The Bitch Is Back

Wow, I can't believe it's been over 2 years since I last graced everyone with my presence.  I blame the Prozac.  Since I started that shit, it's done nothing but take my ability to express my feelings (which I had issues with prior to starting Prozac) and just traps it inside me, leaving me with so much pent up miserableness that any day now I'm waiting for the mother of all breakdowns to come.  And at the point I'm at, I'm not sure that's going to be such a terrible thing.

My FWA is pregnant again.  And just as obnoxious as she was before.  Everything is blamed on the pregnancy.  Every time we walk by her or she walks by us, the hand has to start rubbing her belly.  Bitching about this, bitching about that.  And I want to be excited about her going out on maternity leave soon.  But I'm fucking freaking out.  And then it doesn't help that we've had a higher number of reviewers lately so the workload has been kind of light (first holiday season I was able to leave normal time), and one of them resigned on Friday.  So now I'm really freaking out.  And really beating myself up that I can't handle doing such a simple job that apparently any idiot can be hired to do.  Of course I don't doubt that having anxiety and OCD doesn't contribute to that.  I can't NOT care about the quality of my work like everyone else apparently does.

I've always suspected I've had misophonia but lately it's been really bad.  Again, I'm not sure if this is something Prozac is contributing to (it was never this bad until I started Prozac).  Nearly every little noise gets on my nerves, practically to the point where I honest to God wish I would go deaf just because I can't fucking stand it anymore.  And one of the things that really gets under my skin is hearing people collate in work.  Everyone is obnoxiously loud with flicking through paper and the sound drives me fucking bonkers.  I'm surprised I actually have any teeth left because I grind them so hard the whole day in work.  I can't stand the sound so much and every time I hear it I want to put my hands over my ears and start screaming SHUT THE FUCK UP over and over and over again.  The level of agitation I feel every time I hear it can be terrifying.

There are so many days anymore where I wish I would just get the guts to end it already.

On the plus side, after years of chickening out, I finally did it in November- I went through with LASIK!  It cost me a pretty penny but with the exception of dry eye (which I had some issues with before), so far so good.

But let me tell you- laugh heartily anytime you hear commercials about $250 an eye LASIK.  You must hardly be nearsighted to qualify for that.