$1581. One thousand, five hundred and eighty one dollars. I feel like I am going to pass out, die, or both. My chest is tight, I am having a hard time breathing, and my heart will not stop racing. And the amount of abuse my brain is unleashing me right now is just downright cruel.
I have no car until Thursday! Not that I have anywhere to go, but I miss my car! I don't like it being in some strange place being touched by strange people. And of course, when one of the mechanics called back, he was trying to list other things that would need work. Because clearly $1581 isn't enough money. Luckily I wasn't the one who took it in and dealt with them over the phone, because they probably would have found an additional 6 million things wrong with it. Auto mechanics are the worst. I should seriously consider becoming one.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Random Thoughts
It is not a good time to be a woman in my family right now. We are all miserable as fuck. My sister is miserable with her married life, my mother is miserable with her married life and over my sister being miserable with her married life, and I am almost completely absorbed in my own problems and how much I want to escape them by ending it all.
Well, I guess there are 2 things in my life I will do right- not get married and not have kids.
My car is going to get checked out later on. I can't wait to see how much this is going to cost me.
One of my cousins had her son's first birthday party on Sunday and considering they dislike her and usually never go to her parties, I expected the bitchy three to not be there. So I decided to go. Wouldn't you know they came? And as usual, the fat bitchy one ignored my sister and me. The one who I sent the message to back during my sister's baby shower was her usual fake ass phoney butter would melt in her mouth. What? No, I haven't let that go yet. I might only be a quarter Sicilian, but whoever said Sicilians don't forget hit the nail on the head, because if there is one thing in life I excel at, besides being nuts, it is never letting go of shit.
I keep waiting and hoping that one day I will go on Facebook and MGMT will post that they are coming near me. I will scream so loud, the entire state of NJ will hear me. Although I'd rather be completely sober, a part of me keeps thinking that if I ever get to see them again, I need to get my hands on something....psychedelic to take with me. But my luck I would probably have a bad reaction and freak the fuck out. Most people seemed to have their faculties at Musikfest, although there were the handful of people who clearly did not. There was this topless guy screaming constantly on the bleachers when we first got there. Security kept hollering at him to put his shirt on. I think eventually they kicked him out. Then my mother and I watched this girl a couple rows in front of us who was either completely pissed or high as a kite sitting with her boyfriend. She couldn't even sit up straight. She kept falling over. I'm like really? You're here to see a great band and you are barely conscious? Finally her boyfriend pulled her up and they left. I was hoping she'd face plant walking down the bleachers, but no such luck. They never did come back.
And do you know what would really make my life? Not that I would want to wait that long, but if they came to my area right around my birthday. At least it would give me something to look forward to for my birthday, because as of now, I'd rather not even see my 30th birthday.
This week is Tornado Week on the Weather Channel. I want to watch it, but I think it will give me nightmares. They are one of my worst fears, yet I have a morbid fascination with them.
I cannot believe yesterday was already six months since Sandy hit. Where on earth has the time gone? I also realized I never did mention that I went to Seaside a few weeks ago. Except for the boardwalk, it did not look nearly as bad as I thought it would. I expected a hell of a lot more destruction inland. Got some pretty decent pictures; here's a few:
That is the Beachcomber on the left. Apparently the Beach Bar had been knocked down. I don't know if it got destroyed right after I had reposted that picture from Twitter, or if it was just knocked down. There is no word on their Facebook page about rebuilding, but damn I hope they do. They had a great business there. And very good food.
Well, I guess there are 2 things in my life I will do right- not get married and not have kids.
My car is going to get checked out later on. I can't wait to see how much this is going to cost me.
One of my cousins had her son's first birthday party on Sunday and considering they dislike her and usually never go to her parties, I expected the bitchy three to not be there. So I decided to go. Wouldn't you know they came? And as usual, the fat bitchy one ignored my sister and me. The one who I sent the message to back during my sister's baby shower was her usual fake ass phoney butter would melt in her mouth. What? No, I haven't let that go yet. I might only be a quarter Sicilian, but whoever said Sicilians don't forget hit the nail on the head, because if there is one thing in life I excel at, besides being nuts, it is never letting go of shit.
I keep waiting and hoping that one day I will go on Facebook and MGMT will post that they are coming near me. I will scream so loud, the entire state of NJ will hear me. Although I'd rather be completely sober, a part of me keeps thinking that if I ever get to see them again, I need to get my hands on something....psychedelic to take with me. But my luck I would probably have a bad reaction and freak the fuck out. Most people seemed to have their faculties at Musikfest, although there were the handful of people who clearly did not. There was this topless guy screaming constantly on the bleachers when we first got there. Security kept hollering at him to put his shirt on. I think eventually they kicked him out. Then my mother and I watched this girl a couple rows in front of us who was either completely pissed or high as a kite sitting with her boyfriend. She couldn't even sit up straight. She kept falling over. I'm like really? You're here to see a great band and you are barely conscious? Finally her boyfriend pulled her up and they left. I was hoping she'd face plant walking down the bleachers, but no such luck. They never did come back.
And do you know what would really make my life? Not that I would want to wait that long, but if they came to my area right around my birthday. At least it would give me something to look forward to for my birthday, because as of now, I'd rather not even see my 30th birthday.
This week is Tornado Week on the Weather Channel. I want to watch it, but I think it will give me nightmares. They are one of my worst fears, yet I have a morbid fascination with them.
I cannot believe yesterday was already six months since Sandy hit. Where on earth has the time gone? I also realized I never did mention that I went to Seaside a few weeks ago. Except for the boardwalk, it did not look nearly as bad as I thought it would. I expected a hell of a lot more destruction inland. Got some pretty decent pictures; here's a few:
That is the Beachcomber on the left. Apparently the Beach Bar had been knocked down. I don't know if it got destroyed right after I had reposted that picture from Twitter, or if it was just knocked down. There is no word on their Facebook page about rebuilding, but damn I hope they do. They had a great business there. And very good food.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
The Awesome Of The Day
31 Insane Fabrics You Can Actually Buy
I don't even know how to sew, but.....SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!
I don't even know how to sew, but.....SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Bwahahahahahahahahaha
Harry Styles Dating Kimberly Stewart: "She Is Exactly His Type," Source Says
Wow. The lengths One Direction's PR team will go to paint Harry as a cougar hunter is just sad now. Do they even try? Or have they even realized how ridiculous it is and just phone it in?
I remember reading this article right before Musikfest, although I am pretty sure I remember it being a lot longer and Andrew mentioning that he used to watch Beavis & Butt-head (AWESOME), and I don't know how this particular part escaped my attention:
ETA 4/29: I just finally got around to hunting it down again, but here is the original, much longer article I was referring to. I also half-expected Andrew to make some kind of reference to the Phillies during the show, but he disappointed me.
Wow. The lengths One Direction's PR team will go to paint Harry as a cougar hunter is just sad now. Do they even try? Or have they even realized how ridiculous it is and just phone it in?
I remember reading this article right before Musikfest, although I am pretty sure I remember it being a lot longer and Andrew mentioning that he used to watch Beavis & Butt-head (AWESOME), and I don't know how this particular part escaped my attention:
He indicates the new disc will have a sound close to the last album, "Congratulations."Well....that will go over well with the Congratulations haters.
ETA 4/29: I just finally got around to hunting it down again, but here is the original, much longer article I was referring to. I also half-expected Andrew to make some kind of reference to the Phillies during the show, but he disappointed me.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
The Moronic Comment Of The Day
Rihanna on being mentioned in interviews with Ciara:
Hey, Rihanna, why don't you stop wasting all of your [undeserved] money on pot that you supposedly smoke and buy yourself an education? Or at least a book on how to use proper fucking grammar? Oh, I am sorry- that is probably not "hardcore" or "badass" enough for you.
I was on a certain gossip site that I still do not understand why I continue to visit and there was an article on this dumb bitch using a derogatory word to describe a little kid and reading through the comments just further proves my point that this particular community is a mecca of idiots.
On a slightly off topic note, it was confirmed that the dead body found in RI was Sunil Tripathi. I am not wishing death on anyone, but it grinds my gears that a seemingly decent kid like Sunil dies and people like the bitch above and Lindsay Lohan continue to walk the earth. I knew it was going to be his body, but I still felt pretty depressed when the news confirmed it. It's very sad if it turns out to be suicide, but if it was, hopefully he is at peace now from whatever demons he had.
Why am I still the main topic of her interviews!!”Wow. That was incredibly painful to read. My brain is actually hurting.
She don’t be shame tho? How she let em play her like that everytime?? It’s like, ‘yea I know you’re here to about (insert album title) but we wanna talk about a more relevant topic…Rihanna!!!
Like she sits there and falls for it everytime!!!! #whurrisyopublicist.
Hey, Rihanna, why don't you stop wasting all of your [undeserved] money on pot that you supposedly smoke and buy yourself an education? Or at least a book on how to use proper fucking grammar? Oh, I am sorry- that is probably not "hardcore" or "badass" enough for you.
I was on a certain gossip site that I still do not understand why I continue to visit and there was an article on this dumb bitch using a derogatory word to describe a little kid and reading through the comments just further proves my point that this particular community is a mecca of idiots.
On a slightly off topic note, it was confirmed that the dead body found in RI was Sunil Tripathi. I am not wishing death on anyone, but it grinds my gears that a seemingly decent kid like Sunil dies and people like the bitch above and Lindsay Lohan continue to walk the earth. I knew it was going to be his body, but I still felt pretty depressed when the news confirmed it. It's very sad if it turns out to be suicide, but if it was, hopefully he is at peace now from whatever demons he had.
Random Thoughts
Well, day 36, cramping, extremely sore breasts, major irritability, mood swings, increase in anxiety, emotional over everything (I found out last night that eMachines are no longer in production and I cried, no joke), yet still no period. And it's starting to make me even more anxious. Now all I keep thinking is, what if the time between periods starts growing longer and longer? And what if it eventually stops? What if I really am going through premature menopause? What if this insomnia, mood swings, occasional vaginal itching, etc are all signs that I am?
I am feeling so depressed and miserable and having so much suicidal ideation that I don't even want to be in my own body right now. If I could physically escape from my mind, I would. I can't stop worrying, I can't stop belittling myself, I can't accept anything less than perfect from myself, I am terrified of making mistakes yet all I keep doing is fucking up, and so on. That Penn State spring thing that MGMT is performing at is this Friday and I have been so fucking bummed all week, not so much because I want to see them, but because I have no friends to go with. I have no friends to do anything with. It sucks. Yes, I have my family, but you know what? People need more than family. I hate having no friends, but after being burned so many times, I don't even think I could trust anyone enough to make any now. I miss my friend who passed away. She wasn't the best friend, but she did the one thing no one else has done- she stuck around.
I really can't stand it anymore. I feel like if I were an animal, someone would euthanize me.
And going briefly back to MGMT, they just posted that they are coming to Montclair. Mont- fucking-clair. Which, according to Mapquest, is further from my house than Bethlehem is! What in the hell? Please! Come to AC, Philly, or Camden! Somewhere close by! Hell, come to Wildwood! It is a far distance, but at least I know how to get there! I guess they would have to perform at the Convention Center, but holy shit, it would be so fucking awesome if they came to Wildwood. I would actually cry if they performed in Wildwood.
Also, I can't get enough of "Alien Days". I knew it would take a couple of listens for me to really fall in love with it. I don't even know how many times I have listened to it since Saturday. I also like Andrew's explanation that it is "about that feeling when a parasitic alien is in your head, controlling things". I know that feeling, bro, because that is what I feel like OCD is. If this song is any clue as to what the rest of the album is going to sound like it, it's going to be interesting. It also explains the look on that squee kitten's face.
I had a hard time going to sleep last night and fell asleep sometime after 3AM. I woke up sometime close to 5AM with pain in my jaw and near my ear. I don't know if I was grinding my teeth or what. It wasn't terrible pain, but it was annoying enough. I am really starting to wonder if I may really have TMJD. I was afraid to go back to sleep and wake up with worse pain. But I had none when I woke up again. I had no pain last night when I ate a snack, and no pain when I ate lunch. My tooth felt a little irritated at dinner, but that was about it. Some sensitivity is still persisting.
I have been half following that story about Sunil Tripathi, the missing Brown University student, and the news reported that a body was found in Rhode Island that could be him. No identification has been made yet, but how sad if it is him. Especially if it turns out to be a case of suicide. I think I remember reading that the young man had problems with depression.
There was also some big thing that the idiots over on Reddit had identified him as one of the Boston bombers. What a bunch of idiots. Like the kid's family isn't going through enough hell? And then there was that 17 year old kid who was accused of being one of the bombers. What is wrong with people? That is what I can't stand about the media. Everyone gets so blinded by their hatred and desperation to get these monsters that innocent people end up getting falsely accused. Although I suspect people wouldn't be so intent on blood if a child had not died in the tragedy.
Also, I see Futurama has been cancelled again. Can't say I am sad to see it go. I was so excited when it initially was renewed and the new episodes ended up being such a disappointment.
I am feeling so depressed and miserable and having so much suicidal ideation that I don't even want to be in my own body right now. If I could physically escape from my mind, I would. I can't stop worrying, I can't stop belittling myself, I can't accept anything less than perfect from myself, I am terrified of making mistakes yet all I keep doing is fucking up, and so on. That Penn State spring thing that MGMT is performing at is this Friday and I have been so fucking bummed all week, not so much because I want to see them, but because I have no friends to go with. I have no friends to do anything with. It sucks. Yes, I have my family, but you know what? People need more than family. I hate having no friends, but after being burned so many times, I don't even think I could trust anyone enough to make any now. I miss my friend who passed away. She wasn't the best friend, but she did the one thing no one else has done- she stuck around.
I really can't stand it anymore. I feel like if I were an animal, someone would euthanize me.
And going briefly back to MGMT, they just posted that they are coming to Montclair. Mont- fucking-clair. Which, according to Mapquest, is further from my house than Bethlehem is! What in the hell? Please! Come to AC, Philly, or Camden! Somewhere close by! Hell, come to Wildwood! It is a far distance, but at least I know how to get there! I guess they would have to perform at the Convention Center, but holy shit, it would be so fucking awesome if they came to Wildwood. I would actually cry if they performed in Wildwood.
Also, I can't get enough of "Alien Days". I knew it would take a couple of listens for me to really fall in love with it. I don't even know how many times I have listened to it since Saturday. I also like Andrew's explanation that it is "about that feeling when a parasitic alien is in your head, controlling things". I know that feeling, bro, because that is what I feel like OCD is. If this song is any clue as to what the rest of the album is going to sound like it, it's going to be interesting. It also explains the look on that squee kitten's face.
I had a hard time going to sleep last night and fell asleep sometime after 3AM. I woke up sometime close to 5AM with pain in my jaw and near my ear. I don't know if I was grinding my teeth or what. It wasn't terrible pain, but it was annoying enough. I am really starting to wonder if I may really have TMJD. I was afraid to go back to sleep and wake up with worse pain. But I had none when I woke up again. I had no pain last night when I ate a snack, and no pain when I ate lunch. My tooth felt a little irritated at dinner, but that was about it. Some sensitivity is still persisting.
I have been half following that story about Sunil Tripathi, the missing Brown University student, and the news reported that a body was found in Rhode Island that could be him. No identification has been made yet, but how sad if it is him. Especially if it turns out to be a case of suicide. I think I remember reading that the young man had problems with depression.
There was also some big thing that the idiots over on Reddit had identified him as one of the Boston bombers. What a bunch of idiots. Like the kid's family isn't going through enough hell? And then there was that 17 year old kid who was accused of being one of the bombers. What is wrong with people? That is what I can't stand about the media. Everyone gets so blinded by their hatred and desperation to get these monsters that innocent people end up getting falsely accused. Although I suspect people wouldn't be so intent on blood if a child had not died in the tragedy.
Also, I see Futurama has been cancelled again. Can't say I am sad to see it go. I was so excited when it initially was renewed and the new episodes ended up being such a disappointment.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Screw This Week
As I was driving to the dentist, and trying not to have a full blown panic attack over my airbag deploying unexpectedly, since that apparently can happen, it occurred to me that the night before my airbag light came on, I had went out to my car in a giant state of anxiety and the anxiety started to mix with rage and I punched my steering wheel. Repeatedly. So, more than likely the light is on due to my temper. Nice. As if I already don't have enough self-contempt. And it still hasn't been taken to be looked at. My father apparently has more important things to do, like watch TV and the same movies over and over and over again, then to take it. This is why it pays to know something about cars. I would have no problem taking it myself to a shop, but being female, I don't trust auto mechanics. And heaven knows how much it will end up costing me.
Then I get my filling drilled down some at the dentist and when I am eating dinner, I can feel my tooth bothering me again. Hasn't bothered me since I had it done, and now it does again. I am just hoping that all of my years of grinding my teeth hasn't finally lead to TMJ disorder.
My unemployment benefits run out this week. And I keep thinking (particularly when I wake up early in the morning) of that article I posted some time last week about how if you are six months out of work, you're pretty much unemployable, and I start to have a panic attack. Really now. Did I have to get laid off right when my stupid OCD decides it wants to flare up really bad, putting me in a really bad bind of needing help, but needing medical to do so, and needing a job to get medical, but needing to feel better to get a job? What a stupid cycle.
And to top it off, I have really, REALLY bad PMS. And cramping. I wish it would just come already.
Anyway, here is a nice article with a nice picture of Andrew to look at. As long as I stay away from the comment section, with the "everything sucks since Oracular Spectacular!" crowd. God, STFU already. And really, Gutzee? Make one pop song so they can stick around? So let me get this straight- you want them to change their music so they will be popular longer? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I'd rather MGMT break up than resort to pop music. Dumbass. Anyway.....picture! I know it's an old picture, but god he is so good-looking. My ovaries are weeping.
See more on Know Your Meme
I also went back and looked at this article on ONTD. Andrew. In a bathing suit. Topless. Hot damn, his body has gotten more.....manly looking.
See more on Know Your Meme*
*I realize as a woman, I should probably use the Schlick girl instead of Fap guy, but until an animated Schlick girl is made, I will continue to use Fap Guy.
Then I get my filling drilled down some at the dentist and when I am eating dinner, I can feel my tooth bothering me again. Hasn't bothered me since I had it done, and now it does again. I am just hoping that all of my years of grinding my teeth hasn't finally lead to TMJ disorder.
My unemployment benefits run out this week. And I keep thinking (particularly when I wake up early in the morning) of that article I posted some time last week about how if you are six months out of work, you're pretty much unemployable, and I start to have a panic attack. Really now. Did I have to get laid off right when my stupid OCD decides it wants to flare up really bad, putting me in a really bad bind of needing help, but needing medical to do so, and needing a job to get medical, but needing to feel better to get a job? What a stupid cycle.
And to top it off, I have really, REALLY bad PMS. And cramping. I wish it would just come already.
Anyway, here is a nice article with a nice picture of Andrew to look at. As long as I stay away from the comment section, with the "everything sucks since Oracular Spectacular!" crowd. God, STFU already. And really, Gutzee? Make one pop song so they can stick around? So let me get this straight- you want them to change their music so they will be popular longer? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I'd rather MGMT break up than resort to pop music. Dumbass. Anyway.....picture! I know it's an old picture, but god he is so good-looking. My ovaries are weeping.
See more on Know Your Meme
I also went back and looked at this article on ONTD. Andrew. In a bathing suit. Topless. Hot damn, his body has gotten more.....manly looking.
See more on Know Your Meme*
*I realize as a woman, I should probably use the Schlick girl instead of Fap guy, but until an animated Schlick girl is made, I will continue to use Fap Guy.
Stupid Computer
Last night, I decided to search for some files. Now every time I try to search, I get this:
*OR*
Yes, I edited part of that second picture.
And then explorer crashes. The error logs "Faulting application explorer.exe, version 6.0.2900. 5512, faulting module kernel32.dll, version 5.1.2600.6293, fault address 0x00012fd3." I wish computers would just put in plain damn English what is wrong. Like specifically hey [insert program name] is preventing me from functioning properly.
I want to blame a program I just installed, but I have not used the search function in so long that it may have done it before I installed the program. I don't know. I guess I will have to try uninstalling it and see if that works. I have ran all of my viral and antimalware programs, and just finally reinstalled A-2 to my computer, and all have come up clean. Not that I ever use search much, but I would like to fix this before I say fuck it and just reinstall Windows again. I get a jolly from reinstalling Windows. A new install of Windows is always nice. It runs so much faster. I regularly run a junk file cleaner (CCleaner and ATF Cleaner), but nothing holds a candle to a newly installed Windows. And installing new programs is fun. Man, I really need to get a life.
*OR*
Yes, I edited part of that second picture.
And then explorer crashes. The error logs "Faulting application explorer.exe, version 6.0.2900. 5512, faulting module kernel32.dll, version 5.1.2600.6293, fault address 0x00012fd3." I wish computers would just put in plain damn English what is wrong. Like specifically hey [insert program name] is preventing me from functioning properly.
I want to blame a program I just installed, but I have not used the search function in so long that it may have done it before I installed the program. I don't know. I guess I will have to try uninstalling it and see if that works. I have ran all of my viral and antimalware programs, and just finally reinstalled A-2 to my computer, and all have come up clean. Not that I ever use search much, but I would like to fix this before I say fuck it and just reinstall Windows again. I get a jolly from reinstalling Windows. A new install of Windows is always nice. It runs so much faster. I regularly run a junk file cleaner (CCleaner and ATF Cleaner), but nothing holds a candle to a newly installed Windows. And installing new programs is fun. Man, I really need to get a life.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
BOO!
I called my local record store earlier and according to the kid with the wonderful personality* who answered, they have no more in stock. Argh! I am so annoyed. I could try the other one close to me, but I know they will probably tell me the same thing.
*And by wonderful personality, I mean no personality. Damn, even I have more personality than the people that work there. Then again, what do I expect from the store where every time I go in, I don't even get greeted or asked if I need help or anything? Every damn time.
Man, did I wake up in a bad ass mood today. And this did not help it at all!
ETA 10:30PM: New Music: MGMT "Alien Days"
Ummm.....I am going to have to give this a couple more listens before I formulate an opinion. I don't dislike it, that is a definite, but I don't care for the beginning (it makes me fucking stabby when kids are in songs) and I like the Osheaga live version better. I certainly feel a little less disappointed about not getting it, though. But I still can't wait for the album. Also, I wish people would stop knocking Congratulations, because two words- "Siberian Breaks".
Also, for some reason, it reminds me of "Hurdy Gurdy Man" by Donovan. Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy gurdy he sang....
ETA 4/22 1:03AM: I officially love those "Alien Days".
*And by wonderful personality, I mean no personality. Damn, even I have more personality than the people that work there. Then again, what do I expect from the store where every time I go in, I don't even get greeted or asked if I need help or anything? Every damn time.
Man, did I wake up in a bad ass mood today. And this did not help it at all!
ETA 10:30PM: New Music: MGMT "Alien Days"
Ummm.....I am going to have to give this a couple more listens before I formulate an opinion. I don't dislike it, that is a definite, but I don't care for the beginning (it makes me fucking stabby when kids are in songs) and I like the Osheaga live version better. I certainly feel a little less disappointed about not getting it, though. But I still can't wait for the album. Also, I wish people would stop knocking Congratulations, because two words- "Siberian Breaks".
Also, for some reason, it reminds me of "Hurdy Gurdy Man" by Donovan. Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy gurdy he sang....
ETA 4/22 1:03AM: I officially love those "Alien Days".
Friday, April 19, 2013
And It Begins
A big chunk of PA is under a tornado watch, and now I am worried that one will be issued for NJ, which means it would probably go until midnight or later. My insides are shaking so bad.
After lunch, about 2PM, I called my dental office to try and see if I could come in and get the filling sanded down some and wouldn't you know they were already closed? Now I am going to be a nervous wreck the entire weekend. I am going to have to try to just chew on one side until I can get this fixed, but you know how that works. Then all I will want to do is chew on that side.
I am still debating whether to get my ass up early tomorrow and go to my local music store, if they actually have any copies of "Alien Days". I want it, but I'm lazy and don't particularly feel like getting up early. Plus, I don't even know if the store will be selling it, which means I would have to wake up and call, and I despise using the phone. Not to mention I don't even know how much it costs. I mean, if it costs like $6 or more, then I will say screw it, because for $6 more, give or take, I can have an entire CD in June (hopefully). I love them, but not that much!
After lunch, about 2PM, I called my dental office to try and see if I could come in and get the filling sanded down some and wouldn't you know they were already closed? Now I am going to be a nervous wreck the entire weekend. I am going to have to try to just chew on one side until I can get this fixed, but you know how that works. Then all I will want to do is chew on that side.
I am still debating whether to get my ass up early tomorrow and go to my local music store, if they actually have any copies of "Alien Days". I want it, but I'm lazy and don't particularly feel like getting up early. Plus, I don't even know if the store will be selling it, which means I would have to wake up and call, and I despise using the phone. Not to mention I don't even know how much it costs. I mean, if it costs like $6 or more, then I will say screw it, because for $6 more, give or take, I can have an entire CD in June (hopefully). I love them, but not that much!
Random Thoughts
Well, I haven't had any pain chewing since Tuesday. Still having some sensitivity, though. I don't know what that is all about. But I am living in fear that any moment, it's going to start hurting. Any sign of pain, I start panicking. And it does not help that I have pain when I press on my temporomandibular joint. I don't even want to eat because I am so nervous that it is going to hurt. I am also worried that stuff is going to somehow get underneath the filling and cause an infection. I don't know if that is even possible. But that doesn't stop me from worrying that it will.
And on top of that, as well as the millions of other things I worry about, we're supposed to get bad weather later on. I don't know how I am going to get through the spring and summer.
My sister posted pictures earlier on Facebook of herself as a baby to show how much the baby looks like her. Someone wrote "that's amazing!". How is it amazing? It's called genetics.
Yesterday (as in Wednesday; yes I am one of those people who gauges my days by when I go to sleep and wake up, no matter the time) my mother was complaining that she needed to polish furniture because she could write in the furniture, but she didn't feel like it. So today they went over my sister's so my father could fix something (gee, what a surprise) and I figured what the hell, I'll polish the furniture. They come home when I am almost done and my mom tells me she dusted earlier. Explains why I was not getting much dirt when I was cleaning.
I am going through my Recommended Pages list on Facebook and man, do a lot of people on my friends list have horrible taste in shit. I don't even have any MGMT fans, except for one person and I don't even know the kid. Earlier Facebook had the nerve to suggest fucking Snooki. I was so appalled, I almost punched my monitor. Why aren't those people going away yet? Oh right, because people like my sister still continue to watch their stupid shows.
I just finally finished reading The Mystery of Mercy Close by Marian Keyes and although it was a little long, I really enjoyed parts of the books. Which doesn't surprise me, since I usually enjoy her books. Many reviews I read of it complained about too much discussion of depression. I beg to differ. I actually enjoyed the in depth descriptions of Helen's inner turmoils and I think the book nailed it on the head so many times. The wanting to die, but have no plan. Wishing something would happen to you that would kill you. Wishing some kind of disaster would happen that HURTS NO ONE ELSE, but kills only you. The camps of family and friends based on their reactions to your illness (I think I had everything but the woo-woo crew).
Now I am reading A Catered Halloween by Isis Crawford. I read A Catered Murder, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to read any other books in the series. They aren't bad books, but sometimes passages can get a little confusing. I thought maybe it was just me and my horrible attention span, but reading reviews, it apparently was not. And thing that frustrates me the most is how nondescriptive the characters are. Some books are a little too descriptive, but these are not. I have no idea how to picture Bernie and Libby, or any other character, although even as undescriptive as they are, they still seem to be somewhat unlikeable. Enlighten me, Ms. Crawford, how someone who seems to have no money and works in a bakery can buy designer clothing and shoes like Bernie does? I still have no idea where they live. Maybe New York? And why is the father in a wheelchair?
I have been on a roll with books. I have been keeping track of everything I have been reading since the beginning of the year and that was my 40th book. Too bad I wasn't still eligible for Book-It. I'd have 6 free Pizza Hut personal pan pizzas by now, assuming it is still 6 books = 1 free personal pizza. Man, that was a great program. I still have all of my pins somewhere in my room.
And on top of that, as well as the millions of other things I worry about, we're supposed to get bad weather later on. I don't know how I am going to get through the spring and summer.
My sister posted pictures earlier on Facebook of herself as a baby to show how much the baby looks like her. Someone wrote "that's amazing!". How is it amazing? It's called genetics.
Yesterday (as in Wednesday; yes I am one of those people who gauges my days by when I go to sleep and wake up, no matter the time) my mother was complaining that she needed to polish furniture because she could write in the furniture, but she didn't feel like it. So today they went over my sister's so my father could fix something (gee, what a surprise) and I figured what the hell, I'll polish the furniture. They come home when I am almost done and my mom tells me she dusted earlier. Explains why I was not getting much dirt when I was cleaning.
I am going through my Recommended Pages list on Facebook and man, do a lot of people on my friends list have horrible taste in shit. I don't even have any MGMT fans, except for one person and I don't even know the kid. Earlier Facebook had the nerve to suggest fucking Snooki. I was so appalled, I almost punched my monitor. Why aren't those people going away yet? Oh right, because people like my sister still continue to watch their stupid shows.
I just finally finished reading The Mystery of Mercy Close by Marian Keyes and although it was a little long, I really enjoyed parts of the books. Which doesn't surprise me, since I usually enjoy her books. Many reviews I read of it complained about too much discussion of depression. I beg to differ. I actually enjoyed the in depth descriptions of Helen's inner turmoils and I think the book nailed it on the head so many times. The wanting to die, but have no plan. Wishing something would happen to you that would kill you. Wishing some kind of disaster would happen that HURTS NO ONE ELSE, but kills only you. The camps of family and friends based on their reactions to your illness (I think I had everything but the woo-woo crew).
Now I am reading A Catered Halloween by Isis Crawford. I read A Catered Murder, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to read any other books in the series. They aren't bad books, but sometimes passages can get a little confusing. I thought maybe it was just me and my horrible attention span, but reading reviews, it apparently was not. And thing that frustrates me the most is how nondescriptive the characters are. Some books are a little too descriptive, but these are not. I have no idea how to picture Bernie and Libby, or any other character, although even as undescriptive as they are, they still seem to be somewhat unlikeable. Enlighten me, Ms. Crawford, how someone who seems to have no money and works in a bakery can buy designer clothing and shoes like Bernie does? I still have no idea where they live. Maybe New York? And why is the father in a wheelchair?
I have been on a roll with books. I have been keeping track of everything I have been reading since the beginning of the year and that was my 40th book. Too bad I wasn't still eligible for Book-It. I'd have 6 free Pizza Hut personal pan pizzas by now, assuming it is still 6 books = 1 free personal pizza. Man, that was a great program. I still have all of my pins somewhere in my room.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
The WTF Of The Day
Having Your Period Is Actually Pretty Metal
Was this supposed to make me like my period? Because it didn't. I have had mine for 18 years and I still hate it every bit as much as I did when the first one came. Especially now that I turn into a suicidal monster days before it comes on. And I hate those fucking e-cards. They were funny in the beginning, and I remember someone posting one on ONTD once about Andrew being so beautiful that everyone died. But most of them are so stupid now.
Also, "meanwhile, in my motherfucking uterus"? Was the "motherfucking" really necessary?
Was this supposed to make me like my period? Because it didn't. I have had mine for 18 years and I still hate it every bit as much as I did when the first one came. Especially now that I turn into a suicidal monster days before it comes on. And I hate those fucking e-cards. They were funny in the beginning, and I remember someone posting one on ONTD once about Andrew being so beautiful that everyone died. But most of them are so stupid now.
Also, "meanwhile, in my motherfucking uterus"? Was the "motherfucking" really necessary?
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Sucky Headlines Of The Day
If You Don't Have a Job Now, You Might Never Get One
Oh, FML.
What Do Men Think when Women Say They Don’t Want Kids?
This article is putting an unhealthy amount of rage in me. You know what? I really don't give a shit what a man has to say on my not wanting kids. This isn't 1950. Women can make decisions for themselves. They don't need a big strong man to make them for them. Look, men, if you are dating a woman and have issues with the fact that she doesn't want children, then get the fuck out. It's not rocket science. Go find someone who wants or "wants" them. I am sure there are plenty of desperate women out there who won't feel fulfilled till they shit out a child.
And women, if you don't want children, but change your mind to please your man, then you are as idiotic as the brain dead mouth breathing neanderthals you are dating.
Oh, FML.
What Do Men Think when Women Say They Don’t Want Kids?
This article is putting an unhealthy amount of rage in me. You know what? I really don't give a shit what a man has to say on my not wanting kids. This isn't 1950. Women can make decisions for themselves. They don't need a big strong man to make them for them. Look, men, if you are dating a woman and have issues with the fact that she doesn't want children, then get the fuck out. It's not rocket science. Go find someone who wants or "wants" them. I am sure there are plenty of desperate women out there who won't feel fulfilled till they shit out a child.
And women, if you don't want children, but change your mind to please your man, then you are as idiotic as the brain dead mouth breathing neanderthals you are dating.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Stupid Tooth
My second to last molar is the culprit. It has a crack in it. My dentist put a filling in it, and if that does not work, then I will need a crown. I have to go back in a week for a check-up. Yay. Now I am nervous that there is going to be pain when the Novocaine wears off. Really nervous. Ugh. Not to mention I am starving! I was fine at the office, figured eh, I can hold off eating for a while, get home- BOOM. Stomach starts rumbling with hunger.
But the good news is, I was offered a dental discount plan for $94 at my office. At first I was hesitant, until I found out that the initial cost of my visit was going to be $340. But with the discount plan, it would be $137. I decided to go ahead with purchasing the plan, because even purchasing it, I still paid less for my entire visit. And if I need a crown, it will be like $689, normally $1,100. Not that I want one, but I appreciate the discount! Huzzah!
ETA 12:54AM: The numbness wore off sometime after 8:30PM. I don't know where dental offices get that a patient will be numb for an hour. I think once in my life I was numb for around an hour. Any other time, it was at least 3 hours or more. I was given 2 shots of Novocaine before 5:30PM. I was numb all the way up to my temple. While I was waiting to be drilled, I sat and poked at my cheek and temple and couldn't feel anything. And have I ever mentioned how much I hate the smell of a tooth being drilled? Ugh. But anyway, I feel like I am going to jinx myself saying this, but so far no pain. The only pain I have is the inside of my cheek, where I was given the Novocaine shot. It's really sore! I really wish I had some Peroxyl. I get so worried about infections after dental work, so I normally like to have it around after getting a cavity filled.
I also don't think my filling was worn down enough. Shit. I hope I can at least hold off until Tuesday and not get any pain from it.
But the good news is, I was offered a dental discount plan for $94 at my office. At first I was hesitant, until I found out that the initial cost of my visit was going to be $340. But with the discount plan, it would be $137. I decided to go ahead with purchasing the plan, because even purchasing it, I still paid less for my entire visit. And if I need a crown, it will be like $689, normally $1,100. Not that I want one, but I appreciate the discount! Huzzah!
ETA 12:54AM: The numbness wore off sometime after 8:30PM. I don't know where dental offices get that a patient will be numb for an hour. I think once in my life I was numb for around an hour. Any other time, it was at least 3 hours or more. I was given 2 shots of Novocaine before 5:30PM. I was numb all the way up to my temple. While I was waiting to be drilled, I sat and poked at my cheek and temple and couldn't feel anything. And have I ever mentioned how much I hate the smell of a tooth being drilled? Ugh. But anyway, I feel like I am going to jinx myself saying this, but so far no pain. The only pain I have is the inside of my cheek, where I was given the Novocaine shot. It's really sore! I really wish I had some Peroxyl. I get so worried about infections after dental work, so I normally like to have it around after getting a cavity filled.
I also don't think my filling was worn down enough. Shit. I hope I can at least hold off until Tuesday and not get any pain from it.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Random Thoughts
I get to go the dentist tomorrow. Yay. Huzzah. So excited. Actually, I hope whatever this is can be resolved, although I dread to find out what the resolution will end up being. Now my tooth hurts when cold stuff touches it, although I don't recall it hurting last night when I ate ice cream. And that is making me even more nervous about needing root canal. Now on my second to last molar, in a spot around the area of where I feel the pain, there is a black hole looking thing. I know I will never be lucky enough for this to just be a simple cavity. But it would be nice.
You know, every time a tragedy happens, I get annoyed with the media. Not just with the constant discussions with no updates, but with the photos I see. I know they are just doing their job and all, but it disturbs me and annoys me to see pictures of people crying and in grief. They are grieving! Leave them be! It's like on the news sometimes when the family member of a murdered victim is shown screaming and crying. Why do they need to show that? Let the person grieve in private! And already photos are being plastered all over the internet of people injured, crying, praying, whatever at the Boston Marathon. Maybe I am wrong, but I just think it's tacky.
I give up on trying to understand the world. I can't understand what would possess someone to wake up and decide hey I am going to plant some explosives at a marathon finish line. Or anywhere for that matter. Or decide to go shoot up a school or workplace or whatever. I am a pretty....well, I don't want to say hateful, but I tend to dislike people very much. But I cannot grasp the level of hatred that possesses these people to commit these atrocious acts. And I know normal people like to believe that all mentally ill people are harmful to society. And I wouldn't be surprised if they get the suspect of this and he or she turns out to have some sort of mental illness. And then the mentally ill can have another black mark in the world.
Mental illness is never going to not have a stigma. And hell, even those who do have it don't always understand it. My mother can't seem to accept the fact that depression is not one size fits all. She can't understand why there are so many days I can't get dressed, or get out of bed sooner, or whatever, because she forces herself to do it. She can't seem to accept that maybe, just maybe, I might have worst depression than her. Because do not forget- in this family, everything is a competition and no one's problems are worse than others.
And she gets annoyed at me for getting annoyed with my grandmother, because according to her, I have anxiety and should understand how my grandmother feels. But I do not. And she gets mad at me for getting mad, yet my mother gets pissed at me when I am feeling really anxious.
And going back to the Boston Marathon tragedy, everyone is going on about how bad situations bring out the best in people and everyone being united. Yeah. For how long? Then the tragedy will disappear from everyone's minds and everyone will go back to being assholes again.
So I finally got a grasp of what Record Store Day means and I am hoping I can get a copy of "Alien Days". I contacted one of my local record stores that are participating in RSD, but they just told me that they are very interested in getting it, but are not sure if they will be able to or not. So come Saturday morning, I might have to drag my ass out of bed early and call and find out. I will be so excited if I can get it! Not that it will necessarily kill me to wait until [hopefully] June for the full album to come out, since I have waited this long, but that's not the point!
Still don't quite get why it has to be a cassette tape. I mean, it comes with a thing for a digital download as well, but still. While I normally brush off most things they do, a part of me keeps thinking, geeze, they have to be that weird and hipsterish that they have to release a single on a fucking medium that hasn't been used in several years? I don't even own a cassette player anymore. Except in my car. Actually, I think my mom might have one.
I was laying in bed the other day with insomnia and thinking about how they are coming to some fairly close, but still too far areas (That first comment made me laugh. It's true. And gawd, Andrew, could your shirt get any longer? Also, why are you covering your face?) and I started to get annoyed with myself. Annoyed that I have no friends to go to any of these things with. Annoyed that I can't get myself to these places.
You know, every time a tragedy happens, I get annoyed with the media. Not just with the constant discussions with no updates, but with the photos I see. I know they are just doing their job and all, but it disturbs me and annoys me to see pictures of people crying and in grief. They are grieving! Leave them be! It's like on the news sometimes when the family member of a murdered victim is shown screaming and crying. Why do they need to show that? Let the person grieve in private! And already photos are being plastered all over the internet of people injured, crying, praying, whatever at the Boston Marathon. Maybe I am wrong, but I just think it's tacky.
I give up on trying to understand the world. I can't understand what would possess someone to wake up and decide hey I am going to plant some explosives at a marathon finish line. Or anywhere for that matter. Or decide to go shoot up a school or workplace or whatever. I am a pretty....well, I don't want to say hateful, but I tend to dislike people very much. But I cannot grasp the level of hatred that possesses these people to commit these atrocious acts. And I know normal people like to believe that all mentally ill people are harmful to society. And I wouldn't be surprised if they get the suspect of this and he or she turns out to have some sort of mental illness. And then the mentally ill can have another black mark in the world.
Mental illness is never going to not have a stigma. And hell, even those who do have it don't always understand it. My mother can't seem to accept the fact that depression is not one size fits all. She can't understand why there are so many days I can't get dressed, or get out of bed sooner, or whatever, because she forces herself to do it. She can't seem to accept that maybe, just maybe, I might have worst depression than her. Because do not forget- in this family, everything is a competition and no one's problems are worse than others.
And she gets annoyed at me for getting annoyed with my grandmother, because according to her, I have anxiety and should understand how my grandmother feels. But I do not. And she gets mad at me for getting mad, yet my mother gets pissed at me when I am feeling really anxious.
And going back to the Boston Marathon tragedy, everyone is going on about how bad situations bring out the best in people and everyone being united. Yeah. For how long? Then the tragedy will disappear from everyone's minds and everyone will go back to being assholes again.
So I finally got a grasp of what Record Store Day means and I am hoping I can get a copy of "Alien Days". I contacted one of my local record stores that are participating in RSD, but they just told me that they are very interested in getting it, but are not sure if they will be able to or not. So come Saturday morning, I might have to drag my ass out of bed early and call and find out. I will be so excited if I can get it! Not that it will necessarily kill me to wait until [hopefully] June for the full album to come out, since I have waited this long, but that's not the point!
Still don't quite get why it has to be a cassette tape. I mean, it comes with a thing for a digital download as well, but still. While I normally brush off most things they do, a part of me keeps thinking, geeze, they have to be that weird and hipsterish that they have to release a single on a fucking medium that hasn't been used in several years? I don't even own a cassette player anymore. Except in my car. Actually, I think my mom might have one.
I was laying in bed the other day with insomnia and thinking about how they are coming to some fairly close, but still too far areas (That first comment made me laugh. It's true. And gawd, Andrew, could your shirt get any longer? Also, why are you covering your face?) and I started to get annoyed with myself. Annoyed that I have no friends to go to any of these things with. Annoyed that I can't get myself to these places.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
GD Teeth
Right now, I am holding a huge grudge against my teeth. I am very angry with them! Aside from my massive consumption of soda through the years (I tried to minimize the impact by using a straw and I always tried to rinse my mouth out after drinking it), my sporadic bouts of purging, and teeth grinding, I take very good care of my teeth! And now it is multiple cavities, worn down front teeth, parts of my teeth are starting to become transparent due to enamel loss, one tooth hurts when I chew on it a certain way, etc. And I guess some other teeth were feeling jealous of said painful tooth, because now other teeth are starting to bother me. I want to cry. I want this taking care of ASAP, but I am worried what they are going to tell me I need done.
And apparently my dental office no longer does root canals. Which means I will be sent next door to be evaluated, which will cost me even more money. And I don't want another dentist to work on my teeth. I like the work my dentist does. And if I have to go to another dentist, I have to remember to say NO EPINEPHRINE in the Novocaine. Several years ago when I had a cavity filled, I had a bad reaction to epi and I have been scared to have it since then. I feel like just saying GET IT OUT OF MY MOUTH, but I'd rather keep all of my teeth for as long as possible. Not to mention I am more terrified of dry socket than any other dental procedure. And I am waiting....I am just waiting for my sole wisdom tooth to decide to say "hey bitch don't forget I am still with you, just sitting in your gums" and start bothering me as well. Sure! Why not?!
And then the most annoying part is now all I want to do is chew on that side.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
And apparently my dental office no longer does root canals. Which means I will be sent next door to be evaluated, which will cost me even more money. And I don't want another dentist to work on my teeth. I like the work my dentist does. And if I have to go to another dentist, I have to remember to say NO EPINEPHRINE in the Novocaine. Several years ago when I had a cavity filled, I had a bad reaction to epi and I have been scared to have it since then. I feel like just saying GET IT OUT OF MY MOUTH, but I'd rather keep all of my teeth for as long as possible. Not to mention I am more terrified of dry socket than any other dental procedure. And I am waiting....I am just waiting for my sole wisdom tooth to decide to say "hey bitch don't forget I am still with you, just sitting in your gums" and start bothering me as well. Sure! Why not?!
And then the most annoying part is now all I want to do is chew on that side.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Video Of The Day
Probably shouldn't have expected any less, but I honestly didn't expect this video to be so....weird:
I can't stop laughing at those rabbits.
I can't stop laughing at those rabbits.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
BAH!
I went on Turbo Tax earlier to finish up my taxes- I did finish them, but I am terrified to hit submit, so I have to check it over about 65 thousand times before I finally do so, although I can guarantee I will still feel uneasy about sending them in- and I discovered that I can no longer print my state form out and send it in instead of paying to e-file it. I would have to pay $39.99 to file it no matter what I do. I am not even getting anything back from the state! And I am getting on my own nerves having to check it and recheck it. I have checked it over at least 10 times today, no exaggeration. I thought I was bad when I was in school. I used to check my tests over repeatedly because I was so fearful of making mistakes. I could just imagine what I would be like now if I were currently in school. I'd be a mess. Stupid fucking OCD. I guarantee if people knew what having true clinical OCD was like, nobody would use the term so leisurely anymore.
My tooth is still bothering me.
I have two more unemployment payments.
I am going on three months of insomnia and an irritated bladder. Although I have not had any spotting since stopping it- KNOCK ON WOOD- I am sorry I ever went on birth control.
And while I am glad it's not cold, it is almost 70 degrees out right now! It's way too warm for now! Especially since warm weather means storms eventually, and NJ is already on the TOR:CON list for Thursday. I am not ready for this shit.
My tooth is still bothering me.
I have two more unemployment payments.
I am going on three months of insomnia and an irritated bladder. Although I have not had any spotting since stopping it- KNOCK ON WOOD- I am sorry I ever went on birth control.
And while I am glad it's not cold, it is almost 70 degrees out right now! It's way too warm for now! Especially since warm weather means storms eventually, and NJ is already on the TOR:CON list for Thursday. I am not ready for this shit.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Interesting
I mostly read them for the hell of it, but this horoscope from Saturday's NY Daily News piqued my interest (it scanned like shit, my bad):
Yeah, I'll probably never follow through with it, though. I'll just bottle it up and continue to make myself sicker or I'll eventually reach the point where I do something drastic.
And I see USA is running yet another NCIS marathon. For the love of god.
Yeah, I'll probably never follow through with it, though. I'll just bottle it up and continue to make myself sicker or I'll eventually reach the point where I do something drastic.
And I see USA is running yet another NCIS marathon. For the love of god.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
WAH WAH WAH
I just saw some article about some moo whining because she was blocked from Facebook for posting pictures of herself breast-feeding. I don't give a fuck if it's a natural thing, why do you need to post pictures of yourself feeding your brat? It's a beautiful act? Do you know what else is a beautiful act? Taking a shit after a week of being constipated. But you don't see me posting pictures of myself on the toilet. I am so sick and tired of hearing these whiny ass breast-feeders whining about everything, of how oppressed they are. And staging their stupid protests in stores. Wah! Woe is mommy! The world isn't revolving around me because I chose to fulfill biology by doing something gazillions of living beings do! Shut the fuck up.
And do you know what makes me stabby? That fucking Luvs commercial with the bitch breast-feeding in the restaurant. And she keeps giving the poor waiter this arrogant look like yeah, I am breastfeeding, you got a problem with that? Yeah! I do! I want to smack that cocky bitch so hard!
And speaking of disgusting, someone on Facebook posted a picture today of a naked Adam Levine laying backwards on a motorcycle. I was in the midst of drinking coffee and almost sprayed it all over my monitor. It didn't even show anything, but that didn't stop it from being revolting.
Also....hey USA, you want to get off of NCIS's dick already? Cheesus.
And do you know what makes me stabby? That fucking Luvs commercial with the bitch breast-feeding in the restaurant. And she keeps giving the poor waiter this arrogant look like yeah, I am breastfeeding, you got a problem with that? Yeah! I do! I want to smack that cocky bitch so hard!
And speaking of disgusting, someone on Facebook posted a picture today of a naked Adam Levine laying backwards on a motorcycle. I was in the midst of drinking coffee and almost sprayed it all over my monitor. It didn't even show anything, but that didn't stop it from being revolting.
Also....hey USA, you want to get off of NCIS's dick already? Cheesus.
WHAT. THE. HELL.
First it was my more than likely cracked tooth. Then I get in my car today and my airbag light won't stop blinking. And right now, my Addison's disease anxiety is so high, I want to scream.
I don't know how much more of this stupid fear I can take. I know I have said that repeatedly, but it is starting to get beyond ridiculous at this point. And I think the thing that might help the most is for me to tell it to someone. To come right out and say for over a year and a half I have had myself sick with worry that I have Addison's disease and nothing I do is taking it away. I am physically and emotionally exhausted from worrying and from the compulsions that come with this sick obsession. I can't stop examining my skin. I go into the bathroom and spend more time than necessary because I have to study my skin in the mirror. Sometimes that is the only reason I go into the bathroom. And let's not even get started on the idea that I could possibly have secondary adrenal insufficiency, where you do not see hyperpigmentation. I am sick and tired of taking my blood pressure, but I practically pass out from the anxiety if I try to ignore the urge to do it. I have come to the point where this has completely taken over my life. I am pretty much unable to focus on anything else. I need a job, I need to finish school, I need to get my shit together and all I can focus on is this. And I don't know what to do. But the question is, who?
I don't know how much more of this stupid fear I can take. I know I have said that repeatedly, but it is starting to get beyond ridiculous at this point. And I think the thing that might help the most is for me to tell it to someone. To come right out and say for over a year and a half I have had myself sick with worry that I have Addison's disease and nothing I do is taking it away. I am physically and emotionally exhausted from worrying and from the compulsions that come with this sick obsession. I can't stop examining my skin. I go into the bathroom and spend more time than necessary because I have to study my skin in the mirror. Sometimes that is the only reason I go into the bathroom. And let's not even get started on the idea that I could possibly have secondary adrenal insufficiency, where you do not see hyperpigmentation. I am sick and tired of taking my blood pressure, but I practically pass out from the anxiety if I try to ignore the urge to do it. I have come to the point where this has completely taken over my life. I am pretty much unable to focus on anything else. I need a job, I need to finish school, I need to get my shit together and all I can focus on is this. And I don't know what to do. But the question is, who?
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Random Thoughts
Good news- the dog is okay so far. She was kept overnight at the local animal hospital for observation. I am so relieved. On that at least.
My anxiety levels shot through the roof today. I don't know if it has anything to do with my hormone levels, because I would imagine I could be at ovulation time right now. I am on day 15 from the first day of my last period and- KNOCK ON WOOD- so far no spotting. But on the other hand, emotionally I feel horrible right now. I can't calm down. And it's not helping that I have been pretty badly constipated this week, so I am big time bloated and I feel awful from that, I am nauseous, and I have heartburn so bad, I feel like my esophagus is going to burn right through my chest. I took 40 mg of Pepcid a little under an hour ago, but it has not kicked in yet.
I took my last 20 billion probiotic last night and am going back on my original ones tonight. I don't know if they really had anything to do with it, but I am wondering if such a high dosage had anything to do with my constant crampy feeling and anything to do with why I was having vaginal itching. Most people will say no, it's only confined to intestinal areas. The cramping could very well be just intestinal. But it resembles uterine cramping, and it is only on the left side, but any kind of cramping I get is always on the left side. It's kind of odd that several of these symptoms popped up not long after I started taking the pills. Or I could be completely wrong. They also popped up right around the time it seems my menstrual cycle was re-establishing itself after quitting birth control three weeks prior, so it could be just hormones. I don't know.
I also now have a molar on the lower left side that hurts when I chew food a certain way. The last time I had a cavity filled on that side, I was told there was a tooth with a crack that would probably need a crown in the future. Whether it is that tooth or not, I don't know, because 1) I don't remember which tooth they were referring to and 2) it's unclear which tooth it paining me. That's all I need right now, is to need a crown. And god forbid, I hope I wouldn't need root canal as well. I'll really scream. Not over having to have root canal (although get back to me on the day it would be done; I've had a gazillion cavities filled and I still get nervous every time I have to get one filled), but over how much it would cost. A crown will be about $900-1,000 out of pocket. God knows how much a root canal costs. Then there is the complaint visit. Probably an x-ray or two. I could just tell them to just yank the bastard out, but I'd rather not have to resort to that.
After a particularly sharp shooting of pain during dinner, I threw a fit. I take good care of my teeth. Most of my problem is probably that I just have the unfortunate habit of grinding my teeth.
Oh, and how nice. I am texting back and forth with my sister about how anxious I feel and how upset I am over my tooth bothering me and she asks me why I don't visit my nephew more. Really? Are you kidding me? Are you really fucking kidding me?
My anxiety levels shot through the roof today. I don't know if it has anything to do with my hormone levels, because I would imagine I could be at ovulation time right now. I am on day 15 from the first day of my last period and- KNOCK ON WOOD- so far no spotting. But on the other hand, emotionally I feel horrible right now. I can't calm down. And it's not helping that I have been pretty badly constipated this week, so I am big time bloated and I feel awful from that, I am nauseous, and I have heartburn so bad, I feel like my esophagus is going to burn right through my chest. I took 40 mg of Pepcid a little under an hour ago, but it has not kicked in yet.
I took my last 20 billion probiotic last night and am going back on my original ones tonight. I don't know if they really had anything to do with it, but I am wondering if such a high dosage had anything to do with my constant crampy feeling and anything to do with why I was having vaginal itching. Most people will say no, it's only confined to intestinal areas. The cramping could very well be just intestinal. But it resembles uterine cramping, and it is only on the left side, but any kind of cramping I get is always on the left side. It's kind of odd that several of these symptoms popped up not long after I started taking the pills. Or I could be completely wrong. They also popped up right around the time it seems my menstrual cycle was re-establishing itself after quitting birth control three weeks prior, so it could be just hormones. I don't know.
I also now have a molar on the lower left side that hurts when I chew food a certain way. The last time I had a cavity filled on that side, I was told there was a tooth with a crack that would probably need a crown in the future. Whether it is that tooth or not, I don't know, because 1) I don't remember which tooth they were referring to and 2) it's unclear which tooth it paining me. That's all I need right now, is to need a crown. And god forbid, I hope I wouldn't need root canal as well. I'll really scream. Not over having to have root canal (although get back to me on the day it would be done; I've had a gazillion cavities filled and I still get nervous every time I have to get one filled), but over how much it would cost. A crown will be about $900-1,000 out of pocket. God knows how much a root canal costs. Then there is the complaint visit. Probably an x-ray or two. I could just tell them to just yank the bastard out, but I'd rather not have to resort to that.
After a particularly sharp shooting of pain during dinner, I threw a fit. I take good care of my teeth. Most of my problem is probably that I just have the unfortunate habit of grinding my teeth.
Oh, and how nice. I am texting back and forth with my sister about how anxious I feel and how upset I am over my tooth bothering me and she asks me why I don't visit my nephew more. Really? Are you kidding me? Are you really fucking kidding me?
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
The WTF Of The Day
My sister- 2 associate's degrees and a bachelor's. My brother-in-law- 1 bachelor's. One baby, one dog. A dog that, despite just turning 9 years-old, still manages to get into anything and everything. And yet the two of them are fucking stupid enough to leave 2 bags of candy on the floor while they are out. And the dog got into them and ate everything except the foil wrappers. I swear, if something happens to the dog, I am going to be absolutely devastated. I think it will be the final ingredient in producing a full-blown breakdown.
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