Happy Birthday To Me!

I just received my first birthday email from a computer forum I am a member of.

Since last Thursday, every time I get into a car, I can feel myself starting to panic. Earlier, I went out with my mom and the whole time in the car, I wanted to scream, "dear God, let me out! I can't do this!". The dream I had last night certainly did not help my car anxiety.

A lot of things I have been fearful of in the past came and have never returned. But there is one that returns again and again and again- meningococcemia. It first came on in 2005. It returned last year and right now it is back. The fact that (what I want to guess is due to hormones) I have been feeling so horrible- exhausted and fatigued, shaky feeling, lightheaded, palpitations, sporadic isolated headaches, backache (which does not feel like cramps), feeling kind of short on breath, a burning stretch in the back of my legs when I bend forward- is not helping. I have been obsessively checking my temperature to make sure I do not have a fever, my blood pressure to make sure it's not low, and spending a ridiculous amount of time checking from head to toe for a rash.

Obviously, it's not the dying part I am scared of. It's the whole blood clots forming/possible amputation risk that terrifies me. What I would like to do is have a living will made and in it I want it to specify that I refuse treatment in the case that life can be saved at the risk of losing a limb. The question is, how exactly do you go through with making a legal living will that must be obeyed? Without costing a fortune? I am looking for some things right now and it is all the same crap as trying to find medical insurance- if you are poor or on disability or whatever. Well, I need help and I don't have a job and I can't find one. Where are my options? Boy, I love this country sometimes. You either have to be extremely rich or extremely poor to get anything. Everything is handed to you. Screw you if you are middle class or even middle to upper-lower class.