Random Thoughts

I've been PMSing like a lumberjack for the past two weeks and finally on Wednesday night, it started to come in. It's been a miserable two days. It's heavy, non-stop cramps, dizziness, you name it. Woke up in the middle of the night last night and got my head off my pillow just in time before blood started pouring out of my left nostril (for the past year or so, I've been occasionally getting unilateral nose bleeds during menstrual periods, usually the left side; I highly suspect they're hormonal related because it's the only time I get them).

Anyway, so in the grand tradition of things, my tolerance for everything is even lower than usual. Cue Wednesday. I get the mail and there is an envelope from the Minute Clinic addressed to me. I open it to find a bill from my visit in freaking January telling me my service is not covered and I owe $89 after the $50 copay I paid back when I visited. I pulled up my insurance account and much to my surprise there was no claim submitted for that date of service. My prescription was there, but not the visit. Meaning someone billed something wrong. I called my insurance and spoke with someone, who agreed with what I was guessing went wrong, and he was trying to get through to CVS to have someone resubmit the bill to the proper place. He was having trouble getting through (the wait time was ridiculously long) so he called me back and said he would try again first thing the next morning. I still haven't heard back.

Cue Thursday. In the beginning of the month, I received two bills regarding anesthesia services I received from my endoscopy, one for $141 and one for $28.20. I promptly filled out checks for both bills and mailed them out. Both checks are reflected on my banking statement as paid. On Thursday, I receive a last and final notice bill for $141. I contacted the company. I still haven't heard back. Cue today. I go out to see what I got in the mail and there is another bill sitting there for me. I picked it up and thought, I swear to God, if I open it to find a bill for $28.20, I'm going to go postal. Sure enough, that's exactly what it was. I didn't actually go postal, but I wanted to. I didn't even bother calling today because I was just in no damn mood to speak to anyone.

Then this past Saturday, I put in a refill request for my famotidine. I received a text that they would contact me when it was available, as apparently it's out of stock. I go online to check my account and find I have no pending refills and that my famotidine is back to being available for refill request. So I request it again, and later on I receive a text telling me the pharmacy is going to contact my doctor for an alternative medicine. No reason why, e.g. it's still out of stock, etc. I don't want an alternative medicine. I want f-ing famotidine.

I'm also getting stressed out over why my body temperature has been running higher than usual the past week, unless it's related to my period. I don't know what it is, and it's making me crazy. Taking my temperature so many times a day is making me crazy. EVERYTHING is making me crazy.

Random Thoughts

Despite the tornado watch on Monday, we ended up having a lot of rain, wind, some thunder, then the sun came out. Thankfully no tornado warnings or actual tornadoes. The chest heaviness and constantly feeling like I need to take a deep breath has eased up as well, so I'm going to guess (and hope) it was period-related.

I've often said before that every time I go through a health crisis, the next one that comes along always makes me long for the one before, like how I was so scared of having an ulcer/h. Pylori before but would much rather be worried about that than Covid 19. I shudder to think what will come after this is all done and over with.

If it ever is.

Monday night I had a mild headache in the forehead area. I eventually went to bed hoping that it would go away overnight like my headaches typically do. However, when I woke up on Tuesday, I still had lingering pain and at some point it shifted to the right side of my head. By lunchtime, the pain was increasing with certain movements of my head and I started to think that it was going to turn into a migraine if I didn't take anything soon. I've been trying to avoid taking any pain medication for fear of it interfering with my temperature taking (yes, seriously), but I finally caved in and took Pamprin (I was having cramps as well). About an hour after I took it, I don't know what the hell happened, but I got really shaky and weird-feeling, and I also got incredibly nauseous which made me super anxious that I was going to throw up. And the headache eased up while all that was happening. It was weird, and I was pretty shook up the rest of the day. I've still been pretty shook up over it, because of course the only thing I'm thinking is omg it's Covid 19. Having a very mild headache today (this time on the left side and mostly around the eye) isn't helping matters any.

Random Thoughts

So update on my digestive issues (not that anyone cares)- I stopped the Miralax, upped Peri-Colace intake, had some success and was back to an acceptable 123, 124 pounds on the scale last Saturday. Was doing okay but now I'm feeling miserable again. Of course I ended up getting my period sooner than I expected (which is good, because I'm going down the shore for a few days soon and won't have to worry about it coming now) so that might be contributing to it, but I'm worried that this is going to be an ongoing thing. And if it is, what is causing it? And for the love of God, how can I get it to go away??

I suspected all of the past week that my period was coming. For one, that one Saturday I had a bout of really heavy discharge and usually it comes about two weeks after that occurs. And two, I was so drained feeling and miserable that I kept thinking, there is no way it's not coming soon. And sure enough, it graced me with its presence on Friday morning.

And I should know that when I want to rip my coworkers' faces off more than usual that I'm due for it. And Thursday I was really feeling it. My FWA comes strolling in at 10. My manager says nothing to anyone about her coming in late and considering the stupid bitch is our front desk person, I think my manager kind of should let people know. But it's not like it's the first time she's lacked communicating with her employees about things. But this is the best part- not only does my FWA come in at 10, a few minutes later I hear her go out with the rest of the smokers for their 10 o'clock smoke break. Barely even the fucking door and she feels entitled to take her break still. And then not even two hours later, they're out on another one.

And would my manager say anything to her? No. She was right out on the smoke break with them. Them two are so fucking chummy with each other it's disgusting. You're her manager, you stupid bitch! She is your employee! Not your fucking BFF!

Don't get me wrong- I'm glad to finally have a manager who doesn't spaz out over stupid shit like, but my God, this one has less cojones than my old one.

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I had my period while I was on vacation. Usually within a week or so after it ends, my mood stabilizes (well, what could be considered stable for me). It's almost two weeks since it ended and I'm still a miserable, irritable, depressed bitch. What in the hell is wrong with me?

I'll tell you what isn't helping- this bloating. It's certainly making me miserable beyond belief. Was still about 127, 128 pounds on the scale yesterday. I pulled my stomach in and my lower abdomen was significantly more distended, especially on the left side. And it's a lot harder if you press on my lower left side. I have rumbling, am able to pass gas, nausea but no vomiting, and my appetite is more than fine, so I doubt I have a blockage. But I'm definitely feeling pretty, um, clogged.  I was able to actually go some yesterday and I felt marginally better, but obviously nothing to sing about it.

And I'd love to take a full stimulant laxative (hell, at this point I'm ready to do a colonoscopy prep) to get everything out, but the last time I took them, I had a rather unpleasant experience afterwards for two plus weeks. And I'm afraid of having that problem again if I take them.

I also mentioned on Friday how I had a pulling pain in my lower right pelvic area. Well on Saturday I had one instance of a very heavy amount of discharge. Not sure if there is any connection with that. (e.g. mittelschmerz or whatever).

My God, I'm starting to sound like an old person.

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I can't believe tomorrow will already be one week since my vacation ended. Two weeks since I left for vacation. Where on earth does the time go?

Not sure if it's post-vacation blues, post-period blues, or a mixture of things, but I have been so freaking miserable this week. I feel overwhelmingly depressed and the littlest things are making me want to lie down and just sob. I feel very unhappy right now.

And apparently I was wrong about Miralax messing with my period, because my period came 44 days this month. And right while I was on vacation. And since it came later than I expected I decided to go back on the Miralax and Peri-Colace regimen for a little bit. And it helped some during vacation, definitely helped this past Saturday, and some on Sunday. And since then I have not been able to go to the bathroom once. And I don't understand why. I'm taking two Peri-Colace pills a day, drinking tons of water, and Miralax- how the fuck is that not helping me go to the bathroom? Especially when it normally does! I'm so bloated and miserable and am starting to seriously worry I'm going to end up with a blockage.  

Random Thoughts

I'm still alive. Nothing really exciting to report, other than I have a new nephew. He came a few days after my last post and is an absolute cutie patootie. 

I'm glad to report my last period came at a respectable 36 days. It's kind of weird that it came the usual amount of days after stopping Miralax. I don't know how or why Miralax would knock it off but I still think it had something to do with my period coming late those few months.

However, since my last period ended, I've been dealing with some really annoying lower back pain. Sometimes it's only on the right side, sometimes it's only on the left side, and sometimes it's bilateral. And it spreads into my hips and thighs, usually the front part of my thighs and sometimes the sides. Walking can be painful but sitting can be even worse, because then the pain in my hips and thighs worsens. I don't know what is going on but it's making me really irritable. And the stuff I normally do to get rid of back pain isn't helping. The only thing that seems to help is the ibuprofen 800 I still have from before I got my root canal. But once it wears off, I'm right back to being miserable. Plus I'm afraid to take too much pain medications since apparently Prozac and NSAIDs together can increase stomach bleeding.

Work is still the same old shit. The lull in work has come to an end. Now I am a little guilty of slacking off some during that lull, but not like my coworkers. But will they be the ones stressing out over it? No. It will be this girl. I'm the moron sitting here right now on a frigging Sunday afternoon getting a knot in my stomach wondering how the shit will get done in time.

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The heat sensitivity seems to have settled down some. Still hurts to chew on that side though. And I've tried (multiple times) sticking a swab over each tooth and biting down and of course that never elicits any pain, so I can't even figure out what tooth it is, although I am almost positive it's the root-canaled tooth.

I don't know if it's just the post-period miserable or what, but I have been one cranky ass bitch this past week. I certainly don't feel like I am taking Prozac anymore. Which means I probably need to up my dosage but am still too chicken (I did up it to six days a week, but that lasted two weeks).

And I'm so damn annoyed with work. I keep telling myself to be happy I have a job, but I still drive in to work every morning hoping an 18 wheeler will nail me. My coworkers just get under my skin so damn bad. And lately it's been really bad.

My FWA has had a bit of an attitude problem this week and I'm about to put my foot up her ass. And I guarantee if you asked her what is up her ass, she'd be all I haven't slept WAH the baby hasn't slept WAH. At which point I'd have to walk away because I'd want to give her a look that would make Medusa proud and ask her if she really expects any fucking sympathy from me. YOU wanted to be a mother so bad, YOU constantly go on about how much "it's so worth it", YOU feed your kid junk food all of the time....sit the fuck down.

And other things that annoy me with them are really just my petty side rearing its ugly head. Like how I always like making my favorite doctor a pot of coffee whenever he is in. But for the past week and a half the MOB has been making coffee (apparently she "lost" her travel mug so she's had to make coffee in work instead of just, oh I don't know, BUYING A NEW MUG) so I haven't gotten to make it for him. And it's really grinding my fucking gears. Also, it's pretty funny how twice we've had birthday cake since my birthday and she's eating the cake both times. AND IT'S THE SAME EXACT CAKE AS WHAT I HAD. In fact, almost every morning this past week I've seen her eating a piece of cake from my FWA's birthday cake that was in the fridge. Yeah, okay.

And I'm annoyed how my lunch half hour is no longer mine. I have Jabber Jaws take lunch the same fucking time as I do and normally if I need some peace and quiet and the weather isn't bad, I might go and sit out in my car and have lunch. Except now even that isn't a pleasant experience because not only does my manager take lunch the same time, but she'll also sit in her car. And 99% of the time she's parked next to me. And it feels incredibly awkward sitting in my car right next to her.

On another note....it's snowing out. WTF????

ARGHHHHHHHHHH

I don't know if it's because I am on my period (which came 45 days this time, another 2 days later than before; hello again, premature menopause fear), but I am in one hell of a bad mood.

For starters, I'm incredibly pissed with this heat sensitivity. I'm not scared to have root canal done again, since now I know how incredibly not scary it is, but I don't think I should be facing the possibility of having to have it done again. An endodontic specialist did it, for fuck's sake. Root canals are her specialty! And when I went for my 6 month check-up, she had them do a 3D x-ray on me (boy, can't wait to see how much that is going to cost me) and after she viewed it, she went on this long string. And I couldn't understand anything she said because 1) she talks on the very low side of LOW and 2) she's got a very heavy accent. And I, of course, am too proper and spineless to speak up and say I'm sorry I don't understand what you are saying to me.

I am so scared of getting an infection, or possibly having one that is symptom-less, or getting one that ends up spreading to my jaw or brain or causing sepsis or whatever else scary could happen.

And then every goddamn night I have to hear my mother go on about this ailing her or that ailing her and about the ringing in her ears and buzzing in her head and how there is probably something wrong with her and she can't afford for anything to happen to her right now and I feel like I am going to lose my mind. Not the kind of stuff you want to hear when you worry all of the damn time as it is. Especially when the shit is coming from one of the most important people in your life.

I can't take all of the fucking worrying. I can't take worrying something bad is going to happen to my loved ones while I am at work or whenever I am out or whenever anyone else goes out. I can't take worrying that I am going to make a massive mistake in work and get fired. I can't take worrying about identity theft all of the goddamn time. I can't take worrying about my health all of the time. I can't take worrying about my weight. I can't take worrying about tornadoes and other destructive storms when the warm weather comes. It's time like this I wish I would just get the guts to end it all. Anything to stop all of the NOISE.

Random Thoughts

Although that Web MD ovulation calculator refused to calculate my results and implied I could possibly not be ovulating....I'd find it hard to say I'm not ovulating right now. I still do not understand why my period is coming a week later every month, though. I can't figure out what could possibly be causing it to come so late anymore.

On Tuesday I felt like crap the whole day in work. My heart was pounding hard and kept doing that thing where it felt like it would stop and then start with a big bang. I was nauseous. I was achy. I came home from work and took my temperature but it was only 96.3. Wednesday morning I woke up for work and while I was in the bathroom, my heart started to really race and I slapped my Fitbit on and watched my heart rate steadily climb as high as 113 BPM. And the higher it climbed the more nauseous I felt and then I started to feel really lightheaded and like I was going to black out, so I went in and woke my mom up and she took my blood pressure and it was something like 83/63. I ended up calling out of work and going back to sleep for a little bit. When I woke up, not long after I got out of bed, my heart started to race again and I felt achy all over and I took my temperature again and it was 98.1. A little later I ended up going to the doctor. Had an EKG and blood work done. Haven't gotten the results on either yet. 

I feel a little better today but not great. My heart is still racing and I still feel somewhat nauseous. I don't know if my body is trying to fight some kind of virus or what is going on. Plus my allergies are bothering me as well.

I stopped taking Miralax on Sunday and have been pretty constipated. My stomach feels horrible. There is never any win. It's either diarrhea or constipation. Never a happy medium.

I'm ready Cemetery Girl by David Bell. It's my third book I've read by him and since the first two were pretty good, I expected this one to be as well. Definitely not the case. I've never hated so many characters in a book as I do in this one. They're all terrible people. If I got to the end of it and they all died in a horrible fiery crash, I'd cheer.

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All of that snow we had is almost completely gone. Woo hoo! That was one hell of a blizzard. Thankfully we didn't end up losing any power and I spent most of Saturday watching movies (finally got to sit down and watch Brain Candy again. God do I love that movie). I ended up spending most of that Sunday shoveling. Burned almost 500 calories in doing so. Later on my right shoulder was hurting and I started to worry that I might have tore something, but I was okay in moving it around and everything. Seems to be okay now.

There's talk of another possible storm next week. Hopefully it will stay off the coast.

I just started showing signs of ovulation the other day. More than 4 weeks after the first day of my last period. Which makes me suspect my period is going to come after 40 days again. I don't know what has knocked it out of whack, but it's starting to make me feel really anxious. And tempting thoughts of premature menopause to come back into my brain.

Saturday is my fat bitchy cousin's wedding. Of course it's going to be a beautiful day. And of course my sister and I are not invited. Supposedly because we're only second cousins, but I beg to differ. I don't like that bitch and would rather not have anything to do with her, but I still can't help feeling stung at not being invited (which is pissing me off to no end that I am allowing it to bother me so bad). I've been treated like shit by my second cousins since I was a little kid and I've never done a damn thing to those people to be treated the way I have. Nothing whatsoever. And frankly, my tolerance for being treated like a pariah by them is wearing thin. Very thin.

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So it appears my period is finally coming. It's only about a week late. Thank God this didn't happen back during when I was freaking out and thinking I was going through early menopause or I probably would have ended up in the nuthouse.

I'm starting to see more and more holiday things disappearing and I am feeling the post-holiday blues more and more and the dread of long cold winter days and nights. 

And now it's that time of the year where it's just weeks and weeks of work and no holiday until Memorial Day weekend, minus any PTO I might take. I don't understand why we get no holidays whatsoever until then. At least give us Good Friday or something.

So I go back to work this past Tuesday and find out that the holiday party was actually that day. I swore it was on Wednesday, but when I pulled up my email, sure enough it was scheduled for the 29th. I felt like such an asshat. I was the only one who didn't participate in the Pollyanna thing, although judging by the gifts some people bought, I certainly didn't miss out on anything.

I'm so over the people in that place. It's not a good sign when you'd rather be nailed by an 18-wheeler than have to look at those people every day.

Blech

I am really, REALLY not looking forward to going back to work. I think what is making it worse is 1)  with the exception of New Years Eve everyone is going to be in the office, 2) the holiday party on Wednesday, and 3) Christmas is over.

And where in the sam hell is my period???

Random Thoughts

Four days down of break, one more to go. And then it's back to work on Tuesday. Ugh. I am really not looking forward to going after being off for so long. Especially because Wednesday is when we're having our stupid holiday party at work and I am not looking forward to that either. And we're supposed to do something called a white elephant Pollyanna and thank god it's optional, because frankly it sounds incredibly dumb to me.

I know, I know, I am such a grouch, right? Guilty as charged.

Right now I just loathe my coworkers so much. And I can't stand how tight they have gotten with the new manager. Every time they go out on smoke breaks, she goes out with them. And I'm sorry but I really do not think that is appropriate for a manager to do. But once again we have another manager who has no cojones and just wants to be everyone's BFF.

And Ms. Hail to the V....that ginger-headed bitch is really and truly starting to get under my skin. Whenever she comes on, she says nothing. No good morning, no anything. Just comes in straight to her desk and sits down. Everyone else says good morning to her, but I just ignore her. I used to waste my breath saying good morning but after so long I just said the hell with her. She wants to be a rude ass bitch, then fuck her. And I don't want to hear the excuse she is "awkward". I'm awkward as fuck and I still make an effort to have some manners even though it's the last thing I want to do. Besides, she made 2 babies with men, she can't be that fucking awkward.

Sometimes I wonder if she still holds something against me for coming in with my nephew on the same day she brought her son in back in 2013, before I was hired back. And if so, she needs to get over it. I didn't work there, I had no idea that she had a baby or that she was going to bring her Opie from Family Guy-looking alien in the same day I decided to bring my nephew in.

And the one day I mentioned to my FWA about my back bothering me (it's been bothering me a lot lately) and she said something about hers bothering her (of course it does) and how her daughter massaged it for her. I felt like saying JFC does every goddamn topic have to involve your daughter? I don't give a flying fuck about her daughter!

God I am so freaking grouchy right now. My period is late (no, I'm not pregnant), I'm starting to feel the post-Christmas blues, I ate way too much the past few days, and I'm just cranky.

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My period was expected to come yesterday but still nothing. Except major crankiness, depression, and cravings for all things sweet and salty. I wish it would come soon.

My tooth is still bothering me every time I chew food on it. And it is sensitive to cold stuff. As far as I understood, a root canaled tooth should not feel any sensitivity so either something was not done correctly or it's another tooth. And unfortunately it's hard to distinguish. Words can not begin to describe how enraged I will be if I have to eventually end up having this tooth pulled.

Also, a molar on the top right is hurting when I chew on it and feeling sensitive. GRRRR.

A while back I upped my Prozac dosage to 5 days a week and it seemed like it was helping some, but now it seems to once again be crapping out on me. I give up with this. I really do. I think I am just not meant to ever be happy.

And it may just be because I am PMS-ing hard, but I really loathe work right now. I swear, I don't understand how so many deluded lazy people can be in one place. Even after getting lectured by Ms. Croquette and having a new a manager, my FWA still continues to come in late. She still continues to take a lunch longer than an hour. And comes back close to 2:30, despite us getting an email that lunches can end no later than 2. Oh and the best part is she comes back after an hour and eats lunch at her desk. WHAT THE FUCK does she do the entire hour she is gone?!

And on Friday, Ms. Hail to the V was in the office and if she wasn't off talking or playing on her phone, she spent pretty much her whole 7 hour shift planning a trip to NYC on the internet. Nice, huh? I also have to laugh how when she works a long day, she is given two 45 minute PAID breaks. Most of the time she is done with patients by 11:15AM and takes her first break and then comes back and goes right to lunch. I don't understand why she needs to be given 2 long paid breaks like that. Yes, I understand it's a long day but her job as an MA is not that fucking taxing (she doesn't even actually take care of people) that she can't still work during the break in patients. I hope to God she never plans on working in an actual health profession where people have to work 12 hour shifts because she wouldn't last a day not being able to get her paid breaks like that.

It's going down to about 29 degrees tonight. I am absolutely not ready for the cold!

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I'm still alive. Nothing new.

My tooth still hurts when I chew on it. It doesn't linger like before I had the root canal, but it still gets a rather sharp pain when I bite down on food. I'm so damn frustrated with everything that I am ready to yank the damn tooth out. And every time I think of my dental insurance trying to fight paying for treatment I want to chew nails.

Work is the same old shit. For 45 minutes today, from the start of our shift, I was the only one working while everyone stood around talking. Even the new manager.

I have PMS. My heart won't stop racing. I feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. I was on my bike earlier and I got extremely out of breath. I never get out of breath like that. But for some reason before my period, I always get this heavy feeling in my chest and feel like I have a hard time taking a deep breath. And I do get heart palpitations and my heart rhythm feels wiggity wack, but nothing like this. And I don't even want to bother going to the doctors because I am just going to hear the same old song and dance.

I swear, once you get that scarlet letter A- aka anxiety- no doctor ever takes you seriously.

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I knew my crabbiness and hostility last week was PMS rearing its ugly head; however, I still wasn't expecting to see my period 3 days sooner. I am heading towards the end of it and the post-period symptoms are appearing- heart palpitations, high anxiety levels, severe depression, etc. I also have this heavy feeling in my chest, my head hurts and feels horrible, and I am so damn exhausted I can't even stand it- and I haven't even really been sleeping that terribly.

The other day my boss announced she would be resigning next month. Sure, she drive me nuts, but folks, I'm fucking bugging about this. What in the hell is going to be replacing her? Is it going to be better? Worse? Will I lose my job? As much as I hate to admit it, I can't deny that my boss does allow me to get away with things another place wouldn't, like not having to talk on the phone (although to be fair, no one really uses their phones since the down-staffing in 2011) and she seems to have somewhat of a tolerance for my slow ass. Believe me, I know how frustrating it is when someone doesn't work as fast as others and isn't pulling their weight and believe me, my slow ass frustrates me more than people can imagine. And really, it's only one job that I am incredibly slow at. Unfortunately, that one job happens to be my main job function.

And what's going to happen with requesting time off? Doctor appointments? Etc? UGH.

And since this announcement, my mind has apparently been on a coffee-fueled sermon of pure torture. Reminding me what a loser I am, that if I lose my job it's my fault for being so slow, wondering if buying new scrub tops will jinx me, etc. In addition to constant reels of bad things happening to loved ones and the millions of other things I constantly obsess about.

And I always wondered when one would pop up on Cracked since they started these new personal experience columns and on Sunday I was not disappointed- a column finally popped up about the personal experience of what I presume to be a paraplegic. I can't tell you how hard I have to resist going to read it. Every time I think about it, I want to shoot myself.

Never in my life have I wanted to get away as bad as I do right now. Preferably from myself.

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So the good news is I didn't have to deal with any pain when I went to the dentist on Monday, seeing as I got 2 shots of Novocain. I also found out that I was not having my crown replaced right then and there; rather, I'd have to go through a temporary crown again for 3 weeks and then get the permanent. Had I known that I would have probably have just said forget it. I ended up spending nearly 2 hours there. Then when I finally get back to work, I take a look in the mirror at my crown and realize that in one spot there is a giant space between my gum and the crown, like a piece had chipped off and the girl stuck it on there like that. So I call the office back and they tell me to come back in after work (I was not about to go back up right then and lose more time).

So I head back up after work and once again I have to get numbed (only one shot this time) and a new temporary crown was made and put in. My cheek and the area around my crown were super irritated and sore afterwards; my cheek is no longer bothering me and the area around the crown is just finally starting to feel better. I'm so damn annoyed. Had I known all of this, I would have just kept my permanent crown as is.

My anxiety levels were so bad on Monday- between what they would be doing to me at the dentist and whatever this post-menstrual rise in anxiety levels thing going on lately- that I was physically shaking sitting in the dentist chair. I don't think it was until around Wednesday that I finally started to notice a decrease in my anxiety levels and heart palpitations.

I am starting to wonder now if when I upped my Prozac dosage and felt off the wall if it was really the Prozac or if it was because I was at the end of my period. Or possibly both. But I am starting to think it more because I was at the end of my period. I'm back down to every other day and still felt off the wall when I was at the end of my period. I still cannot seem to get back to that feeling I had when I first started Prozac every other day. It was nothing to brag about, but I still felt somewhat more relaxed and not as off the wall. And I can't seem to feel that way anymore.

My boss's son's funeral was on Wednesday. Surprisingly the company not only allowed us to attend any of the services, but actually paid us for it. I went in the morning with my FWA, the coworker I no longer trust, and my favorite doctor. While we were sitting in the church, I kept looking at the coffin and I started thinking of having to face this one day with my own family members and my chest would start to tighten and I wanted to start screaming.

I borrowed the book Gone Girl from my sister and I have never been so infuriated by the end of a book in my life. I would say the book was pretty good, but the end of the book completely ruined it. Amy was such a terrible person I wish Nick would have killed her at the end. No, scratch that. I wish both of the main characters died at the end. Slowly and horribly. 

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Two days down, three more to go until the weekend. Although I am dreading the closer to the weekend I get, because I just know my sister is going to say something about going to the Strawberry Festival and I wouldn't mind going again, but really don't want to drive up there with her husband.

Not this past weekend, but the prior weekend I went to Dairy Queen to try the salted caramel truffle Blizzard (very good) and while I was waiting in line I was reading the menu and they had 3 anniversary flavors, one of which was one of my favorites from back in the day- the brownie batter Blizzard. So this past weekend I wanted ice cream and decided I wanted that. And while I was waiting in line, I started to read through the menu again.....and happened to notice how short the Blizzard menu has gotten. And then I realized quite a few flavors that I like were no longer on the menu- mint Oreo, Oreo cheesequake, etc. DAIRY QUEEN, I AM DISAPPOINT.

I don't know what May's Blizzard of the Month will be, but I definitely want to try that brownie cookie dough one at some point. That looks heavenly. And if they'd bring back the Kit Kat Blizzard, that would be fantastic. And all I know is, I don't care if it's their 75th anniversary, the pumpkin pie Blizzard better be there in October!

I feel so damn bloated and swollen right now, I can't even stand it. You name it- my hands, my feet, every possible place imaginable. My stomach feels horrible. I have still been taking the Prozac every day and I keep thinking I need to cut back on it, but I get so wracked with guilt if I don't take it, that I end up taking it. And then I curse myself out later on when my stomach feels horrible. My anxiety levels are sky-high and my concentration levels are the pits and I don't know if it's hormone-related or possibly due to the increase in medicine. I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO ANY OF THIS. And it's driving me frigging mad.

Oh FFS

I just realized I was wrong and my period was actually predicted to come yesterday. And it is still not here. Which means it is coming more than 34 days.

Shit shit shit. Now I am starting to feel super anxious.

6:34PM: Eh, nevermind. It finally graced me with its prescence during work.

Random Thoughts

Today is my BIL's birthday. Frankly, I don't see why I should have to wish him a happy birthday or waste my time buying a card or use my own earned money to give him anything when he hates celebrating his birthday. Apparently, he doesn't like to be sang to. So we have a cake and that's it, no singing, if it's that much of a big deal. But for the love of God, there is no one who hates being sang to more than me and I fucking deal with it every year.

I wonder if he'll not get my sister anything for Mother's Day again this year. She's a better person than I am, because if I popped out my husband's kid and he didn't get me anything for Mother's Day, I'd give him divorce papers for Father's Day. In a box all wrapped up in nice manly paper.

So of course my FWA had to keep her word and pop in on Thursday with her brat. I don't know, she's a cute baby, but at the same time she isn't; I think it's because of who her mother is and the fact that she looks so much like her father. But the best part was when she was leaving and tells us all that we're going to be invited to her brat's christening party later in the spring. I smiled and said "Oh. Great!" while my brain was screaming "NOOOOOOOO" at an ungodly decibel level. Seriously, bitch? It's almost cute how much she thinks we all really like her.

She went to some play place on Friday and later on posted 86 pictures from it. Maybe because I am not a mother, but I don't understand the need to take that many damn pictures of your child playing. And the batch of pictures wasn't complete without several close-ups of her with the baby. She is someone who seriously needs to learn that close-ups aren't for her.

My period is expected to come tomorrow- whether it will or not is a horse of another color- but I still feel like I am not feeling as spastic or flying off the handle like I usually do. Well, there have been a few instances of major irritability, including a snap out on Thursday night when I was planning on having mac and cheese with dinner and found out my mom was making corn and because I have such issues with food going to waste I ended up having to figure out something else to eat (And simply eating both was out of the question because come on, mac and cheese and corn together? With my stomach?). A complete over-reaction, I know.

I'm still only taking Prozac every other day. At some point I guess I am going to have to try it every day, but I am not ready for that yet. So far my weight has been okay, but I am just afraid that if I start taking more then I am going to start to see weight gain.

My sister is trying to drag me into some drama between her and Mom. At first I tried ignoring her text and then a few hours later I got a text asking if I got it. Oh, okay, I guess it's always okay for her to ignore my texts half the time; unlike her, though, I don't go chasing after her to see if she read mine if she doesn't respond because if she doesn't respond then she doesn't really give a shit. And she keeps texting me and I feel like writing her back to leave me the hell alone.

I feel guilty for feeling like that and I feel horribly guilty that I don't even have the balls to defend my mother (my sister definitely isn't in the right with this situation) and I am so fucking hot right now and I feel like just freaking the fuck out. I swear to God, if I could go away forever, I would.