And of course, no fight is complete without tearing into my having OCD. Why that has to come up in every fight, I don't know. I think that was what made me leave the room and come back in and demand to know what the hell is wrong with me crying over a song. I never did get an answer, just that I shouldn't be listening to depressing music like that. My brain is still so full of fuck.
It's been a rough few days. I won't lie- I have been feeling pretty suicidal. But no plans ever come out of it, so I don't think it is anything to worry about. More a just wish I was dead than I wish I could kill myself. And every person I think of going to, I end up deciding against it for some reason or another. I also keep thinking back to when I worked and how my WA always told me I could come over to her place if I needed to get out and talk to someone, and I have considered it, and then I remind myself that oh when was the last time we talked, and I say fuck it. My aunt always tells me that I can talk to her, and I also consider it, and then I think of how she can never make time for me or my sister and how she plays dumb to get out of doing things with us, and I say fuck it. I think of going to my sister, and then I remember how she will complain sometimes when other people talk to her that she has her own problems to deal with. And I say fuck it.
And the one person I should be able to go to, my mother, I can't even go to her, because I know what will happen. She will compare her problems to mine and make them somehow worse than mine, I'll get mad, a fight will ensue, and I will end up feeling even worse.
And as if I don't already feel shitty and never more alone in my life than right now, my mom is not even talking to me. I don't know if she just senses that I am feeling down and is backing off, or if she hates me the way she hates my father. Because that is what I feel like.
I have been having the absolute worst case of insomnia I have had in a long time. If I could get one damn good night of sleep, I will be so freaking happy. My brain will just not shut off for anything. I feel like ripping it out of my skull and shaking it. SHUT UP.
Also, I finally put in a reservation for a hotel room. The cancellation policy is good, so I have time to cancel and not be charged anything. But I am already regretting putting in the reservation. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I wish something could give me some kind of push into what I should decide to do. Either way, I am going to regret something. If I don't go, I will regret it. If I do go, I will eventually, if not immediately, regret it. And I can't make heads or tails of which would be the worst regret, although I think deep down, based on past experiences, I know I will regret going more than not going.
Why am I so goddamn incapable of making decisions?! This is probably why. I hate regret. And no matter what decision I make with anything in life, I will always regret something. And I can never figure out what will be the worst regret.
And the weather over the next few days is supposed to be chaotic, so that has me more on edge. I have been back and forth between Accuweather, TWC, and the Storm Prediction Center sites.
God, I really want a Bloomin' Onion from Outback Steakhouse right now.
ETA 7:32PM: This weather is going to give me a heart attack. Or stroke. Or possibly both.
Look at this radar:
ETA 7/28: Today- well, yesterday- I drug my sister with me to McDonald's because I wanted ice cream and I said to her that Mom considers my music depressing. She agreed with her.
I can't even with this.
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