It should not be much of a surprise that I am my absolute own worst critic. From the time I wake up until I go to bed, I criticize myself over something, usually many things. I could list about 500 things to criticize myself over right now. I often believe others are silently criticizing me.
Yet, when someone actually does criticize me to my face, it is usually for something completely unexpected and it completely blindsides me and I think that is why I never actually defend myself. Happened to me in work the other day. I was criticized for something I did not expect to be criticized for and it left me speechless. And then I got pissed, partly for getting criticized and partly for not defending myself. AS USUAL. I can't know to do something if one does not inform me to do it. I am not a fucking mindreader. But apparently in there, you are supposed to be.
I seriously wonder how long it is going to be before 1 of 5 things happen:
1) I wind up in the nuthouse again
2) I have a heart attack
3) I have a stroke
4) a mixture of any of the above
5) all of the above
Fascinatingly enough, the last four do not scare me nearly as much as the first, although at the rate I am going, I may as well call up the nuthouse and tell them to reserve me a lifetime room. All I have to say is thank god for the deinstitutionalization movement.
Look, all workplaces are generally full of assholes and backstabbers. But this place, for such a small one, can invoke level 5 paranoia (level 10 for someone who is already kinda paranoid like me). You can't do anything in that place without having some kind of major paranoia. I can't even listen to my fucking radio without having to worry it might be annoying someone. I can't ask a question without having to worry about someone bitching about me as soon as I leave the room. I can't ask a simple question without having to worry about author-ity questioning my ability do anything. Um, isn't it better to ask a question when you aren't sure of something instead of doing something wrong? I can't even ask a couple different times or different people on how to do something if I happen to forget because each and every time I get a different answer.
I am really starting to get tired of everyone raining on my fucking parade. Every single time I am excited about something, someone in my family has to make a negative comment about it. I mentioned it before, with vacations, birthdays, and the holidays. But now it is branching out into pretty much everything. I have said a few times in the past week about being excited about the upcoming Apple Festival we go to every year at Peddler's Village and each and every time I have said something, my mom has to say "I could care less about going". I mentioned earlier about how I miss Myrtle Beach and my mom says "I don't care if I ever go there again". Look, I am not asking for anyone to share in my fucking joy, but it would just be nice for once to say I am looking forward to something and not have my family give me their negative opinions.
And yet somehow I am always the negative one! I am the one always ruining people's good moods and good times, which yes, it is true that if I am not having a good time, I have a tendency to get miserable and snippy and start taking it out on everyone else, thus ruining everyone's time. But I don't go around telling people who are excited about their upcoming birthday that oh it is just another day or totally bringing down someone's excitement.
Yes I can be very negative, but hey. Guess I learned from the best now, didn't I?
And frankly, I cannot wait until my sister's wedding is over. I am already sick of hearing about it and I am so sick of hearing my mother talk about how she is going to have a nervous breakdown.
And now I am going to be a parade rainer myself. I was on a former friend's Facebook page and she posted a picture of herself dressed as Marilyn Monroe, her and I quote "hero". What is the fascination with Marilyn Monroe? I must be the only woman on earth who does not see the fascination with her. Yes, she was gorgeous. Yes, she APPEARED to have a glamerous life. But that is the key word. Appeared. Her life was far from glamerous. It was sad and fucking depressing. What was so great about her life that I should worship this woman? What am I missing here?
Um, so anyway, I read an article over on The Superficial regarding the Situation's "book". I groaned like Homer after I read one spiel of it. And then I read this article. I have read numerous things where people, including the lead singer from Florence and the Machine, have said he was actually really nice when he was on Dancing With The Has Beens And The Why Am I Famous Agains and then you read shit like this and it's like we're talking about a totally different person.
What is with this dude? Is he insane? Multiple personalities? Schizo? Drugs? Too many 'roids, even though he insists he does not take them (bitch, please)? Did Mommy engage in some substances of the mind altering persuasion when she was pregnant with him? Or- god save us!- there's two of him? I don't understand how almost every interview I have read with him, something half intelligent comes out of his mouth and a split second later, he says something that makes me want to knee him in the nuts. One thing is for sure- this boy ain't firing on all cylinders.
I saw his little hissy fit on Dancing. He's such a freaking drama queen.
In the article with the "21 year old" girl (who I have to say gave a great verbal slap with that old man line; I lol'd)....is that a stuffed animal in the bed? He has a stuffed animal? Bwhahahaha!
I'd let him pull my hair. There isn't much I wouldn't let him do to me*, except sorry Sitch. You may think you are "the leader" and shit, but you ain't going to be the one calling the shots. Oh no. I've waited long enough to get nailed. This is my fucking game, bitch!
*as long as it is in the realms of what I consider "normal sex", which includes normal missionary, some S&M, doggy style, and although they are both extremely toeing the line of abnormalcy, anal and oral. Whatever happened to just normal sex? Nowadays you have people pissing and shitting on each other and actually *gags* licking each other's butts. Ick!
Anyway, would I read the book? No. Although I did like the part about chicken parm, the only way I would read this book is if I smoked some damn good weed. And was compensated largely. And maybe took some ecstasy, although judging by what I have read on ecstasy and how it makes people feel (and what it did to Peter), I don't think ecstasy would be particularly good for me right now. No one needs to see me slide onto the floor and take my clothes off.
I'd also consider listening to it on tape if someone with a really awesome voice read it. A few off the top of my head- Patrick Stewart, Clive Owen, James Earl Jones. Or someone like Gilbert Gottfried. Or hell, half of the cast of The Simpsons doing one of their characters (a few of my favorite voices are Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Fat Tony....oh Jesus, I could be here forever.)
I saw a Jersey Shore calender last weekend when I was out with my sister. I would take one with all of the men. Six months of the Sitch, 2 months each for the rest of them. Oh my yes.
In reality, I think the only reason I am finding any of these beefcakes attractive is due to being so sexually frustrated. I am almost 100% sure if by some strange chance I ever got to sleep with El Sitcho, I would wake up in the morning, take one look at him, and scream like Fry did when he found out he was his own grandfather. Then I'd probably sucker punch him in the face, knee him in the nuts, run home, and have a breakdown similar to everyone in the Game Fly commercials. What I would do after that, I really don't know, but it would probably involve assuming the fetal position and sobbing for at least 36 hours because I allowed this thing to deflower me.
Yeah. Imagine years from now, telling a future generation "oh Aunt Slightly Short Of Sane ended up losing her virginity to a guy who was 28 years old but looked about 43 and had a huge ego, a tiny penis, and liked to call his freaky ass looking abs, and later himself as well, "the Situation" and frequently liked to use the word situation even in, er, situations that didn't call for it. Where is he now? Beats me. Hopefu-er, probably lying dead from a steroid overdose in a gutter somewhere."
I wonder if he is looking for an official stalker. I am still holding out for someone to offer me the position of official stalker. *whistles "Private Eyes" while counting bugs*
UPDATE 11.2: The Situation's Brother Is A Lady's Man
*falls onto floor in fetal position and starts sobbing* WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?! OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Wow. Batshit must be a family trait, as well as looking like you're 160 years old at a young age.
Look, I try not to go after people's looks as much as possible, because I am certainly no beauty queen, but....great Godzilla's Gonads, his brother is fucking hideous. I mean, he is not too bad when he smiles, but that first picture! That is fug of epic proportions. I can honestly say I now understand the true meaning of "recoil in horror" after looking at that picture. I have also found the answer to my previous question of who would I not sleep with right now- this dude!
I get the impression from these pictures alone that he is probably someone who goes around using the "grenade" term on women just like his baby bro does. Hey, Marc, look in the mirror sometime before you call others ugly. Seriously. He probably never does though, because I am sure they all break before he gets a chance to get a good look at himself.
Damn, now I am dying to see a recent picture of the third brother, the one who seems to maybe have inherited all of the brains in the family since he stays out of the limelight. I wonder what the hell his name is. Probably something with an M. I saw the infamous turtleneck picture and I also saw a fairly recent picture in People of the Sitch and his mom and there are two guys in the back who I would guess are his brothers. One has sunglasses on and the other reminds me a little of Vince Vaughn. The latter? I'd hit it, so I am guessing the one with the sunglasses is this beast named Marc. I have yet to see a picture of Old Man Sitch, and since Mom isn't fug like this, I am just going to go ahead and assume this extreme fugliness must come from Dad.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Quote Of The Day
One of my favorite parts from Girl, Interrupted:
Janet: I want my fucking clothes!
Valerie: Then you'll have to eat something, won't you?
Janet: [singing] Oh Lordy, pick a bale o' cotton, oh Lordy, pick a bale o' hay, gotta jump down spin around pick a bale o' cotton, jump down spin around, pick a bale o' hay....
Valerie: [to Susanna] She thinks that bothers me.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Quote Of The Day
From "Godfellas":
Malachi: We will solve our own problems as you commanded. The time has come to convert the unbelievers.
Bender: Convert them?
Malachi: To radioactive vapor!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Random Thoughts
Boy, did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed today. Or it's PMS. Maybe a little of both. All I know is I have been cranky all day. I went on a vocal rampage when I called my mother during my lunch break. I am just frustrated and annoyed and while I am at the point of being semi-content with my job, all I keep wondering is how much longer is the content-ness going to last.
The whole time I was getting ready for work, I just fumed over life in general. All I kept thinking was, I am going about this whole life thing the wrong way. I need to just throw away my dignity and morals and just become a disgusting human being because apparently that is the only way to get anywhere in this day and age. I need to just stop worring about everyone else's feelings and just fucking screw everyone over because no one ever seems to care about hurting mine or screwing me over. Why should I care about other people? Nice guys really do finish last, don't they? And why bother working hard? I need to just start speaking my mind and acting on my feelings. I'll probably end up dead, but I don't really particularly care at this particular moment.
Is it possible to never really experience true love but are afraid to fall for someone? I think I may have mentioned the story before, but a couple years ago, I was pretty head over heels for someone, only to find out he was engaged. I was absolutely crushed. I think that was the first time I actually was able to fully understand what the term "broken heart" meant. I had never, ever felt anything like what I felt after finding out that news. It took many months to finally get over it, although at the time I truly believed I would never get over it. I feel kinda ridiculous now for getting so upset over it, but ever since then, I am absolutely terrified of ever developing feelings for someone because I do not want to ever go through something like that again.
My sister seems to believe having a significant other might help me change my outlook on life. While I agree on one hand (I am fully convinced at this point that if I just get fucked already, I won't be so damn high strung), I also have to wonder who will seriously be able to put up with me. I can't even stand me, let alone another person. Love me just the way I am? Keep dreaming.
Changing subjects, I recently started choking down, er, taking Konsyl. It's pretty bad. I have a sneaky suspicion I am really drinking sawdust, but hey, it is working better than Metamucil was, so where am I to complain? Plus, it will [hopefully] get my gastrointestinal doctor off of my back about taking fiber supplements. I say hopefully because he actually suggested Benefiber, but Konsyl has less calories and more natural ingredients. It's still fiber, is it not?!
At least, I think it is fiber. It is, isn't it? Hello? Anyone?
I have recently been delegated the task of medical records requests in work. It's not rocket science, but I am seriously going to go apeshit on law firms. I would think that after 7+ years in school, these lawyers would know they can not get these records without a subpoena. But apparently they do not, because I am constantly getting requests without one. So then I get to type up a nice little letter demanding a subpoena. Ugh. And then one day I almost died of a heart attack when I opened a request and found - GASP- a subpoena included. I was ecstatic. I still would have had to send a letter demanding payment first, but it still had the frigging subpoena! So what happened? The person has never been to our office. SO....instead of sending a letter demanding MONEY, I had to send a letter informing the law firm we had never seen said person.
I was down at the Berlin Mart about a month ago and I was in the store where I am convinced every worker is from Ancora and I wish I had had a camera at the time to take a picture to submit to Failblog. It was a clamshell package opener (I am talking the evil ones you have to use a razor blade to open) and it was in....a clamshell package.
The whole time I was getting ready for work, I just fumed over life in general. All I kept thinking was, I am going about this whole life thing the wrong way. I need to just throw away my dignity and morals and just become a disgusting human being because apparently that is the only way to get anywhere in this day and age. I need to just stop worring about everyone else's feelings and just fucking screw everyone over because no one ever seems to care about hurting mine or screwing me over. Why should I care about other people? Nice guys really do finish last, don't they? And why bother working hard? I need to just start speaking my mind and acting on my feelings. I'll probably end up dead, but I don't really particularly care at this particular moment.
Is it possible to never really experience true love but are afraid to fall for someone? I think I may have mentioned the story before, but a couple years ago, I was pretty head over heels for someone, only to find out he was engaged. I was absolutely crushed. I think that was the first time I actually was able to fully understand what the term "broken heart" meant. I had never, ever felt anything like what I felt after finding out that news. It took many months to finally get over it, although at the time I truly believed I would never get over it. I feel kinda ridiculous now for getting so upset over it, but ever since then, I am absolutely terrified of ever developing feelings for someone because I do not want to ever go through something like that again.
My sister seems to believe having a significant other might help me change my outlook on life. While I agree on one hand (I am fully convinced at this point that if I just get fucked already, I won't be so damn high strung), I also have to wonder who will seriously be able to put up with me. I can't even stand me, let alone another person. Love me just the way I am? Keep dreaming.
Changing subjects, I recently started choking down, er, taking Konsyl. It's pretty bad. I have a sneaky suspicion I am really drinking sawdust, but hey, it is working better than Metamucil was, so where am I to complain? Plus, it will [hopefully] get my gastrointestinal doctor off of my back about taking fiber supplements. I say hopefully because he actually suggested Benefiber, but Konsyl has less calories and more natural ingredients. It's still fiber, is it not?!
At least, I think it is fiber. It is, isn't it? Hello? Anyone?
I have recently been delegated the task of medical records requests in work. It's not rocket science, but I am seriously going to go apeshit on law firms. I would think that after 7+ years in school, these lawyers would know they can not get these records without a subpoena. But apparently they do not, because I am constantly getting requests without one. So then I get to type up a nice little letter demanding a subpoena. Ugh. And then one day I almost died of a heart attack when I opened a request and found - GASP- a subpoena included. I was ecstatic. I still would have had to send a letter demanding payment first, but it still had the frigging subpoena! So what happened? The person has never been to our office. SO....instead of sending a letter demanding MONEY, I had to send a letter informing the law firm we had never seen said person.
I was down at the Berlin Mart about a month ago and I was in the store where I am convinced every worker is from Ancora and I wish I had had a camera at the time to take a picture to submit to Failblog. It was a clamshell package opener (I am talking the evil ones you have to use a razor blade to open) and it was in....a clamshell package.
Quote Of The Day
Best help wanted ad ever (found in the Philadelphia Daily News a few months ago):
GENERAL HELP WANTED
West Chester
Looking for 10 people to work to replace 10 people who didn't. Must have reliable trans. & pass drug screen. Will train, new hire bonus available. Call Ben
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
An Angry Letter To Basically Any Media Outlet
Dear Media Outlets:
I would willingly pay any amount of money to never, EVER hear "Soul Sister" by Train again. I am so freaking sick of hearing that song. Every single time I hear it, I simultaneously start hearing the wheent wheent wheent from Psycho. It makes me stabby. Enough is enough!
And please....I beg you....enough with the political commercials!
Sincerely,
s-cubed
I would willingly pay any amount of money to never, EVER hear "Soul Sister" by Train again. I am so freaking sick of hearing that song. Every single time I hear it, I simultaneously start hearing the wheent wheent wheent from Psycho. It makes me stabby. Enough is enough!
And please....I beg you....enough with the political commercials!
Sincerely,
s-cubed
Random Thoughts
Ugh, why can weekends never go as slow as the work week?
At the risk of sounding like a commercial, do you know what gets me through the work week? Looking forward to hearing WOGL's Breakfast Club in the morning. I freaking love listening to them. They are so funny. Their daily shindings are hilarious. I love the Ask The Mayor segment, although I am not fully convinced that it really is Mayor Nutter. And the Buck a Bark contest every Thursday. And Squiggy. I love Squiggy.
I went to Dairy Queen on Saturday to finally get my pumpkin pie Blizzard and I had one of their sucky ass coupons for buy one 16 oz, get another free. To make a long story short, I basically spent 10 minutes explaining to every employee there how the damn coupon works. It would not sink in for anything. I was ready to scream by the time they finally got it. And then, on top of it all, one of the employees actually asked me for friggin' ID when I showed her the coupon! Yes, the coupon had my name on it and everything, but....seriously? This is not top secret government work. It is a coupon for a freaking Dairy Queen Blizzard.
I hate the Cherry Hill mall. If it were not for JC Penney's and the Dairy Queen, I'd never step foot near that ghetto ass place. Parking is a chronic nightmare and I don't even know how 99% of the people that go there even afford to shop there. Cherry Hill Mall has one of those Wildwood syndromes- they changed the scenary, but not the situation.
Our dog recently had some teeth pulled and to prevent infection, we had to give her antibiotics for a week. It was like a freaking project just to get her to take the pills. Why are dogs so difficult when it comes to taking pills? They eat everything under the fucking sun, some even eat their own shit, but they refuse to just eat pills. I never get that.
I am switching back and forth between here and Poorly Dressed and I like how 85% of the submissions are fat gothic kids. I hate gothic kids. They got on my nerves in high school, with their black everything and their poems about the world being their prison. I think it was the making light of depression that pissed me off the most. They should all be put out to pasture.
At the risk of sounding like a commercial, do you know what gets me through the work week? Looking forward to hearing WOGL's Breakfast Club in the morning. I freaking love listening to them. They are so funny. Their daily shindings are hilarious. I love the Ask The Mayor segment, although I am not fully convinced that it really is Mayor Nutter. And the Buck a Bark contest every Thursday. And Squiggy. I love Squiggy.
I went to Dairy Queen on Saturday to finally get my pumpkin pie Blizzard and I had one of their sucky ass coupons for buy one 16 oz, get another free. To make a long story short, I basically spent 10 minutes explaining to every employee there how the damn coupon works. It would not sink in for anything. I was ready to scream by the time they finally got it. And then, on top of it all, one of the employees actually asked me for friggin' ID when I showed her the coupon! Yes, the coupon had my name on it and everything, but....seriously? This is not top secret government work. It is a coupon for a freaking Dairy Queen Blizzard.
I hate the Cherry Hill mall. If it were not for JC Penney's and the Dairy Queen, I'd never step foot near that ghetto ass place. Parking is a chronic nightmare and I don't even know how 99% of the people that go there even afford to shop there. Cherry Hill Mall has one of those Wildwood syndromes- they changed the scenary, but not the situation.
Our dog recently had some teeth pulled and to prevent infection, we had to give her antibiotics for a week. It was like a freaking project just to get her to take the pills. Why are dogs so difficult when it comes to taking pills? They eat everything under the fucking sun, some even eat their own shit, but they refuse to just eat pills. I never get that.
I am switching back and forth between here and Poorly Dressed and I like how 85% of the submissions are fat gothic kids. I hate gothic kids. They got on my nerves in high school, with their black everything and their poems about the world being their prison. I think it was the making light of depression that pissed me off the most. They should all be put out to pasture.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Quote Of The Day
From Family Guy:
- Peter: [making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous.
- [Cutaway to Hell. The Devil gets a message instantly]
- Devil: Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.
- Assistant: Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a mallomar.
- Devil: Aw, heck, where's a lawyer when I need one?
- [behind him, several hundred men holding pitchforks raise their hands]
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Quote Of The Day
From Futurama episode "Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles":
Farnsworth: I expect you'll want to see my angry, crotchety grandpa discount card.I want one of those angry crotchety grandpa discount cards.
Wanda: Sir, this card is expired.
Farnsworth: But it's good for a lifetime!
Wanda: Well, yours expired.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Quote Of The Day
My favorite part from "Believe" by Elton John:
Churches and dictators
Politics and papers
Everything crumbles
Sooner or later
Random Thoughts
Good God, I cannot stand this fucking sexual frustration anymore. I casually mentioned it to my sister the other day. I never seen her laugh so hard. I am glad everyone finds this so funny!
I was in Target the other day and I was looking in the new issue of GQ (come on- like you really have to ask what I was looking at) and "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC-DC came blasting on one of the display radios. I briefly contemplated knocking over the entire wall of radios.
I despise the show, but I did watch the last 5 minutes of Dancing With The Has Beens And The Why Am I Famous Agains last week and I have one question- who was that man that was eliminated? That man is nothing like the Neanderthal knuckle dragger I saw the few times I watched Durrrsey Shur. I think it was an alien. Shoot it in the back! Quick! While it's not looking!
NOOO! Wait! Why would we want to shoot the alien?! Shoot the real thing!
I watched a clip of him dancing on some Popeater article. He's a hideous dancer. He makes Carlton Banks look like Fred Astaire. He makes my dancing look good and I'm just about the worst dancer on Earth. Oh okay, I really didn't think he was that terrible. Call me a sucker, but I thought he was cute when he danced. He probably did better than I ever would. I can't even walk a crooked line. But that doesn't stop me from laughing hard at this picture. And this one. Awkward much?
Unpositive? For the love of....REALLY, Mike?
I lol'd at this picture, too. He looks rather....uh....glittery? And that shirt reminds me of one my sister just gave me. I'm sorry, I have to ask this....do straight guys wear shirts like this? Yes, I know someone else probably chose it, but why do I not see any other guys dressing like that?
Speaking of men, I saw a picture of Mark Masri for the first time and *opera sings*. Although I do not know his height, I finally have come to understand the appeal of tall, dark, and handsome. Fucking talented as hell too. That voice! And the best part? He's Cana-nadian. Oh my yes.
I also watched the "It's A Jersey Thing" episode of Southpark last week. Guffawed, I did. I almost passed out from laughing when Snookie started raping Cartman and he starts screaming "it's raping me! IT'S RAPING ME!". I also howled at Kyle turning into Kyley B.
The other day in work, it was just the start of my shift and this woman was in who made a big stink from the second she walked in the door. At one point, I heard her screaming at the top of her lungs about something being a sueable offence and she just kept going on and I was about to kick down the door and scream "Ma'am, it is 8AM on a Monday morning. I am tired, I am sexually frustrated, and I have not had an ounce of caffeine in my system yet. SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
I just finally finished my latest issue of Weird NJ and the last article was about something called a Zombie Walk, which is basically just what it sounds like (people dress up as zombies and moan and groan their way around cities and towns). I read the entire article and by the end, I was so ecstatic, I almost died of a heart attack. I want to join in one. We all know how much I fucking love zombies, so this would just be the ultimate thrill.
I was in Target the other day and I was looking in the new issue of GQ (come on- like you really have to ask what I was looking at) and "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC-DC came blasting on one of the display radios. I briefly contemplated knocking over the entire wall of radios.
I despise the show, but I did watch the last 5 minutes of Dancing With The Has Beens And The Why Am I Famous Agains last week and I have one question- who was that man that was eliminated? That man is nothing like the Neanderthal knuckle dragger I saw the few times I watched Durrrsey Shur. I think it was an alien. Shoot it in the back! Quick! While it's not looking!
NOOO! Wait! Why would we want to shoot the alien?! Shoot the real thing!
I watched a clip of him dancing on some Popeater article. He's a hideous dancer. He makes Carlton Banks look like Fred Astaire. He makes my dancing look good and I'm just about the worst dancer on Earth. Oh okay, I really didn't think he was that terrible. Call me a sucker, but I thought he was cute when he danced. He probably did better than I ever would. I can't even walk a crooked line. But that doesn't stop me from laughing hard at this picture. And this one. Awkward much?
Unpositive? For the love of....REALLY, Mike?
I lol'd at this picture, too. He looks rather....uh....glittery? And that shirt reminds me of one my sister just gave me. I'm sorry, I have to ask this....do straight guys wear shirts like this? Yes, I know someone else probably chose it, but why do I not see any other guys dressing like that?
Speaking of men, I saw a picture of Mark Masri for the first time and *opera sings*. Although I do not know his height, I finally have come to understand the appeal of tall, dark, and handsome. Fucking talented as hell too. That voice! And the best part? He's Cana-nadian. Oh my yes.
I also watched the "It's A Jersey Thing" episode of Southpark last week. Guffawed, I did. I almost passed out from laughing when Snookie started raping Cartman and he starts screaming "it's raping me! IT'S RAPING ME!". I also howled at Kyle turning into Kyley B.
The other day in work, it was just the start of my shift and this woman was in who made a big stink from the second she walked in the door. At one point, I heard her screaming at the top of her lungs about something being a sueable offence and she just kept going on and I was about to kick down the door and scream "Ma'am, it is 8AM on a Monday morning. I am tired, I am sexually frustrated, and I have not had an ounce of caffeine in my system yet. SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
I just finally finished my latest issue of Weird NJ and the last article was about something called a Zombie Walk, which is basically just what it sounds like (people dress up as zombies and moan and groan their way around cities and towns). I read the entire article and by the end, I was so ecstatic, I almost died of a heart attack. I want to join in one. We all know how much I fucking love zombies, so this would just be the ultimate thrill.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Quote Of The Day
From "The Day The Earth Stood Stupid":
[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room. Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy and Farnsworth are lined up on the couch and Bender stands nearby. In front of them, Fry has set up a classroom. He has written "Fry's Dumb School" on a blackboard and there is a cardboard box in front of it.]And then this part as well:
Fry: Time to re-educate you dunce-bags. We'll start with US presidents. [He takes a head in a jar out of the box.] This was our first president, George Washington.
[The staff stare blankly. Amy twitches and Farnsworth scratches his head.]
Fry: Let's review. Who was our first president?
Amy: Um.
Bender: A pickle jar?
Washington: Thomas Jefferson?
Butler: Presenting the most eligible landowner in all Hertfordshire, Mr. Brainly.
[Enter the smartly-dressed Brain.]
Big Brain: I'm a gigantic brain!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Quote Of The Day
From The Simpsons episode "Little Big Girl":
Homer: (calling Bart) Bart! This is a matter of life and death! What is the difference between 'ketchup' and 'catsup'? (Bart throws the cell phone away.) They're gonna cut my head off!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Webpage Of The Day
Hurr Durr Derp - All the Derp Durr Hurr that's fit to Derp
I have mentioned this page before, but think it finally should get the recognition it so rightfully deserves. Every single time I visit this site, I leave with my sides hurting. Seriously- if I am feeling down and depressed, a visit to this site is like a million antidepressants.
At my first job, I had a customer who came in one day with eyes exactly like this. Freaked me the fuck out. I couldn't look him in the face because they freaked me out so much. And to make matters worse, he kept coming up and hollering at me for sending him down the wrong aisle.
I have mentioned this page before, but think it finally should get the recognition it so rightfully deserves. Every single time I visit this site, I leave with my sides hurting. Seriously- if I am feeling down and depressed, a visit to this site is like a million antidepressants.
At my first job, I had a customer who came in one day with eyes exactly like this. Freaked me the fuck out. I couldn't look him in the face because they freaked me out so much. And to make matters worse, he kept coming up and hollering at me for sending him down the wrong aisle.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Video Of The Day
From a man with a voice I just absolutely love...."Crossfire" by Brandon Flowers:
Brandon Flowers is fucking hot. I'd hit it, but then again, who wouldn't I hit right now? I'd probably fuck Levi Johnston if he came to my door and told me he wanted to do me. Don't get me wrong, he is hot as hell, but he did knock up that Palin....thing.
Brandon Flowers is fucking hot. I'd hit it, but then again, who wouldn't I hit right now? I'd probably fuck Levi Johnston if he came to my door and told me he wanted to do me. Don't get me wrong, he is hot as hell, but he did knock up that Palin....thing.
Random Thoughts
It's the glorious time once again- the weekend!
Right now, I am sitting here with knots in my stomach. I have felt so frigging good for the past couple of weeks and now I am starting to feel depressed and I am fearful I am coming down off of this high and I am trying to do everything imaginable to hold onto it. I don't know how I will survive lapsing into a bad depressive state again. I have never felt anything quite like how I have felt the past couple weeks and I am terrified that I might try to harm myself just to deal with the massive change in mood. Maybe I am truly a manic depressive. Dear god, I hope I am not.
I am so tired of having mental problems. And everyone is always like, why suffer when you have an easily treatable condition? Actually, no I don't. For one, I do not have ONE easily treatable condition. Second, wake up! The mental health system sucks! Everything is about drugs and lining the doctor's pockets. How can I place any trust in these people?
I have enough trust issues as it is. I can't trust anyone, not even my own family. Every time I find someone I think I can trust, they turn around and stab me in the back.
I just want one person, besides my family, to tell me I am worthy of staying on this earth. I thought maybe I found someone who could do that and in the grand tradition of things, he is no longer to be found. What happened to him, I don't know. But if he is not deathly sick or six foot under, then I think I will completely lose faith in humanity.
I went to the GI doctor the other day and he, as well as my mother, keeps pushing me to start taking anti-acid medication due to family history. My mother does not want me to end up with Barrett's esophagus like her. Why do neither get that I just don't fucking care? I am so freaking tired of everything. I am tired of fighting through life anymore. I just want to be done. I often say I am going to 50 and then I am done. I don't even know if I can make it that long.
Right now, I am sitting here with knots in my stomach. I have felt so frigging good for the past couple of weeks and now I am starting to feel depressed and I am fearful I am coming down off of this high and I am trying to do everything imaginable to hold onto it. I don't know how I will survive lapsing into a bad depressive state again. I have never felt anything quite like how I have felt the past couple weeks and I am terrified that I might try to harm myself just to deal with the massive change in mood. Maybe I am truly a manic depressive. Dear god, I hope I am not.
I am so tired of having mental problems. And everyone is always like, why suffer when you have an easily treatable condition? Actually, no I don't. For one, I do not have ONE easily treatable condition. Second, wake up! The mental health system sucks! Everything is about drugs and lining the doctor's pockets. How can I place any trust in these people?
I have enough trust issues as it is. I can't trust anyone, not even my own family. Every time I find someone I think I can trust, they turn around and stab me in the back.
I just want one person, besides my family, to tell me I am worthy of staying on this earth. I thought maybe I found someone who could do that and in the grand tradition of things, he is no longer to be found. What happened to him, I don't know. But if he is not deathly sick or six foot under, then I think I will completely lose faith in humanity.
I went to the GI doctor the other day and he, as well as my mother, keeps pushing me to start taking anti-acid medication due to family history. My mother does not want me to end up with Barrett's esophagus like her. Why do neither get that I just don't fucking care? I am so freaking tired of everything. I am tired of fighting through life anymore. I just want to be done. I often say I am going to 50 and then I am done. I don't even know if I can make it that long.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Quote Of The Day
From "Treehouse Of Horror XVI", Mayor Quimby after being turned into Mayor McCheese and is later found being eaten by dogs (and a frequent quote in my daily life):
I am not a Happy Meal right now!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Quote Of The Day
Michael K on the new OK magazine article on Mario Lopez:
The minute baby Gia Francesa fell out of her mother's chocha into the doctor's hands, Mario Lopez leaped and pivoted to the nearest gym to makes his glutes glutier, his biceps bicepier and six-pack six-packier
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Random Thoughts
Man, that half day of work today could not last long, could it?
Actually, work has been semi-pleasurable. Except for Monday when I had a minor blow-up. Now my boss's pet (we'll just call her BP from now on) was already on my shit list that day, seeing as every once a while I would go out and look at the shelf and more files would be missing, but the 3.25 inch one was still sitting on the top. So before lunch, I just say oh fuck it, guess it is mine and take it back. While I am on lunch, I see BP leave for the day. When I come back in, I find a small file sitting on my desk with a note attached saying "highlighted and stamped already, can you finish it?". I reread it and then said loudly "are you fucking kidding me?!". And then I look at the due date- November 17th. The fucking thing doesn't need to be back for more than a month. That is when I went apeshit. The one who gives me my work just looked at, said he doesn't work that way, and then I don't know what happened with it after that.
If it needed to be back this week or something, okay, yeah, I would have done, albeit with plenty of cursing under my breath. But November 17th? Hell no! There is absolutely no excuse she could not finish it another day. I rarely ever finish my work before I leave and I simply just leave it on my desk and finish it the next day. And somehow I have a feeling the little bitch still got away without doing it, which fucking infuriates me. She just gets away with everything.
I was reading an article the other day and someone happened to say that the female orgasm is a myth. I say, WHAT?! A myth? No way. An orgasm is an absolutely indescribable feeling. It's absolutely extraordinary. The physical feeling is actually kind of uncomfortable, but the emotional and mental feeling? Astonishing. If I could take a pill that consistantly releases whatever hormones are released during an orgasm, I would be the happiest person on earth. It is just incredible how I feel in that short span of time.
Actually, work has been semi-pleasurable. Except for Monday when I had a minor blow-up. Now my boss's pet (we'll just call her BP from now on) was already on my shit list that day, seeing as every once a while I would go out and look at the shelf and more files would be missing, but the 3.25 inch one was still sitting on the top. So before lunch, I just say oh fuck it, guess it is mine and take it back. While I am on lunch, I see BP leave for the day. When I come back in, I find a small file sitting on my desk with a note attached saying "highlighted and stamped already, can you finish it?". I reread it and then said loudly "are you fucking kidding me?!". And then I look at the due date- November 17th. The fucking thing doesn't need to be back for more than a month. That is when I went apeshit. The one who gives me my work just looked at, said he doesn't work that way, and then I don't know what happened with it after that.
If it needed to be back this week or something, okay, yeah, I would have done, albeit with plenty of cursing under my breath. But November 17th? Hell no! There is absolutely no excuse she could not finish it another day. I rarely ever finish my work before I leave and I simply just leave it on my desk and finish it the next day. And somehow I have a feeling the little bitch still got away without doing it, which fucking infuriates me. She just gets away with everything.
I was reading an article the other day and someone happened to say that the female orgasm is a myth. I say, WHAT?! A myth? No way. An orgasm is an absolutely indescribable feeling. It's absolutely extraordinary. The physical feeling is actually kind of uncomfortable, but the emotional and mental feeling? Astonishing. If I could take a pill that consistantly releases whatever hormones are released during an orgasm, I would be the happiest person on earth. It is just incredible how I feel in that short span of time.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Video Of The Day
Good news, everyone! It's 26 seconds of the Professor saying "good news, everyone!"!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Music to my ears!
Why is the Professor never considered one of the best cartoon characters?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Music to my ears!
Why is the Professor never considered one of the best cartoon characters?
Video Of The Day
I used to despise this song (I think it was the video that made me dislike it), but I heard it a couple years ago and fell in love with it. In fact, I think it is high time a new version be released, except there is no playing the guitar on MTV money for nothing chicks for free nowadays. Now it is just....be stupid and trashy as humanly possible money for nothing chicks for free.
Video Of The Day
She's batshit fucking crazy and that is exactly why I love her:
Youtube - Amy Winehouse - Rehab
Seriously- who could hate on this epitome of beauty? And look at who is with her! She could not find a better mentor and influence than Pete Doherty!
Youtube - Amy Winehouse - Rehab
Seriously- who could hate on this epitome of beauty? And look at who is with her! She could not find a better mentor and influence than Pete Doherty!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Random Thoughts
Ahhhh, finally that glorious day has come- Friday!
I have been noticing ever since that lousy death of that young man from Rutgers, bullying has become a very hot topic. Now everyone gives a damn? I was never bullied, but what I went through in sixth grade was close enough. Actually, it was more like borderline sexual harrassment. And I hate how people can stand there and nag that oh you can't let it bother you and you need thicker skin and oh you are just too sensitive and sticks and stones can break your bones and blah blah blah, but there is only so much one person can take. Do various structures not collapse once too much weight is placed upon them? And why the fuck can't people just get with the times already? It's not that hard to comprehend- being gay is not a choice!
I am a nasty person, but I guess there is still a sensitive side to me because I can't stand when some people are treated cruelly. I was reading an article in work about that Angelina chick from Durrrsey Shur and how mean everyone was to her. Now the one time I actually watched the show- okay! the several times I watched clips of it- she got on my fucking nerves. That voice, the excessive sleeping around.... oy (although I did laugh my ass off when she told Mike that he looks like a 40 year old man and that he should get Botox)! She seems like a world class skank. But if anything in this article is true (which, with someone like her, you kinda have to take with a grain of salt), wow. Just wow. Calling her fat? Come on. That is just ridiculous. That girl is not fat. And then in the comments section, someone actually said all of the girls were huge and fat. Come on! Snookie is the only girl on that show that could be remotely considered fat.
And I am shocked- SHOCKED- if Vinny actually said things like that. The rest of them? Not so much. Especially Ronnie. He puts me in the mind of someone who likes to go around calling people whales, but since he is pretty much a whale himself, I guess he really has no room to talk now, does he? But Vinny is supposed to be closest thing to human....like. What the hell, man?
I also keep coming across articles criticizing Bristol Palin on her weight and as much as I dislike that family, the comments are getting to be annoying. Yes, she is not "thin" but she is not that heavy. It's a sad day when I am actually kind of starting to feel sorry for the girl.
Back to the Shur article, I found this lurking in the comments:
I went to a pizza place last night and there was a delivery boy there that reminded me of a skinny version of the Situation and I kept trying to look at him, but of course, every time I would sneak a peek, he would look at me and I would have to turn away real quick. I didn't want to get caught oogling him. But I did want to rip my clothes off and jump him behind the counter.
I found this link the other day. So the Sitch is a tighty whiteys man, eh? Oh myyyyyy.
I have been going nuts trying to find a clip of this Geico commercial I hear every once in a while in work. It has this British guy and it goes something like this:
I have been noticing ever since that lousy death of that young man from Rutgers, bullying has become a very hot topic. Now everyone gives a damn? I was never bullied, but what I went through in sixth grade was close enough. Actually, it was more like borderline sexual harrassment. And I hate how people can stand there and nag that oh you can't let it bother you and you need thicker skin and oh you are just too sensitive and sticks and stones can break your bones and blah blah blah, but there is only so much one person can take. Do various structures not collapse once too much weight is placed upon them? And why the fuck can't people just get with the times already? It's not that hard to comprehend- being gay is not a choice!
I am a nasty person, but I guess there is still a sensitive side to me because I can't stand when some people are treated cruelly. I was reading an article in work about that Angelina chick from Durrrsey Shur and how mean everyone was to her. Now the one time I actually watched the show- okay! the several times I watched clips of it- she got on my fucking nerves. That voice, the excessive sleeping around.... oy (although I did laugh my ass off when she told Mike that he looks like a 40 year old man and that he should get Botox)! She seems like a world class skank. But if anything in this article is true (which, with someone like her, you kinda have to take with a grain of salt), wow. Just wow. Calling her fat? Come on. That is just ridiculous. That girl is not fat. And then in the comments section, someone actually said all of the girls were huge and fat. Come on! Snookie is the only girl on that show that could be remotely considered fat.
And I am shocked- SHOCKED- if Vinny actually said things like that. The rest of them? Not so much. Especially Ronnie. He puts me in the mind of someone who likes to go around calling people whales, but since he is pretty much a whale himself, I guess he really has no room to talk now, does he? But Vinny is supposed to be closest thing to human....like. What the hell, man?
I also keep coming across articles criticizing Bristol Palin on her weight and as much as I dislike that family, the comments are getting to be annoying. Yes, she is not "thin" but she is not that heavy. It's a sad day when I am actually kind of starting to feel sorry for the girl.
Back to the Shur article, I found this lurking in the comments:
he's only staying because of his popularity w/all those young, skanky gals who would bed him in a minuteI resent that. I am not skanky.
I went to a pizza place last night and there was a delivery boy there that reminded me of a skinny version of the Situation and I kept trying to look at him, but of course, every time I would sneak a peek, he would look at me and I would have to turn away real quick. I didn't want to get caught oogling him. But I did want to rip my clothes off and jump him behind the counter.
I found this link the other day. So the Sitch is a tighty whiteys man, eh? Oh myyyyyy.
I have been going nuts trying to find a clip of this Geico commercial I hear every once in a while in work. It has this British guy and it goes something like this:
You know what else is shocking? I'm not the gecko. Ah, you think just because I have a British accent and am talking about Geico that I am a little green gecko. Well, I'm not! I'm a human being! And you know what else is shocking? I wear pants! No, not tiny little lizard pants; big man pants!It makes me laugh my ass off.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Video Of The Day
How in the hell was I supposed to know?! One of the best Kids In The Hall sketches:
Faux Pas
I do not think that any of the other Kids could have played that part any better than Kevin McDonald. That voice just completely made everything. And Mark's catanonia at the end was fucking priceless. I laugh my ass off everytime I watch this sketch.
Faux Pas
I do not think that any of the other Kids could have played that part any better than Kevin McDonald. That voice just completely made everything. And Mark's catanonia at the end was fucking priceless. I laugh my ass off everytime I watch this sketch.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Quote Of The Day
From Family Guy episode "Tales Of A Third Grade Nothing":
(when Peter's hot air balloon house crashes Cleveland's house)
Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, no, noooo! (Lands on the ground) I can't feel my legs!
Joe: Welcome to the party, pal!
Cleveland: No wait, there they are.
Joe: (disappointed) Ohh.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Quote Of The Day
Cracked.com user UmberPhoenix in response to this article:
I also had a similar experience reading this from this article:
I was laughing so hard reading this that I inhaled my own spittle, suffocated, died, and said "Oh no you don't!" and came back as a ghost so I could finish reading the articleI had a similar experience reading this comment.
I also had a similar experience reading this from this article:
The idea of riding into battle on a steed while fully encased in metal and waving a sword is such an astronomically manly act that we're surprised anyone ever actually did it without their balls exploding from the testosterone. Knights made lumberjacks look like hair dressers.
All This Pink Can Suck It
Ugh, it is only October 3rd and I am already so sick of the sea of fucking pink everywhere, I could puke. I was in Wal-Fart last night and I actually saw pink bubble paper. Bubble paper! Our newspaper is pink! Where was the teal last month for Ovarian Cancer Awareness? Or the gold for Childhood Cancer Awareness? That is the one that always surprises me. We live in such a childcratic society- everything is the almighty child- and yet I never hear much come September about it being CCA month. In fact, I didn't even know September was CCA month until last weekend when I passed an Alex's Lemonade Stand and someone informed me that it was.
Quote Of The Day
From Futurama episode "The Problem With Popplers":
Bender: I'll miss you, Leela. I know you're just a carbon-based life form but I'll always think of you as a big pile of titanium.
[He sobs. Fry puts his arm around him.]
Fry: What Bender means is, you're really brave, and smart, and beautiful, and a great friend.
Bender: [crying] Just like titanium!
[He cries into Fry's lap.]
Leela: This is all a big load. I was the one trying to save the Popplers. [She points at Fry.] You were sucking them down like the fat hog you are and you were stepping on them for fun. [She points at Bender who stares blankly back at her.] You both should be in here instead of me.
Bender: [whispering to Fry] Someone's acting awfully aluminum.
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