This blog is almost 6 years old. WHY HAVE I NEVER MADE THIS VIDEO AND SONG OF THE DAY?!
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Random Thoughts
To my knowledge, I slept GREAT last night. Whether it was an actual deep REM sleep, I don't know.
I got my test results from the gyno the other day. My urinalysis and urine culture were negative (as expected); my specific gravity came back abnormal, but it doesn't seem like anything to worry about. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate peeing in a cup for a urinalysis? Every time I pee, my stream splits off into about 3 or 4 different directions and I end up peeing all over my hand while trying to hold the cup under me. It's really obnoxious. And gross.
And also as expected, my PAP came back normal as well. The only thing that stuck out was it said "endocervical and/or squamous metaplastic cells (endocervical component) are present", which my sister said she thinks it has something to do with irritation down below.
So far no period coming too early, but now I am starting to get anxious that Monday will pass and I will still not have it and then I am going to start panicking that it's not going to come. I can't deal with this every month. I can't deal with this premature menopause, perimenopause, whatever you want to call it shit anymore. I thought I was bad when I was worrying that I had Addison's disease; pretty sure I am a hell of a lot worse with this. Every time I turn around a new symptom is coming along and I end up finding it on a list of menopause symptoms. Or I google "PMDD symptoms" and end up coming across forums that have people saying that they actually were going through perimenopause and I reach the point where I want to start screaming ungodly and throw my iPad against the wall or kick my computer because I am so over this.
The only thing that gave me a smidgen of comfort was this from this webpage:
Of course I am going to say this with complete uncertainty and I am going to worry that I am jinxing myself by saying this, but I don't think it's very likely that I have POF. What I have read on the physical signs of it, I have none of them, like atrophic vaginitis and the doctor seemed to have no issues finding my ovaries the last time I was, plus neither of my ultrasounds seemed to show any ovarian abnormalities, minus a cyst. They seemed like they were of normal size and showed follicles (*insert horrified face*).
I am starting to get a horrible case of the guilts right now. Random things from the past are popping up into my head and I am feeling horribly guilty over them.
And because of how my sick twisted mind works, I started thinking one day- why are there days that I don't get as upset over menopause and worry as much as others? And I kept on thinking about it until I am came to this- what if it's because my hormone levels are more leveled those days and that is why I am not off the wall? See what I mean? It never stops.
I got my test results from the gyno the other day. My urinalysis and urine culture were negative (as expected); my specific gravity came back abnormal, but it doesn't seem like anything to worry about. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate peeing in a cup for a urinalysis? Every time I pee, my stream splits off into about 3 or 4 different directions and I end up peeing all over my hand while trying to hold the cup under me. It's really obnoxious. And gross.
And also as expected, my PAP came back normal as well. The only thing that stuck out was it said "endocervical and/or squamous metaplastic cells (endocervical component) are present", which my sister said she thinks it has something to do with irritation down below.
So far no period coming too early, but now I am starting to get anxious that Monday will pass and I will still not have it and then I am going to start panicking that it's not going to come. I can't deal with this every month. I can't deal with this premature menopause, perimenopause, whatever you want to call it shit anymore. I thought I was bad when I was worrying that I had Addison's disease; pretty sure I am a hell of a lot worse with this. Every time I turn around a new symptom is coming along and I end up finding it on a list of menopause symptoms. Or I google "PMDD symptoms" and end up coming across forums that have people saying that they actually were going through perimenopause and I reach the point where I want to start screaming ungodly and throw my iPad against the wall or kick my computer because I am so over this.
The only thing that gave me a smidgen of comfort was this from this webpage:
So how can you be sure if it's perimenopause?
It's the logical question -- but, unfortunately, it's not always an easy question to answer. As stated above, most women begin perimenopause in their mid 40s or later, but some do begin seeing symptoms in their late 30s or early 40s.
So age is probably the first tip-off. If you're younger than your late 30s, it's probably not perimenopause, but rather the beginning of POF or EM. (In this case, it's important that you see your doctor and ask for testing.) If you are in your late 30s or early 40s, then it could be peri...or it STILL could be POF or EM (it gets convoluted, no doubt about it!)Now how true that is I don't know. I have read up on POF before, of course. POF sounds like it has a similar disposition to Addison's, where it either occurs due to some outside force or it's autoimmune. And not surprisingly, they can co-exist, although I have still yet to get an answer whether Addison's can lead to POF, POF can lead to Addison's, or either one can lead to the other.
Of course I am going to say this with complete uncertainty and I am going to worry that I am jinxing myself by saying this, but I don't think it's very likely that I have POF. What I have read on the physical signs of it, I have none of them, like atrophic vaginitis and the doctor seemed to have no issues finding my ovaries the last time I was, plus neither of my ultrasounds seemed to show any ovarian abnormalities, minus a cyst. They seemed like they were of normal size and showed follicles (*insert horrified face*).
I am starting to get a horrible case of the guilts right now. Random things from the past are popping up into my head and I am feeling horribly guilty over them.
And because of how my sick twisted mind works, I started thinking one day- why are there days that I don't get as upset over menopause and worry as much as others? And I kept on thinking about it until I am came to this- what if it's because my hormone levels are more leveled those days and that is why I am not off the wall? See what I mean? It never stops.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Hey Mr. Sandman....
If I don't sleep tonight, I am going to lose my mind. I NEED SLEEP.
I had a fairly horrible night last night, although I think I may have slept a smidgen longer than the night before. Still had an unbelievably difficult time getting through the work day, though.
I had a fairly horrible night last night, although I think I may have slept a smidgen longer than the night before. Still had an unbelievably difficult time getting through the work day, though.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Random Thoughts
These past 2 nights of lack of sleep are showing. Big time. I am so hostile and cranky I want to punch someone. If I don't get a good night of sleep soon, I am going to scream.
I wish I could just fall asleep and sleep until the weekend. I don't know how I am going to get through the next few days worrying that my period is going to come earlier than expected. I am at my wit's end. I feel awful. I have deep burning cramping across my lower back, pelvic area, and in my legs. I am nauseous, emotional, fatigued beyond belief, bladder spasms, etc.
Now I have a new thing with my eyes itching. They itched last month before it came on but I thought it came from being at the dentist that day. But then it continued for several days. And I can't even tell anyone any of my symptoms because all I get is "it's anxiety!".
Why? Why does the answer to every fucking thing in my life have to be anxiety? Maybe it really is or maybe it really isn't, I don't know. And do people ever stop and realize how it makes me feel to just brush off my concerns? To me it makes me feel like they are just saying it's all in my head. And if I don't get "it's anxiety", I am either ignored or told I need to get help. Yes, because going for help is not only going to definitely solve my problems, but it's going to solve them overnight. And the one place I thought I might be able to get some answers and maybe put at ease didn't help much, just putting the worrying I have vaginal atrophy on the back burner, although at this point I don't think anything could really put my mind at ease.
And if it's not perimenopause, then what the hell could it be? There is no possible way someone can feel this awful before getting her period without some kind of reasoning. My mom is convinced I have PMDD, which could explain a lot of the symptoms I have. Nutritional deficiency? What I still suspect I may have- endometriosis? All I know is I want a fucking answer.
I didn't realize my doctor had prescribed me birth control (she talked about it, but I thought my repeating of "I didn't like how I felt on birth control" would have been enough of a hint) and I never picked up the prescription. I kind of regret it now. But I don't want to go on birth control (unless I am on it for its intended purpose) and have faux hormones control my period. In my state of mind right now, I need to get my period naturally (if that makes sense). Would it be nice to know when I am definitely getting it? Yes. But I need to see when my own body is bringing on my period (if that makes better sense).
I have to go get a tooth filled tomorrow at 6:30PM. I want to cry because I so badly don't want to go. I have to get up early the next 3 days to exercise because I took off yesterday and today. Everything is becoming a real effort for me to do, because not only is my anxiety terrible, but my depression is starting to get bad as well. I have honestly considered going to the hospital a few times, not because I necessarily want to hurt myself (although I won't deny that it does cross my mind more often than not), but because I am tired of all of the shit and just want a rest.
On another note, I am so pissed at the Pretty Little Liars finale! I was finally starting to like Mona!
Also, not trying to rush things, because I honestly don't want summer to end, but I have really been wanting to watch Gar-Halloween-field. And Brain Candy.
I wish I could just fall asleep and sleep until the weekend. I don't know how I am going to get through the next few days worrying that my period is going to come earlier than expected. I am at my wit's end. I feel awful. I have deep burning cramping across my lower back, pelvic area, and in my legs. I am nauseous, emotional, fatigued beyond belief, bladder spasms, etc.
Now I have a new thing with my eyes itching. They itched last month before it came on but I thought it came from being at the dentist that day. But then it continued for several days. And I can't even tell anyone any of my symptoms because all I get is "it's anxiety!".
Why? Why does the answer to every fucking thing in my life have to be anxiety? Maybe it really is or maybe it really isn't, I don't know. And do people ever stop and realize how it makes me feel to just brush off my concerns? To me it makes me feel like they are just saying it's all in my head. And if I don't get "it's anxiety", I am either ignored or told I need to get help. Yes, because going for help is not only going to definitely solve my problems, but it's going to solve them overnight. And the one place I thought I might be able to get some answers and maybe put at ease didn't help much, just putting the worrying I have vaginal atrophy on the back burner, although at this point I don't think anything could really put my mind at ease.
And if it's not perimenopause, then what the hell could it be? There is no possible way someone can feel this awful before getting her period without some kind of reasoning. My mom is convinced I have PMDD, which could explain a lot of the symptoms I have. Nutritional deficiency? What I still suspect I may have- endometriosis? All I know is I want a fucking answer.
I didn't realize my doctor had prescribed me birth control (she talked about it, but I thought my repeating of "I didn't like how I felt on birth control" would have been enough of a hint) and I never picked up the prescription. I kind of regret it now. But I don't want to go on birth control (unless I am on it for its intended purpose) and have faux hormones control my period. In my state of mind right now, I need to get my period naturally (if that makes sense). Would it be nice to know when I am definitely getting it? Yes. But I need to see when my own body is bringing on my period (if that makes better sense).
I have to go get a tooth filled tomorrow at 6:30PM. I want to cry because I so badly don't want to go. I have to get up early the next 3 days to exercise because I took off yesterday and today. Everything is becoming a real effort for me to do, because not only is my anxiety terrible, but my depression is starting to get bad as well. I have honestly considered going to the hospital a few times, not because I necessarily want to hurt myself (although I won't deny that it does cross my mind more often than not), but because I am tired of all of the shit and just want a rest.
On another note, I am so pissed at the Pretty Little Liars finale! I was finally starting to like Mona!
Also, not trying to rush things, because I honestly don't want summer to end, but I have really been wanting to watch Gar-Halloween-field. And Brain Candy.
Ughhhhh
Been up since 3:45AM again. Except this time I didn't eventually fall back asleep. It was 3 hours of nonstop mind running, nausea, hot, freezing, hot, freezing, hot.
I am so damn exhausted I want to cry.
I am so damn exhausted I want to cry.
Monday, August 25, 2014
FML
The menopause- make that perimenopause- fear is back in full force. I am not overly concerned with atrophic vaginitis right now, since apparently my vaginal area looked perfectly healthy, although now I am just thinking well, maybe it hasn't started yet. I feel so lousy right now (nauseous, dizziness, cramping, my body temp feels off) and I am so worried my period is going to come early, which is the last thing I need because all I will think is shorter cycle = perimenopause. I cannot calm down for shit. I should probably take an Ativan but I keep hesitating to take them too much. But I really could use one.
I had a great night of sleep....until about 3:45AM. I woke up to pee and then could not fall back to sleep. And then it was hot, cold, hot, cold, etc, which really ramped up my anxiety levels. I did eventually fall back asleep but I felt like- and still feel like- crap.
I had a great night of sleep....until about 3:45AM. I woke up to pee and then could not fall back to sleep. And then it was hot, cold, hot, cold, etc, which really ramped up my anxiety levels. I did eventually fall back asleep but I felt like- and still feel like- crap.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Random Thoughts
Well, the few days of lessened anxiety were nice while they lasted. Now it's back in full swing. I am due for a visit from my period very shortly and I am an anxious wreck that it is going to come earlier than I expect it. Which is next Monday. Now if it comes Friday or at the weekend, it's one thing, but I am fretting it coming within the next few days, which would be way too early.
And having PMS symptoms isn't helping one bit.
The early menopause fear is still lingering. I probably should correct myself and say it's not specifically menopause I am thinking I am going through- it's perimenopause.
I am not looking forward to this week in work. Not that I ever am, but especially this week. One, my boss is supposed to come back and two, the one who plays on her phone all of the time is going to be in office the whole week with the exception of tomorrow. Yay. A whole week of watching her do a half-assed job and play on her phone, because god forbid she actually work.
I forget if it was Thursday or Friday of last week, but one of those days, my FWA had posted some sappy Facebook post about being up from 2 to 5 with the baby and the smiles and giggles she was getting are worth it, but she hopes the baby gets her tooth soon (teething issues, I assume). And when I got to work, one of my coworkers got a text from her saying that she wouldn't be in until close to 9. Is she for real? Look at all of the Sundays I had bad insomnia and still drug my beyond tired ass into work ON TIME. The worst thing for that bitch to do was have a baby, because now she just has another excuse to show up late, call out, leave early, etc.
Now....I need to decide if I want to avoid the MTV VMAs altogether or watch them for the lulz.
And having PMS symptoms isn't helping one bit.
The early menopause fear is still lingering. I probably should correct myself and say it's not specifically menopause I am thinking I am going through- it's perimenopause.
I am not looking forward to this week in work. Not that I ever am, but especially this week. One, my boss is supposed to come back and two, the one who plays on her phone all of the time is going to be in office the whole week with the exception of tomorrow. Yay. A whole week of watching her do a half-assed job and play on her phone, because god forbid she actually work.
I forget if it was Thursday or Friday of last week, but one of those days, my FWA had posted some sappy Facebook post about being up from 2 to 5 with the baby and the smiles and giggles she was getting are worth it, but she hopes the baby gets her tooth soon (teething issues, I assume). And when I got to work, one of my coworkers got a text from her saying that she wouldn't be in until close to 9. Is she for real? Look at all of the Sundays I had bad insomnia and still drug my beyond tired ass into work ON TIME. The worst thing for that bitch to do was have a baby, because now she just has another excuse to show up late, call out, leave early, etc.
Now....I need to decide if I want to avoid the MTV VMAs altogether or watch them for the lulz.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Article Of The Day
This is a wonderful article:
Attitude Magazine » Darren Hayes: ‘We are all Robin Williams’
I can't say I was ever a huge fan of Robin Williams. I saw plenty of movies with him, like Ms. Doubtfire, Aladdin, Toys, etc and was obsessed with watching old episodes of Mork & Mindy when I was a kid. Oh, and Nine Months also- now that movie he was hysterical.
I didn't know a whole lot about Robin Williams, so I didn't know he had depression issues or if he was open about them. I did know a little about the addiction problems, that's about it. But he was a good example of how looks can be deceiving, how someone can appear to be so happy but dying emotionally on the inside. I think if people were to discover just how much emotional pain I have, they'd be shocked, because my outward appearance and demeanor barely shows it.
And every person who makes a comment that oh but he seemed to have it all or that suicide is cowardly or selfish or oh someone I know survived this or anything remotely similar needs to sit down. Forever. On a bench with rusty nails sticking up.
Attitude Magazine » Darren Hayes: ‘We are all Robin Williams’
I can't say I was ever a huge fan of Robin Williams. I saw plenty of movies with him, like Ms. Doubtfire, Aladdin, Toys, etc and was obsessed with watching old episodes of Mork & Mindy when I was a kid. Oh, and Nine Months also- now that movie he was hysterical.
I didn't know a whole lot about Robin Williams, so I didn't know he had depression issues or if he was open about them. I did know a little about the addiction problems, that's about it. But he was a good example of how looks can be deceiving, how someone can appear to be so happy but dying emotionally on the inside. I think if people were to discover just how much emotional pain I have, they'd be shocked, because my outward appearance and demeanor barely shows it.
And every person who makes a comment that oh but he seemed to have it all or that suicide is cowardly or selfish or oh someone I know survived this or anything remotely similar needs to sit down. Forever. On a bench with rusty nails sticking up.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Quote Of The Day
From one of the best Spongebob episodes ("Survival of the Idiots"):
SpongeBob: I don't get it! How does Sandy survive these intense conditions every year?
Patrick: Maybe she just ignores it.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Random Thoughts
Ugh, I can't believe tomorrow is only Thursday. This week is dragging big time. I need for the weekend to get here. You know- so it can fly by as usual.
We had an almost full house in work today and the girl who plays on her phone sat and did just that while printing out medical records. Again, I guarantee her playing on her phone all of the time is why I always come across medical records not fully printed out and missing shit. I heard my one coworker tell her repeatedly today about something she forgot to do or did wrong. And then she took a nice long 30+ minute smoke and Starbucks run break in the afternoon.
Yesterday at my appointment I got really depressed after being asked the multiple sexual history questions. My whole social life, or lack thereof, has really been getting to me lately. I feel like such an outcast in work. I'll admit I am not exactly the most approachable person, but that's due to being hurt in the past. Those past experiences have made it incredibly difficult for me to socialize. But having no social life is incredibly depressing. It certainly doesn't help my bad thoughts. I feel like if no one really cares about me now, would anyone really care if I am gone?
And this bladder stuff. Like my self-esteem isn't bad enough and now I have to worry that I am leaking. And god knows when I will find time to go see a urogyn, but I really need to.
We had an almost full house in work today and the girl who plays on her phone sat and did just that while printing out medical records. Again, I guarantee her playing on her phone all of the time is why I always come across medical records not fully printed out and missing shit. I heard my one coworker tell her repeatedly today about something she forgot to do or did wrong. And then she took a nice long 30+ minute smoke and Starbucks run break in the afternoon.
Yesterday at my appointment I got really depressed after being asked the multiple sexual history questions. My whole social life, or lack thereof, has really been getting to me lately. I feel like such an outcast in work. I'll admit I am not exactly the most approachable person, but that's due to being hurt in the past. Those past experiences have made it incredibly difficult for me to socialize. But having no social life is incredibly depressing. It certainly doesn't help my bad thoughts. I feel like if no one really cares about me now, would anyone really care if I am gone?
And this bladder stuff. Like my self-esteem isn't bad enough and now I have to worry that I am leaking. And god knows when I will find time to go see a urogyn, but I really need to.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Random Thoughts
My FWA just posted an album on Facebook entitled "[Brother's name] Going Away Party" and all of the pictures are of her miserable spawn. I swear, that baby is so miserable looking. Then again, if I had to listen to that voice talk to me every day, I'd be miserable too.
She had me so pissed off in work today. I really can't stomach looking at her. And yesterday I opened up a summary she had done the other day.....and half of the chart wasn't even summarized. And it went to the doctor like that. And will go to the client like that. I said something to one of my coworkers about it and she was like you need to say something to her. I felt like saying how about no, you and [our most senior employee] are the ones in charge, you fucking say something to her. I would love to know just how many mistakes my FWA makes. She certainly lies enough. She got written up back in the fall and I have heard at least 4 different reasons from her why she was written up. Her story has changed multiple times, although I have an email she forwarded to me from our boss stating that she was written up for her attendance. So, more than likely it was for that (or she has been written up more than once and is, as usual, lying to me). And almost a year later, she continues to disobey the rules.
I am so fucking pissed I had to take a half day today. I wanted that time unpaid. If my boss was in, it would have probably went unpaid. And yesterday my boss's boss called me and was asking me if I wanted to use 6.5 or 7 hours of PTO for the Monday of the week I was out. First she told me I was to put 4 hours of PTO in and the rest would be unpaid. I told her flat out on the phone I preferred the time to be unpaid. She said she'd get back to me, I told her I'd be there until 4:30, pretty sure she called me after I left. I don't know whether it will be okay or not; otherwise that really fucks up my PTO hours. I am so fucking tired of all of this conflicting information.
So my gyn visit.....I have to say it was the least painful vaginal exam I have ever had. I barely felt it. The doctor said there was some kind of little fluid filled thing on I guess my vaginal area and she was going to send it to test for herpes but my sexual history- or lack thereof- quickly shut that down. She told me to just put warm compresses on it. First I have to locate it to do so.
I am kind of annoyed because I didn't get any kind of answer about why I spot between periods or why I have cramping throughout the month, 2 of the most pressing issues I have. And I finally brought up about worrying about early menopause and she just kind of looked at me weird (yes, that is just what I need) and then said you get your period every month. Well, yeah, I would hope I know that or I got bigger issues than I realize. But she did say my vaginal area looked perfectly health- no drying, lots of rugae, I think she might have said something about it being vascular, etc (sorry). And I was referred to a urogynocologist. These bladder issues are starting to really affect me and making me feel worse anxious and depressed. Yay! Just what I need!
She had me so pissed off in work today. I really can't stomach looking at her. And yesterday I opened up a summary she had done the other day.....and half of the chart wasn't even summarized. And it went to the doctor like that. And will go to the client like that. I said something to one of my coworkers about it and she was like you need to say something to her. I felt like saying how about no, you and [our most senior employee] are the ones in charge, you fucking say something to her. I would love to know just how many mistakes my FWA makes. She certainly lies enough. She got written up back in the fall and I have heard at least 4 different reasons from her why she was written up. Her story has changed multiple times, although I have an email she forwarded to me from our boss stating that she was written up for her attendance. So, more than likely it was for that (or she has been written up more than once and is, as usual, lying to me). And almost a year later, she continues to disobey the rules.
I am so fucking pissed I had to take a half day today. I wanted that time unpaid. If my boss was in, it would have probably went unpaid. And yesterday my boss's boss called me and was asking me if I wanted to use 6.5 or 7 hours of PTO for the Monday of the week I was out. First she told me I was to put 4 hours of PTO in and the rest would be unpaid. I told her flat out on the phone I preferred the time to be unpaid. She said she'd get back to me, I told her I'd be there until 4:30, pretty sure she called me after I left. I don't know whether it will be okay or not; otherwise that really fucks up my PTO hours. I am so fucking tired of all of this conflicting information.
So my gyn visit.....I have to say it was the least painful vaginal exam I have ever had. I barely felt it. The doctor said there was some kind of little fluid filled thing on I guess my vaginal area and she was going to send it to test for herpes but my sexual history- or lack thereof- quickly shut that down. She told me to just put warm compresses on it. First I have to locate it to do so.
I am kind of annoyed because I didn't get any kind of answer about why I spot between periods or why I have cramping throughout the month, 2 of the most pressing issues I have. And I finally brought up about worrying about early menopause and she just kind of looked at me weird (yes, that is just what I need) and then said you get your period every month. Well, yeah, I would hope I know that or I got bigger issues than I realize. But she did say my vaginal area looked perfectly health- no drying, lots of rugae, I think she might have said something about it being vascular, etc (sorry). And I was referred to a urogynocologist. These bladder issues are starting to really affect me and making me feel worse anxious and depressed. Yay! Just what I need!
The WTF Of The Day
Ebola Clinic Is Looted In Liberian Capital's Largest Slum
Let me get this straight- the residents are pissed that Ebola victims were brought to their town, so they decide the answer is to raid the quarantine center and loot contaminated items? WAT
That would have been like me going in and demanding to have my adrenal glands removed during the height of my Addison's fear phase. I think. Does that comparison make sense? I think it does. Then again, I am so damn tired right now I can't even see straight.
Let me get this straight- the residents are pissed that Ebola victims were brought to their town, so they decide the answer is to raid the quarantine center and loot contaminated items? WAT
That would have been like me going in and demanding to have my adrenal glands removed during the height of my Addison's fear phase. I think. Does that comparison make sense? I think it does. Then again, I am so damn tired right now I can't even see straight.
Ugh
I am not looking forward to being examined later on. I hope I can get an answer but at the same time I am terrified of what might be found.
Ever since Saturday, I have been listening to "All Things All At Once" every night when I go to bed. I have just listened to it twice and am ready to hit repeat.
Ever since Saturday, I have been listening to "All Things All At Once" every night when I go to bed. I have just listened to it twice and am ready to hit repeat.
Monday, August 18, 2014
An Excuse To Post About MGMT
I saw a post on Tartlr a while back asking what was your most and least favorite songs off of MGMT's albums and since I am so damn bored, I decided to do it myself:
Oracular Spectacular
It's actually kind of a tough call with this album, because I like every song on the album but it's tough to say what I like the best and what I like the least, because my feelings are kind of on par with every song. I guess if I had to choose a favorite, it would be "Of Moons, Birds, & Monsters". "Kids" will always hold a special spot, though, since it was the first song I ever liked by them.
Congratulations
Most: "Siberian Breaks"
Least: "Lady Dada's Nightmare"
MGMT
Most: a 3 way tie between "A Good Sadness", "Alien Days", and "Mystery Disease"
Least: "I Love You Too, Death"; I've come across a lot of MGMT fans who just love this song. I have tried and tried, but I just cannot get into it (I think it's the recorders). Also not a fan of "Plenty Of Girls In The Sea".
Oracular Spectacular
It's actually kind of a tough call with this album, because I like every song on the album but it's tough to say what I like the best and what I like the least, because my feelings are kind of on par with every song. I guess if I had to choose a favorite, it would be "Of Moons, Birds, & Monsters". "Kids" will always hold a special spot, though, since it was the first song I ever liked by them.
Congratulations
Most: "Siberian Breaks"
Least: "Lady Dada's Nightmare"
MGMT
Most: a 3 way tie between "A Good Sadness", "Alien Days", and "Mystery Disease"
Least: "I Love You Too, Death"; I've come across a lot of MGMT fans who just love this song. I have tried and tried, but I just cannot get into it (I think it's the recorders). Also not a fan of "Plenty Of Girls In The Sea".
Please Stop!
My head is running a marathon of horrible images right now. Images of horrible things happening, horrible things happening to loved ones. It's awful. I feel like banging my head against the wall until all of the horrible images are gone.
I keep telling people how bad I feel, how hard of a time I am having functioning on a normal every day basis, and I don't think it is sinking in. I don't think anyone is grasping just how terrible I feel, although part of me doesn't think that is such a bad thing, because if my family or something knew just how bad I felt, they'd be very upset.
Now.....will I have a normal bout of Sunday insomnia or get lucky and sleep better? I am anxious over my bladder and worrying about wetting the bed or something, so I am leaning towards the former.
I keep telling people how bad I feel, how hard of a time I am having functioning on a normal every day basis, and I don't think it is sinking in. I don't think anyone is grasping just how terrible I feel, although part of me doesn't think that is such a bad thing, because if my family or something knew just how bad I felt, they'd be very upset.
Now.....will I have a normal bout of Sunday insomnia or get lucky and sleep better? I am anxious over my bladder and worrying about wetting the bed or something, so I am leaning towards the former.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Random Thoughts
My FWA seriously needs to stop posting close-ups of herself.
And I don't recall mentioning it in the past, but she has this mole on her face that has a whole bunch of hair coming out of it. It's so disgusting. It's all I can focus on whenever I talk to her. I feel like screaming JFC wax or cut those damn hairs already! And I remember back when she was pregnant, she walked around with an enormous white-headed zit for the longest time.
I am going on vacation sometime next month- an approved vacation, one that has been approved of since the winter- and while I am excited, I am also not looking forward to it. After the behavior of my sister and my brother-in-law the last time we went on vacation....they were terrible. And now with the baby, my brother-in-law is an even bigger pain in the ass. I loathe being around most kids and even I have more patience with my nephew than my brother-in-law. He is so fucking annoying. Yesterday I went to dinner with them and all he kept doing was getting pissed off with my nephew and at one point he got really pissed when my nephew rubbed vanilla ice cream all over himself. Big fucking deal! You throw the clothes in the wash!
Oh wait! He won't do that! My sister will! That's another thing- he is lazy as shit and never does squat. He is also very condescending a lot of times when he talks to my sister. We all went down Ocean City a few weeks ago and while we were at dinner, he kept getting really sarcastic with my sister and finally I said, but not loud enough for him to hear, "JFC does he have to be fucking sarcastic about everything?". My sister heard me but as usual just brushed it off like it was nothing. If my husband ever talked to me the way he talks to my sister, he'd be spending his night sitting on a bag of ice. He also can be really arrogant as shit. Oh he always knows best and no one ever knows anything but him! And this shit of driving and he can barely stay awake really pisses me off. And god forbid you say anything. Then it's always "I'm fine!". Yeah, okay, tell yourself that when you kill someone and end up in jail. Tell yourself that if you end up killing your wife and/or son, although I am sure he wouldn't have to worry about feeling guilty for long if that happened because we'd all be out for his head if that happened.
I need to have it out with my sister over this one of these days.
I woke up today and my bladder felt irritable. I had a lot of pressure and kept feeling like I was going to pee. It is so uncomfortable and annoying. And stressing me out big time, because all I can think is it is a sign of early menopause. God, I can't wait to go to this appointment on Tuesday, although I hope I don't chicken out and not tell the doctor everything I need to.
And I don't recall mentioning it in the past, but she has this mole on her face that has a whole bunch of hair coming out of it. It's so disgusting. It's all I can focus on whenever I talk to her. I feel like screaming JFC wax or cut those damn hairs already! And I remember back when she was pregnant, she walked around with an enormous white-headed zit for the longest time.
I am going on vacation sometime next month- an approved vacation, one that has been approved of since the winter- and while I am excited, I am also not looking forward to it. After the behavior of my sister and my brother-in-law the last time we went on vacation....they were terrible. And now with the baby, my brother-in-law is an even bigger pain in the ass. I loathe being around most kids and even I have more patience with my nephew than my brother-in-law. He is so fucking annoying. Yesterday I went to dinner with them and all he kept doing was getting pissed off with my nephew and at one point he got really pissed when my nephew rubbed vanilla ice cream all over himself. Big fucking deal! You throw the clothes in the wash!
Oh wait! He won't do that! My sister will! That's another thing- he is lazy as shit and never does squat. He is also very condescending a lot of times when he talks to my sister. We all went down Ocean City a few weeks ago and while we were at dinner, he kept getting really sarcastic with my sister and finally I said, but not loud enough for him to hear, "JFC does he have to be fucking sarcastic about everything?". My sister heard me but as usual just brushed it off like it was nothing. If my husband ever talked to me the way he talks to my sister, he'd be spending his night sitting on a bag of ice. He also can be really arrogant as shit. Oh he always knows best and no one ever knows anything but him! And this shit of driving and he can barely stay awake really pisses me off. And god forbid you say anything. Then it's always "I'm fine!". Yeah, okay, tell yourself that when you kill someone and end up in jail. Tell yourself that if you end up killing your wife and/or son, although I am sure he wouldn't have to worry about feeling guilty for long if that happened because we'd all be out for his head if that happened.
I need to have it out with my sister over this one of these days.
I woke up today and my bladder felt irritable. I had a lot of pressure and kept feeling like I was going to pee. It is so uncomfortable and annoying. And stressing me out big time, because all I can think is it is a sign of early menopause. God, I can't wait to go to this appointment on Tuesday, although I hope I don't chicken out and not tell the doctor everything I need to.
Everybody Chill!
I am sure that I was not the only one this weekend whose Facebook news feed was flooded with videos of people being dumped over the head with ice. I like the idea of raising awareness for ALS, because it's one of the scariest diseases, but it's starting to get a little obnoxious, mostly because I would like to know how many people who are doing it are actually donating money as well.
Also, as morbid as it sounds, I am just waiting for the first report of some poor soul with an undiagnosed heart condition dropping dead from participating in the challenge.
Also, as morbid as it sounds, I am just waiting for the first report of some poor soul with an undiagnosed heart condition dropping dead from participating in the challenge.
Random Thoughts
My boss drives me up the freaking wall, but I'd never thought I'd be so annoyed to not have her in the office as I am right now. We got an email the other day that she isn't coming back until the end of the month. This whole situation is beyond bizarre. I am starting to wonder if she is ever coming back.
My coworkers were bitching about her being out and one of them said that she doesn't understand what is so stressful in the workplace that would cause her to be so stressed out. I just mentally shook my head. Some people will never that stress affects everyone differently.
I've had it with dealing with the people in our sister company. And I think my being out an entire week really pissed them off. Company policy is our paid time off is to be taken in increments of 4 hours. My boss told all of us that if we left for appointments or something and it was under 4 hours, it would be unpaid. I sent an email to my boss's boss the other day that I had an appointment scheduled for Tuesday (bet they loved hearing that!) and I said I needed to leave at 1:00PM....just 30 minutes shy of the 4 hour requirement to use PTO. She writes me back that I need to enter in 3 hours of PTO. I wrote her back asking if it was paid or unpaid since it was under 4 hours. She is giving me bullshit that if it's over 3 hours, it's PTO. Yeah, okay. Now all of a sudden it's 3 hours? I guess it's some special new little rule for me and me only.
I sent an email to the bitch from human resources that I flipped out on and got nowhere with her either. I have a hard time believing she even read anything I wrote.
This year, we were allowed to leave early 3 Fridays during the summer. And the Friday I was out, the girls who had that Friday as their early day left early. And got in trouble for it, because my FWA was the only one left in the office after they left. First off, we have all been in the office by ourselves at least once. My boss has left me in the office by myself quite a few times. Where was the outrage then? I didn't appreciate being left in the office by myself and having to close up. I guess if it only happens to certain people, then it's outrageous. The other day we got an email from my boss's boss addressing it, with Ms. Croquette's original email to my coworkers. She is seriously the worst. The email was so bitchy and condescending, I felt like driving up to our sister company and bitch-slapping her. If I ever won the lottery, I would personally drive up there and tell her I quit. And then I would throw down a copy of her email to me from 2011 and add "and by the way it's spelled C-R-O-O-K-E-D!".
I will never let that down. It will forever amuse me. It's pretty sad that someone who is a freaking vice president can't even spell the word crooked. And I wonder if she ever looks at the way her own employees scan shit. For the most part, my scanning was fucking flawless. I couldn't help it when the cheesy little machine they gave me grabbed things a certain way and scanned them just a smidgen crooked. It still was nothing like her employees do.
And going back to the email from my boss's boss, she just had to throw in a little dig about "unplanned absences" that week. Well, if you had just given me the 3 damn days I asked for, this whole situation of my FWA being left by herself would have never happened.
It's really sad how much I dread going into work every day. I dread dealing with my coworkers, what kind of emails I might go into. Every time I see my one coworker playing on her phone, I just want to punch her. I want to punch my FWA with her blatant disregard for rules and her incessant whining about every fucking thing under the sun (when she isn't constantly reminding us that she was once pregnant and out on maternity leave and had a C-section and now has a baby girl and breastfeeds) and how every time I go up to ask her something or just do something, she is on Facebook and quickly minimizes it. Bitch, please, I know you were on Facebook. My workload is really starting to suffer because I am so stressed out between my own stresses and the whole situation that happened and I spend the whole day sick with worry that some scathing email is going to pop up in my email box. I am such a paranoid wreck all day in work. In short, when I can say I would prefer being in a psychiatric hospital to being somewhere, it's a problem.
My coworkers were bitching about her being out and one of them said that she doesn't understand what is so stressful in the workplace that would cause her to be so stressed out. I just mentally shook my head. Some people will never that stress affects everyone differently.
I've had it with dealing with the people in our sister company. And I think my being out an entire week really pissed them off. Company policy is our paid time off is to be taken in increments of 4 hours. My boss told all of us that if we left for appointments or something and it was under 4 hours, it would be unpaid. I sent an email to my boss's boss the other day that I had an appointment scheduled for Tuesday (bet they loved hearing that!) and I said I needed to leave at 1:00PM....just 30 minutes shy of the 4 hour requirement to use PTO. She writes me back that I need to enter in 3 hours of PTO. I wrote her back asking if it was paid or unpaid since it was under 4 hours. She is giving me bullshit that if it's over 3 hours, it's PTO. Yeah, okay. Now all of a sudden it's 3 hours? I guess it's some special new little rule for me and me only.
I sent an email to the bitch from human resources that I flipped out on and got nowhere with her either. I have a hard time believing she even read anything I wrote.
This year, we were allowed to leave early 3 Fridays during the summer. And the Friday I was out, the girls who had that Friday as their early day left early. And got in trouble for it, because my FWA was the only one left in the office after they left. First off, we have all been in the office by ourselves at least once. My boss has left me in the office by myself quite a few times. Where was the outrage then? I didn't appreciate being left in the office by myself and having to close up. I guess if it only happens to certain people, then it's outrageous. The other day we got an email from my boss's boss addressing it, with Ms. Croquette's original email to my coworkers. She is seriously the worst. The email was so bitchy and condescending, I felt like driving up to our sister company and bitch-slapping her. If I ever won the lottery, I would personally drive up there and tell her I quit. And then I would throw down a copy of her email to me from 2011 and add "and by the way it's spelled C-R-O-O-K-E-D!".
I will never let that down. It will forever amuse me. It's pretty sad that someone who is a freaking vice president can't even spell the word crooked. And I wonder if she ever looks at the way her own employees scan shit. For the most part, my scanning was fucking flawless. I couldn't help it when the cheesy little machine they gave me grabbed things a certain way and scanned them just a smidgen crooked. It still was nothing like her employees do.
And going back to the email from my boss's boss, she just had to throw in a little dig about "unplanned absences" that week. Well, if you had just given me the 3 damn days I asked for, this whole situation of my FWA being left by herself would have never happened.
It's really sad how much I dread going into work every day. I dread dealing with my coworkers, what kind of emails I might go into. Every time I see my one coworker playing on her phone, I just want to punch her. I want to punch my FWA with her blatant disregard for rules and her incessant whining about every fucking thing under the sun (when she isn't constantly reminding us that she was once pregnant and out on maternity leave and had a C-section and now has a baby girl and breastfeeds) and how every time I go up to ask her something or just do something, she is on Facebook and quickly minimizes it. Bitch, please, I know you were on Facebook. My workload is really starting to suffer because I am so stressed out between my own stresses and the whole situation that happened and I spend the whole day sick with worry that some scathing email is going to pop up in my email box. I am such a paranoid wreck all day in work. In short, when I can say I would prefer being in a psychiatric hospital to being somewhere, it's a problem.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Random Thoughts
I have had an inexplicable obsession with "All Things All At Once" today. I think I have listened to it at least 10 times. It is such a good song.
I just felt hot and now my anxiety levels are starting to rise. I am also seeing no clear signs of ovulation and am starting to feel anxious. I never thought I would be so desperate to go the gynocologist as I am right now. Thank god my appointment is this week. I hope the doctor can help me get this straightened out, although at the same time I am terrified what she will tell me. And how bad it will hurt. And if it hurts me really bad then I will panic even more that I have vaginal atrophy, unless I am told I have a perfectly healthy looking vadge.
Oh, who I am kidding? I'll still be upset and worry.
I just felt hot and now my anxiety levels are starting to rise. I am also seeing no clear signs of ovulation and am starting to feel anxious. I never thought I would be so desperate to go the gynocologist as I am right now. Thank god my appointment is this week. I hope the doctor can help me get this straightened out, although at the same time I am terrified what she will tell me. And how bad it will hurt. And if it hurts me really bad then I will panic even more that I have vaginal atrophy, unless I am told I have a perfectly healthy looking vadge.
Oh, who I am kidding? I'll still be upset and worry.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Random Thoughts
My boss was supposed to come back today. She did not. I have an appointment with my favorite type of doctor in the whole world (gyno) next Tuesday. If I have to contact my boss's boss about it and she gives me a hard time, I am going to fucking scream. I am absolutely not missing this appointment, especially since I started to have some brown spotting Monday and am still having it. One thing I noticed is spotting always seems to occur if I exercise in the afternoon. If I do it in the morning I am okay. If I come home from work and have to exercise, not long after I am spotting. I don't understand the correlation. I don't understand anything that is going on with my body and it's stressing me out so bad that it's making everything worse. I just want an answer.
11:57PM: Took an Ativan some time after 7. I don't feel any calmer. What the hell? I am so damn stressed and agitated and I have so many horrible images running in my head.
And why the hell can't tomorrow be Friday?!
11:57PM: Took an Ativan some time after 7. I don't feel any calmer. What the hell? I am so damn stressed and agitated and I have so many horrible images running in my head.
And why the hell can't tomorrow be Friday?!
Monday, August 11, 2014
Dafuq
Was just on MGMT's Twitter page. Has Andrew lost his mind?
Also, oven baked Cheetos are actually pretty good.
And speaking of dafuq, I actually slept pretty well last night. Of course, I was up an hour before I needed to wake up and never fell back asleep. Had knots in my stomach the whole way to work. Got there and 3 of my coworkers were outside. The first thing our most senior employee, the one who was on vacation the same week I was out, said to me was "good for you!" and later on she told me she was really proud of me. Everyone in the office apparently was proud of me. Don't know what to say to that or whether to believe it, but whatever.
Anyway, I only had 2 emails and one was something about our system malfunctioning one day and another was from Ms. Croquette in response to my email about having a doctor's appointment. I had already clocked out and was out the door when she sent it. It simply said "was this a planned appointment?". First thing I thought was JFC are you kidding me? I refuse to reply to it, although I'd like to reply to it with "you know what? No it wasn't a planned appointment. It was a my employers decided to be bastards and not give me three lousy days off that I desperately needed and I got myself so sick and upset IN ADDITION TO OTHER STRESSES that I had no choice but to go to the doctor to get something to calm me down and get me out of work or else I would end up buying a gun and blowing my brains out appointment." Fuck you, bitch.
Also, oven baked Cheetos are actually pretty good.
And speaking of dafuq, I actually slept pretty well last night. Of course, I was up an hour before I needed to wake up and never fell back asleep. Had knots in my stomach the whole way to work. Got there and 3 of my coworkers were outside. The first thing our most senior employee, the one who was on vacation the same week I was out, said to me was "good for you!" and later on she told me she was really proud of me. Everyone in the office apparently was proud of me. Don't know what to say to that or whether to believe it, but whatever.
Anyway, I only had 2 emails and one was something about our system malfunctioning one day and another was from Ms. Croquette in response to my email about having a doctor's appointment. I had already clocked out and was out the door when she sent it. It simply said "was this a planned appointment?". First thing I thought was JFC are you kidding me? I refuse to reply to it, although I'd like to reply to it with "you know what? No it wasn't a planned appointment. It was a my employers decided to be bastards and not give me three lousy days off that I desperately needed and I got myself so sick and upset IN ADDITION TO OTHER STRESSES that I had no choice but to go to the doctor to get something to calm me down and get me out of work or else I would end up buying a gun and blowing my brains out appointment." Fuck you, bitch.
Ugh Ugh Ugh
I am dreading rolling over and trying to fall asleep. This Sunday night insomnia shit has been going on for what? Over a month now? I am sick of it! I just want a good night's sleep already! And I am starting to wonder if this sleep deprivation is exacerbating my anxiety levels.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Ugh Ugh
So not looking forward to tomorrow. I finally broke down and took an Ativan earlier because I was so anxious. You'd think with as bad as I have been feeling lately, I'd be downing those Ativans. No, rather I have been taking them when I really, REALLY need to. I want them to last a while, since there is no refill. Plus, the addictive qualities of them make me more hesitant to take them.
Work is going to be hell this week. I don't know how I am even going to get through the week. My concentration and work quality have already taken enormous hits thanks to my anxiety and OCD flaring up so bad. Now it's going to take an even bigger hit after all of this happened, because now I not only am anxious as hell, but now I am even more depressed as hell.
And god even knows what kind of asshole-ishness I am going into tomorrow.
I was thinking earlier about how no one from work even contacted me to see if I was okay or anything and I started to feel depressed. Then my parents were on the phone earlier with my paternal aunt and I heard them talk about my sister for a while, but nothing about me. And as I have asked before- would anyone really give a shit if I was gone? I really and truly wonder.
Work is going to be hell this week. I don't know how I am even going to get through the week. My concentration and work quality have already taken enormous hits thanks to my anxiety and OCD flaring up so bad. Now it's going to take an even bigger hit after all of this happened, because now I not only am anxious as hell, but now I am even more depressed as hell.
And god even knows what kind of asshole-ishness I am going into tomorrow.
I was thinking earlier about how no one from work even contacted me to see if I was okay or anything and I started to feel depressed. Then my parents were on the phone earlier with my paternal aunt and I heard them talk about my sister for a while, but nothing about me. And as I have asked before- would anyone really give a shit if I was gone? I really and truly wonder.
Ugh
I can barely keep my eyes open right now but I do not want to go to bed because then I get even closer to returning to work. I dread going to bed Sunday night. I am dreading returning to work even more. My stomach is in knots.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Random Thoughts
I don't know what it is about their music, but every time I listen to the Neighbourhood- all of the 2 songs I know- it reminds me of the shore. God, do I love the song "Afraid". It's such a great song, although I have to say the first time I watched the video, the lead singer looked absolutely nothing like I expected. I pictured some dorky skinny preppy thing, not a skinny guy covered in tattoos and 2 different hair colors. I should listen to their album sometime.
Come to think of it, the first time I saw a picture of Andrew, he was nothing like I expected either.
Well, my shore trip is done and over with. And it had a big black cloud over it. I tried to push the whole fiasco with work out of my head, I really did, but it just would not budge, along with it's fellow cellmate premature menopause. And I am really pissed at myself for allowing both to ruin my trip. On my last day, I felt so horribly depressed and hopeless I felt like I was going to suffocate from it. It was so unbearable I kept wishing I would just drop dead or that I'd get the guts to kill myself because I couldn't stand feeling so horrible.
The whole situation with work probably doesn't sound all that bad, but it just has me feeling so down and horrible and I am dreading returning to work on Monday. I wish I didn't have to go back. My concentration levels and work productivity were bad enough before all of this happened. It's going to be worse because this will now be weighing on my mind.
It just pisses me off because the whole situation was unnecessary. Everyone knows damn well my boss would have probably approved it. I hadn't had a personal day off since February because I was too damn afraid to take off while my FWA was out on maternity leave. I did fucking overtime every time I was asked, overtime to pick up the slack of everyone else who was off and enjoying their time. All I wanted was 3 days off. Three goddamn days. That's all.
And I keep feeling like this whole thing will not be over when I return. And I dread what kind of emails I may return to. I wish I still had the link to check my mail like when I used to work there before (I deleted the link after I was laid off). All I know is I better not find my email response back to my boss's boss about being told not to enter anything into our pay system missing from my mailbox. Sure it sounds paranoid but I wouldn't put it past those assholes to play dirty like that. And the last thing I am in the mood for right now is playing dirty.
My boss is supposed to come back sometime this week. I don't even want to look at her right now. Actually, none of us do. We're all pretty pissed with her right now.
The first day down the shore, it seemed like my period had ended, but then later on I started bleeding again some and that, of course, lead to a freakout. And my bladder didn't seem to bother me at all during my whole period, now it's bothering me again some. The corners of my eyes are itching like crazy. My eyes have been feeling irritated for about a month. And since I came home, my back has been itching like crazy, as well as my arms and belly. Something new is always coming along and further convincing me of early menopause. And the severe depression and anxiety are only convincing me more. During one of my most recent meltdowns I started to think "am I having this meltdown because I am in perimenopause?" which lead to a bigger meltdown. I am so done with this. I honestly don't know how much more I can take.
And during one of the many times I broke down in tears, my mom was hugging me and she said "I'm sorry I gave you mental illness". I never felt so horrible in my life.
Other than these problems ailing me, and minus the nightmare with my nephew on the first night (he would not go to sleep and screamed ungodly for at least a good 2 hours; I love my nephew, but that scream has got to go), it was a nice 3 days. Too much delicious bad food. I was disappointed the night we went to Hassle's for ice cream because all I wanted was a sundae with mint chocolate chip (best mint ever), hot fudge, and wet walnuts and we get there and they were out of mint chocolate chip. A whole year of waiting to have that sundae!
Come to think of it, the first time I saw a picture of Andrew, he was nothing like I expected either.
Well, my shore trip is done and over with. And it had a big black cloud over it. I tried to push the whole fiasco with work out of my head, I really did, but it just would not budge, along with it's fellow cellmate premature menopause. And I am really pissed at myself for allowing both to ruin my trip. On my last day, I felt so horribly depressed and hopeless I felt like I was going to suffocate from it. It was so unbearable I kept wishing I would just drop dead or that I'd get the guts to kill myself because I couldn't stand feeling so horrible.
The whole situation with work probably doesn't sound all that bad, but it just has me feeling so down and horrible and I am dreading returning to work on Monday. I wish I didn't have to go back. My concentration levels and work productivity were bad enough before all of this happened. It's going to be worse because this will now be weighing on my mind.
It just pisses me off because the whole situation was unnecessary. Everyone knows damn well my boss would have probably approved it. I hadn't had a personal day off since February because I was too damn afraid to take off while my FWA was out on maternity leave. I did fucking overtime every time I was asked, overtime to pick up the slack of everyone else who was off and enjoying their time. All I wanted was 3 days off. Three goddamn days. That's all.
And I keep feeling like this whole thing will not be over when I return. And I dread what kind of emails I may return to. I wish I still had the link to check my mail like when I used to work there before (I deleted the link after I was laid off). All I know is I better not find my email response back to my boss's boss about being told not to enter anything into our pay system missing from my mailbox. Sure it sounds paranoid but I wouldn't put it past those assholes to play dirty like that. And the last thing I am in the mood for right now is playing dirty.
My boss is supposed to come back sometime this week. I don't even want to look at her right now. Actually, none of us do. We're all pretty pissed with her right now.
The first day down the shore, it seemed like my period had ended, but then later on I started bleeding again some and that, of course, lead to a freakout. And my bladder didn't seem to bother me at all during my whole period, now it's bothering me again some. The corners of my eyes are itching like crazy. My eyes have been feeling irritated for about a month. And since I came home, my back has been itching like crazy, as well as my arms and belly. Something new is always coming along and further convincing me of early menopause. And the severe depression and anxiety are only convincing me more. During one of my most recent meltdowns I started to think "am I having this meltdown because I am in perimenopause?" which lead to a bigger meltdown. I am so done with this. I honestly don't know how much more I can take.
And during one of the many times I broke down in tears, my mom was hugging me and she said "I'm sorry I gave you mental illness". I never felt so horrible in my life.
Other than these problems ailing me, and minus the nightmare with my nephew on the first night (he would not go to sleep and screamed ungodly for at least a good 2 hours; I love my nephew, but that scream has got to go), it was a nice 3 days. Too much delicious bad food. I was disappointed the night we went to Hassle's for ice cream because all I wanted was a sundae with mint chocolate chip (best mint ever), hot fudge, and wet walnuts and we get there and they were out of mint chocolate chip. A whole year of waiting to have that sundae!
Friday, August 8, 2014
Article Of The Day
Man Buys Every Pie at Local Burger King to Spite Shitty Little Brat
Pretty sad that there are actually people who think the man is the problem and not a brat screaming "I want fucking pie!" at his mother.
Great story, but why do I have a feeling it may end up being a hoax?
Pretty sad that there are actually people who think the man is the problem and not a brat screaming "I want fucking pie!" at his mother.
Great story, but why do I have a feeling it may end up being a hoax?
Monday, August 4, 2014
Random Thoughts
Yes I realize the error in my last post title. I am too lazy to fix it.
So I was able to get an appointment today. I was able to get a work note (along with a referral to a psychiatrist and a prescription for Ativan- that last one was a big shocker, because no doctor in my office ever prescribes that shit except for diagnostic tests or whatever).
And just as expected, it couldn't have went over easy. Before I left for my appointment, I shot Ms. Croquette an email that I had an appointment and would put my time in when I came back. Once I secured the note to be out the whole week, I came home and called her. She wanted me to send it over to her, so I had to drive all the way back up to work to send to her. And maybe I am being paranoid, but now I am wondering if that was some kind of trick.
And she couldn't just leave it at that. Oh no, before she got off the phone with me, what does she say? "were you the one discussing with [boss's boss] about PTO time"? First off, bitch, please, you know damn well I am, since my name is right in the email. If you need to know so well, pull up your fucking email and look for yourself. And two, why is does it matter? I have a doctor's note. People can become sick, you know. Just because I asked for 3 days off this week doesn't make me immune to everything all of a sudden. Hell, I joked back in January that I would mysteriously come down with a stomach bug before my FWA's baby shower and what happened the Thursday before? I caught a damn stomach bug. If I hadn't been so damn blindsided by the question, I would have said "yes, but that is not relevant to this" or something to that effect.
After I dropped it off, my mom (who insisted on driving me up because I was so upset after I got off of the phone) wanted to stop at the market and as we were heading in, my phone rings. It's human resources. All I could think was oh shit I am getting fired. But no it was just someone who wanted to know because our office is short staffed.....you know what? Before I continue on, I want to know where they keep getting this fucking "short staffed" shit from. Just 2 weeks ago, my boss, another coworker, and the bitchy at home worker were out on vacation. No one cried "short staffed!" then. It was okay back in the spring for our bitchy at home worker and my FWA, both of whom do the same job, to be out. And come to think of it, during that same time, 2 of the employees we have now were not even working there yet, so that was another 2 less people in the office. No one cried "short staffed!" then. Why all of a sudden is it an issue?
Anyway, the person wanted to know if I would be interested in working from home. Now had I been asked under different circumstances I may have agreed to it. But I was in a mood and a half and I said "no, I did not think to discuss something like this with my doctor". And I don't remember what was said or how long into the conversation it was that made me just finally snap and I kind of flipped out on the phone. Not a good thing, of course, but between having early menopause on my mind, other worries, the whole situation in general, and the way Ms. Croquette spoke to me, I finally just had enough. And yeah, I know this is NAGL for a 30 year-old woman, but finally my mom took the phone from me and got on and talked to the rep so I could calm down, because I was basically about to have a full-blown meltdown in the parking lot.
But I guess me snapping out on the phone wasn't enough. Why not agitate me more by bringing up the goddamn not putting the PTO request through our pay system? Why the hell not? Because of course my boss's boss would neglect to mention my response to her remark about doing so, that my boss told me not to enter anything. Sure. Why not make me out to be the asshole in this story? I have a damn email in my hand that says submit any PTO requests to my boss's boss! What does that sound like to anyone else? It sounds to me to do exactly what I did- submit the request to her.
When I took my note up to send over to Ms. Croquette, I wanted nothing more to go to my desk, pack up all my stuff, and say fuck this place (and on the way out, tell the doctor who used to own the company to go shove a big old squirrel up it for being such a greedy bastard by selling the place. Oh wait. It was his now ex-wife who pushed him to do so. Fucking men.). No wonder people at our sister company are leaving left and right. Up there, people are putting in their 2 week notices and ending up leaving beforehand. One girl went to lunch one day and never came back. What is wrong with the management up there? Does that not speak volumes to them, that not only can you not retain employees, but that they are getting up and just quitting?
And knowing how my coworkers are, I know damn well they have to be complaining that I am going to be out the whole week, despite being the ones to push me to call out and get a doctor's note. Just not a whole week. However, they don't know everything that is going on with me right now so they need to sit the hell down and STFU if they are complaining.
Hell, a part of me would like to really screw everyone and ask to go out on short term disability. But it's not even something to joke about, because in my state of mind, I really should not be working. I am far too stressed out, I get far too stressed out far too easily, and I need to learn to get a grip on how to handle my stress before doing anything. Driving into work every morning and hoping a car will come along and nail you isn't normal.
And thanks to all of this, I am feeling even more stressed and about to crack than ever before and I am not even looking forward to going down the shore, something I was pretty excited about before. And it's killing me because I feel like I am letting them win by feeling this way.
So I was able to get an appointment today. I was able to get a work note (along with a referral to a psychiatrist and a prescription for Ativan- that last one was a big shocker, because no doctor in my office ever prescribes that shit except for diagnostic tests or whatever).
And just as expected, it couldn't have went over easy. Before I left for my appointment, I shot Ms. Croquette an email that I had an appointment and would put my time in when I came back. Once I secured the note to be out the whole week, I came home and called her. She wanted me to send it over to her, so I had to drive all the way back up to work to send to her. And maybe I am being paranoid, but now I am wondering if that was some kind of trick.
And she couldn't just leave it at that. Oh no, before she got off the phone with me, what does she say? "were you the one discussing with [boss's boss] about PTO time"? First off, bitch, please, you know damn well I am, since my name is right in the email. If you need to know so well, pull up your fucking email and look for yourself. And two, why is does it matter? I have a doctor's note. People can become sick, you know. Just because I asked for 3 days off this week doesn't make me immune to everything all of a sudden. Hell, I joked back in January that I would mysteriously come down with a stomach bug before my FWA's baby shower and what happened the Thursday before? I caught a damn stomach bug. If I hadn't been so damn blindsided by the question, I would have said "yes, but that is not relevant to this" or something to that effect.
After I dropped it off, my mom (who insisted on driving me up because I was so upset after I got off of the phone) wanted to stop at the market and as we were heading in, my phone rings. It's human resources. All I could think was oh shit I am getting fired. But no it was just someone who wanted to know because our office is short staffed.....you know what? Before I continue on, I want to know where they keep getting this fucking "short staffed" shit from. Just 2 weeks ago, my boss, another coworker, and the bitchy at home worker were out on vacation. No one cried "short staffed!" then. It was okay back in the spring for our bitchy at home worker and my FWA, both of whom do the same job, to be out. And come to think of it, during that same time, 2 of the employees we have now were not even working there yet, so that was another 2 less people in the office. No one cried "short staffed!" then. Why all of a sudden is it an issue?
Anyway, the person wanted to know if I would be interested in working from home. Now had I been asked under different circumstances I may have agreed to it. But I was in a mood and a half and I said "no, I did not think to discuss something like this with my doctor". And I don't remember what was said or how long into the conversation it was that made me just finally snap and I kind of flipped out on the phone. Not a good thing, of course, but between having early menopause on my mind, other worries, the whole situation in general, and the way Ms. Croquette spoke to me, I finally just had enough. And yeah, I know this is NAGL for a 30 year-old woman, but finally my mom took the phone from me and got on and talked to the rep so I could calm down, because I was basically about to have a full-blown meltdown in the parking lot.
But I guess me snapping out on the phone wasn't enough. Why not agitate me more by bringing up the goddamn not putting the PTO request through our pay system? Why the hell not? Because of course my boss's boss would neglect to mention my response to her remark about doing so, that my boss told me not to enter anything. Sure. Why not make me out to be the asshole in this story? I have a damn email in my hand that says submit any PTO requests to my boss's boss! What does that sound like to anyone else? It sounds to me to do exactly what I did- submit the request to her.
When I took my note up to send over to Ms. Croquette, I wanted nothing more to go to my desk, pack up all my stuff, and say fuck this place (and on the way out, tell the doctor who used to own the company to go shove a big old squirrel up it for being such a greedy bastard by selling the place. Oh wait. It was his now ex-wife who pushed him to do so. Fucking men.). No wonder people at our sister company are leaving left and right. Up there, people are putting in their 2 week notices and ending up leaving beforehand. One girl went to lunch one day and never came back. What is wrong with the management up there? Does that not speak volumes to them, that not only can you not retain employees, but that they are getting up and just quitting?
And knowing how my coworkers are, I know damn well they have to be complaining that I am going to be out the whole week, despite being the ones to push me to call out and get a doctor's note. Just not a whole week. However, they don't know everything that is going on with me right now so they need to sit the hell down and STFU if they are complaining.
Hell, a part of me would like to really screw everyone and ask to go out on short term disability. But it's not even something to joke about, because in my state of mind, I really should not be working. I am far too stressed out, I get far too stressed out far too easily, and I need to learn to get a grip on how to handle my stress before doing anything. Driving into work every morning and hoping a car will come along and nail you isn't normal.
And thanks to all of this, I am feeling even more stressed and about to crack than ever before and I am not even looking forward to going down the shore, something I was pretty excited about before. And it's killing me because I feel like I am letting them win by feeling this way.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Ranom Thoughts
I am listening to Andrew's cover of "I'm Alive" through my earphones and the drums are pounding so loud in my ears. It sounds amazing. NO WONDER I CAN'T HEAR.
My stomach is in knots about tomorrow. I really hope I can get to the doctor. I am just dreading how much trouble I am going to run into with this, because I forgot to mention that when I received the last email from my boss's boss, I happened to notice that someone was CC'd on the email. And it was none other than Ms. Croquette. I saw that and screamed internally, because she is a real bitch, that woman. I don't understand why she had to CC her on it, unless to let her know what is going on in case I decided to call out, which I gave no inkling that I would do.
And you know what pisses me off the most about this? Even getting to still go, this whole situation is going to put a black cloud over my whole trip. And I am stupid enough to allow it to.
And with all of this going on, I had a minor decrease in the early menopause fear for the past few days, but that came swinging back full force tonight. I no longer can even get a break when my period actually comes, because now I have to worry it will either be too short or stick around too long, the flow will be too light or too heavy, etc. There is no break at all anymore.
And because I feel so anxious it's only convincing me that I am in early menopause even more, which in turn is making me even more anxious and....I feel like I am about to emotionally collapse right now.
And if it's not early menopause, then I guarantee I am severely lacking something.
My stomach is in knots about tomorrow. I really hope I can get to the doctor. I am just dreading how much trouble I am going to run into with this, because I forgot to mention that when I received the last email from my boss's boss, I happened to notice that someone was CC'd on the email. And it was none other than Ms. Croquette. I saw that and screamed internally, because she is a real bitch, that woman. I don't understand why she had to CC her on it, unless to let her know what is going on in case I decided to call out, which I gave no inkling that I would do.
And you know what pisses me off the most about this? Even getting to still go, this whole situation is going to put a black cloud over my whole trip. And I am stupid enough to allow it to.
And with all of this going on, I had a minor decrease in the early menopause fear for the past few days, but that came swinging back full force tonight. I no longer can even get a break when my period actually comes, because now I have to worry it will either be too short or stick around too long, the flow will be too light or too heavy, etc. There is no break at all anymore.
And because I feel so anxious it's only convincing me that I am in early menopause even more, which in turn is making me even more anxious and....I feel like I am about to emotionally collapse right now.
And if it's not early menopause, then I guarantee I am severely lacking something.
Random Thoughts
Man, if I thought the past few Sundays were bad with insomnia, it's going to be a nightmare this Sunday. My heart will not stop racing over this. I never thought I'd be put in a position where I had to risk my job to spend time with family. It's sickening to have to choose between your job and your family. It really is. And I fucking hate my boss for putting me in this position.
I really did not need this extra stress. I already feel like a cracked bridge. Now all I need to do is lose my job and that will be it. I'll come crashing down.
Earlier I was feeling very agitated and I got really snippy at one point and now I feel so guilty. What is wrong with me? I love my family, so why do I have to get so nasty with them?
I really did not need this extra stress. I already feel like a cracked bridge. Now all I need to do is lose my job and that will be it. I'll come crashing down.
Earlier I was feeling very agitated and I got really snippy at one point and now I feel so guilty. What is wrong with me? I love my family, so why do I have to get so nasty with them?
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Song Of The Day
I remember hearing this song on the Adult Alt Rock Station on Music Choice a few months ago and liking it, then kind of forgot about it, and heard it again last night:
ETA: I had no idea the guy singing was Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol.
ETA: I had no idea the guy singing was Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol.
Random Thoughts
I am shaking so bad inside from all of this shit. I am so bugged with this. And I am sick to my stomach how I am going to pull it off this week, because guess what? I am still going. I am going to have to try and get in and get a doctor's note somehow to get me out of work.
And you know what? Every thing I will tell the doctor will not be a lie, because I really am very close to having a breakdown right now. It's bad enough I have been going through a month of worrying from morning until night that I am going through early menopause, amongst other things. This has definitely shoved me closer to the edge. And my primary doctor already knows my mental health history. Hell, he was the one who put me out of work before, the week before my therapist sent me to that hell hole. I really cannot concentrate in work. I really am having trouble sleeping. I really am overwhelmed by everything. No lies whatsoever.
And if I get one and go to call out and am giving a hard time, I will simply say "I will not be in and when I come back I will give you my doctor's note. If you have a problem with this, then contact my doctor". And do you know why I will say that last part? Because HIPAA, that's why.
And like I said, if I end up getting fired, I honestly don't know what I will do to myself. I worry that I might take it bad enough to attempt suicide. With my state of my mind, it's very possible. And god help (not really) the poor soul who would have to deal with the wrath of my mother if that happened. Well, anyone in my family, but especially my mother.
And speaking of wrath, I am feeling the wrath of my period right now. Good God, I haven't had cramps like this in awhile. And they're mostly in the back, although right now they're centered directly over the uterine area and shooting through to my back. In work earlier, I not only was having nasty cramps across my back, but I also kept getting this stabbing pain in my rectum area that would make me grab onto the arms of my desk chair.
And to add more unneeded stress, I am closely watching my flow to see if it's lightening or getting heavier and I am sick with worry that it will end too early. JFC it never stops. I should be able to temporarily relax once my period comes on, but noo heaven forbid I ever be allowed to relax.
Thank God for "Siberian Breaks". That tends to be my go-to song when I need to relax. It doesn't help much, but it does help a little. You know, one day I saw a couple pictures of people's MGMT tattoos and I thought damn, even I don't think I could bring myself to do that. Then I had to remind myself that one night I made a pact with myself that if I still liked them 10 years from whatever year that was, I would get lyrics from "Siberian Breaks" tattooed somewhere on my body. Everyone keep that mind if this shithole is still in existence in a decade.
And speaking of tattoos, I've been itching for a new one.
I don't know why people in my neighborhood feel the need to set off fireworks after midnight on Friday nights. It sounds like shotguns and scares the hell out of me.
I don't know how I am ever going to sleep for the next several nights.
And you know what? Every thing I will tell the doctor will not be a lie, because I really am very close to having a breakdown right now. It's bad enough I have been going through a month of worrying from morning until night that I am going through early menopause, amongst other things. This has definitely shoved me closer to the edge. And my primary doctor already knows my mental health history. Hell, he was the one who put me out of work before, the week before my therapist sent me to that hell hole. I really cannot concentrate in work. I really am having trouble sleeping. I really am overwhelmed by everything. No lies whatsoever.
And if I get one and go to call out and am giving a hard time, I will simply say "I will not be in and when I come back I will give you my doctor's note. If you have a problem with this, then contact my doctor". And do you know why I will say that last part? Because HIPAA, that's why.
And like I said, if I end up getting fired, I honestly don't know what I will do to myself. I worry that I might take it bad enough to attempt suicide. With my state of my mind, it's very possible. And god help (not really) the poor soul who would have to deal with the wrath of my mother if that happened. Well, anyone in my family, but especially my mother.
And speaking of wrath, I am feeling the wrath of my period right now. Good God, I haven't had cramps like this in awhile. And they're mostly in the back, although right now they're centered directly over the uterine area and shooting through to my back. In work earlier, I not only was having nasty cramps across my back, but I also kept getting this stabbing pain in my rectum area that would make me grab onto the arms of my desk chair.
And to add more unneeded stress, I am closely watching my flow to see if it's lightening or getting heavier and I am sick with worry that it will end too early. JFC it never stops. I should be able to temporarily relax once my period comes on, but noo heaven forbid I ever be allowed to relax.
Thank God for "Siberian Breaks". That tends to be my go-to song when I need to relax. It doesn't help much, but it does help a little. You know, one day I saw a couple pictures of people's MGMT tattoos and I thought damn, even I don't think I could bring myself to do that. Then I had to remind myself that one night I made a pact with myself that if I still liked them 10 years from whatever year that was, I would get lyrics from "Siberian Breaks" tattooed somewhere on my body. Everyone keep that mind if this shithole is still in existence in a decade.
And speaking of tattoos, I've been itching for a new one.
I don't know why people in my neighborhood feel the need to set off fireworks after midnight on Friday nights. It sounds like shotguns and scares the hell out of me.
I don't know how I am ever going to sleep for the next several nights.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Ugh
I am happy it is Friday, but also not looking forward to today. Our most senior employee told me I need to go back at my boss's boss (respectfully, of course). And I know I should keep fighting this. It is such a pain being fearful of standing up for yourself. Like JFC get some balls, girl.
ETA 5:30PM: I got denied again. I was so upset I didn't even do work the first hour. I am so fucking pissed at my boss for leaving me hung out to dry like this. And you know what galls me the most? I know damn well she would have approved it.
And to top it off, she told me for future reference I should put my requests in through our pay system. Bitch, don't you dare try to even pin this blame on me. My boss told me I could not put them in until she came back from vacation and could give me an answer as to whether I could take them or not. And I wrote her back and told her that. Never did get a response, either.
And you know what else is bugging me about this? While I am pissed as hell, I am remaining way too calm about this. A meltdown is bound to come, but I don't know when.
And if I get fired, god even knows what I will do to myself.
ETA 5:30PM: I got denied again. I was so upset I didn't even do work the first hour. I am so fucking pissed at my boss for leaving me hung out to dry like this. And you know what galls me the most? I know damn well she would have approved it.
And to top it off, she told me for future reference I should put my requests in through our pay system. Bitch, don't you dare try to even pin this blame on me. My boss told me I could not put them in until she came back from vacation and could give me an answer as to whether I could take them or not. And I wrote her back and told her that. Never did get a response, either.
And you know what else is bugging me about this? While I am pissed as hell, I am remaining way too calm about this. A meltdown is bound to come, but I don't know when.
And if I get fired, god even knows what I will do to myself.
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