Random Thoughts

Happy New Year to all! It was nice to have another day off and this time wasn't ruined by me waking up early feeling nauseous and warm, although I did wake up early to use the bathroom and for some reason, it occurred to me that although I did have it on the TV, I never actually saw the Times Square ball drop and I dwelled over it for a while (I swear, OCD is a fucking nightmare, but sometimes it just plain doesn't make sense). I'm sad to see the holiday season end, but before I know it, I'll be out in the stores and seeing Christmas stuff popping up again.

Plus, I am eager to go to that gynecological appointment at the end of the month. I just want an answer, although I am terrified it's going to be exactly what I fear it to be. It just seems like every time I turn around, I have a new symptom and when it's googled (I know, I know) it can be a symptom of menopause. At this point I am starting to think everything under the sun can be a menopause symptom. I've had this new thing lately where when I move my head certain ways, I feel like my hands and feet are buzzing, along with the head buzzing that I have been dealing with for 9 years since I went off of Effexor. I have no cervical problems, so I doubt very much it's that. I have also been having sensitivity with my hearing and loud noises give me the same buzzing feeling in my head just like when I turn it. And when I get off of my bike, I get this twitching feeling in my legs, mainly in the thighs, something I swore I used to only get right before I was due for my period, but now have nearly every time I exercise. But I am not supposed to be worried that there is something wrong with my hormones, right?

I can't believe it's been 9 years since I went off of Effexor. Which means January 13th will be 9 years since I was hospitalized. And I am no better than I was then. Worse, in fact. I definitely believe I am more of a train wreck than I was then. Just almost 60 pounds lighter.

A couple months ago, I sent a message to that girl I had been talking with who kind of just dropped off the face of the earth and was surprised to actually get a response from her. She was all apologetic that she hadn't kept in contact and asked me how things were and I wrote her back again and talked about some things and asked what was going on and how she was doing. Never got a response. A few weeks later, I sent her a message with some music suggestions (she had asked me before to recommended any good music, seeing as we had similar tastes). Never got a response. I think I am officially giving up keeping in contact with her.

I really miss talking to that guy Sam. I still would like to know whatever happened with him. I know he had health issues, so I am hoping he didn't die or something. Or there is always that sickening feeling that he was really a fraud and was mind fucking me. Which would be horrifying, because I told him things that my own family doesn't know about me. He knew about That Thing. And he did not judge me one bit for it (at least, not in email). To have someone not only not stop talking to me after telling something like that, but to not criticize me for it either meant a lot.

Ugh I don't feel like going back to work tomorrow, although at least it's Friday. But then Monday will roll around quickly and from this point on, there will be no days off until Memorial Day and it will be weeks upon weeks of work or until I decide to say fuck this and take a day off. No one will be out on maternity leave this year so I will feel more relaxed in taking time off. Last year I didn't take one day off the entire time my FWA was out on maternity leave because I felt so guilty in doing so and I was pretty burned out. I think that was one of the things that pissed me off the most about asking for 3 days off in August and not getting approved for it; I had not taken a day off since February. And the way my manager has been letting people take off together, it infuriates me even more that she left me hanging like she did. We just had 3 people off the day after Christmas, 2 of which do similar jobs. But I couldn't get immediately approved to have off the same time as someone who very rarely does my job. Go figure.

There was a gallery of would you rather pictures on the Berry last night and the first one was give up cheese or give up oral sex and I was astonished by the amount of people in the comments saying they don't what they would rather give up. I honestly never realized so many people were in to oral sex. I know I am an oddball, but I am truly and utterly repulsed at the thought of oral sex, whether giving or receiving (more so at receiving, I think; I am a fanatic about keeping down below clean and no matter how much I do so, I still always feel dirty so the idea of someone putting their mouth down there fucking grosses me out beyond belief). Surely I cannot be the only person on earth who feels that way, but I am starting to think that I am. 

I was just on Yahoo Answers and there was some kid complaining because he is 14 years old and still a virgin. I....I don't even know where to begin with that.

Random Thoughts

Ugh, I have been so damn horny the past few days. I don't know why, except that I am more than likely ovulating, judging by physical evidence. It's really bad, like if a hot guy were to tell me he wanted to have sex with him, all I can think of is 2 words- crushed pelvises. And guys with seriously weird hair seem to be really igniting my loins.

But thank god I am not having sex, because according to WebMD I am apparently at my highest fertility period right now. And we don't want to take any chances with that now, do we? Because we all know if I am not going through early menopause and/or having hormonal problems, that I am probably fertile as fuck, right? Sure I'd use protection, because I'd never have sex without battening down the hatches, but why take that risk?

Come to think of it, it has been more than a few days. I was super randy on vacation. The whole ride home I was about to lose my mind. Do you know how difficult it is to sit in a car for over 11 hours with your lady parts tingling?

I was about 127, 128* pounds when I got on the scale this morning. I am a very unhappy camper. I was 124, 125* pounds before I left for vacation. I am so bloated I want to scream. I don't understand why this bloating is not going away. When I get like this, I start to worry that I am going to be one of those cases I have read about on the internet in the past, where the person has bloating and weight gain and the doctors can't find any answer and the person continues to gain weight . I swear to God I will do myself in if that happens.

*the reason I put the range is because my scale is super ancient and has a needle and all it does is bob back and forth

I was super excited when iOS 8 was released the other day, because the last Apple update is murdering my battery, and I was all set to update my iPad, only to discover that I need about 4 point something GB of space to update and I don't even have a gig of space. I raged hard.

"Let Her Go" by Passenger popped up in my iTunes shuffle earlier. I can finally listen to that song without wanting to scream, since I no longer hear it 5,000 times a day.

The one thing I like about my favorite radio station is they generally don't overplay shit, but every so often they will get a song and kill the hell out of it. I am starting to grow a little tired of "Take Me To Church" by Hozier and "Riptide" by Vance Joy, two songs I do like but they constantly play and play and play and play. Also, some of the stuff they continue to play is questionable. Like enough with the stupid frat boy shit they play, like "Freshman" by the Verve or that annoying song about the car is in the front yard and he's sleeping with his clothes on (god that song makes me SEETHE). And for the love of God, enough with Oasis and Blink-182!

And then when they finally decide to play something other than "Kids" and "Time to Pretend" they choose something off of Oracular Spectacular! There are two other albums, folks! Then again, I tend to forget that most people dislike those brilliant albums.

And speaking of shuffle mixes and rage, how in the hell is it I hit shuffle on a playlist of almost 900 songs and I swear I hear the same ones over and over again? The hell, Apple?!

Earlier in work, 3 of my coworkers were out on a smoke break and my FWA had just come back from lunch (50 minutes) and asked me where they were out and I told her. She makes some comment that oh they seem to take a lot of smoke breaks anymore (as far as I know, they only take 2 while on the clock), oh but she got lectured about her pumping. I just looked at her. I haven't heard her do it in awhile, but apparently she still likes to play the oh everyone gets away with shit except for her card. Yeah. Okay. Whatever helps you sleep at night, honey.

"A Song Can Change Your Life" by Mark Masri just popped up on my shuffle list. Damn, I can't remember the last time I listened to that song. Probably 2010.

The WTF Of The Day

It Might Be Possible To Give HPV To Yourself

Wait....what? So now you can possibly give yourself an STD just by touching yourself?

Oh well. At least I still can't impregnate myself.

Tweet Of The Day

Watched a sex scene in a theatre that was like 15 min long but felt like an hour,it was so awkward&quiet and I've never had to laugh so much
— Nanna (@nannabh89) October 7, 2013

Hmmmm

Now I take all blind items with a grain of salt, but this one really intrigued me:

Blind Items Revealed

Now I am no fan of Taylor Swift. But minus the clinginess and possessiveness, this makes me kind of sad if there is any truth to this. People are going to rag on her for not being that interested in sex. So what if she isn't that interested in it? Not everyone is a stage 5 horn dog ready to bed everything in sight. I don't understand why that has to be a bad thing.

Picture Of The Day

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Twenty nine years-old and the sight of a sperm still makes me hoot with laughter.

The WTF Of The Day

One Direction Facts

Um....wow. How? Just how do they get this information?

This puts my stanning to shame. Big time. I know nothing of the sort when it comes to Andrew. The most private information I know about him was he was a virgin when he graduated high school. And was given a blowjob sometime during his college years (Ew. I don't care how prudish it sounds, blowjobs gross me out. I don't think I'd go that far even on Andrew. And I'd be willing to do a lot with him. The only way I'd give a blowjob is if the dude's penis was shooting out ice cream. Or whipped cream. Or rice pudding. And I don't know why, but that picture of him in the article makes the whole virgin information all the bit more funnier. Andrew's a good boy.). I probably could find some of this information if I went into the deep, dark scary depths of the internet, although I doubt I'd ever see an ultrasound picture like that of him. He was born 10 months before me. I imagine if his mommy had an ultrasound, it looks like mine- you can't see shit. My mother's ultrasound of me is hilarious. Especially compared to my sister's ultrasounds of her baby.

There is something creepisweet about those ultrasound pictures, although I am surprised there is an ultrasound of Louis. I thought he was just spawned from the depths of hell. And Jesus, Liam! If it is true....10.2 inches?! Mother of penis! I have to go find a ruler and check this out.

Random Thoughts

I'm still in awe that Obama won. And you know what the funny thing is? When the opponent gives the concession speech, I always feel a little bad for them. I don't know why. I shouldn't. I do not care for Romney, and especially not for Ryan. God, that guy gives me the creeps. I felt bad in 2008 when McCain gave his speech as well. I think I might have mentioned it before.

Mom was funny on Tuesday night. She was so excited Obama won.

I stayed up and watched the speech even though I was exhausted and there was one point where they showed this young black kid, maybe 10 years old or so, and the look on his face. He had this look of absolute hope, like if this man in front of me can do it, I can do it too. It warmed my heart. The look on his face made me want to cry more than the president's speech.

I went shopping with my mother and my sister because she wanted to get a new maternity top and since the maternity section is right next to children's, she had to use the fitting room in that section. And while I was waiting, I happened to look over at these bras for little girls. And I was like if those are padded, I am going to scream. And sure enough, they were. It made me want to throw up. Can someone please explain to me why a young girl needs to wear a padded bra? And look, I had a time in my life where I couldn't wait to grow up, but as a grown up now, it fucking sucks. Life can really suck as an adult. Enjoy being a kid as much as you can.

My sister contacted a former coworker, who I had worked for as a babysitter, about me maybe going to Planned Parenthood to have a check-up for why I keep bleeding in between periods (what? I felt really weird contacting her myself). But she said the same thing my sister said- they probably would put me on birth control. I don't want to go on birth control because 1) duh, possible weight gain and 2) I don't want to fuck with my hormones, although it appears something isn't right with them anyway. But since the fear of Addison's disease appeared in my life, I don't like the endocrine system. I don't want to mess with it. Every time I see those commercials on TV for drugs for low testosterone or menopause, or this thyroid drug in one of the catalogs we receive, I want to scream. Don't mess with your endocrine system! Don't mess with it because you are not horny or can't get a fucking boner. Don't mess with it unless it's life threatening.

Besides, I am not sexually active. If I were, then yes, I would probably be on some type of birth control. And sexual pardner would have some kind of protection as well. No condoms, no sex. I do not want any unneeded pregnancies or STDs. Particularly the former.

The Headline Of The Day

Cow Sex Blocks Traffic On West Pennsylvania Highway

*snickers* 

The Headline Of The Day

Yes, I know I just condemned the HP yesterday, but this was too good to pass up:

Horseshoe Crab Mating Ritual Is The Oldest Beach Orgy

God, even crabs are getting laid.

And now all I can think of is that episode of Futurama, "Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?", when Zoidberg goes back to his home planet to mate. Not one of my favorite episodes, but I do love when Zoidberg loses his freaking mind in the gym (about 1:30 in):

Random Thoughts

Once again, here I am, sitting in the middle of a major crossfire going on in my brain. One side is arguing that no I do not want to die, that if I could just get it together, life could be good and the other side is arguing why don't I just get the guts to kill myself already. I just want to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP at both sides.

And if the Addison's fear was a human being, I'd take a pillow and watch with overwhelming glee as it suffocates to death. Four months is too long. I can't deal with it anymore. Every single new symptom I get is somehow attributed to it (and it doesn't help when said symptom is on the list of Addison symptoms). I am sick of being in the bathroom twice the length of normal time because I have to look over exposed areas. And forget it if I am getting a bath and am naked. Then it's even longer. The past few days I have been peeing a lot and right away, it's Addison's. Most conventional webpages do not have frequent urination listed as a symptom, but I have seen it.

I also keep getting muscle twitches on both of my legs and I don't even know if they could be a symptom of it, but in my mind it is. And forget questioning the pain in the back of my right leg. There is no doubt in my sick fucked up mind that it is a sign I have it.

I don't know what it will take for me to get rid of this fear, except to have the damn ACTH stimulation test done and it come back normal. Right now that is about the only thing that can get rid of it. Or to even just have an endocrinologist check me out and give his or her opinion. But I have no insurance! So that option is out, unless I get desperate enough to pay out of pocket.

I am tired of worrying about this and quite frankly, I am tired of having to discuss it.

I was reading an article yesterday and there was playful teasing going on over when someone lost their virginity and I know the teasing was harmless, since they certainly do not dislike this person, but it still made me feel kind of bad. And it's been eating at me all day. I hate that I let myself feel bad for still being a virgin. Why does it have to be such a big deal, though? I certainly never anticipated being one at 28 years old (then again there is a lot I never anticipated happening in my life). I expected to at least have lost it by now.

And as more time goes, the more I loathe myself and eventually a point is going to come where I am not going to want to sleep with anyone because I am going to be so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and my body. Come to think of it, I am already getting pretty close to that point now.

I am also kind of nervous how the whole experience will be. Will I really know what to do. Will the guy suck. Will I suck. Will I actually have an orgasm. Will he really have no STDs. How painful it is going to be for me. How fucking awkward it is going to be. Oh god, I'll probably get so nervous and uptight, it will end up resembling high class British porn.

I don't know anymore. I'm at the door. I just need to get the strength to knock.

The Awesome/Quote Of The Day

In the Philadelphia Daily News every Friday, there is a column written by two people named Steve and Mia. On Friday, this letter was sent in:

I got drunk at a party and got involved in a threesome. I was more of an observer than anything. But now I can't get the image of my boyfriend having sex with my friend out of my head. He says nothing has changed and that he still loves me. But I'm still feeling weird.

Mia's response was so awesome, my head almost exploded from it:

I don't feel sorry for you. You acted like a fool. You got plastered at some party, took your clothes off, had three-way sex and now you're having regrets. There's nothing you can do about it now. Next time, think first.

Picture(s) Of The Day

I actually just took a look at the link posted at the bottom of this page and....oh god.

http://www.davidmcclelland-photography.com/slideshows/mgmt/

I think all but two are of Andrew. I think one is a picture of Ben. But that's okay, because he is a cutie too. But am I terrible person for thinking "I bet that kid is Jewish" (he is) the first time I saw a picture of him? I swear on all that is holy that it was just a benign thought. It was one of those things that just popped into my head, and then I thought why did I just think that?

I can't stand it. Andrew is so freaking gorgeous! OMFG. And while there is something about Andrew that makes me feel really guilty talking dirty about him....could you imagine looking up and seeing this during sex (especially compared to picturing looking up and seeing this. Which reminds me. I saw a posting on his Facebook page that I will screen capture and write a posting about that basically says to me, if this kid is not gay, then I am not insane. Also, in case you have not noticed by now, Mike has officially been overthrown and dethroned as supreme ruler of my celebrity crush world. I don't know how it all went down, but I heard that it was peaceful and something about a rainbow poncho. But I promise you will never hear me talk about Andrew the way I talked about Mike. Why? Because there is something I have for Andrew that I do not and will never have for Mike. It's called respect.)? Sweet zombie Jesus. I can't even begin to IMAGINE the orgasm I would have. I also think I would have probably have a heart attack or stroke right afterwards. It's almost criminal for a boy to be that beautiful. And I don't care if he is totally ripping off My Chemical Romance or not (which I do see a strong resemblence between these pictures and "Welcome to the Black Parade" and while I'll admit Gerard Way is kind of hot (when he is not bleached blonde), Andrew is still significantly- no make that infinitely, more sexy).

I just look at pictures of him, with that too cute baby face and that sessy body and that adorable unruly mop of curls on his head that reminds me of the Shire, and all I can do is....is....is....is



















I seriously have no idea what I would do if I ever came face to face with him. I'd probably squeal like a 12 year old girl. But that's disturbing. After all, I am only about 10 months younger than him. But WTF, I am sure he has met worse! Nah, I am sure I would [try to] behave myself. However, I may just tip toe the creepiness factor and ask him if I can touch his hair.

1:47AM: GOD I AM SO FUCKING HORNY RIGHT NOW

AND THOSE PICTURES DID NOT HELP!

Random Thoughts

I am so glad the week is finally over! Although I am REALLY not looking forward to this Monday coming. One, it's getting closer to the end of the month and two, my WA is back. Which means my enjoyment of having conversations with others without worrying about her interrupting is going to be coming to end. Huzzah. Or at least until I go postal on her one day about it.

And if the news I was given about her the other day is true, then I know for a fact that she is, like everyone else, not someone I can trust. And if what I was told is true, I would like to punch her lights out. And if it is true, then she is also even stupider than I could ever imagine. I mean, this piece of news almost made my head explode from the sheer stupidness of it. It hurts my head just thinking about it right now. How, I want someone to explain to me, is it I am a virgin and I know more about sex than most of the people out there ACTUALLY HAVING IT?!!!!!

And seriously- if the she thinks shooting a brat out is going to keep her boyfriend around, she has another thing coming. Dumb-freaking-ass! And they used the pull out method as a form of birth control? Hahahahaha! Bwahahahaah! *falls off desk chair squealing with laughter*

God bless America, the land of opportunity. Soon to be the land of absolute stupidity. I want to know how a fictional movie (e.g. Idiocracy) is likely to become a true story.

At the risk of repeating myself, I really do not know if I will be able to make it 50. I don't want to live on this planet anymore! I am ready to kick the bucket. Bite the dust. Whatever you want.

I wish I knew if the Rapture really was going to come. Because do you know what I would do? Pig out. Then I would go to a sex shop, buy some nasty lingerie and a leather whip, book a flight to Florence, march up to wherever the Durrrsey Shur cast is staying (whip in hand so no one messes with me), grab the Situation by his hair, drag him to a bedroom (just like a caveman with a cavewoman), lock the door, push him on the bed, inform him I have flown a bazillion miles to come to get deflowered by him before we all die. And then to spank him because he has been a naughty boy. And when he tells me he is not interested, I will tell him that I am not asking.

God, I really do have problems, don't I? Come on- someone please assure me that I am seriously not the only person on earth- that is of legal age and not completely hosed out of their mind- who thinks he is cute. Sure, I have seen plenty of people say that yes, they would, with a paperbag over his head, but I would hit it without the bag. I think he is cute (for the most part; I have seen some hideous pictures of him). Guess I just have terrible taste.

No. Let's get to how my time before the Rapture really will be spent. The pigging out part will definitely happen. As for the rest? Alone. Forever alone.

*turns up "Lonely Days" by the Bee Gees, sits in the corner, cries while singing loudly*

Video Of The Day

In honor of the Royal Wedding, one of my favorite Family Guy scenes ever:



You know what annoys me (besides everything)? When two people date, it's "when are you getting engaged?". When they get engaged, then it's "when is the wedding?". And when the wedding is over (and sometimes during the actual ceremony itself), then it's "when are you having kids?". When you have your first kid, then it's "are you planning on having another?". It never stops.

The crap about when are you having kids is what pisses me off the most. Where is it anyone's business? Pushing people to have kids is way too getting up in to people's personal business. It's like these people are basically saying "GET IN BED AND FUCK!".

Random Thoughts

HORRIFYING NEWS OF THE DAY! Out of curiosity, I decided to play around with an ovulation calculator to try to sync up particular symptoms I experience with my period and ovulation and apparently, I am at my most fertile right now. And since we all know I do not want any babies, I should not dare plan on or even contemplate having sex right now!

I almost fell on the floor and wept when I read that. The idea of me having a baby is just too horrifying. I don't understand why those closest to me still like to give me a hard time when I say I do not want children. They have seen me in action. Do they really think I would make a good mother? I know I won't. I want someone to tell me what exactly is wrong with knowing I would not make a good mother BEFORE I actually shoot out a baby instead of doing stupidly like so many idiots that get themselves knocked up AND THEN find out they make terrible mothers? I would so much rather regret NOT having a little snot than to have one and regret it.

Speaking of babies, we received an email in work the other day discussing plans for a baby shower for one of my coworkers. The people who are planning are basically demanding $25 from each of us. Now I am not hurting for money right now, but I do not want to put out that much money. I have much more important stuff in my own life to use that money towards than for someone I hardly know all that well. Frankly, I think they have a lot of BALLS to demand $25 from people in this economy. Then we are expected to bring food as well! Seriously- what the fuck?!

So the Sitch was near my neck of the woods on Friday night, at the Parx Casino. Would I liked to have gone? Sure. But unfortunately, the only way you'd get me in the same room as him is by force or by accident. Despite all of the oh you are so prettys I get and regardless of whether his vile treatment of women is for entertainment, I would stab myself repeatedly before I would ever voluntarily show my face to him. If Mike himself called me and told me he wanted to meet me, I still would not show my face to him. Those thoughts depressed me severely last night.

And as spacey as I have been lately, I could probably sit and have a 45 minute conversation with him and not even realize it was him. Unless he was flashing those abs of his. Which somehow I doubt I am worthy of being flashed the original Situation.

Why should I feel inferior around him anyway? I don't care if he is on one of the biggest reality shows on TV or how many things he is invited to or how much fucking money he is worth....he is still nothing. Is he really going to look back one day and be proud of what he is famous for? Which I have still yet to figure out what exactly that is. His abs? Big whoop. Walk on any beach and you can see tons of young hot toned male stomachs, many probably better looking than his. Is he smart? I don't know. Judging by his behavior on Durrrsey Shur, I'd give a big fat NO. He is dumber than a sack of bricks, by basis of the show. But is he really? I don't know. Part of me wants to say no, he is far from dumb. The other part wants to say no, he just got lucky.

And I may find him cute in some pictures, but every so often the voice of reason pops her head in and reminds me he is NOTHING to look at (in between her mission of trying to dethrone this bastard of his reign as supreme ruler in my world of celebrity crushes). He's greasy, an odd dresser, he's too top heavy, and frankly, he looks like he smells bad.

Speaking of the devil, over on the website TV Squad, every week I looked forward to reading the weekly recap of Durrrsey Shur because the article writer guy is just fantastic. I didn't expect one this week; however, he did write one and he wrote this gem of a sentence:

I thought the most interesting revelation, and accompanying assumption, was that Mike liked to dress his girls up just like him, and how narcissistic that was. The fact that he was sitting like he was visiting the gynecologist for a check up, and looked like a Muppet whose Muppeteer was drunk, made it all the more amusing.

I saw a couple minutes of it and Mike was, indeed, sitting like he was visiting the gynocologist. He always does. Every time I see him on TV, he is sitting with his legs spread apart like he is at the gyno. I already bitched about this before, of how I would like to climb into the TV with a megaphone and scream SHUT YOUR LEGS BOY or something of that nature.

And I am only about 5 months late in asking this, but why is his book called Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore? Isn't creeping like stalking? Actually I have no idea what it means because there is about a million definitions to it when I googled it and I certainly will not buy his book to find out what his definition of it is. Or rather, whoever actually wrote the book he is getting credit for. Wait, what am I talking about? We all know he spent hours slaving over a hot monkey brai- oops, Futurama is really starting to take over my brain- because we all know he spent hours and dedication writing this Pulitzer worthy novel. But hey, I will be honest- if someone gave me a copy, I might just read it. I am sure when I would actually sit down to read it, I will make it to about the first paragraph before I start screaming "KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!".

I don't know why I would even bother reading it. It's not like I need lessons on how to creep on chicks, avoid grenades, and get my GTL on at the Jersey shore.

And what is this I hear about Rutgers havingthat cow Snookie speak at the school? I just can't with the whole college drop out NOTHING speaking at a college, so I'll go after the next outrage -$32 FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS?! From the student activity fees?! WHAT THE HELL, RUTGERS? I am very pleased to hear students and parents are outraged. Now I would not say I am human, but I like to think I resemble a little something closer to human than this orange retard, and if I was paid all that money and people were outraged by it, I would make sure to return some, if not all, of that money. That fat bitch isn't hurting. Celebrities really need to remember that their fans are a big part of making them who they are and it can easily be snatched away.

I don't know what I am missing something here, but I cannot fathom the "celebrities" of today that have this mentality that any publicity is good publicity. Are all of these people really and truly going to look back one day and be proud of their antics? I am not going to lie; there are some days- okay, a lot anymore- where I get so frustrated with my job and my life and consider throwing away all of the goodness (what little of it I possess) and morals and goody two shoe behavior. But then the voice of reason pops in her head again (she's a very busy girl anymore) and reminds me- would I really be able to live with myself down the line? Would it really be worth it?

And how do these people- with their clothing lines and books and fragrances and whatever other shit- live with themselves taking money for things that they probably had absolutely no hand in creating other than slapping their names and faces on the products?

And you know what really bugs the shit out of me? These people that watch these shows because they are "like watching a car wreck" and then stand there and bitch about the stars' astronomical pays. NEWSFLASH- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM. You are part of it all!

And now that I have called the kettle black, I am going to go punch myself repeatedly.

I really need to get a handle on whatever is ailing me, because I am starting to get increasingly belligerent and it's bothering me. The way I have been speaking to people is awful. The only comfort I find in it is if I were to be admitted to the hospital, I have a little more of a backbone than the last time I was there and I will not keep my mouth shut like I did last time when the mental health technicians spoke down to me because if there is one thing in this world I despise, it is being talked to like I am 4 years old. And I keep flying off the handle over everything. I had a dress fitting on Friday and for two weeks I have been a nervous wreck about going back and trying on my dress and not much to my surprise, I could not breathe in the dress when I put it on. I have not gained weight and if anything, the scale was down a pound or two since my first fitting. So naturally I burst into tears and had a meltdown. And then trying to explain this shit to people who barely speak English and were not understanding me only frustrated me more. And forget even trying to get across to these women about having stomach problems and how you can wake up, have one cup of coffee, and your abdomen expands about 2 inches.

I need to get laid. I really do. But since I do not have a sex buddy, I need to just settle for the fact that I am in desperate need of an orgasm right now and I am just too damn tired to try to do so.

And for some bizarre reason, that whole sentence made me think of this scene from Family Guy:

Random Thoughts

I am in a hideous mood right now. I am in such a hideous mood, I actually have an unhealthy urge to go get completely and utterly hosed. I need to stay away from booze, though. I am scary enough sober. I shake in my boots at the scenarios that could erupt should I ever become drunk.

I haven't quit the 'lax yet so my stomach is still fucking with me. I was laying on the bed watching The Simpsons and I dozed off and when I woke up, my chest basically blew up like a volcano. It's bad. It really is. I really believe I am going to have cancer one day. What part of the digestive system I don't know. The even sadder realization of all of this is how little I care.

People annoy me so much. My mother sent invitations for my sister's bridal shower and I think we're lucky if 10 people have RSVP'd so far. Almost 50 invitations were sent out. Why do people think it is okay for them to just completely ignore invitations? We need to know here, people! We are paying for this damn bridal shower PER HEAD. Just pick up the goddamn fucking phone and call and say "I am coming" or "I am not coming". It's not that frigging difficult.

And then I sent an email to one of the bridesmaids with my home phone number and when I can be reached. Today I check my cellphone while I am on lunch and find I have two voice messages. One is from Mom and the other is from the bridesmaid. I assume she got my cellphone number from my sister, which I am going to have to have a talk with my sister. I don't want my cellphone number giving out. And also, she called during the time frame I said I was unavailable.

Earlier in work, my "friend" and I were emailing back and forth and complaining about the weather and I had made some comment about how at least the furry little rat had seen his shadow. Well, the email I got back shocked me. I had to read it like 3 times to make sure it was real. She actually snapped out over the groundhog and how she doesn't understand why people take it seriously and that it is still 6 more weeks regardless of whether he sees it or not and made some kind of smarmy comment of "sorry to disappoint you". I wanted to email her back and say bitch, are you for fucking real? It was a fucking joke! I do not believe what the groundhog has to say, but I do always look forward to hearing what he ends up seeing. And in typical S-Cubed fashion, I got pissed as shit. I seriously wanted to just go up to her office and blow up on her. Normal reaction? Certainly not. But do I ever react normally? Ha. Right. But I was simply making a joke. And I don't appreciate being given a bitchy attitude like that.

A couple weeks ago, she was mad in work because she had asked our boss if she would be able to leave work early once a week while school is in session and the boss was giving her a hard time about it and she bitched about it all day and then later on, had made some comment on Facebook about it and I left a comment about how much it sucked and the next day I see there was a response to my comment. This was the response "it is what it is". I swear, if I could have reached through my computer and sucker punched her in the face I would have. I don't know what made me angrier- the fact that she bitched about it all day and then suddenly the situation turns into "it is what it is" or the fact that she said "it is what it is". I fucking hate corny ass positive mumbo jumbo sayings like that and "everything happens for a reason" and shit. I'd like to put my foot up someone's ass whenever I hear someone spout assinine shit like that.

I am sick of my personality. I am not normally one to ever self-diagnose myself (usually I am the first one to curse people who do that), but with the way I have been behaving lately, I'd almost swear I am heading into borderline personality disorder territory. I don't know what my problem is. I suppose I should go back to therapy, but what is the point of therapy when you don't know what your problem is? I mean, I could see my personality if I had been raped or molested or experienced some other horrible trauma as a kid. But I didn't. I don't recall anything traumatizing happening to me as a kid, except for being brutally bullied in sixth grade by that kid. I don't see that being enough to cause this mountain of problems. It certainly is almost the whole reason behind my self-esteem issues. But not the rest. How do you solve something when you don't know what the problem is? It's like telling someone to solve a math word problem and not ever giving them the actual word problem. I guess. Is that even a logical comparison? I don't know.

I was never a fan of Smallville, but I was blown away the first time I heard the theme song ("Save Me" by Remy Zero) and every time I listen to it, especially now, I can't help but think about how much I want someone to come in and save me. And I don't mean the Jebus save me type of saving. I want someone- outside of my family- to make me feel beautiful and not want to smash my fist into the mirror every time I look in it and to actually make me feel like I deserve to be amongst people and to even just be worthy of being on this earth in general.

Wouldn't it be absolutely fantastic if almost all of my problems disappeared if I got just got laid?

Random Thoughts

This unrelenting feeling of loneliness is starting to just annoy me now. I really can't stand it. Face it- I have never been in a relationship. We all know that. I am fucking starved for one. It is starting to reach dangerous levels. To the point where I have to fear if a cute guy just as so much glances at me sexily, I am going to rip my clothes off right then and there and scream at him to fuck me or else. Or even worse, I will sleep with the first guy who asks me if I want to fuck. I am starting to get to the point where I am about to go hunt down some random stranger in places a socially inept retard (oh noes!) like me would never normally venture near just to get laid.

I feel sorry for the man who takes my virginity. A 27 year old sexually frustrated virgin with sadistic fantasies? I pray he has good health insurance.

One day I would like get all of my coworkers into the conference room and say to them "I have one simple question- how in the hell old are all of you?". Most of my coworkers are quite a bit older than me and they all act about 15. Petty backstabbing gossiping bitches. The two worst are 32 and 36 years of age. One has two kids, the other has one on the way. This is exactly why I hate office work. Most of the time the large majority of the workers are women and they are all backstabbing bitches. I have worked in enough offices to know that all too well. Really now. If I wanted to deal with this teenage shit on a daily basis, I would re-enroll in high school.

Just as I expected, the machine I use in work started making noise on Friday. Not really surprised. I have been using it nonstop for a few days and I have been waiting anxiously for it to start smoking and then burst into flames (I swear, if that had happened, I would have laughed until I choked to death). So I said something to my boss and apparently we might be getting a better one. Which means- oh noes- "the man" is going to have to put out even more money, instead of just not being so fucking cheap and spending a hell of a lot of money for a bigger machine in the first place. I mean, really. These people are so goddamn cheap they make me look like a spendaholic.

I was annoyed on Wednesday because it was the first day I was doing this job and my boss decided to have a meeting and then she told me I already knew pretty much everything she would talk about so I need not come. Then a little while later, she changed her mind. I spent 40 minutes in a meeting that, as expected, I already was well aware of all of the information given. At one point, I just said I had too much to do and can I get back to work. I cursed up a storm as soon as I got out of the meeting room. Really? Why did I have to go? It was a waste of my time! And I was also getting annoyed because at one point, one of my coworkers started making jokes about "the man" and while I would never defend him and probably agree with most of them, when the jokes start turning homophobic, then I get annoyed. And they did. I don't know why my coworker gets a gay vibe from him. I just get a giant asexual asshole vibe.

Jesus Christmas! How could I forget about this?!:

Aretha Franklin: 'The Problem Has Been Resolved' | PopEater.com

She's okay! The Queen of Soul (and boobies) is okay!

*bursts into tears, falls on knees, and throws hands in air* Hallelujah!

Random Thoughts

Man, I don't know what the hell crawled up my ass and died this week, but I have been one miserable cow. Every single day I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was cranky as hell. Well, I have a smidgen of an idea of what is making me cranky, but as of right now it is just heresay, but if it is true, I am going to scream. I can't freaking go through this again. I doubt it is PMS, although you never know, since it likes to come whenever it pleases.

My- shocker- stomach isn't helping much. My regimen right now is acidophilus (2 billion CFUs), sawdust- er, Konsyl, and 3 Colace pills a day. And I am still not having any luck. What in the hell is going on in there? I really do not get it. It is like my digestive system does not even function. The only thing I really have any type of success with is Miralax and I am hesitant on starting that as a long term regimen. My next resort is maybe trying a chiropractor.

I just finished watching Jay Leno and the Sitch was on and....seriously, he needs to just not talk. And the whole time he was sitting, he sat with his legs spread wide open. Yes, dirty thoughts were flying through my head, but you do not sit on national television like that. I felt like busting out my megaphone* and climbing in my TV and hollering at him to speak properly and to close his legs. I want to both fuck his brains out and pop a cap in his ass. God, he is so freaking annoying!

*I do not actually own one, but I always dream of owning one. There is something about yelling into a megaphone that excites the hell out of me. In fact, I always want to join a rowing team just so I can sit in the front and scream at everyone to ROW! ROW! ROW!

And doesn't he wook just woh so aworable all dressed up in a suit and tie?! I just wanna pinch his cheeks and bring him home to Mommy! *giving side eye to the screen* But what is up with the pose? He is poised all perfect and gentleman like (lol- he's got girl hands). And we all know he is the furthest thing from a gentleman there is. *narrows eyes* WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?!

We received the new issue of Men's Fitness in work last Friday and naturally I was excited and when I showed it to one of my co-workers, she says "aw, you too?! He even corrupts the good girls!". I really have no explanation for why I find him hot. I blame it on being sexually frustrated. I brutally vilified him until I became sexually frustrated. One hundred percent of the time I saw him in a magazine, I made a face until one day I happened to see a picture of him and all I could think was good god, I'd hit it. And really, he has a decent body, but his abs are not that great. They're just....weird looking. I mean, I see pictures where he looks like a normally ripped guy and then I see others (more often than not) where I am like, what the fuck is he doing when he is training? I saw one picture one time where he was lifting his shirt up and he was kinda standing on an angle and the first thing I thought was, holy jesus, his stomach looks like mine when I am having intestinal issues! His lower abdomen was kinda sticking out all funny.

I see better abs on the beach.

I went on the Body Building forum one day to find what any body builders might have to say about his physique. There were only about a gazillion pages and since even my life is not that ridiculously pathetic to sit and go through all of them, I ended up only finding one actual post on him. And out of all of the postings in regards to the original posting (complete with picture), the one that interested me the most was "Is he wearing makeup?". So I went back up to the original posting with the picture and you know what? I seriously think he is. Add in the giant studs in each ear and....oy vey. He looks a like a drag queen before the full ensemble is put together.

Jesus Christmas. Could you imagine? He already has the chick pants wearing thing down.... actually, you know what? I would be very interested in seeing that. It would probably be one of those things that would be so fucking hideous, it would be tear inducingly beautiful.

Ugh, every single time I think of him in those pants, I lol, then cringe.

It is freaking ridiculous how much I want and need to get laid right now. I really believe I would be less high strung if someone would just fuck me! I did my usual thing the other day to have an orgasm and every time I would come close, I'd pull back to keep building the tension and man, once it hit....OH MY YES! And then something unusual happened afterwards that has never happened before....I cried! Because I realized how much I wanted to share that excitement with someone else.

Man, I can't believe Thanksgiving is next week already. You wouldn't know it, though, with the overload of Christmas already. Ah. Christmas. The time when all of us heathen Godless baby-killing homo-loving libruls* join together to take down Christmas by saying happy holidays.

*anyone who does not want to have a three way with Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Sarah

I lol'd at this picture and then I realized that the printer is the same exact ones we have in work. And ours are constantly breaking down. This one made me laugh as well. I can't believe how many comments busted on it. I think it is hilarious. I like the strategically placed hammer.

Speaking of funny shit, what in the hell ever happened to Tony Sinclair? The guy with the huge gap in his teeth in the Tanqueray gin commercials? He was hilarious!

Random Thoughts

Good God, I cannot stand this fucking sexual frustration anymore. I casually mentioned it to my sister the other day. I never seen her laugh so hard. I am glad everyone finds this so funny!

I was in Target the other day and I was looking in the new issue of GQ (come on- like you really have to ask what I was looking at) and "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC-DC came blasting on one of the display radios. I briefly contemplated knocking over the entire wall of radios.

I despise the show, but I did watch the last 5 minutes of Dancing With The Has Beens And The Why Am I Famous Agains last week and I have one question- who was that man that was eliminated? That man is nothing like the Neanderthal knuckle dragger I saw the few times I watched Durrrsey Shur. I think it was an alien. Shoot it in the back! Quick! While it's not looking!

NOOO! Wait! Why would we want to shoot the alien?! Shoot the real thing!

I watched a clip of him dancing on some Popeater article. He's a hideous dancer. He makes Carlton Banks look like Fred Astaire. He makes my dancing look good and I'm just about the worst dancer on Earth. Oh okay, I really didn't think he was that terrible. Call me a sucker, but I thought he was cute when he danced. He probably did better than I ever would. I can't even walk a crooked line. But that doesn't stop me from laughing hard at this picture. And this one. Awkward much?

Unpositive? For the love of....REALLY, Mike?

I lol'd at this picture, too. He looks rather....uh....glittery? And that shirt reminds me of one my sister just gave me. I'm sorry, I have to ask this....do straight guys wear shirts like this? Yes, I know someone else probably chose it, but why do I not see any other guys dressing like that?

Speaking of men, I saw a picture of Mark Masri for the first time and *opera sings*. Although I do not know his height, I finally have come to understand the appeal of tall, dark, and handsome. Fucking talented as hell too. That voice! And the best part? He's Cana-nadian. Oh my yes.

I also watched the "It's A Jersey Thing" episode of Southpark last week. Guffawed, I did. I almost passed out from laughing when Snookie started raping Cartman and he starts screaming "it's raping me! IT'S RAPING ME!". I also howled at Kyle turning into Kyley B.

The other day in work, it was just the start of my shift and this woman was in who made a big stink from the second she walked in the door. At one point, I heard her screaming at the top of her lungs about something being a sueable offence and she just kept going on and I was about to kick down the door and scream "Ma'am, it is 8AM on a Monday morning. I am tired, I am sexually frustrated, and I have not had an ounce of caffeine in my system yet. SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

I just finally finished my latest issue of Weird NJ and the last article was about something called a Zombie Walk, which is basically just what it sounds like (people dress up as zombies and moan and groan their way around cities and towns). I read the entire article and by the end, I was so ecstatic, I almost died of a heart attack. I want to join in one. We all know how much I fucking love zombies, so this would just be the ultimate thrill.