Le Sigh

I was expecting my period on Monday. It still is not here. I am already freaking out that I could possibly be going through premature menopause. I keep poking and squeezing my boobs to see if they are sore. I think that because I have been complaining about my manager going through menopause that now I am being punished for bitching about it.

Really, going through early menopause shouldn't matter much to me, since I am not having kids, so who cares, right? And never having a period again? Well, I don't exactly want to experience menopause yet. I'm not ready for hot flashes and extreme mood swings. I already have the latter; I don't want them to get worse. Also, there is this:

POI/POF can coexist with other endocrine and nonendocrine diseases (eg, hypothyroidism, Addison disease, type 1 diabetes, pernicious anemia, lupus)  (from Medscape)

Not sure if it's implying POI/POF can cause Addison's or Addison's can cause POI/POF. Or both. But still. Then there is also this:

Women with Premature Menopause at Increased Risk for Potentially Fatal Adrenal Condition Early Diagnosis Can Lead to Effective Treatment

Come on man. I'm just finally accepting I do not have it. It's nice to not be a slave to the blood pressure cuff or mirror anymore. I don't need something to reel it back in.

I was sitting thinking one night how 2005 into 2006 was the last time I truly feared having a disease (MS). Then in 2011, it was a foot stress fracture and then Addison's disease. I am a little afraid to find out when and what the next case of the hypochondrias will be that will come in and take a hold of my entire life and rip a hole through my soul, although hopefully I might stop being so pig-headed and get the help I so badly need before that could happen again.

Lately I have been increasingly getting fearful of asking people to do things for me for fear that something will happen to them. I won't ask someone to stop in a store for me if they are near it, or even just pick up something for me while they are in a store because I am so fearful that I may cause something to happen to them by taking the time to do those things. But then I get afraid that I could also cause something to happen by not delaying them. It's difficult to explain. For example, say someone was at the market and called and asked me if I needed something. I say yes and tell them what to pick me up. And I start to wonder what if I ask them to do this for me and something happens to them because they took the time to do something? And then I get afraid to ask. BUT then I start to wonder well, what if I ask them to do something and prevent them from leaving just when an accident is about to occur, thus preventing them from getting into an accident? And then I am torn on what to do. Meh, this still doesn't explain it well. Anyway you look at it, it makes me want to put a bullet in my brain a lot of the time.

I am not even looking forward to the concert in less than two weeks because I am 1) getting very anxious over the non-seating arrangement and what the crowd is going to be like (dear God, please be mostly under 21 so I can hang in the bar area) and 2) I am getting anxious about something bad happening. Life really fucking sucks with mental illness. It takes the fun out of everything. And getting good, proper help is nowhere near as easy as people think it is.