Random Thoughts/Video Of The Day

Oh how I wish the weekend would get here already.

And how I wish Saturday will end up really being the Rapture.

Today has been a day of interesting news. One piece of news made me really look at someone in a whole new light (not particularly good). The other didn't bother me as much as I thought it would, but it is bothering me somewhat. And I am really trying not to let it bother me. But it's getting a little difficult. It could be nothing. And the logical part of my brain keeps breaking in and saying bitch, you are being ridiculous. But the malfunctioning part of my brain isn't hearing it.

I hate my brain. I want to stab it with a Q-tip.

And here is the Video Of The Day, a song still makes me laugh my ass:

Random Thoughts

I am little late on this, but holy freaking crap! I can't believe Congress actually passed the healthcare reform bill through!

It absolutely astonishes me how many people believe there should be NO healthcare reform. Rich morons, blockheads who already receive socialized medicine, and idiots with the "it can never happen to me" mentality are the ones most likely to be against it. You can't lose your health insurance? It's here to stay forever? You will never lose your job? You won't get a fucking brain tumor and have your health insurance refuse to pay your bills? Aetna won't deny you coverage because you stuffed your face with fattening foods and are now fat as hell and have diabetes? No. None of this will happen to you because nothing bad could ever happen to you. Bad things don't happen to you because God loves you and thinks your special.

Yeah. Keep telling yourself that. Or better yet, get bent.

If I had to say the one good thing about me having obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety is I never have the mentality of "it could never happen to me". In fact, I have the exact opposite- it will happen to me! Thinking bad things will always happen to you is, quite frankly, a better situation to be in then to think it never will. That way, if it does, it won't be that shocking.

People who want healthcare reform are not all "gimme gimme gimme everything for free" or have the I am owed stuff mentality. I am not asking for free health insurance. I am asking for health insurance that won't murder my finances. Healthcare reform is more than just affordable healthcare, assholes. It's about having the peace of mind that if you develop cancer or something else, your health insurance company won't fuck you up the ass. It's about not having to worry that when you are able to get health insurance, you won't be denied coverage because you are sick. I am terrified that when I apply for health insurance, I am going to be denied due to being sick in the head. Oh sure, health insurance companies don't want to treat mental hilarity the same as diabetes, but they will have no problem denying coverage.

People who are uninsured are not all lazy bastards. I see many files a day where the person is uninsured and most of them have decent jobs!

I would say that I think every Congress member who voted nay have their socialized medicine revoked, but then there are some, like John Adler, who voted against it for a different reason.

Like Lady Miss Kier wrote on her FB page:

prayers don't pay the Doctor's bills

Darren Hayes' response to the passing was just as good:

Welcome to the 21st Century. Amen

In less than a month, it has been almost 2 years since my friend was killed in a car accident. I have never really been able to react to it. A month or so ago, "Don't Look Back In Anger" by Oasis came on (it was one of her favorite bands) and I broke down a little. The other night, I was doing something and I had been listening to "Anthem" and something made me think of her and when the "this is an anthem for...." part came on, I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I have never properly grieved over her death and while I still don't think I have, that was the closest I have come. It's hard to grieve over someone's death when you don't see death as all that bad.

I did have a nice day today. Then I had to go and ruin it by stepping on the scale and finding out I was about 7 to 8 pounds heavier than what I weighed Thursday morning. Certainly much of it was probably from my high sodium laden dinner and 100+ oz of soda. I was already unhappy with the scale Thursday. I was kind of bad last weekend- not the worst I have ever been- and I have been having stomach trouble all week so whether that attributed to the 1.5 to 2 pound weight gain I saw Thursday I don't know. SO what did I in response to that 7/8 pound weight hold? I gorged. And then I threw up. Three times. Most of it was liquidy. I don't even know if I threw up what I gorged on. For a while, I was doing this once a week. Then I finally put a stop to it. And then I had to go and do it again last week. It needs to stop. I don't want to turn into a full fledged bulimic. My esophagus is on fire right now. I already have acid reflux. If I keep this up, I am not going to have any esophagus left. I am very angry at myself for engaging in vomiting again.

I am sick of my brain. I know that there are many things in my life where I feel the complete opposite of what "normal" people feel, but I truly wish that something other than a chemical imbalancement is what is behind my whole being. A brain tumor, a nervous system disorder, whatever- anything is better than saying "oh no, my serotonin/dopamine/whatever the fuck is behind it are all off". It's a sick, sad thing to say, but I want to have an MRI or whatever done and be told there is a brain tumor or lesion or something. Anything to explain this abrupt nasty change in me. Until then....where the hell is that Q-Tip?

Where Was That Q-Tip When I Needed It?

I don't know what the hell has been going on the past 2 days, but whatever has the obsessive-compulsive disorder (notice I never refer to it as my obsessive compulsive disorder; I don't friggin want it) exacerbated needs to knock it off. Certainly, it exacerbates it and the flare up can linger for a few days after it ends, but I have yet to get it and the OCD flares up right when it is ending.

The past couple mornings, I have woken up and the second my eyes open, my mind starts running full speed. Just everything has been going through my mind- my job, my need to finish college, not having insurance, how if I were to apply for Medicaid or something similar I would probably just be turned down because I am not knocked up and I don't have 74 children, how I am turning into a borderline sociopath, etc. Last night, it came before I even got the chance to fall asleep. I was a raving maniac. I was hysterical crying, pacing the living room, pulling at my hair, and then finally had a full blown panic attack and had to lie on the floor because I thought for sure I would pass out. Afterwards, I had to shove my face into a pillow and scream at the top of my lungs. I think if I had insurance, I probably would have driven up to the funny farm I stayed at before. I wasn't even feeling suicidal per se. It was more of "I just want to be fucking dead". Please. I am too fucking chicken shit to commit suicide. That is why I never understand why people say suicide is cowardly. Could you put a gun to your head and blow your brains out? And don't give me that crap that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem because you know what? There are just some problems in this freaking world that are not going to go away!

I had to have been feeling pretty bad to even contemplate going back to that hellhole again.

I don't understand how one goes from caring about people to absolutely hating them in a short amount of time and vice versa? Saturday, I cursed my parents when they weren't around and thought how much I hate them and as expected, about 45 minutes later, I was sobbing because I felt so horrible about thinking that. I snap out on them and not long after, I feel awful. They can do the littlest thing and I will hate them for it. Sometimes they don't even have to do anything and out of nowhere, I will feel this intense hatred for them. This goes on every freaking day, several times a day. I don't understand what is happening to me. I feel like my I am losing absolute control of my life, my mind, everything. I get angry and fly off the handle over the stupidest things. My life feels like a big freaking quarry of nothing. What the hell is wrong with me?

I don't understand how I am someone that once I start something, I have to finish it and yet I just cannot apply this to college. I started it, but I just can't seem to get anywhere in finishing it. I have already talked about how I feel about college in general. I get excited about going back and then I think about how I feel like I have been there forever already and yet I still have so many classes to take and I panic. Right now, I don't even know how I could handle college. I never seen anyone get stressed over stuff like me. I get stressed and all worked up if I have to make a freaking phone call. I'd probably have another nervous breakdown if I went back to school right now.

I fucking hate how everyone who is against health care reform can stand there and say that that is why Medicaid and stuff exists. Oh. Sure. Have these dopes ever checked how to qualify for Medicaid and shit? I just checked my state's requirements and I already can see I don't qualify. Oh sure, I am a state resident. I am a US citizen. But I am 65+. I have not been defined as disabled. I don't have any crotchspawn. And I most certainly am not pregnant. I love that so much. It's one thing if you get yourself knocked up while insured and then lose your job and insurance. But then you get the lovely lowlifes like my sister takes care of who have nothing better in life than to abuse the welfare system and get knocked up constantly. Why should people who have never worked a day in their life because they decided their career in life is to be on welfare and can't keep their fucking legs closed, but didn't make sure they were able to take care of themselves and the little crotch fruit first be more eligible to get state health aid over me or some other individual who loses their job and health insurance and needs something while they find work? What if a single childless person has medical and gets ill and their insurance gets rid of them? Could they get Medicaid? Probably not. And no other insurance will take them due to this pre-existing condition crap. It's fucking bullshit! Nevermind the fact that we paid our fucking taxes and contributed to society! We should be eligible to get temporary help if we need it! We shouldn't have to be 65 or disabled or be knocked up or have kids.

It's an absolute shame when social programs end up being bad. Welfare, SSI, SSD, and other things would be great if people didn't abuse them. It makes my blood boil.

I am also sick of this new age of coddling pregnant women and acting like getting knocked up is this uncontrollable disability. Newsflash- getting knocked up is a choice! Unless you are raped!

Random Thoughts

The great thing about the internet is finding all sorts of information. However, it never seems like I can find anything I am looking for! For instance, the past few weeks I have noticed that whenever I push my car over 50 mph, I will start to smell a burning smell. And thinking that surely someone else in the world has had this problem, I hopped right on to Google and tried several different searches and no answer was found.

Last night, my sister and I ate at Baja Fresh, my first time there. Since I am one of the fussiest eaters on earth (although you wouldn't know it, would you), I went with what I usually get at Taco Bell- a chicken soft taco with nothing on it. The BF website lists the soft chicken taco at 230 calories, but this is with salsa, lettuce, and cheese on it. The first time my food was brought out, it had about 5 pounds of cheese on it, even though I said I wanted nothing on it and the cashier even said no cheese. If the 230 calories is based on that much cheese, how the hell many calories were my 2 tacos really? Figuring I could find it on Google, I have been trying different searches and I am still finding no answer. I need to know, dammit!

It's a shame- when I go out to eat, if something goes wrong with my food order, I am terrified to send it back! I don't have that problem much and usually if something comes out wrong, I try to be nice about the mistake, even though there are times I want to throw the food at the person's head. I mean, is it really that fucking hard to comprehend someone ordering a cheeseburger and saying just bun, burger, and cheese? That does not mean tomato and lettuce! But it usually has to be something pretty drastic for me to send it back, like if I order my red meat well-well done and my burger comes out still mooing. But people are such assholes nowadays, it doesn't matter how nice you try to be about it. I think it's disgusting that people actually spit into customer's food (although some people really do deserve it). If I owned a restaurant and caught my employees doing that, I would....well, I don't know I would do. It would be a spur of the moment choice.

Speaking of nasty shit, I just got off reading a forum where people where bashing fast food and it made me think of an infomercial I seen one night in the middle of an insomniac haze. I think it was for that Colon Cleanse thing and it showed this big hunk of raw red meat with a needle stuck in it and it made me want to vomit! I am getting queasy just thinking about it. Since that, I think a lot when I am eating something and wonder what the hell am I putting in my body. I have never been a real big red meat person and have often contemplated giving it up on many occasions, but I do enjoy eating burgers. I have briefly considered going vegetarian many times over the year, but I just love chicken so goddamn much, I don't know if I could give it up! My body would probably be glad to give it up, but my brain wouldn't! Not that brain is exactly something to listen to. My brain is also the same thing that tells me I am in the wrong body and by wrong body, I don't mean genderwise. I have no problem with my gender, except the whole menstruation and expecting to have children thing. Oh and the fact that we are still receiving considerably less pay than men and our health insurance rates can be higher. But no, I do not mean I feel like I should be a male.

What was it that Homer Simpson said once? That's right- "shut up brain or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!". Heed that advice, brain, or I will use more than a Q-Tip!

Unfortunately, it's not an original thing, although I do recall finding them ugly for quite a long time, but I absolutely, positively cannot STOMACH Ugg boots. The first time I seen someone wearing them, I said what the fuck are those? It's not even the actual boots that piss me off so much. It's how people wear them. They don't look too atrocious with jeans, although it looks pretty dumb when they are worn over them. But it's this whole new look of wearing them over sweatpants or with shorts or skirts that makes me want to go into a Hulk-esque rage. One night I even googled how many others share my hate and I came across another blog where someone complained about Ugg boots and some girl, probably some prepubescent little snot nosed shit named Madison with a voice that peels wallpaper, wrote a comment to the blogger about hating Uggs and she went on some tangent about the blogger being jealous and would she buy them if they were cheaper. Jealous? Why is that always the only reason someone can hate on something in this stupid world? Gee, everyone hates Bin Laden; I guess we are all just jealous of him. If Ugg boots cost $0.50, I still would not buy them. If they were free, I still would not buy them. If someone paid me to own a pair, THAT I would do. But then I would just take the boots and give them to a dog to destroy while I sit on my ass and laugh maniacally.

Jealous of boots. Ha! I almost pissed my pants laughing when I read that.

And the thing that makes me laugh is when all these stupid girls flood the comment sections of blogs to say "omgz why do u watse ur tim complaining abut Uggs? get a life, jelous ahter!". Gee, who knew that because you offended some little snot nosed teenager that you can't write about whatever you want IN YOUR OWN DAMN BLOG?

You know, I am all for preserving the environment and keeping it beautiful, but this whole "going green" is really starting to grind my gears. I went up to my community college a few weeks ago to get a new copy of the program catalog and the girl behind the counter tells me they no longer print the catalog; I have to get it off the internet. I don't go for that. I need hard copies of things and I certainly don't have the money to sit and print out the whole damn catalog. I have heard of schools going green and making their students get their books on the computer. What a bunch of bullcrap. I can't read well on the internet. If I try to read an article, I get lost easily and then I get annoyed. Plus, I liked to read and highlight and write side notes with my own damn hand.

PS- why is it so damn hard to find a t-shirt that says "Sweet zombie Jesus!" on it and contains a picture of the Professor? And why is it so goddamn hard to find a set of decent colored purple curtains that are NOT sheer?