Random Thoughts

Lauryn Hill gets 3 months for failing to pay taxes

I don't understand celebrities who don't pay their taxes. However, let me get this straight- Lauryn doesn't pay her taxes like she is supposed to and has to serve three months in prison. But Lindsay Lohan does countless stupid shit, many of which put other's lives at risk, but never has to go to jail. My God, the legal system in this country can be really fucking stupid.

ONTD's favorite model lands another magazine cover.

Hahahahahahaha, I love reading through the comments of a Kate Upton post. All the criticizing of her body. Then hop over into another post related to weight and there is "OMG STOP WITH THE BODY SHAMING WAH". It just makes me laugh. Never change, ONTD. Never change.

And speaking of shaming, I'd like to find the person whose bright idea it was to start adding "shaming" to the end of things and punch them in the face. Every fucking site I go on anymore, it's always "stop with the [insert whatever]-shaming!". Everything is shaming nowadays. And bullying. No criticizing of anything. Especially of children. Heaven forbid. I hate being criticized with the passion of a gazillion fiery suns, but that doesn't stop people from doing it. I still get criticized a lot. And I do the same thing I have been doing for years- I get upset, I consider suicide, and then I dwell on it for years. I don't even know what I am talking about anymore.

Anytime a post is made anywhere on the internet regarding weight, you know damn well it is going to get ugly. And frankly every argument is annoying. People get annoyed with the whole "real women have curves" and the description of curvy. Clearly women do come in all shapes and sizes and I do agree that naturally thin women should not be discounted as less than real. And a lot of women who use the term curvy to describe themselves clearly do not understand the word "curvy". And when it comes to the world of modeling and fashion, I tend to see a lot of the "body-shaming" shit come from naturally thin women. But I have always been under the assumption that people condemn modeling and the fashion world because these young women are starving themselves and risking their health to be thin. It's an entirely different playing field.

With all of the years I have spent on the internet, I should know by now to just stay out of any threads that involve weight, race, politics, mental illness, and suicide, because ultimately, I leave wanting to punch people in the face. Oh, and threads involving abortion. Can't forget abortion!

I have never needed a time more than lately of needing someone to talk to. I feel like I am about to lose my mind. My anxiety is getting completely out of control. I was laying in this bed this morning thinking about when I finally find a job. And then I started thinking about when winter comes, and if bad snowstorms comes, and how freaked out I get driving in the snow. And I started to get really agitated. I have horrible nasty visions of bad things happening.

And the guilt! Oh for the love of God, the guilt! I feel guilty about EVERYTHING. If I am going out with my sister, I feel guilty that I am leaving my mother home. Yes! At 29 years old! I feel guilty about pretty much 98% of my past. I am absolutely terrified to make any decisions for fear something bad will happen and then I will feel guilty for making that decision. For example- if I am out, and somebody asks me if I have anywhere to go, I am terrified that I will say yes and something happens, and then I will regret saying yes and blame myself for whatever happened. But then I start to wonder, well, what if I say no, and something happens on the way home? Then I will regret not saying yes. And I go back and forth about which would be the best decision to make, and since I can't figure out the answer, I get really anxious and upset and break down in tears. This is the kind of ridiculous bullshit I deal with ALL DAY, DAY IN, DAY OUT. And probably the reason why I am completely incapable of making decisions. I am so sick of it. 

The WTF Of The Day

Pro-Anorexia Site "Skinny Gossip": Kate Upton Is a "Fatty" 

That's fat? Okay, so she is a lot meatier than most models- and that SI cover was not flattering; big titties do not belong in triangle top bikinis- but fat? No freaking way. Her body is fine.

And knowing that someone I have much respect for contributes, in an indirect way, to this monsterish world of starving yourself to look good really, REALLY disappoints me, because I would have thought this person was a lot better than that.

I generally try to be compassionate towards most people with mental illness, but pro-anas/mias are where I draw the line. Harming others is unacceptable. I still to this day cannot, and probably never will, comprehend encouraging others to deliberately self-harm themselves. I have binged, purged, cut myself, banged my wrists and hands, banged my head, etc and I beg others to PLEASE never, EVER do anything like that if you can help it.

Right now I am trying to do everything in my power to not start banging my head against the wall because my hormones are all over the place and I am feeling really depressed and shitty. I just wish my period would come on so I can feel better. But then if it comes soon, it will be early, which will kick start the part of my brain that always has me convinced there is something wrong with me. The Addison's fear has went away some again, but it still will not just completely disappear. Feeling this depressed is suffocating. I feel like I have a heavy lead blanket over me. I have no plans to attempt suicide or harm myself in anyway, but I am not going to deny that I am feeling pretty suicidal right now. I just want to lie down, close my eyes, and that is it.

And the thing making me feel the worst is I got news the other day that reminds me why I should stick around, and is really making it difficult to consider suicide.

Nobody should ever have to feel this way.

And for the love of God, medicine is not always the answer.

ETA 7/13: Skinny Gossip blogger who called Kate Upton fat has change of heart, removes ‘Starving Tips of the Day’ 

Good. I am glad to hear that.

Look, websites like that infuriate me, but death and rape threats? Really?