared, I had stumbled across a blog of someone who felt the same way. I talked with the writer for a little bit and he referred me to another blogger who I also talked with a bit. They were both on a different level than me- they actually lived the life of the disability they wanted. Which I think was the same as me, but I don't remember. I can't bring myself to do that. Have I thought about it? Yes. God yes. Just once I would like to. And I can't even begin to list how many times I have had dreams of being in one and in every dream, I distinctly remember the same thing crossing my mind- I feel right.

And if I recall from those blogs, the writers did get slack from actual disabled people over it. I don't like that. I understand their argument to a degree, why would someone wish for something like that. But it's not their place to judge. It's not their place to stand there and condemn someone for not feeling right in their own body. I am pretty sure every single person who wishes to be disabled understands that life would not be easy. If anyone of them have done as much reading on it as me, then they know it's not pretty. It can be downright fucking ugly. And yes, of course none of us can really grasp what it's like until it's actually experienced. But still. If any of these people feel the same anxiety, distress and shame that I do over it, the last thing they need is to be criticized and condemned for it. Our wanting this does not affect them. And yes, they may have not chosen to have it happen to them, but it isn't our fault it happened to them. I'd say these people all need to have a fucking seat, but then I'd probably get torn another hole for being politically incorrect.

I have made it blatantly clear how I feel about amputations and how I would react if I were to ever face having one, so I can't say I understand why people would wish to have limbs amputated. But am I going to judge and criticize them for it? No, because I understand that they don't feel right in their current bodies and that is distressing enough.

Whenever I am out in public, I look around at people and I wonder, is there anyone in front of me who feels the same way? Or am I the only one? I just look at people and envy them, envy them for not having strange thoughts and for being grateful that they are able-bodied. I feel like a monster and a freak for having these thoughts. I don't want to have them. I don't even want to discuss it with a therapist one day because I am so ashamed of it. Actually having to verbally say it out loud will be extremely difficult for me to do. And the sad thing is, I know that there is a part of me that doesn't really want this. Let's be real- if I got into an accident and realized I couldn't feel my legs, I'd probably freak the fuck out. Because I am just that type of person- always wanting what I don't have, then not wanting it when I do.

Also, when this resurfaces, it really brings out the abasiophiliac side of me. I have already openly admitted that on a normal basis I have somewhat of an attraction to men with certain disabilities, but damn does it flare up when That Thing flares up.

Random Thoughts

Three days down, two more to go until the weekend. Another weekend that will be royally fucked up my ungrateful brother-in-law. Ugh. It pisses me off so bad.

And speaking of things pissing me off, I think my grandparents, my aunt, my sister, and my nephew are coming over the house tomorrow. Yay. Just what I love to come home to after a day of work. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing family, but after working all day, I am tired, cranky, and usually hungry and I just want to come home and NOT have people all up in my face. And one of the most annoying things is my aunt is one of those people who overstays her welcome. She just does not ever get the hint that after so long it's time to GO HOME.

I am tired of feeling shitty this week. And it all started at the end of my period so of course I am thinking it's all hormone related and that there is something wrong with my hormones. I am tired of my eyes feeling dry, itchy, and sore. I wake up every morning and they're sore as hell. I am beyond fed up with my digestive system the past several weeks. I have had vicious heartburn and nausea. I feel like bugs are crawling on my skin. My jaw muscles are sore to touch and my teeth are bothering me. Yet I am not supposed to wonder if I am in perimenopause?

The past couple days I have been unusually hyper and giggly. I don't know why. Earlier I started to think gee, wouldn't it be nice if I went through a phase like I did back in the fall of 2010? Now I don't believe I have manic depression, but the way I behaved back then made me wonder if maybe I do actually have it, because my behavior somewhat resembled a hypomanic state. And I remember it starting out something like this. I wouldn't mind going through a phase like that again, because I hate to say it, but it felt fucking wonderful.

Or my mind is deciding to finally completely unravel and this is how it's going about doing so.

Article Of The Day

10 Things You Should Never Say To Someone With Depression

Perfect article is perfect.

Ugh

The SPC issued a mesoscale discussion for a possible severe watch in my area. Damaging winds and a couple of tornadoes are supposed to be the main threat.

I hate when storms roll through overnight. Especially under a watch.

Song Of The Day

For every person who says there is no good music today.....YOU'RE NOT LOOKING (LISTENING?) HARD ENOUGH!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

My cousin, the one who bitches and whines on Facebook constantly about her brat and needing time to herself yet just shit out another kid, posted a picture of her 2 year-old son in the tub with his naked tuchus showing. Well, apparently someone must have reported the picture (no, it wasn't me) because now she is bitching and whining on Facebook about someone reporting it. Really? She honestly thought in this day in age she could get away with posting a picture like that? And who wants to see that anyway? AND WHO CARES?

I am laughing so hard right now I can't even breathe.

Song Of The Day

I am kind of surprised I like this song as much as I do, considering I tend to dislike most things twenty one pilots put out, to put it mildly:



Does this song make anyone else want to put on a pair of running shoes and go for a long ass run?

ETA 10/13: I just read the lyrics and interpretations of this song on Song Meanings....no wonder I took a liking to the song.

Ugh

Good god, today has been the day from hell emotionally. I have felt so shitty and anxious. I have been dizzy, nauseous, and extremely shaky feeling. I ache everywhere and when I press on certain spots, it hurts. My heart will not stop racing and beating erratically and I was pretty sure at some point on my way home from work I was going to black out. Luckily I did not, but I did almost get into an accident when some douche decided to pull out right on top of me and drive -7 MPH; my anxiety levels really soared after that. All I keep thinking is this has to do with my hormones.

I have been a real mental case since Friday. I have been so irritable and I am so goddamn pissed (don't ask) ever since I saw that post my local news posted on Facebook. I don't even understand why in the hell the news released information like that. Wouldn't it be a HIPAA violation or something? And I still feel terrible for snapping at my mother on Friday. She doesn't know. And that makes me feel even worse, that I can't even explain to her why I snapped out.

Yesterday I went shopping with my mom, grandparents, and aunt. And while we were in Boscov's, my aunt was in line with my mom and she couldn't decide if she wanted to get something, then she decided to get it so she went and grabbed it and got back in line with my mom. And apparently this fat bitch that was in line behind them made some snooty remark. So my aunt said that she had been in line already and the lady must have made some other obnoxious remark, so my aunt was like whatever and got out of line and went in the back.

My mother and I went to look at something after my mom was done in line and the lady walked by us with what I presume was her mother and they were still bitching about my aunt and my mom nicely told them that my aunt was in line with her, etc and they kept making smart remarks while they were walking away and finally I snapped and screamed after them "GOD IS IT THAT BIG OF A FUCKING DEAL?!". Yes, in the middle of a large crowded department store I screamed that. I don't even know what the hell pissed me off so bad to scream that. I keep thinking about it and I am mortified that I screamed that. What in the hell was wrong with me? I usually have a hell of a lot more restraint than that.

I also got snippy at some nasty old lady on Saturday- also at a Boscov's (must be something in the air there). She was trying to start an argument with my mother and me that we were in her dressing room (well, maybe she shouldn't have left it to go get something and leave it completely empty- how we were supposed to know anybody was in there is there is no sign of anyone in there?) and my mom and I both remained civil and she just kept an attitude and I finally snapped (not screamed, though) "look, I am not getting into an argument with someone over a damn dressing room!" and walked away from her. I don't understand old people- they demand respect from young people, but are incredibly nasty to them. Respect goes both ways, you know.

I am trying to bring myself to write a post that addresses more into the whole That Thing and things from my childhood that tie into it. It will eventually come about, but I don't know when. It's going to be difficult to address all this so publicly, but I feel like it needs to be done.

Yay!

I saw my commercial tonight! It was a shorter version, but.....yay! After they brought back another one, I had a feeling I would see it again eventually and I finally did!

Also, I forgot how haunting "Letters From The Sky" by Civil Twilight is. I listened to it last night for the first time in a long time and it was the first time I cried since vacation.

JFC

BREAKING: Possible Ebola Case Identified in Washington, D.C.

Okay, now it's getting way too close for comfort. I don't even know what I will do if I hear a case or possible case of it is in NJ. This is like a fucking nightmare. And I am tired of hearing people say it is not as contagious as it is made out to be- it's fucking Ebola!

And yes, I may want to die more often than not, but dying of a disease that can make you hemorrhage from various parts of your body is not my idea of how I would want to die.

God, I feel like my heart is going to come out of my chest and I want to rip my fucking skin off right now. I have taken a total of 4 faux Midol pills (240 mg of caffeine), plus had 2 cups of half caf coffee (probably 100+ mg) and a can of soda (46 mg?). I always forget how much caffeine is in those damn period pills, but it's not hard to when you feel like you have a gang of Celtic dancers stomping on your uterus and on your lower back.

And this horniness needs to calm down. I can't deal with it anymore. It's pretty sad that 3 orgasms a day, several times a week isn't doing anything to calm it down. And there were some pretty damn good ones in there, too. You position your body a certain way right before you are about to orgasm in addition to holding off before letting go.....fucking hell, man.

I guess this is what happens when you're a 30, almost 31 year old virgin.

ETA 10:17PM: I just saw a news headline pop up on my newsfeed. Judging by the sick (literally and figuratively) feeling I felt.....That Thing is coming back.

Never mind about the whole Ebola thing. Right now I would welcome a bad case of it. Hopefully one that wouldn't affect anyone else and would kill me in less than 24 hours.

Also, some kid I kind of "dated" in high school just friended me on Facebook. I accepted it but I feel super awkward now. I don't know why. What the hell made him friend me?

ETA 12:21AM: My mom started to tell me about the story earlier and she just kept going on and on and on and on about it until finally I couldn't take it anymore and I snapped "YES I HEARD THE STORY ALREADY!" And then she got all upset. Now I feel even worse than I already did. I can't believe I am going to have to go through this again. And it all started due to a dream. About someone else. Someone who is perfectly able-bodied.

I can't believe these words are going to come out of my mouth, but I would much rather have my sick twisted mind focused on early perimenopause. Or even Addison's disease again (which if I recall, was what originally took my mind off of it). FML.

And screw my anti-medication stance right now. I am taking an Ativan. Almost wishing I would get the guts to take the whole bottle with a bottle of vodka.

YES!

Zombie Restless Arm

The WTF/Headline Of The Day

Woman Gives Birth to Lizard, Is Accused of Witchcraft

Random Thoughts

Good news- my period came, so no meltdown will ensue. Bad news- I have the cramps from hell. They were so nasty in work earlier, I was getting even more nauseous than I already was. And my whole entire digestive system feels beyond awful. Oh, and we're not out of meltdown territory yet- there is still always the possibility that my period will leave early or stick around too long.

My FWA skipped out early today. I wonder what her reasoning was for that. Probably caught the "stomach bug" that she always claims to be going around. God help us all if we are all still there when her brat goes to school. Then she'll be catching everything from her.

And because I have an eternal guilty conscience, sometimes I feel bad and want to ask her about the baby, since I know probably no one else does as well, but I just can't do it. Because I know if I ask, 2 hours later I'll still be listening to her yapping and I'll be cursing myself and mentally kicking myself in the ass for asking. And I'll eventually get to a point where I have to bite my tongue from screaming "I DON'T CARE! Oh my fucking God I don't care!".

I am a horrible person. I really am.

Random Thoughts

When we were going to the eye doctor on Monday, we passed by my high school and marching band was practicing on the fools ball field. Probably doing their 3PM to 6PM practice like we always did. Man, I do NOT miss those days one bit. Fools ball games and competitions, that's about it. Those were fun. But the rest of it, the people, the instructors, etc- you can have it.

Actually, I don't miss anything about high school. If I could physically reach into my brain and physically pull out my high school memories and destroy them, I totally would.

I am so damn nauseous and bloated right now I could scream. My period needs to come on soon. Tomorrow is my "due" date so hopefully it will come on. Otherwise a meltdown will ensue.

Last night was probably one of the best nights I slept in a while. I don't think it took me long to fall asleep and I stayed sleeping until sometime around 4 (stupid bladder) then I climbed back into bed and slept until 6:15AM. It was nice, because I am so over this insomnia shit. The only night I ever seem to get a really good night's sleep anymore are Friday nights.

It needs to be the weekend already.

Oh wait, my brother-in-law is fucking it up.

And the following one as well.

And here is a good one for y'all- my FWA came back from lunch two minutes early.

And last but not least- is the header on MGMT's Twitter page supposed to be a drawing of Andrew? Because it certainly looks like it is.