Random Thoughts

Ugh, the tension levels in my house are ridiculous. Why can't my father go down the shore for the weekend like when he pulled the same shit on my grandmother's birthday last year? I can't even stand looking at him right now (although honestly there are a lot of people I am feeling that about right now). All I want to do is punch him in the face, which the idea of a 5'3 122 pound girl punching a 5'8 250+ man in the face makes me want to laugh for some reason.

I was up for well over 4 hours last night trying to sleep. I was exhausted, too. I can never make sense of that. How can you be beyond exhausted, but can't fall asleep? Well, it didn't help that my mind was running on full blast. I have had bad times with my anxiety flaring up right before I am due for my period, but it's been a long time since it flared up this bad. If ever.

It also didn't help that I had read an article right before I climbed into bed that was a real case of something I did not need to see at the moment. My self-esteem took a major blow. And it annoys me that I allowed it to. No one at my age acts like this.

I think that this is all OCD. Or really and truly hope that it is. It's unwanted. It's intruding. It persists. It causes anxiety. It's unreasonable (understatement of the century). Yet even knowing that this is probably all OCD, it's not helping me to not feel overly anxious and wretched. Or to not look at the person and want to throw my hands up in disgust.

I was thinking the other day about how my stress tolerance levels have decreased drastically and how if something really stressful were to happen to me, like a death or natural disaster, I would not be able to handle it. I would either finally break down completely or I would drop dead. And while I am back to believing that I may not have Addison's disease, if I had to deal with as much stress as I probably put on my adrenal glands, I'd up and quit too.

My personality has taken a huge turn, and not for the better. I don't ever recall being as stressed out about things as I am now. And while some of my stress is legitimate and over real life worries, the majority is (are?) over the stupidest things on earth. And as I said, my tolerance levels are very low. I can't deal with loud noise, especially screaming bratty children. I can't deal with crowds. If more than one person talks to me, I get stressed. If multiple conversations are going on, I get stressed. If I have multiple things to do, I get stressed. If I only have one thing to do, I get stressed. My attention span is shot. If someone talks to me while I am reading, I completely lose focus. If I am on the phone, and someone other than the person on the phone talks to me, I completely lose focus. I can read an entire page and not comprehend one thing I read. I can't remember anything, except shit I don't want to think about.

I just realized I used the word retard in another post and I should go omit that. I know I have said before that I don't understand people who get hung up on others using the word, since how many people would really ever use it towards an actual mentally retarded person, but I said it one day and felt really bad after saying it, and I decided I wanted to stop using it. And it's not something I would really ever admit out loud, but if I had children and one of them ended up mentally retarded, I would show some favoritism to the mentally retarded child.

On another note, I was just on D-Listed and someone mentioned Raptor Jesus and I looked it up on Google Images and now I cannot stop laughing. Good. I need this laugh.