Bored Anal Retentive Bitch Problems

Every time I see facial wash commercials, I laugh at the way the girls rinse their faces. Who rinses their face like that? I know I certainly don't. I shove my face in the sink and rinse it off so I don't splash all over the place. Especially since the stuff I use has benzoyl peroxide, so if it gets on anything it bleaches everything in sight.

Why is it you have a daughter, son, or child/children? A mother, father, or parent? Grandmother, grandfather, grandparent? But there is no generic term for niece or nephew and aunt or uncle?

I might be getting to go to Musikfest. There has no longer been any calls for rain. But now this:

Severe Weather, Tornado Outbreak Plains, Prairies

From which this comes:

 Sunday, the storms would be roughly on a line from Nashville to Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Buffalo and Montreal. During Sunday night into Monday, the storms would advance across the Appalachians into the I-95 zone.

*throws hands up* OMFG I GIVE UP

The Stupid Of The Day

I was watching the 12:00 news earlier and they were discussing the Colorado shooting case and something about the psychiatrist being investigated into whether she may have known something about his plan even before she had received the notebook. If that crazy bastard had mentioned wanting to harm others and she did not report him to the authorities, that is just wrong. And I wonder how much that goes on in other cases where a murderer is being treated by a psychiatrist, and then goes and kills a whole bunch of people.

If your patient is standing there saying they want to kill other people, you fucking call the authorities! I would think a mental health care worker would know that! I mean, I make one mention of being suicidal and my therapist barely blinked before she grabbed the phone and let the hospital know I was coming up for an evaluation. And if I had not gone, she would have called the cops. Apparently being a threat to yourself is more dire than being a threat to others.

On a different note, it's National Cheesecake Day. And almost every restaurant I have fanned on Facebook has posted pictures of cheesecake. Now I want a piece of cheesecake so bad, it's ridiculous.

BLAH!

I received a call from a recruiter the other day for a pretty good position. The hours are good. The pay is good. The position is good. The fact that I would have to work a weekend day and have a day off during the week is good. The only problem is the company is too far away.

I was filling out another application earlier and I had to answer what was my most favorite and least favorite position and why for each. Are they kidding me? HOW DO YOU ANSWER SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! I was so completely clueless on how to answer this!

This is why I bomb interviews all of the time. I have no clue how to answer their questions! And if HR recruiters really believe that by someone being able to answer these nutty questions that it somehow makes them more qualified for a job, I have a little news for you, recruiters. Those who can answer these questions are doing a little thing called BULLSHITTING. Just because they can think on their feet and know how to flatter people does not mean they can do a good job.

I just took a Microsoft Office skills test and I am absolutely astonished at how much of my Microsoft Office skills have disappeared! I am so aggravated! I can't even....FRICK!

ETA 7/30: My results for my tests were good. However, my Microsoft Office tests were a lot lower than they should have been. And for dumb reasons. A couple things I got wrong because while I did it correctly, I did not do it the way the test wanted. Like saving a document. I did not save the way the test wanted. I did not hit the Save button; instead, I went under the File menu and saved it from there. Because I am pretty sure the last time I took the test, I hit the Save button and got it wrong. What is the difference? I still saved it. Honey, please. Like I would not know how to save a document. And I manually entered in a function in Excel, instead of using the function button. Which I swore it told me not to do.

Random Thoughts

I have been in such a bad mood since I got into a fight with my mom on Monday. And it was such a stupid fight! Like ridiculously stupid. It was over a crazy road we take to go to Peddler's Village in Lahaska, PA. I thought she was referring to the one in Lambertville, New Jersey that we take before we cross the bridge into New Hope. But she was referring to the one we take once we pass New Hope and enter Lahaska. So we battled back and forth over a giant misunderstanding. I don't even know what the hell pissed her off so much about it that it had to start a fight.

And of course, no fight is complete without tearing into my having OCD. Why that has to come up in every fight, I don't know. I think that was what made me leave the room and come back in and demand to know what the hell is wrong with me crying over a song. I never did get an answer, just that I shouldn't be listening to depressing music like that. My brain is still so full of fuck.

It's been a rough few days. I won't lie- I have been feeling pretty suicidal. But no plans ever come out of it, so I don't think it is anything to worry about. More a just wish I was dead than I wish I could kill myself. And every person I think of going to, I end up deciding against it for some reason or another. I also keep thinking back to when I worked and how my WA always told me I could come over to her place if I needed to get out and talk to someone, and I have considered it, and then I remind myself that oh when was the last time we talked, and I say fuck it. My aunt always tells me that I can talk to her, and I also consider it, and then I think of how she can never make time for me or my sister and how she plays dumb to get out of doing things with us, and I say fuck it. I think of going to my sister, and then I remember how she will complain sometimes when other people talk to her that she has her own problems to deal with. And I say fuck it.

And the one person I should be able to go to, my mother, I can't even go to her, because I know what will happen. She will compare her problems to mine and make them somehow worse than mine, I'll get mad, a fight will ensue, and I will end up feeling even worse.

And as if I don't already feel shitty and never more alone in my life than right now, my mom is not even talking to me. I don't know if she just senses that I am feeling down and is backing off, or if she hates me the way she hates my father. Because that is what I feel like.

I have been having the absolute worst case of insomnia I have had in a long time. If I could get one damn good night of sleep, I will be so freaking happy. My brain will just not shut off for anything. I feel like ripping it out of my skull and shaking it. SHUT UP.

Also, I finally put in a reservation for a hotel room. The cancellation policy is good, so I have time to cancel and not be charged anything. But I am already regretting putting in the reservation. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I wish something could give me some kind of push into what I should decide to do. Either way, I am going to regret something. If I don't go, I will regret it. If I do go, I will eventually, if not immediately, regret it. And I can't make heads or tails of which would be the worst regret, although I think deep down, based on past experiences, I know I will regret going more than not going.

Why am I so goddamn incapable of making decisions?! This is probably why. I hate regret. And no matter what decision I make with anything in life, I will always regret something. And I can never figure out what will be the worst regret.

And the weather over the next few days is supposed to be chaotic, so that has me more on edge. I have been back and forth between Accuweather, TWC, and the Storm Prediction Center sites.

God, I really want a Bloomin' Onion from Outback Steakhouse right now.

ETA 7:32PM: This weather is going to give me a heart attack. Or stroke. Or possibly both.

Look at this radar:

ETA 7/28: Today- well, yesterday- I drug my sister with me to McDonald's because I wanted ice cream and I said to her that Mom considers my music depressing. She agreed with her.

I can't even with this.

Yay Or Nay - Vacationing Alone

Well, after the disappointing email regarding taking a bus to Pennsy, I decided on something else. There is a bus that heads to the Sands casino, but it has the same situation - a noon time bus to the casino, but the bus home is too early. I am seriously contemplating booking a room and staying the night. That way I can get there about 2:30PM, hang out in my room if I want or do something else, and then go to the show. And after it is over, I just have to go back to the hotel and do whatever I want. Head home in the morning on the 10:00AM bus.

My only issue is how I would get to and from the bus station in Philly. I don't know how parking works at the bus station for me to drive myself there, and I would not be happy leaving my car overnight. And there is still the issue of how awkward I would feel attending a concert by myself. It doesn't help that a lot of seats are still available, so depending on where I sit, I would kind of stick out like a sore thumb. I can't believe how many seats are still open. Sure the place seats something like 7,000 people, but I thought those tickets would sell out in no time. And what if they sing "I Found A Whistle" and I burst into tears? Oh God it would be so embarrassing.

I always say that I would love to take vacations myself, especially since I am such a loner and it appears my whole life is going to be spent forever alone. Why not start now? I'm tired of this life of never taking risks. And after the fight I got into earlier with my mom, I can see why I never take risks. Either too much fear has been put into me to take them, or I get so beat down from others when I want to take one that I end up just saying the hell with it. Oh, and because I seemingly don't know when to stop when I get into a fight, I had to bring up my mom starting on me on Friday and then about the song, and I managed to learn that my music is "very depressing" and it's not the kind of music someone like me should be listening to. MGMT depressing? I can't even make any sense from that. My brain is so full of fuck from this statement.

I honestly wish it was sooner, because I want a vacation away from my family NOW.

ETA 7/24: Now I always take the Accuweather long term forecasts with a grain of salt, because I have followed them before and watched them change about a million gazillion times, but it has not stopped calling for rain on the 5th. For God's sake. If some external force is trying to tell me not to go, then for the love of all that is holy, JUST FLAT OUT TELL ME ALREADY.

Song Of The Day

"Metanoia"!



MYSTIC REFEREE DON'T LOOK ON ME WITH SCORN

Things I Don't Get

A cousin of mine recently had a baby and on an almost daily basis, she whines on Facebook about how she needs to sleep or needs a night out or whatever. At that party I went to a couple weeks ago, I heard her admit to my mother that she wishes she had waited a little longer. She loves the baby, but feels her marriage isn't the same. But she was so desperate to have a baby!

All I ever hear are new parents whine about how much work it takes. Why does no one ever seem to realize how much it involves before they have a brat? Even I realize it takes A LOT of work to raise a baby. Like mind-blowingly a lot. Are people really that dumb? It's a human! A human that has absolutely no idea how to do anything! Why does no one seem to ever really think through having a child? Of just how much it involves?

I have thought a lot about what it takes to raise a child and I am not equipped for it. For one, I don't want to pass on my genes. Especially if I were to have a daughter, because the women in my family seem to get the brunt of health problems.

I would also be a physical and emotional wreck constantly worrying about something happening to the child. Most people are, of course, but it would be a thousand times worse for someone like me. If I had a child and he or she died, I would never be able to handle it. That is the one time I am absolutely sure I would commit suicide, because no matter how my child died, I would blame myself for it. I did something wrong to cause it to happen. And heaven forbid my child inherit my mental disposition and was to commit suicide. I would never forgive myself for it.

I also would not be able to handle knowing my child is being bullied. And bullying back in my childhood does not hold a candle to bullying today. Kids are vicious nowadays. I can't even nor do I want to even begin to imagine how much worse it would get in the future.

I also don't get this pain I keep getting across my upper back. And my stomach has been on fire. I have heartburn the past week, but haven't botherered taking anything. I woke up this morning with such a bad burning pain, and it was one of those pains where I knew if I drank water, I would have been in tears from the pain. I wouldn't be surprised if I have an ulcer. 

I keep saying I am going to end up with cancer somewhere in the digestive system, and it seems that I am the one who would be bringing it on. Why am I so noncompliant? I really don't know.

Random Thoughts

Right now, I wish I could grab anything important to me, toss it in my car, and take off. There is something else I would like to do instead, but trust me, the former is more rational. I don't know if my hormones are still out of whack or whatever it is going on, because I am still not feeling better. I am still miserable, still can't stop crying, still irritable as anything. I don't even feel human right now. I just want to dig a hole and stay in it forever.

My mom ran to the store with me earlier and she started on me in the car about being miserable. And out of nowhere she says something like "I don't know why you listen to a song that makes you cry; you listen to it and then you are miserable". I really have no idea why she even brought it up. The day I watched the live performance of it, she asked me why do I listen to it if it makes me cry. Uh, because I like the song? Yes, the song makes me cry. What is the big freaking deal? I know I am strange, but what am I missing here? I cannot understand what I am doing wrong that I cry every time I hear it. I mean, it's not like I can tell my loved ones a big reason why the song makes me cry. I can't even write it down on paper without getting sick to my stomach.

Besides, it's nice to know I can still react to things, because half the times I feel like a robot!

I think I may have found a way to get to the concert, but now I have no one to go with. I got twice from my aunt "I'll go with you if I can get off". I still have yet to hear anything on it. She claims she has asked her boss, who is her best friend, but hasn't gotten an answer from her. I think she is full of shit. She probably doesn't want to commit to going, because heaven forbid she actually do something with her niece for once. I feel like saying to her "will you just cut the dumb act already and just say you don't want to go? Because I really would appreciate it a lot more than getting the run around constantly". Kind of like how I would much rather people in my family confront me to my face rather than rip me apart behind my back. It eventually gets around to me anyway. And while a blow-up will occur either way, a smaller one will occur if it's said right to my face.

I am so fed up with my family I can't even stand it anymore.

I am seriously considering going to this concert myself. I don't want to let this opportunity slip by. But would it be too weird? I really don't know. I wouldn't be all that scared going by myself, even though it is kind of far away, but it's all a question of how awkward I would feel sitting by myself. If I were more social with people, I wouldn't think it so weird, although if people talk to me, I will usually be pretty sociable. Of course, I am more interested in hearing the music than anything, so being social is really not a big concern. I'd probably be a little paranoid of what people are thinking of me, but I would hope I would barely register on other people's registers. If I saw someone alone at a concert, I would maybe briefly wonder why, and then brush it off. Or I'd be giving them major props in my head for having the confidence to do such a thing.

And hey, maybe I'd finally meet some people who share common interests with me, since my family or anyone else I know apparently has no interest in my interests.

ETA 7/23:  Okay, so the bus idea is out. It can get me there, but the last one leaves at 6:05PM. The concert is at 7:30PM. I am just not meant to go to this damn concert, am I? So either I have to just admit defeat already, or bite the bullet and attempt to drive myself there, which is really what I would much rather do anyway. For one, I am sick of the fact that I have had my license for 12 goddamn years and have never driven anywhere far. Most people my age are driving to the shore and other states. I have never even driven down the shore. And two, I want to be able to come and go as I please, not have to worry about getting there mad early or that I am going to miss my bus or have to leave the concert early so I don't miss my bus. I am not ready to let this opportunity slip by yet, dammit.

Comment Of The Day

I'd be a failure at life- well, bigger- if I didn't know what that was from. None other than my favorite episode of Futurama.

The charge is bank robbery. Now, my caddy's chauffeur informs me that a bank is a place where people put money that isn't properly invested. Therefore, robbing a bank is tantamount to that most heinous of crimes, theft of money.

Too bad I am no longer a Huffpost user. I would have had to give major props to this user. But I canceled my membership after someone pissed me off so bad that had I wrote what I wanted to write, I probably would have been banned. That site is like a stinking nanny state.

I like how the joke goes over so many heads.

NOOOOOOOOO!

I didn't want to believe it was true before, but

Dan Cathy, Chick-Fil-A President, On Anti-Gay Stance: 'Guilty As Charged'

Chick-Fil-A, I AM DISAPPOINT

Luckily, I don't eat there that often. I only go because I get coupons in the mail every so often for a free sandwich. Apparently I am in the minority, because I love Chick-Fil-A. I think their chicken sandwiches and waffle fries are good. I also like their hospitality. I have never received rude treatment at any of my local Chick-Fil-As. Everyone always goes out of their way.

I kept hearing it, and I suspected it was true due to their whole being closed on Sunday shtick, but I kept blinders up. But hey! Go ahead and be against gay marriage! If you want to stand there and preach that marriage should be between a man and a woman only, then by all means, be my guest! Allow for fat ass urinal cakes to wed troll-faced dumbasses for 72 days, because what does it matter? It's still between a man and a woman! God, I hate this world.

Boy, I wish I could get in office one day. I'd ban all marriage.

I just read some article over on Yahoo about that Olympic dude with no legs (too lazy to look up the name again) bagging some Russian model. Oh, look at that. What a surprise. Dude gets famous and the models start coming out of the woodwork, and then suddenly that will be all he will date. JUST LIKE SOMEONE ELSE I KNOW. Anyway, the comment section has my sides hurting from laughing. I am surely ensuring my trip to hell more and more.

A Semi-Angry Letter To The Writers Of Pretty Little Liars

Dear Writers Of Pretty Little Liars:

Whether it happened in the book or not- I do not know, for I have not read them- please seriously consider killing off Hanna. She is one of the most annoying characters in the history of TV characters. She is a vapid air-headed little bitch who needs to learn to respect her mother. If A brutally murdered her, I would cheer like I have never cheered at the TV before.

Sincerely,
S-Cubed

Say What?

What Hollywood Gets Wrong About Your Period 

Normal bodily process or not, how is it not icky and disgusting? I was 11 years old when I first got mine. And 17 years old later, it still grosses me out. Come on. When you read what it really involves, it is disgusting. And every time I have it, I feel like I have a giant sign that says "SHE HAS HER PERIOD" with an arrow pointing down over my head.

And I still get embarrassed when I have to go to the store and buy stuff.

And aside from the ickiness of it, then there is the emotional toll it takes. If you are a woman who has only had to deal with mild PMS or has never had to deal with PMS at all, consider yourself lucky. Very, very lucky. After this past week, I am starting to rethink the whole not having PMDD. It finally came yesterday, but I am still pretty Godzilla-like.

Picture(s) Of The Day

Before viewing these pictures, go back to this post, pull the button to 7:00, and then view these:

Photos: Dazzling Northern Lights

"The empty sky surrounds me but I can't see at all....." God I want to have sex with this song.

The Headline Of The Day

Six Careers for People Who Don't Like People

Every time I read a career-suggesting article- whether it be careers for shy people, careers for introverts, careers for people who like being by themselves, you get the point- accounting is always among the suggestions. Is someone trying to tell me something?

An Angry Letter To Youtube

Dear Youtube:

If I wanted to watch videos of people covering songs/scenes I like, I would search for videos of people covering songs/scenes I like. Otherwise, stop suggesting it! I do not want to watch people act out favorite movie or cartoon scenes. I do not want to watch the Kooks covering "Kids". I do not want to watch Katy Perry sing "Electric Feel". I do not want to watch some amaetuer who is desperately looking for their 15 minutes of fame cover a song I like. I want to hear the real version of the song. End of story. However, that does not mean I want to watch people's corny homemade videos with whatever song I am searching for playing in the background.

Enough!

Sincerely,
S-Cubed

PS - Why do so many of the videos from MGMT's Vevo page keep popping up under my recommendations? I already favored them!

Random Thoughts

Ugh, the tension levels in my house are ridiculous. Why can't my father go down the shore for the weekend like when he pulled the same shit on my grandmother's birthday last year? I can't even stand looking at him right now (although honestly there are a lot of people I am feeling that about right now). All I want to do is punch him in the face, which the idea of a 5'3 122 pound girl punching a 5'8 250+ man in the face makes me want to laugh for some reason.

I was up for well over 4 hours last night trying to sleep. I was exhausted, too. I can never make sense of that. How can you be beyond exhausted, but can't fall asleep? Well, it didn't help that my mind was running on full blast. I have had bad times with my anxiety flaring up right before I am due for my period, but it's been a long time since it flared up this bad. If ever.

It also didn't help that I had read an article right before I climbed into bed that was a real case of something I did not need to see at the moment. My self-esteem took a major blow. And it annoys me that I allowed it to. No one at my age acts like this.

I think that this is all OCD. Or really and truly hope that it is. It's unwanted. It's intruding. It persists. It causes anxiety. It's unreasonable (understatement of the century). Yet even knowing that this is probably all OCD, it's not helping me to not feel overly anxious and wretched. Or to not look at the person and want to throw my hands up in disgust.

I was thinking the other day about how my stress tolerance levels have decreased drastically and how if something really stressful were to happen to me, like a death or natural disaster, I would not be able to handle it. I would either finally break down completely or I would drop dead. And while I am back to believing that I may not have Addison's disease, if I had to deal with as much stress as I probably put on my adrenal glands, I'd up and quit too.

My personality has taken a huge turn, and not for the better. I don't ever recall being as stressed out about things as I am now. And while some of my stress is legitimate and over real life worries, the majority is (are?) over the stupidest things on earth. And as I said, my tolerance levels are very low. I can't deal with loud noise, especially screaming bratty children. I can't deal with crowds. If more than one person talks to me, I get stressed. If multiple conversations are going on, I get stressed. If I have multiple things to do, I get stressed. If I only have one thing to do, I get stressed. My attention span is shot. If someone talks to me while I am reading, I completely lose focus. If I am on the phone, and someone other than the person on the phone talks to me, I completely lose focus. I can read an entire page and not comprehend one thing I read. I can't remember anything, except shit I don't want to think about.

I just realized I used the word retard in another post and I should go omit that. I know I have said before that I don't understand people who get hung up on others using the word, since how many people would really ever use it towards an actual mentally retarded person, but I said it one day and felt really bad after saying it, and I decided I wanted to stop using it. And it's not something I would really ever admit out loud, but if I had children and one of them ended up mentally retarded, I would show some favoritism to the mentally retarded child.

On another note, I was just on D-Listed and someone mentioned Raptor Jesus and I looked it up on Google Images and now I cannot stop laughing. Good. I need this laugh.

God Enough Is Enough

We're celebrating my grandmom's birthday today. And my father already started a fight with my mother. And stormed out of the house. My almost 84 year old grandmother who was just taken to the ER last week when we all got scared that she was having a heart attack.

And knowing that my brother-in-law is pretty much Dad 2.0, and my sister is showing traits and behaviors like Daddy Dearest as well, makes me want to punch the wall even more.

I can't deal with this BS anymore. Just keep hammering more nails into the coffin, old man.

Random Thoughts

God I never thought the day would come that I would wish for my damn period to come. Well, except if I were to have sex and it doesn't come when it's expected. And I had used protection. Which I always would, because I don't want any spawns. But duh, you can get pregnant by having sex, protected or not. I do have to agree with the radical right wingers on abstinence- it is the 100% only way to prevent pregnancy, except if you are sterile. Or immaculate conception really exists. Abstinence is unrealtistic, though, unless you are a socially retarded asshole like me. But I am getting off topic. But this! This needs to end. SOON! I generally refuse to refer to it as "my OCD", but there is no other way for me to word this - my OCD is flaring through the roof. All I want to do is get inside my brain and scream "SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Every night before bed, every morning bright and early, all day long, this voice in my head screaming the same bullshit - I have failed at life. I am a huge disappointment to everyone. It's driving me up the freaking wall. And I need to make something of myself to feel like less of a failure. But I can't make something of myself until I am better. And I can't get better until I have medical. And I can't get medical until I have a job. And I can't get a job. I don't know where to go. I have never felt so goddamn helpless on what to do or where to go. I just want to cry.

Cry! Like I haven't been doing enough of that! Every single thing is making me cry. Now hormonal or not, "I Found A Whistle" can make me cry. But the other day, I watched a concert my sister had taped off of Palladia for me and that was the first song they performed and I was so overwhelmed from how pretty it sounded live that I burst into tears. I can just imagine if I were to actually get to see them live and they performed it. And it would be right around the time my hormones would be flaring up again. Oh god it would be so embarrassing.

ETA 7/16: The entire song makes me cry, but I have pinpointed the part that gets me the most:

Such conviction
To paint all the walls with the blood
Of the young and the faithful and the good

It's a line someone with a fucked up mind like me may misconstrue, although I would hardly consider myself "good". After all, my mother told me I was evil. I already was well aware of that when she said it to me, but it has been eating at me since then.

It's kind of starting to really disturb me that more and more of my suicidal fantasies (by which I mean just imagining doing it, not actually planning it out) involve using a gun, since I have always said that would be the LAST method I would ever use. And this one has been one of the most disturbing, almost to the point of making me want to throw up repeatedly that I would actually think, even though it is just a fantasy, of doing something like this to myself.

Video Of The Day

The Stupid Of The Day

Actually, this is a little old, since it was said on the day the healthcare reform thing was upheld, but it's been irking me since I heard it. My local news station was interviewing people on what they thought of it and some dude was complaining about it, saying he never gets sick and it's more worth it to pay out of pocket to go to the doctor's with as little as he gets sick.

I understand his point. I never get sick either, so it's very rare I ever have to go to the doctor's. Like I have said before, I appear to have a super immune system like my mother, despite never being breast fed, although I am still just waiting for one day it to unleash its vengeance against me in the form of an autoimmune disease. The only time I am at the doctor's a lot is when I am going through a "disease crisis" and need to be reassured I am not sick. And that is actually where NOT having insurance is beneficial, because when I don't have it, I can't feed my stupid obsessions.

I also don't think people should be forced to buy health insurance. But having no insurance doesn't help if I were to suddenly develop cancer or seriously injured in a car accident. Are you going to think the same about paying out of pocket for that, buddy? Naturally, most people don't think bad things can happen to them, but it can. And you need to be prepared for it.

Jesus. It must be nice to be that delusional in life to think bad things will never happen to you.

I also saw an article in the Sunday paper disputing someone's argument against health care reform. And it was pretty good, up until the part where it says the uninsured use ERs and we pay for them anyway. Uh, yeah. I am positive if I were to go to the ER and be treated for something, my bill would just be written off. That would be about as likely as me going up to the Human Services department and being approved for Medicaid. In other words

The WTF Of The Day

Pro-Anorexia Site "Skinny Gossip": Kate Upton Is a "Fatty" 

That's fat? Okay, so she is a lot meatier than most models- and that SI cover was not flattering; big titties do not belong in triangle top bikinis- but fat? No freaking way. Her body is fine.

And knowing that someone I have much respect for contributes, in an indirect way, to this monsterish world of starving yourself to look good really, REALLY disappoints me, because I would have thought this person was a lot better than that.

I generally try to be compassionate towards most people with mental illness, but pro-anas/mias are where I draw the line. Harming others is unacceptable. I still to this day cannot, and probably never will, comprehend encouraging others to deliberately self-harm themselves. I have binged, purged, cut myself, banged my wrists and hands, banged my head, etc and I beg others to PLEASE never, EVER do anything like that if you can help it.

Right now I am trying to do everything in my power to not start banging my head against the wall because my hormones are all over the place and I am feeling really depressed and shitty. I just wish my period would come on so I can feel better. But then if it comes soon, it will be early, which will kick start the part of my brain that always has me convinced there is something wrong with me. The Addison's fear has went away some again, but it still will not just completely disappear. Feeling this depressed is suffocating. I feel like I have a heavy lead blanket over me. I have no plans to attempt suicide or harm myself in anyway, but I am not going to deny that I am feeling pretty suicidal right now. I just want to lie down, close my eyes, and that is it.

And the thing making me feel the worst is I got news the other day that reminds me why I should stick around, and is really making it difficult to consider suicide.

Nobody should ever have to feel this way.

And for the love of God, medicine is not always the answer.

ETA 7/13: Skinny Gossip blogger who called Kate Upton fat has change of heart, removes ‘Starving Tips of the Day’ 

Good. I am glad to hear that.

Look, websites like that infuriate me, but death and rape threats? Really?

Quote Of The Day

MGMT on their cover of Fleetwood Mac's "Future Games":

The song was written by the late Bob Welch (R.I.P) and originally clocked in at 8 minutes and 21 seconds. When it first came out, in the early 1970s, this would have been considered a "bathroom song." Through natural male enhancement techniques, we've made our version even longer and bigger, measuring exactly 9:11 (never forget). Yes, this was on purpose. We are currently making a new album. 

A bathroom song? Do I even want to know? I remember one time I read an article where one of their songs was nominated for something and the article writer said that he waited 20 minutes for Ben to come back from taking a number 2. I was disturbed for several days after reading that, because I have major issues with people discussing their bathroom habits (even though I have made fairly vague mentions of it on here several times). Especially from people who seem very quiet and reserved, which is what I always get from Ben. Now Andrew, on the other hand....

Natural male enhancement. Longer. Bigger. Of course I would giggle at all of that.

Do you know what I did today? I entered in my local radio station's contest to win tickets to their show. Although I am still trying to find a way to go on my own accord, I figured what the hell. And watch, this will be like the time I was 12 years old and bored and decided to enter a contest to win a gym membership (I actually won the damn contest, but you had to be 18+). Plus, I am playing with fire with my hearing. These are front row seats, for God's sake. I already can't hear as it is. I'll really be deaf. And honestly, the idea of being right near, or possibly right in front of, Andrew? Look, I know he would hardly be paying any attention to me, but I wouldn't take any chances. I would need a brown paper bag of epic proportions to put over my head.

But hey, if I win, then I guess someone will have no choice but to take me now, will they? I've sat through enough shitty concerts (Maroon 5, Cher, etc) with people. It's about time someone goes to a concert I want to see. It's kind of sad that I have never been to a concert for someone I want to see.

And NKOTB doesn't count. I was 6 years old. That was also the start of the downfall of my hearing. Oh, and I also saw Billy Joel and Elton John my senior year of high school, which was a pretty awesome concert. But nothing compares to the Chicago/Earth Wind and Fire concert I went to. It wasn't one I wanted to go to, another case of someone buying me a ticket without asking me if I wanted to go, but it was a sick concert. A lot of pot smoking going on. Almost wish I had partook.

ETA 9:40: Here is that disturbing article.

I also read an article on NME about the Flaming Lips releasing a song that is six hours long. Six hours? SIX FREAKING HOURS?! Are you kidding me? And it took them three weeks to write it? And are we sure Wayne ain't Andrew's daddy? Or related in some shape or form? Could you imagine if the two were interviewed together? My brain would hurt from the craziness of it. Good grief.

Quote Of The Day

BalticAvenue17 in response to this article:

Few people know this, but One Direction actually started out as a punk group called f**k You I'm Going This Way/ Then Satan came along, ripped their souls out with his Freddy Krueger hand (got it on eBay for about $3.50), and replaced them with a group of screeching imps that were making Hell a little too unbearable for him and his employees.

Random Thoughts

In a case of open mouth insert foot, I realized something pretty horrific yesterday. For the longest time, I never realized on Facebook that if I "liked" a picture or commented on a picture or a status, that it showed in the newsfeed of any friends. Until one day my sister brought it to my attention when I had "liked" a picture on MGMT's FB page. So all of the pictures I have liked or commented on (oh god why) or many childfree statuses I have commented on have shown up. Including one where I slammed my former coworkers. I did not use any names or anything, but it would have to take a pretty stupid person to not notice who I was referring to.

The topic was about how childfree workers are generally the ones expected to work overtime. And that was how it was at my job. The end of the month was when we had to meet budget by doing different tasks. And it was expected we were to stay late. Except it was only a select few that ever ended up having to do it, including my WA, her friend, me, and a couple other people. The women with children never did. And one flat out refused, repeatedly saying "I have children; I am not staying late" (funny thing is, my WA's friend had children, too, about the same age and she was one of the ones that got the worst of it when it came to staying late, although maybe if she didn't spend "ten minutes" talking to my WA every day she wouldn't have had to stay late).

And this is what really pissed me off- they never wanted to stay late and contribute to meeting goal, but they expected a part of the bonus, if we got one. Which we never did, despite going over goal several times. Once, just once, I saw a bonus from meeting goal.

Did they ever see my rant? I don't know. And honestly, I don't really give a shit. Because it was the truth. It was complete bullshit that they refused to participate in meeting goal, but expected to be rewarded for it. Screw that. You earn your way to that goal.

And frankly, I don't care much for the whole childfree workers being expected to put in more overtime. We still have loved ones! We still have husbands, wives, parents, siblings, etc. that we would like to go home and see. I know if I had a hubby, I would want to come home to him on time evry night, not have to sacrifice my time away from him because some mombie is too selfish to realize that just because someone doesn't have a kid, doesn't mean they don't have someone to go home to. Popping out a brat should not hold more merit. Stupid child-centric society.

Something else that annoys me- the usage of the word "rock". Like this celebrity rocked a short blue dress. What in the hell? You rock out to music. You throw a rock at someone's head. You don't rock an outfit. Why can't the media just say "wore"? Plus, most of the time a celebrity is "rocking" an outfit, they look like shit. But then again, most celebrities are shit. It annoys me as much as "baby bump". Ugh, the media can be so damn stupid with their stupid terms.

Saturday I had to attend a surprise party at my bitchy cousin's brand new house for another one of my cousins and it was the same shit as usual. But I was sitting thinking one day that when I am out in public, I hate my appearence so much, all I want to do is go home and hide, or if that is not an option, to put a bag over my head. And when I look at other people, I wonder how many other people may feel the same way about themselves. I often wonder, probably more than what is considered healthy, how I appear to people. Do I appear confident, snobby, ignorant, whatever? I can understand if I actually come off snooty or rude to people, but nothing could really be further from the truth. I am just so preoccupied with worrying about people disliking me that I would prefer to just not even be around people because it is so overwhelming. 

I read up on Avoidant Personality Disorder, which I still strongly believe I have, a few years ago and I don't have a link to the article, nor would I even remember what website I printed the article from, but it had this part that stuck out to me:

Individuals with AvPD behave in a stiff, shy, and apprehensive manner that is disquieting to others. The very rejection they fear may be the direct result of other people becoming impatient and uncomfortable with their unremitting tension and inability to accept that they can be part of interaction without special guarantees of safety.

The WTF Of The Day

Man Allegedly Pulls Gun in Greenfield Restaurant After He Gets a Piece of Birthday Cake

Well, that's a pretty reasonable reaction, eh?

Quote Of The Day

From "Bush Comes To Dinner":

Stan: (to Haley) LIES! It's like you have to lie to live! You're a liabetic! You have liabetes! Twice a day you have to take a shot of insu-lie!

The Awesome Of The Day

I received an email from Amazon for a $3 credit towards MP3 purchases. After much googling to confirm the legitimacy of the email/offer, I took advantage of it.

Now....to decide on what to download. Some corny songs I like, but do not want to pay for? A few MGMT songs I do not have yet? Decisions, decisions!

Random Thoughts

I haven't been feeling particularly depressed lately, but the same thing has been running through my head repeatedly over the past few days, like a broken record - can someone give me one good reason as to why I should not seriously consider ending it all?

It is really starting to disappoint me how my brother-in-law is acting towards my parents. Dude, you dated my sister for 5 fucking years before you married her. You chose to enter this family! It's not like you had no idea how they are! God forgive me for saying this, but yes, they can be annoying! Very fucking annoying. Especially my father. But they are my parents! I can see that my brother-in-law is going to behave very similar to my father. And that upsets me that my mother is going to have to deal with that kind of behavior. Watching her father treat her mother like shit growing up and still to this day, her husband treat her like shit, now her son-in-law is going to be a bastard, too. I know there is that whole karma thing that supposedly exists, but what in the hell did my mother ever do to deserve this treatment?

His behavior on Saturday when we were helping them move was unacceptable. I was not there for the worst of it, when he was pitching fits about things not being done the way he wants it done, but I did see some of his behavior and I was seriously about to scream "look buddy, we are busting our asses off to help you move! Show some fucking appreciation! If you don't like how we are doing things, we'll gladly pack up our shit, go home, and leave you to do everything!".

And already one year into the marriage he is calling the shots for everything, from activities to money issues. And that my sister is allowing it to happen when she has a career and her own money, and makes much more money than her husband, further proves my point that a person can be well-educated, but have no goddamn commonsense.

People always end up being such a disappointment. I know my expectations can be a little too high for people, but it just seems like there is an overabundance of assholes in the world. Back when I worked, all I heard from my WA was how I was a best friend to her and she never wanted anything to happen to me and blah blah blah. Do I ever hear from her? No. I have made a couple attempts to keep in touch with her and it's clear she can't be bothered. But then it will end up being my fault. Just like with every other goddamn "friend" I have had. The ending of the friendship always ends up being my fault. I don't call enough. Whatever. Well, not calling enough is a little better than never calling like they always did. And then it was always "the phone works both ways!". Yeah, well then why did they never make an effort to call? I was always expected to.

It's not like I miss any of the people I was previously friends with, but it still leaves me baffled as to why it was always my fault. All I ever heard over and over and over again from these people was what a wonderful person I was and how sweet I was and such a good friend.

And the only person who did keep in touch and seemingly wanted to actually have anything to do with me is six feet under the fucking ground.

Am I saying that it never was my fault? No. Clearly I am not good with any type of relationship. I never knew how to properly be a friend, mostly because I was riddled by too much by paranoia. I was always afraid to call people for fear that I was bothering them, or that they would be rude to me.I was always too paranoid to make plans, that the person was only agreeing to go along with me to be nice, but really did not want to do them. I was rarely ever comfortable around these people, never could be myself, because they were intimidating and I knew that they liked to talk about people behind their backs. So it made me constantly on edge wondering how much talking about me they did. It was difficult to make friends with these issues. And having had so many bad experiences with former friends, and having such low self-worth/self-esteem, it's pretty much impossible for me to make friends now. I don't even try anymore.

The Awesome Of The Day

Morning Coffee (39 photos)

GET IN MY MOUTH!!

The Stupid Of The Day

Dr. Drew Allegedly Paid $275,000 To Illegally Promote GlaxoSmithKline Drugs

Oh what a shocker. This man has rubbed me the wrong way from the start. He's like the Gloria Allred of mental health. Now I really find him repulsive.

Hey, FDA, why don't you investigate the other Big Pharma companies? Do you not believe this shit goes on in other pharmaceutical companies? Oh, it does. I am sure of it. I see Pfizer (the marketer of that evil Effexor) and Eli Lilly have been nailed in the past. I am pretty sure more than those 3 do it as well, and I am sure those 3 will still continue to do so. I am also pretty sure that every psychiatrist I have been to has been handsomely rewarded for every psychiatric drug they have prescribed me. Nothing but a dollar sign or vacation or whatever to psychiatrists.

Picture(s) Of The Day

I can't stop laughing:

14 Of The Most Fabulous Animals In The Animal Kingdom

Video Of The Day

I heard this song on Friday night while flipping through the boob tube during an exceptionally bad case of insomnia and I was just completely mesmerized by it:

Bored Anal Retentive Bitch Problems

Now I know there are many annoying things to come across on Facebook (vaguebooking, boring inane status updates, political status updates, TMI status updates, the repeated improper usage of "your" vs "you're"; well, that last one exists in pretty much every corner of the internet, but I notice it more on Facebook), but another one that is starting to really annoy me is the constant competition I see within comments. Thanks to STFU Parents, I was aware of constant competition and "mommyjacking" and how this person's brat is better than that or this mommy is more tired than that mommy or you don't tired until you are a mommy WAH and all that in comments.

But I never realized until recently that it exists outside the world of ridiculous obsessive parenting status updates. It seems like every single status a friend makes, it seems someone has to compete with them in some form or another. Why? I don't get it. One day my sister posted a status about how much crap she has to pack to move and someone leaves a comment with something like oh try moving three people WAH! Does it really matter? Why does it have to be a competition?

On another note, I went to Wal-Fart earlier and there was a guy in the parking lot who looked exactly like Ben. You know, the other guy besides Andrew (hey, look, his birfday is six days before mine. And Andrew's middle name is Wells. Why do I find that so funny?). Globviously I wouldn't expect to see someone like him in a Wal-Fart parking lot, but the resemblance was so uncanny, I had to do a quadruple take to make sure it wasn't really him.

Picture Of The Day

I have been wracking my brains trying to remember which post I had seen it, and have been searching through post after post for this damn picture:

Oh No They Didn't!

That hair. That adorable face. That body. That hair on top of that adorable face on top of that body in a skintight black wetsuit. Oh my. Holy mother of Go....



Eh. It's okay. I didn't them need anyway.