Song Of The Day

"Staring at the ceiling in the dark, same old empty feeling in your heart"


 
ETA 1/15/14: GOD I HATE THIS SONG SO FUCKING MUCH NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SMDH

Viral Video of Walmart Fight Will Make You Want to Stay in This Black Friday

But saying "Happy Holidays" is what is ruining the meaning of Christmas, right?

Random Thoughts

The other day in work, one of my coworkers was talking about smoking. And it turned into a discussion about how no one can smoke anywhere anymore and blah blah blah and my FWA's friend starts talking about why is it such a big deal it's not like anyone is shooting up or something. Um, because some of us chose to not pollute our lungs with nicotine and God knows what else?

I had a wonderful surprise when I stepped on the scale this morning- I was 121 pounds! I was so happy, especially since my digestive system issues seemed to have calmed down. I am sure Thanksgiving dinner just completely ruined that.

I have not felt good all day. My muscles are burning and I keep getting palpitations with not much exertion. And of course, some little bastard that just for the love of all that is holy cannot go away, the fear of having Addison's disease, crept back in today. Which gave me really bad anxiety, which in turn is making me feel even worse. I have taken my blood pressure a couple times already. I can't stand that this will not go away. I don't know what it will take for it to leave my life completely. Every time it comes back into my life, I just want to rip my brain out of my head and put a bullet through it. And all I keep thinking is, see, you stopped worrying about it, now you may have jinxed yourself. I'm so over this.

As if I wasn't feeling depressed enough, now I feel even more depressed due to not feeling good and worrying why I don't feel good. Everything is making me sad. I saw an article on acid reflux earlier and it showed this cartoon drawing of a stomach surrounded by flames and it had tears in its eyes and I thought omg am I doing that do my stomach and then I felt really horrible and depressed. I am frustrated because I feel like I am never going to "get" my job. I don't want to go to the concert on Tuesday, which frustrates me because all I have wanted for the past year is to see them live again. And I still do....just under different circumstances.

I am hoping that maybe, just maybe, I will end up enjoying it like last time I saw them. I am not expecting another Musikfest, because frankly, I don't think anything will ever hold a candle to that show, but if I end up enjoying it more, then great! I certainly won't complain!

All I want to do is tell someone how terrible I feel. How I feel like my head is stuck in a horrible black hole and all I ever think about is how much I want to be dead and how I feel guilty about everything, even over things that make no sense (see above with the acid reflux story) or are out of my control. How inadequate and undeserving of happiness I feel. How I feel dead inside and incapable of loving anyone properly. Like I have no heart whatsoever. How I am tired of snapping out on people (which oddly enough is always the people I am closest to or care the most about that bear the brunt of my wrath). And how I am sick of worrying that I have a disease or something to the point it starts to take over my whole life and how I am sick of being anxious about EVERYTHING, but if I don't worry then I am jinxing myself.

I love the internet and all of the information it can give me. At the same time I feel like life was better when much of this information wasn't at my fingertips. Sometimes I feel like just pulling the plug on it. I think I'd be much happier when it comes to certain things.

I think I need to just go to bed.

W.T.F.

Boy, as if I haven't felt shitty enough today. I left work earlier and was at the traffic intersection outside of my work complex and waiting for the light to turn green. I started fiddling around on my iPod because it's a long light. Then I happen to look up and noticed the light had turned green. So I start to take my foot off of the brake to go when all of a sudden this car comes flying through the red light on the main road. Had I been paying attention and gone maybe five seconds sooner, I would have gotten nailed on the driver's side. I was so upset and shook up the whole way home and pretty much the entire night. And all I could think is, see, this is what you get for not leaving at your normal time (I left maybe a little over five minutes later than I normally do).

Not that this matters, but just for the record, I would have gotten nailed with "Time To Pretend" blasting. I don't think I would ever have listened to that song again if I had gotten hit. Then again, if I had gotten into an accident today, I probably would never leave the house again.

I feel crappy today. I know I did Sunday as well, but today is different. The weather is miserable. I'm exhausted, probably due to not sleeping well last night (my brain was running a never-ending loop of "why am I never good enough?"). It is still here. But I am happy about having a four day weekend! Yay! And Thanksgiving! I can't wait to stuff my face with food (although I'd rather have something other than turkey). Especially pie. I fucking love pie. PIE!!!!!!!

Random Thoughts

Man, I am so glad it's a three day week! I spent all day doing fall cleaning in my bedroom. I am exhausted. And the whole time I was cleaning, I felt like throwing most of my stuff into a pile and lighting it on fire. I feel like I have so much junk and I can't stand it. I have the exact opposite problem of hoarding. The littlest sign of clutter and I want to freak.

Last night, after all of the time I have been waiting to go, I finally got to go to the Cheesecake Factory. And I did not enjoy it. I decided to try the spicy crispy chicken sandwich and because I am picky as hell, I wanted it with no cheese or mayonnaise. When it came out, it looked really delicious. Except not only was it not spicy by any means, it was also bland as hell. I was really disappointed. My fries were salty as fuck. When I don't have to salt fries when I am on my period, you know they are way too salty. My cheesecake was delicious, except for being almost still frozen inside. And the table behind us, there was little girl about 2 years old, maybe 3, who kept standing up and hanging over the booth and staring at us. I don't know what other Cheesecake Factories are like, but ours has booths with very tall backs, probably almost 5 feet tall. I don't understand why parents allow their kids to do that and not holler at them. It was so fucking annoying. Not to mention she had one of those big obnoxious round plastic binks in her mouth.

I don't know if it's just a coincidence, but I think I need to stop going to places I have been craving when I have my period, because it never seems to turn out well anymore.

Last Thursday night, or maybe it was Wednesday night, I was going through the Comcast On Demand list to see if any new music videos of interest, e.g. anything by MGMT, had been added. "Cool Song No. 2" has been on there a while. I am not a big fan of that video so I didn't bother watching it. Sorry, it just freaks me out too much, although that part when the people are standing around the table and making what I presume to be drugs and singing along with the song makes me laugh. But I did discover they finally added the video for "Alien Days". So on Friday morning before I had to leave for work, I sat down and forced myself to watch it. I hate to admit it, and I still would rather have had a much weirder video, but the video is growing on me. It's so fucking cute and sweet, it makes my teeth and pancreas hurt. ARGH.

You know, I have been wanting nothing more than to see them live again since Musikfest and I am not even excited about going to the concert in a little over a week. I don't know what my problem is. It's not that I don't want to see them. I am just getting more nervous about what the crowd is going to be like. And I am anxious about something bad happening. And then I am anxious about things I don't even know about. And goddammit, I want to be up on the stage banging that big ass cowbell! Although let's be real- if I got pulled up on stage to do that, I would completely blank out and just stare at Andrew. What I'd be half-tempted to do is take the stick and nail Ben in the balls with it. Each and every single time it is supposed to hit the cowbell. Drum banging *BAM* here is the deal *BAM* open your eyes *BAM* your life is a lie *BAM* etc. I would practice 24 hours a day just to have the opportunity to do that. Harsh, I know, and I know to take every story on the internet with a grain of salt, but that story just really disgusted me.

I feel like shit today. I'm tired, cranky, and depressed. And it's freaking cold as anything out. I ran to the market with my mother earlier and after we got everything in the car, I literally ran the cart back up. And by the time I got back to the car, my chest felt heavy and my heart was pounding. And it still hasn't let up. I work out five days a week. I should not get out of breath like that. And yet everyone just brushes me off when I say I think something is off in my body (my bet is still on magnesium deficiency). Then again, I am starting to think I could develop a lump the size of a baseball in my head and everyone would still brush me off and tell me I am fine.

WUT

I received the results of my ultrasound today:

Normal, but right ovarian cyst vs. dominant follicle present (both can be normal in cycle, but will follow)

I don't quite understand what that means. My sister asked me was I ovulating at the time of the test. When I calculated it, I was on day 18 of my cycle when I had the test done. I thought if anything would show on this test, it would be the left, not the right, since most of the time the pain is on the left side. Although I had a lot of pain this time around in my back towards the right side. I really want to see the actual radiologist's report, not what I received (just a note from PP with the results written). Oh and now I have to have a repeat ultrasound done. ARGH.

And not that anyone cares, but my period did finally come yesterday. I'll spare the details, but I have been having the day from HELL with it today.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Kanye West: "Am I the Only One That's Not Crazy?"

Below that article is an article on Vanessa Hudgens. Who the fuck cares about her anymore? She actually has fans still? What does she even DO? Every time I see a picture of her in her stupid hippie outfits and duckface, I want to punch her in the face.

Le Sigh

I was expecting my period on Monday. It still is not here. I am already freaking out that I could possibly be going through premature menopause. I keep poking and squeezing my boobs to see if they are sore. I think that because I have been complaining about my manager going through menopause that now I am being punished for bitching about it.

Really, going through early menopause shouldn't matter much to me, since I am not having kids, so who cares, right? And never having a period again? Well, I don't exactly want to experience menopause yet. I'm not ready for hot flashes and extreme mood swings. I already have the latter; I don't want them to get worse. Also, there is this:

POI/POF can coexist with other endocrine and nonendocrine diseases (eg, hypothyroidism, Addison disease, type 1 diabetes, pernicious anemia, lupus)  (from Medscape)

Not sure if it's implying POI/POF can cause Addison's or Addison's can cause POI/POF. Or both. But still. Then there is also this:

Women with Premature Menopause at Increased Risk for Potentially Fatal Adrenal Condition Early Diagnosis Can Lead to Effective Treatment

Come on man. I'm just finally accepting I do not have it. It's nice to not be a slave to the blood pressure cuff or mirror anymore. I don't need something to reel it back in.

I was sitting thinking one night how 2005 into 2006 was the last time I truly feared having a disease (MS). Then in 2011, it was a foot stress fracture and then Addison's disease. I am a little afraid to find out when and what the next case of the hypochondrias will be that will come in and take a hold of my entire life and rip a hole through my soul, although hopefully I might stop being so pig-headed and get the help I so badly need before that could happen again.

Lately I have been increasingly getting fearful of asking people to do things for me for fear that something will happen to them. I won't ask someone to stop in a store for me if they are near it, or even just pick up something for me while they are in a store because I am so fearful that I may cause something to happen to them by taking the time to do those things. But then I get afraid that I could also cause something to happen by not delaying them. It's difficult to explain. For example, say someone was at the market and called and asked me if I needed something. I say yes and tell them what to pick me up. And I start to wonder what if I ask them to do this for me and something happens to them because they took the time to do something? And then I get afraid to ask. BUT then I start to wonder well, what if I ask them to do something and prevent them from leaving just when an accident is about to occur, thus preventing them from getting into an accident? And then I am torn on what to do. Meh, this still doesn't explain it well. Anyway you look at it, it makes me want to put a bullet in my brain a lot of the time.

I am not even looking forward to the concert in less than two weeks because I am 1) getting very anxious over the non-seating arrangement and what the crowd is going to be like (dear God, please be mostly under 21 so I can hang in the bar area) and 2) I am getting anxious about something bad happening. Life really fucking sucks with mental illness. It takes the fun out of everything. And getting good, proper help is nowhere near as easy as people think it is.

Random Thoughts

Ugh, I loathe Sunday nights.

Last Thursday, I came very close to blowing up on my manager. Very close. I was working on a chart that day and I came across a sentence in one report that made no sense whatsoever. So I went and asked my FWA if she could make sense of it. She couldn't, so she told me to ask our most senior coworker, because she knows the job hands down. So I asked her and she told me what to put. She also told me to leave out something. Later on I took the file to my manager to go over. From the second I went into her office, she rubbed me the wrong way- being snippy, asking me where I got something when IT WAS RIGHT THERE IN THE DAMN REPORT.

And then because it wasn't sitting right with me, I brought up about that sentence and what my coworker told me to put. Well, she flew off the handle, to put it mildly. And something that could have been ranted about in under five minutes was ranted for over 15 minutes. And was still continuously brought up. And I was getting really agitated (and trying not to start crying; ugh I hate that) and getting kind of snippy myself. And the thing that pissed me off the most was I got incredibly snippy at one point and she actually had the nerve to mimic me back. And then she actually had the nerve to tell me at one point that I am not to ask this coworker for help anymore, I am to come to her. I wanted so badly to say, "but she is the only one who knows what she is doing; you have no fucking idea what you are talking about half of the time!". And after a while I think she could tell how upset I was getting and she said "I'm not mad at you". I felt like saying "go fuck yourself, you lousy incompetent excuse for a manager". Because she really is.

All she ever does is tell me to not be afraid to come ask for help, yet almost every time I go in to ask for help, it's either like I am inconveniencing her or she gets snippy. I was so upset on Thursday I wanted to walk out the door. I cried the whole way home from work because I was so upset. I don't even want to ask her for help anymore, which sucks because tomorrow I have to go in and finish working on a really difficult chart and I am really not feeling confident about it.

Oh how exciting. My FWA is finding out what her illegitimate brat is tomorrow. I have to laugh, because her car broke down for the umpteenth time on Friday and she was late to work for the umpteenth time. And she says to me "I think it's time for a new car". Oh, you think???! You have only been overdue for one by about 3 years. But oh no, having a baby that the taxpayers have to help fund was more important. I don't understand people's priorities AT ALL. I really don't understand what part of "you should be financially and mentally stable before you pop out a kid" is so difficult for people to understand. Why is it so goddamn difficult??

She wrote something on Facebook on Saturday that she is excited to have off on Monday. Ah yes, because you don't call out or leave early all of the damn time.

On another note....OMG at those storms in the Midwest. I know it's second season, but still. How scary. It's the second time in my life since I started following the SPC webpage that I have seen a high risk for severe weather issued. Two Particular Dangerous Situation tornado watches were issued earlier. Not sure if they are still in effect, or if any more have been issued. Three deaths. And this same system is heading for us overnight. Good lord.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Former Groupies Tell Their Stories on Reddit

Okay, the OP deleted the thread before I got the chance to read it, so that is a bit suspicious. But nooooooooo! Not my sweet curly-haired king! I don't want to hear this!

If it's true, I really should not be surprised. But still. It's disappointing to hear even apparently nice looking (I mean guys who look like they are really nice and sweet, not nice as in good looking; not that Andrew isn't extremely nice to look at, because he definitely is, but you get what I mean) guys are douche bags. Fame....I'm telling you. It can fuck up even the most decent people.

It's official. I hate all men.

5:45PM: Whew, it was about Ben. Even so.....ew. What a dick if it's true. The interviews I have read with them lately have not given me a very good impression of Ben. This did not help.

And I take back what I said about hating all men, but if I ever find out Andrew does this as well, which something tells me is very possible, then it is reinstated. And if it is and assuming she knows nothing about it AND does not partake in it herself, I hope his girlfriend rips his nads off.

Ugh Ugh Ugh

I hate being TMI, but oh well. All week I have had cramping across my lower back and the past couple days, it's being more towards the right side. Today it was spreading into the right hip area. It is incredibly difficult to describe. I've tried repeatedly but can never quite describe it properly. Just that it is similar to menstrual cramps, but with a burning sensation deep within. And sometimes the burning flares up a little, and when it does, I feel like I am just going to bleed all over the place (sorry. I'm sorry). I never do, but it certainly feels like it.

And a new thing has popped up. Yesterday and today I have had discomfort in the rectal area. Not the pain I get sometimes going to the bathroom, but just an uncomfortable pressure feeling, like I have to go to the bathroom, but cannot. It's incredibly annoying and uncomfortable. Add in the cramping, nausea, and terrible PMS I have been having and I feel like putting a gun to my head. If these symptoms subside when it comes on, and then reappear next month before it comes on, then I am definitely going to believe it's female related. And now I am really starting to wonder if I should push for a laparoscopy when I get medical.

Yeah. Okay.

Kings of Leon give girl advice to One Direction

Judging by their dating history, they should have just saved the time and wrote this:

Go for models and models only. Never mind the fact that if it were not for fame, these girls wouldn't give you a sixty-fourth of a glance. You are just too great and wonderful now to lower yourself to date anything else.

 Why I Regret Vaccinating My Kids

I have to admit that even though it was fiction, that episode of Flashpoint I watched on Sunday made me a little leary of vaccinations. Are there tainted ones that are just swept under the rug? Kind of scary when you think about it. But this part:

In knowing how radically vaccines have increased in both timing and amounts over the years, I couldn't help but wonder if this was contributing to the widespread increase of ADD/ADHD, allergies, asthma, seizures and chronic illnesses occurring in our children today.

Yeah, because the rise of ADD/ADHD and other mental illnesses have nothing to do with Big Pharma pushing their crazy pills onto everyone. And getting controversial here, why does no one ever question the rise of all of that shit due to the influx of IVF? I mean, really. I know it's an unfavorable opinion and I am nothing but some baby hating pro-abortionist who doesn't believe the sun shines out children's asses, but come on. I'll always support science to the death, but IVF is just creepy. You are playing God. Clearly there is some reason someone cannot have children.

And speaking of women problems, this cramping in my back is pretty bad right now. It is such a deep burning pain. It feels similar to menstrual cramps, but I am also wondering if it could be intestinal. I'm nauseous. Moody as anything. I came so close to blowing up on my boss earlier. Or walk out the door. But more on that later. I drove home in tears. I wish my period would come.

Ugh, my FWA just posted lyrics on Facebook. The particular lyrics are her new motto. Highlighted them and googled them. They are lyrics from Katy Perry's "Roar". Really? My ears are offended. Just gonna turn up "Mystery Disease" to ear shattering decibels.

OMG I can't believe I am going to be seeing them again in a little over two weeks. I can't believe it's that close already. Excuse me, I have to go squeal like a little girl.

ARGHHHHHHHH

I can't wait to get medical in a couple weeks. I am so fed up with being so cold all of the time. I have flannel pajamas, socks, and a heavy robe and I am freezing. My hands are like ice. And they hurt! And this bullshit of having the air conditioning on in work has got to go (my manager is going through menopause, so we all have to suffer for it). I walked in today- when it was around 30 degrees out- and the temperature was 66 degrees. It was freezing in the office. I could barely work all day because I was so cold and my hands were so cold. It physically hurt to do anything! One of these days I am going to take a sledgehammer to the case covering the thermostat.

I have had cramping across my lower back yesterday and today. I am nauseous. I am supposedly due for it around Monday, so I don't know if that is why I feel so shitty. Of course, now I am starting to get myself worried that I picked up something from one of my coworkers. I'm thinking of all of the things I could catch from my coworkers, especially the ones who have little kids. I'm starting to get to the point that I want to clean everything off  before I use it. I really can't afford to start becoming a germaphobic. Shit. Now my anxiety levels are starting to rise.

I just entered in a Coke cap code on My Coke Rewards and the word boob was in there. I am too old to be laughing at that. But I am going to anyway.

The WTF Of The Day

It Might Be Possible To Give HPV To Yourself

Wait....what? So now you can possibly give yourself an STD just by touching yourself?

Oh well. At least I still can't impregnate myself.

Random Thoughts

A couple weeks ago, one of the girls I used to work, but left right before I started, one of the oldest and most immature back-stabbing bitches in the office, had posted a picture on Facebook of her daughter helping with dinner. And my FWA leaves a comment joking that she wants to come to dinner. So my former coworker tags my FWA, my FWA's friend, and two other coworkers in a comment that says she needs to invite them for dinner some Saturday night. I was kind of in shock at it. Honestly, I want nothing to do with her, but it still stung a little. Actually more than a little. Especially since I know how much shit talking she did about my FWA and my FWA's friend. But hey, they want to be stupid and believe she is their friend, then go right ahead.

I only ever hear about her on ONTD, but lately there has been a lot of talk about Sky Ferreira. She reminds me so much of my FWA, it's creepy. Just imagine her with horrible acne, terrible teeth, a tongue stud, and white trashy. And that is my FWA. Oh, and pregnant. Can't forget pregnant. Ugh, the idea of that raising a child makes me want to drive my car off the nearest bridge.

Actually, a lot makes me want to do that, but that is neither here nor there.

Some time last week, I was coming home from work and got stuck behind a student driver. I was extremely agitated and while I wasn't tailgating, I was driving closer than I should have been. And later on that night, I started to feel bad about how I was driving so close. But then I thought about how once these assholes get their licenses, they'll probably be the same ones who defy the no cell phones/no texting laws because OMGZ nothing bad will ever happen me, and probably the same shits who party every weekend and drive drunk.

On the way to work this morning, I reminded myself to discuss something that happened in work a few weeks ago. Of course I nearly forgot. My God, my memory is getting terrible. Everyone keeps telling me it's because I am getting older. No, sorry someone should not have this bad of a memory at 29 years old. No, I blame psychiatric drugs. Especially Effexor. That evil spawn of Satan. I was watching some show called Flashpoint yesterday morning and some guy got a tainted vaccine and had developed ASL or something, so he went and held the lab hostage. I am surprised no one has ever did that with Big Pharma. Anyway, I am off topic here. A couple weeks ago, one of the big shots from up north came down and later on, one of my coworkers made a comment about it to me, then said "maybe he is here to fire us again", I said "I hope not", and then she said something that she would like that. And I felt like turning to her and say "JFC if you are that unhappy, then fucking quit already instead of bitching for over four years about how much you hate it here". Then we received an email today from Ms. Croquette telling us we were a percentage behind in revenue and if it isn't brought up, then we may have our holiday weekend taken from us. I wanted to round house kick my monitor. Are you fucking kidding me? I am looking forward to having off! Apparently they threaten that every year but it has yet to happen. Assholes.

Boy I can tell my PMS is showing. And I am not even due for another week! I feel like biting everyone's heads off. And have bitten a few off. I can't stand feeling this shitty, both physically and emotionally, every time it's going to be coming. And birth control is supposed to help! And it did not! Instead I was even more emotional and suicidal than usual!

Video Of The Day

"Here's the thing, Martin"



ETA 11/11/13: HOW DID I NOT KNOW THERE WAS AN EXTENDED VERSION????

Random Thoughts

I was just over on the Berry reading the comments in the Post Secret post and a whole bunch of pissed off mombies are attacking a post secreter who said they think all stay at home moms are lazy. And then a fight erupted between stay at home mombies and working mombies. Both need to shut the fuck up. I swear, I have never seen people whine so much in my life as mothers (and some fathers) do nowadays. You made the choice to raise another human being(s)! Deal with it!

Actually, pregnant women are pretty much on par with the whining. And the ones who constantly post on Facebook about how beautiful their bodies are after child birth even though they are not perfect and how mother hood is such a wonderful thing and "omgz I'm a mother, which makes me a teacher, doctor, nurse, etc!" and "I love being a mother" are the ones that seem to do the most bitching about how horrible they feel being pregnant or how hard it is to be a mother. They are the ones that when a Facebook friend makes a post about tired, are the same ones that post "omgz you never seen tired till your* pregnant!" or "you never seen tired till your* a mother". These women actually enjoy being pregnant and/or mothers? You wouldn't know it! Seems like more of an inconvenience than anything! And again- you made the choice.

*that is intentional, since 99.9% of Facebook postings never use the proper spelling of "you are"

A cousin of mine, the one with the absolute perfect life, was whining on Facebook one day because she had to go for a gestational diabetes test and said that pregnant women should become saints for all they have to go through. Really? You want to be sainted because you are doing what nature intended? Although I wouldn't say nature intended for her to be pregnant again.

Yesterday in work, there were no supervisors for a good hour. My FWA, another girl, and I were the only three in the office. I'll give you one guess who spent the hour working and who spent the hour doing no work and bitching about their jobs. I was so pissed off.

I got an email from my FWA last week asking for my address because she wants to invite me to her baby shower. I just stared at the screen thinking, oh god are you fucking kidding me?

I received a call on Thursday from the billing department of the imaging place where I had my ultrasound done and since the lady works the same shift I do, I had to call first thing in the morning. They are refunding me $146 of the $294 I paid. Huzzah!

I don't know how long it will take for any results, but I am frustrated. Especially if nothing shows up, because then what in the hell is going on in there? And even so, it still doesn't mean I couldn't have endometriosis. I could still very well have that. And the thing that is making me really start to worry is the past few weeks, almost every time I have had a good day with my stomach, whenever I am in the midst of um, going, I get really bad pains in the lower colon-rectum area. It's not severe pain or anything, but it's strong enough to make me gasp. And it starts from the bottom and shoots up. And it lingers for about 5 minutes after. Unfortunately, my next step would be laparoscopy and I am not ready to do that yet. At least not until I am insured.

My mother was telling a story on Sunday that I heard before about my neighbor across the street. She has a young brat, maybe 10 or 11, and when she was younger, my neighbor gave her a trust rating system of the neighbors. And apparently she (the mother) gave my parents a fair score. The story still pisses me off. I'm telling you right now- if you cannot trust your child with my mother, then you may as well not trust your child with anyone.

Nope.....Nope Nope Nope

Are Ocean Conditions Ripe for a Jellyfish Takeover?

Random Thoughts

As I have said, I have been pretty damn horny lately. Like maximum level horny. So I just decided to take care of some that and managed to have three pretty damn good orgasms. Particularly the last one. I think if someone else had managed to give me one that good, I probably would have inflicted some body harm from the intensity of it. But I started to cry after the first one, and even harder after the last one. I am so damn frustrated with not having love, and even more frustrated that I probably never will because I am so damn incompetent when it comes to relationships with other people. I know what will happen- I will become way too attached, fly off the handle at the slightest sign of abandonment, hate love hate love, become ridiculously anxious about something happening to the person and become overprotective, etc. I'm a fricking mess.

And then I started thinking about how I have mentioned several times before that I envy crush's and unrequited love's significant others. I don't think I should, but I do. Maybe it's a normal feeling, I don't know.  Mostly, though, I think it's not that I am really jealous but more because these people are significantly more attractive than me and it makes me feel really bad about myself (because I don't do enough of that already). And whether I have a chance with the person (real life) or a snowball's chance in hell (celebrity), it still fucking hurts like hell. But there still is no reason whatsoever for someone who is almost 30 years old to look at her celebrity crush's girlfriend and think Jesus, she is perfect, you will never be that tall, never that thin, never that gorgeous, never good enough, you should just go kill yourself already.

Every time I think I have finally fully comprehended just how fucked up my mind is, some new thought comes along and knocks me for a loop. Why is it I am fully aware that certain thought processes are wrong and fucked up, yet it still doesn't change the way I feel?

And one thing I do not understand is why I feel envious of a male crush's female significant other, but if it is another male, or if it's a female crush, I don't feel the least bit envy. I'd almost say it is because I can't compare myself to a male, but if a female crush had a female significant other, I still wouldn't feel envious. I don't know, I can't make sense of it.

Let's not get into how bad I am still feeling over the refusal to do a transvaginal ultrasound on me.

I have made one mention on here of Tamar Myers' Magdalena Yoder series. I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue reading the first book I read, but I did. And I am actually on my eighth book. They're kind of silly, but they can be pretty funny. I like Magdalena's constant references to "sturdy Christian underwear". I don't know why that makes me laugh so hard, but it does. I pulled out a pair of panties the other day and immediately thought of the books. I don't wear sturdy Christian underwear, but in this day in age of thong thong thong thong thongs, they're pretty conservative (I wear low rise briefs, sometimes bikinis, depends on how fat I feel).

The latest one I am reading, though, Batter Off Dead, I am just not feeling it. Her psuedo stepdaughter Alison is really starting to get on my nerves. I know she is a teen, but her grammar (double negatives; so many double negatives) makes me want to chew nails. Magdalena's new found confidence is so damn annoying. And the hundreds of the references to breast feeding or about Magdalena's boobs being engorged.....oh my god who the hell cares?

I know there was something else I wanted to talk about, but....slipped my mind.

Ugh

Less than an hour and a half until my appointment. All I keep thinking of is one of those wands being inserted up there and NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

ETA 8:42PM: Well, I did not have the transvaginal part done.  They wouldn't do it on me. I was so embarrassed I left the room and ended up bursting into tears in the waiting room. No, wait. First I went out, my mother asked me "you couldn't do it?", I said "no they wouldn't do it", "why?" and I dragged her out into the hallway and told her why. Then I burst into tears. So she says I should go back in and find out more information. One of the registrars saw how upset I was, so she explained to me some things, and then went back and got the tech, who explained to me that she saw everything clearly- my lovely lady parts, the ooterus, ovaries, and endometrium- on the pelvic ultrasound and if there was concern, then she would have done it. But they generally do not do it on people who aren't sexually active. Thank you, nonexistent sex life.

I tried so hard to watch the screen when she was doing the test. I am fascinated with seeing my innards. Especially because there have been brief delusional times where I worried that my whole life as a woman has been a lie and I don't actually possess internal female sex organs. I am not even joking. Of course, that makes no sense because if I did not possess a ooterus and ovaries, then how would I get my period? But I think I am long past the point of trying to understand my mind.

I hope they plan on knocking off some of my bill. This was the facility refusing to do it, not me. I am also bugged, because if nothing shows, then what in the hell is causing this mid-cycle bleeding and cramping all month long? Women don't just bleed and cramp for no reason.

Random Thoughts

Good news, everyone! Dairy Queen has [finally] decided to keep the pumpkin pie Blizzard around for November! I'M SO STOKED!!!!

And speaking of being stoked, I have to go for that ultrasound tomorrow. And wouldn't you know I started bleeding some today? I am so annoyed. I hope it stops before tomorrow. I do wonder, though, if the test can be completed, if I will end up bleeding some. My last pelvic exam I ended up bleeding. I am dreading this. I hope it doesn't hurt really bad. Or at all. And what if I end up getting turned on? And the fact that I have been really horny the past couple days won't help. Ugh, could you imagine? Oh god that would be so embarrassing.

Song Of The Day

Sure "Ho Hey" got overplayed a little, but I don't understand the hate for them:



"It's better to feel pain, than not feel at all"....I beg to differ.

Random Thoughts

So the other day in work, we have a patient come in with a dog. Everyone was saying it was a service dog, despite the fact that it was a teeny fluff ball, nothing like your typical service dog. Quite cute, actually, what I saw of it. A little while later, all this yapping erupts from the waiting room. Everyone was like oh it must be the service dog. I said that is no service dog. Everyone looked at me like I was nuts. Okay. A service dog would never just bark for the hell of it. That could put a disabled person's life in danger. No, it was probably a therapy dog. Or rather "therapy" dog. The idea of therapy dogs are nice, but it's another case of good things assholes had to ruin. People will take advantage of it, and they will say oh this is my therapy dog, when it reality, it is just an excuse to carry their poor dog around everywhere. People are such assholes.

And speaking of assholes, I went to Apple Fest on Saturday as usual. It was a nice day for the most part. Except for my brother-in-law wanting to be in control of everything. And all of the rude ass people. So many times did I have to resist putting my size 7.5 wide width Nikes up many asses.

I'm not looking forward to it, but I am kind of glad I am having the ultrasound done this week. All day in work, I had that dull burning pain in my left lower side. Right now it's across my lower back. It's not bad, but it is very uncomfortable. They're a little different than regular cramps, but damn, aren't menstrual cramps a few days out of the month enough?

Also, really? A skunk in my neighborhood? Yuck.

WUT

Sorry, boys, to take a line from your own song.....you skipped the ship with this video:



I didn't like any of that. It's not that I dislike the actual video itself. It was *clenches hands into fists and grinds teeth* actually kind of cute. But for that song, I did not like it. I've been wanting a video for this song so badly. This was not it. And I wish Andrew would stop doing that brushed back hair look, because it's nasty looking. Also, my inner 13 year-old girl wants to hate his girlfriend so much, but she's so damn cute, it's really hard to.

I'm sad now.

I Did It, Folks!

I finally did it! I finally scheduled an ultrasound appointment! I go next Wednesday. I'm so fucking stoked to go have a foot plus long wand shoved up my lady parts!

I can't deal with this bloating anymore. Something has to give. I don't want to wish anything wrong, but it would be nice if something was found in this ultrasound that would explain why I am so badly bloated. Naturally I am thinking as negatively as possible about this. The chances of it being cancer are slim, but it's not impossible. I honestly have no idea what I would do if someone said oh by the way, you have a mass on one of your ovaries. I would probably just say "oh; that sucks". Not to mention I have no idea how I would even treat it, considering I am not insured until next month. And I am not wasting my time buying from the marketplace. With all of the site problems and the gazillions of people trying to get health insurance, not to mention probably hordes of anti-Obamacare nutcases trying to sabotage the site, by the time I could actually get through to the website, I'll be covered through work.

Okay Then

Internet Risky for Self-Harming Teens, Study Finds

They actually had to do a study on that? Damn, I could have told them that.