Merry early Christmas! It's currently 70 degrees right now in my neck of the woods. WTF?
Yesterday we had a cake in work for my birthday. Someone asked the MOB if she wanted a piece and she goes "no it looks too sweet" (it was vanilla cake with buttercream). And she said it a couple more times. And then starts saying how she doesn't like vanilla icing, blah blah blah. I just walked away when she started with that. I felt like saying to her "First off, last I checked, it's not your birthday. Second, we don't need to hear your opinion on everything. And last, do you have to be so fucking negative about everything?". Like just say no thank you and STFU.
I know I can be a miserable person but JFC, her negativity just sucks the life and fun out of everything. She's like a fucking Dementor. We had Christmas music on on Monday and she did nothing but nonstop bitch about it. Despite saying she doesn't care what is on, but that she can tune the music out. So then tune it out and STFU.
I always have to laugh how she looks down at music and top 40 radio (which I am guilty of myself but never mind that). Bitch, you're a fucking Linkin Park fan. Take several seats.
Showing posts with label My Birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Birthday. Show all posts
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Random Thoughts
I have had a pulling pain right above the bikini line on the left side for the past few hours, right about where an ovary sits on a diagram, along with cramping across the lower abdomen and lower back. It's starting to get really annoying. This pain and cramping all throughout the month, every month, is starting to get to be really annoying.
All of these women problems are starting to get tiring. This whole thing of worrying I am going through perimenopause is beyond tiring.
I finally slept a little better last night. Didn't have any episodes of waking up warm. Hopefully tonight will be good, too. Early Monday morning I did end up waking up feeling warm, though. I almost wonder if the feelings of being warm had anything to do with all of the bad eating I had been doing and fluid retention. Who knows? All I know is I am so tired of eating bad!
So I did end up with a market cake on Monday. I was not happy. Not that I don't appreciate getting a cake, but why am I the only one who never gets a bakery cake? Oh, and I didn't get a card, either. And then I had to laugh- there was a little less than half the cake left and my boss is all oh you can take it home to your family and then cuts herself a second huge slice, leaving me with slightly more than a quarter of a cake. I was appalled. Like that little bit of cake was going to be enough for several people. And like she needed that second slice.
And then to top it off, she bought me a pack of cheesecake slices because she knows I like it. It was a really nice gesture, don't get me wrong, but for someone who knows I am really restrictive with eating, seeing as how she has to make a reference to it nearly every time we have food in that damn place, she should have just saved her money. Not that it won't get eaten.
Every time people make reference to my eating habits, I want to kick the wall. I already know it's disordered and feel shitty about it; I don't need the extra attention brought to it.
And speaking of feeling shitty, for the past couple of New Year's Eves, it was just my parents and me. And we figured this year would be the same, so we decided we would go to Red Robin for dinner so I can score my free birthday burger. And apparently my sister wanted to go to dinner with us this year. Except she hates Red Robin. My parents sound like they are still set on going to Red Robin and now I feel like shit. Why does everything always have to make me feel like shit?
And continuing on in feeling shitty, I don't want the holiday season to end this week. Maybe, just maybe, one of these holiday seasons I will actually feel happy.
All of these women problems are starting to get tiring. This whole thing of worrying I am going through perimenopause is beyond tiring.
I finally slept a little better last night. Didn't have any episodes of waking up warm. Hopefully tonight will be good, too. Early Monday morning I did end up waking up feeling warm, though. I almost wonder if the feelings of being warm had anything to do with all of the bad eating I had been doing and fluid retention. Who knows? All I know is I am so tired of eating bad!
So I did end up with a market cake on Monday. I was not happy. Not that I don't appreciate getting a cake, but why am I the only one who never gets a bakery cake? Oh, and I didn't get a card, either. And then I had to laugh- there was a little less than half the cake left and my boss is all oh you can take it home to your family and then cuts herself a second huge slice, leaving me with slightly more than a quarter of a cake. I was appalled. Like that little bit of cake was going to be enough for several people. And like she needed that second slice.
And then to top it off, she bought me a pack of cheesecake slices because she knows I like it. It was a really nice gesture, don't get me wrong, but for someone who knows I am really restrictive with eating, seeing as how she has to make a reference to it nearly every time we have food in that damn place, she should have just saved her money. Not that it won't get eaten.
Every time people make reference to my eating habits, I want to kick the wall. I already know it's disordered and feel shitty about it; I don't need the extra attention brought to it.
And speaking of feeling shitty, for the past couple of New Year's Eves, it was just my parents and me. And we figured this year would be the same, so we decided we would go to Red Robin for dinner so I can score my free birthday burger. And apparently my sister wanted to go to dinner with us this year. Except she hates Red Robin. My parents sound like they are still set on going to Red Robin and now I feel like shit. Why does everything always have to make me feel like shit?
And continuing on in feeling shitty, I don't want the holiday season to end this week. Maybe, just maybe, one of these holiday seasons I will actually feel happy.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Again Why
Woke up at 5:40AM and started to feel warm and a little sweaty. I am nauseous and my fingers are feeling tingly and I am starting to get super anxious. I also did end up getting up and exercising and after I got out of the shower I had a little bit of blood again so now I am worried I just made things worse all over again.
9:26PM: When I opened my email today at work, I had an email from my boss that had been sent to me about 20 minutes after I left on Tuesday apologizing for forgetting my birthday and wanting to know what I wanted for Monday. I was pretty damn pissed off. I don't think I would have been as pissed off if it wasn't for the fact that she did it like everything else she does- emails after the person leaves the office. Do something wrong? She'll never confront the situation while you're in the office. Instead, she'll wait until after you leave and email you so you can come into a nice scathing email first thing in the morning. I would have rather have had her pull me aside on Tuesday before I left and say, look I forgot your birthday (not that it wasn't clearly obvious). I didn't answer her back until about 3PM today.
And I swear if I get a market cake again I am going to scream. Not that I mind market cakes, they're usually pretty damn good, but everyone else always gets cakes from the bakery where I get my family birthday cake from. In fact, work is the first place I ever had that cake. And they are not very cheap cakes. Not to mention every time they ask me what I want, I never really get what I ask for. The first year I got a cake, I told my boss I like vanilla cake with vanilla icing and she bought me a vanilla cake with white icing and some kind of strawberry flavored filling. It was good, but what if I couldn't have strawberry? And last year I ended up with a cake with marble icing after asking for vanilla icing. And again, it was good, but why ask me what I like if you're not going to get what I say I like?
I got a Fitbit for Christmas and I decided to use it this morning and when I first strapped it on, my heart rate read 114 BPM. This was before I even started exercising. I was texting my sister earlier about things and I happened to mention it and a few minutes later she sends me a picture followed by a text that says the last one sounds like my case. When I enlarged the picture, it was a list of things causing tachycardia and the last one was emotional distress. I got up and went into the bathroom and cried. That did not help my bad mood by any means. Again, I don't doubt my anxiety is contributing to things, but I am bleeding and spotting between my period, which means something with my hormone levels isn't up to par, so why could that not possibly be contributing to my heart racing?
One day last week I think it was my anxiety levels were even higher than normal and no matter what I tried to do to calm down, I couldn't. I tried deep breathing and ended up nearly having a panic attack. Tried listening to "Siberian Breaks" and it didn't help much. Tried a shower and it didn't help much. So I posted something on Facebook asking for any other tips. My sister responds with "exercise!". I felt like saying are you fucking kidding me? She knows damn well I work out faithfully 5 days a week. And obviously it has no benefit on my anxiety levels, because if it did, I would not be the high strung train wreck I am right now. It used to keep my anxiety levels somewhat in check, but I don't know what in the hell happened.
9:26PM: When I opened my email today at work, I had an email from my boss that had been sent to me about 20 minutes after I left on Tuesday apologizing for forgetting my birthday and wanting to know what I wanted for Monday. I was pretty damn pissed off. I don't think I would have been as pissed off if it wasn't for the fact that she did it like everything else she does- emails after the person leaves the office. Do something wrong? She'll never confront the situation while you're in the office. Instead, she'll wait until after you leave and email you so you can come into a nice scathing email first thing in the morning. I would have rather have had her pull me aside on Tuesday before I left and say, look I forgot your birthday (not that it wasn't clearly obvious). I didn't answer her back until about 3PM today.
And I swear if I get a market cake again I am going to scream. Not that I mind market cakes, they're usually pretty damn good, but everyone else always gets cakes from the bakery where I get my family birthday cake from. In fact, work is the first place I ever had that cake. And they are not very cheap cakes. Not to mention every time they ask me what I want, I never really get what I ask for. The first year I got a cake, I told my boss I like vanilla cake with vanilla icing and she bought me a vanilla cake with white icing and some kind of strawberry flavored filling. It was good, but what if I couldn't have strawberry? And last year I ended up with a cake with marble icing after asking for vanilla icing. And again, it was good, but why ask me what I like if you're not going to get what I say I like?
I got a Fitbit for Christmas and I decided to use it this morning and when I first strapped it on, my heart rate read 114 BPM. This was before I even started exercising. I was texting my sister earlier about things and I happened to mention it and a few minutes later she sends me a picture followed by a text that says the last one sounds like my case. When I enlarged the picture, it was a list of things causing tachycardia and the last one was emotional distress. I got up and went into the bathroom and cried. That did not help my bad mood by any means. Again, I don't doubt my anxiety is contributing to things, but I am bleeding and spotting between my period, which means something with my hormone levels isn't up to par, so why could that not possibly be contributing to my heart racing?
One day last week I think it was my anxiety levels were even higher than normal and no matter what I tried to do to calm down, I couldn't. I tried deep breathing and ended up nearly having a panic attack. Tried listening to "Siberian Breaks" and it didn't help much. Tried a shower and it didn't help much. So I posted something on Facebook asking for any other tips. My sister responds with "exercise!". I felt like saying are you fucking kidding me? She knows damn well I work out faithfully 5 days a week. And obviously it has no benefit on my anxiety levels, because if it did, I would not be the high strung train wreck I am right now. It used to keep my anxiety levels somewhat in check, but I don't know what in the hell happened.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Random Thoughts
I do not understand why Malwarebytes is set to check for updates once every hour on my computer yet certain times it decides to check for updates multiple times in a one hour span. It always happens in the 9PM hour when I am in the midst of listening to music and checking up on certain webpages. And it always, without fail, manages to check for updates when I am in the midst of listening to a really good song and then it gets all distorted because my computer is fucking prehistoric and can't handle that much memory usage.
So it's my birthday. Can't say I feel any different than when I woke up. Got no birthday cake or anything in work. At least all of my coworkers wished me a happy birthday. Everyone that is except my boss. Even when one of my coworkers was standing right next to her and said happy birthday to me, she didn't say anything. Bitch.
I was planning on being as good as possible today. That didn't happen. I had pizza for dinner, then a cookie, and I just ate 2 cupcakes. Two! And then bad eating for the next 2 days! ARGH!
And because I was going to be bad, I decided to get on my bike earlier. And while I was on there, I thought watch, later on when I go to pee, I'll probably start bleeding. I'll give you one guess what I faced a little over an hour later. I don't understand why when I come home from work and exercise, I bleed. Why can I exercise in the morning with no problem? It's so frustrating!
One day last week, my crown decided to remind my brain of its existence, so now I have been obsessing over it breaking or loosening again. Or that one of my real teeth is cracked and worrying that it's going to get infected and I'll need root canal. I am not chewing right and it's giving me pain that only makes my worrying worse. The left side of my jaw is hurting right now and I am all tense that there is an infection brewing inside, although it's more than likely my jaw muscles hurting from grinding and not chewing right.
I hate my teeth so much right now. I can look in my mouth right now and pick out at least 2 teeth that probably need or will need crowns. I'll lose my freaking mind if I have to get more crowns. Why do I even bother taking such good care of my teeth?
Goddamn, I am listening to "The Other Side" by Paul Van Dyk and Wayne Jackson (the Deep Dish remix version) and the bass of it is about to blow my eardrums out. Every time I listen to that song, I think of the Futurama episode "The Sting". I always find that episode incredibly depressing. The song itself is pretty depressing and haunting when you listen to the lyrics. If I recall, Paul wrote the song in response to the South East Asia tsunami, but I am not sure.
So it's my birthday. Can't say I feel any different than when I woke up. Got no birthday cake or anything in work. At least all of my coworkers wished me a happy birthday. Everyone that is except my boss. Even when one of my coworkers was standing right next to her and said happy birthday to me, she didn't say anything. Bitch.
I was planning on being as good as possible today. That didn't happen. I had pizza for dinner, then a cookie, and I just ate 2 cupcakes. Two! And then bad eating for the next 2 days! ARGH!
And because I was going to be bad, I decided to get on my bike earlier. And while I was on there, I thought watch, later on when I go to pee, I'll probably start bleeding. I'll give you one guess what I faced a little over an hour later. I don't understand why when I come home from work and exercise, I bleed. Why can I exercise in the morning with no problem? It's so frustrating!
One day last week, my crown decided to remind my brain of its existence, so now I have been obsessing over it breaking or loosening again. Or that one of my real teeth is cracked and worrying that it's going to get infected and I'll need root canal. I am not chewing right and it's giving me pain that only makes my worrying worse. The left side of my jaw is hurting right now and I am all tense that there is an infection brewing inside, although it's more than likely my jaw muscles hurting from grinding and not chewing right.
I hate my teeth so much right now. I can look in my mouth right now and pick out at least 2 teeth that probably need or will need crowns. I'll lose my freaking mind if I have to get more crowns. Why do I even bother taking such good care of my teeth?
Goddamn, I am listening to "The Other Side" by Paul Van Dyk and Wayne Jackson (the Deep Dish remix version) and the bass of it is about to blow my eardrums out. Every time I listen to that song, I think of the Futurama episode "The Sting". I always find that episode incredibly depressing. The song itself is pretty depressing and haunting when you listen to the lyrics. If I recall, Paul wrote the song in response to the South East Asia tsunami, but I am not sure.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Random Thoughts
Well, another Christmas over. And I have my usual post-Christmas blues. I am also feeling unusually blue about my birthday being over also. Not really sure why. Maybe because I am turning 30 next year and am not looking forward to it. I am not upset because I am getting older. That is inevitable. It's going to happen and there is nothing I can do about it. I am not happy with where my life is. If I went back in time to my senior year of high school and was asked to guess where I would be in life at 29 years old, my guess would have been nowhere near reality. And it depresses the hell out of me. Which makes the act of changing a million times harder.
I mentioned I went out on Saturday with my sister and brother-in-law for my birthday. Sunday I went to dinner with my parents, but didn't do anything else. Christmas Eve we did our usual going over my grandparent's. That got a little screwed up at first. My sister and brother-in-law came over about 6PM to head over with us and my sister was upset because earlier in the day she had had water running down her leg at one point and she was afraid her water had broken. Now this is where it gets odd and a little irritating. My sister has been a nervous wreck pretty much her entire pregnancy of something going wrong. If she doesn't feel the baby moving, she gets upset. She would not even tell anyone she was pregnant for the longest time until she was past a certain point. And not the usual point people wait (six weeks, is it?). Long, LONG after that point. And when she said something to her husband about the water, he told her she was fine. She who works with pregnant women and worries about every little thing, but decides to listen to her husband. Eventually she gets herself so worked up that he finally agrees to take her to the hospital. She was fine, of course, but I can't wrap my mind around the whole situation.
And that is one of the things that really aggravates me about my brother-in-law sometimes. He just brushes everything off all the time like it's nothing. Okay, so maybe everyone in my family has the tendency to worry a little too much, but having such a laid back and stubborn mentality can be a bad thing too. Like his stubbornness of not pulling over to let someone else drive when he can't stay awake. Or his blatant disregard for cellphone laws.
And what is it about a pregnancy that everyone just loses their freaking minds? Every time we are around family or whatever, people are so fucking weird with the things they say and do. My grandmother says she talks to the baby every day. I just.....I can't with that. And people talk to the baby in the womb, which in itself isn't too odd I guess, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't even think if I was pregnant I could bring myself to talk to it. It certainly would hear a lot of music, though. That is about the only thing that makes me sad about not ever being pregnant- I have always wanted to play music for my unborn child. It's kind of sad that that is about the only thing I am upset about. I talked to the ultrasound picture once, though. A day when my sister was being exceptionally bitchy and everyone in my family was being obnoxious, I picked up the picture when I was home alone and said "I feel sorry for you".
And the whole blame the baby for everything, from farting to cravings.....*eye roll*
But anyway, eventually they joined us at the g-rents, we ate, had my cake, blah blah blah. Christmas day, everyone came over our house. Same thing, everyone ate, blah blah blah. I ate way too much and I have about 4 days worth of bad food just sitting in my intestines and making me bloated and miserable and I can't go to the bathroom for anything. Two of those days involved corn, which is making everything a million times worse. I am tempted to take Milk of Magnesia, but I am really trying to just let this bad bout of constipation run its course and resolve itself.
Sorry. And in continuing with TMI, I appear to be spotting again. I am not quite sure how long it would take for birth control to stop it, but I am not quite sure how long I want to stay on these pills. My breasts are sore, I am still getting nausea, and I am getting increasingly moody and emotional. On Christmas Eve, I was doing a 15 minute bike ride and while I was on it, I had Too Cute on and it cut to a commercial break and this commercial came on for the Humane Society and I was getting increasingly emotional with each animal being shown and then they showed this clip of a guy running in the snow with a club at a seal and I was like what the hell is he doing OMFG he is going to club that seal to death and I lost it. I sobbed almost the entire 15 minutes. And I could not stop. Didn't help when towards the end of the commercial they show a white seal up close and it was just so damn adorable, especially when it blinked its big black eyes. That scene of the guy running at the seal has been haunting me since then. I can't stand feeling so emotional, but damn, this is about the closest to feeling human I have felt in a long time.
I'd like to kick that guy to the ground and start hitting him with a club. Not kill him, of course, because I am not a monster like him, but beat him and see how he likes it.
I love Too Cute. I am one big pile of squeeing mush when I watch it.
After the CT shooting, there was that big controversy over that Kesha song. I think the whole thing was ridiculous. I don't even like Kesha, so it pains me to defend her. It's a harmless song.The song was out long before the shooting happened. Who gives a shit if she was bragging about the lyrics before the shooting? Did the word "before" lose its meaning or something? It was before the shooting. Before! Before! Before! But I was on a webpage with an article discussing the whole situation and someone that I follow on posts (big MGMT fan) posted a comment slamming the song and its message. Something about glamorizing partying and dying young. Something probably millions of artists have written and sang about before. But then something occurred to me. And I started laughing. Um, may I remind her of this:
I mentioned I went out on Saturday with my sister and brother-in-law for my birthday. Sunday I went to dinner with my parents, but didn't do anything else. Christmas Eve we did our usual going over my grandparent's. That got a little screwed up at first. My sister and brother-in-law came over about 6PM to head over with us and my sister was upset because earlier in the day she had had water running down her leg at one point and she was afraid her water had broken. Now this is where it gets odd and a little irritating. My sister has been a nervous wreck pretty much her entire pregnancy of something going wrong. If she doesn't feel the baby moving, she gets upset. She would not even tell anyone she was pregnant for the longest time until she was past a certain point. And not the usual point people wait (six weeks, is it?). Long, LONG after that point. And when she said something to her husband about the water, he told her she was fine. She who works with pregnant women and worries about every little thing, but decides to listen to her husband. Eventually she gets herself so worked up that he finally agrees to take her to the hospital. She was fine, of course, but I can't wrap my mind around the whole situation.
And that is one of the things that really aggravates me about my brother-in-law sometimes. He just brushes everything off all the time like it's nothing. Okay, so maybe everyone in my family has the tendency to worry a little too much, but having such a laid back and stubborn mentality can be a bad thing too. Like his stubbornness of not pulling over to let someone else drive when he can't stay awake. Or his blatant disregard for cellphone laws.
And what is it about a pregnancy that everyone just loses their freaking minds? Every time we are around family or whatever, people are so fucking weird with the things they say and do. My grandmother says she talks to the baby every day. I just.....I can't with that. And people talk to the baby in the womb, which in itself isn't too odd I guess, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't even think if I was pregnant I could bring myself to talk to it. It certainly would hear a lot of music, though. That is about the only thing that makes me sad about not ever being pregnant- I have always wanted to play music for my unborn child. It's kind of sad that that is about the only thing I am upset about. I talked to the ultrasound picture once, though. A day when my sister was being exceptionally bitchy and everyone in my family was being obnoxious, I picked up the picture when I was home alone and said "I feel sorry for you".
And the whole blame the baby for everything, from farting to cravings.....*eye roll*
But anyway, eventually they joined us at the g-rents, we ate, had my cake, blah blah blah. Christmas day, everyone came over our house. Same thing, everyone ate, blah blah blah. I ate way too much and I have about 4 days worth of bad food just sitting in my intestines and making me bloated and miserable and I can't go to the bathroom for anything. Two of those days involved corn, which is making everything a million times worse. I am tempted to take Milk of Magnesia, but I am really trying to just let this bad bout of constipation run its course and resolve itself.
Sorry. And in continuing with TMI, I appear to be spotting again. I am not quite sure how long it would take for birth control to stop it, but I am not quite sure how long I want to stay on these pills. My breasts are sore, I am still getting nausea, and I am getting increasingly moody and emotional. On Christmas Eve, I was doing a 15 minute bike ride and while I was on it, I had Too Cute on and it cut to a commercial break and this commercial came on for the Humane Society and I was getting increasingly emotional with each animal being shown and then they showed this clip of a guy running in the snow with a club at a seal and I was like what the hell is he doing OMFG he is going to club that seal to death and I lost it. I sobbed almost the entire 15 minutes. And I could not stop. Didn't help when towards the end of the commercial they show a white seal up close and it was just so damn adorable, especially when it blinked its big black eyes. That scene of the guy running at the seal has been haunting me since then. I can't stand feeling so emotional, but damn, this is about the closest to feeling human I have felt in a long time.
I'd like to kick that guy to the ground and start hitting him with a club. Not kill him, of course, because I am not a monster like him, but beat him and see how he likes it.
I love Too Cute. I am one big pile of squeeing mush when I watch it.
After the CT shooting, there was that big controversy over that Kesha song. I think the whole thing was ridiculous. I don't even like Kesha, so it pains me to defend her. It's a harmless song.The song was out long before the shooting happened. Who gives a shit if she was bragging about the lyrics before the shooting? Did the word "before" lose its meaning or something? It was before the shooting. Before! Before! Before! But I was on a webpage with an article discussing the whole situation and someone that I follow on posts (big MGMT fan) posted a comment slamming the song and its message. Something about glamorizing partying and dying young. Something probably millions of artists have written and sang about before. But then something occurred to me. And I started laughing. Um, may I remind her of this:
I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my lifeHahahahahaha I can't with this. I have to go listen to the song now. As will you:
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars
This is our decision
To live fast and die young
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute
Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone
There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course
We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Random Thoughts
Since the CT shooting, there is still repeated talks of better mental
health awareness, that the stigma needs to stop so people will be more
willing to get treatment. And yet some of the shit I see on the
internet, the stigma is getting worse and worse. I've seen people say
that either come right out and say or passive-aggressively imply that
all mentally ill people are dangerous. I've seen people say that
mentally ill people should be rounded up and put into Hunger Games like
situations. Yeah, this kind of stuff is really going to persuade someone
who already feels like a leper for being mentally ill want to get help.
I'm so tired of the stereotype that mentally ill people are dangerous. Are all dangerous people mentally disturbed? Probably. But not all mentally disturbed people are dangerous.
I will never understand how someone can take a life. I really don't. And so brutally too.
But onto a happier topic....it's my birthday! Yay!*
*not really
Facebook was sucko when I went on. I had two notifications, and received one while I was scrolling through. And speaking of scrolling, have I ever mentioned how much I hate infinite scroll? Normally I'd have a lot more notifications than that. I know it's only stupid Facebook and I shouldn't give a shit, but it's kind of depressing the hell out of me.
At least I had a decent day yesterday. I did go to see the Hobbit and luckily the theater wasn't real crowded. It was good, just as I expected. I just wish I could remember where in the hell my copy of the book is. I want to read it again. The previews before the movie were pretty stupid. I'd say 95% of them were about alien attacks and they were loud as shit. I can't with these loud ass movies anymore, and I can't with these apocalypse movies either. If it's not some shitty remake or sequel, it's an end of the world movie. Enough is enough. Find some news ideas already. But anyway, then I went to Chili's for dinner. I love Chili's. They really have good chicken fingers. Of course I feel like crap from it. I know I shouldn't eat corn, but I still do. It was so good, though!
And on top of feeling crappy, those damn birth control pills are making me so nauseous! Last night I felt so sick I was about to go in and make myself throw up just to get rid of some of the nausea. At least when I got on the scale on Friday, I was still within my weight allowance (I was about 123 pounds. And pretty bloated). But these pills are taking all of the fun out of eating because I am so worried about gaining weight. And I do notice I keep getting very emotional. I heard some story about a priest who was attacked and robbed the other night in Philly and it made me feel so bad I almost started to cry. Especially when someone said that the priest had tears pouring down his face from being maced. He wasn't even necessarily crying, but I felt sympathetic tears. Might explain why I am feeling so depressed right now. I don't want to be on these damn pills!
Meh. I'll go make my day better by listening to my kings. That sounds like a good way to spend my birthday. Only thing that could make it better is if Andrew was one of my birthday gifts. And I would love for him to pop out of a cake looking just like this.
I'm so tired of the stereotype that mentally ill people are dangerous. Are all dangerous people mentally disturbed? Probably. But not all mentally disturbed people are dangerous.
I will never understand how someone can take a life. I really don't. And so brutally too.
But onto a happier topic....it's my birthday! Yay!*
*not really
Facebook was sucko when I went on. I had two notifications, and received one while I was scrolling through. And speaking of scrolling, have I ever mentioned how much I hate infinite scroll? Normally I'd have a lot more notifications than that. I know it's only stupid Facebook and I shouldn't give a shit, but it's kind of depressing the hell out of me.
At least I had a decent day yesterday. I did go to see the Hobbit and luckily the theater wasn't real crowded. It was good, just as I expected. I just wish I could remember where in the hell my copy of the book is. I want to read it again. The previews before the movie were pretty stupid. I'd say 95% of them were about alien attacks and they were loud as shit. I can't with these loud ass movies anymore, and I can't with these apocalypse movies either. If it's not some shitty remake or sequel, it's an end of the world movie. Enough is enough. Find some news ideas already. But anyway, then I went to Chili's for dinner. I love Chili's. They really have good chicken fingers. Of course I feel like crap from it. I know I shouldn't eat corn, but I still do. It was so good, though!
And on top of feeling crappy, those damn birth control pills are making me so nauseous! Last night I felt so sick I was about to go in and make myself throw up just to get rid of some of the nausea. At least when I got on the scale on Friday, I was still within my weight allowance (I was about 123 pounds. And pretty bloated). But these pills are taking all of the fun out of eating because I am so worried about gaining weight. And I do notice I keep getting very emotional. I heard some story about a priest who was attacked and robbed the other night in Philly and it made me feel so bad I almost started to cry. Especially when someone said that the priest had tears pouring down his face from being maced. He wasn't even necessarily crying, but I felt sympathetic tears. Might explain why I am feeling so depressed right now. I don't want to be on these damn pills!
Meh. I'll go make my day better by listening to my kings. That sounds like a good way to spend my birthday. Only thing that could make it better is if Andrew was one of my birthday gifts. And I would love for him to pop out of a cake looking just like this.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Random Thoughts
Boo! It's Sunday! *blows loud raspberry*
I want any skinny people to tell me how they manage to stay warm in the winter months. I am so fucking cold and no matter what I do, I cannot get warm. I can barely recall the last time, with the exception of vacation in Myrtle Beach, when the words "I am so hot" came out of my mouth. It's not like I have no body fat, for God's sake. I had substantial bloodwork done in August ($855 worth!) and all come back in normal ranges, so I am not anemic or have a hypothyroid.
Ugh, everyone is getting on me about a Christmas list. I cannot think of absolutely anything I want and I have to come up with a birthday list as well! I have had this problem for a very long time. I am very anal about owning a lot of things, so it always makes it difficult to come up with a list. This is why I always laugh when people ask me if I ever feel like I get ripped off at the holidays. Noo. My only complaint is plenty of people seem to forget about my birthday.
I wish that spawn of Palin would STFU. It's bad enough we have to hear from Mommy Dearest constantly. Now her too? Like mother, like daughter. Defensive as shit, always flying off the handle yet never ONCE actually denying what they are being accused of. Reminds me of me. I do crap like that. And we all know I am fucking nuts.
I once was almost feeling sorry for her with all of the weight jokes being tossed around, but the way she was behaving the last few weeks, any sympathy flew out the window. How does someone spend so much time dancing and gain weight like that? I mean, look at me for example. I am a freak of nature. Do you know how some people will eat bad and then compensate by over exercising? I cannot compensate my bad eating with exercising. For some reason, if I go above 30 minutes of exercise, 5 days a week, I tend to hold weight or even gain weight. The summer of 2009, I went through a brief period where I was doing that. I am talking a little bit of overeating and spending an hour or more exercising because I felt so horrible and guilty for overeating. And I actually gained weight! But I have never ballooned up like this bitch. The most I gained was 2 to 5 pounds and it might have been muscle for all I know. It takes an extra 3500 calories to gain a pound! How many calories a day was she consuming? About 20,000?
On a side note, I am very proud to say I have not engaged in any bulimic behavior since September. And I have actually lost weight! Huzzahs are in order!
Last week, some controversey blew up in Philly about the renaming of some wooden shack stores from "Christmas Village" to "Holiday Village" or something (I actually was there last year and I almost died of a heart attack on the spot when I came upon a stand that was literally bursting with nesting dolls) and then it concluded with the original name being kept. Yeah, I thought it was kind of stupid to change the name, but ugh, did the War On Christmas soldiers come charging out of the woodwork. I am beyond the point of being sick of hearing about this crap every year.
UGH! I wish everyone would just STFU.
I was reading the GQ article on the Sitch being the Burning Sensation of The Year, or whatever he was nominated for, and I came across a photo gallery and there was THIS. Two thoughts ran through my head- the first thing I thought was, dayum, does he have a penchant for tight pants or something? The second thing I thought was, what, no sock this time around, Mike?
*tilts head and leans closer to screen* I don't know; what do you all think? Was that definitely a sock in the last set of girl pants? I think it was.
Ha. He's all sweaty in that picture. Makes me think of the sketch from Kids In The Hall when the Chicken Lady and the Bearded Lady go to the strip club and Chicken Lady says "and I stuck a quarter in his belly button and it stayed there. Wanna know why? 'Cause he was sweaty" or something like that. Man, that was one of the BEST KITH sketches. My sister never even cracked a smile at any of the KITH sketches, but even she laughed at that one.
And I like how light conveniently shines across his chest and part of his abs. I half expected heavenly music to start blaring out of my computer speakers.
Photos - The Year in Us Weekly - September 27, 2010 - UsMagazine.com
Hey! Why do not I not recall ever seeing this issue in work? Oh. Right. Hm. I'll have to see if my local library has an issue so I can read about the Situation's "diva antics".
lol- diva antics. I'd love to know just how much of a drama queen that boy is.
I want any skinny people to tell me how they manage to stay warm in the winter months. I am so fucking cold and no matter what I do, I cannot get warm. I can barely recall the last time, with the exception of vacation in Myrtle Beach, when the words "I am so hot" came out of my mouth. It's not like I have no body fat, for God's sake. I had substantial bloodwork done in August ($855 worth!) and all come back in normal ranges, so I am not anemic or have a hypothyroid.
Ugh, everyone is getting on me about a Christmas list. I cannot think of absolutely anything I want and I have to come up with a birthday list as well! I have had this problem for a very long time. I am very anal about owning a lot of things, so it always makes it difficult to come up with a list. This is why I always laugh when people ask me if I ever feel like I get ripped off at the holidays. Noo. My only complaint is plenty of people seem to forget about my birthday.
I wish that spawn of Palin would STFU. It's bad enough we have to hear from Mommy Dearest constantly. Now her too? Like mother, like daughter. Defensive as shit, always flying off the handle yet never ONCE actually denying what they are being accused of. Reminds me of me. I do crap like that. And we all know I am fucking nuts.
I once was almost feeling sorry for her with all of the weight jokes being tossed around, but the way she was behaving the last few weeks, any sympathy flew out the window. How does someone spend so much time dancing and gain weight like that? I mean, look at me for example. I am a freak of nature. Do you know how some people will eat bad and then compensate by over exercising? I cannot compensate my bad eating with exercising. For some reason, if I go above 30 minutes of exercise, 5 days a week, I tend to hold weight or even gain weight. The summer of 2009, I went through a brief period where I was doing that. I am talking a little bit of overeating and spending an hour or more exercising because I felt so horrible and guilty for overeating. And I actually gained weight! But I have never ballooned up like this bitch. The most I gained was 2 to 5 pounds and it might have been muscle for all I know. It takes an extra 3500 calories to gain a pound! How many calories a day was she consuming? About 20,000?
On a side note, I am very proud to say I have not engaged in any bulimic behavior since September. And I have actually lost weight! Huzzahs are in order!
Last week, some controversey blew up in Philly about the renaming of some wooden shack stores from "Christmas Village" to "Holiday Village" or something (I actually was there last year and I almost died of a heart attack on the spot when I came upon a stand that was literally bursting with nesting dolls) and then it concluded with the original name being kept. Yeah, I thought it was kind of stupid to change the name, but ugh, did the War On Christmas soldiers come charging out of the woodwork. I am beyond the point of being sick of hearing about this crap every year.
UGH! I wish everyone would just STFU.
I was reading the GQ article on the Sitch being the Burning Sensation of The Year, or whatever he was nominated for, and I came across a photo gallery and there was THIS. Two thoughts ran through my head- the first thing I thought was, dayum, does he have a penchant for tight pants or something? The second thing I thought was, what, no sock this time around, Mike?
*tilts head and leans closer to screen* I don't know; what do you all think? Was that definitely a sock in the last set of girl pants? I think it was.
Ha. He's all sweaty in that picture. Makes me think of the sketch from Kids In The Hall when the Chicken Lady and the Bearded Lady go to the strip club and Chicken Lady says "and I stuck a quarter in his belly button and it stayed there. Wanna know why? 'Cause he was sweaty" or something like that. Man, that was one of the BEST KITH sketches. My sister never even cracked a smile at any of the KITH sketches, but even she laughed at that one.
And I like how light conveniently shines across his chest and part of his abs. I half expected heavenly music to start blaring out of my computer speakers.
Photos - The Year in Us Weekly - September 27, 2010 - UsMagazine.com
Hey! Why do not I not recall ever seeing this issue in work? Oh. Right. Hm. I'll have to see if my local library has an issue so I can read about the Situation's "diva antics".
lol- diva antics. I'd love to know just how much of a drama queen that boy is.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Good News Everyone!
I received lottery tickets for my birthday and I won $21! I was pissed though on the first one I scratched because you have to have 3 of the same value and I was one short of $10,000. I would have died of happiness if I had won ten grand.
Ugh, all the symptoms I have been experiencing for the past week disappeared (as well as It, so obviously it was It that was causing them), but a few days ago, my throat started to feel irritated. Now when I do actually get sick, which is once in a blue moon, I usually get some form of postnasal drip that has me with a wicked sore throat, blobs of mucus in my throat (yummy, eh?), runny nose, clogged ears that squeal whenever I blow my nose, cough, and head to toe body aches. It's hard to say whether it is actually postnasal because I usually get a low grade fever of about 99*F as well (my normal body temperature ranges from 96.0 to 97.7*F.). The sore throat lasts about 24 hours and then my throat gets really irritated. This is how my throat feels now. I also get the phlemgy feeling and whenever I get that, I get a really bad taste in my mouth. I keep coughing and get a gaggy feeling. It's probably just postnasal drip this time as well, but of course, I keep thinking the worst, like throat cancer or something.
Isn't it amazing how my psychiatric records do not contain the words "hypochondriac"? At least, not to my knowledge. No doctor has ever specifically said the words to my face.
I often think about the time I was emailing back and forth with a guy who wants the same thing as I do and I stated that I think it has characteristics of anxiety/obsessive compulsive disorder and he insisted it is not. How is it not? You're plagued by obsessions with it and the obsessions can be somewhat relieved by acting out what you want. His excuse was something like it cannot be treated the same way as the above mentioned. So? Bipolar and unipolar depression are treated with different medications, but they both are still classified as mood disorders.
On Wednesday when we were celebrating my birthday, right before I blew out the candles, my mom said something about making a good, meaningful wish and I wanted to cry because I felt depressed that I can't even tell anyone what I want. I have wished for it several years, but notice any of it has come true. And the weird thing is, looking back far into the past, I realized that I have wanted this a lot longer than the past couple years. This goes way, way further back, as far back to third grade that I can remember. And as far back as I can remember, I have never particularly found anyone attractive who possessed this one thing- only one person I have had a crush on in my life actually did- but if I did find a person attractive, imagining them with this thing made them hundreds more sexually appealing. And I still do.
Ugh, all the symptoms I have been experiencing for the past week disappeared (as well as It, so obviously it was It that was causing them), but a few days ago, my throat started to feel irritated. Now when I do actually get sick, which is once in a blue moon, I usually get some form of postnasal drip that has me with a wicked sore throat, blobs of mucus in my throat (yummy, eh?), runny nose, clogged ears that squeal whenever I blow my nose, cough, and head to toe body aches. It's hard to say whether it is actually postnasal because I usually get a low grade fever of about 99*F as well (my normal body temperature ranges from 96.0 to 97.7*F.). The sore throat lasts about 24 hours and then my throat gets really irritated. This is how my throat feels now. I also get the phlemgy feeling and whenever I get that, I get a really bad taste in my mouth. I keep coughing and get a gaggy feeling. It's probably just postnasal drip this time as well, but of course, I keep thinking the worst, like throat cancer or something.
Isn't it amazing how my psychiatric records do not contain the words "hypochondriac"? At least, not to my knowledge. No doctor has ever specifically said the words to my face.
I often think about the time I was emailing back and forth with a guy who wants the same thing as I do and I stated that I think it has characteristics of anxiety/obsessive compulsive disorder and he insisted it is not. How is it not? You're plagued by obsessions with it and the obsessions can be somewhat relieved by acting out what you want. His excuse was something like it cannot be treated the same way as the above mentioned. So? Bipolar and unipolar depression are treated with different medications, but they both are still classified as mood disorders.
On Wednesday when we were celebrating my birthday, right before I blew out the candles, my mom said something about making a good, meaningful wish and I wanted to cry because I felt depressed that I can't even tell anyone what I want. I have wished for it several years, but notice any of it has come true. And the weird thing is, looking back far into the past, I realized that I have wanted this a lot longer than the past couple years. This goes way, way further back, as far back to third grade that I can remember. And as far back as I can remember, I have never particularly found anyone attractive who possessed this one thing- only one person I have had a crush on in my life actually did- but if I did find a person attractive, imagining them with this thing made them hundreds more sexually appealing. And I still do.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Yay! Gifts!
Just in case anyone cares, a list of what I received for my birthday:
1. Guardian Angel S'More
2. A Fairy S'More
3. Brain Candy
4. Under The Tuscan Sun
5. money
6. radio
7. the big huge Singles book
Merry Christmas folks!
1. Guardian Angel S'More
2. A Fairy S'More
3. Brain Candy
4. Under The Tuscan Sun
5. money
6. radio
7. the big huge Singles book
Merry Christmas folks!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Happy Birthday To Me!
I just received my first birthday email from a computer forum I am a member of.
Since last Thursday, every time I get into a car, I can feel myself starting to panic. Earlier, I went out with my mom and the whole time in the car, I wanted to scream, "dear God, let me out! I can't do this!". The dream I had last night certainly did not help my car anxiety.
A lot of things I have been fearful of in the past came and have never returned. But there is one that returns again and again and again- meningococcemia. It first came on in 2005. It returned last year and right now it is back. The fact that (what I want to guess is due to hormones) I have been feeling so horrible- exhausted and fatigued, shaky feeling, lightheaded, palpitations, sporadic isolated headaches, backache (which does not feel like cramps), feeling kind of short on breath, a burning stretch in the back of my legs when I bend forward- is not helping. I have been obsessively checking my temperature to make sure I do not have a fever, my blood pressure to make sure it's not low, and spending a ridiculous amount of time checking from head to toe for a rash.
Obviously, it's not the dying part I am scared of. It's the whole blood clots forming/possible amputation risk that terrifies me. What I would like to do is have a living will made and in it I want it to specify that I refuse treatment in the case that life can be saved at the risk of losing a limb. The question is, how exactly do you go through with making a legal living will that must be obeyed? Without costing a fortune? I am looking for some things right now and it is all the same crap as trying to find medical insurance- if you are poor or on disability or whatever. Well, I need help and I don't have a job and I can't find one. Where are my options? Boy, I love this country sometimes. You either have to be extremely rich or extremely poor to get anything. Everything is handed to you. Screw you if you are middle class or even middle to upper-lower class.
Since last Thursday, every time I get into a car, I can feel myself starting to panic. Earlier, I went out with my mom and the whole time in the car, I wanted to scream, "dear God, let me out! I can't do this!". The dream I had last night certainly did not help my car anxiety.
A lot of things I have been fearful of in the past came and have never returned. But there is one that returns again and again and again- meningococcemia. It first came on in 2005. It returned last year and right now it is back. The fact that (what I want to guess is due to hormones) I have been feeling so horrible- exhausted and fatigued, shaky feeling, lightheaded, palpitations, sporadic isolated headaches, backache (which does not feel like cramps), feeling kind of short on breath, a burning stretch in the back of my legs when I bend forward- is not helping. I have been obsessively checking my temperature to make sure I do not have a fever, my blood pressure to make sure it's not low, and spending a ridiculous amount of time checking from head to toe for a rash.
Obviously, it's not the dying part I am scared of. It's the whole blood clots forming/possible amputation risk that terrifies me. What I would like to do is have a living will made and in it I want it to specify that I refuse treatment in the case that life can be saved at the risk of losing a limb. The question is, how exactly do you go through with making a legal living will that must be obeyed? Without costing a fortune? I am looking for some things right now and it is all the same crap as trying to find medical insurance- if you are poor or on disability or whatever. Well, I need help and I don't have a job and I can't find one. Where are my options? Boy, I love this country sometimes. You either have to be extremely rich or extremely poor to get anything. Everything is handed to you. Screw you if you are middle class or even middle to upper-lower class.
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