:(

I can tell I am [hopefully] due for my period soon. I have been so damn emotional, it's ridiculous. Friday morning, I saw a news segment on gay marriage being allowed in PA and all these gay people wedding and I got all choked up. Last night I had several nightmares. Don't remember most of them, but I know one involved a kitten being put to sleep and I woke up hysterical crying and hyperventilating. Also, last night "Demons" by Imagine Dragons came on- I cried. I cried when I was driving home and a deer almost ran out in front of me. Then when I got off my bike earlier, "Caught by the Light" by the Boxer Rebellion came on and I sat down on my floor and just sobbed.

Earlier, I went on this website with my mom virtualwall.org, a website for the Vietnam Wall. As I have said before, my mom's brother was drafted and freakishly killed by electrocution in Vietnam. And one thing that always sticks with me that my mom says is that her brother was a lover, not a fighter, e.g. he believed in peace and would have never went to war by choice. And we found his profile and under casualty type it said "Hostile, died outright". It gave me the chills when I read it, even though I know the gist of how he died. And it's been eating at me all night.

I also want to note that in my last post, I am absolutely NOT implying I am a sympathizer of the Cali shooter. No way, no how. Far from it. I only said I feel for him because I know what it's like to not have friends and to be rejected. That's it. Outside of that, none whatsoever. And now that I am hearing some of the shit he said in his videos, he needs to be shot in the balls. You want to live in a world where women fear men? Have a seat, boy. A whole colosseum. If you loathe women that much, then move to the fucking Middle East. Your asinine ideology will be largely embraced.

ETA 12:46AM: actually scratch the last part of the paragraph- I had no idea the little prick was dead. And my mom was telling me about it last night and I think she said it was the family's lawyer or something who said something needs to be done about mental health care in the country. GEE, YOU THINK? Except here is the deal, buddy- as long as people like this little prick keep doing this stupid shit and making the news, THE STIGMA OF MENTAL HEALTH WILL NEVER BE ERASED. I mean, forget that there are millions of people with mental illness out there who pose no threat to others other than maybe themselves. It's these few and the media that have to make the rest of us look bad.

Also, I take back 50% of the embarrassment I was feeling for that Tartlr post, as I can see what she was getting at now. However, I still think it is stupid to discount the deaths of the male victims simply for the reason they were male. I know I can be just a bit of a misandrist, but this new breed of feminists who just believe all males are evil and rapists is a little frightening.

Random Thoughts

I was reading about that mass shooting in California yesterday and apparently the kid was pissed off about having little or no friends and being a 22 year-old virgin and girls rejecting him. Now I feel for him for that part. But you don't fucking kill or harm people over it.

I just read a Tartlr feminist's response to another person's response to the shooting....oh honey, the embarrassment I feel for you right now is almost embarrassing. Then again, this is the same person who complained about Andrew wearing sweatpants in a recent show, but once said she would defend leggings as pants to the death. LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS.

With all of these mass shootings that have started occurring over the years, you'd think people would stop and rethink bullying someone. Like a bully never stops and thinks oh if I bully this person, there is a chance they could decide to go batshit and kill me one day? Or is that what a life without fear and anxiety is like? You don't ever worry about that shit?

I often hear stories about people running into their bullies years after high school and the bullies apologize for how they behaved. If the kid who made my life a living hell in sixth grade ever apologized to me, I'd tell him to go rot in hell. Too little too late prick. And I hate when people get on me for allowing him to destroy my self-esteem so badly. I was 12 to 13 years old. Do you know what the self-esteem of a girl that age is like? Like super soft clay.

But knowing what the people I went to high school with were like and how they still act based on the alumni page (not one of them has changed the least little bit), I'd never get an apology. That big headed (literally and figuratively) asshole would still think he did nothing wrong. Oh no. I'm guessing calling someone a fat fuck and singing "Dude Looks Like A Lady" as she walks down the hallway is always an appropriate way to talk to a pre-teen girl.

I went out on a girl's (and one boy) night last night and it wasn't too bad. Until about almost 10 when I started to get that panicky feeling that I needed to get home or else. I was ready to have a meltdown. And a little before that, it was getting close to 9PM, the time I usually have dessert on the weekends, and I didn't have anything yet and I was about to have a meltdown. This shit is ridiculous, living every aspect of my life by the clock.

Also, I finally get a three day weekend and I hurt my back. OH JOY.