I went to see my grandparents today. My grandmom is mega emotional and burst into tears as soon as we came in the door. I know they're both in their 90's, but sheesh seeing them look the way they do is tough. Same with my parents, my furry niece, etc.
Getting old really freaking blows.
Since I started taking Prozac, I feel like my disease crises have been minimal and short-lived. However, it seems it's no longer working. This obsession over what is going on with my digestive system and worrying that I have H. pylori is taking a toll on me right now. I stopped taking Pepcid the other day because it seemed like it was making my anxiety worse, it was giving me terrible back and leg pain, blowing me up to no end, and it was constipating me. I don't seem to be having terrible heartburn since then or the return of that godawful burning hunger feeling (knock on wood), but I still have an annoying feeling in my throat and that godawful taste coming from either my throat or stomach. I don't even want to talk to anyone because I'm so worried how bad I might smell from it. I'm terrified of eating, that it's going to make me sick/vomit, I'm going to get full easy (seriously, I never get full), that the burning hunger feeling is going to return, you name it.
Then I'm worried about the treatment if I do have H. pylori. Typically two antibiotics, which is like a damn nightmare to me, considering how bad one antibiotic affects me. It's not like I've never done two at one time. When I had endometritis, I had to take Flagyl and doxy. It wasn't the worse thing in the world....until the end, when I nearly got impacted. It was horrible. I could barely even sit. Let me just say thank god for enemas.
And if I do have it, I'm going to be wracked with guilt wondering if I may have infected anyone with it, since it apparently is contagious. And if I did, I'll feel horrible.
What never ceases to amaze me is how when it comes to these disease crises, it's never anything that is really that substantially big. It's not the least bit impossible for me to have cancer, yet it's not even on the top of my list of things to worry about.
On another note, happy birthday to the beautiful Mr. Vanwyngarden (yes, I do still have a megacrush on him and despite coming to the conclusion that I'm basically asexual....I still would.)
Showing posts with label Andrew VanWyngarden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Andrew VanWyngarden. Show all posts
Saturday, February 1, 2020
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
I see my favorite Tartlrer is jumping on her SJW high horse and reposting shit defending Kanye for his little sissy tantrum at the Grammy's. I won't even start on people who can seriously defend Kanye. Honey, just stick to posting about MGMT. And while you're at it, enough with the posting pictures of Andrew and Camille and whining about how they're not together anymore. I hate resorting to a Frozen reference, but JFC LET IT GO.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Damn You Louis Armstrong
Just heard "What A Wonderful World" for the first time in a long time and now I am a blubbery snotty mess. Don't know why that song gets to me the way it does.
Now I have the joy of going to bed and worrying I won't sleep or I'll wake up too early and/or overheated and that I will get up in the morning and my period still won't be here.
7:26AM: Well, I actually slept pretty great. But still no clear signs of a period.
10:35PM: I think I can [temporarily] breathe a sigh of relief.
I see Andrew has lost his mind on Twitter again. Also,where has Simon been on Twitter? Pretty sure he doesn't go more than a few days without opening his mouth. It's been almost 2 weeks.
Now I have the joy of going to bed and worrying I won't sleep or I'll wake up too early and/or overheated and that I will get up in the morning and my period still won't be here.
7:26AM: Well, I actually slept pretty great. But still no clear signs of a period.
10:35PM: I think I can [temporarily] breathe a sigh of relief.
I see Andrew has lost his mind on Twitter again. Also,where has Simon been on Twitter? Pretty sure he doesn't go more than a few days without opening his mouth. It's been almost 2 weeks.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Random Thoughts
I was on that one Tartlr page last week and someone had asked the girl to post pictures of Andrew and his ex and a minor storm brewed between the girl, who loves Andrews's ex so much it's creepy, and some anonymous person who apparently dislikes her. It was embarrassing. These people who are obsessed with them are creepy, whether they dislike her or love her.
After I ate lunch earlier, I got back on the computer and my local news had posted a story that a white John Doe was found in the Schuylkill River and as soon as I saw it, I thought I bet it is Shane Montgomery. Not even 5 minutes later, another story popped up that it was him. I very rarely cry at news stories, but I did when I seen that. How sad. Obviously at this point the chances of finding him alive were super slim, but still. His poor parents. And like my sister asked, it is worse that they found him after the holidays or would it have been worse before?
And those poor people on the Air Asia flight. And their poor families. And even worse for the families of the Malaysian Flight 370, because they have still yet to find that.
And going to annoying people, my FWA posted of Facebook earlier that her brat has a cold and Mommy isn't happy! Get used to it, honey- kids are germ magnets and catch shit all of the time! And she really better get used to it if her brat is anything like her and "catches" everything, although I fully doubt she ever catches anything. But we all know she'll use her daughter being sick as an excuse to get out of work as much as possible. Her time off accrual was up one day- she went into the new year at almost -37 hours of paid time off and almost -220 hours of unpaid time off. Two hundred and twenty hours of unpaid time off! She's has to be making well over $14 an hour at this point, so if you figure she makes about $14.50, do some math, and that's over $3,100 a year before taxes that she is not getting paid. And then she has the balls to stand there and whine about never having money? Try working more, you stupid cow! Although I wouldn't put it past her to keep her pay at a certain amount so she can continue getting WIC.
She just posted this on Facebook about 10 minutes ago:
Oh, grow the fuck up.
After I ate lunch earlier, I got back on the computer and my local news had posted a story that a white John Doe was found in the Schuylkill River and as soon as I saw it, I thought I bet it is Shane Montgomery. Not even 5 minutes later, another story popped up that it was him. I very rarely cry at news stories, but I did when I seen that. How sad. Obviously at this point the chances of finding him alive were super slim, but still. His poor parents. And like my sister asked, it is worse that they found him after the holidays or would it have been worse before?
And those poor people on the Air Asia flight. And their poor families. And even worse for the families of the Malaysian Flight 370, because they have still yet to find that.
And going to annoying people, my FWA posted of Facebook earlier that her brat has a cold and Mommy isn't happy! Get used to it, honey- kids are germ magnets and catch shit all of the time! And she really better get used to it if her brat is anything like her and "catches" everything, although I fully doubt she ever catches anything. But we all know she'll use her daughter being sick as an excuse to get out of work as much as possible. Her time off accrual was up one day- she went into the new year at almost -37 hours of paid time off and almost -220 hours of unpaid time off. Two hundred and twenty hours of unpaid time off! She's has to be making well over $14 an hour at this point, so if you figure she makes about $14.50, do some math, and that's over $3,100 a year before taxes that she is not getting paid. And then she has the balls to stand there and whine about never having money? Try working more, you stupid cow! Although I wouldn't put it past her to keep her pay at a certain amount so she can continue getting WIC.
She just posted this on Facebook about 10 minutes ago:
Oh, grow the fuck up.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Ugh
As per my usual routine, I visited all my usual web sites when I came home. One of which is MGMT's Twatter page. All I have to say is WUT.
Look, I am not going to knock Andrew for having an opinion on what I assume is to be Ferguson and the whole police brutality thing. What I have an issue with is him complaining about others not speaking out. I'm sorry, why do people need to have an opinion and/or speak out on this? Maybe, just maybe, some people don't truly have an opinion on it. Maybe people don't have an opinion on it BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT THERE TO KNOW THE TRUE STORY. Like 99.9% of things in life, I am very ambivalent towards the case. Honestly, I don't think Michael Brown was entirely innocent in the whole thing, but I also don't think the cop was in the right either. Then again, I am not a cop, so what do I know when my life is being threatened? If it really was being threatened? Again, I was not there so I don't truly know what was going on between the 2 men.
The Eric Garner case, I am more inclined to form an opinion. I think that whole entire situation was just disgusting. The guy was repeatedly saying he couldn't breathe, for the love of God.
The only thing I am sure of is I do believe that racial profiling exists big time. And I disagree with the destructive rioting and looting. The cynic in me wonders how many of the people rioting and looting really give a flying fuck about the case. I seen a picture of a woman crying whose bakery was destroyed by these assholes and I felt so bad for her. I was glad to read a few days later that more than $200,000 was raised for her to rebuild her business.
Or maybe some people won't put out an opinion because they know whatever they say will be met with criticism. This is one of those situations where no matter which side you take, you're going to get reamed out by someone for it. And I think even if Taylor Swift was to say something about it, someone would eventually tell her she's just a basic white bitch who needs to sit down. I don't doubt it for one second. I can just see all the privileged white girl social justice warriors on ONTD losing their FREAKING minds at her. I can also see those same bitches tearing Andrew another asshole just for the sole reason of being a white boy. So, in the end, there is no win.
And clearly Andrew doesn't pay attention to shit, because if he did, he would know that Wayne Coyne is too busy partying with Miley Cyrus to offer an opinion on the whole situation.
ETA 9:40PM: This didn't occur to me until just now, but a big thing being posted on my local news' Facebook page when all the rioting and shit started was a picture of Autumn Pasquale and something about how when she was killed, no one rioted. If no one knows the story, she was a white tween girl killed by 2 black teen boys. Yes, it is true, no one did riot. Instead, Mommy and Daddy want to sue the police for not doing enough. That is just laughable. They found that girl in about 48 hours, give or take. That town was torn right side up to find her. And no matter when they found her, she would have been dead.
That story made me aware of just how true that whole thing about white girls missing being big news. During the same time she was missing, this absolutely adorable baby Indian girl was kidnapped and I barely heard squat about her. Every so often my local news would report on it, but not nearly as much as Autumn Pasquale and it pissed me off that the news didn't follow it more. Sadly, she ended up being found dead, but her killer, who I think was her uncle or something and had also killed the baby's grandmother, was just recently sentenced to death. One of the few times I fully support the death penalty.
Look, I am not going to knock Andrew for having an opinion on what I assume is to be Ferguson and the whole police brutality thing. What I have an issue with is him complaining about others not speaking out. I'm sorry, why do people need to have an opinion and/or speak out on this? Maybe, just maybe, some people don't truly have an opinion on it. Maybe people don't have an opinion on it BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT THERE TO KNOW THE TRUE STORY. Like 99.9% of things in life, I am very ambivalent towards the case. Honestly, I don't think Michael Brown was entirely innocent in the whole thing, but I also don't think the cop was in the right either. Then again, I am not a cop, so what do I know when my life is being threatened? If it really was being threatened? Again, I was not there so I don't truly know what was going on between the 2 men.
The Eric Garner case, I am more inclined to form an opinion. I think that whole entire situation was just disgusting. The guy was repeatedly saying he couldn't breathe, for the love of God.
The only thing I am sure of is I do believe that racial profiling exists big time. And I disagree with the destructive rioting and looting. The cynic in me wonders how many of the people rioting and looting really give a flying fuck about the case. I seen a picture of a woman crying whose bakery was destroyed by these assholes and I felt so bad for her. I was glad to read a few days later that more than $200,000 was raised for her to rebuild her business.
Or maybe some people won't put out an opinion because they know whatever they say will be met with criticism. This is one of those situations where no matter which side you take, you're going to get reamed out by someone for it. And I think even if Taylor Swift was to say something about it, someone would eventually tell her she's just a basic white bitch who needs to sit down. I don't doubt it for one second. I can just see all the privileged white girl social justice warriors on ONTD losing their FREAKING minds at her. I can also see those same bitches tearing Andrew another asshole just for the sole reason of being a white boy. So, in the end, there is no win.
And clearly Andrew doesn't pay attention to shit, because if he did, he would know that Wayne Coyne is too busy partying with Miley Cyrus to offer an opinion on the whole situation.
ETA 9:40PM: This didn't occur to me until just now, but a big thing being posted on my local news' Facebook page when all the rioting and shit started was a picture of Autumn Pasquale and something about how when she was killed, no one rioted. If no one knows the story, she was a white tween girl killed by 2 black teen boys. Yes, it is true, no one did riot. Instead, Mommy and Daddy want to sue the police for not doing enough. That is just laughable. They found that girl in about 48 hours, give or take. That town was torn right side up to find her. And no matter when they found her, she would have been dead.
That story made me aware of just how true that whole thing about white girls missing being big news. During the same time she was missing, this absolutely adorable baby Indian girl was kidnapped and I barely heard squat about her. Every so often my local news would report on it, but not nearly as much as Autumn Pasquale and it pissed me off that the news didn't follow it more. Sadly, she ended up being found dead, but her killer, who I think was her uncle or something and had also killed the baby's grandmother, was just recently sentenced to death. One of the few times I fully support the death penalty.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Random Thoughts
As if I didn't need any more proof that the influx of new ONTDers were delusional wack jobs, one day someone posted an article about musician I have never heard of stealing the bassline from "Electric Feel". Here is one genius comment:
Worst song to ever happen to music? Are you for real? Even if I wasn't a hardcore MGMT stan, I still would not call it the worst song to ever happen to music. Just look at the Billboard charts and you can find plenty of songs on there that are just downright awful.
God, there are some stupid people on that site anymore.
And yes, I still stan hard for MGMT. I know I haven't discussed them much lately, but oh damn do I still adore them. I can't believe it's already been almost 1 year since I saw them last. I NEED TO SEE THEM AGAIN. My crush on Andrew has kind of cooled down. Don't get me wrong- I still think he is flawless as hell and I would marry him in a heartbeat and have a million babies with him (maybe), but he's moved from being the king of my celebrity crushes to the hall of celebrities I will eternally love (although frankly I find labeling him a celebrity to be insulting). The throne is pretty much open, although I have to say I have kind of developed a fascination with that Simon guy (from Kuroma). He's hot. You want to talk guys with strange hair? There you go. It's more normal looking now, but still pretty out there. Normally I wouldn't care for guys who bleach their hair, but for some reason or another, it works for him. Also, I wish I could find the link again (too lazy to look for it again) but there is a picture of him and Andrew and apparently they have matching tattoos. I....I don't know what to think of that.
And speaking of MGMT, fan pictures are posted a lot on that one Tartlr page I follow and I always have to laugh at how the girls in the pictures are always like "me and Andrew (or whichever band member) tee hee me looking all ugly tee hee". Aw, does someone need validation? Ugh, it's so annoying. Sure, I say I am ugly all of the time, but I genuinely mean it. I genuinely think I am hideous and no amount of reassurance from others can change my mind. These bitches just want all of their little Tartlr friends to rush in and say omg you SOOOOO don't look ugly!
And going back to stupid people, back when I first started back at my workplace, my manager told me that she'll generally allow us to go to appointments and if we're not using PTO, then we can take it unpaid as long as it is under 4 hours and we have a doctor's notes. And then she went on to tell me how notes weren't previously necessary but one day they found out an employee was leaving and saying she was going to a doctor's appointment, but was actually going to get her nails done. And I don't know how I didn't suspect it at the time, but I ended up finding out from one of my coworkers that the employee going to get her nails done was none other than my FWA. She really is one brazen bitch, isn't she? And the fact that she knowingly lied and was basically found out and is still there will forever boggle my mind. I am starting to feel like she could come in and shoot up the place and she would still have a job afterwards.
I finally decided on days to take off one night and the next day I went in with my list and when I opened my email, there was a message about our holiday luncheon and it was for one of the days I planned to take off. To say I was ecstatic is an understatement. When I gave my boss the dates she was all disappointed that I wanted off the date of the party and then started questioning why she even planned it for that day. I kept hinting that it wasn't a big deal. Not even 5 minutes after I left the office, we get an email that the date was changed. So now I am still stuck having to attend. I felt like upending my desk and screaming every curse word under the sun.
I just pure dread going into work now. I am so damn stressed out and it's affecting my work and now I am getting stressed because I don't feel I am pulling my weight, which in turn is making me even more stressed and affecting my work even more. It's a never ending cycle.
And speaking of stress and cycles, earlier I went to do something and leaned on my breasts and they hurt. And I have felt crampy in my lower back and thighs all day. Not to mention I have had episodes of dizziness, nausea, and some other not so pleasant things and now I am in panic overdrive that my period is going to come early, as these are symptoms I typically experience before it comes. Plus yesterday my heart was doing that thing where it feels like it stops, then starts up with a bang- another thing I sometimes experience before it comes. I have never so badly needed to talk to a doctor as I do now. My mind is so consumed over perimenopause that I could probably have a cancerous lump growing out of my head or my left arm ripped off and I wouldn't even notice. I am beyond desperate to know what is going on, although at this point, if it's something that could potentially be deadly, I really couldn't care.
Like I have said before, I can't imagine how awful someone must be feeling when they actually attempt suicide. I feel so horrible and I still can't bring myself to actually attempting it. Or even coming up with a plan for that matter. I can't even imagine feeling lower than I already do. I just think about death all of the damn time. I go out for a 10 minute walk during work and every time I walk along side the road, I think gee, what would happen if I were to throw myself in front of a car? That evil part of my brain practically has a boner if a tractor trailer is coming. Every time I see Christmas stuff I just want to cry. I can't stand how awful I feel. It's insufferable.
And going back to the 10 minute walk part, I briefly wondered if the fact that I started walking more if that is why I had that bizarre lengthy episode of spotting and I thought, JFC what am I supposed to do? Stop walking? Not something I should really be asking myself right now, eh? Also, quite a few times I have hurt my back and my mom always says "you need to watch out with back problems; you don't want to end up paralyzed or something". Oh Mom, if you only knew.
Worst song to ever happen to music? Are you for real? Even if I wasn't a hardcore MGMT stan, I still would not call it the worst song to ever happen to music. Just look at the Billboard charts and you can find plenty of songs on there that are just downright awful.
God, there are some stupid people on that site anymore.
And yes, I still stan hard for MGMT. I know I haven't discussed them much lately, but oh damn do I still adore them. I can't believe it's already been almost 1 year since I saw them last. I NEED TO SEE THEM AGAIN. My crush on Andrew has kind of cooled down. Don't get me wrong- I still think he is flawless as hell and I would marry him in a heartbeat and have a million babies with him (maybe), but he's moved from being the king of my celebrity crushes to the hall of celebrities I will eternally love (although frankly I find labeling him a celebrity to be insulting). The throne is pretty much open, although I have to say I have kind of developed a fascination with that Simon guy (from Kuroma). He's hot. You want to talk guys with strange hair? There you go. It's more normal looking now, but still pretty out there. Normally I wouldn't care for guys who bleach their hair, but for some reason or another, it works for him. Also, I wish I could find the link again (too lazy to look for it again) but there is a picture of him and Andrew and apparently they have matching tattoos. I....I don't know what to think of that.
And speaking of MGMT, fan pictures are posted a lot on that one Tartlr page I follow and I always have to laugh at how the girls in the pictures are always like "me and Andrew (or whichever band member) tee hee me looking all ugly tee hee". Aw, does someone need validation? Ugh, it's so annoying. Sure, I say I am ugly all of the time, but I genuinely mean it. I genuinely think I am hideous and no amount of reassurance from others can change my mind. These bitches just want all of their little Tartlr friends to rush in and say omg you SOOOOO don't look ugly!
And going back to stupid people, back when I first started back at my workplace, my manager told me that she'll generally allow us to go to appointments and if we're not using PTO, then we can take it unpaid as long as it is under 4 hours and we have a doctor's notes. And then she went on to tell me how notes weren't previously necessary but one day they found out an employee was leaving and saying she was going to a doctor's appointment, but was actually going to get her nails done. And I don't know how I didn't suspect it at the time, but I ended up finding out from one of my coworkers that the employee going to get her nails done was none other than my FWA. She really is one brazen bitch, isn't she? And the fact that she knowingly lied and was basically found out and is still there will forever boggle my mind. I am starting to feel like she could come in and shoot up the place and she would still have a job afterwards.
I finally decided on days to take off one night and the next day I went in with my list and when I opened my email, there was a message about our holiday luncheon and it was for one of the days I planned to take off. To say I was ecstatic is an understatement. When I gave my boss the dates she was all disappointed that I wanted off the date of the party and then started questioning why she even planned it for that day. I kept hinting that it wasn't a big deal. Not even 5 minutes after I left the office, we get an email that the date was changed. So now I am still stuck having to attend. I felt like upending my desk and screaming every curse word under the sun.
I just pure dread going into work now. I am so damn stressed out and it's affecting my work and now I am getting stressed because I don't feel I am pulling my weight, which in turn is making me even more stressed and affecting my work even more. It's a never ending cycle.
And speaking of stress and cycles, earlier I went to do something and leaned on my breasts and they hurt. And I have felt crampy in my lower back and thighs all day. Not to mention I have had episodes of dizziness, nausea, and some other not so pleasant things and now I am in panic overdrive that my period is going to come early, as these are symptoms I typically experience before it comes. Plus yesterday my heart was doing that thing where it feels like it stops, then starts up with a bang- another thing I sometimes experience before it comes. I have never so badly needed to talk to a doctor as I do now. My mind is so consumed over perimenopause that I could probably have a cancerous lump growing out of my head or my left arm ripped off and I wouldn't even notice. I am beyond desperate to know what is going on, although at this point, if it's something that could potentially be deadly, I really couldn't care.
Like I have said before, I can't imagine how awful someone must be feeling when they actually attempt suicide. I feel so horrible and I still can't bring myself to actually attempting it. Or even coming up with a plan for that matter. I can't even imagine feeling lower than I already do. I just think about death all of the damn time. I go out for a 10 minute walk during work and every time I walk along side the road, I think gee, what would happen if I were to throw myself in front of a car? That evil part of my brain practically has a boner if a tractor trailer is coming. Every time I see Christmas stuff I just want to cry. I can't stand how awful I feel. It's insufferable.
And going back to the 10 minute walk part, I briefly wondered if the fact that I started walking more if that is why I had that bizarre lengthy episode of spotting and I thought, JFC what am I supposed to do? Stop walking? Not something I should really be asking myself right now, eh? Also, quite a few times I have hurt my back and my mom always says "you need to watch out with back problems; you don't want to end up paralyzed or something". Oh Mom, if you only knew.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Random Thoughts
When we were going to the eye doctor on Monday, we passed by my high school and marching band was practicing on the fools ball field. Probably doing their 3PM to 6PM practice like we always did. Man, I do NOT miss those days one bit. Fools ball games and competitions, that's about it. Those were fun. But the rest of it, the people, the instructors, etc- you can have it.
Actually, I don't miss anything about high school. If I could physically reach into my brain and physically pull out my high school memories and destroy them, I totally would.
I am so damn nauseous and bloated right now I could scream. My period needs to come on soon. Tomorrow is my "due" date so hopefully it will come on. Otherwise a meltdown will ensue.
Last night was probably one of the best nights I slept in a while. I don't think it took me long to fall asleep and I stayed sleeping until sometime around 4 (stupid bladder) then I climbed back into bed and slept until 6:15AM. It was nice, because I am so over this insomnia shit. The only night I ever seem to get a really good night's sleep anymore are Friday nights.
It needs to be the weekend already.
Oh wait, my brother-in-law is fucking it up.
And the following one as well.
And here is a good one for y'all- my FWA came back from lunch two minutes early.
And last but not least- is the header on MGMT's Twitter page supposed to be a drawing of Andrew? Because it certainly looks like it is.
Actually, I don't miss anything about high school. If I could physically reach into my brain and physically pull out my high school memories and destroy them, I totally would.
I am so damn nauseous and bloated right now I could scream. My period needs to come on soon. Tomorrow is my "due" date so hopefully it will come on. Otherwise a meltdown will ensue.
Last night was probably one of the best nights I slept in a while. I don't think it took me long to fall asleep and I stayed sleeping until sometime around 4 (stupid bladder) then I climbed back into bed and slept until 6:15AM. It was nice, because I am so over this insomnia shit. The only night I ever seem to get a really good night's sleep anymore are Friday nights.
It needs to be the weekend already.
Oh wait, my brother-in-law is fucking it up.
And the following one as well.
And here is a good one for y'all- my FWA came back from lunch two minutes early.
And last but not least- is the header on MGMT's Twitter page supposed to be a drawing of Andrew? Because it certainly looks like it is.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Tweet Of The Day
Any leaked nude photos of Baggy are not real they are FAKE everyone just fucking chill
— MMMGGGMMMTTT (@whoisMGMT) September 1, 2014
Can you see why I love this man?
Monday, August 11, 2014
Dafuq
Was just on MGMT's Twitter page. Has Andrew lost his mind?
Also, oven baked Cheetos are actually pretty good.
And speaking of dafuq, I actually slept pretty well last night. Of course, I was up an hour before I needed to wake up and never fell back asleep. Had knots in my stomach the whole way to work. Got there and 3 of my coworkers were outside. The first thing our most senior employee, the one who was on vacation the same week I was out, said to me was "good for you!" and later on she told me she was really proud of me. Everyone in the office apparently was proud of me. Don't know what to say to that or whether to believe it, but whatever.
Anyway, I only had 2 emails and one was something about our system malfunctioning one day and another was from Ms. Croquette in response to my email about having a doctor's appointment. I had already clocked out and was out the door when she sent it. It simply said "was this a planned appointment?". First thing I thought was JFC are you kidding me? I refuse to reply to it, although I'd like to reply to it with "you know what? No it wasn't a planned appointment. It was a my employers decided to be bastards and not give me three lousy days off that I desperately needed and I got myself so sick and upset IN ADDITION TO OTHER STRESSES that I had no choice but to go to the doctor to get something to calm me down and get me out of work or else I would end up buying a gun and blowing my brains out appointment." Fuck you, bitch.
Also, oven baked Cheetos are actually pretty good.
And speaking of dafuq, I actually slept pretty well last night. Of course, I was up an hour before I needed to wake up and never fell back asleep. Had knots in my stomach the whole way to work. Got there and 3 of my coworkers were outside. The first thing our most senior employee, the one who was on vacation the same week I was out, said to me was "good for you!" and later on she told me she was really proud of me. Everyone in the office apparently was proud of me. Don't know what to say to that or whether to believe it, but whatever.
Anyway, I only had 2 emails and one was something about our system malfunctioning one day and another was from Ms. Croquette in response to my email about having a doctor's appointment. I had already clocked out and was out the door when she sent it. It simply said "was this a planned appointment?". First thing I thought was JFC are you kidding me? I refuse to reply to it, although I'd like to reply to it with "you know what? No it wasn't a planned appointment. It was a my employers decided to be bastards and not give me three lousy days off that I desperately needed and I got myself so sick and upset IN ADDITION TO OTHER STRESSES that I had no choice but to go to the doctor to get something to calm me down and get me out of work or else I would end up buying a gun and blowing my brains out appointment." Fuck you, bitch.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Random Thoughts
I don't know what it is about their music, but every time I listen to the Neighbourhood- all of the 2 songs I know- it reminds me of the shore. God, do I love the song "Afraid". It's such a great song, although I have to say the first time I watched the video, the lead singer looked absolutely nothing like I expected. I pictured some dorky skinny preppy thing, not a skinny guy covered in tattoos and 2 different hair colors. I should listen to their album sometime.
Come to think of it, the first time I saw a picture of Andrew, he was nothing like I expected either.
Well, my shore trip is done and over with. And it had a big black cloud over it. I tried to push the whole fiasco with work out of my head, I really did, but it just would not budge, along with it's fellow cellmate premature menopause. And I am really pissed at myself for allowing both to ruin my trip. On my last day, I felt so horribly depressed and hopeless I felt like I was going to suffocate from it. It was so unbearable I kept wishing I would just drop dead or that I'd get the guts to kill myself because I couldn't stand feeling so horrible.
The whole situation with work probably doesn't sound all that bad, but it just has me feeling so down and horrible and I am dreading returning to work on Monday. I wish I didn't have to go back. My concentration levels and work productivity were bad enough before all of this happened. It's going to be worse because this will now be weighing on my mind.
It just pisses me off because the whole situation was unnecessary. Everyone knows damn well my boss would have probably approved it. I hadn't had a personal day off since February because I was too damn afraid to take off while my FWA was out on maternity leave. I did fucking overtime every time I was asked, overtime to pick up the slack of everyone else who was off and enjoying their time. All I wanted was 3 days off. Three goddamn days. That's all.
And I keep feeling like this whole thing will not be over when I return. And I dread what kind of emails I may return to. I wish I still had the link to check my mail like when I used to work there before (I deleted the link after I was laid off). All I know is I better not find my email response back to my boss's boss about being told not to enter anything into our pay system missing from my mailbox. Sure it sounds paranoid but I wouldn't put it past those assholes to play dirty like that. And the last thing I am in the mood for right now is playing dirty.
My boss is supposed to come back sometime this week. I don't even want to look at her right now. Actually, none of us do. We're all pretty pissed with her right now.
The first day down the shore, it seemed like my period had ended, but then later on I started bleeding again some and that, of course, lead to a freakout. And my bladder didn't seem to bother me at all during my whole period, now it's bothering me again some. The corners of my eyes are itching like crazy. My eyes have been feeling irritated for about a month. And since I came home, my back has been itching like crazy, as well as my arms and belly. Something new is always coming along and further convincing me of early menopause. And the severe depression and anxiety are only convincing me more. During one of my most recent meltdowns I started to think "am I having this meltdown because I am in perimenopause?" which lead to a bigger meltdown. I am so done with this. I honestly don't know how much more I can take.
And during one of the many times I broke down in tears, my mom was hugging me and she said "I'm sorry I gave you mental illness". I never felt so horrible in my life.
Other than these problems ailing me, and minus the nightmare with my nephew on the first night (he would not go to sleep and screamed ungodly for at least a good 2 hours; I love my nephew, but that scream has got to go), it was a nice 3 days. Too much delicious bad food. I was disappointed the night we went to Hassle's for ice cream because all I wanted was a sundae with mint chocolate chip (best mint ever), hot fudge, and wet walnuts and we get there and they were out of mint chocolate chip. A whole year of waiting to have that sundae!
Come to think of it, the first time I saw a picture of Andrew, he was nothing like I expected either.
Well, my shore trip is done and over with. And it had a big black cloud over it. I tried to push the whole fiasco with work out of my head, I really did, but it just would not budge, along with it's fellow cellmate premature menopause. And I am really pissed at myself for allowing both to ruin my trip. On my last day, I felt so horribly depressed and hopeless I felt like I was going to suffocate from it. It was so unbearable I kept wishing I would just drop dead or that I'd get the guts to kill myself because I couldn't stand feeling so horrible.
The whole situation with work probably doesn't sound all that bad, but it just has me feeling so down and horrible and I am dreading returning to work on Monday. I wish I didn't have to go back. My concentration levels and work productivity were bad enough before all of this happened. It's going to be worse because this will now be weighing on my mind.
It just pisses me off because the whole situation was unnecessary. Everyone knows damn well my boss would have probably approved it. I hadn't had a personal day off since February because I was too damn afraid to take off while my FWA was out on maternity leave. I did fucking overtime every time I was asked, overtime to pick up the slack of everyone else who was off and enjoying their time. All I wanted was 3 days off. Three goddamn days. That's all.
And I keep feeling like this whole thing will not be over when I return. And I dread what kind of emails I may return to. I wish I still had the link to check my mail like when I used to work there before (I deleted the link after I was laid off). All I know is I better not find my email response back to my boss's boss about being told not to enter anything into our pay system missing from my mailbox. Sure it sounds paranoid but I wouldn't put it past those assholes to play dirty like that. And the last thing I am in the mood for right now is playing dirty.
My boss is supposed to come back sometime this week. I don't even want to look at her right now. Actually, none of us do. We're all pretty pissed with her right now.
The first day down the shore, it seemed like my period had ended, but then later on I started bleeding again some and that, of course, lead to a freakout. And my bladder didn't seem to bother me at all during my whole period, now it's bothering me again some. The corners of my eyes are itching like crazy. My eyes have been feeling irritated for about a month. And since I came home, my back has been itching like crazy, as well as my arms and belly. Something new is always coming along and further convincing me of early menopause. And the severe depression and anxiety are only convincing me more. During one of my most recent meltdowns I started to think "am I having this meltdown because I am in perimenopause?" which lead to a bigger meltdown. I am so done with this. I honestly don't know how much more I can take.
And during one of the many times I broke down in tears, my mom was hugging me and she said "I'm sorry I gave you mental illness". I never felt so horrible in my life.
Other than these problems ailing me, and minus the nightmare with my nephew on the first night (he would not go to sleep and screamed ungodly for at least a good 2 hours; I love my nephew, but that scream has got to go), it was a nice 3 days. Too much delicious bad food. I was disappointed the night we went to Hassle's for ice cream because all I wanted was a sundae with mint chocolate chip (best mint ever), hot fudge, and wet walnuts and we get there and they were out of mint chocolate chip. A whole year of waiting to have that sundae!
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Ranom Thoughts
I am listening to Andrew's cover of "I'm Alive" through my earphones and the drums are pounding so loud in my ears. It sounds amazing. NO WONDER I CAN'T HEAR.
My stomach is in knots about tomorrow. I really hope I can get to the doctor. I am just dreading how much trouble I am going to run into with this, because I forgot to mention that when I received the last email from my boss's boss, I happened to notice that someone was CC'd on the email. And it was none other than Ms. Croquette. I saw that and screamed internally, because she is a real bitch, that woman. I don't understand why she had to CC her on it, unless to let her know what is going on in case I decided to call out, which I gave no inkling that I would do.
And you know what pisses me off the most about this? Even getting to still go, this whole situation is going to put a black cloud over my whole trip. And I am stupid enough to allow it to.
And with all of this going on, I had a minor decrease in the early menopause fear for the past few days, but that came swinging back full force tonight. I no longer can even get a break when my period actually comes, because now I have to worry it will either be too short or stick around too long, the flow will be too light or too heavy, etc. There is no break at all anymore.
And because I feel so anxious it's only convincing me that I am in early menopause even more, which in turn is making me even more anxious and....I feel like I am about to emotionally collapse right now.
And if it's not early menopause, then I guarantee I am severely lacking something.
My stomach is in knots about tomorrow. I really hope I can get to the doctor. I am just dreading how much trouble I am going to run into with this, because I forgot to mention that when I received the last email from my boss's boss, I happened to notice that someone was CC'd on the email. And it was none other than Ms. Croquette. I saw that and screamed internally, because she is a real bitch, that woman. I don't understand why she had to CC her on it, unless to let her know what is going on in case I decided to call out, which I gave no inkling that I would do.
And you know what pisses me off the most about this? Even getting to still go, this whole situation is going to put a black cloud over my whole trip. And I am stupid enough to allow it to.
And with all of this going on, I had a minor decrease in the early menopause fear for the past few days, but that came swinging back full force tonight. I no longer can even get a break when my period actually comes, because now I have to worry it will either be too short or stick around too long, the flow will be too light or too heavy, etc. There is no break at all anymore.
And because I feel so anxious it's only convincing me that I am in early menopause even more, which in turn is making me even more anxious and....I feel like I am about to emotionally collapse right now.
And if it's not early menopause, then I guarantee I am severely lacking something.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Dafuq
@whoisMGMT pspoem works best when sung with 90s grunge voice or like axel rose
— MMGGMMTT (@whoisMGMT) July 29, 2014
Did Andrew really just tweet at himself?
The owner of that Tartlr page I visit/make digs at has repeatedly made remarks of Andrew not being the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to technology. I would believe it.
And speaking of making digs, that girl is one obnoxious little snot. And then when she ends up upsetting people who comment on her page, it's OMG I AM SO SORRY I WAS JUST BEING SARCASTIC. Take the hint, honey. YOU SUCK AT SARCASM.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Ugh
I am so nauseous right now and have burning cramping across my lower back. And every so often it intensifies on the right side. It's not bad enough that I need to take any medication or anything, but it's immensely uncomfortable. I had pain like this when the cyst was found on my first ultrasound. I don't know if at the time that cyst had anything to do with it or not.
I really need to find out what is going on with my female parts. And you know what I thought about one day? I am forced to have a Pap smear every time I go to the gyno, even though my risk of having HPV is super low, but things can be found in transvaginal ultrasounds that can occur regardless of your sexual history and they refused to do one on me.
On another note, that Tartlr page I have mentioned before....oh man, the drama that unfolded last night over Andrew and his ex and who cheated on who, etc....it was RIDICULOUS.
I really need to find out what is going on with my female parts. And you know what I thought about one day? I am forced to have a Pap smear every time I go to the gyno, even though my risk of having HPV is super low, but things can be found in transvaginal ultrasounds that can occur regardless of your sexual history and they refused to do one on me.
On another note, that Tartlr page I have mentioned before....oh man, the drama that unfolded last night over Andrew and his ex and who cheated on who, etc....it was RIDICULOUS.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Commercial Rants
I can't even remember at this point the last time I saw my commercial. Weird. I don't even see the other commercials for the product, either. Guess they stopped playing them.
What is the deal with the Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials? I know General Mills is trying to sell how delicious CTC is, but those little cannibalistic squares are creepy.
The IHOP summer pancake commercial.....HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT CANNOLI IS?
It was bad enough in the Tide commercial with the mother having to pronounce karate stupidly, but now there is one where the father has to pronounce in that same stupid way.
Why in pharmaceutical pimping commercials do the people always talk about their moderate to severe [insert condition]? Who talks like that? I never talk about my moderate to severe OCD, because for one I don't like to refer to it as "my" (I didn't ask for it) and two it just sounds silly. I prefer to refer to it as the more appropriately named HELL.
Whenever I watch Nick in the morning, there is always this commercial for Ring Pops with some shitty pop band and the girl singer is wearing a shirt that says "Girls rule, boys drool". If you're over 12 years old and wearing a shirt that says that, you need to check your life. And the Payless BOGO commercial I just saw- if you're over the age of 15 and using the term "bestie", you need to check your life. That goes for "BFF" as well. I feel so much second hand embarrassment whenever I see talk shows on in the morning and the anchors/hosts are using the term "BFF".
And speaking of second hand embarrassment, I was just on that Tartlr page I talked about and she posted a few things last night about Andrew and his girlfriend breaking up. She apparently "heard" that his ex cheated but she doesn't think that is true and then posted all of this creepy stuff about following her and the rest of the band's girlfriends on Instagram. And then this is the best part- she gets super pissed when people ask her about it. Uh, you're the one that is invested in it. Yeah, I'll admit that I am curious why they broke up and who broke up with who, but I am ridiculous anyway. Besides, no matter how much I think the sun shines out his ass, if she really broke up with him, I don't feel sorry for Andrew. Well, maybe a little, but that's what happens when you become famous and decide you will only date girls who otherwise wouldn't look at you twice if you weren't famous. Also, never forget this:
And then earlier today she posted something about musicians from the past stealing from POC. God, Tartlr is such a fucking embarrassment. Why is it such a cesspool for "social justice warriors"? Do these people really think they are doing something by bitching and whining on Tartlr?
And why is it white people are always the loudest and most obnoxious of the "social justice warrior" movement? Sit down, white hipster girl.
What is the deal with the Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials? I know General Mills is trying to sell how delicious CTC is, but those little cannibalistic squares are creepy.
The IHOP summer pancake commercial.....HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT CANNOLI IS?
It was bad enough in the Tide commercial with the mother having to pronounce karate stupidly, but now there is one where the father has to pronounce in that same stupid way.
Why in pharmaceutical pimping commercials do the people always talk about their moderate to severe [insert condition]? Who talks like that? I never talk about my moderate to severe OCD, because for one I don't like to refer to it as "my" (I didn't ask for it) and two it just sounds silly. I prefer to refer to it as the more appropriately named HELL.
Whenever I watch Nick in the morning, there is always this commercial for Ring Pops with some shitty pop band and the girl singer is wearing a shirt that says "Girls rule, boys drool". If you're over 12 years old and wearing a shirt that says that, you need to check your life. And the Payless BOGO commercial I just saw- if you're over the age of 15 and using the term "bestie", you need to check your life. That goes for "BFF" as well. I feel so much second hand embarrassment whenever I see talk shows on in the morning and the anchors/hosts are using the term "BFF".
And speaking of second hand embarrassment, I was just on that Tartlr page I talked about and she posted a few things last night about Andrew and his girlfriend breaking up. She apparently "heard" that his ex cheated but she doesn't think that is true and then posted all of this creepy stuff about following her and the rest of the band's girlfriends on Instagram. And then this is the best part- she gets super pissed when people ask her about it. Uh, you're the one that is invested in it. Yeah, I'll admit that I am curious why they broke up and who broke up with who, but I am ridiculous anyway. Besides, no matter how much I think the sun shines out his ass, if she really broke up with him, I don't feel sorry for Andrew. Well, maybe a little, but that's what happens when you become famous and decide you will only date girls who otherwise wouldn't look at you twice if you weren't famous. Also, never forget this:
It was the night before your show in Berlin in 2010. It’s like a long, awkward chess match of non sequiturs. You can watch it on YouTube.
BG: I’ve never seen that! We were hanging out with Will Carruthers from Spectrum and Spacemen 3, and I know he’s a friend of Anton’s, but I had no idea that took place.
Andrew VanWyngarden: Yeah, well, Anton’s a pretty far out dude. His girlfriend was in the 8mm Bar, which we happened to pass by, and she came over and was like, “You want to come upstairs to meet Anton?” and so I followed her. His apartment is pretty crazy—I guess you can see it in the video. A lot of cigarette butts everywhere, and guitars too. I’d seen Dig!, and I had met him already at the Accelerator Festival in Stockholm and was aware of his demeanor that’s kind of shape shifting and a little bit wild or something. I had been out to dinner with my ex-girlfriend and then we went to that bar. I actually kind of forgot it happened.
I was at the show the night after and that was the first time I’d seen you live. I remember having the impression that you somehow wanted to break free from the crowd’s expectations but you couldn’t. You seemed almost despondent onstage…
AVW: I broke up with my ex-girlfriend the day of that show. It was very dramatic and awful. I literally bought her a ticket home and then walked onstage, so I think there was some weird emotional stuff happening.All I can say is I hope she did something pretty awful to deserve that kind of break-up.
And then earlier today she posted something about musicians from the past stealing from POC. God, Tartlr is such a fucking embarrassment. Why is it such a cesspool for "social justice warriors"? Do these people really think they are doing something by bitching and whining on Tartlr?
And why is it white people are always the loudest and most obnoxious of the "social justice warrior" movement? Sit down, white hipster girl.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Random Thoughts
When you want to punch every single one of your coworkers in the face, it's time for a vacation.
I don't understand this bullshit of me being the only person who has to sit up front when my FWA goes to lunch. It's really starting to piss me the hell off. When one of my other coworkers is in the office, there is no reason she can't sit up front as well. Especially days we have patients. She is a medical assistant, she knows what to do more than I do. I am not an MA! And I told my manager flat out when I was offered an MA position that I don't like people enough to want to deal with patients, in addition to not being able to do that kind of intense long distance traveling.
And then my FWA returned almost 15 minutes later from lunch today. I had to deal with one patient and a copy machine technician while she was gone, which was 2 people too many that I wanted to deal with. The patient was nice (and cute), but the copy machine guy was not very friendly. And when my FWA came strolling in mumbling some bullshit excuse of why she was late, I just got up and walked away from her. I was not in the mood to listen to her bullshit.
And I am so tired of my manager's bullshit and the shit she allows people to get away with. I have never met a manager that is such a poor excuse for a manager like her. Especially the shit she allows my FWA to get away. I don't care how "great" of a worker my manager thinks she is, she is still not abiding by corporate policy. And the fact that she has been spoken to multiple times about her constant tardiness and she still continues to do it....she is such an arrogant defiant bitch.
I like my job in itself, minus the being told to do one thing one day and then another the next, or one person tells me to do one thing and another tells me to do another thing. And minus the atrocious doctor writing (handwritten and transcribed!). And it feeds into my medical topic obsession. Not always things I particularly am looking to learn about, but it generally ends up being interesting. The job has certainly given me a taste to want to learn all things musculoskeletal.
But yeah, I don't mind my job too much. It's just the people I work with. I swear, if I could transfer to our sister company, I think I would seriously consider it. And I would love to know if everyone is as bad there as my manager and coworkers make them out to be.
These goddamn obsessions with my teeth and early menopause are getting on my last nerve. I get anxious and sick to my stomach every time I have to eat, for fear it is going to hurt. My head hurts from not chewing right. My breasts felt sore earlier so I immediately started to panic that my period is going to come early. IT. NEVER. STOPS.
That one MGMT Tartlr page I visit, the girl was creepily obsessed with Andrew's ex and even after finding out they broke up, she defended her and complained about people bad-mouthing her. That lasted maybe a couple weeks. I haven't seen one mention of her since then. Can't say I am really surprised.
My mom was in the car with me yesterday and I put the Imagine Dragons CD on again and learned that in addition to not only knowing "Radioactive", she really likes it. I still really love it as well. Listening to that loud ass drum banging in the background.....I've got it blasting so loud in my earphones right now I am waiting for blood to start shooting out of my ears.
I don't understand this bullshit of me being the only person who has to sit up front when my FWA goes to lunch. It's really starting to piss me the hell off. When one of my other coworkers is in the office, there is no reason she can't sit up front as well. Especially days we have patients. She is a medical assistant, she knows what to do more than I do. I am not an MA! And I told my manager flat out when I was offered an MA position that I don't like people enough to want to deal with patients, in addition to not being able to do that kind of intense long distance traveling.
And then my FWA returned almost 15 minutes later from lunch today. I had to deal with one patient and a copy machine technician while she was gone, which was 2 people too many that I wanted to deal with. The patient was nice (and cute), but the copy machine guy was not very friendly. And when my FWA came strolling in mumbling some bullshit excuse of why she was late, I just got up and walked away from her. I was not in the mood to listen to her bullshit.
And I am so tired of my manager's bullshit and the shit she allows people to get away with. I have never met a manager that is such a poor excuse for a manager like her. Especially the shit she allows my FWA to get away. I don't care how "great" of a worker my manager thinks she is, she is still not abiding by corporate policy. And the fact that she has been spoken to multiple times about her constant tardiness and she still continues to do it....she is such an arrogant defiant bitch.
I like my job in itself, minus the being told to do one thing one day and then another the next, or one person tells me to do one thing and another tells me to do another thing. And minus the atrocious doctor writing (handwritten and transcribed!). And it feeds into my medical topic obsession. Not always things I particularly am looking to learn about, but it generally ends up being interesting. The job has certainly given me a taste to want to learn all things musculoskeletal.
But yeah, I don't mind my job too much. It's just the people I work with. I swear, if I could transfer to our sister company, I think I would seriously consider it. And I would love to know if everyone is as bad there as my manager and coworkers make them out to be.
These goddamn obsessions with my teeth and early menopause are getting on my last nerve. I get anxious and sick to my stomach every time I have to eat, for fear it is going to hurt. My head hurts from not chewing right. My breasts felt sore earlier so I immediately started to panic that my period is going to come early. IT. NEVER. STOPS.
That one MGMT Tartlr page I visit, the girl was creepily obsessed with Andrew's ex and even after finding out they broke up, she defended her and complained about people bad-mouthing her. That lasted maybe a couple weeks. I haven't seen one mention of her since then. Can't say I am really surprised.
My mom was in the car with me yesterday and I put the Imagine Dragons CD on again and learned that in addition to not only knowing "Radioactive", she really likes it. I still really love it as well. Listening to that loud ass drum banging in the background.....I've got it blasting so loud in my earphones right now I am waiting for blood to start shooting out of my ears.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Random Thoughts
So my annual performance review....not quite as bad as I thought. Most of what was said wasn't anything I disagreed with. Of course, my manager still had to go and bring up that I tend to get emotional and overwhelmed easily. And my main task of work needs to be improved some. Which I am already well aware of. I scored a 3.67 out of 5 and I am getting the maximum percentage raise. I meet expectations and am an asset to the company.
Of course, my sick mind starts to think about it and immediately goes on the attack. 3.67 out of 5? Percentage wise that would be a 73.4%, which is a low C in school. I meet expectations? Why do I not exceed expectations? And then my manager made some comment about how I come in and ask questions and stated that a lot of times she doesn't understand why I ask them when I pretty much know the answer. Um, because I am double checking? I don't get it- she raves that I am someone who will ask questions and not just do shit on my own and then she makes comments like that. Do I ask or not? Like WTF? She also stated that she has noticed an improvement in my work output. I still don't see it. She made some comment about how I tend to stick with smaller files. Um, because you told me to do so? She also made a comment that she hasn't had one complaint from a doctor yet. That is all I needed to hear. Now I am just waiting for one to come along.
I had a shitty day in work. I woke up feeling like crap because I want to Maggiano's last night for dinner and it made my already feeling like crap stomach feel even crappier. I also had wicked heartburn and the taste of garlic in my mouth. I took 2 Pepcids and they barely did shit. When I got to work I made coffee and because no one knows how to properly stack boxes, I had to move one and cut my thumb. Now I am going to be worried that I am going to get an infection.
Then when I went looking for work, there were 3 charts waiting for Monday that were all fairly small, so I took the biggest at 0.5 inches since I got nitpicked for taking smaller ones. Big. Mistake. It was one of those small deceiving ones. I worked on it the entire 8 hours and still wasn't completed it when I clocked out. And it was a fucking nightmare. About a hundred different complaints, pain constantly switching sides, etc. At one point I couldn't hold back anymore and I went into the bathroom and cried for about 10 minutes because I was so frustrated. And when things like this happen, I also get frustrated because I start worrying that superiors are going to look at my work log and will be like, well why did it take you so long you know what this isn't working out we have to let you go. I worry about this all of the goddamn time.
We were also having that luncheon today. I didn't even go in the conference room. And of course I realize how that makes me come off to others, but I am sorry, I just couldn't go in. I was too upset and anxious and being in that room and listening to all the stupid gossip about our sister company and how dumb everyone is up there (and really, I wonder if they are all that bad) and listening to our temp with the loud screechy nasally voice and my FWA would have made me lose it.
I did get upset while I was sitting at my desk and thought god why do I have to be socially inept? Even if I was in there, I would have felt incredibly uncomfortable and self-conscious like I usually do when I do actually sit in there. Plus, once everyone would start getting on me about not eating I would have felt even worse and even more self-conscious. It would be nice if one could admit to their issues without everyone judging them and thinking they're weird.
Earlier, before my mom went to bed, she was getting on me about everything. Nitpicking every thing I said. And I swear that woman loves to play Devil's advocate. Every time I complain about someone, she defends them. She does nothing but bitch about my dad, but the minute I say something, she's defending him. Or if I complain about something my sister did, she is right there defending her (of course, my sister says she does the same thing in regards to me).
And ever since I saw that article about people saying childless people just had bad moms, I have been thinking. Don't get me wrong, my mom was a very good mom growing up and I love her to death. But to be honest- and I would never admit this to anyone but maybe a therapist- there were things she did that contribute to my reasons for not having kids. I fully understand mental illness and the apathy that comes along with depression. But when you're a kid and you're excited about shit and your mom says stuff like I really could care less, it kind of gets to you after so long. And I understand that feeling now, but I still don't want to subject a kid to it.
One of the things I said earlier was that with his temper and no patience, my brother-in-law shouldn't have had a kid. My mom turns and says "well I have no patience maybe I shouldn't have had kids". She has said quite a few times that maybe she shouldn't have kids. I frankly don't care when she says that, because I know my mom loves me and was one of those women who wanted nothing more than to be a mom, but I have bitten my tongue more times that I can count to keep from saying "yeah it's a shame you didn't do a huge favor and just fucking aborted me". That would not go over well. But the sad thing is, I do often think that.
The amount of times I think of death on a daily basis is just unhealthy. Hell, earlier in work when I was working on that nightmare file, I kept thinking about how it would have taken the other workers no time to do and here I am spending a whole day on it and I thought about how I would like to go home and either blow my brains out or chase a bottle of pills down with vodka. The amount of times I think of suicide is even more unhealthy, but it is just that- thoughts. Nothing more. Would I like to act on my plans? Yes. But I can never muster enough courage to actually do so. Heaven knows what it would actually take for me to do so. That's why I laugh whenever I think about my hospital stay. That was probably the closest I ever came to actually considering acting on my plans, but I still was nowhere gutsy enough to do so. I felt like laughing at the employees and saying bitches, please, like I'd ever actually act on it, even though I desperately want to.
And before I go:
MMGGMMTT (whoisMGMT) on Twitter
The fuck you do to yourself now, boy?!
Of course, my sick mind starts to think about it and immediately goes on the attack. 3.67 out of 5? Percentage wise that would be a 73.4%, which is a low C in school. I meet expectations? Why do I not exceed expectations? And then my manager made some comment about how I come in and ask questions and stated that a lot of times she doesn't understand why I ask them when I pretty much know the answer. Um, because I am double checking? I don't get it- she raves that I am someone who will ask questions and not just do shit on my own and then she makes comments like that. Do I ask or not? Like WTF? She also stated that she has noticed an improvement in my work output. I still don't see it. She made some comment about how I tend to stick with smaller files. Um, because you told me to do so? She also made a comment that she hasn't had one complaint from a doctor yet. That is all I needed to hear. Now I am just waiting for one to come along.
I had a shitty day in work. I woke up feeling like crap because I want to Maggiano's last night for dinner and it made my already feeling like crap stomach feel even crappier. I also had wicked heartburn and the taste of garlic in my mouth. I took 2 Pepcids and they barely did shit. When I got to work I made coffee and because no one knows how to properly stack boxes, I had to move one and cut my thumb. Now I am going to be worried that I am going to get an infection.
Then when I went looking for work, there were 3 charts waiting for Monday that were all fairly small, so I took the biggest at 0.5 inches since I got nitpicked for taking smaller ones. Big. Mistake. It was one of those small deceiving ones. I worked on it the entire 8 hours and still wasn't completed it when I clocked out. And it was a fucking nightmare. About a hundred different complaints, pain constantly switching sides, etc. At one point I couldn't hold back anymore and I went into the bathroom and cried for about 10 minutes because I was so frustrated. And when things like this happen, I also get frustrated because I start worrying that superiors are going to look at my work log and will be like, well why did it take you so long you know what this isn't working out we have to let you go. I worry about this all of the goddamn time.
We were also having that luncheon today. I didn't even go in the conference room. And of course I realize how that makes me come off to others, but I am sorry, I just couldn't go in. I was too upset and anxious and being in that room and listening to all the stupid gossip about our sister company and how dumb everyone is up there (and really, I wonder if they are all that bad) and listening to our temp with the loud screechy nasally voice and my FWA would have made me lose it.
I did get upset while I was sitting at my desk and thought god why do I have to be socially inept? Even if I was in there, I would have felt incredibly uncomfortable and self-conscious like I usually do when I do actually sit in there. Plus, once everyone would start getting on me about not eating I would have felt even worse and even more self-conscious. It would be nice if one could admit to their issues without everyone judging them and thinking they're weird.
Earlier, before my mom went to bed, she was getting on me about everything. Nitpicking every thing I said. And I swear that woman loves to play Devil's advocate. Every time I complain about someone, she defends them. She does nothing but bitch about my dad, but the minute I say something, she's defending him. Or if I complain about something my sister did, she is right there defending her (of course, my sister says she does the same thing in regards to me).
And ever since I saw that article about people saying childless people just had bad moms, I have been thinking. Don't get me wrong, my mom was a very good mom growing up and I love her to death. But to be honest- and I would never admit this to anyone but maybe a therapist- there were things she did that contribute to my reasons for not having kids. I fully understand mental illness and the apathy that comes along with depression. But when you're a kid and you're excited about shit and your mom says stuff like I really could care less, it kind of gets to you after so long. And I understand that feeling now, but I still don't want to subject a kid to it.
One of the things I said earlier was that with his temper and no patience, my brother-in-law shouldn't have had a kid. My mom turns and says "well I have no patience maybe I shouldn't have had kids". She has said quite a few times that maybe she shouldn't have kids. I frankly don't care when she says that, because I know my mom loves me and was one of those women who wanted nothing more than to be a mom, but I have bitten my tongue more times that I can count to keep from saying "yeah it's a shame you didn't do a huge favor and just fucking aborted me". That would not go over well. But the sad thing is, I do often think that.
The amount of times I think of death on a daily basis is just unhealthy. Hell, earlier in work when I was working on that nightmare file, I kept thinking about how it would have taken the other workers no time to do and here I am spending a whole day on it and I thought about how I would like to go home and either blow my brains out or chase a bottle of pills down with vodka. The amount of times I think of suicide is even more unhealthy, but it is just that- thoughts. Nothing more. Would I like to act on my plans? Yes. But I can never muster enough courage to actually do so. Heaven knows what it would actually take for me to do so. That's why I laugh whenever I think about my hospital stay. That was probably the closest I ever came to actually considering acting on my plans, but I still was nowhere gutsy enough to do so. I felt like laughing at the employees and saying bitches, please, like I'd ever actually act on it, even though I desperately want to.
And before I go:
MMGGMMTT (whoisMGMT) on Twitter
The fuck you do to yourself now, boy?!
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